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The Major Arcana | The Fool | Tarot Memoirs — Transcript

by Lisa Papez · 9,759 words · 1,296 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00hi everybody Lisa from supportive tarot
0:02welcome to the very first video in my
0:05Tarot memoirs series so in this series
0:08I'm gonna be showing off some examples
0:11of The Fool curve story of every card in
0:13the Tarot ideally I'm going to work
0:14through all of all 78 so we'll see how
0:16this goes but I'm definitely starting
0:18with the Major Arcana I'm gonna be going
0:20through one card at a time and talking
0:23about what that card means to me and
0:25examples from my own personal life
0:27lessons I've learned experiences I've
0:29had that I relate to the energies of
0:32those particular cards and this is I'm
0:34doing this for a couple of reasons I
0:35want to do this partly because for me
0:38the Tarot is a very real tangible
0:42example of how I live my day-to-day life
0:44of big moments of small moments and that
0:47is how I use the Tarot is to support me
0:50through day-to-day living and to give me
0:53a relatable
0:54relatable piece of a relatable tool
0:56maybe is the best way to express it and
0:58so I want to start off today with the
1:02fool so the full I'm just gonna show you
1:05my writer weight this is the Centennial
1:07in a tan it's my only classic writer
1:09weight so sorry that it's a little small
1:12so we see our typical figure here he's
1:15at the edge of the cliff he's got a
1:16white rose in his hand
1:17symbolizing innocence and purity and he
1:20has a little dog nipping at his heels
1:22maybe warning him maybe he's not
1:24listening or noticing and there's a
1:27whole lot oh there we go now I got some
1:29focus oh I see it's competing with my
1:31face there we go so there's a whole lot
1:34we can take from The Fool just from the
1:37image alone but oh and quick reminder
1:40this is going to be long so maybe grab a
1:43cup of coffee or tea or a glass of wine
1:45if you like I love this it says namaste
1:49in bed the coffee I'm drinking this
1:51morning is this really nutty like
1:52vanilla hazelnut it's super delicious
1:54it's probably gonna go cold because I'm
1:56not gonna stop talking but we'll see so
1:59I thought I'd start out I've got some of
2:00my favorite tarot books out and I've
2:03highlighted some passages from The Fool
2:05cards description in those books so I'd
2:07like to start out with Rachel
2:0978° of wisdom does anybody else use like
2:13extra tarot cards or title cards in text
2:16as bookmarks this is a seven of coins
2:19when I got my legacy of the Divine Tarot
2:21and had a bunch of extra cards from the
2:24coin suit so I saved them for bookmarks
2:26extra cards usually when you get
2:28something like that happening in a tarot
2:29deck you were missing cards yeah I had
2:31almost half the Pentacles suit
2:32duplicated in my legacy the divine
2:34printing error for the win beautiful
2:36bookmarks um so anyways in Rachel
2:40some of the sections some of the
2:42pieces that I've highlighted here that
2:44stood out to me about The Fool for those
2:47willing to take the chance the leap can
2:50bring joy adventure and finally for
2:53those with the courage to keep going
2:54when the wonderland becomes more
2:56fearsome than joyous the leap can bring
2:59knowledge peace and liberation I love
3:03that passage because for me the fool is
3:06often energy I see in light rather than
3:09in shadow and there's a whole bunch of
3:11reason for that that's related to my
3:12personal life but that's kind of that
3:14really stood out to me I really liked I
3:16really liked that because even when the
3:18fool screws up and he will she will even
3:22when the fool screws up there's lessons
3:24to be learned there's wisdom to be
3:25gained it still can be a really powerful
3:27powerful experience
3:29so another passage I've got highlighted
3:31here the bag behind Kim carries his
3:34experiences he does not abandon them
3:37he's not mindless they simply do not
3:39control him in the way that our memories
3:41and traumas so often control our lives
3:42that that is so powerful and this is the
3:47the fool at his best where he doesn't
3:50let the past memories and trauma control
3:53him that that's I think the fool at his
3:55very best but it's really powerful to
3:57consider that we could carry that we
4:00could carry our experiences in such a
4:02way that's the bag they're talking about
4:03over his shoulder or that Rachel's
4:05talking about that we could carry our
4:07experiences in a light way I think often
4:10we get hung up on carrying our
4:11experiences in a very heavy way and I
4:14like the idea that you could just stuff
4:15them all on a little satchel toss them
4:16over your shoulder and go yeah that's a
4:18part of my life but it doesn't have to
4:19define how I live it and I think that's
4:21I think that's really powerful and then
4:24um I want to get into shadow a little
4:27bit
4:27as well so I have to move the mouse away
4:31from the stop button on my video because
4:33I totally started filming this and
4:34accidentally turned it off last time and
4:36I don't really want to edit or cut
4:37pieces together at least not yet I want
4:39to keep it forward so anyways sorry
4:42shadow for the fool a reversal and I
4:46don't read reversals but I do read
4:47shadow for the fuller reversal means
4:50first of all a failure to follow your
4:52instincts that is really powerful hey
4:54like that that really what we're seeing
4:56in shadow in the fool is maybe that
4:57we're not listening to that that primal
5:00gut instinct it can mean not taking a
5:04chance at some crucial time because of
5:06fear or depending too much on plans and
5:08the practical advice of others and that
5:11has a whole lot of relevance in my life
5:12to another reverse meaning of the fool
5:15will appear at first to contradict the
5:17one just given a recklessness wildness
5:20crazy schemes all seeing the opposite of
5:23over caution and yet they originate from
5:25the same weakness a failure to act from
5:28inside the reckless person superimposes
5:31a conscious or artificial foolishness on
5:33his life both because he does not trust
5:35the unconscious to act as a guide and
5:37because he is also afraid of doing
5:39nothing like how amazing is that and
5:42that by the way the pieces that I've
5:44violated as you can see are just the
5:46smallest bit of what is available in
5:50this oh sorry I turned to the magician
5:52there was that piece there from the pool
5:54and we keep going and there was that
5:57piece and we keep going and there's that
6:00piece like there's a lot in this book if
6:01you don't have this book this is really
6:04good at going in-depth into all the
6:05cards so that's 78 degrees of wisdom and
6:08I'll be diving into that every week for
6:10excerpts and then I also have been Abell
6:13win-wins incredible holistic tarot
6:16warning if you are like me and you've
6:18been seeing this book flashed around on
6:20YouTube and not realized quite how
6:21massive it was until you held it in your
6:23hands I'm just gonna like I'm just gonna
6:25like show you
6:26holy moly this thing is enormous the
6:31fact that Ben Abell a human being who is
6:35not like 85 years old actually managed
6:37to write all of this completely blows
6:41my mind and this book is incredible and
6:43I'm so glad I have it that might be a
6:46story for another day there's so much in
6:48here I just I can't even with this but
6:50for now I'm just gonna go into this oh
6:52and just just for reference those height
6:53those colored marks that's where the
6:55card sorry that's where the card
6:57definitions are so I've got them colored
6:59major arcana and then colored for the
7:01suit for the elemental energy of the
7:02suit but you can see card descriptions
7:05is just the tiniest portion and it's
7:07it's meaty but it's just the tiniest
7:09portion of this book it's there's so
7:11much here you just you don't know I I
7:14can't I can't with this but let's get
7:17into it what I've highlighted here so
7:19the piece that stood out to me from Ben
7:20Abele's the description when the fool
7:22appears in a reading it is about a point
7:24in the Seekers life when the next step
7:26could either send the secret flying into
7:28the air over that cliff with impressive
7:30accomplishment or falling down from my a
7:32decay I think that's really good and
7:34then she's also got here the temperament
7:36of the fool is one pure in spirit
7:38open-hearted and like a child innocent
7:40and naive and I really appreciate that
7:42as well because innocence in the pool
7:44and being open-hearted is something I'm
7:46going to talk about when like when I
7:47show you some different images of the
7:49pool here and then finally for a bit of
7:52a different take I also have Melissa so
7:53Nova's kitchen-table Tarot I love this
7:56book
7:57for its ass for its conciseness
8:02conciseness I love that I get a lot of
8:05information in a really plain talk and
8:08it's just a play more playful maybe
8:11approach to the cards well still not
8:13dishonouring in any way what they're
8:16trying to tell us
8:17so anyways in her section on the fool I
8:20highlighted this walking along exploring
8:25and curious sorry she says I love the
8:28fool that might make more sense I love
8:30the fool walking along exploring and
8:32curious and after you smack into that
8:33brick wall walking away having learned I
8:36can't help but think that the drop that
8:38he's about to have isn't that far at all
8:40that after his fall he'll stand up and
8:42grin so you get like a full with her as
8:46you get like a full card image and then
8:47some description she's also got a little
8:49thing here that I really think is really
8:52powerful similar to what the fountain
8:53Tarot does that little teeny blurb
8:55and it's action-oriented so in hers um
8:58in Melissa's book here under the fool
9:00she says I am going and that's really
9:03the energy the fool isn't it like I'm
9:04just I'm gonna go I'm going I'm not
9:06thinking about it I'm not gonna plan I'm
9:07not gonna pack I'm not gonna make lists
9:09or organize what the destinations are
9:12stops along the way are gonna be I'm
9:13just gonna go and that's I like that
9:15from here so now let's talk about some
9:18of it was really hard not to pull out
9:20the full of every single deck because I
9:22love doing cart comparisons and so I'm
9:24gonna try to see if I can do two hands
9:27and not tow this for myself up so here's
9:28our original fool and then here we have
9:31this is the fool from the tear of the
9:33magical forest little page just heading
9:37up on the cliff it's pretty similar
9:39I love how wide the eyes are I know
9:41they're wide and big in every card in
9:43this deck but I do really like this and
9:48then a lot of my other images are going
9:50to be really really different so I have
9:52here the fool from The Guardian Tarot
9:53this is a Tarot that I pull for myself
9:56for self love and self guidance and self
9:59nurturing what I love about this image
10:02is the way that this figure is totally
10:04arched back literally leading with their
10:07heart I adore the way that that posture
10:12makes me think of the fool and so often
10:14I think of the pool in this way where
10:15I'm thinking of the pool is being really
10:17open hearted and courageous but in a non
10:21intentional way this is the fool from
10:25the marielle and believe it or not the
10:29thing that you probably believe it the
10:32thing that actually I noticed the most
10:34is the nudity in this card and most of
10:36the time in Tarot nudity doesn't stand
10:38out to me in a in a negative or positive
10:40way it's just it's just there but in
10:43this card there's that take me as I am
10:46energy that vulnerability and I think
10:49especially because it's male nudity I
10:51have this perception of incredible
10:53vulnerability in this card and the fact
10:56that the face is covered in this it
10:58there's so much that this says to me but
11:01in particular I see this is what happens
11:05he's surrounded by butterflies this
11:08what happens when you drop the mask so
11:12to speak and ice wearing one but when
11:14you drop the mask when you're just
11:15yourself when you say to the world know
11:18this this Who I am you you can take me
11:21or you can leave me but it doesn't
11:22change my right to exist exactly as I am
11:24powerful and I get this is another
11:28open-hearted free expansive expression
11:32of the fool this is from the shadow
11:34scapes Tarot
11:35I wish the image was bigger is it
11:39focusing I'm gonna put it from my face
11:40you can really see it there we go yeah
11:42it's like I need the camera to not look
11:44at me look at the card look at the card
11:45I love how she's on this like pillar an
11:49open heart and all these birds are
11:51around here with little ribbons and she
11:52she just there's so much trust in this
11:55image it
11:56yeah it's there's so much trust and
12:00faith but again I don't think it's
12:02conscious faith it's unconscious faith
12:04it's on it's on it's it's not mindless
12:08but it's definitely the kind of faith
12:10you have when you don't realize you have
12:11faith you know what I mean it's like
12:13you're just assumed everything's gonna
12:14be fine and it's gonna be fine of course
12:15it's gonna be fine why wouldn't it be
12:16fine that's the energy I get from that
12:18this is from the Tarot of the healing
12:21light we see the figure leaping just
12:24leaping and the dog is like what are you
12:26doing come back what are you doing I
12:29love that from the fountain tarot I
12:33gotta remember to put this back since
12:34I'm working with this deck this week
12:36focus on the card not me there we go get
12:41movement rushing ahead rushing ahead I
12:47adore this is probably one of my
12:50favorite fool cards of all time from the
12:51wild unknown even though this artwork
12:53has taken me some getting getting used
12:55to and I love it it's beautiful but it's
12:57just not been my typical stuff I'm gonna
12:59move this a little bit in front of my
13:00face so focus well that bird that first
13:05step that like you know what my wings
13:06are gonna work of course they're gonna
13:07work why wouldn't they work this card
13:11from my newer addition to my collection
13:14the deviant moon I think this is one of
13:17the cards one of the few cards that
13:19shows more oh I forgot to start I
13:21stopped holding up the right
13:22wait this is one of the cards that I
13:23think talks or speaks more to me anyways
13:28to the shadow side to the fingers in the
13:30ears lalalala I can't hear you I'm doing
13:33my own thing I'll care um
13:35meanwhile like just like oh there's no
13:37danger everything's fine and there's
13:38like this like little bitey fish going
13:40after him that fish I crave teeth yeah
13:43it's totally biting it's like yeah
13:46totally and this one I think speaks to
13:49the what happens when you ignore
13:51instinct when you just rush ahead
13:54without thinking of the consequences
13:54this one to me speaks to shadow at least
13:58with my own personal experience which
13:59I'll talk more though and then finally
14:01we have I've pulled from the this is
14:03another one that I think speaks more to
14:05the shadow side oddly this is from the
14:08everyday enchantment arrow by poppy
14:09Palin we see this construction worker up
14:13high he's already spilled some paint
14:14he's just about to walk off the edge
14:17there's something really that feels
14:19especially irresponsible to me about
14:21this particular fool
14:22he's on a worksite so not only may he
14:25get injured but he might end up hurting
14:26other people that spilled paint which I
14:28know is turning into the waters here
14:30down at the bottom that spilled paint
14:32could could interfere with somebody
14:34else's ability to be safe and I think I
14:36think that really caught my attention
14:37about this particular card cuz there's
14:39not a lot I think of fool cards that I
14:41can see the shadow as easily so the
14:43deviant moon one and this one definitely
14:45helped me to see that your
14:47responsibility element of the pool so
14:52with that I want to get into some cool
14:55experiences from my life that I would
14:57like to share so I thought I'd share
14:59some light some shadow and then maybe a
15:01big big experience if I've got one for
15:04each card so first I'm gonna start with
15:07something light and this one is going to
15:08be no surprise to any of you but
15:10starting this YouTube channel for me was
15:13totally a full experience it was totally
15:18a just jumping in don't worry about the
15:20consequences like don't overthink it
15:21don't over plan it and let me tell you I
15:23tried to plan it I tried to overthink it
15:26I tried like four times to film a video
15:28while I was overthinking it I was like
15:30okay if I'm gonna jump into the Tarot
15:32community first what I need to do is
15:34like plan all my con
15:35and I need to start with a video that
15:37like people are gonna be really into I
15:39want to show some decks I want to do
15:41this I want to do what everybody else is
15:42doing this was the energy I originally
15:45was gonna start my channel with and then
15:48as you all know from watching those of
15:50you who watched my first video no
15:51something happened that shook me out of
15:53that place that was like wait hold up
15:55that's not what it's all about that's
15:58not why I wanted to be a part of this
16:00community I wanted to be a part of this
16:02community to connect with people to to
16:05share in a vulnerable and authentic way
16:07because that is my powerful personal
16:09work being vulnerable and being
16:13vulnerable in a way in the public eye is
16:14something that I think is really
16:16important and especially in today's day
16:20and age I think we need more it's not
16:24for everybody let's just say that I will
16:26never judge somebody else for not being
16:28vulnerable on camera for not sharing
16:30personal experiences on camera this is a
16:32personal decision and I am blessed
16:35enough in my personal life to be able to
16:37do that and not be concerned about the
16:39consequences so for me it was important
16:42to jump into this full like full steam
16:44ahead and to start with some realness
16:48and not to say there's not going to be
16:50realness everywhere there will be I
16:51don't I don't know how to be any other
16:53way but when I teach yoga when I speak
17:02in front of a group of people the thing
17:05that is always my driving sort of heart
17:08center of all of it is being as
17:12vulnerable as I can be in that moment
17:16because I think it's our vulnerability
17:18that teaches each other that it's okay
17:20to show all of ourselves to the world
17:22and I know it's not that simple and I
17:26make it sound like it is but I could
17:29talk about this all day but truly
17:30starting this YouTube channel was a fool
17:33energy for me and it was in some ways I
17:37really had to get out of my own way it's
17:39why I did a live so early because I'm
17:41like I need to get out of my head I need
17:42to get out of my way I need to just talk
17:43I need to I need to show you all how
17:45excited I am to be here how how excited
17:48I was to have
17:49subscribers in the first couple of days
17:51the fact that you are all resonating
17:54those of you who are subscribed and
17:56hopefully if you're watching now and you
17:57end up subscribing the fact that what I
17:59have to say can resonate with others is
18:02it feels really good it feels really
18:04good it feels good to know that I can
18:05connect with you so let's talk about a
18:10shadow a shadow full experience and I
18:13did make notes so I wouldn't forget what
18:14I wanted to say so for me don't make it
18:19cool all the way away there we go
18:22shadow okay so the fools shadow side to
18:29me represents a responsibility to a
18:31certain degree being unaware of damage
18:35that can happen to you or others from
18:37your recklessness and so there was a
18:40period of my life shortly after I moved
18:42out of home and I moved out of a home
18:45that was and probably something I'm
18:47gonna end up sharing and bits and pieces
18:48throughout the time that I'm on this
18:50platform but I came from a home that was
18:54very tightly controlled my home was as I
19:00viewed it at that stage in my life I was
19:02in a very overprotected home and so I
19:04had actually very little if any social
19:08experience very little I had very little
19:13experience navigating relationships I I
19:18was like literally like that bird in the
19:21full card I had no idea what was in the
19:24world what people were really like at
19:26that point in my life 90% of my social
19:29interaction easily was the just barely
19:34begun Internet and before that bulletin
19:36boards and forums that was where I got
19:39my social fix so I didn't have a lot of
19:44real in-person face-to-face experiences
19:47and at the age that I was when I moved
19:49out of my home my home my child home I
19:52was 19 or 20 at that time and at that
19:57age everything is happening to you all
19:59at once you're in the discovering
20:01sexuality I was discovering that
20:03shoe ality I was discovering what it was
20:06like to experience a sensation of
20:08freedom and freedom you know there's
20:14there's a whole lot of stereotypes about
20:16people that come out of overprotective
20:17or overprotected or over controlled
20:20environments and the stereotype I'm
20:22going to refer to and I mean it no
20:24disrespect but it's the one I'm familiar
20:25with is like this whole Catholic girl
20:27Catholic school for girls sort of
20:30mentality we have this stereotype that
20:32you come up with Catholic school for
20:33girls and then you go crazy right after
20:35that like when you go to college or when
20:36you're finally out of that environment
20:38that was what it was for me moving out
20:40of my childhood home I suddenly was
20:44aware of any restriction or rule or
20:46boundary in my life I said I needed none
20:48of it I wanted it all gone I wanted to
20:50just do whatever I didn't want to think
20:52about what could happen I I wasn't
20:56thinking about what could happen I was
20:58just like if I want to do something I
20:59want to do it if I want to go to the bar
21:00and party with my friends I'm gonna do
21:02it and this was new like I had we're
21:05talking like I went through school I
21:07wasn't him really allowed to have a job
21:09I wasn't really allowed to go to
21:11anything social if I was gonna hang out
21:13with my friends they had to come to my
21:14house which was problematic talk about
21:17that later so I had I didn't have house
21:23friends like I had friends but my
21:25friends and I communicated and spent
21:28time together at school that was it um
21:30for the most for the vast majority of my
21:33childhood so suddenly I'm living on my
21:36own while living with roommates cuz
21:38living alone would have been way too
21:39terrifying at that stage but I was
21:41living with roommates and suddenly I was
21:43like aware of like god forbid anybody
21:45tell me to change anything about me
21:47change my behavior no I wasn't hearing
21:51it I wasn't having it from anybody and
21:53that created a whole bunch of problems
21:56in my personal life as you can imagine I
21:58actually had a really sweet boyfriend at
22:01the time and when I moved out from my
22:03parents home he'd got along well with my
22:06family with my parents but when I moved
22:08out suddenly he was the most suffocating
22:12influence in my life and it wasn't his
22:14fault he was the most caring guy
22:16but something I was like no man things
22:18are happening in my head and I need to
22:20explore like I need to I need to not
22:22feel restricted I need to not feel
22:23responsible for any other human being
22:25and so he was caught in the crosshairs
22:28of that and at the same time of course
22:30I'm discovering my sexuality and I'm
22:32experiencing all of that and it was
22:35pretty crazy but I'm totally rambling
22:38and I want to get back to the shadow
22:39point the really potent part the lesson
22:42I learned so it was around this time
22:46after I broke up with my boyfriend and
22:48I'm like exploring the world and I'm
22:49trying to figure out my sexuality and
22:51all this kind of stuff
22:52that I ended up on a pseudo date with a
22:57much older man and we had met at a
23:02coffee shop and I told people where I
23:03was going but I met this dude on the
23:05internet and he's like hey you want to
23:09come back to my boat I'm like all of 19
23:12or 20 this guy's probably like 35 or
23:15older and that's not to say anything
23:17about age gap relationships my wife is
23:19older than me I'm not opposed to age gap
23:21relationships but I had met this guy for
23:23like 20 minutes
23:24and suddenly I'm in his vehicle I went
23:27to his boat and a marina I went on to
23:29his boat where it was just the two of us
23:31and there was a point like we were
23:34sitting at his kitchen table and it
23:37suddenly dawned on me what the hell I
23:38was doing and I was like oh my god
23:41nobody like knows I'm at this guy's boat
23:44they knew I was gonna be in a coffee
23:45shop with some dude right nobody knows
23:48I'm at this guy's boat I don't even
23:49really know where I am um if he was like
23:53a serial killer or anything something
23:56horrible could happen to me right now
23:58and the second that that idea hit me I
24:01was like what am i doing what am i doing
24:04and thankfully I told him that I was
24:09suddenly really freaked out and he being
24:12a gentleman thankfully thankfully
24:13thankfully um took me back to the coffee
24:16shop where my vehicle was or where I'd
24:18taken the bus I don't remember if I was
24:19driving then but along the way I got a
24:22bit of a lecture and it was deserved
24:24maybe it appropriate I don't know but he
24:28said you know you're lucky that
24:30you know I had it I had some he was cut
24:32I don't wanna say he was a jerk he
24:34wasn't a jerk he wasn't but he had
24:36expected that we were gonna have sex on
24:38that boat and I didn't know that's what
24:40where things were going and I wasn't
24:42ready for that and it could have gone
24:46badly and that's kind of what he said
24:47he's like if I were a different guy this
24:48could have been a real problem for you
24:50and by that point I already knew that
24:52and I was already kicking myself and I
24:54actually tell this story often and the
24:57reason I tell this story often
24:58especially when I'm talking to people
25:00who are in that just coming away from
25:04being restrained or being feeling
25:07restrained the reason I tell this story
25:09so often is because it is so easy to get
25:12caught up in this sweeping energy of
25:16movement of exploring when you discover
25:18something new and that can be when
25:20you're discovering Terrill it can be
25:23when you're discovering I don't know a
25:26new social outlet a new hobby it's so
25:30easy to get caught up in that that new
25:33exciting energy and end up going down a
25:37path you never intended to go and
25:38sometimes we don't realize we've done
25:41that until we've done it and we're in it
25:43and I think that's why Rachel Pollock's
25:46statement about you know you could you
25:49could its the lessons we learn it's the
25:52lessons we learn it's yeah it's not
25:55always gonna be that way sometimes
25:56you're gonna open your heart and jump
25:58into something and it's gonna be like
25:59this YouTube channel and it's gonna feel
26:00amazing and you're gonna be surrounded
26:02with love and support and help and
26:04everything's gonna be fine
26:06but sometimes it's not gonna be fine and
26:08sometimes we need to listen to that bit
26:11of inner wisdom and we need to call on
26:13that and pull that into our lives and so
26:15I think that's why that experience was
26:17such a formative powerful shadow
26:20experience for me because many many
26:24people have not been so lucky many
26:26people have been in a situation like
26:28that where out of just trust in humanity
26:31they put themselves in a vulnerable
26:33position and we should in theory be able
26:36to do that humanity everybody should be
26:38trustworthy wouldn't that be amazing if
26:40everybody was trustworthy if everybody
26:42deserved our faith
26:43and our our our ability to see the
26:47positive amendment everybody was worthy
26:49of that and let me back up
26:50everybody is technically I think worthy
26:53of that but that's a that's a whole
26:54other topic the thing is we can't we
26:58can't do that in today's day and age we
27:00can't only give our our trust but at the
27:04same time I don't think I let that
27:05experience keep me from exploring
27:08there's a whole lot of exploration I did
27:11in my life that I am grateful that I did
27:13that I may not have done had I let that
27:16experience completely stop me in my
27:18tracks and scare me so much that I was
27:20unwilling to try new things or meet new
27:23people but it reminded me that safety
27:27was important that being impulsive is OK
27:30in certain contexts but that in some
27:32contexts it's better to real yourself in
27:35a little bit I think I needed that
27:37little bit of a scare to learn that
27:39lesson in a really tangible lasting way
27:43so now I want to talk about my biggest
27:46most expansive cool experience ever in
27:50my life I want to talk about how I met
27:53my wife and that story is all wrapped up
28:00in full energy so I met Peggy online I'm
28:05not on a dating site and not on a like
28:10queer forum although we were on both of
28:13those individually I met her playing a
28:17children's game called needle pets which
28:21was this silly game I think it still
28:22exists today it was a silly game where
28:25you have like a little digital it's
28:26almost like um think about Tamagotchi
28:28but like on a website so you have like
28:30this little pet and you can have
28:31multiple pets and you sort of play
28:34little games to train them and you it's
28:36it's silly it's amazing it's very
28:39low-tech by today's standards but it was
28:41really cute and I found out about it
28:44through a friend who had kids and Peggy
28:46found out about it because she had kids
28:48and we were both playing on this game
28:53and one of the features of this game was
28:56that there was like a little chat
28:57chatting area not live chat like forum
28:59chat where you can leave a post and
29:01respond to other people's posts which
29:03was a super familiar format for me
29:04because I grew up in the 90s and the 80s
29:07so anyway I found out about a sort of
29:12guild like a little mini forum group
29:14within the game that was queer and that
29:18was containing mostly butch femme folks
29:21which I was self-identified them at that
29:23point still today obviously but before
29:25that I wasn't self-identified femme and
29:28Peggy was a self-identified butch and
29:30she was actually I think running this
29:32particular group or in leadership I
29:35forget and she would run these like
29:37little games and challenges like where
29:39people could win all these I forget what
29:41they were called the Neopets like
29:42currency for points for buying objects
29:45and training your pet and all that stuff
29:47so we both ended up in that chat chat
29:50group partly because if you try to at
29:53least have been if you try to go to like
29:55a chat room specifically for lesbians or
29:57for butch Fatima for queer or whatever
29:59sometimes it turns into a bit of a meat
30:01market it turns into thing that's all
30:03about sort of sex and dating and like
30:06that kind of energy and Neopets was like
30:10this playful thing like the for it's
30:11meant for kids so ever you could even
30:14talk about you can use swear words you
30:16couldn't talk about anything
30:17inappropriate like it was highly
30:18filtered so you could only it was all
30:21clean and and that may sound a little
30:23bit like I don't know but at the time
30:26that was really nice it was really
30:27refreshing I would go there to chat and
30:28hang out
30:29Peggy would go there to chat and hang
30:30out and she would be in there building
30:32up points for her kids because she would
30:35whatever the points were called neo
30:37points or something like that and so she
30:38would give her kids points so they could
30:40buy things for their pets and so forth
30:41so she was on it all the time I was on
30:43it all the time and we also had a mutual
30:48friend who pulled us into an actual I am
30:51like instant message chat one night this
30:54is gonna be a real long story I hope
30:55your coffee is holding up like I'm gonna
30:57I'm gonna make this quicker I am NOT a
31:00concise person I'm gonna work on it
31:01though it'll work on it okay so I'm
31:05getting into Neopets detail don't need
31:07you so we started talking online and she
31:10was in Canada
31:11and I was in Washington State I had no
31:14intention of going to Canada I had no
31:16one I didn't even know I was such a
31:18typical American I'm just gonna say like
31:20maybe that's mean I shouldn't say that I
31:21still love America but um I was fairly
31:24typical I didn't know a lot about
31:26Canadian geography she was in Ontario
31:28then all I knew about Ontario was it
31:30somewhere somewhere out east it was out
31:33east I thought it was somewhere north of
31:35New York which is kind of sort of true I
31:37actually thought it was the easternmost
31:38province in Canada just just same
31:41geography not my strong suit
31:42so anyways we started chatting and
31:44because she was in Canada and I was in
31:47the States
31:47and because we got to know each other in
31:50such a family friendly place um
31:57our chatting we started chatting all the
32:00time like we started chatting on instant
32:02messenger multiple hours a day I would
32:04come home from work I would pop up the
32:05chat we would talk and we would talk
32:07pretty much until it was time for me to
32:08go to bed and neither of us thought
32:11anything of this it was like Oh new
32:13friend cool we're both used to making
32:15friends online it wasn't a big deal and
32:17I think because we both assumed we would
32:20never ever meet in person if neither one
32:22of us had the financial means neither
32:24one of us had the inclination to travel
32:28we were just totally ourselves from the
32:30very beginning I let all of my walls
32:32down I didn't feel concerned about my
32:35safety or so we had no filters and that
32:42was really refreshing it's one of the
32:43things that I actually enjoy about
32:44connecting with people online is you
32:46don't have to have those filters because
32:48if you make a friend online and they
32:50turn into a jerk you just you can block
32:53them just like get rid of them block
32:55them you know need them in your life
32:56anymore you don't need that drama you
32:58can just get rid of them and that may
33:00sound overly harsh but in my life I've
33:02had some I had some experiences y'all so
33:05we were completely unfiltered we were
33:07totally ourselves we got to know each
33:09other really deeply I told her
33:11everything she told me everything and we
33:14were fast friends
33:15and did this for hours and hours and
33:18hours a day for quite a while and then I
33:20want to say it was almost a year into
33:23knowing each other online that has been
33:24this kind of time together a friend of
33:26mine was getting married and I was
33:28invited to be a part of the wedding and
33:30the wedding was going to be taking place
33:32in Illinois in Chicago so for the first
33:35time ever in the time that I talked to
33:37Peggy I opened a map and I was like zoom
33:39that's about the furthest east I'm
33:42probably gonna be in the next 10 years
33:43so out of curiosity I wanted to see how
33:46far away where she was the town that she
33:49lived in that I knew she lived in st.
33:51Thomas and Ontario how far away that was
33:53from where I was living and I looked or
33:57sorry not from where I was living from
33:59where the wedding was gonna be so I
34:01looked it up and I was like who it's
34:03like only like a it's like a little big
34:05flight it's not it's not far at all and
34:07so I mentioned that to Peggy and we
34:09started planning our first visit and we
34:12didn't have a lot of expectations for
34:13that first visit we thought we were
34:14gonna connect we had been flirting and
34:17lots of great chemistry like dating
34:20style chemistry the whole time we were
34:22talking but we never had any of those
34:23expectations because again Canada she
34:27was in Canada I was in the u.s. like
34:29what were we gonna do about it she had
34:32two kids like nothing was ever gonna
34:33happen so I was like well let's spend
34:35some time together we're both consenting
34:37adults let's hang out let's see what
34:39happens and neither of us again we
34:41thought it's gonna be a single visit
34:42that was it went out there oh you guys I
34:48had the most incredible week of my life
34:50for that first week that I was with
34:52Peggy we connected instantly the
34:55chemistry was exactly as it had been
34:57because again we hadn't hidden any piece
34:59of ourselves we were completely
35:01everything was on the table and the only
35:03thing that I think took some getting
35:04used to
35:05was that we're the same height we're the
35:08same height and that took getting used
35:11to because every day when I would come
35:13home from work and turn on the chat to
35:14talk to Peggy I would pull up this
35:16really overstuffed armchair in front of
35:19my computer like like a full like almost
35:21like half loveseat size pull it up in
35:23front of my computer because we would
35:25video chat and I would plop down and my
35:28computer was up higher so I was always
35:29looking up at Peggy when we were talking
35:31so meeting her in person I was like dude
35:33I think I might be like a half inch
35:35higher than you that was the most
35:37jarring thing which it wasn't very
35:39jarring but the point is that that there
35:42wasn't really anything jarring like you
35:44know that was the only thing that seemed
35:45different from how we've been in person
35:48we're sorry online so we spent a week
35:51together and we had incredible
35:53experiences like she sang to me she
35:55danced with me in her living room like
35:57it was the most romantic thing ever and
35:59still the entire week we're telling each
36:01other were just friends this is just
36:03this for fun like it's fine
36:06and we even leading into this just so it
36:08just I can relate it to my shadow
36:09experience of the fool
36:11we made all kinds of plans like we we
36:13had several friends that knew the
36:14addresses like that knew I was gonna be
36:16there on her end and that knew where I
36:18was going on my end I had safe call set
36:20up so people were going to check in with
36:21me at specific points I did all the
36:24safety stuff and Peggy and I discussed
36:26very brutally honest like what happens
36:28if I get there and either one of us is
36:30uncomfortable or something goes weird so
36:33we already had plant backup plans for me
36:35to have a hotel nearby like everything
36:37was set up so that there would be no
36:38pressure we could just we could just
36:41hang out but I did stay with her that
36:43whole week and with her kids and got to
36:45know them and it was amazing how much we
36:49connected not a surprise just it was
36:53really powerful and I cried in the taxi
36:56cab back to the airport the entire time
36:59just like leaking like I could not
37:01believe I was leaving and I didn't know
37:03what we were gonna do or what I was
37:04gonna do I didn't realize how powerfully
37:07I felt about her until it was time to
37:09leave and and then what right and then
37:13what what were we gonna do so I get to
37:17the airport to wait for my flight home
37:19and there was an announcement that came
37:23on before boarding and they said we're
37:24overbooked if anybody is willing to skip
37:28this flight and go home tomorrow we'll
37:30fly you home tomorrow
37:32and we'll give you a voucher to go
37:34anywhere that this airplane line goes in
37:37the next year on us I am on the phone to
37:41Peggy right that second like do I take
37:43this do I take this offer like do you
37:45want me to come back am I gonna visit
37:47again like is this gonna happen cuz if
37:48it's gonna happen I'm totally taking the
37:49bump
37:50I'm gonna do this and she's like yeah
37:52yeah do it
37:53so I did it and I went home the next day
37:57knowing that we could plan now a second
37:59trip because again financially we
38:01weren't in the position to be doing all
38:03this back and forth travel and again
38:05she's got two kids she's raising them as
38:07a single mom I'm like low income in the
38:09States like doing my thing so I get home
38:14and the week after I got home a whole
38:17lot of stuff had to change there was a
38:20whole lot of things happening in my life
38:22and I'll probably get into that in other
38:23cards but as we'd proceed through the
38:25Tarot memoirs there was a lot of
38:28happening and a lot about that trip
38:30solidified where I was in my life versus
38:33where I wanted to be in my life the
38:35places where I had settled into ruts the
38:37places where I had let my life become
38:41complacency and I didn't share that
38:44stuff with Peggy because I didn't want
38:46to put that on her and say hey visiting
38:48you totally changed my life and here's
38:49all the stuff I'm gonna do and I also
38:51wasn't sure how to tell her that I
38:53realized I'd fallen in love with her I
38:56was the type of person at that point in
38:58my life that I did not make those kinds
39:00of vulnerable leaves I would tell people
39:04how I felt about them if I was sure how
39:05they felt about me first I would make
39:08changes in my life when I had groundwork
39:10laid when things were for sure gonna
39:12happen the way that I wanted them to
39:14things were stable and planned and I
39:17would always know the outcome or think I
39:18knew the outcome so the idea of telling
39:21Peggy that I had fallen in love with her
39:22when I wasn't even sure there was
39:24anything we could do about it was
39:25terrifying and I still knew I needed to
39:28do it
39:28so after I got some things in my
39:31personal life sorted out I found her and
39:33I said so I think I've fallen in love
39:36with you and she got very quiet and she
39:41said okay I think I need to take some
39:43time to think about that
39:44and we got off the phone and that was
39:49probably those next couple of days she
39:52took a couple of days for real those are
39:55kind of scariest couple of days in my
39:56life because I didn't even know I didn't
39:58know she felt the same way I didn't know
39:59if I just like bared my soul to somebody
40:02who was like nah man
40:03I mean you all know it intended happy
40:05but at the time I was like what is
40:07happening right now so a couple days
40:12later she phones me back and she says
40:16okay I feel the same way and now we need
40:19to talk about what we're gonna do about
40:22it she got very practical very quickly
40:25and said look like you're in the States
40:29I can't move to the states I don't have
40:32I don't qualify to emigrate there's
40:34immigrating to the States you need to
40:36meet certain qualifications for points
40:38and so forth I don't really know how it
40:39works but she'd already done some
40:41lookups I think at that point and she's
40:43like it's not gonna work and I was like
40:45okay but at the time gay marriage was
40:48legal in Canada still is but they were
40:50way ahead of the states so this was like
40:5213 years ago and it was already legal in
40:55Canada which is amazing she said you
40:57know we can get married and you could
41:00immigrate to Canada and so we this is
41:04the kind of conversation we had and keep
41:05in mind at this point we had seen each
41:07other in person once we'd spent a week
41:10together once and I know it's it sounds
41:14it's still to me looking back it's like
41:17it sounds crazy when I tell this story
41:19but that day on that phone call we
41:22decided we were gonna go for it we
41:23decided we were gonna get married and we
41:25also decided on that phone call or I
41:26should say semi decided because Peggy
41:28still needed to talk to the boys and see
41:30how they felt if they approved of this
41:33massive change to their life
41:36Peggy at that point was already ready to
41:38move the boys to another town she was in
41:41a small town both boys are gifted very
41:44intelligent
41:45there wasn't any universities or
41:47colleges in her area they were only like
41:4912 and 13 11 and 12 at that time so they
41:52were not quite high school-aged yet and
41:54she's like you know I'm already ready to
41:56pick up and move somewhere so we decided
41:59to give Vancouver a try so it would
42:02allow me to immigrate to Canada but also
42:06not be super far from my home and family
42:09where I'd grown up I was still in
42:11contact with much of my family at that
42:12point in my life and Peggy was not the
42:14boys were not they were kind of on their
42:16own out and Saint Thomas
42:17so we literally decided we had a plan
42:21like we made a plan that phone call and
42:23nothing about that felt strange to me
42:25nothing about that felt wrong to me I
42:28just knew she knew and we you know she
42:34later talked about it with the boys
42:35they're like yes let's do this I went
42:38out and saw Peggy again a few months
42:41later we spent holiday time together
42:43that year she officially proposed and
42:47gave me an engagement ring we went out
42:49and had an engagement party and but
42:51really we had already decided like this
42:53is what we're gonna do and it was a
42:55decision that was made in a very like
42:57almost I don't want to say clinical but
42:59it was kind of because we had to know is
43:01this even something that we can do so
43:05needless to say I made this decision in
43:09a very full energy kind of way I made
43:12this decision to literally pick up from
43:13the life that I'd known my entire life
43:15from an area I'd lived my entire life I
43:17was like yeah I'll move to Canada and
43:19I'm gonna get married and I'm gonna be a
43:22stepmother and I'm gonna do all these
43:24things that I had never I would have
43:26never in a million years thought I would
43:27do for anybody but this was something
43:30that felt right for me and I think that
43:33was the defining difference was that my
43:35heart knew this is this is the next step
43:38for you so on paper yeah Peggy and I
43:41actually technically only spent time
43:43together three times before she and the
43:45boys moved out here to Vancouver we both
43:49left everything we ever knew we both
43:51came to Vancouver as new to the area
43:53people we started out living right in
43:56Vancouver they didn't even visit before
43:59they moved to Vancouver this is how
44:01amazing this whole fool experience was
44:02they didn't even visit I found us a
44:05place to live from Seattle I came up and
44:07like found us a place I made
44:10arrangements so that financially we
44:12would be okay like made arrangements
44:14through my work I you know Peggy made
44:16arrangements through like her work she
44:18knew that she would be okay financially
44:19like we sort all of this stuff out the
44:22day that Peggy and my boys John and
44:25Steve got on the plane our voice they're
44:28my boys too
44:29the day they'd gone on the plane none of
44:31them had ever been on an airplane before
44:32in their lives the day they got on the
44:35plane to move to Vancouver was the first
44:37time they'd ever been to Vancouver and
44:40like my heart still goes pitter pat
44:43thinking about how swept up in all of
44:46that I was at the time and that full
44:49experience was open-hearted that was
44:51like yes that was like capital letters
44:54yes over and over again yes yes yes yes
44:56yes this is the thing I'm gonna do and
44:58it's right and it's real and we're now
45:03twelve and a half years married well
45:04maybe not a half I was like August so
45:06twelve and a little bit married I
45:09emigrated I am excited now Canada as
45:13well as the state's best decision
45:15obviously I've ever made in my entire
45:16life I got to become a mom I got to be a
45:20wife zero regrets and I found out later
45:25this is I know this is a very long story
45:28but I found out later and I don't
45:30remember how later after that first
45:32phone call when I when Peggy finally
45:34called me back and said okay what are we
45:35going to do I found out later that the
45:37reason she needed to take a couple of
45:38days was because when I left st. Thomas
45:43while I was dealing with all of my
45:44personal life stuff and trying to get
45:46things sorted out so that I could tell
45:47her that I was in love with her and see
45:49what came next while I was doing that
45:51she was thinking I am in love with a
45:56woman who lives in the States in
45:59Washington sorry my virus thing came up
46:01had to close it okay she's thinking I'm
46:03in love with this woman
46:04we literally spend six seven hours a day
46:07talking on the phone I've got no time in
46:08my life to actually meet women in my
46:10area and so Peggy was actually starting
46:13to hit this realization that this
46:14couldn't go on with us just spending all
46:16this time together and she was probably
46:18gonna have to call the whole dang thing
46:20off so I phoned to tell her how I felt
46:24about her she was in the middle of
46:26gearing herself up to tell me that that
46:28visit that I had planned by taking that
46:30bump on the airplane was probably never
46:32gonna happen that we were gonna have to
46:33just call it quits and that still that
46:37still makes me hold my breath a little
46:38bit because to think if I had not made
46:42I'm gonna get emotional
46:43who drink coffee drink coffee if I had
46:49not trusted my heart if I had not chosen
46:53to put it all out on the table if I had
46:58chosen not to take a risk in that
47:00circumstance none of this would have
47:02ever happened I wouldn't be living here
47:05I would be a mom to two incredible now
47:08man children I wouldn't have gotten
47:11married to the absolute love of my life
47:13my absolute soulmate
47:15none of that would happen that is the
47:19defining full moment of my life
47:21that was huge and it became a topic of
47:24conversation with family and friends for
47:26a long time after because they're like
47:28you know on the surface it looks like
47:30hey I met some chick online and then I
47:32moved to Canada
47:34not it was I think a big surprise to a
47:38lot of the people in my life how
47:40powerful this whole thing was for me
47:41because nobody saw the hinds
47:43behind-the-scenes stuff to people in my
47:46life this was a huge shock because it
47:47was like I was all over the interaction
47:51Peggy and I had was private it was all
47:52at home on our computers and video chat
47:55and and it was a process it was a road
47:59between that first phone call and having
48:02it all come to be there was a
48:03long-distance relationship we had to
48:05maintain in between those two points
48:07there was figuring out the immigration
48:09process and the very slowness of that
48:12process and making it all happen and
48:14trust me many couples couples sorry I
48:17have a lot longer to wait than we did
48:19for the immigration process to go
48:20through but we were married and still
48:22living separately before I moved to
48:24Canada because we had to wait for all
48:26that stuff to happen but there was a lot
48:28in between those two points to get us
48:30here and along the way we both commented
48:34and noticed over and over again
48:36synchronicity after synchronicity after
48:38synchronicity things would fall into
48:41place just so so that things could
48:43happen the way they needed to happen for
48:45us to be together it was profound
48:49red tape fell away though I
48:54can't even be I could make a list of
48:56hundred different things we noticed
48:57where the universe God goddess whatever
49:01however you want to see it everything
49:03that the path was just it was just
49:05cleared for us it was just it was made
49:08as easy as something like this could be
49:10for us it was incredible so that is my
49:17that is my full story and this is taro
49:20memoirs and I'm gonna have to cut this
49:22short finish my coffee and I might film
49:26another short video we'll see because
49:28I've got a couple of other ideas I want
49:30to get out of my head but thank you for
49:31joining me and if if this series
49:34resonates with you if you like the idea
49:35of taking the taro and applying it
49:38directly to your life and sharing
49:40experiences I would love if you would do
49:42that please feel free to call it taro
49:45memoirs you can use a hashtag tera
49:46memoirs you can do whatever you want
49:48share as much or as little as you want
49:50but if you have a full experience you
49:52want to share something that that you
49:55feel makes that card and the energy of
49:56that card very real for you in your life
49:58please do I would love to watch it and
50:01if you do tag it then it'll be really
50:03easy for me to find your video so if you
50:04use the hashtag Terrell memoirs I should
50:06be able to find it I really hope that
50:08some of you will participate I would
50:10love to hear some of your full
50:11experiences next week we will tackle the
50:14magician and we'll dive into that I
50:16don't know that every single video is
50:18gonna be this crazy long I think we're
50:19at almost an hour now but I had a lot to
50:23say about this card and it makes sense
50:25because the pool is such a defining card
50:29and the major Arkan are big for a reason
50:30so I suspect a lot yet let's just be
50:33honest a lot of the Major Arcana cards
50:35these videos they're probably gonna be
50:36kind of long so I hope in this you've
50:38gotten to know me a little bit better
50:39and that there's something that you can
50:42take away from this that has made the
50:43fool more tangible for you and if you
50:45have any questions or comments on
50:47anything I've put in this video please
50:49leave them below I love the interaction
50:51I love seeing what your thoughts are if
50:55you enjoy this content if you're
50:56definitely happy for it to continue if
50:58nobody's into this then I yeah let's be
51:00I still do it because you know I like it
51:03anyways I hope you have an amazing day
51:06and I will talk to you all again very
51:08very
51:08soon I
51:09[Music]

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