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The less you care, the more you live | what I've learned at 27 — Transcript

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0:00If I cared what everybody else thought
0:02and felt like I needed to waste my time
0:05explaining who I am and what I do, I'm
0:08going to run out of time. I'm really
0:09going to run out of time to do what I
0:11meant to do here. And that is what I
0:13want you guys to remember here. Stop
0:16caring about what other people think of
0:18you. It's fueling the reason why you're
0:21insecure.
0:24>> [music]
0:29[music]
0:31>> Hello, hello, and welcome back to
0:33another episode of The Twenties Detox.
0:35I'm Bioc, your host, where we dive into
0:37all the things that I'm learning and
0:39unlearning in my twenties to elevate
0:41this decade. Before we get into this
0:43episode, if you're listening on Spotify
0:46or Apple, any other streaming platforms,
0:48just make sure to follow along and rate
0:50the podcast if you've been enjoying it.
0:53And on YouTube, subscribe. I post an
0:55episode every single Tuesday relating to
0:58either advice for living in your
0:59twenties, young adulthood, and also
1:02seasonal guidance cuz I like to plan my
1:05life with the seasons. I guide a lot of
1:08the content that I share based on what
1:10nature is giving to me. Had a little
1:12journal
1:13session. I'm ready to get into it. This
1:15is a different journal. Got it from my
1:17friend. Made in Italy. It's so cute.
1:19Today, we're going to really dive into
1:22how to stop caring what people think. I
1:25know that it seems like easier said than
1:26done. And some of you might not even be
1:29aware of how much you care what other
1:31people think. The older I get, the more
1:34I realize what real confidence is. And
1:37confidence, what I thought it would be,
1:38is like you feel so confident that it
1:40emanates this energy where everybody
1:43around you really loves you and like is
1:45drawn to you. And what I actually
1:47learned is having real confidence is
1:50when you know not everybody is going to
1:52like you, and you also don't care about
1:54that anymore because you're okay with
1:57who you are. So, confidence doesn't
1:59always draw in people to find you
2:02fascinating and magnetic and all those
2:05terms that we hear. It can just mean
2:08that you're okay with who you are and
2:11you're also okay with with people
2:13viewing you in even a negative light.
2:15Now, I'm not going to come on here and
2:17say like, "I don't care what people
2:19think." The reason why I am talking
2:21about this is because it's something
2:23I've really struggled with in my life
2:25and I have friends who struggle with it
2:28deeply as well. And I see how much it
2:30does limit us, especially when we're so
2:32young and in our 20s. It's such
2:33formative years and we're working
2:35towards so many things and learning
2:36about ourselves. It can halt a lot of
2:39progress when you get into these loops
2:42of obsessing with other people think
2:44about you. It could be a parent, a boss,
2:47a friend, an old friend, an ex, a
2:49current partner, somebody you're dating.
2:51And it's an exhausting exhausting cycle
2:55of rumination that can occur. And
2:58I think sometimes just talking about
3:00like, "Where is this coming from within
3:02our psyche, within evolution, within
3:03culture?" You can see it how it is and
3:07learn to unlearn that and get past that,
3:10detox that. Because I do think that
3:13caring less about what people think
3:16becomes easier as you get older because
3:18you can understand more about who you
3:20are and own it unapologetically.
3:23But I also think learning the tools as
3:25soon as you can in your 20s cuz that is
3:27when it hits full blown. I just tell
3:29you, it's only going to help us get to
3:31those states earlier. In Greece, I I
3:33went on a
3:35a recent Europe trip in June. I was in
3:38Greece, in Croatia, in Slovenia. And in
3:41Greece, we were on Paros and Naoussa is
3:46a place in the northeast part on Paros
3:50where you could experience more
3:52nightlife, have some really good food. I
3:54think I had like the best seafood pasta
3:56of my life when I was there. After
3:58dinner, we decided, "Okay, let's just
4:00like check out what the nightlife is."
4:02You know, like let's just like go and
4:03explore. If it's not our vibe, we can
4:05leave. We're looking around, we finally
4:06get into this place that was really
4:09close to where we ate, and it was busy.
4:11It was definitely busy. In the past, I
4:13think I would get a little bit
4:14overwhelmed. I even have an episode like
4:17I think 3 years ago about me talking to
4:19the fear of being alone in general. I've
4:21definitely overcome that so much more.
4:23Definitely just like exposure therapy,
4:25but for some reason, something clicked
4:28in me when I was looking out at all
4:30these people at this bar. I have never
4:33met any of these people even once for
4:35the first time. People probably I'll
4:37never see again, meet again. Like we're
4:40never going to see them again, and
4:42there's rare rare chance that we do,
4:44they might not remember us. But even if
4:46they did, so even a more rare
4:49occurrence, what they think of us
4:52shouldn't matter anyway, because they're
4:54so insignificant to our lives and how it
4:58would shape us. And they actually
5:00wouldn't even know who we are to
5:02formulate an opinion. And that's if
5:04somebody is extra judgmental, you know,
5:06like goes down that list of I see all
5:08these people for the first time. The
5:10odds of them seeing me again are super
5:11rare. If they do, they most likely won't
5:14remember that they've seen you. If they
5:16did remember you, they probably would
5:18not care about anything about you. Like
5:21their their opinion of you, they most
5:24likely would not even waste their breath
5:25thinking about it. And if they did, the
5:28even smallest percentage, that sense of
5:30judgment or maybe admiration, um
5:34doesn't really shape anything about you.
5:37Doesn't affect you at all. You probably
5:39would never even know. Yet, when we are
5:42in public and we look at somebody might
5:45be staring at us, we let ourselves go
5:47through rumination process of do I look
5:49funny? Do I look ridiculous? Maybe I
5:51need to like fix myself and we care
5:53about what they think, you know? That's
5:55something that happened in Greece to me
5:57and I was like, maybe I really should
5:59talk about this because I've always been
6:01super envious of other people who give
6:03like I don't I don't really care what
6:05anybody thinks attitude. I admired them.
6:08I thought that they looked so free. And
6:10now I almost have this mantra to myself
6:13of like a balance that I'm trying to be
6:16of always respectful, always kind. But
6:18I'm not going to really care about what
6:21they think of me cuz I know I'm a kind
6:23person. I know I'm a respectful person.
6:24That's me to my core automatically. But
6:27I don't really care about whether or not
6:29they think I am.
6:31Because they're not important enough.
6:32The people who I care about whether or
6:34not I'm a good person are those that are
6:37really close to me and I definitely had
6:39to recite that as a mantra within the
6:42last couple months so that I, you know,
6:44had the courage to do more things alone,
6:47go to new places, just have less of a
6:50mental and emotional load up here, you
6:53know, about it all. There are other
6:54signs that you might care too much. Some
6:57of them is feeling the need to over
6:59explain yourself of who you are,
7:02mentally defend yourself and getting
7:03ready for that in case they're going to
7:05say something about you. Or if something
7:07happens, you know, like your barista
7:09gives you your coffee and they're like,
7:11"Enjoy your coffee."
7:13And you're like, "Oh, you too." And then
7:14you catch yourself being like, "Why did
7:16I say that? She doesn't have a coffee.
7:17She gave me the coffee." And then you
7:19recite, "Why did I do that?"
7:20Overthinking your execution of that. And
7:23another really big one is when somebody
7:25is saying they disagree with you with an
7:27opinion that you have, that's really
7:29hard for you to sit in and you feel like
7:31you need to over justify why you think
7:33that way and almost wing them over to
7:35your side. I don't know if you've had
7:38this experience before, but this is when
7:40it started to really dawn on me of how
7:43damaging this can this can be not only
7:46to yourself, like the mental draining
7:49aspect of it, but also how it will
7:52affect your relationship with other
7:53people. Cuz I've had, you know, problems
7:56expressing my boundaries with other
7:58people or when they've upset me and how
8:01they they've said something. And to be
8:04honest, we're allowed to, you know,
8:06express that to to a certain point. If
8:08someone, you know, made fun of you in
8:11some way or put down the way you think
8:13about your spirituality or your religion
8:16or your job or whatever and it's very
8:17blatantly there to even gently express
8:21like, "Hey, I didn't like the way you
8:23said this." You'll notice the people
8:25that really care what other people think
8:28will not be able to own up to that. Like
8:32they will have to defend the meaning
8:35behind what they did and the intention
8:37behind what they did and how it wasn't
8:41never meant to hurt you. Rather than
8:42just noticing, "Oh, I can understand how
8:45my execution of that was a little bit
8:47off." Meaning like I understand that the
8:49words that I said were hurtful
8:52regardless of my intention behind that.
8:55Like a lot of people throw around the
8:56term narcissism, but to be like on a in
9:00a clinical basis narcissistic, one of
9:02the core things that they struggle with
9:04is massive insecurity. And it's why they
9:07have this like huge defensiveness in the
9:10way that they speak about themselves
9:12because they care so much about what
9:14other people think of them and they want
9:16to be seen in a certain way. So that if
9:19somebody says something that's against
9:20that,
9:22they can't stand it. And where is that
9:24coming from? This [clears throat] is
9:25what we're going to go into first and
9:27foremost.
9:29Your identity. People could be more or
9:32less attached to the roles that are
9:34within their identity, you know, and and
9:36how they want to be seen and how they
9:38want to be presented. And it could also
9:40be based on their conditioning and their
9:43trauma as to why they want to be seen in
9:45a certain way. Maybe it's to prove
9:47people wrong that you are a successful
9:49person, that you're a nice person, that
9:51you're pretty. This identity is so
9:53important to you that when somebody says
9:55something that contradicts it slightly,
9:58it's so hard for you to view that
10:02without like all these clouded lens
10:04because you care so much about people
10:06seeing you in that role. And this can
10:08also be culturally. In East Asia,
10:11academic performance is so so important,
10:14right? So, if somebody gives you a bad
10:16grade or they viewed your work in a way
10:19that say you did not get granted an A,
10:22that will really affect your identity
10:25and how you view yourself. Say you
10:27viewed yourself really skilled in that
10:29class. Maybe it was English. Maybe it
10:31was math. In South Asia, to be chosen,
10:34especially women in marriage, is a huge
10:36thing. And if you're say rejected by a
10:39partner and they say I don't want to be
10:41with you, then that can really affect
10:44your identity where you don't just
10:46think, "Oh, maybe this person isn't good
10:49for me." You care on an even deeper
10:51level of there's something wrong with me
10:54as a whole. In North America, what is it
10:56normally? It's career. So, if somebody
10:59says something negative about your
11:00career or they don't see it as important
11:04as maybe you do, rather than just see
11:07that as an opinion of them, you start to
11:09think, "Oh, they don't respect me. They
11:12don't think I'm successful enough." For
11:15example, if somebody said, "I don't
11:17really like podcasts." If I cared really
11:20deeply what they thought about me, I
11:22would try and like read between the
11:24lines saying, "Oh, you actually don't
11:26like my podcast. Like you don't like me,
11:28you know? You don't think what I I is
11:30worth it or worthwhile." And but in
11:32reality maybe they just don't vibe with
11:34that medium and that's okay.
11:37This identity also can be conditioned
11:39just beyond for cultural reasons but
11:42within your household, how your what
11:44your parents thought, maybe they were
11:45like you have to be a good girl, like
11:46people are watching. Let's not cause a
11:49scene.
11:50I don't know if you've ever heard that.
11:51It's like don't cause a scene, don't do
11:52that. What that conditioning is it's
11:55telling us if I'm disapproved by other
11:57people in a group setting, something's
11:59wrong with me. And once again that's
12:01like, oh I need to care what people
12:03think of me to feel okay on this earth.
12:07On an even deeper basis and on
12:09evolutionary basis, this is going to the
12:11root of afraid of being seen. And I've
12:14spoken about this before, my friend Emma
12:16Marshall also really introduced me to
12:18this topic. She talks about this quite a
12:20lot. And on an evolutionary basis, if
12:23you were seen in a way that to the
12:27village, they disapproved, then you
12:30might have been cast away and you had to
12:32fend for yourself. And at that point in
12:35time, that could have meant death. You
12:37would die because you can't care for
12:40yourself, protect yourself. Our brain
12:43has not forgotten that fear. We care so
12:46much what other people think because it
12:48was a survival thing back in the day
12:51with our village. Like they you you
12:53needed to be accepted by them or you
12:55would not stick around. And I do think
12:57that's really important to remember that
13:00it's a thing. Because when you start to
13:02understand, okay, this is my brain
13:04trying to keep me safe by making me
13:08ruminate in these ways. My brain is
13:10trying to keep me safe here cuz it still
13:12thinks, oh my gosh, what about if that
13:14barista thinks I'm so weird because I
13:17said, you too for your coffee and
13:20they're going to reject me and I'm never
13:21going to be able to be back in that
13:22place ever again. Like sometimes your
13:24brain does go through to those extremes
13:27if when you're not able to really calm
13:29it down. And sometimes I just think like
13:32when you're in your 20s and say you're
13:33exploring certain things, you're trying
13:35different things, you're trying a new
13:37career path, you're you're changing your
13:39job, you're dating somebody else. It's
13:41like we constantly need the approval of
13:43others it seemed to feel good about what
13:46we're doing because we're exploring. And
13:49I'm learning that it is so damaging to
13:52think that way because all the things
13:55that you're doing for people, say would
13:57be like the job that you chose or the
13:59partner you're deciding to date, it's
14:01now becoming their choice, not yours.
14:05And going back to that confidence
14:07statement of understanding confidence is
14:09not I'm just liked by everybody,
14:12everybody agrees with what I'm doing.
14:15Real confidence is I'm going to choose
14:17what I want, who I want to date, what I
14:20want to be regardless if they like it or
14:23not because I don't care what they
14:25think. I don't hold their opinion on
14:28such a high pedestal anymore. It's mine.
14:31My 20s hit with this caring of what
14:35people think a lot, but I actually was
14:37thinking back in high school and early
14:39university. I don't think I really did
14:41too much. Like I I did, but not to the
14:44extent that I did in my early 20s. Like
14:47I remember in high school, there was
14:49this girl who I did not really know her.
14:53Word went out a mutual friend of ours
14:56told me, you know, so-and-so texted me
14:59saying you're a super self-centered
15:00person. And I'm like, what? She doesn't
15:02even know me. This girl I I really don't
15:05even think we've had a full
15:06conversation. How can she tell me that
15:09I'm these things when she doesn't know
15:10who I am? I didn't really care at that
15:13point. I didn't feel like I needed to
15:15explain who I was and I didn't feel like
15:18I needed to go and correct her either.
15:21Afterwards, another mutual friend of
15:23ours, I was uh talking to the mutual
15:25friend and I was like, "Yeah, it's kind
15:27of weird she said these things." And I
15:29actually got a message from the girl
15:31apologizing for saying that and thinking
15:35that. And I was like, "It's all good.
15:36I'm just like really recommending for
15:38the future, don't formulate an opinion
15:40of somebody if you don't know them. You
15:42know, it's just not good for you, it's
15:43not good for me. You're kind of lucky in
15:46this case that I just don't care. And I
15:48don't even care to make this bigger and
15:51tell people that you said that. Like, I
15:52just don't care. I just hope that this
15:54is a bit of a learning thing for you to
15:56not do to others cuz there definitely
15:58will be other people that would make
16:00that a bigger thing." That memory always
16:03comes to me when somebody has said this
16:06really great metaphor of understanding
16:09more and more about why we should not
16:11care what other people think. Somebody
16:12came up to you and they're like, "I
16:15think your blue hair is so ugly. I don't
16:17like it at all." And you don't have blue
16:19hair. You're going to laugh at them.
16:21You're like, "They're crazy." And
16:23and brush it off like nothing happened.
16:25Sometimes you kind of have to view it in
16:27that way, too. Like, when somebody is
16:30stating something and they don't hold a
16:33certain level of importance anyway to
16:35you, like just think of them as dissing
16:38blue hair that you don't have. We're
16:40just going to like recap a little bit of
16:42things cuz the last thing that I want to
16:43talk about is what can you do though
16:46when people who are in your close circle
16:49are are kind of close to you, formulate
16:51these opinions of you that you don't
16:53think are true. How do we let that go?
16:55Because that becomes more difficult, of
16:57course, right? But some of the things
16:59that I've summed up to understand more
17:01about what real confidence is, you allow
17:04yourself to be seen in who you are
17:05regardless about what other people
17:07think. The reason why we do take things
17:10so personally can be for a lot of
17:12reasons. It's not just the fear of being
17:15seen on an evolutionary basis. We're not
17:17going to like be cast out of the village
17:19and have to fend for ourselves. Like we
17:20just say, "Okay, see you. Bye. I'll go
17:22find somebody else." And also can relate
17:24to our sense of identity. The more
17:26insecure somebody is, the more they try
17:30and control their sense of identity and
17:33like control the roles that they are
17:35perceived in this world. And I really,
17:38really encourage to just allow you to
17:41have that like nuance and flow about
17:44your identity. Although it's very
17:46difficult when culturally you were
17:48raised in a certain way, environmentally
17:51with your family, you were raised in a
17:53certain way to care about certain
17:54things. There's a complex reasons as to
17:58why you might care about what other
17:59people think. And the more that you put
18:03the power into other people of how
18:06they're going to see you, the more
18:08insecure you're fueling yourself to
18:10become. To stop that and allow yourself
18:14to know, I know who I am and I know my
18:17roles are forever moving. They're
18:20forever changing. And the roles that I
18:22have are not so set in stone. So, if
18:26somebody describes it in a certain way,
18:28I can say, you know, that's not that's
18:30not mine, that's yours. You can let them
18:32be like that. Let them I guess the let
18:35them theory really comes into play here
18:37where you can let them view yourself
18:40like that and say that's not for me. I
18:42don't need that to trigger something of
18:46my identity. And also, you know, like
18:48just having a looser grip in general
18:51will help you not care so much because
18:53then you don't fall into these roles
18:55where people could pick apart. The last
18:57things are people's opinions when
18:59they're close to you. Say it's like a
19:01family member, a boss,
19:03sister, a partner. Know that already
19:06right then and there. Those are so many
19:08different versions of you. The way your
19:10dad views you is a different version the
19:12way your mom views you. It's a different
19:14version the way your partner views you,
19:16then your sibling, then your boss, then
19:18your best friend, then the casual
19:21friend, then a co-worker. Those are all
19:23different versions of you. The second
19:25thing paired onto that, based on
19:27everyone's individual experience, they
19:30will formulate opinions of you based on
19:34only what they know. You might not fit
19:36into that. You're not going to fit into
19:38somebody's entire view on life of like
19:41how you should be compartmentalized. So,
19:43what does that mean? A lot of what
19:44people think are just projections of
19:47themselves, projections of what they
19:49know, what they think is right. And
19:51those projections are going to be
19:52different. Somebody might think you're
19:53lazy and another person might think
19:55you're ambitious. If you cared so much
19:57about what they think, you're never
19:59going to know where you stand. And
20:02that's going to fuel, once again,
20:03insecurity in you cuz you don't have
20:06security in how you view yourself.
20:08Because everybody is going to contradict
20:11what you are, who you are, if you will
20:14let them do it. You know, I have a
20:16friend of mine that works so freaking
20:18hard, like I mean 15-hour days. She'd
20:21probably think I'm lazy. Whereas I I
20:24have another friend that, you know, has
20:27the summers off because she's a teacher.
20:28Maybe she thinks I'm hard working.
20:30Somebody who loves podcasts will think
20:32I'm doing such a really cool and
20:34creative thing. Another person who
20:35doesn't even know what podcasts even
20:37are, like my grandfather who's 91, might
20:39think, "Okay, that's cool. Don't get it,
20:41though." If I cared what everybody else
20:44thought and felt like I needed to waste
20:46my time explaining who I am and what I
20:49do,
20:51I'm going to run out of time. I'm really
20:52going to run out of time to do what I
20:54meant to do here. And that is what I
20:56want you guys to remember here. Stop
20:59caring about what other people think of
21:01you. It's fueling the reason why you're
21:04insecure. Secondly, you're never going
21:08to have enough time thinking like that
21:10to do things in the way that is just
21:13more free and just for you. And you'll
21:15notice you won't even do anything
21:16differently. You'll just feel that
21:18weight off your shoulders. And I've been
21:20really owning this. I've been really
21:21like owning this lately in the past
21:23couple months cuz I can just walk into a
21:25room with more confidence. Not because I
21:27think I'm doing such cool things in a
21:29way that's completely different than I
21:31felt maybe 4 months ago. I just don't
21:34care whether or not they think it's cool
21:36because I do. I think it's cool. And the
21:39people I choose to be in my life, my
21:42partner, my best friends, I hope that
21:44they think it's cool. Those are the
21:46people I choose. But most importantly,
21:49beyond your closest circle, you are your
21:52best friend. You're your best
21:53cheerleader. You're the person that you
21:56should only care what people think
21:58really. And I don't mean this in an
21:59arrogant way. I don't mean be rude to
22:02people, be disrespectful. Just don't
22:05hold the weight about other people's
22:07approval over you. And when you actually
22:10do that, you'll find you'll become a
22:11kinder person. You'll be able to have
22:13conversations with people even if they
22:16disagree with you. You'll just live in
22:18the nuance of what life is. What I would
22:20recommend, since this is a bit of a
22:22shorter episode, go and listen to the
22:25unlearning episode. Maybe another time
22:27this week or right after if you want
22:29because I'm not going to go deep into
22:32how to unlearn these beliefs about
22:34caring so much about what other people
22:35think of us. I would love for you to
22:37just think about what are the things
22:40that trigger you the most where you need
22:41to overexplain yourself and who you are.
22:44How to let it go? Go watch the episode
22:47of unlearning because that will break it
22:49down in so many ways of how you can do
22:51that. And just like I gave a journal
22:53prompt right there, I have a free
22:55newsletter that goes out every single
22:56Sunday where I give activities, actions
22:59of the week. So, and a journal prompt
23:02will be on there as well as an activity
23:05that you could do to like support
23:06yourself even further in the lessons
23:09that I share with the podcast, but even
23:12if I don't release a podcast episode,
23:14like I didn't last week, I still always
23:16release a newsletter. So, you'll find
23:18that in your inbox every single Sunday,
23:21and it's totally free to sign up. It's
23:22just another way for me to connect with
23:25you in a more intentional way. If you
23:26listened to my last episode, you already
23:29know what I feel about social media. And
23:32lastly, a huge way that you can support
23:35this channel, this entire platform, the
23:3820s detox, is by buying my guide Align
23:42Your Life With the Seasons. It's a
23:43four-part series that you can use time
23:46and time again every year. I am going to
23:48be updating it for 2027, but I'm going
23:51to be sending it to every one of you
23:53anyway who have already bought it this
23:54year. And cliff notes is winter's energy
23:58is not taking action in the way that the
24:00new year, you know, the the Gregorian
24:02calendar tends to do for us of this new
24:05year, new me. Don't subscribe to that.
24:07Winter is a time to turn it inward.
24:09Spring is the new year where you are
24:12literally springing out to take all this
24:14action. There's very bold and fast
24:17energy. We're in the summer now where
24:19things have bit plateau. There's a more
24:21mature energy outside. And then fall is
24:24harvest season. It's the harvest moon
24:26there. I essentially give tips, journal
24:28prompts, quarterly check-ins for you to
24:31work through your goals, things that you
24:33want to prioritize in the year in a way
24:37that is in alignment with the energy
24:40outside. I think I spoke enough about
24:43this. I hope that you enjoyed this
24:44episode.
24:46Once again, thank you so much for the
24:47love on the last episode. I love all the
24:50comments and insights that you guys are
24:52sharing. I try and respond to almost
24:54every one of you back because I am doing
24:58this first and foremost for connection.
24:59Like I love to connect with so many of
25:01you and I think it's just so cool how
25:03we're all really in this together. Like
25:05once we're aware that it is a process
25:07that is happening and where this could
25:09come from and hopefully these
25:11conversations help you in some way. You
25:14are your greatest teacher on how to heal
25:17yourself and I hope that the
25:19conversations that I share just
25:21enlighten, bring some awareness. So,
25:24anyway,
25:24thank you so much for listening.
25:26I'll see you guys next week.
25:27>> Bye.

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