The Journey of Grieving, Feeling and Healing | Dr. Edith Eva Eger | TEDxSanDiego — Transcript

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1. 0:17You know what? Sometimes I wonder
2. 0:21why did I survive?
3. 0:24And maybe I'm here today
4. 0:28to be a very good role model to you.
5. 0:32Not to revolve in life, but to evolve.
6. 0:36You cannot grieve what you don't feel.
7. 0:40So, I like to really ask you to maybe
8. 0:43listen to the process that I have
9. 0:46experienced
10. 0:47from Auschwitz. I'd like to take you way
11. 0:51back
12. 0:52way back to 1943
13. 0:56when I am a 15-year-old young girl
14. 0:59and learning how to hopefully be part of
15. 1:04the Olympic team. I am taking ballet
16. 1:07lessons there, and I'm getting ready for
17. 1:11my boyfriend to take a picture of me as
18. 1:14I do a split.
19. 1:17And as I do a split my world is just
20. 1:20beautiful. I am totally in love.
21. 1:24But I had no idea
22. 1:27that
23. 1:28I will never come back to that place.
24. 1:32So, I was very happy with my boyfriend.
25. 1:35We planned our time together in school
26. 1:38and how we are going to get married and
27. 1:41have a life together. We had our own
28. 1:43book club. And then, all of a sudden,
29. 1:47there was a knock on my door that
30. 1:49invited me
31. 1:51and many, many others
32. 1:54to go on that
33. 1:56terrible, terrible journey
34. 1:59from Kassa, Hungary
35. 2:01to Auschwitz. We were pushed in totally.
36. 2:05My mother held me and she said,
37. 2:09"We don't know where we're going. We
38. 2:10don't know what's going to happen. Just
39. 2:12remember, no one can take away from you
40. 2:16what you put in your own mind."
41. 2:19There is a sign
42. 2:21Arbeit macht frei, work makes you free.
43. 2:26My father thinks it's not going to be
44. 2:29bad because we're just going to work and
45. 2:32then we're going to go home.
46. 2:34That is not happen at all.
47. 2:37I stood in line with my sister
48. 2:40and the end of the line
49. 2:42there was a guy pointing to the left and
50. 2:45pointing to the right.
51. 2:47He asked me
52. 2:49pointing at my mother
53. 2:51"Is this your sister
54. 2:54or is this your mother?"
55. 2:58I could not ever forgive myself that I
56. 3:01told him it's my mother.
57. 3:04He pointed to the left. I followed my
58. 3:07mom. He came to me and said, "You're
59. 3:09going to see your mother very soon.
60. 3:11She's just going to take a shower." And
61. 3:14promptly threw me on the other side.
62. 3:17When I stood in line to get my tattoo
63. 3:21I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I was
64. 3:24told
65. 3:25they don't want to give me the tattoo
66. 3:27because I'm going to the gas chamber.
67. 3:29They could put me in a gas chamber any
68. 3:31minute and beat me up and tortured me
69. 3:34and never, ever murder my spirit.
70. 3:38I will talk to you about the journey
71. 3:42of grieving
72. 3:44feeling and healing. Victor Frankl and I
73. 3:48talked about that we are not a shrink
74. 3:51but a stretch and I kind of like that,
75. 3:54that I'm here to stretch your comfort
76. 3:57zone to be able to go through the
77. 4:00grieving, feeling, and healing. The way
78. 4:04we grieve that we cry.
79. 4:07We scream.
80. 4:09And when you're in a car, it's really
81. 4:11helpful. No one can hear you. You scream
82. 4:15it out. You cry.
83. 4:18And then you laugh like a hyena and get
84. 4:21all all those feelings out.
85. 4:24But I tell you that you cry. You cry.
86. 4:28And then you can't cry anymore. You'll
87. 4:30see.
88. 4:32Don't allow yourself
89. 4:35anything but being a survivor.
90. 4:39So you feel the feelings.
91. 4:43And then
92. 4:44you feel more.
93. 4:46And it comes up sometimes in the most
94. 4:50unpportune time.
95. 4:52If you don't want someone to see you
96. 4:54crying,
97. 4:55maybe you want to wear dark glasses. You
98. 4:58can see them, but they cannot see you.
99. 5:01Don't allow that to stop you from your
100. 5:03daily functioning. It's not 24/7
101. 5:07that you're grieving. But I think it's
102. 5:10good to put a little side
103. 5:12uh a time every day
104. 5:14when you grieve, when you scream.
105. 5:17And then
106. 5:19you're going to feel better because what
107. 5:21comes out of your body doesn't make you
108. 5:23ill. What stays in there does.
109. 5:26And I like to tell you that there is no
110. 5:29grieving
111. 5:32without feeling.
112. 5:34I hope you cannot try to understand
113. 5:37what's going on. That's all in your head
114. 5:40trying to figure things out. It's better
115. 5:43to really go to the heart and give
116. 5:47yourself permission to feel
117. 5:49the feelings
118. 5:52because then you're going to begin
119. 5:55the healing. There is no forgiveness,
120. 5:58letting go without rage.
121. 6:01I remember when I was rageful
122. 6:05rageful recognizing
123. 6:08that my boyfriend was gone.
124. 6:11I have not have my parents with me
125. 6:14anymore.
126. 6:15So try don't try to cover things up. We
127. 6:19don't cover chocolate with
128. 6:21Hungarian paprika.
129. 6:23That's see how you can find a part in
130. 6:27you
131. 6:29that's going to keep you congruent
132. 6:32that your thinking, your feeling, and
133. 6:35your behavior is in your charge.
134. 6:39But just remember
135. 6:43grieving, feeling, and healing will go
136. 6:47through
137. 6:49a period when you are absolutely angry.
138. 6:55Absolutely rageful.
139. 6:59And it's not fair.
140. 7:02And that's okay as long as you don't get
141. 7:05stuck in it.
142. 7:06Because that's a victim's mentality.
143. 7:09Why me? Why me? Rather than what now?
144. 7:13So my healing
145. 7:16took many, many years.
146. 7:18That's why I feel so fortunate to let
147. 7:21you know not to ever, ever give up.
148. 7:25To find hope in hopelessness and I look
149. 7:28for the a gift in everything.
150. 7:31In the darkest places
151. 7:34you may go through a dark tunnel
152. 7:38and you're going to look for the light.
153. 7:40You're not just trying to grieve and
154. 7:44grieve, but to allow give yourself
155. 7:46permission to feel that feeling of loss,
156. 7:50that unexpected, that totally
157. 7:52unanticipated.
158. 7:54It's okay to be angry.
159. 7:57It's okay to legitimize
160. 8:00that anger,
161. 8:01but be careful how long you going to
162. 8:03hold on to that.
163. 8:06You got to go through the anger, going
164. 8:09through the value of the shadow of
165. 8:10death. Just don't camp there or set up
166. 8:13household there.
167. 8:15The pandemic is something
168. 8:18that is still going on.
169. 8:21We don't know how long it's going to be,
170. 8:24but I can tell you as a survivor
171. 8:28that the surviving
172. 8:31can makes you stronger.
173. 8:33Maybe today we don't know what's going
174. 8:36to happen next,
175. 8:38and that is really very difficult to
176. 8:41acquire something of a skill
177. 8:45that no one ever can get to you and take
178. 8:48away your peace of mind.
179. 8:51So, I started to tell you
180. 8:54about the teenager
181. 8:57on that city pool
182. 8:59wearing a beautiful
183. 9:01white striped bathing suit and knowing
184. 9:05that the boys are looking at me.
185. 9:07No, I won't be that girl anymore. That
186. 9:11little girl
187. 9:13is never be the same.
188. 9:15She's going to be better.
189. 9:17She's going to be stronger.
190. 9:20So, find that little girl in you as well
191. 9:23and tell that little boy as well
192. 9:27that you want to become a healthy adult,
193. 9:31that you can think in a way that you not
194. 9:34only take care of the me, me, me, that
195. 9:36you do everything in your power to unite
196. 9:40and hopefully
197. 9:41empower each other with our differences.
198. 9:45So, you can be you, the one-of-a-kind.
199. 9:48There never ever be another you.
200. 9:52So, the question is now
201. 9:55as I leave you,
202. 9:59how you going to look at life
203. 10:03that in everything that is happening
204. 10:07there is a gift in it.
205. 10:09It's not what happens, it's what you do
206. 10:12with it.
207. 10:13I want to let you know
208. 10:17that there are a lot of untapped
209. 10:20potential
210. 10:21in the shadow.
211. 10:24That you go through that shadow
212. 10:28and you're never going to be same.
213. 10:31You're going to be better.
214. 10:33Because suffering gives you strength.
215. 10:37And then you become a survivor
216. 10:40and never a victim.
217. 10:42Ever.
218. 10:45I wish you a wonderful journey in life
219. 10:48that when you are in your deathbed,
220. 10:51you're going to be very satisfied
221. 10:54to really truly live life to the
222. 10:57fullest.
223. 10:58That you have joy,
224. 11:00passion, love, and purpose in life.
225. 11:13Someone asked, in the face of adversity,
226. 11:16what is your best advice? What mantra
227. 11:18might help anchor someone when a problem
228. 11:21feels insurmountable? Like, what would
229. 11:23what's something good that you could say
230. 11:25to yourself?
231. 11:26I
232. 11:27like to talk about the goal. Because if
233. 11:30there is someone has a goal, they have
234. 11:33an arrow that they follow.
235. 11:35When I came to America from Germany,
236. 11:38there was a big storm in in the English
237. 11:41Channel, and I could see that we were
238. 11:44taken off somewhere, but the skipper
239. 11:47knew that we have to go to New York.
240. 11:51So, sometimes we have to go a different
241. 11:54path, as long as you know what you're
242. 11:57focusing on, that is going to really get
243. 12:01you closer to your goal.
244. 12:03This is another interesting question. I
245. 12:05mean, the questions are amazing. There's
246. 12:07so many. Um,
247. 12:09this one says, you know, it's
248. 12:10interesting to hear about allowing
249. 12:13yourself
250. 12:14to be angry.
251. 12:16My question is, is this a necessary
252. 12:19step? Can you heal
253. 12:23without the rage?
254. 12:26I think you cannot forgive without the
255. 12:29rage.
256. 12:31Mhm.
257. 12:31As long as you don't get stuck in it.
258. 12:34Anger is not a dirty word. It's just
259. 12:37what you do with it and how long you
260. 12:39hold on to it. Because, while I'm angry
261. 12:42at you, you don't suffer, I do.
262. 12:45Mhm.
263. 12:45See, I'm selfish.
264. 12:47I want to have joy and passion in life.
265. 12:50If I could be angry right now, hating
266. 12:53the Nazi, I would still be a prisoner.
267. 12:56Mhm.
268. 12:57Why give Hitler a posthumous victory?
269. 13:00No.
270. 13:00Mhm.
271. 13:01No way.
272. 13:02This person asks, how can you inspire
273. 13:04Americans to empower each other with our
274. 13:07differences instead of letting our
275. 13:08differences divide us as it is happening
276. 13:11today?
277. 13:13Well, you know, I was in Hungary with
278. 13:15Carl Rogers in the '80s. We brought the
279. 13:18East Germans together with the West
280. 13:20Germans.
281. 13:22I think it's very good for us to meet
282. 13:24each other. It's very hard to debase the
283. 13:28into an object who you know
284. 13:30and and break bread with.
285. 13:33Mhm.
286. 13:34See, we can get to know each other.
287. 13:37At the beginning when you were talking
288. 13:39about evolve and revolve,
289. 13:42um one of the things you talked about
290. 13:44was stretching our comfort zones.
291. 13:47All of us are being stretched in our
292. 13:49comfort zones today and and and we
293. 13:52more than ever before because we don't
294. 13:54know what's going to happen tomorrow.
295. 13:57And so, I'm doing everything in my power
296. 13:59to guide people
297. 14:01to really practice
298. 14:03every day
299. 14:06what they were meant to be.
300. 14:08Today, if I die, I will be so happy in
301. 14:13my deathbed not asking what the world
302. 14:16has given me or how I must suffer, but
303. 14:20how I was
304. 14:21able to become 92 years young.
305. 14:25Hey. Yeah.
306. 14:27younger now. I'm full of joy. I'm full
307. 14:31of passion. I'm full of curiosity. Be
308. 14:35curious. That will really make your life
309. 14:38much better.
310. 14:39I think that's a beautiful way to close
311. 14:41us out, Dr. Eger. Thank you so much.