The Forgiveness Project | Gill Hicks — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:04my name is jill hicks and i'm a survivor
2. 0:08of the London bombings which happened on
3. 0:12July the 7th in 2005 on that morning I
4. 0:18was just on my way to work like most
5. 0:22other people in the carriage with me I
6. 0:25was in the tube train in Kings Cross in
7. 0:28London and strangely for me I was
8. 0:33running late for work something I never
9. 0:36ever ever did and you know life
10. 0:41coincided that I was
11. 0:43I forgot my tube tickets so I had to buy
12. 0:45a new tube ticket and the train didn't
13. 0:48comes had to get on another train and
14. 0:49everything coincided that I ended up in
15. 0:53the same carriage as a suicide bomber in
16. 0:57Kings Cross without me knowing and we
17. 1:02were seconds out from King's Cross but I
18. 1:05remember before the bomb going off
19. 1:08I remember desperately for wanting the
20. 1:12driver to hurry up because I was running
21. 1:13late for work and there was a real sense
22. 1:16that we were so packed in and more and
23. 1:18more people coming into the tube and I
24. 1:20remember thinking please hurry up close
25. 1:23the doors so we can go because I'm
26. 1:26already really late for work and there
27. 1:30were my last real waking thoughts until
28. 1:34suddenly and as I said it was just
29. 1:36seconds out from Kings Cross and that's
30. 1:39all it was in the time that it takes to
31. 1:43just draw a breath or click your fingers
32. 1:46my life and those around me changed
33. 1:50forever
34. 1:52everything just went completely black
35. 1:58and I remember thinking am i dead have I
36. 2:03just died what what happened and I
37. 2:06thought this was my own personal
38. 2:08experience I had no idea it was a bomb I
39. 2:12had no idea that there were so many
40. 2:14people who had already died and all who
41. 2:17were suffering around me I thought that
42. 2:21my life had just ended
43. 2:24from what I remember it was it was very
44. 2:28interesting because I'd been standing
45. 2:29when this whatever and just happened I
46. 2:33didn't know then it was a bomb blast had
47. 2:36happened to me and when I regained some
48. 2:40consciousness I was sitting in a in a
49. 2:43bench seat so somebody had put me one of
50. 2:46my fellow passengers had put me on a
51. 2:48bench seat and the panic that was in the
52. 2:52tube the carriage had suddenly gone
53. 2:56quiet
54. 2:57and from what I now know is that those
55. 3:01who could get out did get out and those
56. 3:05of us who were left which were those who
57. 3:07were who were terribly injured like
58. 3:10myself and those had already lost their
59. 3:12lives were left in the carriage and it
60. 3:16was very quiet except for us talking to
61. 3:20each other trying to keep each other
62. 3:22alive asking each other questions what's
63. 3:25your name where do you come from
64. 3:27stay with us and I remember looking down
65. 3:31and seeing what remained of my legs and
66. 3:37I knew that both my legs would not be
67. 3:41recovered so I would lose both legs but
68. 3:44at the time I think because an injury or
69. 3:48injuries like that is so horrific you
70. 3:51can't quite imagine that you're going to
71. 3:55lose your legs so I remember thinking at
72. 3:57the time it will be fine it will be fine
73. 4:00once they rescue me
74. 4:02the doctors will fix me and I'll be fine
75. 4:04it just looks a lot worse than what it
76. 4:06is so I was trying to reassure myself
77. 4:09but at the time I was losing a lot of
78. 4:12blood and realized that I needed to act
79. 4:15to save my own life whilst we're waiting
80. 4:17for rescue so I was lucky enough to
81. 4:21still have a scarf on and I took my
82. 4:24scarf off and I made torn Akkad's around
83. 4:28the tops very tops of my legs in an
84. 4:31attempt to try and stop some blood and
85. 4:34sat and waited because there was nothing
86. 4:38that we could do and I remember I just
87. 4:41stared at the watch I had on and stared
88. 4:45and tried to focus on my watch only so I
89. 4:49didn't have to think or look and see
90. 4:52what had happened around me and the
91. 4:54people around me and it was about an
92. 4:57hour before rescue could get to us
93. 5:03I learned a lot about life and
94. 5:06understood a lot about life when I was
95. 5:10faced with my own death and that being
96. 5:15faced with my own death happened when I
97. 5:17was in the carriage waiting in that hour
98. 5:20for the rescue and in their hour I was I
99. 5:26was confronted by by what it meant to be
100. 5:29no longer here and what was important
101. 5:33what what would I do
102. 5:36how would I use my life and should I
103. 5:37live should I survive how do i best
104. 5:40honor that life and i knew instinctively
105. 5:43in that in that moment immediately after
106. 5:47the bombing and waiting for rescue that
107. 5:50my life would never be the same again
108. 5:52should i survive this and indeed the
109. 5:57very moment that i I could I remember
110. 6:01being asked what had happened when I was
111. 6:04in hospital and I was told then that it
112. 6:08was a suicide bomber and I'm I just
113. 6:11wanted to see his face who was this
114. 6:14person who would do this and I remember
115. 6:16thinking well it must be some monster
116. 6:19and I was given a newspaper and there
117. 6:22was a picture in the newspaper of
118. 6:24Jemaine Lindsay and I looked at his
119. 6:27picture and I thought wow he's just a
120. 6:32kid here's a 19 year old boy who just
121. 6:35looks like a 19 year old boy and I
122. 6:39didn't feel any hatred towards him I
123. 6:42didn't feel any bitterness I looked at
124. 6:45his face and I felt pity I thought how
125. 6:51sad that you've chosen to end your life
126. 6:55to use your life your small life these
127. 6:59tiny precious years that you've had to
128. 7:01cause such destruction how sad
129. 7:05I think it makes a huge difference that
130. 7:09the person that is that has done this to
131. 7:12me is dead that he's removed himself in
132. 7:18both physically and emotionally for me
133. 7:22because it it's taken away an
134. 7:25opportunity to to talk to communicate
135. 7:30for him to even ask or want forgiveness
136. 7:34I don't know so because he's no longer
137. 7:38here
138. 7:39I don't have I don't have to think about
139. 7:43him in any way shape or form I think
140. 7:46about him more in a symbolic way of what
141. 7:50he represents rather than him the person
142. 7:53which is very interesting because this
143. 7:56is how he thought about me so that
144. 7:59morning on July 7 2005
145. 8:03his name was Jermaine Lindsey and I can
146. 8:08only presume as he presumed about me
147. 8:11that he set out that morning thinking of
148. 8:15the people he was aiming to kill and to
149. 8:18cause as much destruction as he could as
150. 8:21his enemy and that is what I find really
151. 8:26interesting because I wish I was asked I
152. 8:29wish that he'd taken the moments before
153. 8:32he detonated his bomb to ask me are you
154. 8:36my enemy Jill do you believe in this do
155. 8:39you believe in that because I'm sure if
156. 8:42we'd had the opportunity to talk I'm
157. 8:46sure he would have been quite surprised
158. 8:47by my answer and indeed by everybody's
159. 8:51answer in that carriage that I didn't
160. 8:54think of anything cuz and us and our
161. 8:56then I didn't think of anything as
162. 8:58walking around in my life thinking oh
163. 9:00somebody's enemy or indeed deserve to
164. 9:02die so but he took away the luxury of me
165. 9:08ever being able to respond by presuming
166. 9:10and detonating his bomb and indeed
167. 9:14maiming me and and causing permanent
168. 9:18injuries
169. 9:19that I will live with for the rest of my
170. 9:21life I know that he didn't know me so
171. 9:25therefore he didn't do this deliberately
172. 9:27to me he didn't again set out that
173. 9:30morning to say I know I'm going to take
174. 9:33Jill Hicks's legs this morning so
175. 9:36therefore there's a there's an anonymous
176. 9:38sense that this wasn't personal that I
177. 9:42was just merely again symbolic of what
178. 9:45he saw as the them to his us or the the
179. 9:49enemy and I guess in in some ways maybe
180. 9:53that helps
181. 9:56forgiveness for me in this situation
182. 10:01hasn't really come into the equation it
183. 10:04hasn't been something that I've had to
184. 10:06to confront it hasn't been something
185. 10:09that I've had to think about because for
186. 10:11me I see forgiveness as an exchange and
187. 10:16the exchange has been taken away because
188. 10:20the person that's done this is dead and
189. 10:22I think also for me forgiveness is
190. 10:25something that is given if it's been
191. 10:28asked so I wouldn't want to again
192. 10:31presume that Jermaine Lindsey would want
193. 10:34to be forgiven he may not want my
194. 10:36forgiveness am i angry absolutely it's
195. 10:43not okay for someone to do this and it's
196. 10:47not okay for me to live a life without
197. 10:50my legs however that anger I use you
198. 10:56know in as a positive motivator so
199. 11:00rather than to to sit and to build a
200. 11:05hatred and to have my life then taken
201. 11:09even more than what Jermaine Lindsey has
202. 11:12done I feel strongly that it's about
203. 11:15choice and that it's about choosing how
204. 11:19do I want to react how do I want to feel
205. 11:22I think choosing to not retaliate is
206. 11:27courageous because yours you're saying
207. 11:30I'm bigger than this I'm bigger than
208. 11:34where you're trying to to take me down
209. 11:38I'm bigger than that and I'm not going
210. 11:40to meet you an eye for an eye and I
211. 11:43think that's very much the choices I've
212. 11:46made that hatred doesn't need to be met
213. 11:48by more hatred the destruction doesn't
214. 11:52need to be met by more destruction there
215. 11:54isn't you know there are other ways out
216. 11:56of that so I think that's courageous
217. 11:59perhaps to confront something and say
218. 12:02what do I do now what is my choice and
219. 12:05how do I choose wisely
220. 12:14you