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The Dangerous Part About Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love You Back — Transcript

by Jonathan Brisco · 2,141 words · 379 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Can I yap today?
0:02Let me yap.
0:05[sighs and gasps]
0:07You know, one of the most exhausting
0:09things that you'll ever do in life is
0:12try to get love from somebody who has
0:15already shown you that they don't know
0:18how to love you [music] back. They just
0:22don't know how to love you back. We
0:24going to get into it.
0:28Not because you're hard to love or
0:30anything like that. Not because you're
0:32asking for too much.
0:35It's exhausting because every day feels
0:38[snorts]
0:39it feels unfinished.
0:42Nothing is clear. Nothing feels settled,
0:45right?
0:46You're constantly trying to figure out
0:48where you stand. [music] I've been
0:49there.
0:52And that kind of uncertainty will drain
0:54you in ways that don't even look like
0:56heartbreak at first.
0:58It starts to look like you're distracted
1:00all the time, right?
1:03It starts looking like you're mentally
1:05somewhere else. Even when you're with
1:07your family, right? When you're with the
1:09kids or anything like that.
1:12I've been there. [music]
1:15It starts looking like you're you're
1:16staring at your phone more than usual.
1:22You can't even enjoy your food.
1:25You just trying to have a good meal. You
1:27can't even enjoy it. You can't focus on
1:30your work. You can't fully be present
1:33because a part of your mind is always
1:36occupied. Right? You're carrying a
1:38question around all day long.
1:42Here's how the questions look in. Do
1:45they want me? Do do they care about me?
1:48Is this is this going somewhere? Did
1:51something change?
1:54See, human beings can survive pain a lot
1:57better than they can survive
1:58uncertainty.
2:00Uncertainty. Oh,
2:03at least pain gives you something solid,
2:06right? If somebody walks up to you and
2:08says, "Look, I don't want this
2:10relationship anymore." That that's
2:14painful.
2:17But your mind can eventually stop
2:19searching. All right.
2:22Now, the problem is is when somebody
2:24gives you enough to keep the hope alive,
2:28but not enough to give you peace. That's
2:30where the problem is. They got you
2:33questioning all the time. [music]
2:35That's where people get stuck. That's
2:37where people lose years off their life,
2:40right?
2:43Because hope is actually very powerful.
2:45Hope will make you stay in situations
2:47that your peace would have left a long
2:49time ago. That's what hope will do. Hope
2:52will hope will make you excuse behavior
2:55that doesn't feel good for your spirit.
3:02Hope will make you keep saying, you
3:03know, they'll make you keep saying,
3:05[music] you know, maybe they're just
3:07going through something.
3:09I know you be saying that. Maybe maybe
3:12they need a little bit more time. Maybe
3:15if I communicate better. [music]
3:18Maybe if I'm a little bit more patient.
3:19Maybe if I just give a little bit more.
3:25And before you know it, guess what
3:26you've done? You've turned your entire
3:29life into a waiting room.
3:34You're waiting for consistency. You're
3:36waiting for the effort. You're waiting
3:38for someone to become who you imagined
3:41they could be. Just waiting, waiting,
3:44waiting,
3:46waiting, waiting, waiting. Oh my god,
3:49the waiting.
3:51The dangerous part about loving somebody
3:53who doesn't love you back is that you
3:55slowly become a person who just waits.
4:01Dangerous.
4:04And waiting is exhausting because life
4:06keeps moving while you're emotionally
4:08standing still,
4:10right? the the the [music] children keep
4:13growing. The opportunities keep coming
4:16and going,
4:18days keep passing, seasons keep
4:21changing, you know,
4:23but emotionally.
4:27Emotionally, you're parked in the same
4:30place because your heart is waiting for
4:32something to happen.
4:36Waiting.
4:38You know, I hear people say it all the
4:40time. I'm just I'm just trying to figure
4:42[music] it out, right? Figure what out?
4:46Figure out whether somebody values you.
4:50Figure out whether somebody wants to
4:52show up for you. Is that what you trying
4:53to figure out? Figure out whether
4:55somebody wants to choose you.
4:58Oh,
5:00see those are heavy questions to carry
5:02around every day.
5:05And eventually your body is going to
5:06start carrying it too, [music] right?
5:08You're going to become tense. cuz I've
5:11been there. I know about it because I've
5:12been there. You you going to become
5:13restless.
5:15Your mind never completely shuts off,
5:18right? You're emotionally on call all
5:21the time because you never know what's
5:23about to happen.
5:26Exhausting.
5:28A text message can change your entire
5:30mood.
5:34A delayed response can ruin your
5:36evening.
5:38Right? One affectionate conversation can
5:41fill you with hope.
5:44One cold interaction can make you
5:46question everything. I've experienced
5:49this stuff. That's dangerous. You know
5:53what you've done? You've accidentally
5:55handed somebody else the controls to
5:57your emotion. You've just handed it to
5:59them. Think about that.
6:02Think about it. Like, think about it.
6:03Another human being now has the ability
6:06to determine whether you have a good day
6:10or a bad day. That's a lot of power to
6:12give away if you ask me. Man, you just
6:14gave a lot of power away.
6:18And most people don't even realize that
6:19they're doing it. They think that
6:22they're just they're just in love. No,
6:25no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
6:27no. Stop playing with me. You're
6:29becoming emotionally dependent on
6:32uncertainty.
6:33There goes that word again.
6:36You're becoming addicted to trying to
6:38solve something that refuses to be
6:39solved. That's what you're doing.
6:43That's why [music] these relationships
6:45can feel so intense.
6:49The highs feel really high because
6:51you're so deprived of consistency that
6:54every little bit of affection feels
6:56very, very incredible.
6:58because you so deprived. A phone call
7:01feels special. Like a simple phone call
7:03that feels special, right? A compliment
7:06feels special.
7:09One good day feels special. But that's
7:12because you've been emotionally
7:15starving.
7:16You've been emotionally starving. If you
7:19feed somebody one meal after they
7:21haven't eaten in days, then that meal
7:23feels incredible.
7:26It doesn't mean that they're full or
7:28anything.
7:30It means that they're hungry. [music]
7:32They're hungry.
7:35Some of you don't have the abundance of
7:37love in your relationship. You don't
7:39have an abundance of love.
7:41You have moments of relief from
7:45emotional hunger. That's what you have.
7:49And because those moments feel so good,
7:52you keep on staying
7:58And then something else start h
7:59something else starts happening that
8:01[music] almost nobody notices at first.
8:05You stop checking in with yourself.
8:08You stop asking important questions.
8:12Do I even feel good in this situation?
8:16Am I becoming healthier?
8:18Am I becoming happier? Right?
8:21Important questions. Am I becoming more
8:24peaceful?
8:26See, those questions disappear because
8:28all of your attention is focused on
8:30outward.
8:32Everything comes about them, them them.
8:35What are they feeling? What are they
8:38thinking? What are they doing? Oh,
8:41that's a big one. What are they doing?
8:43That would drive you crazy.
8:47Why did they pull away?
8:51Why are they different today?
8:55Your whole emotional world becomes
8:57centered around another person.
9:01That's dangerous. I'm I'm telling you,
9:03it's dangerous. That's dangerous because
9:05your life will start shrinking.
9:08You stop dreaming as much, right? You'll
9:10stop dreaming. You'll stop being excited
9:13about your own future. It happened to
9:15me.
9:21You become emotionally employed by
9:24somebody else's behavior.
9:27That's man, it's a hard way to live.
9:33You know, every day you wake up and
9:35clock into a job that you never applied
9:37for. You didn't apply for that job. And
9:40the job is trying to figure out somebody
9:43else's heart, trying to p trying to
9:46predict somebody else's moods, trying to
9:49understand somebody else's
9:51inconsistency. That's your job.
9:57Trying to earn love that should have
9:59never had to be earned in a like it
10:01should have never had to be earned that
10:03way. That's exhausting work.
10:07You want to know what else is dangerous?
10:10The longer you stay in situations like
10:12this, the more your standards will begin
10:15to change without your permission. They
10:18will change whether you like it or not.
10:21Things that would have bothered you
10:22before don't bother you as much anymore.
10:25And that's a problem. That's a problem.
10:32things that you would have never
10:33accepted suddenly become,
10:36[music] you know, I can negotiate with
10:39it. I I I negotiate with it. Maybe I'll
10:41take that. You start normalizing the
10:43confusion, right? You start normalizing
10:45the inconsistency. It becomes your new
10:47normal. You start normalizing anxiety
10:50without you even realizing it. You
10:52become so accustomed to feeling
10:54uncertain that peace actually starts
10:56feeling unfamiliar.
11:01Some people have been living in
11:02emotional chaos for so long that when
11:04something good genuinely likes them when
11:08something good genuinely communicates
11:10clearly and and consistently shows up,
11:13it it it feels boring. It feels odd. It
11:18feels whack.
11:20That's what uncertainty can do to you.
11:24It can literally retrain your nervous
11:26system.
11:29It it [music] will make stability feel
11:32strange because you become so used to
11:34that emot emotional roller coaster that
11:37you've always been riding. That's
11:39another reason why loving somebody who
11:42doesn't love you back is dangerous.
11:47It teaches you to live beneath your
11:49needs, right?
11:52You stop asking for certain things
11:54because you're afraid that you'll push
11:56them away. You stop bringing up certain
12:00concerns because you don't want the
12:01conflict. I did that. I don't want to be
12:03arguing today, so I'm going to just keep
12:04it to myself.
12:06You stop expressing disappointment
12:08because you're afraid that they'll
12:10disappear completely.
12:13So now you're not only carrying
12:16uncertainty,
12:18you're carrying yourself less and less
12:21too. You become
12:24quieter.
12:27You begin editing yourself in hopes of
12:30keeping another person around.
12:33I'm telling you, this is a mistake. This
12:35is a [music] mistake.
12:38That's the That's a heavy price to pay
12:39for love, if you ask me. Right. I think
12:42that's why so many people feel tired all
12:44the time and don't understand why. It's
12:47because uncertainty is expensive. It
12:50costs emotional energy. It costs the
12:54mental space.
12:56It costs peace and [music] presence. It
12:59costs joy.
13:04You know, it's hard to enjoy your life
13:06when a huge part of your mind is always
13:08trying to answer questions that another
13:10person keeps creating. That's hard.
13:22And I need you to hear me carefully.
13:24This doesn't mean that the other person
13:26is evil. I'm not saying that. Don't get
13:28me Don't get it messed up. It doesn't
13:31mean that they're a bad human being. I
13:34it it just simply means that they're
13:37unable or unwilling [music] to give you
13:40the kind of love that you're searching
13:41for.
13:43All that is is is that's information.
13:48And guess what? Information isn't always
13:50pleasant, but it is useful.
13:54If I touch a stove and it's hot, that's
13:57information.
13:58The stove isn't trying to destroy me.
14:01It's simply telling me what it is. This
14:04is hot. [music]
14:06Sometimes people tell you exactly who
14:08they are. By the consistency of their
14:10actions,
14:13not by what they say, not by what they
14:16promise,
14:18by what they repeatedly do.
14:22And there comes a point where continuing
14:24to ignore information becomes
14:26self-inflicted suffering,
14:29self-inflicted suffering.
14:35Because now reality is speaking, but
14:36hope keeps interrupting it. And at some
14:39point you have to ask yourself a
14:40difficult question. It's always a
14:42difficult questions, right? How much of
14:45how much of my life am I willing to
14:49spend trying to convince somebody to
14:50love me the way that I need to be loved?
14:54That's a serious question because your
14:56life is not standing still while you're
14:57waiting. Time is moving whether you like
15:00it or not, right? Your peace matters.
15:04Your joy matters. Your future matters,
15:06dog. Sis,
15:10it matters.
15:12Why? Why don't you think it matters? It
15:14matters.
15:17And maybe the answer isn't learning how
15:19to love them better. Maybe that's not
15:21the answer. Maybe the answer is learning
15:24that your heart deserves environments
15:27where it can finally put its bags down
15:29and just and just rest.
15:35Because love should challenge you
15:37sometimes. I'll be honest about that.
15:39Love should challenge you. Love requires
15:42effort. Love requires patience,
15:45but
15:48love should not feel like you're
15:50carrying around an unsolved mystery
15:52every single day of your life.
15:56[music] At some point, peace has to
15:58become valuable enough that you're no
16:01longer willing to trade it for
16:02potential. Don't trade that peace for
16:05potential. You know, that's the easiest
16:08way to a heartbreak is to rely on the
16:10potential.
16:16It's a dangerous game that you playing.
16:20But you got this. If you are having a
16:23hard time with letting go, then you can
16:25check out the ebook, right? You can do a
16:27little bit of reading, right? You can
16:29get some help. There's other things that
16:32can help you out there, right? I have
16:35some audio series that you can check
16:36out, [music]
16:38right? That's not on YouTube.
16:41I have a detachment scheme course,
16:45some help.
16:47Check it out. But I'm yapping right now.
16:49Until next time, I will see you guys
16:52when I see you guys. Peace.

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