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The 5 Myths of Conflict Resolution - What Every Leader Needs Can No Longer Affords to Believe — Transcript

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0:00Hi everyone. Wow,
0:03I could sing with this kind of audio. My
0:06name is Paulina and welcome to the five
0:09myths of conflict resolution. So, I am a
0:13certified EMC trainer and I am also the
0:16co-host of the podcast, The Leader in
0:19You. You're going to want to write that
0:20down. The Leader in You podcast is
0:22amazing. We talk about all this same
0:24stuff and how to integrate it into the
0:26workplace. I co-host the podcast with
0:28amazing Dr. Dr. Lola Gersfeld and Dr.
0:31Lola is the founder of EMC leaders and
0:35she is also the creator of the emotional
0:39connection process otherwise known as
0:42EMC.
0:43So this is a wonderful process and we'll
0:46dive deep into it when we talk about the
0:48myths. And also I'd like to introduce
0:50Neve Hannon who's here as well all the
0:52way from Ireland and she runs the EMC
0:56center in Europe. So if you work with
0:59any companies that are located in Europe
1:01or if you need some support in Europe,
1:03you can contact us for support as well
1:05there. She's also a licensed
1:07psychologist. Hello everyone. It's so
1:09nice to be here. Please check out our
1:12book specifically bring your emotions to
1:14work. You can scan. You have a handout
1:17in your bag and on the bag there's a QR
1:20code that this is the bag. It's in your
1:22bag. In every bag there's a QR code. Get
1:25the emotions. Bring your emotions to
1:27work. That's a great handout. Okay,
1:29we're going to start.
1:30>> So, if you have the handout, you can
1:31also follow along as well as we go
1:33through each of the myths. The very
1:35first myth in conflict resolution is
1:39focus on the facts. We'd like you to
1:42take out your phone and scan the QR
1:44code. And what we're going to do is
1:46answer this question. When you deal with
1:49conflicts, do you focus on clarifying
1:53facts to resolve the conflicts? So, are
1:57you talking about the content of the
1:59situation? Are you trying to defend,
2:02explain? Are you trying to say who's
2:05right and who's wrong? Please take a
2:08moment to respond. Yes or no. Amazing.
2:12So, 17, 18, almost 19, 20 people said
2:17yes. And we see here's some nos, which
2:19is fantastic. Okay, this is right here.
2:22shows us what is happening in the
2:25conflict that we think would be
2:28resolving it. But in fact, the myth of
2:31using facts to resolve conflicts is
2:35actually does not work very well. And
2:38the reason is because when we talk about
2:40content in a conflict or a situation,
2:44then what happens is we stay in the same
2:47patterns and cycles that we have in
2:50every single conflict. And the reality
2:52is when we have those ongoing
2:54disagreements, those patterns come from
2:57a deeper level of emotional need. So our
3:01emotions drive every single behavior,
3:05action, and decision we make in the
3:08workplace. It's scientific actually, by
3:10the way. It's not something I made up.
3:12It's actually true that intrinsically we
3:15are motivated and driven by our
3:18emotions. So although we may think that
3:22we need facts to resolve a conflict,
3:25that is actually a myth. We need to
3:28understand what are the emotions that
3:32are driving us to make the decisions
3:34that we do in the workplace. And only by
3:37addressing our emotions can we actually
3:40understand logic. Now, one more thing
3:42I'll add before we go to the second myth
3:44is we have a part of the brain called
3:46the amygdala. So take your right hand
3:49and place it behind your head. Okay, now
3:52we're gonna dance. Just kidding. Just
3:53kidding. And dance. Okay. So this part
3:56of the brain is where the amygdala is.
3:58Okay. Now take your right hand and place
4:00it to the front. This is called the
4:02preffrontal cortex. When we are
4:05disconnected in a conflict, the amygdala
4:08gets triggered. Like if you were in a
4:10physical situation and you got scared
4:12like a lion's chasing you, the amydala
4:14also gets triggered. It responds the
4:16same way in conflict in a physical
4:19conflict as it does in an emotional
4:21conflict. When the amygdala gets
4:24triggered, it hijacks [snorts]
4:26the preffrontal cortex. Does anyone know
4:29what the preffrontal cortex is used for?
4:32Decision making, clear thinking,
4:36communicating,
4:37logic. So all of a sudden you have brain
4:40fog. You have not being able to respond
4:43to emails. you have not being able to be
4:45engaged in meetings in the workplace
4:48when your amygdala hijacks the
4:51preffrontal cortex. So this is why it's
4:53very important to focus on what are the
4:56underlying emotions that drive those
5:00decisions and those conflicts before we
5:02can get into the logic. Okay, next myth.
5:06So let's answer this question. Do you
5:09try to leave emotions out of the
5:12conflict resolution? Please respond to
5:15this question. Do you leave your
5:17emotions out of it? Go ahead and use the
5:21QR code. K. Yes. No. Excellent. So, we
5:26have more nos. Excellent. I'm just
5:29curious those people who put no, what
5:32what is your process in terms of not
5:34leaving emotions out of it? How do you
5:37deal with that? Anybody would like to
5:39share? Yes.
5:43You say you see
5:45>> say what you feel. So say what you feel.
5:49>> Oh, see
5:51>> say what you
5:52>> Oh, see say say what you see. Okay.
5:55Excellent. Okay. Anybody else?
6:01>> Acknowledge it. Yes. Very good. Well,
6:04that is very excellent because one of
6:06the myth that companies believe in is
6:10that you leave emotions out of it. They
6:12say like cool it down, don't get so hot.
6:15The problem is emotions are what drives
6:18our interaction. Just like Paulina was
6:20saying, emotions come from the word imu
6:23means to move. So emotions move us to
6:26action. Emotions move us to decision.
6:29Emotions move us to behavior. If I for
6:32example tell you uh what's your favorite
6:35ice cream chocolate or vanilla? If you
6:38don't use emotions to decide, you're
6:41actually going to say well let me think
6:43about it. Yeah, I think chocolate is
6:45good but maybe it's vanilla. So emotions
6:48actually is very important part of your
6:51decision making behavior interactions. I
6:54like to use an analogy of a dance. Every
6:57time you interact with other people, you
6:59like inviting them to the dance floor.
7:01And emotion is the music of the dance.
7:04If you feel connected and emotionally
7:07safe, you will interact with the people.
7:09You will engage. You will collaborate.
7:11But if you don't feel safe or
7:13emotionally connected, you will be on
7:16guard. You will constantly protect
7:18yourself. So emotions play a huge role
7:21in how we deal with conflict. So back to
7:25you. Do you believe conflicts are caused
7:27by difficult people? I think you're all
7:29cottoning on to the myths here
7:32[laughter]
7:34saying no. Few yeses. So typically in
7:37the workplace what happens if there's
7:39conflict if there's behavior that we
7:41don't like that we maybe label as
7:42inappropriate and very often somebody is
7:45singled out as the person who is the
7:47difficult person on the team. They're
7:49difficult to manage maybe and they're
7:51sent to HR, aren't they? That's what
7:53lands on HR desk. And so we change that
7:56approach. It's not about blame. If
7:58there's blame, there's no safety. And so
8:00we blame instead the negative cycle that
8:03is happening. So where we're seeing what
8:06you might label as bad behavior, that's
8:08an indication that there's something
8:10going on for that person. And we look a
8:12layer deeper to the emotional layer.
8:14What's driving that behavior? It's an
8:16indication that they feel maybe
8:18dismissed, maybe disconnected, maybe
8:21isolated or lonely. They're not feeling
8:23safe. they're not feeling secure,
8:24they're not feeling connected. So, we
8:26look at where is the disconnection and
8:29support the team to repair the
8:32connection so that everybody feels safe
8:34to be themselves again. So, when we're
8:37caught up in negative cycles where we
8:39feel disconnected, of course, we get
8:41triggered. We have an emotional reaction
8:43that drives behavior and then that
8:45behavior is not always liked in the
8:46workplace. We label it as protective
8:48behavior because we're all going to
8:50protect ourselves when we feel unsafe.
8:52whether you're facing a lion or whether
8:54you're facing your manager, if you feel
8:55unsafe, you kind of are going to have a
8:57similar reaction. So, as the negative
8:59cycle intensifies, then you usually get
9:03an escalation in behavior. But again,
9:05instead of punishing the person for the
9:07behavior, we look to what's happening
9:09underneath. It's a protective behavior.
9:12So, people rarely act difficult just to
9:15be difficult. They're not trying to be
9:17difficult. None of us want to be
9:18difficult. We might feel unseen,
9:21unheard, not valued, not appreciated.
9:24There's a disconnection.
9:25>> Next question. Do you look for a
9:28compromise as a successful resolution to
9:32a conflict? Okay, very good. Thank you
9:35very much. Well, it's very logical for
9:38us to find a compromise when we in
9:42conflict. The problem is when their
9:44preffrontal cortex is hijacked by
9:47emotions, it's very difficult to find a
9:50compromise. People are not open to look
9:53for ideas, to explore ideas, to
9:57understand ideas, to be open, to be
10:00flexible. They are becoming very rigid
10:04in their view. And this is the only way
10:07and that's how it is going to be. So
10:09when people are disconnected, the
10:11amygdala hijacks the prefrontal cortex.
10:14We cannot really resolve. People might
10:17agree to a resolution, but internally
10:20they still feel very hurt and very
10:22disconnected and very offbalance. So
10:25they will use guard and protection
10:29anytime they communicate with you. So
10:31that's a very important point is that
10:34compromise without emotional connection
10:38is a temporary fix. It does not last
10:42until the next conflict comes up. So
10:44it's very important for us to learn how
10:47to repair the connection. So you and I,
10:50we can feel that we matter to each
10:53other. We care about each other. And
10:55that's how the emotional safety comes
10:57back to us and where we feel okay now we
11:01can resolve conflict. So strong
11:03resilient teams learn how to recognize
11:07these emotional ruptures that people
11:09have and how to repair them in a safe
11:12and professional way. Okay, this last
11:14one is do you believe independence is a
11:17leadership strength? How many times have
11:19you heard that? Oh yes, I love someone
11:22who's independent. Yes. Also in your
11:26personal life probably. Oo, I want to be
11:28with someone that's independent.
11:30Actually, this is the least effective
11:34way to work as a team is to be
11:38independent. That's probably messing
11:40with you just a little and that's my
11:42point. So what happens is we are wired
11:45as humans to be connected. We actually
11:48cannot survive independently.
11:52So there has been study after study that
11:55has showed our inability to survive in
11:58this world when we are alone and that is
12:01actually our fear our very very deepest
12:04fear to the core of our being. We are
12:07unable to survive as a human species if
12:10we are alone. So we're not looking to be
12:14codependent which is maybe a common word
12:17that you've heard. What we want is
12:18what's called a secure dependency on
12:21each other as a team, knowing that we're
12:24going to be there for each other no
12:26matter what. And oftentimes we miss that
12:29point in the workplace. We often think
12:32that independence is the strength where
12:34it's a securely attached dependence on
12:37each other that is the strength. So the
12:40reality for being hardwired and
12:43connected with your team is because we
12:46depend on each other. In fact, when we
12:48were speaking yesterday at the session,
12:50we talked about the way that our
12:53managers and our boss, they're like a
12:55dependent attachment figure to us at our
12:58work. So we do care about them and what
13:01they think of us and how they feel. Even
13:03though maybe we don't necessarily
13:05recognize it, we do care about that. And
13:08when we have a disconnection on an
13:10emotional level, it affects the way that
13:13we perform. It affects the way that we
13:15show up as a team. So we want to shift
13:19your perspective. Instead of thinking
13:21that independence is a strength and what
13:24we want, we actually want the ability to
13:26have a securely attached relationship
13:30with the people that we work with. And
13:31so this is what the EMC process is all
13:34about. And this is where we've learned
13:35to understand why these myths are so
13:38prominent in the workplace. You can
13:41download the bring your emotions to work
13:43for free. You scan the QR code and it's
13:46an excellent guide that goes over
13:49exactly how to use your emotions to your
13:53advantage and to also understand what is
13:58happening with you so you can be in a
14:00thriving environment in the workplace.
14:02And then the other thing that we have
14:03here is what's called a team emotional
14:05safety assessment. So if you are not
14:08sure what does it even mean to be
14:10emotionally safe, you can take this
14:12assessment and to understand whether you
14:14feel safe at work and if you have a team
14:17that you work with, they could all take
14:19the assessment including your boss and
14:21you can see how they feel safe with
14:23their boss or not or maybe how your team
14:26feels safe with you. And then we also
14:28have our books. Of course, they're
14:30located in the bookstore. Dr. Lola's
14:33developed this and although it is a very
14:35unique approach, we have a duplicatable
14:38system that you can use to repair all
14:41your conflicts at work. So, if you feel
14:44stuck, if you feel overwhelmed, if you
14:47feel like you don't know how to move
14:49forward in the relationships that you
14:52have at work, in the situations and the
14:54conflicts, then this is the process that
14:56will get you unstuck. We have a few
14:59minutes for question. We will have the
15:01microphone come to you. If you have any
15:03questions, please raise your hand and we
15:05will come to you to about conflicts. We
15:09love conflicts. We are here to help you
15:11to resolve conflicts. So, I really
15:13relate to this, but I'm thinking of
15:16other people I work with where a leader
15:18may be like, "No, we're not going to
15:21talk about emotions. That's not
15:22necessary." And they may be hesitant on
15:25learning something like this. What would
15:27you suggest?
15:28>> Well, it is correct. Uh many leaders uh
15:31do not maybe feel comfortable or
15:33incompetent or get overwhelmed. And what
15:35we suggest we recognize, we meet where
15:38people are. And when that other teams
15:40actually practice and train on this, the
15:43leaders starts to recognize how
15:45important it is because they start to
15:46feel safe. They start to see a
15:48difference. One of the companies I
15:50worked with, the commercial team,
15:51learned this process and then the
15:53manufacturing team said, "Wow, they
15:55changed. They're much more accessible.
15:57They're much more responsive. They're
15:59much more engaged. We want to learn what
16:01you taught them. And then there was a
16:03manufacturing team and R&D team. So
16:05people start to notice because we are
16:08wired for connection. Even that leader
16:10who says, "No, I don't want to talk
16:11about emotions." They have emotions.
16:13Okay? They are human beings and they
16:16seek connection. So it's very important
16:18to recognize yes, it's uncomfortable and
16:21yes, they seek connection as well. Any
16:24other questions? Yes, thank you. What
16:27would you say if you have a team where
16:31there are conflicting personalities and
16:34styles, but you don't have someone in
16:38authority to help work through this? So,
16:42what would you suggest you do from like
16:44the team up rather than from the leader
16:46down?
16:47>> Uh, that's excellent questions. Many
16:49times this happens. In fact, I was on a
16:51board where we had lots of disconnection
16:54and conflicts on a board level and I was
16:56the junior board member. So, nobody
16:58would listen to me. But what I started
17:00to do is I started to recognize what's
17:03happening for me as a member and how to
17:05hold my balance so people can feel safe
17:08to talk to me. So you wait for the
17:10opportunity when people come to you and
17:13you recognize the patterns because we're
17:15not changing the people. We're not
17:16changing personalities. We are changing
17:18the pattern that gets you stuck in these
17:21conflicts. And the pattern, we talked
17:23about it yesterday that some people
17:25withdraw and some people becoming more
17:27aggressive. That is the pattern that
17:29happens. And so once you start to
17:31recognize you start to co-regulate
17:33people's emotions, you become the master
17:36trainer, you become the master dance
17:38instructor because you can start to
17:40manage your team completely different
17:43and you start to see the problems from a
17:45different perspective. We use attachment
17:47theory as a base as a foundation and you
17:50see all the problems from the attachment
17:53perspective. So you see when people are
17:55behaving aggressively you start to see
17:58that they are struggling for connection
18:00they are desperately trying to see
18:02connection. When you see people avoiding
18:04and disengaging you start to see they
18:06are being overwhelmed by emotions. So
18:09you start to create safety where you
18:11engage people from a different
18:13perspective. You can make a difference.
18:15Anybody can make a difference. Okay. I
18:17think we have a question for one more.
18:19All right.
18:19>> So, if you're in the middle of a
18:20conflict at work, whether it's it could
18:22be a leader, it could be a co-orker, a
18:24peer, is there one go-to phrase that you
18:27use to I would say soothe the savage
18:32beast and or just get a foot in the door
18:37of calmness.
18:38>> I love that question because I have five
18:40team members that I work with that I use
18:42this phrase on repeat. Number one is
18:44that must be very difficult for you or I
18:48get it. I hear you. Because when people
18:51are struggling, they get off balance and
18:54they don't want a solution. They think
18:56they do, but they don't. They want just
18:58the space to feel heard, understood, and
19:01seen. So, if we just give that space,
19:04even if it's a I hear you, that must be
19:06very difficult for you. That already
19:08deescalates emotions very quickly, you
19:11deesplain, just like Dr. Lilis said, you
19:13co-regulate. then you are able to
19:15approach them in a different way cuz
19:17they've settled those you know those
19:20fired up emotions. So I would say or
19:22your feelings are valid. Like if they're
19:24like oh my god I whatever complaining,
19:27judging, criticizing, blaming, shaming,
19:29which is what most people do to express
19:31themselves, you could say like that must
19:33be very difficult for you. And I just
19:34hit repeat and I say it over and over
19:36again. I get it. Thank you for sharing.
19:38That must be very difficult for you. I
19:40understand that must be very difficult
19:41for you.
19:42>> Emotions happen so fast as well that we
19:45got to slow things down. So that gives
19:48them an opportunity to kind of calm and
19:50process once they feel heard and
19:52validated.
19:53>> Thank you so much. You've been great and
19:56uh we appreciate you being here. Thank
19:58you so much. We're here to answer any
20:01questions. Okay. Thank you.
20:03>> I love the energy of the presentation,
20:06but especially the content.
20:09>> [music]
20:09>> um talking about bringing emotions to
20:11work instead of avoiding them and using
20:13them to actually decrease conflict.
20:17[music] Um so that was a big takeaway
20:19for me. Um, what I love about all
20:21[music] of the trainings that I've
20:22gotten experienced by EMC is that all
20:25three of the women are highly
20:27knowledgeable, deeply passionate,
20:29emotionally intuitive, and emotionally
20:32intelligent people who have the [music]
20:34ability to speak to the heart of what's
20:36going on so that we can walk away with
20:38applicable tools.
20:39>> Definitely going to look at the book,
20:41look at the assessment, [music] and
20:42possibly connecting with her to set
20:44something up to come and visit. I highly
20:47encourage you [music] to bring them into
20:49your teams and different workg
20:51groupoups. If you want training that's
20:53going to absolutely change behavior and
20:56[music] leave people excited and
20:58encouraged because it's doable, I would
21:01recommend EMC.

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