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Stop Trying to "Heal" Your Trauma — Transcript

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0:00But the thing about core trauma is that
0:02it is not damage to yourself. It is not
0:05something that breaks within you. It is
0:07the way that you form. So people will
0:10give you all kinds of advice like just
0:12put yourself out there and go to therapy
0:14and like you know heal from your trauma
0:16and be kind to yourself. Be
0:18self-compassionate. But that doesn't
0:20work if you've got core trauma because
0:22you can't go back in time and change
0:24things. So what can you do?
0:26>> Hi Dr. K. I was abandoned at birth and
0:30have problems with my adoptive parents.
0:32My adoptive mother says that my adoption
0:34was a mistake and that it would have
0:36been better if I died in an orphanage. I
0:40feel that these events still affect my
0:42life in many ways and I'm trying to fix
0:44this including with the help of my
0:46therapist. In stressful situations, I
0:49feel broken and unwanted. I feel no
0:51inner strength. Any criticism throws me
0:54off balance. In the most difficult
0:56periods, I am flooded with helplessness.
0:59I cannot speak speak or act. And with
1:02all this, I can't sympathize with myself
1:05and feel sorry for myself. When I try to
1:08imagine the time when I was abandoned, I
1:10get only slight whispers of pain. And
1:12then I lose a sense of my body and
1:14feelings. And the only things that is
1:17left is a paralyzing fear that if I
1:19continue to dig, I'll face immense
1:22amount of pain. The therapist says that
1:25being abandoned at birth is the reason
1:27for all this. But I don't understand at
1:30all what can be done about this trauma
1:32if I don't remember these events. Uh I
1:36can't go back to a time before the
1:37trauma. So my question is what can I do
1:41about this trauma without having a
1:42memory of the event?
1:45>> Okay,
1:46this is this is um incredibly hard to
1:49deal with. So, let's kind of go over a
1:52couple of the features that I think are
1:54really, really, really important here.
1:55So, first we have the case of someone
1:58who was abandoned at birth, someone who
2:00was adopted, and the adoptive parents
2:04said you were better off dead. Okay? So,
2:07like this is brutal. So, then what
2:10happens is like not only is there this
2:13problem, but then like this person So, I
2:15I want y'all to like understand this.
2:17Okay? So, these are like events. These
2:19are bad events. But then these events
2:22create a human being, a human being who
2:25has been conditioned, right, to any time
2:28they encounter criticism, they feel
2:31helpless. They are unable to think or
2:34act and they are unable to do things
2:36that we would normally expect humans to
2:39do like be able to sympathize with
2:41themselves, be able to feel pity for
2:43themselves. And then anytime they try to
2:45explore, they get this very very like
2:48slight whisper of a feeling and then
2:49they like sort of lose sense of their
2:51body. They essentially dissociate and
2:53they're saying like I can't even recall
2:55the trauma because it happened so young.
2:57So this is what I would kind of call I
2:59don't know if this kind of makes sense.
3:01I would call this core trauma. And what
3:03do I mean by that? So as a psychiatrist
3:05sometimes we'll work with people who
3:06have something called PTSD. So this is
3:09post-traumatic stress disorder. And
3:10post-traumatic stress disorder is when
3:12you have a human being who forms
3:15normally, right? So you have a nervous
3:17system, a cognitive system, an emotional
3:21system, um a internal dialogue that is
3:25generally speaking healthy and then what
3:27happens is you have a traumatic event
3:30which triggers neuroplasticity.
3:34So anytime we learn something, we are
3:37like the hippocampus is the only one of
3:39the only places in the brain that
3:41continues to have neurogenesis. That's
3:43where we learn and we form memories and
3:45things like that. But we have a wiring
3:48which then gets altered. But the thing
3:50about something like PTSD, it is a is
3:52that it is an alteration of a
3:55pre-existing wiring that is relatively
3:58healthy. There's there's several
4:00patients that I've worked with that I
4:02would say that I I would call it core
4:03trauma. So CPTtsd is a good example of
4:07this, but I think it kind of CPTtsd is a
4:11particular kind of what I would call
4:14core trauma. And here's what how I would
4:16define core trauma. Core trauma is not
4:19even trauma, right? So trauma implies
4:21like if if I say that I have been
4:23traumatized, there is an object which
4:25gets damaged. But the thing about core
4:27trauma is that it is not damage to
4:30yourself. It is not something that
4:32breaks within you. It is the way that
4:34you form. Right? So if I like make a
4:38statue and then I take a hammer and I
4:41break off a part of the statue and the
4:43statue looks like a normal human being
4:45and I knock off an arm, that is a trauma
4:48done to an object that is formed in a
4:50healthy way. The problem with core
4:52trauma is that when I pour the concrete,
4:55it forms in a particular way that is
4:59like not ideal I would say and there are
5:01a lot of things about this that are kind
5:03of like confusing to people but this is
5:05the way that you are baked. It is baked
5:07within you. This is why when we look at
5:10like you know trauma early on in life it
5:12doesn't necessarily form PTSD. In fact
5:15it all it rarely forms PTSD most of the
5:18time. What trauma does early in life is
5:21leads us to personality disorders. Hey
5:23y'all, if you're interested in applying
5:25some of the principles that we share to
5:26actually create change in your life,
5:28check out Dr. K's guide to mental
5:30health. And so we start by understanding
5:31what literally is meditation. How does
5:34experience shape us as human beings? How
5:37do we strengthen the mind itself as an
5:40organ? And so by understanding our mind,
5:42we understand a very very simple tool, a
5:45crucial tool that we have to learn how
5:47to use if we want to build the life that
5:49we want to. So check out the link in the
5:50bio and start your journey today, right?
5:52And what is a personality disorder? So
5:54let's talk about this. Okay? We're going
5:56to be a bit technical cuz we got to be
5:58technical here. I want y'all to
5:59understand like this is like definitions
6:01become important. Okay? So remember that
6:04with trauma what's going on is like I
6:06get damaged over here but the the core
6:09of me is still intact. In core trauma
6:11what tends to happen is while I am
6:13forming I'm formed in different ways.
6:15And when people are traumatized when
6:17they grow up they usually don't get they
6:19they don't get they they don't develop
6:21PTSD. What they develop is often
6:24personality disorders. Now that begs the
6:26question what is a personality? Like
6:29what is a personality? Let's be
6:30technical about it. Let's be precise. A
6:33personality is the way that you
6:34perceive, react internally and behave in
6:39a situation. So for example, this is
6:42simple. Okay? So let's say I take person
6:44A and person B and both of them go into
6:47a job interview where the interviewer is
6:51disrespectful, right? the circumstances
6:53that you're in are identical in both of
6:55these situations, but the way that one
6:57person perceives that disrespect and
7:00then one person has NPD, narcissistic
7:02personality disorder, and one person
7:05has, let's just say, secure attachment.
7:08So, even though this situation is
7:12identical, one person, the NPD person
7:15will think, "Oh my god, this person is
7:17trying to be mean. They're an
7:21They think I'm pathetic. They're trying
7:23to make me feel bad. And if y'all have
7:26like make me feel bad is a great example
7:28of how like wild the perceptions of
7:31people with NPD are. So, if you're like
7:34a normal human being
7:37and you deal with narcissists, what
7:39you'll find is like you'll do a
7:41completely ordinary thing. Like you'll
7:43do something stupid, like crazy, like,
7:46"Oh, I went to a birthday party and I
7:48got a nice gift for my friend whose
7:51birthday it is." And the person with
7:52narcissistic personality disorder will
7:54come to you and they'll say, "Why are
7:55you making me look bad? You got them
7:57such an extravagant gift. I got them a
7:59less extravagant gift. Why are you
8:01making me look bad?" They perceive your
8:04actions in a polluted way. If you're
8:07securely attached and someone is mean to
8:09you in a job interview, maybe you think,
8:12"Man, maybe they're having a bad day."
8:15Like maybe this person is just having a
8:17rough day. Holy crap. The way you
8:20perceive the world changes. And then
8:22this will lead to a a variety of
8:24internal reactions. Let's have some
8:27compassion. Let's get angry and try to
8:31be insulting towards them. And then this
8:33leads to behavior. Actually, let's call
8:35it an insult. The behavior. Now, I'm
8:37going to insult them back and I'm going
8:39to ask how was your day. So, this is
8:42what personality is. It is the way that
8:44you perceive the world, the way that you
8:46react to what the world sends your way
8:48in the way that you respond to it,
8:50right? Your internal reactions. So, the
8:52problem with core trauma is that this is
8:54fundamentally altered. So this is not
8:56like a problem with one part of you.
9:00This fundamentally changes the way that
9:04you perceive the world. And we sort of
9:06hear this, right? So I'm going to go and
9:08play this again. And I want y'all to
9:10listen to the way that this person
9:12perceives, reacts, and behaves in the
9:15world. We're going to listen to the
9:17voicemail again. And this is the hard
9:18part. Okay? So it's so easy to get
9:21caught up in how terrible these
9:23circumstances were. But if we want to
9:24help someone like this, if we want to
9:26understand this, we have to pay
9:28attention to this.
9:29>> Dr. K, I was abandoned at birth and have
9:32problems with my adoptive parents.
9:34>> Sad.
9:34>> My adoptive mother says that my adoption
9:36was a mistake. That it would have been
9:39better if I died in an orphanage. S
9:41>> I feel that these events still affect my
9:44life in many ways and I'm trying to
9:46>> Let's stop right there in many ways.
9:49Right. So this person's architecture of
9:52the way that they perceive the world. So
9:54that's why it's going to not affect in
9:56many ways, it's going to affect if you
9:57have core trauma, it's going to affect
9:59every dimension of your life. And let's
10:01look at what those are.
10:01>> This including with the help of my
10:03therapist in stressful situations, I
10:06feel broken and unwanted. I
10:07>> Okay, so now let's break this down.
10:11Stressful situation, right?
10:17stressful situation.
10:22Let's say if you're healthy, you respond
10:23to stress.
10:26What's the internal reaction? Feel
10:28broken.
10:29It's not even that you've made a
10:31mistake. You haven't even screwed up
10:33yet. But you start by feeling broken.
10:35>> Feel no inner strength.
10:38>> No inner strength.
10:42Okay.
10:44Any criticism throws me off balance.
10:47>> Right. So, so this is also like
10:49criticism throws you off balance.
10:52>> In the most difficult periods I am
10:54flooded with helplessness. I cannot
10:56speak speak or act and with all this I
11:00can't sympathize with
11:02>> okay so then this leads to inaction
11:05which is a form of action by the way. So
11:08I don't know if this makes sense.
11:10Freezing, holding still is an act,
11:14right? So when I'm an animal and there
11:16is like let's say like I'm a gerbble and
11:18there's a snake nearby, I'm going to
11:21freeze. That's actually an action. So
11:23freezing is an action.
11:25>> myself and feel sorry for myself.
11:27>> Can't feel sorry for yourself. Okay.
11:28When I try to imagine the time when I
11:31was abandoned, I get only slight
11:32whispers of pain. And then I lose a
11:35sense of my body and feelings and the
11:37only things that is left is a paralyzing
11:39fear that if I continue to dig, I'll
11:42face immense amount of pain. The
11:45therapist says that being abandoned at
11:48birth is the reason for all this. But I
11:51don't understand at all what can be done
11:53about this trauma if I don't remember
11:55these events. Uh, I can't go back to a
11:58time before the trauma. So, my question
12:00is, what can I do about this?
12:03>> Okay, great. What can you do about the
12:04trauma? So, we're going to talk about
12:06it. Okay. Ah, okay.
12:08So, this sounds really bad, right? And
12:11let's be honest, it is. But there's a
12:13lot that can be done. And if we want to
12:15do if we want to do the right thing, we
12:16have to understand like what's going on,
12:19right? So, this is where like the
12:20simplistic explanation of, you know,
12:21when the therapist says this is all due
12:23to your trauma, they're 100% right. And
12:26that feels really insufficient because
12:28you can't go back in time and change
12:30things. So what can you do? So what we
12:33want to do is first of all understand
12:35the architecture that we live with and
12:39then we need to start modifying that
12:41architecture in a very like intentional
12:44way. Okay. So there's a lot of stuff
12:46here that this person says that they
12:48feel bad about like or that that they a
12:50lot of reactions that they have which we
12:52may rebel against. I do not think that
12:54is a good idea. So this person says, "I
12:57can't be sympathetic towards myself."
12:59And you shouldn't be. I know it sounds
13:01wild. Okay? You shouldn't be sympathetic
13:03towards yourself. If you have a fear
13:05that there is something deep down there
13:08and and you there's a ton of pain, you
13:10are right. You are correct. So I think
13:13one of the biggest mistakes that we make
13:14when we have core trauma is that we
13:17start to
13:19assume that our path forward is using
13:22the solutions for people who have a
13:24healthy personality organization. So
13:28feeling sorry for yourself is really
13:30only something that works when you're
13:33like a healthy human being. And this is
13:35what makes core trauma so hard is if we
13:37look at the way that a lot of trauma is
13:40healed, it is healed through new
13:42experiences. Right? So if I have an
13:44anxious attachment style, one of the
13:47ways that I can heal that is through
13:48having a relationship with a secure
13:50attachment style. If I have core trauma,
13:53one of the best ways that I can heal
13:55that is by engaging with people who do
13:58not treat me like crap. And as I get new
14:02data, as my brain continues to learn
14:04over and over and over again, hey,
14:06people like me, people like this is not
14:08so like, you know, I'm a decent human
14:10being. People are treating me well. The
14:12problem though is that here's the like
14:14what's makes it this so hard to deal
14:16with is that when you move out into the
14:18world, your attempts to engage in
14:22healthy behaviors will run into your
14:27personality organization and your
14:29personal personality organization
14:32will interfere
14:35with the stuff actually healing you.
14:38Right? So this is what makes it so hard.
14:40So if we say like okay if I have anxious
14:42attachment style or avoidant attachment
14:43style what I need to heal is to have a
14:45relationship with a securely attached
14:47person. The problem is that when I get
14:49into a relationship with a securely
14:51attached person my attachment style will
14:54sabotage the relationship. So the way
14:56that I kind of view trauma is I'm
14:59walking into a room and I'm looking for
15:01an object but there's a light source
15:03behind me and everywhere I turn I cast
15:07my own shadow. So like even though I'm
15:09looking for something, there's light
15:11there. Oh, there's light over there.
15:12That's where the object is. As soon as I
15:13start moving towards it, I cast my own
15:16shadow and put things into darkness. So
15:18whatever direction I move in, I like
15:21basically my personality structure and
15:23organization makes it really hard for
15:26like me to succeed. So people will give
15:28you all kinds of advice like just put
15:30yourself out there and go to therapy and
15:32like you know heal from your trauma and
15:34be kind to yourself be
15:36self-compassionate but that doesn't work
15:38if you've got core trauma. You you
15:41sympathy doesn't do anything for you
15:44practically right and the reason it
15:46doesn't do anything for you the reason
15:48that you are wired this way is because
15:50you are wired for survival. So, I want
15:52you all to imagine when a child grows up
15:54in an environment where they're an
15:56orphan and their adoptive parents say
15:57that it was better off if you died
15:59instead of got adopted. How do you think
16:01that that child wires to survive, right?
16:05Sympathy doesn't get you anything.
16:08Inaction is actually protective. So,
16:11when mom or dad says, "Hey, you should
16:13have died at birth anyway." And you say,
16:15"No, I shouldn't." Or the child goes to
16:18school one day and and you know they do
16:21something really really well and a
16:22teacher says hey you did a great job
16:25child and the child goes home is proud
16:28shares their pride with their mother or
16:31father or whoever who's like a toxic
16:32and then toxic says you're
16:34never going to amount to anything. So
16:36how is this person forming? They're
16:39forming to be survivaloriented.
16:42That the smaller you are, the more you
16:44just exist and you exist in a corner,
16:47the less notice you attract, the less
16:50drive you demonstrate. Because
16:52demonstrating drive means like
16:56people will be aware around you, right?
16:58If you start doing something, people
16:59will be aware. And if they have a toxic
17:02attitude towards them, they're going to
17:03try to shut you down. This is why we
17:06have this response of feeling helpless
17:10right here. Right? The the paralysis,
17:12the inability to act or think. That is
17:15because acting or thinking helped you.
17:17It is it was your sorry inaction and not
17:20thinking helped you. And this is also
17:22where we get to dissociation. The moment
17:24that you encounter pain, I want you all
17:26to understand this is really important.
17:28There's this principle called
17:29hemispheric lateralization, which is
17:31what when the emotions in our right
17:33hemisphere get way too big, we cut off
17:37communication between the left
17:38hemisphere and the right hemisphere. We
17:40essentially emotions trigger
17:42dissociation. And this is like really
17:44important. Dissociation is probably
17:47happens to a certain degree in animals
17:49as well. So when you have an animal that
17:51is playing dead and trying to survive
17:53and what'll happen is predators so
17:56predators don't eat dead animals and the
17:58reason they don't eat dead animals is
17:59because dead animals are full of
18:01bacteria and rot. We only want to eat
18:03things that are freshly killed because
18:05lions on the Serengeti don't have access
18:07to refrigeration. So one of the best
18:09survival strategies for animals is to
18:11play dead. Now when you play dead, a
18:13lion knows on some primitive level you
18:15could be playing dead. So what does it
18:16do? It scratches you. It bites you. It
18:19tries to trigger a reflex. If it can
18:22inflict pain, then you will twitch. And
18:24if you twitch, I know you're alive.
18:25You're going to get eaten. So what
18:27happened is this is some fascinating
18:29research on catatonia about this where
18:32what the brain does to survive is
18:34triggers a dissociative response because
18:36if the emotions are too high, if the
18:38pain that we feel is like will trigger a
18:41reaction, what we actually want to do is
18:42shut down and freeze. So these are the
18:44responses that it triggers. So this is
18:46the problem is that you're wired for a
18:49particular goal which is to survive, not
18:52act, not build anything, not be healthy,
18:55not even care for yourself. That's not
18:56the goal. The goal is survival. Now the
18:59problem with this is that once again
19:00once we try to fix this, things won't
19:03work in the same way. Like being nice to
19:05yourself, self-compassion like doesn't
19:07work. Like you're not worth being
19:09compassionate towards. You don't even
19:11know what compassion really feels like.
19:12You don't know what it feels like to
19:14receive compassion. you don't know what
19:15it feels like to give compassion. And
19:17that's not your fault. It's that if we
19:20sort of think about it, right? So, we
19:22know that there are some critical
19:23periods of development for things like
19:25language. So, if if a human infant
19:28doesn't get exposed to language by a
19:30particular time, it's going to be
19:32incredibly difficult for that child to
19:34ever learn how to talk. Now, the good
19:35news about a lot of this trauma stuff is
19:37that this is not permanent. So, you
19:39missed some of those key developmental
19:41milestones, which is going to make your
19:43life really hard. But it doesn't mean
19:45that you're screwed. It just means that
19:47the standard solutions that work for
19:50other people, like self-compassion,
19:52don't register for you because your
19:54brain doesn't know what it's like to
19:56feel compassion and it doesn't know what
19:58it's like to give compassion
20:01because you know how to give things by
20:03receiving them, right? So, now the
20:06question becomes, what do we do? And
20:08this is where what I see with people
20:09with core trauma is that they will try
20:11to move into the world, but as they try
20:14to move into the world, they sabotage
20:16their own efforts. And this is a good
20:18example. So this person says, "When I
20:21feel criticized, I feel broken in some
20:24way. When there's a stressful situation,
20:26I have no inner strength." No inner
20:28strength. This is important to
20:30understand. This isn't no inner
20:31strength. This is a nervous system that
20:34has wired you towards inaction. It is
20:36going to actually make you feel weak. It
20:39doesn't want to give you strength. It
20:40says when stressful, do nothing. This is
20:44our survival strategy. We become a
20:46turtle, right? So the turtle, like when
20:48a turtle gets attacked, it doesn't stick
20:50its flippers out, exert a lot of
20:52strength, and start like flapping its
20:54turtle flippers around. That's not what
20:56it does. That's not the right survival
20:58strategy. So this needs to be rewired.
21:01And the way that we're going to rewire
21:03that is really, really, really scary.
21:05But this is the axis that when I work
21:07with people who have core trauma, this
21:09is the axis that they usually really
21:11struggle with. But if I had to say in a
21:13nutshell, and if you guys, by the way,
21:15want a step-by-step process of how to do
21:17this, check out Dr. K's guide to trauma.
21:19I'll talk about it a little bit more.
21:21Okay? But good, bad, comfortable,
21:23uncomfortable. So, what I tend to find
21:26works incredibly well, basically like
21:28bird's eye view, is to move from this
21:31axis to this axis. People who are
21:34traumatized will pingpong between good
21:38or people with core trauma, let's say,
21:39and bad. So they try to move towards
21:42feeling good and away from feeling bad.
21:44Makes a lot of sense, right? So what we
21:46tend to find is that people who have a
21:47history of trauma are more prone to
21:49addictions
21:50will have more avoidance motivation.
21:55Now that may sound like a weird phrase
21:58because isn't avoidance the opposite of
22:00motivation? No. From a neuroscience
22:02perspective,
22:04you can be motivated to avoid things.
22:07And y'all understand this, right? We try
22:10really hard to a avoid things. We will
22:12go out of our way to avoid interactions
22:15with certain people, places, or all
22:18human beings. And often times what
22:20happens is when when you have an issue
22:22of core trauma and you don't feel good
22:23on the inside, you will try to feel
22:26good. So you'll go towards things like
22:29uh dopamine, drugs, video games. So
22:32we're trying to move away from bad into
22:35good, which makes perfect sense. But
22:36often times this gets us stuck.
22:40Now the next thing is what should we do?
22:43And this is where I think the axis that
22:45we want to move from is comfort to
22:49discomfort. And when I work with people
22:51with core trauma, what I find is that
22:54things that normal people find
22:58good
23:00is what makes you uncomfortable.
23:03So with core trauma, here's what
23:05happens. We have all these scripts. We
23:08have all these reflexes. Dissociation,
23:11helplessness, inaction,
23:14pushing you towards neutral, pushing you
23:16towards neutral, pushing you towards
23:18neutral. Because new what we know is
23:21safe. So here's the crazy thing. We look
23:23at this and we say, "Oh my god, this
23:24person there's so much pity. So much
23:26pity. So much pity, right? Abandoned at
23:29birth, adopted. You better off if you
23:31died rather than got adopted." Now I
23:34want y'all to think about this. If a
23:36human being can survive that, that's
23:39really hard to survive. This implies an
23:43endurance of 100. And so your safe zone
23:47is where you have an endurance of 100.
23:50Even though things are really, really
23:52hard and really, really bad, you know
23:54that you lived through it every single
23:56day. You leveled up so well with
24:00inaction with a sense of helplessness.
24:03These are familiar to you.
24:06And this is what's really crazy about
24:08human beings and animals in general.
24:11Life prefers that which it knows and can
24:16survive to that which is uncertain. The
24:20devil I know is way better than the
24:23devil I don't. Right? And that makes
24:25sense from a survival standpoint. Even
24:27if this is bad, if I if I know how to
24:30survive this, I'm going to take that
24:32every every time. And here's the other
24:35reason why people with trauma hate
24:38taking risks. hate putting themselves
24:41out there. So if I grow up in a world
24:44where my mom is bad and my dad is bad
24:49and I get bullied and that's bad. So
24:52this is bad, bad, bad.
24:55What do I imagine
24:58the rest of the world is like? When my
25:01core caregiving figures, when the people
25:03who are supposed to look out to me are
25:05people who treat me like crap, what do I
25:07imagine? What prediction am I going to
25:10make about the rest of the world? My
25:12original parents abandoned me. My
25:14adopted parents told me I'm better off
25:16dead. What do you think the rest of the
25:17world is like?
25:20Right. When you go to
25:23a sewer
25:25and your first three handfuls of sewage
25:29smell like
25:32are you going to keep looking for more?
25:35Of course not. This is why they do not
25:38have a fundamental belief that the world
25:41is a safe place. And if the if this is
25:44super dangerous, but I can survive this,
25:46I never want to leave. I never want to
25:49go out. It's not even worth it. Cuz who
25:51knows what kind of terrible things are
25:53out there. If my mom and dad think this
25:55badly about me, imagine what it's like
25:57if I ever find an enemy. If this is my
25:59family, what are enemies supposed to be
26:02like? This is terrible.
26:06Y'all get this? This is incredibly
26:08logical. And this person's therapist is
26:11right. All roots back to abandonment.
26:14But rooting back to abandonment doesn't
26:17explain the layers at which this exists.
26:20So there is a fear of the unknown. There
26:23is a tendency towards inaction. There is
26:26a suppression and dissociation of
26:29internal experience. And this person
26:32says this, right? They say that if I
26:33explore the trauma, there's going to be
26:34a ton of pain. What's the point to heal?
26:37I want y'all to understand this, okay?
26:39This is not about what the person says.
26:40This is about their brain. What
26:42experience does their brain have of
26:44healing? Healing is, if you've got core
26:47trauma, healing is something that
26:49happens to other people. How on earth is
26:53this brain supposed to value healing
26:56when it's never experienced it? When you
26:58get adopted, your parents are supposed
27:00to love you twice as much to compensate
27:03for the injury of adoption,
27:06from the injury of being given up. And
27:08when your parents hurt you way more,
27:11like what are you supposed to do? No
27:14wonder you don't have sympathy for
27:15yourself cuz you have no idea what that
27:17is. So, I think you've got to abandon
27:20all the things that work for other
27:22people. But there's one axis that you
27:24need to move towards. The core problem
27:26here is that you still need what we call
27:28emotionally corrective experiences.
27:31Your brain needs new data. It needs a
27:34data of like, oh, I can heal. Like
27:36here's a little bit of healing. Oh,
27:37cool. This is possible. It needs some
27:39degree of sympathy. Then you'll have
27:41sympathy for yourself if somebody else
27:42experes sympathy for you. Right? If you
27:46want to stop suppressing and
27:47dissociating, you have to do one of two
27:49things. Experience the fire and survive.
27:55or experience something good on the
27:57inside. And since we dissociate, we turn
28:00down the volume on everything, which
28:02makes it really hard to have good
28:03experiences, which makes it really good
28:05to have really winning emotional
28:07experiences. We can have dopamineergic
28:09experiences. Nucleiocumbent is
28:11completely intact. That's why we
28:14gravitate towards addiction instead of
28:16fulfillment.
28:18So what do you do?
28:20Move towards discomfort. When I work
28:23with people with core trauma, oftentimes
28:25what happens is they'll have
28:27opportunities for corrective
28:28experiences. But the corrective
28:30experiences don't feel bad, they feel
28:32really uncomfortable.
28:35When someone tells you that they love
28:37you, you feel uncomfortable.
28:41When someone tells you that you're doing
28:43a bad job, you feel bad, but you don't
28:46feel uncomfortable. You're comfortable
28:48with bad. That is the crux of the
28:51problem. and you are uncomfortable with
28:53good. This is the crux of the problem.
28:56And in order to have those corrective
28:58experiences from the rest of the world,
29:00what you need to do is have be able to
29:04move towards discomfort,
29:06survive discomfort. So this is where I I
29:09think that this is kind of like a mixed
29:11bag. But if you look at ashrams, so what
29:16you'll find is that if you look at like
29:18spiritual organizations, churches,
29:21cults,
29:23often times very wounded human beings
29:26come there and they find solace. Now,
29:29this is sort of a double-edged sword
29:30because when you look at these places
29:32like churches, religious places,
29:34meditation communes, cults, whatever,
29:37these places are rife for predators who
29:41can pray on abused individuals.
29:44But that is, I want to say, the
29:47exception rather than the rule. Most
29:50places, like if you go to a meditation
29:52center, when I go to ashrams and things
29:53like that, like most people there are
29:55not abusive.
29:57And what I like about some of these
29:59centers, like a meditation center for
30:01example, you got to be careful because
30:03the possibility of abuse is there and it
30:05attracts sociopaths who are looking for
30:07victims. So that's absolutely a very
30:09real risk.
30:11But there's something about a space
30:13where everyone is there and will
30:14basically be relatively accepting for
30:16your There's no like real goal,
30:19right? So there's not like a performance
30:21aspect. There's not like an exchange
30:23aspect. It's not about like friendships
30:25can sometimes be hard because you have
30:27to like you know like there's some
30:30degree of reciprocity and connection and
30:32that may be hard for you like a
30:33meditation center and this is what I've
30:35just seen you know I realize now many
30:38years later that a lot of traumatized
30:39people will come there and they'll find
30:41healing
30:42because you show up every day and then
30:45you like meditate for a while and people
30:47make small talk and this is really
30:48important. So if you have core trauma,
30:51one of the most healing things, the way
30:53to start healing, and this is going to
30:55be uncomfortable, is to have repetitive
30:58neutral experiences. And meditation
31:01centers are great at this. Doesn't have
31:03to be a meditation center. I think other
31:05kinds of hobbyoriented things can be
31:08really good, but those come with their
31:10own problems like politics and things
31:12like that.
31:14So, what you really want to seek out is
31:16experiences that make you uncomfortable,
31:18things that make you feel bewildered,
31:21things that make you feel unsafe, but
31:23are not unsafe. This is where it's
31:25really cool because if we listen to this
31:27person, they're having all of these
31:29reactions,
31:30but their mind says, "I should be
31:33sympathetic." So, your mind is still
31:35intact. Your mind will hopefully be able
31:38to to detect abuse, but recognize that
31:42what is good for you may feel
31:44uncomfortable and what is bad for you
31:46will feel comfortable. So, it's to move
31:49away from feeling good and bad to moving
31:52towards feeling comfortable and
31:53uncomfortable
31:55and that starts with usually neutral
31:58repeated experiences as best as you can
32:01find them. So join an art club, join a
32:04meditation center. This is what we also
32:07try to provide in therapy. So when you
32:09go and sit with a therapist, my goal if
32:12I'm a therapist of someone with trauma
32:13is the trauma is going to rear its ugly
32:15head. They're going to have fear of
32:16abandonment. Be neutral,
32:19compassionate, stable, neutral.
32:23And as you engage in this kind of stuff,
32:26your patterns will start to melt away a
32:29little bit. Your cognitions will become
32:31not quite as severe. Your reactivity
32:34will start to reduce. As your reactivity
32:37starts to reduce, your motivation will
32:39increase.
32:41Because remember that your action is to
32:43be still, is to freeze. And so, as our
32:46reaction decreases, our action starts to
32:50change. And we're no longer stuck being
32:52still. As I start to face those
32:54uncomfortable fears, that uncomfortable
32:57well of pain that is within you, and I
33:00tolerate that negativity a little bit,
33:02it becomes a little bit less scary. And
33:04the reason that this works is because in
33:07our cells, I really believe this, I
33:09don't think this is like scientifically,
33:11I can't give you all a source, but I
33:13think if we look at our like our our our
33:15human being at the level of the cell,
33:18the level of the cell wants to heal. The
33:21level of the cell has a fundamental
33:23repairerative mechanism. And that
33:25repairative mechanism when it comes to
33:26our amygdala, when it comes to our
33:28social circuitry, all of these things
33:30are striving towards something. That's
33:33how you know fundamentally when
33:35something feels good or feels bad,
33:37right? We have all of these internal
33:38signals of hunger and thirst to help us
33:42alleviate that, to feel love, to feel
33:45good about ourselves. Even though this
33:47is this person's experience, there's a
33:49part of their mind that says, "This is
33:51not right. I need to change this." How
33:53does that how do you even know? Because
33:54you don't even know what right is.
33:55You've never had an experience of it.
33:57That's because it's baked into your
33:59genetics. Last thing that I'll say
34:03is
34:04I built this trauma guide specifically
34:07to go through step by step of how how to
34:10do this process, how to rewire your
34:13physiology first to reduce your
34:16autonomic instability, right? So your
34:19nervous system is calm. That will alter
34:22your emotions because if your nervous
34:24system is calm, your emotions will
34:25change. If your emotions will change,
34:27your experiences start to change. If
34:29your experiences start to change, your
34:31cog uh emotions will alter your
34:33cognitions. Your cognitions will alter
34:35your experiences. Your experiences as
34:37those start to change will alter your
34:39identity. Your identity will alter your
34:41narrative. Those two things are linked.
34:43So from a stepby-step level, physiologic
34:46rewiring, emotional rewiring, rewiring
34:49of the brain, rewiring of the mind,
34:51rewiring of the identity, and that's how
34:53you heal at each of these steps. That's
34:56what's laid out in Dr. K's guide. And
34:58it's like hours and hours and hours of
35:00stuff because each of those things
35:02deserves its own like hour or more
35:07including exercises and stuff. But this
35:09is really common, right? Some people are
35:11just so messed up, but it's not really
35:14that they're messed up. It's that
35:16they've been they've adapted to survive
35:18in a particular level of circumstances.
35:20You're not screwed. And the challenge is
35:22that you've been altered on so many
35:24levels. fundamental cognition,
35:26physiology, the way that you react to
35:28things that it can feel overwhelming and
35:30people will say, "Put yourself out
35:32there, find love, go to therapy, heal,
35:35uncover all of your emotions." They'll
35:36tell you to do all these things, have
35:37compassion for yourself, but those
35:39things are going to be inaccessible to
35:40you, which is totally fine. You can get
35:43there, but you can't start from like a
35:45neurotypical kind of place. Make sense?
35:48Someone's saying like, "Yeah, put
35:50yourself out there is like how?"
35:51Exactly. Right. Right? So, putting
35:52yourself out there, it's about
35:54understanding that discomfort is the
35:56direction you need to go. It's not about
35:58just putting yourself out there. It is
36:00that discomfort makes you feel unsafe,
36:04but discomfort is where you will find
36:06the data that will alter the way that
36:09you see the world and the way that you
36:11live. Hey y'all, hope you enjoyed
36:12today's video. We talk about a bunch of
36:14topics like this on the channel, so be
36:16sure to subscribe for more. If you're
36:18already subscribed, GG and we'll see you
36:20in chat.
36:22[Music]

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