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Stop Rambling: The 3-2-1 Speaking Trick That Makes You Sound Like A CEO — Transcript

by BigDeal by Codie Sanchez · 5,145 words · 740 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00If you want better conversations,
0:01conversations where people actually
0:03listen to you, where you stop rambling,
0:05where you sound sharp, fast, decisive,
0:08then today's [music] episode is for you.
0:09Because I've realized something.
0:10Communication isn't a soft skill. It's a
0:12science. And scientists [music] can now
0:14tell you what makes someone magnetic and
0:17what makes [music] someone instantly
0:19forgettable. So, I'm going to give you a
0:20bunch of researchbacked,
0:22neurosciencebacked communication tools
0:24that I've realized almost all of the top
0:261% use, but nobody else talks about.
0:29This is how you change the way you speak
0:31in minutes, not years.
0:35Mindset shift number one. People mirror
0:38your micro behaviors in about 200
0:40milliseconds. Think like less than the
0:42blink of an eye. This is something
0:43called the neuroecho effect. And it's
0:45pretty wild. So neuroscientists at the
0:48University of Parma discovered that your
0:49brain has mirror neurons that fire
0:51within 200 milliseconds of watching
0:53someone else move or emote, which
0:55basically means people don't respond to
0:57what you say. They respond to the
0:58emotional signal you send before the
1:00words even happen. So if you speak
1:02intention, their nervous system tenses.
1:05If you speak more certainty, their
1:07nervous system calms. If you are
1:09scattered, they kind of mirror that
1:11scattered. If you speak grounded, they
1:13become more grounded. And this is the
1:15real reason that top speakers or the
1:17people that you look up to or the CEOs
1:19you look up to in the world, they look
1:21pretty calm when they speak because
1:23they're actually trying to regulate the
1:24room's nervous system without anyone
1:26noticing. You know, I remember when I
1:27walked into a room of a bunch of private
1:29equity guys. You can imagine a mahogany
1:31table, a bunch of guys in suits sitting
1:33around it. I'm the youngest person by
1:35far. I'm the only female. I know it's a
1:37stereotype, but it's what happened at
1:39that point. We were coming in to talk
1:40about my company and there was no chair
1:42for me. Nobody stood up. Nobody asked to
1:44pull up a chair. And uh they were sort
1:46of all arguing on top of each other,
1:48talking about things, ignoring me. And
1:50there's many ways I could have
1:51approached this conversation, but I
1:53walked in. Then I pulled up a chair and
1:55I just sat down quietly and I waited. I
1:58didn't try to speak over them. I didn't
2:00try to push through them. I just sat
2:02there like I had all the time in the
2:04world for them to figure out their small
2:05things. Because here's why. I made a
2:08promise to myself that I do not make
2:10myself small for small men. And I don't
2:14think you should do so either. You know,
2:16I've walked into PE meetings where
2:18everyone is talking over each other like
2:19caffeinated squirrels. I don't play that
2:22game. I sit quiet and within like 30 to
2:2690 seconds, the entire energy shifts
2:29back towards you because people mirror
2:31these micro behaviors faster than they
2:33actually process your words. They would
2:35never listen to me if I started piping
2:37in, if I stop started shouting, if I
2:39tried to get their attention and said,
2:41"Quietly, let the room come to you."
2:43Then there's this other thing that's
2:44fascinating about the brain and the way
2:46you communicate and that is that the
2:47brain is addicted to novelty, not logic.
2:50So they call this the orienting
2:51response. So if you want to instantly
2:53grab somebody's attention, you need to
2:55give them something unexpected, right?
2:57So there's a Russian neuroscientist that
2:59discovered this reflex. But anytime a
3:02brain encounters novelty, it diverts a
3:05lot of processing power to it. And so
3:07your brain is actually wired to
3:09prioritize surprise, curiosity, pattern
3:12breaks over logical information. That's
3:13how we get you on TikTok with these
3:15crazy clickbait little videos that
3:17happen, right? So the way you start a
3:19conversation matters more than the
3:20conversation itself, which is crazy. If
3:23you lead with something that disrupts
3:24the brain, that is surprising fact, a
3:26bold statement, a strange question. The
3:29brain literally has to pay attention and
3:31then it has to stick there for a second
3:33because it's actually manually
3:34processing it. sort of like a a car
3:36starting up a motor slowly. So, I want
3:39you to ask yourself, how many times do
3:40you worry about all the things that
3:41you're going to say to somebody, but not
3:43just what the first sentence is. Three,
3:45I think people judge your intelligence
3:47by clarity, not complexity. This took me
3:49a long time to realize. It's called the
3:50simplicity anchor. So, a study from the
3:53University of Munich found something
3:55really fascinating. When speakers use
3:56simple language, listeners rate them as
3:59smarter, more competent, more
4:01trustworthy. But when speakers use
4:03complicated or overly technical
4:05language, listeners assume they're
4:07hiding something insecure. Not as smart
4:10as they look. And I've seen this
4:11firsthand. When you go into an
4:13investment meeting, one of the first
4:15things you want to do is you want the
4:16other person to think that you're smart.
4:17You're asking for money from them. But
4:20immediately listen to it next time you
4:22get your spidey senses up on somebody
4:24because they start using words like
4:26cogent and I find this to be divisive
4:30instead of like that makes sense and I'm
4:32not sure everybody would agree with
4:33that. So if you want people to think
4:35you're smart the crazy part you got to
4:38stop trying to sound smart. Simplicity
4:40actually shows a new IQ signal. It shows
4:43a higher IQ signal. The other part about
4:45this that's true is that questions
4:47actually increase dopamine. So they call
4:49this the curiosity loop. Carnegie Melon
4:51scientists discovered that when you ask
4:53someone a question, especially an
4:55open-ended one, their brain releases
4:57dopamine, right? That's like the
4:58happiness drug. Dopamine makes people
5:01more alert, more engaged, and more
5:02curious. This is why questions pull
5:05people into conversations, not away from
5:07them. How many times have you been in a
5:09conversation with somebody and they're
5:10just talking about themselves and you
5:11want to die until like you can get a
5:13word in or potentially, I don't know,
5:14respond to something? That's why one of
5:16the most famous books of all time which
5:19is uh how to win friends and influence
5:20people by Dale Carnegie. The entire book
5:23you can skip it. The book goes like
5:25this. Shut up, listen more. People care
5:27more about what you know about them than
5:30what they know about you. So try opening
5:33next time with something like, hey, can
5:35I ask you something I've never asked
5:37before? Do you want to hear something
5:38strange? Can I test an idea on you? It's
5:41like, ooh, me? I'm so special. This is
5:45just for you and I. It's something
5:47unique. You know, I once closed a deal
5:49because I asked the seller what would
5:51make this sale feel like a relief
5:52instead of a risk. I could just tell he
5:55was like super tight. He didn't want to
5:56sell his business. I actually there's so
5:58many physical reactions people have. He
6:00had these little hives. It actually uh
6:02happens a lot on men. I've noticed when
6:04they're nervous, they'll break out in
6:05kind of red splotches on their neck. And
6:07I could just tell he was in a heightened
6:09state. He didn't really want to talk
6:10about his business financials. He was
6:12kind of scared that they were too messed
6:13up in order for me to want to buy this
6:15business. And so he was getting
6:16heightened and heightened and
6:17heightened. And even though I was trying
6:19to downregulate, I couldn't break him
6:21out of it. But I said instead, I just
6:23kind of leaned in quietly and was like,
6:25"Hey, what would make this sale feel
6:27like a relief instead of a risk?" And
6:30I'm quietly giving it to him. I'm
6:32leaning in, showing intent. I'm very
6:35focused on him. and his entire body
6:38changed because questions chemically
6:40shift conversations,
6:42especially if you pair it with the last
6:45video that we did. It's about
6:46communication and how to speak like a
6:47CEO because your voice literally changes
6:51other people's heart rates. This is
6:53called vocal entrainment. And this one
6:56also blew my mind. University College
6:58London found that humans subconsciously
7:01sync their heartbeats to the rhythm of a
7:04speaker's voice. vocal entrainment. So
7:07if you speak rushed, restless, stressed,
7:10heart rate is going to increase. They're
7:12going to feel stressed. If you speak
7:14steady, decisive, rhythmic, their heart
7:17rate calms. They feel safer. So your
7:20voice is not just communication. It's
7:21like a remote control for other people's
7:24physiology, other people's biology and
7:27makeup and how they feel in an instance.
7:29This is probably why I don't know if you
7:31guys have ever been to a yoga class
7:33where the yoga class is like a super
7:34fast high-pitched voice. Awful. Could be
7:37the best speaker in the world. But they
7:39have to speak. If you ever noticed, they
7:40speak in kind of this yoga tongue like
7:43and downward dog and then we're going to
7:45move into upward dog and then we're
7:48going to Why is that? They're trying to
7:49rhythmically control your breathing. And
7:52this rhythmic language sounds more true
7:55to people. The processing fluency effect
7:57is actually where a Princeton study
7:59found that statements that rhyme or
8:01follow rhythm are judged as more
8:03truthful. And what does this mean? It
8:05means if the brain can process a phrase
8:07quickly, it assumes it must be correct.
8:09See how these lines feel on you right
8:11now. Move slow to move fast. What you
8:14track grows back. You repeat what you
8:17don't repair. It's kind of like, doesn't
8:18that sound like deep wisdom? It's like
8:21you repeat what you don't repair. You're
8:23like, "Yeah, that is true. I've noticed
8:25that, right? Like even before the
8:27meaning is processed, it sounds like
8:29wisdom. And this rhythmic language in
8:31your language can be incredibly
8:34persuasive. And so, how would you use
8:36this in everyday life? Well, sometimes
8:38we call it talking in tweets. So, for
8:41the founders that we teach at Contrarian
8:43Thinking, half the time I'll say, "When
8:45was the last time you actually said
8:46those words out loud that you're
8:48speaking right now?" Like, have you ever
8:49read somebody's email? it's a founder
8:51when they're trying to sound smart and
8:52they're like to whom it may concern you
8:54know please find attached the subject
8:56matter of this email which is uh in
8:59regards to our conversation we had last
9:01week I'd like to follow up on shut up
9:03what that's not English instead think
9:06about how you could say more or what is
9:08called high signal with less words so
9:11high signal to noise ratio and that
9:13might be something like quick followup
9:17on the one important thing we talked
9:18about last week like how can you just be
9:21as concise as possible? And some of the
9:24most impactful people of our generation,
9:26there's a guy by the name of Naval
9:28Ravocant and he's basically known for
9:30having banger oneliners. Banger
9:32oneliners. If you can speak in
9:34oneliners, people will repeat your words
9:36back to you. The simpler it is, the more
9:38rhythmic it is, the more people will
9:40repeat your words back. If you can get
9:42people to repeat your words back to you,
9:43what happens? They follow you. They
9:45listen to you. They think that you are
9:46truthful because you literally put words
9:48in their mouth. If you want to get hyper
9:50tactical on this, there's something
9:52called the 321 trick. And I can't
9:54remember where I stole this from
9:55originally, but it's so good. And so I
9:57want to share it with you. The step one
10:00is pause 3 seconds. So when you are in a
10:04situation where you want to communicate
10:06aggressively, you want to be listened
10:08to, you are in one of those difficult
10:10conversations, I want you to pause for
10:11three seconds. This is actually going to
10:14activate part of your brain.
10:16Neuroscientists found that when you
10:17pause even briefly, your anterior
10:20singulate cortex activates, a fancy way
10:23of saying the part of your brain
10:24responsible for error detection and
10:27attention or lies. It comes to attention
10:30and the pause literally kind of clears
10:32your mental windshield, allows you to
10:34see what is true or not. So somebody
10:36says something you don't like, you're
10:37going to pause. One, two, three. Then
10:40you're going to do step two. Give only
10:42two points. This is called dual track
10:44working memory. the the brain really
10:46can't process too many things at once.
10:48So, it can usually process a verbal and
10:50a visual track. So, when you limit to
10:52two points, both tracks sync. And then,
10:56can you please repeat that point back to
10:58me? So, what am I doing? I'm putting my
11:00hand out there like pointing to a
11:01specific point. My uh movement is
11:04mimicking my communication and I'm
11:06giving them one thing to act on. Step
11:08three, end with one question. This is
11:10how you interrupt what's called the
11:11default mode network. So your brain has
11:13a default mode like the way that it runs
11:16every single day. It's it's why when you
11:18drive to the office, for instance, you
11:20ever like get to the office, you're
11:21like, "Oh, I for like I didn't even
11:22remember driving here." Right? That's
11:24daydreaming, wondering your default mode
11:26network. And questions shut that down
11:28instantly. It like immediately forces
11:30the brain to come into the present
11:31moment whether it wants to or not. And
11:33this is how you pull anyone back into
11:35the conversation, even if they were
11:36drifting. So let's say you really want
11:38somebody to pay attention to you. You're
11:40going to go, "Okay, here's the 321
11:41method. You're going to pause after they
11:43speak. 3 2 1. That is going to make them
11:47pay attention. They're like, "Oh, that's
11:48uncomfortable. What's happening here?"
11:50Two-step. I want to talk about this one
11:52point. Visual plus plus verbal cue. Last
11:56point. Do you understand what the goal
11:58is for this or can we talk about that
12:00one point together? Pulls them back into
12:02the conversation. Super easy trick for
12:04difficult important conversations. There
12:06are some tactical tools I think that we
12:08all should just have in our toolbox when
12:10it comes to communicating. And I wish
12:11they had taught this in school instead
12:12of like whatever we learned in marketing
12:15or communication or writing. You know,
12:18one of the things that's most important
12:20in speaking in this day and age where we
12:21have the shorter attention span than
12:23ever is speaking in sprints, not streams
12:25or what's called segmented speech
12:27processing. So MIT researchers found the
12:30brain processes information in chunks.
12:32Maybe you've heard this before, not like
12:34continuous. So after about 12 seconds of
12:37uninterrupted speech, listener attention
12:39goes falls to the ground. Tik Tok
12:42actually based its entire algorithm on
12:44this single idea that humans can only
12:46pay attention for 5 to 10 seconds. So
12:50why do you think the for you page is all
12:53built on these 5 to 10 second video
12:55hooks immediately? Because they read the
12:57MIT research about chunking. So what
13:00does that mean for us individually?
13:01Speak in 5 to 10 second sprints. This is
13:04so uncomfortable. Nobody does it and yet
13:06it works every single time. I want you
13:08to pause briefly,
13:13then continue after 5 to 10 seconds, and
13:15you're going to watch clarity skyrocket.
13:17Especially try doing this in a fight.
13:19It's a fascinating thing to do if you
13:21are fighting with your husband or wife
13:22or friend or partner or whoever. Do you
13:24ever feel like you can't get a word in?
13:26Like they're like going on and on and on
13:27and all you're doing is waiting until
13:29they're done talking so that you can get
13:31in there and do the same thing. I'm
13:32going to come right back and then you go
13:33on for as long as possible as possible.
13:35that it's like this Mexican standoff
13:37between the two of you just like
13:38monologuing each other until you shoot
13:40yourselves in the face. Not speaking
13:41from experience. And anyway, the way to
13:44get around that is to not do what every
13:48human wants to do, which is speak for a
13:49long time. It's to go, I really just
13:51wish you wouldn't raise your voice when
13:53we spoke less than 10 seconds. Shut up.
13:56Let them go on for 16 years. I really
13:59wish that during our next conversation,
14:01we could sit down and maybe have a glass
14:04of wine while we're talking about this.
14:07Shut up. Let them go on. At a certain
14:09point, the shortness of your responses
14:12allows the other person to actually hear
14:14you, and it's going to shorten theirs,
14:16too. Try it. Comment below. Let me know
14:18if it works for you. As you can see, I
14:20use a lot of hand gestures. They
14:22actually say you should gesture before
14:23you speak. This is called gesture
14:25priming. So, lots of studies on this,
14:28but the one I like the best is from UC
14:29Berkeley that found that gestures
14:31actually preede speech in the brain.
14:33What does that mean? Your hands help
14:35your brain form the thoughts. So, if you
14:38want to think clearly while you talk,
14:40move your hands first. Like, no dead
14:42hands. One of the most uncomfortable
14:45things that you can do actually in
14:47having a difficult conversation is to go
14:49from this, so hands in front of me
14:51talking to people to this, hands behind
14:54of me, not being able to see. Why? What
14:56does this immediately make you feel when
14:57my hands are behind me? Like what is she
14:58holding? What has she got back there?
15:01This my hands are hidden. Why? The
15:03reason why actually goes back to the
15:05caveman days, which is that if our hands
15:07are hidden, we could have a weapon in
15:08them. You know, Jan from HR could be
15:10like, ah, but that's probably not going
15:12to happen. And yet, that is still how
15:14our little lion brain works. And so, no
15:17more hidden hands, no more dead hands,
15:19no more limp hands. All of that screams
15:22that somebody could hurt you as opposed
15:24to, "Hey, open hands mean I want to
15:26communicate with you. Come here. Look
15:28how look how harmless I am." You just
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16:13other thing that I want you to ponder is
16:14like maybe you've noticed this in this
16:16uh little podcast rant that I'm doing
16:18today for you too is that stories stick
16:2022 times more than facts which is
16:22fascinating. The Stanford researcher
16:24found that people remember stories 22%
16:27more than statistics alone. Why? Because
16:31stories activate our sensory cortex, our
16:33motor cortex, and our limbic system.
16:36This is kind of like um if all neurons
16:38were firing at the same time. It's this
16:40neural coupling that lets the listener
16:43live your point rather than hear it. Do
16:45you know what I'm talking about? Like if
16:46I'm just like, "People remember stories
16:4922 times more." You're like, "Okay, I
16:51could remember that number 22%." Like
16:53that's my rational brain. I can process
16:55that. But if I said, "Your toddler
16:59will never touch the stove again." when
17:02you tell him the story about the first
17:04time you touched the stove, how much it
17:06hurt, the pain that he that you had in
17:09your hand, and uh the toddler then goes
17:12to touch it and you mimic the feeling of
17:14how much it hurt and you lick it and
17:15you're like, "Ah, this feels awful."
17:17Like, you're going to remember that
17:19story. So, remember, if you want to
17:21persuade somebody, even a toddler, tell
17:23them a story. Don't use a spreadsheet.
17:25Don't use numbers alone. And that goes
17:27to this idea of perceptual language,
17:29which is based on Cornell research. So
17:31what does perceptual language mean?
17:32Cornell studies show that people trust
17:34speakers more when they use language
17:35based on perception. Let me give you a
17:37bad example first. We must improve
17:40operational efficiency. What what does
17:42that even mean? I I don't fully
17:44understand. We need to see fewer steps.
17:47We need smoother handoffs. We need
17:49cleaner workflows. Your brain likes it
17:51when they can visualize it. You're like,
17:53"Okay, 10 steps, two steps. I can see."
17:56This is why often I like to be on a
17:59whiteboard when I am explaining complex
18:01topics. Why? If you were to explain a
18:04topic to me, I will say I am a visual
18:06learner. And really that saying, I am a
18:08visual learner. You're not. Everybody's
18:10a visual learner. Everybody learns more
18:12and retains more when they both see it
18:15and when they are actually able to
18:17visualize it as opposed to conceptualize
18:20it. So, you know, I remember one of the
18:23times that in our business, more than
18:24any other, we were stuck on a problem.
18:26And the problem in this particular
18:28instance was we couldn't figure out how
18:30we were going to buy this second company
18:32and integrate it, which is called
18:34mergers and acquisition, uh, post M&A
18:36integration. And the reason is because
18:38we had all of these people. So, you
18:40could kind of imagine like two org
18:41charts. They've got people everywhere on
18:43them. There's dozens of them. I'm like,
18:45does Jan go here? Does Bob go there?
18:47It's so overwhelming. And so we were
18:48talking through it and I realized the
18:50only difference we needed to do is we
18:52needed to color code on a whiteboard the
18:54roles that people had at the varying
18:56companies and see which one were
18:57duplicative. So a lesson that was taking
18:59us I don't know 45 minutes to talk
19:01through visually we figured out in 10
19:03minutes when we were talking through it
19:05verbally when we did it visually we did
19:08it in less than 10 minutes. And so any
19:10time that you can do what we call it
19:12contrarian thinking show don't tell.
19:15Next, I want you to think about
19:16replacing these words that I almost
19:18never want to hear from you again with
19:20two different ones. I want you to
19:21replace I think with I've observed. So,
19:24Columbia University said statements
19:27framed as observations are seen as 40%
19:30more credible than statements framed as
19:32opinions. I think is actually this like
19:35it's a low confidence signal. I think we
19:37should do that. Why? Just cuz you feel
19:39like it. I've observed. Well, that seems
19:42to tell me that there's data backed
19:44behind it. So, anywhere you can, you
19:46should do two things as a CEO and a
19:48strong communicator. One would be you
19:50should ask why someone thinks that we
19:52should do X, Y, or Z. And if you instead
19:56want to be the one influencing and say,
19:58I've observed, that's going to lend
19:59yourself more credibility. You can also
20:02use these things called temporal
20:03landmarks because behavioral economists
20:05found that time anchors drive action.
20:08So, you know how when you go to a a
20:10checkout like Black Friday, they'll say
20:12like, "Right now, today, in the past 10
20:15minutes, Barb from Iowa just bought this
20:18new shirt. So did Jan." Like time
20:20creates this momentum. For some reason,
20:22when we see somebody putting a limiter
20:24on it, a time limiter on it will move
20:26faster. You can also use the cognitive
20:28snap. So, this is my favorite thing to
20:31do ever at restaurants. Try it in New
20:34York City. I don't know why mo most
20:35people don't do this. It's so simple. I
20:38want you to use your server's name and
20:40one detail about them. Oh, Tori, is that
20:44your name? That's amazing. I love your
20:46haircut. Uh, I want to order XYZ. Hey,
20:49Tori, is that your name? That's great.
20:51Ah, where are you from? Like, it sounds
20:53like, are you from Australia? One
20:55specific detail. You can also do this in
20:57meetings. Hey, John, earlier you
20:59mentioned your team was stuck. Let me
21:01show you something. I'd love to get your
21:02opinion on this. This is called
21:04self-referencing. So, it's like you're
21:06you're being referential to them first,
21:10which makes their brain think, "I'm
21:12getting a compliment. I'm back in."
21:14Let's say you're talking to your husband
21:16and he's not paying attention to you at
21:17all and he's watching the game and he's
21:21really wishing you weren't talking to
21:22him about whatever you're talking to him
21:23at that moment. I [snorts] want you to
21:25try this. I want you to just say his
21:27name. Hey, John. Hey, yesterday you
21:29mentioned you wanted me to do this and
21:32see if he then draws back in. This is
21:34incredible in meetings as a pullback for
21:37attention. You can also do something
21:38really simple which in this day and age
21:41is not that normal, which is open your
21:42rib cage. This is called postural
21:45neuroendocrinology.
21:46There's a mouthful for you. But most of
21:49us this day and age have what's called a
21:51closed and a flared rib cage. It's from
21:53like typing like this too much and short
21:56breathing. So we kind of only breathe in
21:58our stomach. So when your rib cage is
22:00closed like this, it's going to actually
22:03increase your cortisol. So that's your
22:05stress and it's going to decrease your
22:07testosterone, which is like the
22:08aggressive uh energy that flows through
22:11us. So when you open your rib cage and
22:14you raise your arms, that basically
22:16allows you to have a what's called a
22:18calm dominance posture. And this is like
22:20real physiology. This isn't like a super
22:23man woman posing or anything like that.
22:25When you roll your shoulders back and
22:27you open up the ribs, one, you can have
22:29a stronger voice because your rib cage
22:31is opening, but also it signals to the
22:33other person that you're in a dominance
22:35position. And so you can try that next
22:37time you want to communicate more fully.
22:39I certainly uh believe in this more than
22:41the power posing. And like these small
22:43things are not meant to like manipulate
22:45somebody. This is meant for you to
22:47become a better communicator because I
22:49think that if we communicate better,
22:51then our lives get better. we transfer
22:53more trust and we get the things we want
22:55and often we help other people get the
22:57things they want too and so this
22:58shouldn't be something sneaky you're
23:00doing we're going to actually talk about
23:03taking turns and why that builds trust
23:04faster than agreement and so Harvard
23:07research shows you don't actually have
23:09to agree with somebody to build trust
23:12you just have to share roughly equal
23:14speaking time literally you can disagree
23:17with somebody intensely but just give
23:19them the floor and watch what happens If
23:22you allow somebody balance or equality,
23:26they feel it is just as good as
23:27agreement. And that is why often when
23:30you're sitting on a panel, like I've had
23:31to do a panel before on a news station
23:34where we were on different sides of a
23:36belief about capitalism and the economy.
23:38I tended to think it was good. The
23:40person next to me tended to think that
23:41socialism was better and that capitalism
23:43was not good. I could not have disagreed
23:45with this person more. Let me like get
23:46that straight. Like I from the bottom
23:48marrow of my bones, I disagreed with
23:50this human. I think they were wrong
23:52about almost everything they said on
23:54set. But I made a promise to myself in
23:55the beginning that I would make this
23:56unemotional and I wanted to give my
23:58argument. I wanted them to give theirs.
24:00And so all I did was speak and then
24:03allow them to speak just as long as I
24:05did. Now they piped in a few times to
24:08interrupt me. And what did I do? I
24:10actually allowed it. I allowed it calmly
24:13and then I just said, "You know what? I
24:15just gave you the full 2 minutes. I
24:16think it's reasonable for you to give it
24:18back to me. Would that be unreasonable?
24:20I also love using that would that be
24:22unreasonable as because it it's
24:24basically what are they going to say
24:25no that would be unre it's like you
24:27can't almost argue with it such a good
24:29trick question and lo and behold at the
24:31very end the guy comes up to me goes
24:33that was incredible I think we agreed
24:34about a lot I was like I literally don't
24:36think we could have agreed about less
24:37but he felt good because I allowed this
24:40equity in conversation and after you do
24:42that I want you to end with something
24:43called a cognitive close not a question
24:46so what does this mean people follow a
24:49recommendation ation 60%
24:51more often than an open-ended question.
24:54So, I don't want you to end with, "Let
24:56me know what you think." I want you to
24:59end with, "Here's what I recommend we do
25:01next. Here's what we should do next.
25:04Here's the next steps." That's even
25:06tighter. Here's the next steps. You're
25:08just asserting dominance that that is
25:09going to be what happens next. This is
25:11all leadership. And as you can tell,
25:13it's actually not that complex. There's
25:15a series of little trials we've done as
25:18humans over time to realize that
25:20communication is not a soft skill. It's
25:22not something that you were born with.
25:24It's not something that only some people
25:26have. When people say he's an excellent
25:28communicator, that just means he has
25:30more data, more reps, and maybe more of
25:32this research than you do. But now
25:34you're equally backed. Take three or
25:37five of these lessons, apply them to
25:39your life, and learn what it feels like
25:42to have other people lean in on every
25:44word that you say. Because the game of
25:47business and of money is really [music]
25:49just a game of communication.

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