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Stop Being 'Nice' & Start Controlling The Room — Transcript

by Better Life Mindset · 2,777 words · 421 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Everybody's calling everybody a
0:01narcissist. [music] It's like the thing.
0:02You don't agree with me, you're a
0:03narcissist. You said this to me, you're
0:05a narcissist. When you hear somebody
0:08using the repeated use of I I I I, a
0:10little bit of a red flag.
0:12>> [music]
0:12>> You want to be king or queen what you
0:14reading people? Shut up.
0:21>> How can someone understand what
0:23personality type is in front of them? Uh
0:25the family member or friend, someone
0:27they're meeting for the first time. Is
0:29there any strategies or techniques to
0:31learning the personality type of someone
0:33that you're meeting?
0:34>> So, this is a good question. I'm not
0:36familiar with this and I've not been
0:37taught this, but I've been taught
0:39another one with four personality types.
0:41>> are those?
0:41>> So, we're going to give them animal
0:43names. So, here's the thing. The
0:44researchers behind this are Dr. Emily
0:47Allison and Dr. N and Lawrence Lawrence
0:49Allison. They do a lot of research and
0:51they actually work very closely with the
0:53intelligence communities to include
0:55where I came from. So, I've done my
0:56training there.
0:57>> Okay.
0:57>> So, these are the four animal archetypes
0:59that they talk about. You can be lion,
1:01T-Rex, mouse, or monkey. Now, somebody
1:05who is lion is a person who likes to be
1:07in control. They want to set the agenda.
1:09Somebody who's T-Rex is someone who
1:12typically fights. They're very kind of
1:14frank, forthright. Sometimes they can
1:16come off a little bit blunt. They're
1:17fighters. Someone who is mouse is
1:20someone who who will suppress themselves
1:22a bit more. They're a little bit more
1:24submissive. They can be patient and
1:26humble humble, but they can also become
1:28avoidant. They can push themselves down
1:31to suppress themselves so they can fit
1:32in. Maybe they want to be really liked
1:34or something like that. And then the
1:35other personality personality type is
1:37monkey. It's like, "Hey everybody, I'm
1:39here. So good to see you. Come here.
1:41This and that."
1:42>> over the place.
1:42>> They're very warm, they're social,
1:44they're engaging. Now, those are the
1:46animal archetypes. We move through these
1:48because you're not one thing and you're
1:49different things with different people,
1:51by the way. Cuz you can be a very strong
1:53personality maybe at work, but then when
1:55you go home, let's say you have an
1:56abusive relationship or not healthy one,
1:58you can go from being a lion
2:00>> The mouse.
2:00>> to being mouse.
2:01>> Mhm.
2:02>> So you want to pay attention to that.
2:03Now there's also there's also good lion
2:06and good mouse. So there's a good wheel
2:07and a bad wheel. You can be both as a
2:09you can be this but be the bad version
2:11of it. So if I'm let's take I'm T-Rex. I
2:14know this, I surrender to it. I'm I
2:16intuitively
2:18>> You're fighter, you're fighter.
2:19>> to fight. If somebody says something to
2:21me, I intuitively want to fight back.
2:23But because I know this, I work very
2:26hard to keep it in check.
2:27>> Interesting.
2:28>> I'm aware of it.
2:29>> So you're the good T-Rex most of the
2:31time except for when you're with your
2:32husband.
2:33>> So if I'm good T-Rex, I'm direct, frank,
2:35and forthright. I'll tell you something
2:37but I'm not afraid to tell you
2:38something. I'm I'm not afraid to
2:40compete. It's called being competing. So
2:41let's say you say to me Louis, "I read
2:43that that research I I told you about,
2:44it's the best. This is what they should
2:46be teaching. It's it's bar none. It
2:48works for me." And I said to you, "You
2:49know Louis, I I hear you and I think
2:51it's probably it's really good but I
2:53really the one I use, I believe in this
2:55one and this is why." So I'm competing
2:57with you. That's okay. A lot of people
2:59are so afraid of competing. They think
3:01it's ugly, it's conflict, it's
3:02confrontation.
3:04>> But if I were bad T-Rex, which I'm not
3:06saying I've never been,
3:08I'm dogmatic. I am
3:09>> This is the only way. It has to be this
3:11way.
3:12>> I'm punitive, right? Oh, so you think
3:14you know everything. Oh, so because
3:16because you're Louis Howes, you must
3:17know it all. That would be bad T-Rex. So
3:20there's good versions and bad versions
3:22of this and I think sometimes we can be
3:24like for example mouse. I can be mouse
3:26and which you are when you interview
3:28people, you actually flip. You you
3:30there's lion and mouse. So when I speak,
3:32I'm lion. You sit back, you let me have
3:35the floor, you let me speak and explain,
3:36right? But you're humble, you're seeking
3:38guidance, you're asking questions.
3:39You're good mouse.
3:41>> Mhm.
3:41>> And hopefully most of your people come
3:44here are good lion.
3:45>> Mhm.
3:45>> They're setting the agenda, they're
3:46helping give points, they're talking,
3:49they're sharing with your viewers. Now
3:51the bad version of that would be I'm a
3:52ba- I'm a bully. I'm a I'm I'm someone
3:55who bullies people. I'm a supervisor or
3:56someone who kind of push people da-
3:58down. I'm in charge. I'm this. I'm that.
4:01I'm the boss. You listen to me. That
4:02would be a bad version of lion. And a
4:04bad version of mouse would be someone
4:06who becomes very weak, submissive,
4:08almost avoidant because they're just
4:09trying to keep that bully and that stuff
4:11off of them. They're too afraid to
4:12speak. So, those are the four
4:14predominant personalities.
4:16>> So, how can you decipher what
4:17personality type you're in front of if
4:19you're just meeting them for the first
4:20time?
4:20>> They'll show you. Just pay attention to
4:22their behavior. I always say this, shut
4:24up.
4:26The first day when I went to polygraph
4:27training, the instructor got up there
4:29and they said, "You want to be king or
4:31queen what you reading people? Shut up."
4:35Give people space to reveal themselves.
4:37Stop talking.
4:39And they'll show you.
4:41First of all, people love to speak up
4:42talk about themselves. So, let them let
4:44them go. And then you can ask questions.
4:46I do this. I actually hate talking about
4:48myself. I'll do it on a platform like
4:50this because I understand why we're
4:51here. But in real life, I don't like
4:53talking about myself. I'm just I'm more
4:55introvert. And I'll say, "No, you know,
4:57people ask me, 'Oh, Evie, what project
4:59are you on?'" I was like, "I'm talking
5:01to this production company. We'll see
5:02where it goes." "What are you doing
5:03lately?" "Oh, wow, really? You're in
5:05accounting? That's amazing. What kind of
5:07accounting do you do? Tell me about
5:08that." And then I listen. So, you'll
5:10pick up that person's mannerisms. You'll
5:13hear the language that they use, how
5:15they speak. And now you have a better
5:17idea who's in front of you.
5:19I call it it's 80/20. 80% of the time
5:22they speak, 20% of the time you speak.
5:26>> What if both of you are like that and
5:28you want to speak less and so you both
5:30just ask
5:31tell you very little and popping the
5:33question back to the other person?
5:34>> So, you bring good monkey out, warm,
5:36social, respectful, but you can ask
5:39questions. Tell me about that or see
5:41what they like to talk about. See what
5:43they want to talk about, not what you
5:45you to
5:45>> What if both individuals are that
5:47personality Where they're both like, "I
5:49just want to know what you think. You
5:50tell me more about you. You No, you tell
5:52me more about you. No, you tell me more
5:53about you."
5:54>> you're that, that's actually you're both
5:56you're both mouse. This is kind of like
5:58So, both peop- So, here's the thing.
6:00That's more mouse.
6:01>> Uh-huh.
6:02>> So, mouse is me saying, "Hey Louis,
6:04where do you want to eat later?"
6:05>> Uh-huh.
6:05>> "Oh, I don't know. Have you What do you
6:06want to eat later?" "Well, I don't know.
6:08What do you want to eat later?" We're
6:09never going to eat.
6:10>> [laughter]
6:11>> We're never going to eat cuz neither one
6:12of us is making a decision.
6:14>> Yes.
6:14>> So, actually in that scenario, we're
6:15we're both being mouse. So, when you're
6:17mouse, if one person is mouse, then to
6:20help the relationship progress, then one
6:22person has to become lion.
6:23>> Mhm.
6:24>> So, at that point, I say, "You know
6:25what, Louis? I Let's do sushi. I love
6:27sushi. Let's go do that." You go do
6:29sushi, and at that point, you would
6:30chime in. So, yes, you would want to
6:33move. But, these animal archetypes, we
6:35move between them. We may be one version
6:38more so than another one. So, I know I'm
6:40a bit more T-Rex. I have to work on it.
6:41I believe you're probably more lion
6:43>> Mhm.
6:43>> just because of all the things
6:45>> Mhm.
6:45>> you do. You're trying to control
6:46everything.
6:47>> Mhm.
6:47>> You control your relationships, your
6:49business deals. And so, so that the ship
6:51doesn't leave without you, I could see
6:53you being like, from what I know of you,
6:55like, "Hey, you know, let me slow down.
6:56Let me look at this."
6:57>> Yeah. How can you really tell if someone
7:00is a narcissist, a sociopath, or a
7:02psychopath? Like, how can you tell if
7:05they have nuances of it, or if they are
7:07one? Is there a strategy in finding that
7:10out?
7:10>> Everybody's calling everybody a
7:11narcissist. It's like the thing. You
7:13don't agree with me, you're a
7:14narcissist. You said this to me, you're
7:16a narcissist. It's like, pull out the
7:17DSM-5, which is actually the book that
7:20has all the disorders in there. I have a
7:21master's in forensic psychology. And
7:23you not agreeing with someone, or rather
7:25someone not agreeing with you, doesn't
7:27mean you label them as a narcissist. And
7:29the fact that we label everybody all
7:30these things, just in and of itself, you
7:32labeling somebody else a narcissist is
7:34narcissistic of you.
7:36>> Right.
7:36>> So, when we look at true narcissism,
7:38there's criteria you have to meet. And
7:40there's certain criteria, lack of
7:42empathy is one. They don't feel bad,
7:45lack of remorse. Now, when you look at
7:47serial killers or people who commit
7:49certain types of crime, that's falls
7:51under antisocial disorder. When people
7:54think of antisocial disorder, they think
7:55of someone who doesn't like to
7:56socialize, who doesn't like to be
7:58monkey, right? As we talked about it
8:00before. They don't want to be warm and
8:01engaging. They kind of are then to
8:03themselves. That's not that. Antisocial
8:05disorder essentially is is a person who
8:07lacks empathy, and that's where
8:09sociopath or psychopath fall in.
8:11Although they they they've moved away
8:13from the using these terms in in actual
8:15psychology. Some of the research that I
8:17had looked at said one out of 25 people
8:19will be one of these. So, one out of 25
8:22people will have this tendency, will
8:23have meet this criteria. It doesn't
8:25>> Of a narcissist or sociopath or
8:27psychopath?
8:27>> Sociopath, psychopath.
8:29>> Really? One out of 25?
8:30>> One out of 25. Maybe a little bit of
8:32narcissism, but one out of 25. I think
8:34narcissism is going up in our culture
8:37right now. I think we are seeing a bit
8:39more of it. And the reason why I think
8:41we're seeing that a lot a lot is
8:44the United States predominantly. I can't
8:45speak to other countries as much as a
8:47very identity culture.
8:49>> Mhm.
8:50>> We're all me me me me me. I feel like
8:52this. My feelings need to be validated.
8:55I need this. I need that. And then with
8:58that, social media has made us more
9:00self-focused rather than
9:01outward-focused.
9:03So, we are more identity. We also have
9:06we lack more empathy as well. Social
9:09media has also done that. In fact, I
9:11just literally on the way here, the news
9:12just hit me up, NBC, and like, "Hey, we
9:14want to do a story. You're looking at
9:15college campuses. Crime is going up on
9:18college campuses."
9:19>> Mhm.
9:19>> And they're what they want to know why.
9:21One of the reasons why is a lack of
9:23connection. I'm an adjunct professor. I
9:25teach criminal justice criminology. I
9:27have a 3-hour block that I do. When I
9:28give my students breaks, cuz I give
9:30them, do you know not one person turns
9:32around and says, "Hey, how are you? How
9:34are you doing today?" They all pull out
9:35their phones and they do this. They
9:37don't even get up out of their chair to
9:39go on break. I have to tell them, "Get
9:41up, go walk, go use the bathroom, get
9:43some water." Why is that a problem? The
9:46problem is I'm not building community.
9:48I'm not getting to know you. You're
9:50there and I'm here. And so when we don't
9:53feel connected to people, we have a lack
9:55of empathy. We fear or don't like the
9:58other and we are more likely to cause
10:00harm to the other.
10:02All these things come into play. And
10:04social media watching I do the news,
10:06everything's negative. It's true.
10:08They're not going to put anything
10:09positive because you the viewer don't
10:10want to see it. You want to see the
10:12drama. You want to see the called
10:14celebrity cases. The cases, especially
10:16crime, they want to see those cases over
10:18and over again. When you're also
10:20consuming this stuff on a repetitive
10:22basis, it's also not healthy for you. So
10:24you also have to think, "What am I
10:25feeding my mind?" But again, to go back
10:28to the sociopathic question, the main
10:31thing that we see between sociopath,
10:34psychopath, or really antisocial
10:35disorder and narcissism is a lack of
10:39empathy. I don't feel bad for what I do.
10:41It's my inability to feel bad for
10:43causing you harm.
10:45>> So I don't feel bad for what I do to you
10:47or what someone is doing to you.
10:50>> I do to you.
10:51>> Okay.
10:51>> And their very identity, by the way.
10:53They They are very self-focused. It is
10:55me, me, me. So a couple things to pay to
10:57pay attention to. When you hear somebody
10:59using the repeated use of I, I, I, I, a
11:02little bit of a red flag, right? You can
11:04even see it in email. We I was trained
11:06to look at language
11:08>> Wow.
11:08>> and how you can know in language when
11:09somebody is very self-focused or even
11:11depressed. If you see the repeated use
11:13of I, I this, I that, it's either
11:16self-focused narcissism or depression.
11:19People People also who are very
11:20depressed are very self-focused. I
11:23analyze myself. Another thing that's
11:24coming causing harm, and I think people
11:26are coming out with this, is when you
11:28sit and you talk about your problems all
11:31the time. When you dwell on them, when
11:33you analyze them, when you sit there and
11:34you've had something bad happen to you
11:36and you are trying to dissect that thing
11:38to the nth degree to figure out why it
11:40happened, what you're doing is you're
11:42feeding your brain and you know, even
11:44spiritually, right? If we bring it to
11:46that that level, only negative things.
11:48You are dwelling and retelling and
11:50reliving the harm that's caused to you.
11:52And you know, one of the predominant
11:53places that happens in is in the therapy
11:55room. Cuz most people when they go to
11:57therapy, what do you do? You talk about
11:59everything that's wrong in your life. So
12:01you have to take a moment cuz I've had
12:02people come to me, I need help with this
12:04and when I speak to them, they'll be in
12:05years of therapy. And I'll ask them,
12:07what do you go for? What do you do when
12:09you're in there? I talk about my
12:10problems. So if I sit and I always talk
12:13about my problems and I relive them and
12:15I retell them and then I get emotionally
12:17upset, what kind of head space am I in?
12:20You know, the Hippocratic oath, I'm
12:21Greek, it's do no harm. So I think going
12:24to therapy and getting help is a great
12:26thing so long as you understand, why am
12:28I going? What's my purpose? And so long
12:30as you have a good doctor that says,
12:31we're done now.
12:32>> Mhm.
12:33>> You don't need me anymore.
12:34>> Yes.

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