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Start Putting Yourself First: Tools to Say No Without Guilt or Drama | The Mel Robbins Podcast — Transcript

by Mel Robbins · 9,343 words · 1,384 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00foreign
0:02we're going to talk about people
0:04pleasing and I am going to teach you the
0:06art and the science of putting yourself
0:10first wouldn't that be nice it is so
0:14misunderstood and so if you struggle
0:16with this and you often feel like your
0:18own wants or needs don't matter or you
0:21tend to bend yourself into knots around
0:24other people or you find yourself having
0:26a really hard time just being yourself
0:28or saying what you really want to say
0:30you're not alone and you're going to get
0:33all kinds of awesome tools today
0:37hey it's your friend Mel and welcome to
0:40a guilt-free and selfish episode of the
0:44Mel Robbins podcast Let's go people
0:49all right welcome why did I call this
0:52episode selfish well because you and I
0:56we're going to talk about people
0:57pleasing and I am going to teach you the
0:59art and the science of putting yourself
1:03first wouldn't that be nice I know it
1:07would be nice and you deserve that if
1:10you're new to the Mel Robbins podcast I
1:12just want to welcome you my name is Mel
1:13Robbins I'm a New York Times
1:14best-selling author and one of the most
1:16respected experts in the world on the
1:19subject of change and motivation
1:21and we're talking about people pleasing
1:23and one of the reasons why I want to
1:25talk about people pleasing is it is so
1:28misunderstood I used to struggle with
1:30people pleasing today you and I are
1:32going to unpack this topic we're going
1:34to Define it I'm going to explain what
1:36the research says about the brain and
1:38people pleasing because that's going to
1:39be really interesting when you realize
1:42that people-pleasing is something that
1:44everybody deals with and by the end of
1:47this episode you're going to have tools
1:48tools that are going to make you more
1:49self-aware tools that are going to help
1:51you catch yourself in those moments when
1:53you feel the pressure to please other
1:55people
1:57I know you do that and that pressure
1:59starts to override your ability to put
2:03yourself first and so we're going to
2:05start with the term people pleaser and
2:07then we're going to jump right into a
2:09question from a listener named Janet and
2:12I'm going to use your questions to help
2:15me just go deeper and deeper and deeper
2:17into this topic so let's just start
2:20though with the term people pleaser so
2:22that you and I are on the same page
2:24people pleaser refers to a person
2:27who just has a strong desire to please
2:29other people even if pleasing other
2:32people comes at their own expense
2:35and if you struggle with people pleasing
2:38I certainly used to I mean those of us
2:40that were parent Pleasers we grew up to
2:43be people Pleasers and so if you
2:46struggle with this and you often feel
2:48like your own wants or needs don't
2:49matter or you tend to bend yourself into
2:53knots around other people or you find
2:55yourself having a really hard time just
2:57being yourself or saying what you really
3:00want to say you're not alone and you're
3:03going to get all kinds of awesome tools
3:05today and the other thing that's
3:07interesting about the research that we
3:08did to prepare for this episode is that
3:10people
3:11pleaser that's not a medical term that
3:14is not some sort of diagnosis that
3:16psychologists use that is simply a way
3:20that we describe casually this coping
3:23mechanism that we all engage in in order
3:26to keep the peace in order to fit in in
3:29order to feel love there are four
3:31takeaways that I want to give you really
3:32quickly and then we're going to go to
3:34Janet's question number one every human
3:37being is a people pleaser everybody
3:39unless you're some narcissistic jerk or
3:42you've got some other neurological
3:44condition that prevents you from truly
3:47bonding with other people in order to
3:49get through life you have to make other
3:51people happy you have to for example put
3:54your boss's needs ahead of yours if you
3:56expect to remain employed it is what it
3:58is your spouse and your kids they come
4:01first at time your parents when you were
4:02little you wanted to please them and
4:04there are times where you need other
4:06people to be happy with you like when
4:08you're at the DMV that clerk that you
4:10hope does you that quick favor you
4:13better make sure that they're happy with
4:14you or the person who's throwing the big
4:16party in Cabo over spring break
4:18definitely you're a people pleaser
4:20around that person I don't blame you you
4:22want the invite
4:23that's the big takeaway you're not the
4:26only one that struggles with this second
4:28takeaway you're never going to get rid
4:29of people pleasing entirely I wouldn't
4:31want you to you can't because some level
4:34of people pleasing is necessary in life
4:37because relationships are a give and
4:39take and what we're going to talk about
4:40today is the balance
4:43how do you balance other people's needs
4:46and your own
4:47third takeaway people pleasing is only a
4:50problem if you do it by default
4:54so if you're the kind of person that is
4:57so focused on other people you don't
4:59even know who you are anymore you've
5:01been neglecting your own needs or
5:03silencing your own voice or you
5:06constantly feel like a doormat that
5:07everybody walks on people pleasing is
5:10definitely a problem for you and this is
5:12something that I want you to get ahead
5:15of because I want more for you you're
5:17going to get more out of your life when
5:18you're more self-aware about when you
5:20start putting other people first and
5:22abandoning yourself and so today I'm
5:25going to probably make you pretty
5:27shocked at how prevalent this is for you
5:29so that you can start making different
5:32decisions moving forward and that leads
5:35me to the fourth takeaway
5:38you can take your power back my mission
5:40today is to help you understand the
5:42topic gain more self-awareness so that
5:45you can interrupt this pattern and you
5:46can create a different pattern which is
5:49making conscious decisions in your
5:51day-to-day life that truly Empower you
5:53because you can learn how to consciously
5:56choose when you are going to put other
5:59people first
6:00and when you're not and you're going to
6:02put yourself first so let's start with a
6:04question this one comes from a listener
6:07named Janet
6:09hey Mel so the way I was raised was that
6:12what defines a good woman is what she
6:15can do for others for her children for
6:16her husband whatever and you always came
6:19second whether it was you were the last
6:20to take a shower before you went out you
6:22were the last to eat at a at a family
6:25event whatever it was so my biggest
6:27struggle now is doing creating self-love
6:31for myself without feeling guilty
6:33without feeling like I'm not being
6:35humble enough or without feeling like
6:37I'm less of a mother or less of a wife
6:39because I'm taking care of myself
6:42um I know it's the other way I know that
6:44I have to take care of me so I can take
6:46care of others but I just have a hard
6:49time doing it without feeling that guilt
6:51to me it literally feels like a child
6:54learning to walk
6:56um I don't know how to do it without
6:57feeling guilt I want to remove that
6:59guilt from inside of me Janet I got some
7:02bad news
7:04you can't remove the guild
7:07I must say that again
7:08when you first start putting yourself
7:11first you will not remove the guilt
7:14and so I just want to be honest about
7:17that but let me give you the two
7:20takeaways okay that are really important
7:23because this really isn't about guilt
7:26this is about you defining for yourself
7:30what it means to be a good wife and a
7:35good mother and a good person in your
7:37eyes and so I'm going to give you two
7:40major wake-up calls that I had around
7:43this topic and then I'm going to tell
7:45you this crazy story so the first
7:48wake-up call that I got is this notion
7:53that the people who love you
7:57they will be annoyed with you when you
7:59put yourself first it is true they are
8:01not going to like it they like you being
8:04the person that you are right now it is
8:07convenient for them that you put them
8:09first it is wonderful the dynamic that's
8:12in place but it's no longer good for you
8:15so just expect that the people who you
8:18love will be annoyed or disappointed or
8:21upset when you start putting yourself
8:22first
8:23but they're still going to love you
8:26it's not an either or thing and I'll
8:28explain more about that
8:30and second this is a huge wake-up call
8:32what if the guilt doesn't go away
8:35what if guilt is actually a good thing
8:38what if guilt is super healthy to feel
8:40right now
8:42in fact that's what I believe
8:45I believe that the guilt is good I
8:47believe that the guilt is healthy and I
8:50believe that you can reframe it
8:52see Guilt shows that you care that's why
8:56you feel that way if you are a
8:58narcissistic douchebag you wouldn't feel
9:00guilty at all for putting yourself first
9:02I want to frame guilt in a different way
9:05for you okay
9:07let's frame it from a bad sign oh I'm
9:10doing something bad I'm putting myself
9:11first into a good one stop seeing guilt
9:15is a bad thing because you're not doing
9:16anything wrong when you put yourself
9:18first
9:19start seeing guilt as a good thing guilt
9:22is a sign that you're breaking free of
9:26this people-pleasing habit
9:28you feel guilty because putting yourself
9:31first is just a new feeling that's it
9:34you know I had this Insight a few years
9:37ago that I think might help you
9:39two things can be true in life at the
9:42same time
9:43you can put yourself first and
9:45disappoint people
9:47and they can still love you even though
9:49they're disappointed and here's another
9:51example of how two things can be true at
9:54the same time you can feel guilty
9:57and you can still put yourself first
10:00pretty cool it's not an either or
10:03and that's why I say that this topic
10:06about people pleasing is about balancing
10:09your needs with the fact that in order
10:11to have great relationships you do have
10:13to compromise sometimes and the balance
10:16comes in because in order for you to
10:19have the life that you want you are
10:21going to disappoint people that you love
10:23sometimes
10:24I experience this all the time I'm 54
10:28years old I still want to make my
10:29parents happy why
10:31because I love them
10:33and because that's what I've always done
10:34and so when I get into one of those
10:37moments where it is a balancing act
10:39it's not easy and I'm going to tell you
10:42a story about this my dad is an enormous
10:46Billiards fan and when he was in either
10:49college or medical school he used to
10:51hustle for money at a pool hall like he
10:55is a great pool player and I grew up in
10:59a town called Muskegon Michigan which is
11:02the world headquarters of a company
11:04called Brunswick which used to make all
11:06of the old pool tables and so my dad
11:09became just a huge fan of collecting
11:13antique Pool and Billiard artifacts in
11:17fact my parents house is full of them
11:20old pool balls pull cues the little
11:24counting like things that hang on the
11:27ceiling artwork a pool like just all cut
11:31chairs from Billiards my dad loves this
11:33stuff so when Chris and I got married he
11:36gave us a refurbished Brunswick pool
11:40table that dated back to the 1800s and
11:45it had been in a Vikings Lodge in
11:48Muskegon Michigan and he ended up buying
11:51at an auction had it for and it was like
11:54the greatest thing ever but here's the
11:57problem when Chris and I got married we
11:59lived in an apartment like whose
12:01apartment has room for a pool table and
12:02so this beautiful pool table sat in my
12:05parents basement in North Muskegon
12:07Michigan for over a decade and so all
12:10this time goes by Chris and I have now
12:13moved to Boston we've bought our first
12:15house it is a teeny tiny antique
12:19Farmhouse there was not a single room
12:21that was big enough to clear a pool
12:23table I don't know if you understand how
12:26a pool table works I didn't realize that
12:28you need four and a half feet clearance
12:30around the pool table in order to play
12:33pool this was like not something I was
12:36aware of so we couldn't even fit it in
12:38our house when we first bought a house
12:40it couldn't fit in the basement because
12:41we had a dirt basement you're not going
12:43to put a pool table down there so more
12:45years go by and then Chris and I
12:49finally have enough money to refinance
12:52the house and put on a small addition we
12:56were going to put on a garage with a
12:58room above the garage that's what we
13:00were gonna do
13:01and to my dad he was like great
13:06that means the pool table finally has a
13:08home now given that I did not know that
13:12you needed a certain amount of space to
13:14put the pool table in I had envisioned
13:16that this room above the garage would be
13:19the kids playroom right and I thought oh
13:21okay well you know it's a two-car garage
13:24so clearly we could put a pool table in
13:26there and it'd be the kids playroom so
13:28get this my dad is so excited that I fly
13:32back to Michigan and he and I take a
13:35road trip in a U-Haul where we drive
13:38across country from Michigan all the way
13:42to Boston together and we bring back all
13:46kinds of stuff from my parents basement
13:47and we split a bunch of plants from
13:49their yard and the pool table was in the
13:52back and my dad hires somebody to meet
13:55us there and we assemble the pool table
13:58and when they finally finished
14:00assembling this pool table
14:02it sat in the middle of this playroom
14:05like a felted aircraft carrier our
14:09playroom as it turns out was only big
14:12enough to put
14:13a pool table in it no room for the couch
14:17no room for the kids play table just a
14:21big ass antique pool table
14:25that was a sign of my father's love and
14:29Devotion to his daughter
14:31did I want the pool table there well for
14:34well first year or two it was great but
14:36then it literally just collected dust
14:38and as the kids got older it became the
14:40table that they played Legos on and then
14:43it became the table that I folded
14:45laundry on and then my business started
14:47to grow and I started thinking boy it'd
14:50be awfully nice to have an office a
14:52place to work but I didn't dare
14:57disassemble that pool table
14:59why
15:00the thought of disappointing my father
15:03heartbreaking now keep in mind
15:06he's only at my house once or twice a
15:08year so we're talking maybe four or five
15:11days out of 365 days is the man gonna
15:15see the pool table
15:16but nevertheless like a dutiful daughter
15:18because I love him and I did not know
15:22what I know now I thought that in order
15:25to have my dad love me that meant that I
15:28had to just keep this pool table
15:31like a mausoleum is that the word that
15:36represented uh you know my father and my
15:39duty and my loyalty and as my company
15:42began to grow we put plywood on top of
15:45the pool table and we worked on that and
15:48then finally I thought what the hell am
15:50I doing I am a grown ass woman I need to
15:54disassemble the pool table my dad will
15:56understand I will assure him that the
15:59second that I am successful enough to
16:01add on to this house again or do
16:04something else the first thing that I
16:06will do is build a room where we can put
16:09a pool table I wish I had more money I
16:12wish I had a bigger house I wish I had
16:14one of those great rooms that people
16:15have that you could launch a cannon
16:17through but that is not my life and it
16:19is not what my needs are and in order to
16:21put my needs first and my business first
16:24and for my kids to have a place to to be
16:26able to be to
16:28I can't have this felted aircraft
16:30carrier in the middle of this room I
16:32need to take the room back
16:34and so I'll never forget this day I
16:37picked up the phone
16:40to call my dad
16:43and when I heard his voice I immediately
16:46started to chicken out hey Mel what's up
16:50hey Dad
16:52and of course I talk about nothing
16:54and my stomachache is churning and I'm
16:57starting to feel stressed diarrhea
16:58coming on and finally I'm like okay God
17:00Mel five four three two one you're not
17:02eight years old anymore you just feel
17:03like you are and I'm like Dad I got to
17:04talk to you about something he's like
17:05yeah what's up
17:06okay so the pool table you gave us yeah
17:09yeah hi how's it going you guys love
17:11using it like I'm so happy your brother
17:13they just moved into their house in
17:15Chicago and so the the table that I gave
17:17them it's in their basement we played
17:19last weekend my heart is sinking in my
17:23chest this is not going according to
17:25plan
17:26so I take a deep breath I said Dad yeah
17:28about the pool table
17:30my business is growing so fast I really
17:33need
17:35a place for the people that work for me
17:36to come and work oh great they're gonna
17:39love playing on the pool table too like
17:41you know the cool offices all have pool
17:43tables and ping-pong
17:45dad
17:47um I don't have enough room
17:50um in the room that it's in oh well it
17:52could go in the living room like if you
17:53got dad I I like it just can't because
17:56the living room's not big enough
17:59so what are you saying though well what
18:01I'm saying is I was going to hire the
18:02guy that you hired to like level it and
18:05put the slate in to come back and
18:07lovingly like take it apart and I was
18:09going to store it in a really loving way
18:11until I have a place for it
18:20you want to know how I felt in that
18:21moment
18:23I felt like the world's worst daughter
18:26I felt like an ungrateful piece of [ __ ]
18:31because through the silence
18:35I could feel
18:37my dad's heart sink
18:41and
18:44it was a really
18:47hard thing to do and that's why I say
18:49this is a balance like it's so easy to
18:53say on a tick tock video
18:56just say no
18:58when it's somebody that you love and you
19:00know that you're going to disappoint
19:01them
19:03that's not easy
19:04and you can still do it
19:07and what's interesting about that moment
19:09is it didn't feel like this victory
19:13it didn't feel like yeah
19:15there was this residue there because I
19:19knew that he was disappointed
19:23and I was disappointed too I wish I had
19:26a bigger house I wish I could
19:28accommodate this beautiful gift I wish
19:30that I had a basement that I could go in
19:33I wish I lived closer to them
19:36and so all of that emotion came crashing
19:39in in that moment and that's why I'm
19:42going to keep on saying learning how to
19:46balance those moments when you know that
19:48your decision that is truly best for you
19:51and what you need is going to disappoint
19:54someone
19:55remember that two things can be true
19:58you can do what's right for you
20:02and you can have somebody be
20:05disappointed in you
20:07and you can know that deep down they
20:10still love you
20:11I mean people that you love disappoint
20:13you all the time
20:15all the time and you still love them
20:17and it's a real art
20:20to learn how to be in those moments
20:25with Grace
20:26and advocate for yourself and still hold
20:30space for somebody to be upset with you
20:33or disappointed in you or sad about it
20:35that's what that moment was
20:38it was just both of us feeling
20:40disappointed that it wasn't different
20:43and you know do they tease me when they
20:46come over of course I did for years they
20:48did this was pretty recently by the way
20:50everybody
20:51so I'm just remembering back to the fact
20:54that when I released the five second
20:56rule book it was 2017 and I
20:59self-published that and we did all of
21:02the internal layouts do you know what I
21:04use that pool table for
21:06it was our creative desk where I laid
21:10out the entire design of the five second
21:13rule book so I'm talking less than five
21:17years ago everybody I had this
21:19conversation with my father
21:20and whenever they would come visit
21:24they would walk in and they'd look in
21:27the direction of where my office was and
21:30nice pool table or every time I would
21:33say yeah I'd love Grandma's table from
21:35the kitchen and then my mom would you
21:37know say something snarky like how is it
21:40going to end up in the basement with the
21:42pool table you sure you want it and you
21:44know what
21:45they're allowed to say that they're
21:48allowed to be disappointed
21:49they're allowed to call me out on that
21:52and I have to create space for them to
21:57have their feelings and I also believe
22:00that that's one of the things we don't
22:01talk about a lot in relationships and
22:03people pleasing like you think when
22:05you're people pleasing it's all one way
22:06it's not it's a give and a take if you
22:09want other people to make room for the
22:12very real emotions that you feel and the
22:15reason why you need to put yourself
22:17first in certain circumstances then you
22:19got to show up and hold up your end of
22:21the bargain and make room for their
22:23feelings of disappointment and confusion
22:25and sadness and just know that when
22:28somebody is given the space to process
22:30it or to make a joke or say something
22:33snarky because let's face it do you know
22:35what's underneath that snarky comment or
22:37is it going to end up in the basement
22:38like the pool table
22:40it's heard
22:41it's sadness that's not processed in a
22:44healthy way and so just keep in mind
22:46that yes when you start putting yourself
22:49first and when you start making
22:51decisions you will disappoint other
22:53people give them space to feel that
22:55and know that they will still love you
22:58they do even if they don't express it in
23:01a constructive way and also know that
23:03you can feel guilty I sure as hell felt
23:05guilty and you want to know what I still
23:07feel guilty even though it's not my
23:08fault
23:10and I feel so guilty that you know what
23:12now that we're here in southern Vermont
23:14and I've built this dream house of mine
23:16I made damn [ __ ] sure that in the
23:19barn you better believe there's not only
23:22space for that pool table I built a barn
23:26so that we could put the pool table in
23:28there so Dad I know you're listening you
23:31get your ass up here because I'm going
23:32to beat you in a game of pool when you
23:34do come okay and I can't wait
23:37um
23:38and yeah I still feel a little guilty
23:40why guilt is good it means I care and it
23:44means I am expanding my capacity to live
23:48in that balance
23:50to do things that really work for me and
23:55know that that is not going to work for
23:56some other people and that's okay that's
23:58what it's all about
23:59I wish I could see you right now because
24:01I would imagine that you are feeling all
24:04kinds of things after hearing that story
24:06so am I so let's take a break real quick
24:09and hear a word from our sponsors I
24:11might call my father on the break I'm
24:12not gonna lie about this
24:15and when we come back we got more
24:17questioners from listeners and I want to
24:18tell you something about your brain and
24:21its connection to people pleasing stay
24:23with us
24:25welcome back I'm Mel Robbins we're
24:27talking about people pleasing and I'm
24:30really excited because we have a great
24:32question from a listener named Courtney
24:34hi Mel this is Courtney from Louisiana
24:38I have a question for you I have learned
24:42through therapy that one of my issues
24:45with self-love stemmed from trauma
24:48growing up
24:49um
24:50and through therapy I've learned to
24:52release a lot of that trauma
24:55and discovered more self-love which in
24:57turn has made me a different person I've
24:59learned to create boundaries my question
25:02is that I find family members are close
25:07friends that have been with me for most
25:10of my life
25:11a lot of them
25:13don't like the new me with self-love I
25:17think they see the new boundaries
25:20sometimes as rejection
25:23as a wall I've heard family members say
25:27when I you know say that won't work for
25:30me or things of that nature that it's
25:32rude unkind
25:34unflexible difficult but I'm just
25:38wondering if other people
25:39have discovered that a lot of times once
25:42you kind of enter a world of more
25:45self-love and more authenticity
25:47if you feel a sense of rejection from
25:51others
25:52Courtney I absolutely love this question
25:55and in particular I want to focus in on
25:58the word rejection when you start
26:00putting yourself first do you feel
26:04rejection from others the answer is yes
26:07and I want to now talk a little bit
26:09about why and explain a really
26:11interesting connection between your
26:14brain
26:15and the way that your brain processes
26:18stress or discomfort and this tendency
26:21that we have to please other people
26:23instead of making the right decision for
26:26ourselves
26:27so you know how you're in that moment
26:29let's just use the example of me and
26:33this pool table
26:34for years I knew that I wanted to
26:39disassemble the pool table
26:41and I would walk past the room and there
26:43it is you know like a New York City bus
26:46sitting in the middle of a room and a
26:49small farmhouse
26:51and I would feel
26:53this tension in my body because I knew
26:57what I wanted which was could I
27:00disassemble this and not disappoint my
27:02dad could I disassemble this and not be
27:05the world's worst daughter how could I
27:07do that and that tension between what I
27:11wanted which was to have that room back
27:14and this pain that I knew it might cause
27:19my dad it created this like really awful
27:22discomfort inside of me like even the
27:25idea of making the phone call I thought
27:27about making that phone call to my
27:28father for years and you want to know
27:30what kept me from not making that phone
27:32call the discomfort that I felt in my
27:36body
27:37people pleasing is not about other
27:40people
27:42pleasing is your inability to tolerate
27:47that discomfort
27:49so many of us resort to keeping the
27:52peace or staying quiet
27:55or not picking up the phone
27:58because we're terrified of creating more
28:02discomfort in our bodies
28:04and that is what the heart of people
28:07pleasing is that you just don't like to
28:11feel the tension of what if they're
28:13upset what if this what if that what and
28:14this goes all the way back to Childhood
28:16and there's a lot of research around
28:18this in fact based on Research this
28:21discomfort that you feel when you know
28:23that what you want is at odds with how
28:25somebody else is going to feel the
28:27discomfort's normal you're actually
28:29wired this way and this has to do with
28:31the fact that we as human beings are
28:35designed to be in groups we are designed
28:38to bond with other people and when what
28:40you want
28:42you know putting yourself first is at
28:45odds with how somebody else is going to
28:47feel it's at odds with your own wiring
28:49and this is according to research from
28:51Dr Juan Dominguez of Montage University
28:55in Melbourne Australia
28:59Dr Dominguez says we avoid confrontation
29:02because of this uncomfortable sensation
29:06and neurologically it triggers you to
29:10try to just make the uncomfortable
29:11situation go away brain scans actually
29:14show that your prefrontal cortex which
29:17mediates decision making and the
29:20anterior insula which is involved in the
29:23experience of your emotions and Body
29:25Sensations it shows way more activity
29:27than other regions in the brain when
29:30you're in a situation where what you
29:33want
29:34is in confrontation
29:37with somebody else
29:39what you're experiencing and what I'm
29:41experiencing every single moment when I
29:43walk past that room I see the pool table
29:46I know I'm like God I would love to just
29:47disassemble that but I can't I can't
29:50like I can't do that to my dad he's such
29:52an awesome dude it is such an amazing
29:54gift what kind of a selfish piece of
29:56[ __ ] am I to even think that thought
29:58when you feel that wave of distress
30:02that's cognitive dissonance
30:04that's what's happening with you
30:06that there are two beliefs that are at
30:09odds and that uncomfortable feeling is
30:11what makes you cave it's what turns you
30:13into a people pleaser and that's why
30:16this is so hard
30:18and ultimately this is like a huge
30:20wake-up call I hope people pleasing is
30:22not about other people
30:24it's about you and your inability to
30:26tolerate confrontation or discomfort in
30:29your own mind and body and I struggle
30:31with this that's why self-awareness is
30:33key and so I want to come back to the
30:35word that you used rejection
30:38rejection that when you start to change
30:42what's going to happen is all that
30:45discomfort that you suppressed by
30:47keeping the peace
30:49or falling in line or saying what you
30:51think other people want to hear or just
30:54doing what everybody else wants to do
30:57when you start putting yourself first
30:59that discomfort that you were
31:01suppressing
31:02now appears in the world
31:05see people pleasing works that's why we
31:07do it
31:09so I want you to expect it everybody
31:11and again I talked about this in the
31:13pool table story just give people space
31:17to be disappointed just give people
31:19space to feel what they need to feel
31:20because whenever you change and you
31:25start making decisions
31:28that either go against somebody's
31:31expectations no I'm not coming for
31:34Thanksgiving we're going to stay home
31:35with the kids nope
31:37um you know my parents just did that to
31:38me I wanted them to come up for the
31:41holidays really wanted them to spend
31:43Christmas with us this year and when I
31:45invited them they're like thank you very
31:47much we'd love to be with you and no
31:49we make it a rule not to travel during
31:51the holidays have you seen the airports
31:53there and they're crazy and then of
31:55course there were these huge storms and
31:56all kinds of cancellations and they
31:57called right before Christmas like we're
31:59glad we didn't come but I was
32:01disappointed
32:02doesn't change the fact that I love them
32:04they're just putting themselves first
32:06that's what that is and because they're
32:10able to do that that tension that they'd
32:13normally be managing their body now it
32:16comes between us because we're at odds
32:17but that's okay
32:19that's what life is about and you got to
32:21be able to work it out and you know I
32:23want to tell you one other thing
32:25you can use a little empathy
32:28you know my parents were great when they
32:30called and said we're not coming because
32:32they knew I was disappointed and they
32:34also said we'd love to see you and we
32:36just don't want to do it having done
32:37this so many years we're over it it that
32:39we don't have to be together on
32:41Christmas why don't you come down which
32:42I am I'm going down next week and
32:43spending a week with them and be a lot
32:45easier to fly
32:47and so they made room for my feelings
32:50and they still did what made them feel
32:53good
32:54that's the sign of a loving relationship
32:56loving somebody how they need and want
33:00to be loved and so when you start to
33:02change it's going to change the dynamic
33:04and the main thing to keep in mind about
33:05putting yourself first is that when you
33:07start to make decisions that work for
33:09you
33:11it makes other people think about the
33:14decisions that they're making so if you
33:16start to say
33:18uh no I'm not going to meet you at the
33:20local diner for pancakes and sausage
33:23this morning like we have every year for
33:2510 years because I'm actually eating
33:28super healthy and they don't really have
33:31anything on the menu and I'm going to be
33:32out uh going for a training run for this
33:355 km training on running they're gonna
33:37be like what what do you mean
33:39you
33:41want to know why
33:44because if they're used to you doing a
33:45certain thing it is rejection
33:49I wanted my parents to come for the
33:51holidays and when they said no that's
33:53not going to work for us you know what
33:54that was that's rejection because it
33:56didn't meet my expectation
33:58but let's go back to the bottom line
34:01I'm allowed to feel that way
34:03and they're allowed to make decisions
34:05that they want to make if we make space
34:07for each other what comes through is the
34:09love
34:10that's it so give them room expect them
34:13to feel that way
34:15and you now understand the science
34:18now I want to go to a question from a
34:20listener named Anna because Courtney was
34:22talking about rejection and Anna is
34:25coming at
34:26other people's reactions from a slightly
34:29different angle hi Mel
34:31um my name's Anna I just saw your
34:32stories and thought I'd send over a
34:35question that I've been having
34:37my question is is more about well I I
34:41consider myself a very independent
34:42person and
34:45am definitely very disciplined in what I
34:47do
34:48um but that leads me to live a life that
34:52is very different from
34:54most of the people I surround myself
34:56with I guess so my question is more of
35:00how to really hone in on that discipline
35:04and and keep living the life that you
35:06know you should be living even when
35:08others don't understand it or
35:11um just don't get why you're why you're
35:13doing it thanks
35:15Anna I love this question because
35:18you are making a mistake that every
35:22single one of us makes when we start to
35:24live a life that is truly aligned with
35:27what we want to be doing
35:29everybody that you're surrounded with
35:32right now has been on the road with you
35:35up until this point
35:37but they have no idea
35:40what your day-to-day life is like moving
35:42forward because they're not living the
35:44same kind of life and here's what I want
35:47you to understand when this happens and
35:51you start to make very deliberate
35:54changes whether it's in your health or
35:57maybe you've launched a business or you
36:00are just tired of kind of a gossipy
36:03social climbing circle of friends and
36:06now you're seeking deeper meaning in
36:09your life
36:10you don't have to ditch those people
36:12they can continue to be in your life and
36:15they will be part of the rest of your
36:17life
36:18but they're never going to understand
36:19what you're going through because they
36:22don't live the day-to-day life that
36:24you're living and a major mistake that I
36:27see people making is as we're making
36:29major changes we turn to our existing
36:32friends and our family for counsel and
36:35they have absolutely no idea what we're
36:36going through so for example there are
36:39very few people on the planet who
36:42actually understand what I do for a
36:43living
36:44I can count them on one hand
36:47when it comes to speaking on corporate
36:49stages hosting a podcast creating
36:51content for people like Starbucks and
36:53Linkedin and audible to being an
36:56entrepreneur to having the social media
36:58following to having a marriage and a
37:01family like very few people that
37:04understand the pressure I'm under the
37:06impact that I'm making the goals the
37:08hopes the dreams the frustrations my
37:11husband doesn't understand it
37:12he's not in that world my kids don't
37:16understand it my friends don't
37:17understand it
37:18if I want somebody to truly understand
37:21what my life looks like I gotta pick up
37:23the phone and call Jay Shetty or Jenna
37:25Kutcher or Trent Shelton like somebody
37:28who is doing
37:30what I'm doing and it goes for
37:32everything like I'm in the middle of
37:34menopause I'm dealing I talked on the
37:37last a couple episodes ago about this
37:39bread basket that I'm feeling on my
37:41waist and hormone stuff I'm not going to
37:43go to a 28 year old Fitness freak in my
37:46family and ask them for advice about my
37:48stomach they don't understand what I'm
37:51going through and so I'm I'm making this
37:54point
37:55because when it comes to people pleasing
37:57and when it comes to putting yourself
37:58first the way that you continue to
38:02create discipline
38:04is twofold you have to get super
38:07intentional
38:09about seeking out more people in your
38:12life
38:13either through Mastermind groups or
38:15following people on social media or
38:17attending like online classes or going
38:20to different events you've got to find
38:23people who are up to what you're up to
38:24because they'll understand
38:26they'll support you
38:28and you have to stop seeking validation
38:32from the people that are already around
38:34you
38:35because that's not why you're doing this
38:37thing and here's one more thing I want
38:38to tell you
38:40why do you care what they think
38:43you already said you're independent you
38:44already said you're putting yourself
38:45first why on Earth would you seek
38:48validation or advice from somebody whose
38:50lives you wouldn't who you wouldn't
38:52trade lives with
38:53just stop asking people who are
38:56miserable or unqualified to validate
38:58your happiness your life your choices
39:01you got to validate yourself by making
39:03decisions that work for you
39:05stop looking for validation from other
39:08people particularly other people who
39:10don't even understand themselves or what
39:12you're doing because if they can't
39:13understand themselves if they don't
39:15understand what you're even trying to do
39:16there's no way in hell they're ever
39:18going to understand or endorse what
39:19you're doing
39:20instead start looking to people who have
39:23made the changes that you want to make
39:25who have the values that you want to
39:26make not only do they understand what it
39:29takes to make this change but they also
39:31have the confidence in the track record
39:33and the experience to cheer you on
39:36well we've covered a lot of ground and I
39:39think you're starting to realize wow
39:40this people-pleasing thing isn't really
39:42about saying no it's about
39:43self-awareness it's about my ability
39:46to catch those moments where those
39:49uncomfortable feelings rise up and to
39:51tolerate them it's about my ability to
39:54know that there are going to be times in
39:56my life where I'm going to be making
39:57decisions that people that I deeply love
39:59are going to be disappointed by and I
40:01can make space for both they're going to
40:03be times in my life where I'm pursuing a
40:05change in my lifestyle that nobody
40:07around me understands nobody else is
40:09pursuing and I gotta stop this default
40:11of seeking validation and advice from
40:14from the people who don't understand
40:16what I'm doing and when you learn how to
40:20do that and start making decisions that
40:22really Empower you in the long run your
40:26life is going to change it's going to be
40:27more meaningful it's going to be richer
40:30deeper you're going to feel more agency
40:32and control in your life and I know what
40:35you're thinking right now I know here's
40:37what you're thinking Mel
40:40dear God do I want this
40:42but if I'm the kind of person that has
40:44never ever ever put myself first
40:48how the heck
40:49do I even know when to do it
40:53and let me tell you something
40:55first you have to go back to the
40:57beginning and become self-aware and you
40:59have to get deliberate about defining
41:02the person you are becoming
41:06let's hear this final question from a
41:09listener to this podcast named Nella hi
41:12Mel I am a big fan from Ireland and my
41:15name is Nella I'm a singer-songwriter
41:18and something that I definitely struggle
41:20with is with masking and you know being
41:23afraid to show up as my true authentic
41:25self and to all people at all times yeah
41:29just any advice would be amazing on how
41:31to just
41:32get better at doing that and have the
41:34confidence to just be my authentic true
41:36self
41:37um all the time that would be great
41:40um thank you Nella thank you first and
41:43foremost for your honesty
41:45um
41:46but I'm gonna say something a little
41:47provocative
41:49you kept saying the words true authentic
41:51self authentic self authentic self and I
41:53want you to stop and ask yourself do you
41:56even know who you are
41:59do you know what it means when you say I
42:03am my true authentic self
42:06and the reason why I'm asking you this
42:08question is because I don't think most
42:10people do
42:13I think we want to be we want to be our
42:16authentic selves of course but what does
42:18that even mean
42:19you know listening to your question it
42:21reminds me when I was writing the high
42:23five habit there was a woman who wrote
42:25To Me from Ireland and I ended up
42:27getting on the phone and then on a zoom
42:29call and I spent a lot of time talking
42:31to her and she is in the book and I want
42:35to bring this up because I want to make
42:37a point about the pressure that we feel
42:39to conform
42:41so in this example of the woman from
42:44Ireland she was writing about the fact
42:45that she wanted to get a divorce
42:48that is her true authentic self
42:50yet she had been delaying doing this for
42:53seven years because of the pressure of
42:55the Catholic church because of the
42:56disappointment of her mother because of
42:58what the priest might think because of
42:59what the whole freaking country of
43:00Ireland might think
43:02and so I'm highlighting this because for
43:06some of us people pleasing is even
43:10deeper than sort of this discomfort it's
43:13the social Norm
43:15like you wouldn't be caught dead
43:17In some cultures or in some religions or
43:22in some households veering from the norm
43:25the pressure is so intense it's just the
43:28air that you breathe
43:30and for many people that is the case and
43:32so if that's you
43:35you might not even know what the
43:37authentic you is because you have been
43:40told for so long by your country by your
43:42religion by your family by the community
43:45you live in buy whatever
43:47who you're supposed to be
43:49and I'm gonna give you a really
43:53important exercise I want you to just
43:55imagine that you are a screenwriter
43:59that you are about to write a movie
44:02about the real you
44:05write a character description
44:08and describe a day in the life of the
44:11real you
44:12remove the country you live in remove
44:14the religion you grew up with or you
44:16didn't remove the stories that you've
44:18been telling yourself or the pressure
44:20you feel or the disappointment or what
44:21other people think you should or
44:23shouldn't do
44:24and write the story a day in the life
44:28of who you are at your core
44:31when you would wake up where you would
44:33live
44:34where you would go what kind of work you
44:36do what kind of friends that you have
44:40what are your habits what do you love
44:42doing who are you laughing with
44:45this is such an important exercise
44:47because again remember I told you that
44:49people pleasing
44:50it's a balance
44:52and it begins with you truly knowing
44:54yourself
44:56and if you don't really know who you are
44:58because you've always been told who to
45:00be and you've spent your life feeling
45:02like you do nothing but conforming this
45:04is a really important step for you to
45:07take
45:09because people pleasing at its core is
45:12you believing the person that you are
45:14deep inside that it's not good enough
45:17you're not good enough
45:19and based on what we've talked about you
45:21can start to change that but you really
45:24have to go through the steps of getting
45:26curious about who you are for real
45:28and if the idea of you having a
45:32conversation like I did with my dad or
45:35you telling somebody that you're not
45:37coming over for dinner because you're
45:38tired and that's the truth or saying
45:41that nope you can't borrow my pickup
45:43truck again I don't lend it out anymore
45:46if that makes you really uncomfortable
45:48here's a tool that you can use to start
45:50to experiment with that moment of
45:53discomfort and the tool is called switch
45:55and this comes from research
45:57you don't have to say yes you're going
45:59to go from saying sure I'll let you
46:01borrow my car or sure we'll come to
46:03Thanksgiving or sure I'll do that or yes
46:04yes yes yes yes instead of saying no
46:06switch it to a pause
46:09I'll think about it
46:11let me check my calendar I'll get back
46:13to you on that when you switch your yes
46:16to a pause and you buy yourself some
46:19time
46:21you're going to feel a little less
46:22pressure
46:23for example when you say let me get back
46:25to you
46:2720 minutes later you can email back and
46:30say thank you so much for the invitation
46:32I'm booked
46:34or send no over text if it's too hard to
46:36say it in person or say no over the
46:39phone if you don't want to say it to
46:41their face
46:42but switching from feeling the pressure
46:45to say yes
46:46to putting yourself in a pause that's
46:49what I want you to practice because if
46:50you can say I'll get back to you let me
46:52think about it you got time to settle
46:55those uncomfortable feelings because
46:56remember it's not about the other person
46:57it's about you not being able to
46:59tolerate that discomfort that rises up
47:01and then you immediately make the
47:02discomfort going away by going okay fine
47:04I'll do it no
47:07switch into pause
47:09switch into pause because in that pause
47:11you're going to find some peace in that
47:13pause is where you're going to find that
47:15balance and I'm going to give you one
47:17more quick little example about how this
47:19works
47:20so last week I was in Las Vegas and we
47:24were on day 15 of a 16 day business trip
47:27and we landed late and we did a tech
47:29check because I was delivering a speech
47:31in the morning and we were about to head
47:33up to the hotel it was eight o'clock at
47:35night and I turned to my friends and I'm
47:37like we should probably get something to
47:38eat because we haven't eaten since
47:40launch I know it's late and we're going
47:42to get up early and then I'm gonna have
47:43to race and do the speech and then we're
47:44raced and run out of any food in our
47:46stomach so we went straight to the
47:47steakhouse that was in the casino
47:49we walk in there wearing sweats off an
47:53airplane
47:54it is 8 30 at night this place has a
47:57freaking DJ in the bar people are
47:59thumping and bumping and Glitters and
48:01sparkles everywhere they seat us right
48:04away in the bar at a high top the three
48:05of us order immediately because we are
48:08going to shovel down that food I got the
48:10filet mignon and some mashed potatoes
48:12and we got mocktails and right above our
48:15head was this speaker that was like boom
48:18boom boom boom Boop like we were I mean
48:20it was like zero to a thousand inside
48:24this place I was not ready for this I
48:26just wanted to get some protein in my
48:28stomach and get to bed because I had a
48:29speech to give and I was exhausted so
48:32we're eating and we're kind of bopping
48:33and talking and right when the steak
48:35comes I hand her my credit card
48:37signaling bring me the check right away
48:39I'm part of the clean play club like I
48:41am done I have finished in probably 11
48:44seconds flat uh Melinda who is at the
48:47table with us she is done too I look
48:49over at Amy
48:54she is eating in slow motion she is
48:58enjoying every bite I think she is
49:00engaged in a mindfulness meditation with
49:03this steak and salad at this point and
49:05as I assess what is left on her plate I
49:07think
49:09this is gonna [ __ ] take her 20-minute
49:11seed
49:12it is 9 30 at night I am exhausted this
49:14is the moment I'm talking about
49:15everybody this is the balance
49:17because the wave of discomfort
49:20comes up in my body
49:22I want to leave I want to go to bed and
49:25I don't want to be a douche I mean here
49:27one of my closest friends is sitting
49:29here enjoying a salad we've been on the
49:31road together I'm like a ride or die
49:33kind of person what kind of a jerk
49:35leaves their female friend alone at a
49:39high top in a bar with a salad that has
49:4285 percent to go in terms of completion
49:46just because they're tired
49:49I do
49:50[Laughter]
49:52Ah that's a joke it's a balancing act I
49:55said to myself
49:57well what's really going to serve me
50:00and what's really going to serve me
50:02because my number one job is to kill it
50:04in that speech tomorrow
50:05is to ask Amy if it would be okay for me
50:09to go upstairs and just go to bed
50:12and I felt that discomfort because the
50:14old Mel would have been like I would
50:16have just sat there because it would be
50:17rude to leave somebody
50:19and oftentimes we don't even ask
50:21we don't even ask and Amy's sitting
50:23right over there so Amy I want you to
50:24get on the mic because I I rode The
50:28Balancing Act I used the tools and I
50:30turned to her because a lot of this is
50:31also about the context and it's about
50:34how you say it's not what you're saying
50:36it's how you say it and so you don't
50:37feel like I'm leaving
50:38out of here [ __ ] that's not what I
50:41said
50:41I just said aim would it be okay
50:45if I head upstairs and go to sleep I'm
50:47exhausted and Amy what was your
50:49experience of this moment as I'm clean
50:51plating it and you've got probably 20
50:53minutes left
50:55yeah I mean you're a fast eater
50:58so that was house number one and I felt
51:02like
51:03when you asked me and you said
51:06you mind if I go upstairs I felt like
51:08thank God because I would not want her
51:11to sit and watch me and my llama eating
51:14habits super slow and just savoring
51:16every bite I wouldn't want that I
51:18wouldn't want that to be the case I want
51:19you to do you and I want me to enjoy my
51:21salad my steak so when I when you notice
51:24that my plate was clean and so is
51:26Melinda's yeah and you still had 20
51:28minutes to go what were you feeling well
51:31I I'm often in this situation I felt
51:34like I know what's going to happen next
51:36they're going to want to leave and I'm
51:38and I'm happy to do that I felt I felt
51:40really happy for you to get what you
51:42needed and I needed to get what I needed
51:44I wanted you to hear that and this is
51:46why you often don't even ask
51:48and Amy was relieved that I asked
51:50because you know what she doesn't want
51:51to sit there
51:53and feel pressure she wanted to enjoy
51:55her salad and that's exactly what she
51:57did Melinda and I went upstairs she sat
51:59there for another 25 minutes bopping and
52:01weaving alone having the best salad of
52:05her life without her annoying friends
52:07sitting there staring at her like she
52:08was some kind of a zoom animal so we all
52:11won
52:12bottom line people pleasing it's not
52:15about the other people it's about you
52:16so notice when it comes up notice that
52:20discomfort
52:22find the strength to say no I'm not
52:25going to sit here with this discomfort
52:26and do something that doesn't serve me
52:28when you have the ability to recognize
52:30this and you have the ability to say no
52:33I'm not going to just fall into line no
52:35means that you're in charge of your life
52:36no strengthens your self-discipline no
52:39keeps your goals and your happiness
52:41front and center it can make you
52:43stronger so that you change patterns and
52:45habits that don't serve you because when
52:47you don't say no you're saying yes to
52:48something else it is powerful when you
52:51say no I am not going to do that I'm
52:54going to ride this uncomfortable wave
52:56and I'm going to do what works for me
52:58and I'm going to know at the end that
53:00you can be disappointed and you're still
53:02going to love me but I'm going to love
53:03myself a little bit more because every
53:05time you say yes to you you are proving
53:07to yourself that you deserve to be happy
53:12you deserve to have support you deserve
53:14to go to bed in Vegas because it's late
53:17and you deserve to have that room back
53:19because you need it and you deserve to
53:21do things that really work for you so
53:25starting today
53:26start saying no start tolerating the
53:29discomfort switch your yes to a pause
53:34and put yourself back in charge your
53:38happiness your life it starts with you
53:40always always always always always
53:44and I know you can do it
53:46and I want you to do it and you don't
53:50have to prove anything to me you got to
53:52prove it to yourself so today when those
53:55uncomfortable emotions rise up and that
53:57Balancing Act it is here
54:00do it
54:01do you
54:02and know that in case
54:05that person's disappointed
54:07remember your friend Mel Robbins I love
54:10you and I believe in you and I believe
54:12in your ability
54:13to create a better life for you
54:16now go do it I'll talk to you in a few
54:18days oh one more thing
54:21it's the legal language
54:23this podcast is presented solely for
54:26educational and entertainment purposes
54:29it is not intended as a substitute for
54:32the advice of a physician professional
54:34coach psychotherapist or other qualified
54:37professionals
54:43foreign
54:49[Music]
54:56thank you so much for being here if you
54:59enjoyed that video bye God please
55:02subscribe because I don't want you to
55:04miss a thing thank you so much for being
55:05here we've got so much amazing stuff
55:07coming thank you so much for sending
55:09this stuff to your friends and your
55:11family I love you we create these videos
55:13for you so make sure you subscribe

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