Stand Up Comedy Only Introverts Will Understand. Paul Snyder — Transcript

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1. 0:00now if you don't mind also give me a
2. 0:02round of applause cuz I am a huge
3. 0:03introvert and I left the house for this
4. 0:06today
5. 0:11so I uh I did my Wordle and then I came
6. 0:14on in so yes uh the introverts they are
7. 0:18my people uh sometimes I'll even ask by
8. 0:21round of applause you know where the
9. 0:23other introverts are in the room
10. 0:25and that got it nailed it just a one
11. 0:30solitary Clap That was
12. 0:32it and they are probably heading home
13. 0:35right now just that was like I I overdid
14. 0:38it that was exhausting I shouldn't have
15. 0:40done that uh I I know I know my my
16. 0:44people aren't going to applaud I know
17. 0:46this they're uh they might give me like
18. 0:48half a head knot and then we're going to
19. 0:50look right back at our shoes where it's
20. 0:51sayfe
21. 0:53that is what my people do but I I feel
22. 0:57like as a as an introvert and a comic I
23. 1:00I I have the just the pleasure of
24. 1:03sharing with the
25. 1:04extroverts what the introverts have been
26. 1:06talking about you
27. 1:08know talking's kind of a strong word I
28. 1:12think but I mean I mean we we have a
29. 1:16group text all right that's that's what
30. 1:19we have but here's here's just something
31. 1:21that we that I I feel like I'd like to
32. 1:23share with you guys that most introverts
33. 1:25uh can agree with and that is that uh
34. 1:28we missco you guys
35. 1:34[Applause]
36. 1:37we that was the Golden
37. 1:41Age of being that was our Normandy you
38. 1:44guys that we we stormed that
39. 1:48beach and then we went home for 3
40. 1:52years and we would do it again
41. 1:55absolutely we would now one thing as an
42. 1:59introvert I will tell you this I I try
43. 2:01to treat everybody the way I want to be
44. 2:03treated you know it's kind of it's the
45. 2:05golden rule that wasn't the punchline
46. 2:08yet but we'll get to
47. 2:09it it it doesn't even matter to me if
48. 2:12you are the CEO of a Fortune 500 company
49. 2:17or just a homeless person on the side of
50. 2:19the road you
51. 2:20know I am not going to talk to either of
52. 2:23you that is
53. 2:27um probably should have led with that
54. 2:30actually I I really tried to spin that
55. 2:33into a noble cause but that didn't that
56. 2:36didn't work uh I I think as an introvert
57. 2:39I'm pretty comfortable with most things
58. 2:41about it but there's one thing I do not
59. 2:43like and that is
60. 2:45confrontation I avoid confrontation at
61. 2:47all costs you know if if if there is
62. 2:50somebody mad at me or who does not like
63. 2:52me at work I would rather go find a new
64. 2:57job than ever have a conversation about
65. 3:00it I I would I'll be at the next job
66. 3:02interview and they'll ask me why I left
67. 3:05that last job and I'll just be like well
68. 3:09I accidentally reheated salmon in the
69. 3:11microwave
70. 3:16and there were some people that did not
71. 3:18like that I'll tell you that
72. 3:21and I am just here for a fresh
73. 3:25start here's how much I know I don't
74. 3:28like confrontation uh I was dating a
75. 3:31girl in college and I didn't think
76. 3:33things were going well I thought it
77. 3:35would be best if we just went our own
78. 3:36separate ways and saw other people and I
79. 3:39I sat her down and I told her that and
80. 3:42she looked back at me and said nah I
81. 3:45don't think
82. 3:49so I'm going to be honest I did not know
83. 3:52that was an
84. 3:55option that had never been an option
85. 3:58when the roles were reversed
86. 4:02first but because I don't like
87. 4:05confrontation I just went along with
88. 4:09it and earlier this year we celebrated
89. 4:12our 25th wedding
90. 4:19anniversary guys I don't I don't know
91. 4:21why you're applauding that is a cry for
92. 4:25help I have been in a hostage situation
93. 4:28that I cannot get out out
94. 4:31of I could not be blinking any
95. 4:34faster I need
96. 4:38help no it's fine I I think there's
97. 4:41probably plenty of times in the last 25
98. 4:43years where she's thought to
99. 4:46herself I probably should have let him
100. 4:48break up with me
101. 4:50that that that is on me you know that
102. 4:53is but we we've made it we have made it
103. 4:56so far uh I know a lot of comics they'll
104. 4:59they'll get up and talk about all the
105. 5:00all the you know the the wonderful
106. 5:02things they have done in life and I
107. 5:04cannot do that I have lived a boring
108. 5:07life I do not have a lot of uh
109. 5:11accomplishments to talk about I I have
110. 5:14still never seen an episode of Game of
111. 5:17Thrones largely because I don't want to
112. 5:20get caught using somebody's HBO Max
113. 5:23password
114. 5:24I I don't need that kind of pressure in
115. 5:27my life right now I don't I don't I I I
116. 5:30went to private school so I I learned
117. 5:33entitlement at a really young age I did
118. 5:36that did that I think maybe the one of
119. 5:38the edgiest things I've ever done I have
120. 5:40finished every round of antibiotic I've
121. 5:44ever been prescribed
122. 5:46that that is as exciting as my life
123. 5:51gets my my high schooler and I though
124. 5:53we're the same size so we can share
125. 5:56clothes which I think is really awesome
126. 5:58because it saves US money
127. 6:00it is just a lot more embarrassing for
128. 6:02her
129. 6:06but but but we can do it we
130. 6:10can uh something else about me I I I
131. 6:13just want you guys to feel safe I have
132. 6:15never been arrested um and I don't I
133. 6:18don't even I don't say that to brag I
134. 6:20know my own limitations you know I do I
135. 6:23I think about consequences all the time
136. 6:25I am not prison material you guys I
137. 6:31I I know this although I I've had
138. 6:34friends say no you you you are prison
139. 6:37material
140. 6:40and and I don't know why they have to
141. 6:42say that with such a big smile on their
142. 6:44face I I don't like their tone actually
143. 6:48I think I should have better friends
144. 6:50than that you know but I I haven't I
145. 6:53have never been arrested although in in
146. 6:55sixth grade some friends dared me to
147. 6:58steal a candy bar with them from from a
148. 7:01gas station and and I went along with it
149. 7:04and I came running out of that gas
150. 7:06station clutching a package of worther
151. 7:12Originals I am not smart enough to do
152. 7:15crime you
153. 7:17guys my my friends came out with Reese's
154. 7:21Peanut Butter Cup and M&M's and I went
155. 7:24for the goto candy of the 80 and over
156. 7:27crowd I
157. 7:29[Applause]
158. 7:31I don't know what my endgame was I don't
159. 7:33I don't know if I was thinking of a Mima
160. 7:35I have no
161. 7:38idea I'm not smart enough for Crime but
162. 7:41I I have always been fascinated by crime
163. 7:45and I I think it's because when I was
164. 7:47young my parents introduced me to a
165. 7:49little show called Murder She Wrote now
166. 7:53I don't I don't know how many have seen
167. 7:55Murder She Wrote in here but uh for just
168. 7:57those of you who haven't um um here's a
169. 8:00quick synopsis it was a mystery of the
170. 8:02week show it all took place in a sleepy
171. 8:05little town called cabat Cove Maine and
172. 8:09sleepy is really the only adjective you
173. 8:12can use to describe a town with that
174. 8:15much murder going
175. 8:17on like they were just not paying
176. 8:20attention at all like I I looked it up
177. 8:23cavat Cove had a population of 3500
178. 8:27people and approximately one person a
179. 8:30week was
180. 8:34murdered that show went on for 12
181. 8:39Seasons so
182. 8:42264 out of 3500 people were murdered in
183. 8:47cabat Cove Maine and I don't know why we
184. 8:50don't talk about this
185. 8:54more cavic Cove Maine is the most
186. 8:57dangerous city in all of America
187. 9:02and and the kicker of it is the police
188. 9:05department did not solve a single one of
189. 9:08those
190. 9:09crimes not a they went over for
191. 9:13264 a 70 year-old retired author was the
192. 9:17only one keeping that town together she
193. 9:19was the only one the only one so that I
194. 9:22think started my fascination with crime
195. 9:26and then and then during covid I started
196. 9:28watching a lot of crime documentaries on
197. 9:30Netflix and I don't know how many other
198. 9:33people went down that rabbit
199. 9:36hole but I went in a little too hard too
200. 9:39fast okay and I messed up my whole
201. 9:43Netflix algorithm you
202. 9:45know it it got to the point I started
203. 9:48getting targeted ads on my phone from
204. 9:50Lowe's and Home
205. 9:54Depot just asking if I need rope or duct
206. 9:58tape you know
207. 10:04and they would bring that to my house I
208. 10:06didn't even have to
209. 10:10leave Google Maps just from Salt l City
210. 10:13here to provos Google Maps showed me
211. 10:16five different places where I could
212. 10:19dispose of a
213. 10:20body you know and I I I put a pen in
214. 10:24those I don't I don't know I don't know
215. 10:26what's going to happen here tonight I
216. 10:27just
217. 10:30this could go downhill at any moment I
218. 10:32don't know