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Simon Sinek: Why Leaders Eat Last — Transcript

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0:01[Music]
0:20so the date
0:22is August 16th
0:252002 and flying over a valley in
0:30Afghanistan are two A10 warthogs an A10
0:35is a heavily armored low flying slow
0:40aircraft designed to provide ground
0:42cover for troops on the ground and on
0:45this night it's a very very cloudy night
0:47the storms in the area and these two
0:49planes hanging up above just waiting in
0:51case anybody down below needs
0:53help up there it's gorgeous the Moon is
0:56is bright there's thousands of stars in
0:59the sky
1:01the clouds looked like the snow had just
1:04fallen down below in the valley however
1:06there were 22 Special Forces Special
1:08Operations forces troops trying to make
1:11their way through the country and they
1:13could feel that something was wrong they
1:15could feel they felt
1:17uneasy one of the pilots up above call
1:20sign Johnny Bravo and yes he stands like
1:24this he could feel their unease
1:27listening to them over the radio so he
1:28decides he was going to go down below
1:30the cloud and just have a look he tells
1:32his wingman hang out up here I'll go see
1:35what there is and he points his plane
1:37down into the clouds and as he's going
1:39through the clouds the call comes over
1:41the radio troops in contact troops in
1:44contact is what they say when they come
1:45under effective fire it means they're in
1:48trouble so now Johnny Bravo points his
1:50plane straight down the plan's getting
1:52thrashed about in the
1:55turbulence and when he comes out below
1:58the clouds he's less than 1,000 ft off
2:00the ground and he's flying in a valley
2:03Cliffs on both sides now this is only
2:052002 and the planes were not yet
2:08equipped with ground hugging radar and
2:11worse they were using old Russian maps
2:13that's all they had at the time and the
2:15sight that greets him is something like
2:17he's never seen before not in training
2:19and not in the movies he sees Tracer
2:22fire fire coming from all sides of the
2:23valley pointed right in the middle where
2:25the American forces are and so he picks
2:27a point and starts to lay down
2:29suppressing fire
2:30and he's flying and he's in danger of
2:32hitting the Cliff of course he knows his
2:34speed he knows his distance from the map
2:35and he literally counts out loud while
2:37he lays down the suppressing fire 1
2:391,000 2 1,000 3 1,000 4 1,000 5 1,000
2:42pulls hard on the stick pulls back up
2:44into the cloud comes down around again 1
2:461,000 2 1,000 3 1,000 4 1,000 Good Hits
2:49good hits it says over his radio and
2:50again he comes around 1 1,000 2 1,000 3
2:531,000 4 1,000 5,000 he runs out of
2:56ammunition fuel is fine flies back up to
2:59the top of the cloud
3:00tells his wingman you need to get down
3:02there his wingman isn't sure about the
3:05condition so the two of them fly back
3:06down together his wingman lays down the
3:09suppressing fire and Johnny Bravo counts
3:11as they fly three feet apart from each
3:13other Wing to Wi 1 1,00 2 1,000 3 1,000
3:164 1,000 5 1,000 up and around again 1
3:181,000 2 1,000 3 1,000 4 1,000 5
3:211,000 that night 22 Americans went home
3:24alive with zero
3:27casualties my question is is where do
3:30people like Johnny Bravo come
3:32from who are they who would risk their
3:36lives for others so that may they may
3:39survive I asked Johnny Bravo I asked him
3:43why why would you do it why would you
3:45risk your life so That Others May
3:46survive and he gave me the same answer
3:48that everybody in his position gives
3:50because they would have done it for me
3:53now if you think about it in the
3:54military they give medals to people who
3:56are willing to sacrifice themselves so
3:58that others May gain and business we
4:00give bonuses to people who are willing
4:01to sacrifice others so that we may
4:03gain we have it backwards wouldn't you
4:07like to work in an organization in which
4:08you have the absolute confidence the
4:10absolute knowledge that other people
4:11that you may or may not know who work in
4:13the same organization as you would be
4:14willing to sacrifice themselves so that
4:16you may survive and in and I'm not
4:19talking about giving your life I mean we
4:20don't even like to give up
4:22credit you
4:26know so where do people like Johnny
4:28Bravo come from
4:31well it's an age-old question they're
4:32not born they're actually made if you
4:35look at the human animal the human
4:37animal is like a machine there are
4:39systems inside our bodies that are
4:40trying to get us to do things that are
4:42in the interest of the survival of the
4:44human animal right um just like in an
4:46IND in a business in a company if you
4:48want people to do something you offer
4:50them some sort of positive or negative
4:51incentive to direct the behavior right
4:53so if you want people to achieve a
4:54certain goal you offer them a bonus if
4:56they achieve that goal and they'll work
4:58towards that goal because they want the
4:59bonus it's a very simple system the
5:01human body works exactly the same way it
5:04works exactly the same way inside our
5:06bodies are chemicals that are trying to
5:09get us to do things that are in the best
5:10interest of us if you've ever ever had a
5:13feeling of Happiness Pride Joy love
5:18fulfillment all of these feelings that
5:20we have are chemically produced feelings
5:23and they're produced by four chemicals
5:26predominantly these are basically
5:28responsible for all of the feelings that
5:30I would generically call happiness they
5:32are endorphins dopamine serotonin and
5:36oxytocin
5:39Edo these two chemicals endorphins and
5:42dopamine I like to call these the
5:43selfish chemicals because you don't
5:44really need anybody's help to get them
5:47right let me tell you let me tell you a
5:48little bit about what they
5:50are endorphins endorphins are designed
5:53to do one thing and one thing only mask
5:56physical
5:58pain that's it that's what they do if
6:01you if you're a runner if you've ever
6:02gone and done heavy exercise you've
6:03heard of an endorphin rush or a runner's
6:05high basically what's happening is when
6:07that Runners is out there pushing their
6:08bodies harder than they've ever pushed
6:10before they feel good and when they're
6:13done with their run they feel
6:15fantastic and then an hour later they're
6:17in pain for damage they caused their
6:19muscles an hour before right this is
6:22what endorphins are designed to do
6:23they're designed to mask physical pain
6:25the caveman reason for this stuff
6:27because this stuff was all from 50,000
6:28years ago understand Homo Sapien existed
6:32at the same time as other homed species
6:34and yet we survived and they didn't what
6:36is it about this species that's so good
6:38at survival and thriving look at the
6:40world we've built it's not just that
6:43we're smart we're certainly not the
6:45strongest and we're certainly not the
6:46smartest it's that we're social animals
6:49we have to do things together together
6:51we have to look after each other and we
6:53have to work together to ensure that we
6:55survive that we do well this is how
6:57we're designed right
7:00these chemicals are trying to make that
7:02happen so in these caveman times 50,000
7:05years ago Paleolithic
7:08Era we had to eat we're not the
7:10strongest we're not the fastest but
7:11there's one thing that the human animal
7:13is made for endurance we could track an
7:16animal for hours and hours and hours and
7:18miles and miles and miles and if we were
7:19tired we'd keep going and if we got
7:21injured or we had to bring the food back
7:23to the cave we'd continue to do it and
7:25it was so good it felt so good that
7:27maybe we'd even volunteer to go hunting
7:29the next day just like we get addicted
7:31to exercise right oh my God it was so
7:32much fun yesterday I will totally go
7:34hunting tomorrow right good system for
7:37the survival of the group good system by
7:40the way the reason laughing feels good
7:43is because of endorphins you're actually
7:45convulsing your internal organs and
7:47endorphins are masking the physical pain
7:49I'm sure everybody here has laughed so
7:51much that the endorphins eventually run
7:52out you go stop stop it
7:55hurts endorphins they feel good dopamine
8:00dopamine is the feeling uh that you
8:03found something you're looking for or
8:04that you accomplished something you set
8:05out to accomplish so you know that
8:07feeling you get when you cross something
8:08off your to-do list that's dopamine
8:11feels awesome you know when you when you
8:13have a goal to to hit and you achieve
8:15that goal you're like yes you feel like
8:17you've won something right that's
8:18dopamine the whole purpose of dopamine
8:21is to make sure that we get stuff done
8:23right um the uh the historical reason
8:26for dopamine we would never eat if we
8:29only waited to get till we got hungry
8:31because there's no guarantee that we
8:32would find food so dopamine exists to
8:35help us go looking for food we get
8:36dopamine when we eat which is one of the
8:38reasons we like eating and so when you
8:40see something that reminds you of
8:42something that feels good we want to do
8:43the behavior that helps us get that
8:45feeling right so let's say you're out
8:47there going for a walk and you see an
8:48apple tree in the distance you get a
8:50small hit of dopamine and then what it
8:52does is it focuses us on our goals and
8:54now we start walking towards the apple
8:56tree and as The Apple Tree starts to get
8:58a little bigger we feel like we're
9:00making progress you get another little
9:01shot of dopamine and another little shot
9:03of dopamine until you get to the tree
9:04and you're like yes okay this is why
9:07we're told you must write down your
9:09goals your goals must be tangible
9:12there's a there's a biological reason
9:13for that we we're very very visually
9:15oriented animals you have to be able to
9:17see the goal for it to biologically stay
9:20focused right if you don't write down
9:23your goals if you can't see your goals
9:25it's very hard to get motivated to get
9:27inspired for example think about
9:29corporate Visions right a corporate
9:31Vision do have to be something we can
9:33see right that's why it's called a
9:35vision you can see it right to be the
9:38biggest most respected to be the fastest
9:41growing are not Visions they're nothing
9:44right what does that even look like
9:46respected by whom your mother yourself
9:48your friends your shareholders who knows
9:51what's the metric don't know it's a
9:53morphus doesn't motivate us just like I
9:56can't tell you you will get a bonus if
9:58you achieve more
10:00you're going to ask me how much more I'm
10:02going to say more doesn't work you need
10:06a tangible goal you need a tangible goal
10:08right here's a great vision Martin
10:11Luther King I Have a
10:12Dream that one day little black children
10:16and little white children will play on
10:17the playground together and hold hands
10:19together we can imagine that we can set
10:21our sights on that and every time we
10:23achieve a goal and achieve a metric and
10:25achieve a milestone that makes us feel
10:27like we're making progress to the go the
10:29vision we can see we keep going and
10:31going and going until we achieve
10:32something remarkable you have to be able
10:34to see it
10:37dopamine like I said dopamine is the
10:39feeling you get when you set out to find
10:41something you're looking for as well
10:43talked about the to-do list I came home
10:46from a trip just a couple days ago and I
10:48had a bunch of errands to run and I
10:50wrote down a little list of things I had
10:51to do and off I went right and as I was
10:55walking past I think it was the drag I
10:56don't remember I was walking past
10:58something I remembered oh I have to do
11:00that and I hadn't written it down on my
11:01I hadn't written down on my to-do list
11:02so I went in and finished what I needed
11:04to do and then when I came out I then
11:06wrote it on my to-do list and then
11:08crossed it
11:10out cuz I wanted the dopamine feels
11:14good dopamine comes with a
11:17warning dopamine is highly highly highly
11:23addictive here are some other things
11:25that release dopamine alcohol nicotin
11:30gambling your cell
11:33phone oh you think I'm joking okay we've
11:36all been told that uh you know uh if you
11:40wake up in the morning and you crave a
11:42drink you might be an alcoholic well if
11:45you wake up in the morning the first
11:46thing you do is check your phone before
11:47you even get out of
11:48bed you might be an addict if you walk
11:52from room to room in your own apartment
11:54holding your telephone
12:01you might be an addict when you're
12:03driving in your car and you get a text
12:06and your phone goes beep we we hate
12:08email true we love the beep the buzz the
12:11ding
12:13oh right you'll be there in 10 minutes
12:16and yet you have to look at it right now
12:19you might be an addict and even if you
12:21read it and it says are you free for
12:22dinner next Thursday and you have to
12:24reply immediately you can't wait the 10
12:26minutes you might be an addict and for
12:29all you Gen Y out there who like to
12:30think that you're better at multitasking
12:32because you grew up with the technology
12:33then why do you keep crashing your cars
12:35when you're
12:37texting you're not you're not better at
12:39multitasking you're better at getting
12:41distracted in fact if you look at the
12:43statistics ADD and ADHD have diagnoses
12:47of ADD and ADHD have risen 66% in the
12:49past 10 years okay ADD and ADHD is a
12:53frontal lobe disorder right are you
12:55telling me out of nowhere 66% of our
12:58youth have a frontal Globe problem where
13:00did that come from no it's a
13:02misdiagnosis right what what are the
13:04what are the symptoms of a dopamine
13:05addiction to technology distractability
13:08inability to uh to get things done
13:11easily easily distracted you know
13:13shortness of attention it's all the same
13:15things so we misdiagnose things it's
13:18this it's the addictive quality of
13:20dopamine we can also get addicted to
13:22Performance in our companies when all
13:24they do is give us numbers to hit
13:25numbers to hit numbers to hit and a
13:27bonus you get and a bonus you get and a
13:28bonus you get all they're doing is
13:30feeding us with dopamine and we can't
13:31help ourselves all we do is want more
13:33more more it's no surprise that the
13:35banks destroyed the economy because one
13:38of the things we know about dopamine
13:39addict is they will do anything to get
13:40another hit sometimes at the sacrifice
13:42of their own resources and their
13:43relationships ask any alcoholic gambling
13:45addict or or drug addict ask ask them
13:48how their relationships are doing and if
13:49they've squandered any of their
13:50resources it's an addiction dopamine is
13:54dangerous if it is unbalanced it is
13:57hugely helpful when in a comfortable and
14:00balanced system but when
14:02unbalanced it's dangerous and it's
14:05destructive you don't need anybody's
14:07help to get these go for a run achieve
14:09your goals you'll get dopamine you'll
14:12get endorphins but you won't have any
14:14feeling of fulfillment or love or trust
14:16that's where these come in these are
14:18attempting to manage these this is what
14:20makes our society great this is where
14:22people like Johnny Bravo come from it's
14:25because of these two chemicals that
14:27leaders really fulfill their great
14:29responsibility outside in the world is
14:33danger at all times for various reasons
14:36in caveman times that danger may have
14:39been you know a saber-tooth tiger it may
14:42have been the weather it may have been a
14:43lack of resources it may have been who
14:45knows any number of things things that
14:47with no conscience are trying to kill
14:50you they want to end your life and so
14:52how do we survive we work together and
14:56together we come together in our groups
14:58in our companies and our tribes to feel
15:01like we belong to be around people who
15:03believe what we believe so that we may
15:05feel
15:07safe when we're surrounded by people who
15:09have our best interests in mind and we
15:11feel safe we will organize ourselves and
15:13cooperate to face the dangers externally
15:15don't forget the outside dangers are a
15:17constant in a modern world the outside
15:19dangers may be your competition that's
15:21trying to put you out of business or at
15:22least steal your business it might be
15:24the es and flows of the economy it might
15:27be terrorism all of these unknown is all
15:29trying to put you out of business take
15:30away your job take away your livelihood
15:32end it for you nothing personal it's a
15:35constant inside our organizations the
15:38dangers we Face are not a constant they
15:41are a variable and they are the
15:43decisions of leadership as to how safe
15:46they make us feel when we go to work
15:49this is the job of
15:51leaders asop said it better than I can
15:55there's an asop fable about four oxen
15:58that stand tail to tail and whenever the
16:00lion tries to eat them no matter what
16:02angle from which he attacks he will
16:04always be met with
16:05horns however due to infighting and
16:08disagreements they separate and they go
16:11and graze in different parts of the
16:13field and one by one the lion picks them
16:15off and kills them
16:17all when we stand
16:20together we can more easily face the
16:22dangers outside when we break up inside
16:25our companies if our leaders don't allow
16:27us a space to feel safe inside our own
16:28own companies to feel like we belong
16:31then we have to we're forced to exert
16:33our own energy to protect ourselves from
16:35each other and by the way expose
16:37ourselves to Greater Danger from the
16:39outside if you have to worry about
16:41politics if you have to worry about
16:42someone stealing your credit if you have
16:44to worry about your boss not having your
16:46back think about the energy you invest
16:48not in your business not in the products
16:50you're trying to develop not in your
16:52work not in how great you're producing
16:54not in your creativity but in just
16:56keeping yourself feeling safe
16:58is
17:00destructive the responsibility of
17:02leadership is two things one to
17:04determine who gets in and who doesn't
17:06get in this is what it means to start
17:08with why what are our values what are
17:09our beliefs who can we allow in second
17:12thing is to decide how big this is how
17:15big do we make the circle of safety how
17:17big do we make the circle of belonging
17:19do we keep it around just our sea- level
17:21Executives and call it an inner circle
17:23and allow others to try and fend for
17:25themselves and may be try and get into
17:27our Inner Circle
17:29or do we extend it to the outermost
17:31edges of the organization great leaders
17:33extend the circle of safety the circle
17:35of belonging out to the outermost edges
17:37so the most Junior person feels like
17:40they belong feels safe feels like they
17:44have top cover from somebody like Johnny
17:46Bravo that's what these other two
17:48chemicals are trying to
17:51do serotonin is the leadership chemical
17:54is the responsible for feelings of Pride
17:58and
17:59status when you this is why public
18:02recognition is very important we are
18:03social animals and we need the
18:06recognition of others this is why we
18:08have the Oscars and this is why we have
18:09public Awards uh events this is why we
18:12have commencement for graduation I mean
18:15think about it what does it really take
18:17to get to graduate college you need to
18:19pay your bills fulfill the minimum
18:21requirements and and and collect enough
18:23credits that's it right it's a formula
18:26you could get an email that says
18:27congratulations you fulfilled all the
18:29requirements for graduation in close
18:32please print out the PDF of your
18:34diploma PS Magna Kum laa right wouldn't
18:38feel so good right so instead we have a
18:40big ceremony to recognize the
18:43accomplishment and in the audience we
18:45put our family and our friends and our
18:47teachers all of those in our tribe
18:49who've supported us and watched our
18:51backs as we've made it through and then
18:53we show up on that day and we go up on
18:55that stage and we take our diploma it
18:57feels great we feel our status rise we
19:00feel our pride go up and by the way when
19:02you have serotonin in your veins your
19:04confidence goes up also and here's the
19:07best part about serotonin at the exact
19:10moment that you took your diploma and
19:12you felt that surge of Serotonin go
19:14through your body at the exact moment
19:16your parents sitting in the audience
19:18also got a surge of Serotonin and also
19:20felt an intense Pride watching you
19:22graduate and this is what serotonin is
19:24trying to do it is trying to reinforce
19:27the relationship between parent and
19:29child boss and employee coach and player
19:33the caregiver and the one who is is is
19:36grateful for the support they are given
19:38and think about it think of the speeches
19:41that we we give if you give an award to
19:43somebody what do they say I couldn't
19:44have done it I thank God I thank my
19:46parents I thank my coach we thank the
19:48person who we believe was looking out
19:50for us we could not have done this
19:53without them we say and they look at us
19:55and they say so proud of you and we work
19:58to make them proud great teams don't
20:01want to win the trophy great teams want
20:02to win one for the coach they want to
20:04make the coach proud We want to make our
20:07parents proud and it raises our status
20:10and it raises our confidence and it
20:12feels good and we in turn will look
20:14after others so that they may accomplish
20:15the same this is what serotonin is
20:17trying desperately to do the problem is
20:21you can trick serotonin we live in a
20:23materialist Society so we judge status
20:26very often in our country based on how
20:28much you make right so any conspicuous
20:31display of wealth raises your status
20:34this is why they put the logos on the
20:36outside no good on the inside nobody can
20:39see them we want the red line of our of
20:43our PR glasses how good you you own a
20:45pair of designer shoes how good does it
20:47feel to put on your Gucci shoes oh my
20:49god it feels so good you walk out and
20:51you feel a million bucks you can
20:52actually feel your confidence rise when
20:54you put on you put on the stuff right
20:56because it's showing this display of
20:58status it feels great the problem is
21:00there was no real Rel relationship that
21:02was reinforced because of it you tricked
21:04the system that's why we keep trying to
21:06accomplish things and accumulate more
21:08and more material goods and yet we never
21:10feel successful because there was no
21:13relationship we tricked it we gained it
21:16serotonin is the leadership chemical the
21:19reason I call it the leadership chemical
21:20is a historical reason a very simple
21:23historical reason we had a very
21:25practical problem as our animal was
21:27developing as the homo sapian was
21:28develing in we lived in communities of
21:31about 100 and 150 people and there's a
21:35very practical issue which is if we're
21:36hungry and somebody brings back food and
21:38drop a carcass on the floor we're all
21:40going to rush in to eat and if you're
21:43lucky enough to be built like a
21:44linebacker you will elbow your way to
21:46the front and if you're the artistic one
21:48of the
21:51family you get the elbow in the face not
21:55a good system to keep the whole tribe
21:57alive and definitely not a good system
21:59for cooperation because remember the
22:01value of group living means that if I
22:04trust you and you trust me I can fall
22:06asleep at night and trust that you will
22:08alert me to danger if I don't trust you
22:10I can't go to sleep at night it's the
22:12same in our companies if we trust each
22:14other we will turn our backs we will
22:15take risks we will innovate we will do
22:17things that will change the course of
22:18our world if I don't trust you I can't
22:21do that I can't do that there's value in
22:23group living and group working and so if
22:25you got an elbow in the face that
22:26afternoon ODS are very high that you're
22:28not going to wake the guy who punched
22:30you if danger there you're just not
22:32going to do it bad system and so we
22:34evolved into hierarchical animals we're
22:38constantly assessing and judging each
22:39other constantly arranging ourselves
22:41who's the alpha who's the dominant who's
22:44the one who sort of is the is the is the
22:46more dominant personality or dominant uh
22:49uh talent in the room in caveman times
22:51it might have been physical muscle in a
22:53creative industry it might be talent in
22:55you know in the military it might be
22:57courage there's no standard by which we
23:00uh judge Alphas it's relative to the
23:01industries we're in and it's relative to
23:04us as well if you've ever met someone
23:06and you were nervous while you were
23:08meeting them you're not the
23:10alpha we've all had the experience where
23:13we're meeting somebody and we can sense
23:14that they're nervous meeting us you're
23:16the
23:16alpha I'll tell you a little aside
23:19that's kind of funny you know when women
23:21all live together their uh menstrual
23:23cycles um align right assuming they're
23:27not on the pill then it doesn't work
23:29right but if they're not on the pill
23:30that all the menstrual cycles go
23:32together on the same schedule it's not
23:35arbitrary they always align with the
23:37alpha females schedule and the reason is
23:40is because when a woman is in her
23:41menstrual cycle she can't bear children
23:43and so in evolutionary terms you want
23:45the alpha male and the alpha female to
23:47to do it so you can have Alpha children
23:48right nice strong strapping kids are
23:50going to survive but if she's off the
23:51market that produces competition so
23:53Mother Nature has in created a very
23:56clever way that when she's off the
23:57market everyone's off the market
24:05back to the
24:08talk so we're constantly judging and
24:11assessing each other who's Alpha right
24:13and what we do is when we assess that
24:14someone else is the alpha we voluntarily
24:17take a step back and allow them to eat
24:20first Alphas get first choice of meat
24:22and first choice of mate good system
24:25good system the alpha gets eat first the
24:27rest of us may not get the best cut meat
24:28but we will get to eat eventually and we
24:30won't get an elbow in the face good
24:32system we'll happily alert them to
24:33Danger later good system this is why
24:36we're constantly trying to raise our
24:38status is because there are benefits to
24:40being the alpha people will do things
24:42for us and step back and offer us favors
24:45right we we're and we to this day we're
24:48perfectly comfortable giving special
24:50treatment to our Alphas no one has a
24:53problem that your boss makes more money
24:55than you you might think he's an ass but
24:58you don't have a problem that he makes
24:59more money nobody has a problem that
25:01somebody outrank who outranks us at work
25:04has a bigger office than us doesn't
25:06offend us it is deeply ingrained in us
25:08we happily step aside and allow our
25:11Alpha's first choice of meat and first
25:13choice of mate it's good to be the king
25:15there are advantages that come with
25:16being the alpha you get special
25:18treatment you get to eat first people
25:19show you love and respect it boosts the
25:21serotonin you walk around like this it
25:23boosts your confidence it's
25:25awesome but comes at a cost
25:29you see the group is not stupid we're
25:32not giving all of that stuff away for
25:33free leadership Alpha comes at a cost
25:38you see we expect that when danger
25:41threatens us from the
25:44outside that the person who's actually
25:47stronger the person who's better fed and
25:50the person who is actually teaming with
25:53serotonin and actually has higher
25:54confidence than the rest of us we expect
25:56them to run towards the danger to
25:58protect protect us this is what it means
26:00to be a leader the cost of leadership is
26:02self-interest if you're not willing to
26:04give up your perks when it matters then
26:06you probably shouldn't get promoted you
26:08might be an authority but you will not
26:10be a leader leadership comes at a cost
26:12you don't get to do less work when you
26:14get more senior you have to do more work
26:16and the more work you have to do is put
26:17yourself at risk to look after others
26:20that is the anthropological definition
26:22of what a leader
26:24is this is why we're so offended by
26:27these bankr boys who pay themselves
26:29astronomical salaries it has nothing to
26:32do with the number it has to do with the
26:35fact that they have violated a
26:37deep-seated social contract we know that
26:40they made all of that money and allowed
26:43their people to be sacrificed in fact
26:45they may have sacrificed their people
26:47for the money if I told you we're going
26:49to give $150
26:51million to Nelson Mandela would anyone
26:54have a problem with
26:56that nope $250 million to Mother Teresa
27:00got an issue with it no it's not the
27:03number it's not the amount of money they
27:05make it's that we are deeply and
27:07viscerally offended that we know that we
27:09allowed them to have this alpha position
27:11and they did not fulfill their
27:12responsibility of the alpha they're
27:13supposed to sa sacrifice themselves for
27:15us never sacrifice us for themselves
27:18this is why we're angry and offended and
27:20don't trust them they fail
27:28oh there's
27:33more oxytocin this is the best chemical
27:36of
27:37all oxytocin is the feeling of
27:40love and
27:42trust and friendship it's all the warm
27:44and fuzzies it's all the unicorns and
27:46rainbows it's the reason we like to
27:48spend time with our friends even if we
27:50don't do anything with them we just sit
27:51and watch TV we love their company I
27:54promise you nearly every single person
27:56sitting in this room today chose the
27:58person they're sitting next to you're
28:00not sitting next to a stranger you're
28:01sitting next to somebody you met came
28:03with or or kind of know a little bit why
28:06because it makes you feel safer doesn't
28:08it if you got up and went and sat next
28:10to strangers wouldn't feel so good
28:12that's the feeling of oxytocin oxytocin
28:14is that intense feeling of safety that
28:15someone's got your back there are
28:17multiple ways you can get oxytocin one
28:20way to get it is physical contact
28:22hugging feels
28:24wonderful right this when women uh give
28:27birth to children
28:28huge surge of oxytocin in their body
28:31this is what's responsible for the
28:32mother parent the the mother child Bond
28:35right it's all that oxytocin in the
28:37system um this is why shaking hands
28:39matters imagine you're doing a deal with
28:42someone and you're ready to sign the
28:44contract and you say I'm so excited to
28:46do business with you and they go I don't
28:47need to shake let's sign the contract
28:49I'm also excited to do business with you
28:50you go great well let's shake on it then
28:52they go no no no no I agree to all the
28:53terms let's get this this deal done I
28:55can't wait to work with you there you
28:58might get everything you want in the
28:59contract but business relationships are
29:03not rational they're about feeling safe
29:05they're about feeling we belong it's
29:07human and one of the ways we want to
29:09know that that relationship is
29:11solidified is with physical touch there
29:14simple refusal to touch you to exchange
29:17that oxytocin means one of two things
29:19will happen you will either completely
29:21Scuttle the deal or you will go into it
29:24nervous human bonds matter
29:28another way you can get oxytocin is
29:31through acts of human
29:33generosity an act of human generosity is
29:35defined is giving of your time and
29:37energy and expecting nothing in return
29:40money doesn't work sorry if I told you
29:43that this morning I gave $1,000 to
29:45charity what would you think of me you'd
29:47be
29:48like good for you what do you want to
29:52medal but if I told you that last
29:54Saturday I gave up my day and I went and
29:56painted schools in the Inner City then
29:58what would you think you'd be like nice
30:00cool I should do more
30:03right the the value of my labor much
30:06less than $1,000 could have hired many
30:08more people for $1,000 to go paint
30:10schools in the inner city but you see as
30:12human beings we put a premium on time
30:16because it is an equal commodity and it
30:18is a non-redeemable commodity you spend
30:20money you make money you spend time
30:21you'll never get it back some of you are
30:23sitting in this room right now saying I
30:24will never get this time back
30:28I got nothing for
30:30you so we put a premium on people who
30:33give us their time and energy a leader
30:35who says to you I'll pay for something
30:37for you is not a leader a leader comes
30:39and sits down next to you and says how
30:41can I help you is a leader I was talking
30:44to some um oil Executives and they were
30:47trying to convince me that they really
30:48care about um how fulfilled and how
30:50happy their employees are at work to
30:52which I said no you don't and they said
30:55no we do and I said no you don't and
30:57they said yeah we do you see how this
30:59went and I said I bet you hired some
31:02high- price consultancy to come and do a
31:05web survey about whether people like
31:06their jobs or not and they said well we
31:09didn't hire a
31:10consultancy I said okay so it's kind of
31:12like sending your son an email right
31:15dear son your mother and I care that you
31:17feel like a valuable part of this family
31:20please tell us candidly what we can do
31:22better so that you feel like you belong
31:24here because we really love you love Dad
31:28or you go into his room you sit on his
31:30bed and you say hey son your mom and I
31:32really care that you feel like a
31:33valuable member of this family please
31:35tell us candidly what we can do better
31:37because we want you to feel like you
31:38belong and we really love you same words
31:41same intention same desire the
31:44difference is one you gave time and
31:45energy and the other one you didn't this
31:46is the problem with email it's too easy
31:49it's too easy there's no time and energy
31:51expended it's too easy don't feel
31:52anything if I come to your house for
31:54dinner and you make me a lovely dinner
31:56the next day I send you a very ni thank
31:58you email what a wonderful host you are
32:00or 3 days later you receive a
32:02handwritten note from me with the exact
32:04same words that were written in the
32:05email which one makes you feel better
32:08handwritten note the sentiment was the
32:10same the words were the same the
32:11difference is one took a little more
32:12time and a little more energy leaders
32:15are the ones who give us their time and
32:17give us their energy not the ones who
32:19give us their money it doesn't count
32:20doesn't work just biologically doesn't
32:22work this is how you get oxytocin doing
32:25nice things for people that require that
32:28you sacrifice a little bit of time a
32:30little bit of energy something you will
32:32never get back and if you expect
32:34something in return then you weren't
32:35really giving in the first place you
32:36take someone out for dinner because you
32:37want them to hire you you're not really
32:39taking them out for dinner you want
32:40something in return it's just a pro
32:42protracted transaction it's not
32:44relationship building it's
32:45nonsense I was walking down the streets
32:47of New York true story and the guy in
32:50front of me his backpack opened a bunch
32:52of paper fil Spilled Out on the on the
32:53street didn't think much of it I bent
32:55down GED the papers up handed them back
32:58to him and pointed out that his bag had
32:59opened I did a small Act of generosity
33:01for somebody I got a small burst of
33:03oxytocin I felt good also the person on
33:06the receiving end of the act of
33:09generosity feels good they get a shot of
33:11oxytocin he felt good he says
33:14thanks I get to the end of the block and
33:16I'm standing waiting to cross the street
33:19and a guy who also happens to be
33:20standing waiting to cross the street
33:21turns around true story turns around and
33:23says to me I saw what you did back there
33:26that was really cool
33:30as it turns
33:31out witnessing acts of human generosity
33:35release oxytocin remember our bodies are
33:38trying to get us to repeat behaviors
33:40that are in our best interest and it's
33:42making us feel good when we see or do
33:45acts of human generosity so that we will
33:48do them in fact the more oxytocin you
33:51have in your body the more generous you
33:53actually become in other words the more
33:55you do the more you want to do it gets
33:58better than that lots of oxytocin in
34:00your body inhibits
34:02addiction it makes it very difficult to
34:05get addicted to something when you have
34:06lots of oxytocin in your body it
34:07actually inhibits addiction it boosts
34:09your immune system it makes you
34:12healthier that's why happy people live
34:14longer it's why couples live
34:17longer oxytocin it actually is good for
34:20us it increases our ability to solve
34:23problems it increases our
34:25creativity it's really good for us and
34:28it's not addictive it just feels great
34:30it takes time to build up though you
34:32know if I I went on a date with a girl
34:34the other day it was a first date we
34:36totally got along great we're going to
34:37get
34:38married why are you laughing that's my
34:40social
34:42life the reason you laugh is because you
34:45inherently know that I cannot form a
34:48bond of trust strong enough to get
34:50married in 7even days you know that why
34:52don't you go on a couple more dayses
34:54right inherently you know that right but
34:56if I told you that I've been dating some
34:57for S Years and we're not married yet
34:59what do you say what's
35:02wrong in other words we know that that
35:04Bond of trust takes more than seven days
35:06and less than seven years don't know how
35:07long it takes though so when you start a
35:10new job and you're really excited to
35:11work there and they're really excited to
35:13have you don't quite feel like you
35:15belong you don't quite feel like you're
35:16trusted yet right even though you were
35:18really excited they really ex it takes
35:19time and you have to do little acts of
35:21generosity and make little sacrifices do
35:23little things for people not big risks
35:24small risks it's like dating you know
35:27you don't start by buying them a diamond
35:30you start by taking them for lunch
35:33buying them a drink you know little bits
35:36then they take you out or they you take
35:37them out again you do something a little
35:38bigger then you do that in a movie then
35:39they come over and then you buy them
35:41flowers and then you say I love you and
35:43one day you wake up in the morning it's
35:44like you press this belief button you're
35:46just I I'm in love I don't know when it
35:49happened just clicks and you feel like
35:51you belong same thing at work same thing
35:53at work it just clicks and you feel like
35:55you belong cuz you got enough oxytocin
35:57built up in your system we don't allow
35:59this to happen we're too busy sending
36:01emails we're too busy sending emails the
36:03next time you want to tell somebody
36:04something email is fantastic for the
36:06exchange of information right it's
36:07fantastic here's the report you wanted
36:10the meeting's at 4:00 fantastic what did
36:13you think of my idea do not reply on an
36:16email that's an emotional question email
36:19is a rational tool you get up from your
36:21desk you walk the 30 ft and you say
36:26wanted to tell you what I thought of
36:28your idea and I promise you not only
36:30will that information be better received
36:31but you will start to create
36:33relationship because oxytocin starts to
36:34get
36:35released if you can't get up and walk
36:3730t pick up the telephone I've done it
36:40it's an amazing thing you pick up the
36:41phone you go hey they're like hey what's
36:43the matter they're like no I'm just I'm
36:45just replying to your
36:49email wanted to tell you what I
36:53thought
36:56what and people tell me but I need a
36:58paper trail have the conversation hang
37:00up and say just to confirm what we
37:01talked about boom there's your paper
37:02trail the reason we get so many emails
37:05is because we reply to them all and 12
37:07emails are sent and then somebody
37:09misunderstands something and somebody
37:10gets angry and then you have to pick up
37:11the phone and deal with it anyway do it
37:13at the beginning quicker easier
37:16better
37:19biology give your time and give your
37:21energy and this is why leadership is
37:23really difficult because you can't give
37:25it to everyone because you don't have
37:26enough to give to everyone you just
37:27can't you have to make sure that you can
37:30trust others to trust others to trust
37:31others to trust others and this is what
37:33happens in the circle of belonging in
37:35the circle of safety this is what
37:37effective bureaucracy is which is as the
37:40CEO as the leader or whatever your job
37:43is you have one responsibility and one
37:45responsibility only which is to make
37:47sure the people you know that you have
37:48physical contact with you know their
37:50names are confident and feel looked
37:52after and encourage them to do the same
37:54for the ones who work beneath them who
37:56work beneath them who work them and when
37:58this group of people really feels safe
38:01then they will invite in the customer to
38:03also feel safe they will talk to these
38:06people as if they are human I actually
38:09flew on a an airline recently and I it
38:11was I was appalled at how I was treated
38:12it was disgusting it was like cattle
38:15right and I said something I said why do
38:17you treat people like cattle and she
38:19literally said to me I'm sorry sir I
38:22have to do it or I'll lose my job what
38:24did she tell me my organiz that I work
38:28for doesn't make me feel safe I don't
38:29feel like like I belong so I'm going to
38:31treat you like dirt to protect myself as
38:34opposed to somebody who feels safe it
38:35says sir I will do everything in my
38:36power to make sure that you feel happy
38:38and good because I'm not worried that's
38:41called a highly effective
38:43organization there's one more chemical I
38:45haven't told you
38:47about the Big
38:51C
38:54cortisol cortisol is the feeling of
38:56stress and and the feeling of
38:59anxiety we share these chemicals with
39:01all the social
39:03mammals and so when you see a herd of
39:05gazelle you've all seen the documentary
39:07on Discovery or whatever right see a
39:08heard of
39:10gazelle grazing and one of them thinks
39:13they hear a rustle in the grass and they
39:16go head right that's what cortisol does
39:20Cortisol is designed to Keep Us Alive it
39:22is the first stage of fight or flight it
39:25makes us paranoid it makes all of our s
39:27is hyper attuned to look for danger it
39:30injects uh glucose into our muscles to
39:33make us stiff and ready to go in case we
39:34need to fight or flight it increases our
39:37heart rate like crazy right and it makes
39:39us start looking it makes us paranoid to
39:41find the danger and the cool thing about
39:43cortisol when you work in a social
39:45environment is if other people sense
39:47that you're nervous they get nervous so
39:48all the other gazelle
39:50go they didn't hear anything they just
39:53saw Steve over there get really freaked
39:55out and so they got all freaked out and
39:58now they all start looking for the
39:59danger good
40:01system and one of them who didn't even
40:03hear the initial rustle in the grass
40:05sees the lion runs they all run they all
40:07live another day good system so that
40:10when we go to work and somebody says I
40:12think there's going to be layoffs all of
40:13us are like what do you mean wait
40:15there's going to be we're all paranoid
40:16now we're all freak I shouldn't have
40:18talked in that
40:19meeting H we start to get crazy we start
40:22to get paranoid our hearts start to race
40:25it's what cortisol does it's trying to
40:26Keep Us Alive
40:28you wake up in the middle of the night
40:29you hear a bump in the middle of the
40:30night what's the first thing you do you
40:32wake the person next to you and then
40:35what do they do they
40:37go and if there's nothing there you go
40:40and trust your eyes right you go looking
40:41for it we're visual animals right if
40:43there's nothing there you go like
40:47this cortisol leaves our body and we
40:51relax and the Heart bait goes back
40:53down cortisol to get all of that extra
40:55energy to make us paranoid to make us
40:56self interested it needs to shut down
41:00non-essential systems CU it has to get
41:02it from somewhere right so it shuts off
41:04things like growth you don't need your
41:06fingernails to grow at that moment shuts
41:08it off the other thing it shuts off is
41:12our immune system don't need it in that
41:14moment the problem is you're not
41:15supposed to have cortisol in your system
41:17all the time you're supposed to have it
41:18in and then gone and when we go to work
41:20in a place that doesn't make us feel
41:22like we belong that doesn't make us feel
41:24safe when we're at work guess what we
41:26got little bits of cortisol dripping in
41:27our body drip drip drip drip makes us
41:31paranoid drip I know my boss hates me I
41:33know he hates me I he hates all my ideas
41:35I know it drip drip it makes us
41:37self-interested one of the things
41:39cortisol does it inhibits the release of
41:42oxytocin biologically if you work in a
41:44high stress environment where you don't
41:45feel safe you are biologically less
41:48empathetic and less generous we don't
41:50care about each other because we're too
41:51busy trying to protect ourselves drip
41:53drip drip our immune systems are now
41:57compromised drip drip drip we live in a
42:01country with some of the best medical
42:03education in the world some of the best
42:05medical systems in the world some of the
42:06best doctors in the world some of the
42:07best hospitals in the world some of the
42:08best medicines in the world please
42:10explain to me why diabetes is on the
42:12rise heart disease is on the rise some
42:14cancers are on the rise it ain't
42:16partially hydrogenated oils our jobs are
42:20killing
42:21us and the people who are responsible
42:24are the leaders
42:28and we also know that parents who come
42:31home stressed out their kids learn that
42:36this is what work is that work is
42:38something that makes you short-tempered
42:39and and and unhappy and so they expect
42:42it as they grow older worse we know that
42:44parents who come home upset and angry it
42:48has such a negative impact on their
42:49children that there's some studies that
42:50show that they might actually become
42:52bullies because of their unhappy parents
42:55who hate their jobs and have excessive
42:56amounts of stress
43:00our companies are literally killing
43:04us so what are you going to do about
43:06it what are you going to do about it
43:10leadership is not a rank leadership is
43:12not a position leadership is a decision
43:15leadership is a choice it has nothing to
43:18do with your position in the
43:19organization if you decide to look after
43:21the person to the left of you and look
43:23after the person to the right of you you
43:26have become a leader leader you've seen
43:28the movie 300 right the Spartans the
43:31greatest fighting force of all time you
43:33want to know one of the things that made
43:34the Spartans great wasn't their muscles
43:38wasn't their Spears it was their
43:41Shields they stood Shield to shield and
43:44the failinks was strong because they all
43:46those shields were big and they were
43:47told when they were young children you
43:49either bring your Shield home or you
43:51come home on your Shield the punishment
43:54for for losing your Shield was
43:56tremendous in battle
43:58because if you lost your Shield that
43:59means you cannot protect the person to
44:01the left of you and the person to the
44:02right of you and you have destroyed the
44:04failings it's the shield that matters
44:07not the
44:08spear not the spear it's your
44:11willingness to sacrifice yourself not
44:13your life maybe your credit maybe your
44:15little time maybe a little energy maybe
44:18your time you know maybe getting up from
44:19your desk and talking to somebody for 30
44:21minutes instead of sending a
44:21three-minute email it's your willingness
44:23to sacrifice for someone to hold that
44:26Shield up so that they feel safe that
44:28makes you a
44:30leader and you want to know how you beat
44:32a dopamine addiction if you're worried
44:33that you're addicted to Performance and
44:35all this dopamine
44:38things Alcoholics Anonymous has been
44:40highly effective for decades 80
44:42something
44:43years we all know the first step of the
44:4612 Steps we joke about it right admit
44:47you have a
44:49problem do you know the 12th step don't
44:52say it's supposed to be
44:56anonymous I'll tell you what the 12th
44:57step is Alcoholics Anonymous knows that
45:00if you master all 11 steps but not the
45:0212th you will drink again if you master
45:05the 12th step you will beat the disease
45:09what's the 12th step the 12th step is
45:11the commitment to help another
45:12alcoholic service service to
45:16another oxytocin wins serotonin
45:19serotonin wins the more we look after
45:21each other the safer we feel the more we
45:23feel like we belong and the more we will
45:25work together to confront the dangers
45:28outside do this for others and others
45:31will become Johnny
45:33Bravo thanks very much
45:40[Music]

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