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Should You Stay or Go? When You Should NOT Break-Up — Transcript

by Jillian Turecki · 4,820 words · 727 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00so in today's episode I'm going to talk
0:02about
0:04um when I think people should stay in
0:08the relationship that is
0:11struggling and try to work it
0:14out as many of you might know that I
0:17have a lot of content About You Know The
0:20Bravery that it takes to walk away from
0:22a relationship that's not working um
0:25last week's episode I talked about how
0:28important it is to let go of the wrong
0:30person and to choose
0:34yourself and all that is true but there
0:36are also circumstances where the most
0:39courageous thing to do is to stay in the
0:42relationship and work on it and working
0:45on our relationship really is working on
0:48ourselves it's um working on the parts
0:53of us that are afraid that we're not
0:56enough uh resistant to change the parts
1:00of us that
1:02um that is very dominated by the ego
1:05that doesn't want to um take
1:09responsibility uh the parts that we have
1:11to sort of overcome the hurt parts of
1:13ourselves to see how maybe we have been
1:17hurting the other as well it takes a
1:19tremendous amount of courage to stay in
1:22a relationship it takes a lot of courage
1:24to love the path of intimacy emotional
1:30intimacy is 10 times more powerful of a
1:34spiritual
1:35path than the path of
1:38isolation you know a lot of people come
1:41to me and say you
1:43know I I've been single I've been
1:45working on myself I you know finally
1:48feel healed I don't I feel um
1:52confident and then I get into a
1:55relationship and all my stuff comes up
1:59and all of a sudden I'm you brutally
2:02reminded of that of the fact that I am
2:05not as healed and I that I thought I was
2:08and that's because that's what will
2:10happen you know we are going to be
2:14confronted
2:16with a lot of old belief systems
2:20about what the right who the right
2:23person is versus who the right person
2:25isn't the one
2:28soulmate um
2:31it's really easy to thrive in
2:34isolation um and what I mean by
2:36isolation I don't mean without Community
2:39I mean in isolation meaning isolating
2:41yourself from romantic relationships and
2:43look I am look I am completely in
2:47support of people who who choose to be
2:49single and uh feel very fulfilled single
2:53I mean I feel very very fulfilled um in
2:57many ways single and have felt uh
3:00fulfilled single but there is
3:04um you know there's no other place where
3:08you
3:09will
3:10grow emotionally psychologically
3:13spiritually than you will in a romantic
3:15relationship even if it's not the right
3:17relationship but especially if it's the
3:19right relationship and that's what this
3:21episode really is about um doing the
3:26work to make it work and I you know this
3:29is for anyone who finds thems in a
3:32scenario
3:34where maybe your
3:36relationship has is not as healthy as
3:39you want it to be maybe you're
3:42unhappy but you it's not toxic there's
3:46no abuse you love this person maybe you
3:49have children with this person and you
3:51don't want to lose your
3:53family um maybe you're just overridden
3:58with ambiv
4:00about whether or not this is the right
4:03relationship maybe you're having a lot
4:05of fights where the two of you are
4:07talking about ending the
4:09relationship you know you're in Dire
4:11Straits with your
4:12relationship and here's the thing
4:16relationships rarely end because people
4:19stop loving each other they more
4:21commonly end because people don't feel
4:23that they are enough for each other the
4:25first step that I would have you do
4:30and I don't know you and this is
4:32obviously I'm saying this very generally
4:34but you know when people have come to me
4:35couples have come to me and they really
4:37want to work it out but they're in that
4:39position where they don't know how to
4:40make it work out and they're like right
4:43in the brink of breaking up or sometimes
4:44I have an individual come to
4:47me and they're just not sure if they
4:49love the person anymore typically what's
4:52happening is when we get pushed to the
4:55edge of our insecurity when we get
4:57pushed to the edge of our fears in a
5:02relationship um we will start to see
5:04that the other person is the problem and
5:08one of the things that we do in order to
5:11that we do this unconsciously in order
5:13to prepare ourselves to exit the
5:17relationship is we start focusing
5:21hyperfocusing on all the things that's
5:24wrong with our partner because that
5:27actually makes it easier to let go
5:30and then because then we can easily
5:32justify oh you know we can justify our
5:35decision to go
5:38now one thing that I want to point out
5:40is that uh you know a lot of
5:44times you've seen my content saying you
5:47know the bravest thing to do is to walk
5:48away from relationship that's not
5:50working you know part of that is because
5:55generally speaking women have a habit of
5:58staying too long in relationships that
6:00are not working and generally speaking
6:04men have a habit of leaving too soon
6:07when you're in a scenario like this you
6:10really have to ask yourself you know how
6:12how much is it my pattern to flee when
6:14something's not working and how much is
6:17it my pattern to stay no matter what if
6:20you date women or even if you don't date
6:22women if there must be a woman a female
6:25that you love maybe it's your daughter
6:27maybe it's your mom
6:30maybe it's your sister maybe it's a
6:31friend it's quite rare that women leave
6:34relationships when they're unfulfilled
6:37yes they can lots of women there's
6:40infidelity lots of women will leave but
6:43they they have to be incredibly
6:45unfulfilled incredibly unhappy most
6:47women will do whatever it takes to
6:49maintain the connection when we're
6:51thinking about these Dynamics it's not
6:53just anxious attachment it's not just
6:55avoidant attachment it's also deeply
6:59personal
7:00also um the conditioning of women not
7:02wanting to not the not just the
7:04conditioning but part of our Natures we
7:07just value connection so highly and
7:09losing connection is just incredibly
7:12tough um men in general tend to lean
7:15towards wanting their
7:17freedom and again this is there's Nuance
7:20to this of course but I think it's worth
7:23mentioning and so we have to whenever
7:26we're thinking about do I stay or do I
7:29go
7:30we have to um confront the Fleer inside
7:35of us you know the part of us that just
7:37wants to kind of flee because a
7:39relationship is a place where we go to
7:42confront ourselves not to avoid
7:44ourselves and uh that's why circling
7:48back to my original point it is easier
7:51you know it's a lot easier to
7:54reach I'm saying this in just
7:57Enlightenment alone because
8:00we are
8:02um because we are not confronting
8:05ourselves quite the same way as we are
8:07in a romantic relationship we are never
8:10more vulnerable than we are in a
8:11romantic relationship we are never more
8:15fearful that we are not enough in some
8:17way to make a relationship work takes a
8:20lot of Courage without question there
8:22are relationships that um I think should
8:25end you know people who I've worked with
8:27and I've helped a lot of people exit
8:29really unhealthy
8:31relationships but the sad truth but it's
8:34an important truth to point out is that
8:35there's a lot of relationships that I
8:38feel as though both people were actually
8:40right for each other but they did not
8:42know how to make it
8:44work so if you're in this
8:48scenario the first thing you have to ask
8:50yourself
8:53is how have I been punishing my
8:57partner how have I been punishing my
8:59partner and what I mean by that is how
9:02have I been pulling away how have I been
9:04withholding my love and let's just shelf
9:08attachment Styles right now because when
9:11we build up enough resentment and I'll
9:14get to that in a moment in our bodies in
9:16our minds we build up resistance and
9:19when we build up resistance it's like
9:22we're like shut down and we're not so
9:25open to love and so some people will
9:28pull away way some people will try to
9:31manipulate um some people will do lots
9:35lots and lots and lots of stonewalling
9:37silent treatment whatever it is that's
9:38highly highly dysfunctional by the way
9:40but
9:42um how have I been punishing my partner
9:46am I punishing them in my
9:48head am I making them out to be the
9:51villain all the time in my mind am I
9:53talking about am I talking terribly
9:55about them to my friends and to my
9:57family if I'm really truthful with
10:00myself have I not been showing them the
10:04love that I normally show do I know what
10:09their favorite snack is that I used to
10:11always get them you know on my way home
10:13from work or whatever and now I just
10:16decided not to do that anymore number
10:19two do I know what my partner's dreams
10:24and needs are the amount of times that I
10:27have had someone sit down or even a
10:29couple sit down with me and it's like
10:32they're strangers to each
10:34other they really stopped being curious
10:39and part of the stopping being curious
10:41is
10:42because when we become ambivalent in a
10:45relationship we get so focused on our
10:48own needs and like I said earlier so
10:51focused on the ways in which they are
10:54not enough for
10:56us that we lose sight of the fact that
11:00we are no longer or have maybe never
11:03been an expert on our partner really
11:07close couples are almost like Experts of
11:10each other they are intensely curious
11:13about each other and the amount of times
11:15that that people have come to me and you
11:18know to talk about their partner couples
11:20have come to me and it's like they live
11:22under the same Ruth They Know Each
11:24Other's habits but they're also
11:27strangers to each other they don't know
11:29each other's dreams they don't know each
11:31other's greatest fears um and they don't
11:35know each other's needs meaning they
11:37don't actually understand and know what
11:42makes the other person feel loved they
11:45don't know or understand what makes the
11:47other person um makes their partner feel
11:51important and significant to
11:53them they don't know what the things
11:56that they do that makes their partner
11:58feel safe or unsafe like they actually
12:01don't know because most of the time we
12:03get into a
12:04relationship and we are loving based on
12:08our own understanding of love and our
12:11own our own conditions about what has to
12:15happen in order to be loved so in other
12:17words if we like receiving love a
12:20certain way we give that love in a
12:21certain way as opposed to really knowing
12:25what makes someone feel loved
12:30being in a relationship is a very
12:32selfless act this is not about let's not
12:35pathologize this right this is not about
12:38ignoring yourself betraying yourself I
12:40have tons of content about that this is
12:43really just
12:45about how do we get out of our own way
12:48and really love
12:51someone and we can't leave a
12:57relationship provided that it's not all
12:59the things abusive totally wrong there's
13:03a lot I have other episodes on this on
13:06Jillian on love to help you make this
13:09difficult decision so just wanted to say
13:12that but we can't leave a relationship
13:14before we really
13:17evaluate our role in the whatever is not
13:20working and it takes a tremendous amount
13:23of humility to be able to look in the
13:27mirror and ask ourselves how might I be
13:31contributing to whatever is not working
13:33in this
13:34Dynamic how have I not been
13:37loving do I even know what their needs
13:41are or have I just been focused on
13:47myself because when we are considering
13:50ending a relationship or we're unhappy
13:52in a relationship we go into you know a
13:56little bit of fight ORF flight it's like
13:58do I stay and fight for this
13:59relationship or do I
14:02flee and we're and we're kind of caught
14:05in that and when we are in that sort of
14:07nervous system State we get very very
14:11very
14:12self-consumed and part of working on a
14:15relationship
14:17is understanding how we are contributing
14:21to whatever is not working and that goes
14:23for that includes I should say
14:26rather how we've been with punishing our
14:30partner how we've been withholding love
14:32how we've been speaking about them in
14:34our minds or even to um the people we
14:39care about how have we just been
14:42focusing on our own
14:43needs Have you communicated your needs
14:47you know when you peel away the onion of
14:51a relationship and its problems at the
14:54core what you will almost always find is
14:56a communication breakdown
14:59and instead of communicating we get in
15:01our
15:02heads and we create all these meanings
15:04and stories about our
15:06partner and we get very seduced by the
15:11story and then we're no longer in a
15:13relationship with the person who we
15:16claim to love instead we're in a
15:19relationship with the story that we have
15:21about them and sometimes that story gets
15:23so out of control the story gets so big
15:27it almost takes on a life of its
15:30own and
15:32so instead of being in a relationship
15:35with your partner and with your loved
15:37one you're in a relationship with the
15:39story that you have about
15:40[Music]
15:42them and the bigger that story the
15:45greater your resentment and the greater
15:47your resentment the more resistance you
15:49have to your
15:50partner and then when we start to build
15:52resistance we don't we then again we
15:56start to hyperfocus on what's wrong with
15:58them we start to lose
16:01attraction we start to punish
16:04them and we're not you know healthy
16:08people are punishing their Partners all
16:10the time meaning what I mean by that is
16:12they're not doing it on purpose right
16:15there's no like ill will manipulation
16:18behind it it's almost unconscious yes it
16:21is a sign of that there needs to be some
16:25maturing for sure um it's certainly not
16:28a good good habit but the more
16:30resistance that we build inside of
16:32ourselves the more then we will start to
16:35pull love away and then we can justify
16:38it over and over again about well
16:40they're not doing this and that and that
16:42and this and that and then we what ends
16:45up
16:46happening is that we never take a look
16:48at ourselves and see how might my
16:53behavior how might my energy how might
16:58the way that I'm showing up in this
17:01relationship be creating a Snowball
17:05Effect and to the point where it's
17:07impacting my partner and how they're
17:11relating to me so once you can start to
17:14see that you're part of a
17:18dynamic and that Dynamic is largely made
17:22up of old patterns beliefs and stories
17:26that we have about our partner and about
17:29the
17:31relationship so accountability is
17:34literally in my book I think it's
17:36probably the most
17:39important part of a relationship
17:43because when we do have all those
17:45stories and the stories that lead to
17:48resentment and the resentment that feeds
17:50the story and it just keeps spiraling
17:53and then we build that resistance
17:55against our partner and it's it's a
17:56physical resistance we don't even want
17:58to be close them physically in some ways
18:01um you know it's a mental resistance an
18:03emotional resistance we don't we don't
18:05want to let them
18:07in or maybe we do a little bit and then
18:09we pull away and then we do a little bit
18:11then we pull away we're doing that out
18:13of fear we're doing that out of hurt but
18:16we are sabotaging the relationship
18:19greatly and when we can
18:23see how there that this person when we
18:26can remember the love and that person is
18:28not someone who's there to take away
18:31your freedom to hurt you to abandon
18:35you but there's someone who who has
18:38needs to and is afraid to we can soften
18:42inside
18:43now look you probably or you might need
18:47the work of you know some couples
18:49counseling maybe you better find a good
18:51one because that's you know it's not
18:54always helpful but you need to just find
18:55someone really good um maybe it's doing
18:58certain a a couple's Workshop maybe it's
19:00just listening to these
19:02episodes so don't think that because you
19:06might need third party help that things
19:08are really bad it's just you know we get
19:10no one will get in your own way more
19:13than you just like I get in my own way
19:15no one's going to lie more to you than
19:17you do to yourself and so this is just
19:20it's the Ultimate Surrender of just
19:23letting go and being like okay I am
19:25ready to see this
19:30relationship and our situation
19:32differently I'm ready to look at my role
19:36in
19:37this so you have to know their needs and
19:40you have to be communicating your needs
19:42because a lot of times people don't
19:43communicate their needs they think that
19:46the other person should
19:47know or most of the time people don't
19:50even know what their needs are or their
19:52needs get so convoluted because they're
19:55in that state of resentment and
19:57resistance and I think that you know a
19:59lot of
20:01people in a um let's say in a
20:04heterosexual relationship where it's a
20:06man and a woman in a relationship
20:09together what's added to that is you
20:12know a lack of understanding of the
20:16opposite sex and what's important to
20:18them and also just our own biases part
20:22of becoming more emotionally aware
20:24mature conscious people in relationship
20:29is being able
20:32to let go
20:35surrender the
20:37ego and to look
20:40within and to um a we can acknowledge
20:44our pain we can acknowledge our hurt we
20:46can acknowledge our
20:49fear but if we want to really make it
20:51work with someone we have to be able to
20:53acknowledge theirs too and there's a
20:56really interesting story let's just say
20:58this
21:00um let's say Joe give him a a fake
21:04name married for eight years to his wife
21:07they have a
21:08daughter and um he's really
21:12contemplating leaving the
21:14relationship ending the
21:16marriage but he does love her and he
21:20doesn't want to break up the family but
21:21he's
21:24unhappy so
21:27he to deal with his unhappiness he
21:30starts to seek out meeting his needs
21:33outside of the relationship not an
21:34infidelity but this is what people do
21:37and this is something that you need to
21:38ask yourself how have I been looking to
21:41fulfill myself outside of the
21:43relationship and then
21:45consequently no longer giving my
21:47relationship the energy of me in
21:52it so let's just say I mean this is this
21:54is a large part of what happens with
21:56infidelity but infidelity aside you know
22:00maybe it's Focus focusing on your work
22:03or your hobbies or your friends you're
22:05focusing on everything except your
22:09relationship and you're bringing all
22:11this energy to these other sources but
22:15then when you come home you have no
22:16energy for your
22:18partner so Joe he's in a band and so
22:22when he is you know not getting along
22:25with his wife he's putting extra energy
22:27in the band traveling with the band
22:29that's where he feels free that where he
22:31feels like a god on stage and whatnot
22:33and then he comes home and he doesn't
22:35feel enough for his
22:37wife so when I tell that story you can
22:40you can you know very one can
22:44easily deduce come up with their own
22:47story you know cuz we're cuz whenever we
22:49hear things like this we're looking at
22:51the world through the filter of our own
22:53experience that's what happens all over
22:55social media someone shares their
22:56experience and they're like oh my God
22:58that's horrible you should leave them
22:59and then other people are like well I've
23:01been on the other side of that so I
23:03think what they're doing is horrible
23:05right so we have to be critical thinker
23:07so on the outside it might think oh yeah
23:09well you know he's not getting his needs
23:11met at home obviously he's getting his
23:14needs met you know doing the band and
23:17you know why should he stop doing
23:18something that's meaningful to him when
23:21you know his wife doesn't even
23:22appreciate
23:24that but there's always so much more to
23:29know and there's always so much
23:32Nuance you know part of the reason why
23:35she didn't want him to be in the band is
23:37because he puts all his energy in the
23:40band and every time you know they have a
23:44problem that's where he goes instead of
23:46sticking around and and trying to work
23:49it out with
23:51her so she's gotten to the point of you
23:54know you have to choose the band or or
23:56me and your child she's gotten to the
23:59ultimatum point and so he feels like
24:01that's unfair and yes part of that is
24:04unfair but also you have to understand
24:06she's been so pushed to that insecurity
24:09they both have they both have so on the
24:13outside the story is well he he's
24:16thinking well you know we're we're not
24:17compatible because you know she doesn't
24:20let me be in the band and I have to make
24:21a choice and on her and her story is
24:25he's always choosing the band over me he
24:27doesn't care about me really what's
24:29happening is that when they would have
24:31arguments instead of talking about it
24:34and repairing and and and giving each
24:37other more love you know she would
24:39become more controlling he would flee
24:41more and they would just keep getting
24:43into this
24:44Dynamic but he was the one who really
24:46wanted to end the
24:48relationship she wanted to as a lot of
24:51women well well she really wanted to
24:53make it work even though she was unhappy
24:56because a lot of women will want to make
24:58it work even if they're deeply unhappy
25:00what Joe had to realize was
25:03that he had made a habit of bringing no
25:08energy home to his wife at
25:11all and that part of her clinging to him
25:15was because she felt so insignificant to
25:19him and it does not mean that she's now
25:23the the victim and he's the villain it's
25:25not that she had plenty to be
25:28responsible for but since he was the one
25:31who was like hang like it was hanging
25:34over her head like I you know I'm going
25:36to leave you know he was he took control
25:39in the relationship and basically was
25:41like he was the the person who is
25:44talking about ending the Rel the
25:46relationship the person who is always
25:48withdrawing the person who is ambivalent
25:50about the relationship is the person who
25:52has all the power in the relationship so
25:55he had all this power and she felt
25:57totally power
26:00but what he didn't realize was his
26:03contribution to what was not
26:05working and that he had gotten so
26:09fixated on she doesn't want me to
26:11fulfill my dreams when he didn't realize
26:15that he didn't even know what her dreams
26:17were he wasn't giving her love in the
26:20way that he used
26:22to and that he's made something outside
26:26of their marriage far more more
26:28important than her and so
26:31she felt pushed the edge of her
26:33insecurity and basically was like you
26:36have a choice me or them so there's a
26:39lot going on here but it was only until
26:42Joe began to realize that he could be
26:45this one way with the band and then you
26:48know one way with his daughter and one
26:50way with his wife and he wasn't bringing
26:53any energy home and the more that he was
26:55doing that the more insecure understand
26:58his wife was and was becoming and then
27:00she didn't know how to handle it so then
27:02you know her you know the way that she
27:05kind of behaved and you know wanting to
27:07control you know wasn't her best self
27:10because he was the one who wanted to
27:12leave he had to see how he was actually
27:15creating the conditions that he said he
27:18didn't want to
27:21have because if we just leave a
27:25relationship and we don't look at our
27:28part in the dynamic which can be
27:29incredibly
27:31nuanced we will flee we will find
27:34someone else and we will do the exact
27:37same
27:39thing and his mind is I just need to
27:42find someone else who understands me
27:44better the truth was this was just he
27:48was part of a dynamic and a pattern
27:51where he was not actually showing up and
27:53he wasn't taking
27:56responsibility she had to take
27:57responsibility too again I'm just
28:00showing it from his perspective because
28:02he was the one who wanted to
28:06leave they worked it out and they worked
28:08it out quite powerfully and they're
28:10thriving today but I share that because
28:12it's a very very important
28:16[Music]
28:17example
28:19that if you just want to go and you
28:22don't see your role and you're not
28:25seeing how might your behavior be
28:28is impacting someone else your partner
28:31should
28:32say
28:34then the chances of these patterns
28:37repeating themselves in other
28:38relationships are very high that doesn't
28:40mean of course you can see your patterns
28:42you can see your role and then the two
28:44of you can decide that you're just not
28:46on the same page you don't have the same
28:48values you don't have the same vision
28:50you don't have to be on the same path
28:52but you have to agree on where the path
28:54is going like you have to have some sort
28:55of alignment there for sure
28:58to make sure that we are just not
29:00repeating patterns and that we don't
29:01sabotage something you know based on our
29:05own ego and our own
29:07fears we have to see our part and for
29:10Joe a large part of seeing his part was
29:12notice was him acknowledging the story
29:15that he had about her his wife the
29:18resistance that he built inside of him
29:21the resentment and the
29:22resistance the way that he was actually
29:25not he was only focusing on him and his
29:28needs and he wasn't thinking at all
29:30about her and her needs and then the
29:32behavior of of making something outside
29:36of the marriage way more important than
29:38your marriage and
29:40then you know that's a that's a slippery
29:42slope and I'm all for you should again
29:47I'm all for having things outside of
29:49your relationship that light you up but
29:52then you should bring that light home to
29:55your partner when we have things outside
29:58people places things things that light
30:00us up that give our lives meeting
30:02outside of a marriage outside of a
30:04relationship and then we bring home we
30:08don't bring that person that lit up
30:10person at home we only come alive in
30:12those outside
30:15scenarios that is putting other things
30:18in front of your marriage or your
30:20relationship and that is a recipe for
30:23disaster the point the the the beauty is
30:27having the mean and the purpose and the
30:29things that light you up outside of the
30:32relationship and then bringing that
30:34person to the relationship that's what
30:37creates magic and so a last thing that I
30:39will say about communication
30:42is you know I've said before like stay
30:45in your head and your Rel I've said it
30:46before and you may have heard it but if
30:49you stay in your head your relationship
30:50is
30:51dead and the stories and the meanings
30:54that we create and then the lack of
30:57communication
30:59the
31:01vulnerability is and it and look
31:04communication can be very very difficult
31:08but it really is at the core of
31:11what breaks down a
31:13relationship probably one of the hardest
31:15yet most important things to do when you
31:19are in this kind of
31:21scenario is to really try to get
31:24underneath what you think the problem is
31:26and get to the root to of the problem
31:29and typically what I have found to be at
31:31the root of all the relationship
31:34problems that I have dealt with um that
31:37I've helped other
31:38people uh come to terms with is this not
31:43feeling enough for the other person in
31:45some way not feeling like you're their
31:48man not feeling like you're their woman
31:49not feeling like you're cherished not
31:51feeling like you're appreciated and so
31:54when we
31:55can soften our EG
31:58and take responsibility for how we might
32:01have been um not making our partner feel
32:07special to
32:11us that's when things can start to shift

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