Should You Let Your Kids "Cry It Out?" with child psychologist Dr. Patricia Britto — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00I'll just let your daughter cry out and
2. 0:01then she'll be sleep trained and you'll
3. 0:03be all right and I said no I believe in
4. 0:05the attachment Fury if my daughter wants
5. 0:07to sleep on my chest for the whole night
6. 0:09that's what would happen and that's what
7. 0:10i'
8. 0:12done hello my fellow leaders welcome
9. 0:15back to anatomy of a leader with me
10. 0:17Maria vistosi I'm an executive Head
11. 0:19Hunter career coach and host of this
12. 0:21podcast here we talk about how to find
13. 0:23your calling How To Succeed in Business
14. 0:26and how to live well as we're heading
15. 0:28into the holiday season I'd like to
16. 0:30revisit some of my favorite
17. 0:31conversations and this week's guest was
18. 0:33very popular especially one of her clips
19. 0:36about the cried out method which went
20. 0:38viral on Instagram meet Dr Patricia brto
21. 0:42an educational psychologist in this
22. 0:44short episode we talk about attachment
23. 0:47Theory whether the cried out method
24. 0:49works and strategies for supporting
25. 0:51neurod divergent kids so if you want to
26. 0:54raise Future Leaders are a parent of a
27. 0:56neurod Divergent child or are wondering
28. 0:59what made you such an anxious adult this
29. 1:01episode is for you before you start the
30. 1:04video I need your help we've entered the
31. 1:06British podcast Awards and the listeners
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38. 1:24wherever you're listening and without
39. 1:26further Ado here is Dr Patricia britter
40. 1:29attach is the opportunity for a child to
41. 1:33create a brand with a primary caregiver
42. 1:36from when they're born and not all
43. 1:38children develop a secure attachment
44. 1:40style because that would involve a
45. 1:42parent or primary caregiver whether it's
46. 1:45a gan or carea um meeting the child's
47. 1:48needs and helping the child to feel
48. 1:50secure um and children who develop that
49. 1:52go on according to you know the
50. 1:54attachment Fury go on to have uh
51. 1:56thriving lives and succeed and um they
52. 2:00have um less concerns in terms of social
53. 2:04interaction in terms of form you know
54. 2:06positive relationships and so forth um
55. 2:09but not all children develop secure
56. 2:11attachment Styles and is that to do with
57. 2:13a child or is it to do with a
58. 2:15parent it's to do with the situation I
59. 2:19would say because I don't want parents
60. 2:22to take blame to be honest um it's to do
61. 2:25with circumstances so I I work with a
62. 2:27lot of children who have gone into care
63. 2:30because they were born into
64. 2:31circumstances maybe their parents were
65. 2:33alcohol and drug addicts and couldn't
66. 2:35care for them and all the parents had
67. 2:38experienced poverty for example you know
68. 2:41let's talk about that you know the
69. 2:43social economic crisis and how that's
70. 2:44impacting people um which means the
71. 2:47parents are not emotionally available to
72. 2:51provide that love care and support to
73. 2:55their children and meet their needs um
74. 2:57cultural and religious practices some
75. 2:59times influence the development of
76. 3:01attachment difficulty so for example
77. 3:03when I had a child in my culture a lot
78. 3:06of people believe in the cry out system
79. 3:09which I absolutely hate so I was advised
80. 3:13oh just let your daughter cry out let
81. 3:14her cry out and then you know she'll be
82. 3:16sleep trained and you'll be all right
83. 3:18and I said no I believe in the
84. 3:19attachment Fury if my daughter wants to
85. 3:21sleep on my chest for the whole night
86. 3:23that's what would happen and that's what
87. 3:25i' done you know um this advice of you
88. 3:28know when the child is six months put
89. 3:30them in their own room no my my child
90. 3:32slipped in our bed up until she was one
91. 3:35and then you know and even now she's
92. 3:37free and she wants to come into our room
93. 3:39halfway through the that and that's okay
94. 3:41it's about having that closeness that
95. 3:43love that Bond helping her to feel
96. 3:44secure and confident helping her to know
97. 3:47that we are not going anywhere and what
98. 3:49that has is I mean all children go for
99. 3:51separation anxiety at some point in
100. 3:53their life at the early stages but now
101. 3:56she's so secure so she can go to
102. 3:58preschool and say by mommy she knows I'm
103. 4:01coming back and she trusts that I'm
104. 4:03coming back and it's having a ripple
105. 4:05effect on her in her confidence her
106. 4:06confidence in building um relationships
107. 4:09of her peers and you know engaging in
108. 4:12parallel play because that's what's age
109. 4:13appropriate developmentally for her
110. 4:15stage at the moment and developing
111. 4:17relationships with adults as well so it
112. 4:19has a positive ripple effect so you have
113. 4:22those who develop an anxious attachment
114. 4:25style avoidant attachment style uh
115. 4:28because of the circumstances that were
116. 4:29exposed to during their early years
117. 4:32whether it's trauma neglect and so forth
118. 4:35and those symptoms mirror symptoms of
119. 4:37autism that's very interesting going
120. 4:40back to the cry out method I'm curious
121. 4:42what does the data say about that you
122. 4:44think that that's not the a right
123. 4:46approach yeah and having that closeness
124. 4:49and being emotionally there as well as
125. 4:51physically there for your child is the
126. 4:52approach that you have yourself taken
127. 4:54yes what is the data
128. 4:57about the cried out method
129. 5:00I'm not quite sure if research has
130. 5:03specifically looked at that but if you
131. 5:05look at research linked to the
132. 5:07attachment fury it's about having
133. 5:09closeness and being emotionally
134. 5:12available for your child and being
135. 5:15present and offer meeting your child's
136. 5:18needs uh you know picture it this way
137. 5:20children come into the world the only
138. 5:22voices they hear when they're in the
139. 5:23womb is probably the mother's voice that
140. 5:25they recognize the most and the father's
141. 5:27Voice or um you know who whoever is
142. 5:30around um a pregnant woman um or or a
143. 5:34pregnant person and um when they are
144. 5:38born they are almost like new to well
145. 5:42they are new they're new to a brand new
146. 5:43world and they need to be nurtured they
147. 5:46need to be cared for they need to
148. 5:47develop trust they need to you know
149. 5:50develop that sense of security and to
150. 5:53not develop a sense of Abandonment or
151. 5:57experience neglect or trauma
152. 6:00every individual wants to be loved and
153. 6:02be
154. 6:03loved so that's why I think that's
155. 6:06important and that's my method um I mean
156. 6:08I'm not against people who want to take
157. 6:09that approach I never tell people don't
158. 6:12do this or do that that's not my place I
159. 6:14would just share what research shows and
160. 6:16it's entirely up to you which method you
161. 6:18choose to take um but for me I mean I've
162. 6:22seen it work in my household um in terms
163. 6:25of I cared about attachment from the
164. 6:26moment she was born you know um not just
165. 6:29for myself myself but for my husband as
166. 6:30well you know it was really important
167. 6:32for us to have that skin-to-skin contact
168. 6:34with um for my child and my husband to
169. 6:37have that um continuously actually for
170. 6:39them to develop that Bond um and for her
171. 6:42to feel that extreme sense of love and
172. 6:45confidence that we are coming back so we
173. 6:47never really experienced separate
174. 6:49separation anxiety for that
175. 6:51long well I have two kids yeah I've done
176. 6:54some AV testing on this okay the first
177. 6:57child did attempt
178. 7:00the cried out method yeah uh not
179. 7:02probably not to the same extent as
180. 7:04probably what the books will tell you to
181. 7:06do but to some degree there have been
182. 7:09days where she would cry out to go to
183. 7:11sleep was the most excruciatingly awful
184. 7:14thing that I have gone through and I
185. 7:16never did that with my second son with
186. 7:19my son who was the second born and I
187. 7:23still think that my daughter is probably
188. 7:26more anxious and I really boil it down
189. 7:29to
190. 7:30the kind of crying out and my son I find
191. 7:33he's a lot easier to deal with emotions
192. 7:36he gets more comforted much easier so
193. 7:39the difference between them is quite
194. 7:40marked I know kids are different but I
195. 7:43really do think that those two Styles
196. 7:46have like impacted so if I were to have
197. 7:49a a child again I would not do the cry
198. 7:52out method just wouldn't I'm glad we
199. 7:55agree on that yeah and I mean it's
200. 7:58traumatizing for the parents
201. 8:00I can only imagine what it's like for
202. 8:02the child you're just like completely
203. 8:04abandoned yeah and you're brand new to
204. 8:06the world and you're still developing
205. 8:09skills your brain is still developing
206. 8:12you know um yesterday on my social media
207. 8:14I posted something about the prefrontal
208. 8:16cortex and how actually it doesn't
209. 8:17develop up until you're almost 30 and
210. 8:20the reason why the age range I work with
211. 8:22is up to 25 is because research shows
212. 8:25you don't become an adult until that age
213. 8:28so actually a lot of your uh responses
214. 8:30will be impulsive because the emotional
215. 8:33part of your brain and mcdal is what's
216. 8:35driving that and um think about a baby
217. 8:39who is still developing their brain
218. 8:41still trying to become accustomed to
219. 8:43where they are you know it's if babies
220. 8:46could talk about that experience from
221. 8:48you know being in the womb to being born
222. 8:50that it's in itself is dramatizing I
223. 8:51think to be honest so I think it's
224. 8:54really important to give them that love
225. 8:56that support that cuddling as much as
226. 9:00possible and um that's why I don't agree
227. 9:03with it it just it just doesn't sit well
228. 9:05with me you talk about that the the the
229. 9:08attachment difficulties can be very
230. 9:10similar to you know being on the
231. 9:12Spectrum talking about autism yes some
232. 9:14yes talk me through how as a parent you
233. 9:18can support a child with autism or
234. 9:22ADHD okay so when it comes to autism
235. 9:25let's tackle that first it's a big
236. 9:27Spectrum so um you and I may have traits
237. 9:31for example but that doesn't necessarily
238. 9:32mean we are on um with fit the profile
239. 9:36to have a diagnosis according to the um
240. 9:39dsm5 for example or um the assessment
241. 9:43tools um so when you do have a child
242. 9:47with a diagnosis of water's inspection
243. 9:50Condition it's important to get to know
244. 9:53your child and get to know how they
245. 9:56present what are their difference and
246. 9:58what's unique to their
247. 10:00because that's the Baseline of the
248. 10:04strategies that any professional may
249. 10:05suggest and how to actually support them
250. 10:07so for example if your child is
251. 10:09nonverbal which I have to say be
252. 10:12non-verbal doesn't mean your child has
253. 10:14autism your child may just have a speech
254. 10:16language difficulty uh but children who
255. 10:19are non-verbal and have the diagnosis of
256. 10:23autism if that's the case strategies
257. 10:25such as using visual aids using um
258. 10:28non-verbal Comm Communications cues like
259. 10:31uh Picture Exchange communication we
260. 10:33call it PEX it's a method where a child
261. 10:35can use a visual to exchange for
262. 10:38something else that they want you can
263. 10:39use things like objects of reference to
264. 10:42communicate with them so for example a
265. 10:44cup could represent that they want a
266. 10:46drink so you could train them to use
267. 10:47that to communicate because whether they
268. 10:49have this diagnosis or not you want them
269. 10:51to be able to
270. 10:53function adequately to their potential
271. 10:56to maximize their potential and so it's
272. 10:59important to get to know your child and
273. 11:01whether you're a parent or a school
274. 11:03staff you need to get to know the
275. 11:04children that you're working with and
276. 11:05the children that you you live with you
277. 11:07know whether your aunt Uncle um
278. 11:10regardless of who you are so I think
279. 11:12that's the first step and then if you
280. 11:14were to read parenting books or you were
281. 11:16to get strategies from someone like me
282. 11:18you can then apply that and you can
283. 11:20pitch it at the appropriate level for
284. 11:23example um some children who are verbal
285. 11:26and can engage in social skills programs
286. 11:29would need that so I would I would you
287. 11:31know recommend social skills program for
288. 11:33example some called circle of friends uh
289. 11:36these are evidence-based research shows
290. 11:38that they work or they they make a
291. 11:40positive difference um that's you know
292. 11:42those are the kind of things that I
293. 11:43would suggest and what's really
294. 11:45important I think no one really talks
295. 11:47about is emotional regulation strategies
296. 11:51not just for the children for the
297. 11:53parents you've been listening to anatomy
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