Shivone's Story: I Finally Understood My Gender Dysphoria - And Everything Changed - GenderGP — Transcript

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1. 0:00[Music]
2. 0:02If you're fighting someone else, you can
3. 0:04get away from that person. But fighting
4. 0:05yourself, you can't get away from it. My
5. 0:07name's Siobhan. I'm from Maitius
6. 0:09originally. Grew up there until the age
7. 0:10of 21 and then moved to the UK. I'm 33.
8. 0:15My pronouns are she and
9. 0:16[Music]
10. 0:21her. When I was younger, very young, I
11. 0:24was basically like maybe five, six, I
12. 0:26loved the stuff girls used to do. I was
13. 0:29not as much interested with the boy
14. 0:30stuff. But every time I would go and be
15. 0:32like, "Oh, I want to try nail polish or
16. 0:35I want to try this or I want to try
17. 0:36that." My parents would constantly be
18. 0:39like, "No, you should be acting this way
19. 0:40and behaving that way." Obviously, I
20. 0:42come from Maitius, which is very, well,
21. 0:44now it's not the same, but back then it
22. 0:47was very rigid in their way of thinking.
23. 0:48Then I grew up until the age of 18, 13.
24. 0:53All along my my teenage years, those
25. 0:56thoughts kept coming back. I'd be
26. 0:57jealous to a certain extent, but the
27. 1:00constant reminding that I wasn't allowed
28. 1:02to do that made me feel like I was doing
29. 1:05something wrong. So, I kind of repressed
30. 1:08it for a very long time. And when I
31. 1:10turned 21 and we also moved here, I
32. 1:12started seeing different people and I
33. 1:14saw people that I could relate to and I
34. 1:17started understanding a bit why I was
35. 1:18feeling that way. And because of all
36. 1:22that fear that was installed in me, I
37. 1:24didn't say anything for a very long
38. 1:26time. And it's only during the first
39. 1:29lockdown when I saw a lot of people kind
40. 1:32of dying and everyone was just saying
41. 1:35it's going to be the end. There wasn't
42. 1:36the vaccine out yet or anything. So I
43. 1:39thought it was the end. I thought
44. 1:40everyone was just going to die. So I was
45. 1:42like, I don't want to die this way. And
46. 1:43I just came out.
47. 1:50Me coming out was one of the biggest
48. 1:52surprise cuz I was petrified. I thought
49. 1:54I'd lose my friends. I thought I'd lose
50. 1:56my job. I was also I was already a head
51. 1:58chef back then. So I thought I'd lose my
52. 1:59job. I thought I'd lose my family. I
53. 2:02thought I'd be pushed away by everyone.
54. 2:04But to my surprise, everyone took it so
55. 2:07well. And I remember the first time
56. 2:10going to work. It was a staff party. Uh,
57. 2:12someone was leaving and I went in all
58. 2:15dressed up, makeup and hair done and
59. 2:17everything and I walked in and they
60. 2:19didn't even recognize me. But when they
61. 2:21did know it was me, everyone was like,
62. 2:23"Oh my god, you look so great." and
63. 2:25everything. And I was shaking and with
64. 2:27fear inside of me at that moment. But
65. 2:30realizing that I was hiding for so long
66. 2:34also made me think I was being a bit
67. 2:37silly. I should have just come out. I
68. 2:39would have enjoyed way more years of my
69. 2:42life if I had done so earlier and I'd be
70. 2:49myself. So it was pretty much a decision
71. 2:52I took on my own. I was also 29 back
72. 2:54then. So it was my last year being 29
73. 2:58moving to 30s and I was
74. 3:01like this new new decade starting. So I
75. 3:05just took a leap. I took a leap and I
76. 3:08just came out to everyone. To be fair,
77. 3:10the way I came out, I just created an
78. 3:12Instagram account and just added
79. 3:13everyone, put my picture there, put all
80. 3:16my details there and just added
81. 3:17everyone. People just accepted. Some of
82. 3:19them were sending me pictures of that on
83. 3:21my WhatsApp being like, "Someone's
84. 3:23making a fake account of you." But I was
85. 3:24like, "Well, guess what? It's not."
86. 3:29And um to a lot of people, a lot of
87. 3:32people cuz I was I am much of a
88. 3:35prankster to a lot of people people
89. 3:37thought even a year two years after that
90. 3:39I was still pulling off a prank. But
91. 3:43then the people that tell me that I'm
92. 3:45like come on a joke's only funny when
93. 3:48it's
94. 3:49short. But yeah, it was it was just a
95. 3:52leap. I just took a leap.
96. 4:00do it. I think if you do feel that for
97. 4:04all your life, it's not something that's
98. 4:05just going to go away by itself. It's
99. 4:07not going to stop all of a sudden. And
100. 4:09the only thing you're doing is just
101. 4:10repressing yourself. And when you're
102. 4:12repressing yourself, whether you like it
103. 4:14or not, you're putting part of your
104. 4:16brain is being used just to block
105. 4:19something. And constantly there'll be
106. 4:21triggers that would happen where you'd
107. 4:23be like, "Oh, I really like that. No,
108. 4:24I'm not supposed to like that. And so
109. 4:27it's just a constant battle which you
110. 4:29tire yourself for no reason. So if it is
111. 4:31bugging you that much, maybe talk to
112. 4:33someone about it before you actually do
113. 4:35it, but don't be scared. I don't think
114. 4:38it's something anyone should be scared
115. 4:40of or even have doubts about if they're
116. 4:44okay or not. Cuz everyone's different.
117. 4:46Everyone's everyone's got their own
118. 4:47life. Everyone's got their own dreams.
119. 4:49And if everyone was the same, it would
120. 4:51be very boring.
121. 4:57Yeah, Gender GP has been great. Like my
122. 4:59treatment's been since I started my
123. 5:00treatment, I've got the support, I got
124. 5:02help. Gender GP is actually working with
125. 5:04my normal GP to kind of like work with
126. 5:07my meds and everything. So, it's great.
127. 5:09It's just been great. They also keep
128. 5:11track of my blood test, blood results to
129. 5:13make sure I'm healthy and I'm in good
130. 5:15condition to kind of follow my
131. 5:17treatment.
132. 5:20[Music]
133. 5:23Uh so the first time I got my meds um to
134. 5:26be fair so gender GP the way I ordered
135. 5:28my meds was I got them to prescribe it
136. 5:30to an online pharmacy. Everything got
137. 5:32sent straight to my door and yeah opened
138. 5:35it. It had all the how to take it, what
139. 5:37to do with it and there was a treatment
140. 5:39plan that came along. So yeah, it was
141. 5:42all there. I was I was obviously very
142. 5:44excited, but also you hear stories and
143. 5:48you hear people tell you that, oh, it's
144. 5:50going to do this, it's going to do that.
145. 5:51And most of the time, it's people that
146. 5:53aren't transitioning that are commenting
147. 5:54on it.
148. 5:55And like, oh, it's going to come with a
149. 5:57lot of side effects and everything, but
150. 5:59everything comes with side effects. Like
151. 6:01I was petrified to start the uh hormone
152. 6:04treatment because I had heard, oh, you
153. 6:05can get this, you can get strokes, you
154. 6:07can get X, Y, and Z, but you can die
155. 6:10from paracetamol.
156. 6:14And it it was actually a doctor that
157. 6:16told me that and I was like, you're
158. 6:19correct. Yeah, I take
159. 6:21paracetamol. So yeah, and I just got on
160. 6:23with it and took the meds. And when I
161. 6:26started seeing the changes and seeing
162. 6:28that I was way more comfortable with my
163. 6:29body and I kind of started looking the
164. 6:31way I wanted to look. It just changed my
165. 6:34whole person in terms of like I was way
166. 6:37more confident. I knew what I wanted. I
167. 6:40knew where to focus and I wasn't
168. 6:43thinking of thoughts going back and
169. 6:45[Music]
170. 6:50forth. My work was great to be fair.
171. 6:53Like they knew I was transitioning. They
172. 6:55knew all of these things and they
173. 6:56supported me. Like they gave me free
174. 6:58counseling which the company paid for.
175. 7:01They allowed me to dress and be like as
176. 7:05a chef I was allowed to have my nails
177. 7:06done which is not normally the case. But
178. 7:09yeah, they were they were very
179. 7:11encouraging and supportive which helped
180. 7:14me a lot. I became a better head chef
181. 7:16after that because I started trying to
182. 7:18understand people and see where they
183. 7:20were coming from and why they were doing
184. 7:21stuff rather than no if I can do it you
185. 7:24can do it which is not very human. So I
186. 7:26guess in that sense also just watch the
187. 7:28people and also stop being angry at
188. 7:32yourself for not looking the way you
189. 7:33want to look. To be fair hormone therapy
190. 7:36is not cheap. It is quite costly. I
191. 7:40think that the NHS should help a bit
192. 7:43more with that and stop putting people
193. 7:45on waiting endless waiting lists cuz
194. 7:47that was the other thing why I went with
195. 7:48gender
196. 7:54GP. I think it was some people that were
197. 7:56waiting for about 5 6 years just to get
198. 8:00their initial appointment. And I was
199. 8:03like if I'd gone through that route I'd
200. 8:05still be waiting right now. I'd probably
201. 8:07be still with all those bad habits and
202. 8:10God knows how what I would have turned
203. 8:12out to be. So how I pay for my treatment
204. 8:14is I work for it and I work save and
205. 8:18just luckily gender GP works with my GP.
206. 8:21So my GP is pretty cool. She prescribes
207. 8:23half of the meds which brings down the
208. 8:25cost massively and then the rest of it's
209. 8:28prescribed by gender GP. So in terms of
210. 8:30that gender GP does help to reduce the
211. 8:32cost as much as they can. Um, obviously
212. 8:34they're a private company, so they need
213. 8:36the funds to keep running, otherwise
214. 8:37they just close down, but like I just
215. 8:39feel like the NHS should do
216. 8:46more. I'm not going to lie, I did think
217. 8:48of
218. 8:50that cuz my parents were into the
219. 8:52medical field and stuff. I know the I
220. 8:55know the consequences of taking meds and
221. 8:58also I'm very much interested in
222. 8:59science. Uh, I do read a lot about meds
223. 9:02and stuff and what they do, what they
224. 9:04don't do. And yes, you can DIY stuff,
225. 9:08but you'll DIY uh, I don't know, a
226. 9:13remote control, try and fix that. That's
227. 9:14fine. You're trying to fix your body
228. 9:17there. If it's broken, it's broken. I'm
229. 9:20not going to lie. At some point I did
230. 9:21think like I had friends that were trans
231. 9:23and I even thought of like being like
232. 9:25you know what can I just get some of
233. 9:27your meds and we I'll just do whatever
234. 9:29you're doing but everybody's different
235. 9:31like like I've said earlier like each
236. 9:33person obviously you need to be
237. 9:34monitored which gender GP does um you
238. 9:37need to be followed up. It's also a
239. 9:40psychological journey too because it can
240. 9:42like yes it's great to transition and
241. 9:45everything but that initial first time
242. 9:48you're going out there like that it's
243. 9:50very daunting cuz you don't know what's
244. 9:52going to be the the outcome of it. So it
245. 9:53does does have that mental stress a
246. 9:56little bit but then it and over time
247. 9:58then you start realizing that it's all
248. 10:00okay. If you really want to do it, just
249. 10:02go through a gender GP. Don't DIY it
250. 10:04because you can't. Even I'm I've been on
251. 10:07treatment all this time and I can't tell
252. 10:09what
253. 10:09[Music]
254. 10:19to hope they're able to grow even
255. 10:22bigger. And I they're doing a fantastic
256. 10:24job and I'm so thankful for everything
257. 10:26they've done for me.
258. 10:33I was a lot a lot less irritated. I
259. 10:36loved life a bit more cuz I was very
260. 10:38depressive before that. I basically was
261. 10:40a workaholic before that. I just throw
262. 10:42myself into work just to get away from
263. 10:44the whole world. At this point in my
264. 10:45life, I go to the gym. I look after
265. 10:47myself. I try to eat as healthy. I've
266. 10:49stopped smoking. I've stopped drinking.
267. 10:50Stop sugar, too. But yeah, it's been
268. 10:54it's changed me a lot in a better way. I
269. 10:57feel I was a bit of a wreck before and I
270. 11:00was just spiraling down downwards. But
271. 11:02yeah, since I started the treatment,
272. 11:04it's done done me a lot of good. It's
273. 11:06put me in a in the right place and I've
274. 11:08stopped having to fight myself cuz I
275. 11:10think if you're fighting someone else,
276. 11:11you can get away from that person, but
277. 11:12fighting yourself, you can't get away
278. 11:14from it. I remember going to bed every
279. 11:16night wishing, "Please, tomorrow
280. 11:18morning, please make me wake up and I'm
281. 11:20a girl." I remember doing that like
282. 11:22every night from easy age of 12 to until
283. 11:26I transition I started the hormone
284. 11:28therapy.
285. 11:31[Music]