Shane Gillis Stand-Up Monologue - SNL — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:01-Ladies and gentlemen, Shane Gillis.
2. 0:03♪♪
3. 0:13♪♪
4. 0:22[ Cheers and applause ]
5. 0:28-Thank you.
6. 0:30Thank you, guys. I appreciate that.
7. 0:32How you guys doing? [ Cheers and applause ]
8. 0:34That's good. Good.
9. 0:36I'm alright. I'm fine.
10. 0:40I got a couple of things I'm dealing with, I don't know.
11. 0:43I don't know. I got to lose weight.
12. 0:47It's a bummer.
13. 0:49Know what I mean? When you finally get so fat,
14. 0:51you're like, alright.
15. 0:52Hit that fat rock bottom. You guys are --
16. 0:54Some of you guys are probably fat as hell, right?
17. 0:56[ Laughter ]
18. 0:58Hey.
19. 0:59This one guy -- "Yeah."
20. 1:02But no, you hit that fat rock bottom.
21. 1:03My fat rock bottom sucked this year.
22. 1:04I was in a Bud Light commercial every 10 minutes.
23. 1:07[ Laughter ] I'd look up and see it on screen.
24. 1:09I'd be like [grunting]
25. 1:11I was like, oh, no, I look like a lesbian. I got to change.
26. 1:14So I tried hiking.
27. 1:16-Whoo! -No, no. Hiking was horrendous.
28. 1:20I was -- It was one of the worst experiences.
29. 1:22I went hiking by myself.
30. 1:23Everyone was like, "You're gonna love it.
31. 1:25You're gonna take in nature the whole time."
32. 1:26I didn't take in nature at all.
33. 1:28I looked at the ground. I stared at the ground,
34. 1:32trying not to roll an ankle for like three hours.
35. 1:34The worst part was the only other person I saw on the hike--
36. 1:37I turned the corner and the only other person I saw was
37. 1:39just a beautiful woman walking towards me, also by herself.
38. 1:43So now I have like 30, 40 seconds, you know.
39. 1:48we're both -- both thinking it and look at me obviously.
40. 1:52What? What? I don't hike, obviously.
41. 1:54I'm so pale. I've never been outside.
42. 1:56I was wearing Adidas tracksuit, just walking,
43. 1:59coming out of the woods with my head down, tortured.
44. 2:01[ Laughter ]
45. 2:03I got to figure out what face to make
46. 2:05to let her know I'm not here.
47. 2:09[ Laughter ]
48. 2:10Which is a tough face to make.
49. 2:12I don't know if you've ever tried to make that face.
50. 2:14The best I came up with was when I got close to her.
51. 2:17I was like... [ Laughter ]
52. 2:19It was terrifying. So 0 for 1 on hikes.
53. 2:21[ Laughter ] I tried to go to a public gym.
54. 2:24Going to the public gym as a fat guy, especially in New York,
55. 2:26is a nightmare, dude.
56. 2:28It's just the hottest gay guys you've ever seen.
57. 2:30They're jacked and they look at me like,
58. 2:31"Yeah, right. I know, dude."
59. 2:35Also, I haven't been to the gym in so long.
60. 2:36I didn't know women just dressed like whores now.
61. 2:39[ Laughter ]
62. 2:41Look, I'm sorry, there's no other way to describe...
63. 2:44Have you seen it? I've seen it. The shorts.
64. 2:46Have you seen the shorts? Those neon...
65. 2:49They're like the only --
66. 2:50They're like artificial bait colored.
67. 2:53And the wrinkles, the wrinkles go like around the cheeks
68. 2:56and all combined at the butthole.
69. 2:59[ Laughter ]
70. 3:02And don't look. You're not allowed to look.
71. 3:04For real don't look because they are filming.
72. 3:06I'm -- I'm in the background of like 10 TikToks right now.
73. 3:09[ Laughter ]
74. 3:17All the equipment -- I haven't been in the gym in so long.
75. 3:19The equipment's changed.
76. 3:21It's all like kettlebells and rubber bands and ropes.
77. 3:22I'm not doing kettlebells fat publicly.
78. 3:25[ Laughter ]
79. 3:28I'd rather die, so I don't do that.
80. 3:31What's nice is in, uh, in Texas,
81. 3:33my friend Joe Rogan has a private gym at his studio,
82. 3:36which that's nice.
83. 3:38I can work out there. No one's around.
84. 3:39He also has a sauna, which I'm good at that.
85. 3:41I can sauna with the best of them.
86. 3:45The other day I was in the sauna.
87. 3:47I'm sitting there. I'm by myself.
88. 3:48No one's around, so I figure I'll get comfortable.
89. 3:50I take my shirt off. I'm in my underwear.
90. 3:51About five minutes in,
91. 3:53there's a knock on the glass door of the sauna
92. 3:54that scared me. I thought I was alone.
93. 3:56I look over and it was Theo Von and Joe,
94. 3:58and they opened the door and Joe just goes,
95. 4:00"Hey, Theo said you looked like a gas station egg."
96. 4:03And then they closed the door.
97. 4:05They left. I didn't even get a comeback.
98. 4:06I was like, "Yeah, whatever."
99. 4:08Now it's just me and that insult for 10 more minutes.
100. 4:11Just baking with that insult. There's no music in there.
101. 4:13Now I'm arguing with Theo Von in my head for 10 minutes.
102. 4:16Like you look like, uh,
103. 4:18some type of egg my cousin might have found.
104. 4:21Shut up, you dumb hick.
105. 4:23The thing that hurt the most was
106. 4:25when he closed the glass door, I saw my own reflection.
107. 4:28I looked exactly like a gas station egg.
108. 4:31That's one of the meanest things anyone's told me.
109. 4:33You look like a wet, bagged, hard-boiled egg.
110. 4:36That's going to be in there for the rest of my life.
111. 4:39I'll be like in an old folks home looking out the window
112. 4:40like, "I'm not an egg, Theo." [ Laughter ]
113. 4:43Alright, lay down.
114. 4:46It's one of those insults that's just in there.
115. 4:47I'm sure you have those.
116. 4:48As soon as somebody says them to you, you're like,
117. 4:50"That's in there for the rest of my life."
118. 4:52I've got a lot of those
119. 4:53because I was raised by two older sisters.
120. 4:57Yeah. [ Laughter ]
121. 4:58Nasty.
122. 5:00Women are like -- They're more psychological.
123. 5:02I was always jealous of guys with older brothers
124. 5:04because the worse you got there was like, "Come here, queer.
125. 5:06Yeah." I had two big, fat, bitch sisters.
126. 5:09[ Laughter ]
127. 5:12Psychological.
128. 5:13They both look like me with wigs.
129. 5:16And they would say the meanest things.
130. 5:18They'd be like, "Everyone knows you're
131. 5:19masturbating in the shower."
132. 5:21I'm like, no, I thought I was getting away with that.
133. 5:24I wasn't. I was taking a big chunk out of the herbal essence.
134. 5:28It's a see-through bottle. They knew.
135. 5:30[ Laughter ]
136. 5:31But my sisters, dude. Sorry. My buddy's laughing.
137. 5:34Soda, shut up.
138. 5:36[ Laughter ]
139. 5:38It's very nice. I love you. Anyway.
140. 5:40My sister, she got me with one that stuck with me
141. 5:42for the rest of my life.
142. 5:44I was a little old for what I was doing.
143. 5:45I was in like sixth grade.
144. 5:47I was laying on the floor in front of the TV
145. 5:49and she was in the recliner behind me,
146. 5:52probably cracking a pilsner with her trucker forearms,
147. 5:55but I was laying on the floor like a mermaid.
148. 5:57I'll never forget what she said.
149. 5:59She said, "Hey, get out of the way of the TV, bitch hips."
150. 6:01[ Laughter ]
151. 6:03As a child, bitch hips, wet egg.
152. 6:07That's tough.
153. 6:09I'll tell you the thing that I'm really bothered by
154. 6:11is I've balded directly into an Adolf Hitler haircut.
155. 6:14[ Laughter ]
156. 6:16And it's not good because I give a lot of speeches
157. 6:18and the front falls down a lot,
158. 6:20and there's no way to adjust it without looking exactly like...
159. 6:23[ Laughter ]
160. 6:25It's the only way. I'm not going to do that.
161. 6:27That's gay. That's it.
162. 6:29You're either gay or you're Hitler.
163. 6:31And isn't that where we're at as a country?
164. 6:34Hey, that was the monologue, ladies and gentlemen.
165. 6:37[ Cheers and applause ]
166. 6:40That's what it's all about.
167. 6:42Hey, we've got a great show for you tonight.
168. 6:43Rosalía is here.
169. 6:45[ Cheers and applause ]
170. 6:46There we go. So stick around.
171. 6:48We'll be right back.
172. 6:50♪♪