Shame and Complex Trauma - Part 1/6 - What is Shame? — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00I'd like to start a new series on shame  and tell you a little bit about why I want
2. 0:08to do this series so that you understand  where I'm coming from. Fifteen years ago,
3. 0:15when I first started working in the addictions  field, my boss asked me to prepare a brand new
4. 0:22workshop on shame for the treatment centre I was  working in. I didn't have a clue what it was,
5. 0:29so I read the books available on  shame and put together a workshop.
6. 0:33The first time I taught it, I saw the impact  it had on people coming out of addiction and
7. 0:41trauma and I thought, "Wow! This is a big  issue!" But I also saw that it was a super
8. 0:48heavy subject. By the end of the workshop people  had all kinds of memories stirred up by what we
9. 0:56were talking about, they were feeling pain on a  deeper level than they had felt in a long time,
10. 1:02and for a lot of people it just became  too much. It was overwhelming for them.
11. 1:08The second thing I noticed was that  before the workshop started some of the
12. 1:11people said "I don't have any shame".  From then on, at the beginning of the
13. 1:20workshop, I started asking the clients how much  shame they had. And most of them would say,
14. 1:25"I don't have any shame. But by the  end of the workshop they were saying,
15. 1:29"I have all kinds of shame!" And I realised that  this was an issue that people didn't understand
16. 1:36and were very unaware of in themselves. Once  they became aware of it, they began to see how
17. 1:45it affected every area of their lives. They  began to realise that this was going to be
18. 1:52one of the most important areas for them to deal  with if they were going to make it in recovery.
19. 1:59So that's part of why I want to do this  series. Because what I have seen since
20. 2:06RE/ACT started three years ago yesterday is  that for many people the week we do shame is
21. 2:17one of the hardest weeks. But it is one of the  most important weeks of their time at RE/ACT.
22. 2:23It is a poorly understood issue, but it is a super  important issue and nobody from complex trauma is
23. 2:33free of shame. Everyone with complex trauma has  some shame. We're going to start the series,
24. 2:40but I want to tell you this up front: This may  bring up some very painful stuff. If it does,
25. 2:48you have my permission to 'tune me out'  for a while so you don't get overwhelmed.
26. 2:54I can't do all the material in one night. I  can't give you all the tools for healing on
27. 3:00this first night, but those tools will come  in subsequent nights that we spend on this
28. 3:08subject. So if you feel overwhelmed, feel  free to just 'tune out' for a little while.
29. 3:16What I want you to understand  is that shame, by definition,
30. 3:19is not an emotion. It is a core belief about  yourself; about who you think you are. There
31. 3:29will be emotions associated with it that  we call shame emotions, but at its core,
32. 3:35by definition, shame is a core belief about  myself. Who am I? That is the question.
33. 3:45What shame means is: I have a negative view  of myself. I see myself as not very valuable,
34. 3:54not very lovable. So I see myself as not good  enough and therefore "less than" others around me.
35. 4:06I would say that one hundred  percent of people with complex
36. 4:10trauma have some shame. The greater the  complex trauma, the greater the shame,
37. 4:17but everyone with complex trauma  has some shame. In other words,
38. 4:21complex trauma affects your core belief about  your identity and makes it a negative thing.
39. 4:30So I want to develop this tonight and give  you some ground work to help you understand
40. 4:38this concept so that you can begin to see the  shame in yourself. When I teach about shame at
41. 4:46RE/ACT I ask the clients to think of times when  you feel 'not good enough'. Think of times when
42. 4:54you have felt 'unlovable', 'less than'. How would  you draw a picture of yourself at that moment?
43. 5:03So they'll start to give me their answers.  Usually they go something like this: "I
44. 5:08wouldn't be able to look people in the eye,  I'd be looking at the floor." Some go back to
45. 5:14a childhood memory when they didn't feel  good enough and wanted to curl up in the
46. 5:18fetal position under their bed or in a cupboard  because they just felt terrible about themselves.
47. 5:28Then I ask, "What colour is your drawing?" About  95% of the time people say it's black and white.
48. 5:37There's no colour in their 'shame' drawing  of themselves. And that's significant to me
49. 5:45because it's almost as if, in their minds, shame  takes the colour out of life. It makes life a
50. 5:52very dull colour; where you live in a black and  white, pleasure-less world when you have shame.
51. 6:00Another characteristic of people with  shame that I sometimes ask about is:
52. 6:06Are you able to look yourself in the eye when  you look in the mirror? And many people with
53. 6:13shame are unable to look themselves in the eye  when they look in the mirror. Some don't even
54. 6:19look in the mirror because they can't stand  it. Others, when they look in the mirror,
55. 6:24never look at themselves in the eyes; they  look at themselves either from the nose down
56. 6:28or from the eyebrows up, because that is what  shame does. You don't like yourself because
57. 6:37you don't feel valuable. You don't feel  good enough, so you don't like yourself.
58. 6:45Now I present this to clients: Every child,
59. 6:49at a subconscious level, comes into  the world with certain questions.
60. 6:57Who am I? What is my personality?  What am I good at? And then,
61. 7:03Am I lovable? Do I have any value? Do people want  to be with me? Do people like me? What do I have
62. 7:10to offer that would make people interested in me? Then it is not just about whether people love me,
63. 7:22but whether they desire me. When they look at  me, do they not just love me out of obligation,
64. 7:29but do their eyes light up? Do they  look forward to spending time with me?
65. 7:37What all these subconscious questions express  are deep longings and desires that are built
66. 7:43into every human being: I want to be desirable. I  want to have value. I want to be lovable. I want
67. 7:51someone to want a relationship with me. Again, all  these questions are asked at a subconscious level.
68. 7:59Then I ask: How do we get the answer  to these questions? I use a metaphor:
69. 8:06when a child wants to know who they are  on the outside, what they look like,
70. 8:11they look in the mirror. So I say: Use this  metaphor. If a child wants to know who they are
71. 8:18inside, what their personality is, if they have  value, if they are lovable, there are 'mirrors'
72. 8:24that reflect back to them the answers to those  questions and those 'mirrors' start with mum
73. 8:32and dad. So what mum and dad say to you, how  they treat you, their attitude towards you,
74. 8:39reflects back to you whether you're  worthwhile and whether you're lovable.
75. 8:44If you take that to a healthy home, a  child growing up with healthy parents,
76. 8:52what reflection do they get when they look at mum  and dad? They get a constant, consistent message:
77. 9:00You have great value. You don't have to do  anything, you have inherent value. You are
78. 9:08lovable and we are committed to loving you  unconditionally. So a child growing up in
79. 9:14that environment has a positive self-image,  they feel good about themselves. They don't
80. 9:23have a thousand insecurities because they know  who they are, they know their place, their value.
81. 9:31When you come to complex trauma, the mirror  sends a negative message. In a healthy
82. 9:39home the mirror gives positive messages, but  in complex trauma you get negative messages.
83. 9:45I want to go through a list of things  that mum and dad can do or say to you
84. 9:52that reflect back messages about  who you are. For many of you this
85. 9:58will bring back memories because you  have experienced many of these things.
86. 10:03Some of you have had the experience of  telling mum and dad what you think and
87. 10:09they laughed at you. In other words, you  got the message: You're stupid. This was
88. 10:16reinforced in a number of different ways.  Some of you got eye-rolls when you shared
89. 10:22things. Sometimes people would walk away from  you. It was like they were saying: "You're
90. 10:27stupid! I don't want to listen to this".  And you internalised that message.
91. 10:32Belittling. Some of you heard, "You'll never  amount to anything!" Some of you heard, "You'll
92. 10:39never get anything right! You can't  do anything right! You're a failure,
93. 10:42you'll never be more than a failure". These  have been expressed to you on a regular basis.
94. 10:51Now some of you will say, "Well, Mum and  Dad only said that when they were angry.
95. 10:55They didn't say that when they were in a  good mood". What I tell clients is this:
96. 11:01If you're really honest, what you're trying to  say is, "It didn't affect me because I knew they
97. 11:06were angry." But be honest with yourself.  Did it affect you? Yes, it did! Because
98. 11:12sometimes when people are angry, you think  they take away all their filters and they
99. 11:17say what they really believe. And so  you believe what they say in anger.
100. 11:24Many of you grew up with parents who teased you,  who called you names. They may have had pet names
101. 11:31that they thought were cute, but they hurt. So  you might have been called 'chubby' or 'pudgy',
102. 11:37you might have been called 'four-eyes', all  these different things and they used it as
103. 11:44a joke to tease you but it just killed you  inside and it made you very body conscious.
104. 11:53You got the message "I'm not good enough". You may have had a mother or a father for whom
105. 11:59no matter how well you did something, it was never  quite good enough. They would find something wrong
106. 12:07with it, something to criticise. When you came  home with a fantastic report card: Straight A's,
107. 12:15except for one B, they wouldn't congratulate you  on the straight A's. They would say, "Why did you
108. 12:20get a B?" It was like the straight A's didn't mean  anything to them, they focused on what you didn't
109. 12:28do perfectly and that sent a message to you. Some of your parents compared you:
110. 12:35"Why can't you be like your brother?", "Why  can't you be like your cousin?" and that
111. 12:41sent a message that you weren't good enough. Your parents blamed you for their problems. "We
112. 12:49fight as a couple because you're a bad child!" "I  drink because you're a bad child." You were made
113. 12:56to feel "It's my fault my parents are fighting"  or "It's my fault they're getting divorced. I must
114. 13:04be really bad" and you internalised that. Some of you were not allowed to express
115. 13:10certain emotions. You were told. "You are too  sensitive. You cry too much. You're too sad,
116. 13:17you always mope around". "You're too angry, nobody  likes to be around you" and you were made to feel
117. 13:24that there was something wrong with you because  you had these emotions. You were not good enough.
118. 13:32Sometimes parents would make promises to you and  then break them. If they did this repeatedly, you
119. 13:41began to feel that whenever they broke a promise,  it was because they really didn't want to be with
120. 13:45you. And you internalised that in a negative way. On the other hand, you get children who are
121. 13:55spoiled or who have no rules. And people  ask me, "How could they ever have shame?
122. 14:02They just got all kinds of gifts, they  were given everything". Here's what
123. 14:09spoiled children have told me over the years: Number one: My parents tried to buy my love.
124. 14:15Instead of giving themselves to me, they gave me  gifts so that I liked them. That didn't feel good,
125. 14:24and I wanted to connect with them, but  instead I got a gift. I felt that there
126. 14:30was something wrong with me, and that's  why they had to 'buy me off' with gifts.
127. 14:34Secondly, why didn't anyone care enough about  me to say "no"? If they really cared about me,
128. 14:43they would have said no to some things. The  fact that they never said "no" makes me feel
129. 14:49that I don't matter, that I'm not cared  for, and that sends a negative message.
130. 14:559) We always talk about the four environments of  complex trauma: Neglect is one. Parents who meet
131. 15:03your physical needs but aren't there for you  emotionally. That sends a message to you that
132. 15:09there must be something wrong with you, so they  don't want to connect with you emotionally. Or
133. 15:15you try to connect and you 'hit a wall'  and you conclude, "what's wrong with me?"
134. 15:2210) You may have come from a family where  everything was about "image". So at home everyone
135. 15:30hit each other and shouted and fought, but as soon  as you went out in public: Be polite! Treat me
136. 15:38with respect. Don't have a hair out of place, look  good. And you started to feel, "I'm just a trophy
137. 15:48on Dad's arm. I'm just here to make him look good.  I'm not here because I'm important, because of who
138. 15:55I am. I'm here because it's all about him."  And that sends a shameful message to you.
139. 16:0311) If you're not nurtured or your  needs are not consistently met.
140. 16:0912) Some of you grew up in a family where  you weren't validated for what you did well.
141. 16:15Some of you may have come from  a family where you were told:
142. 16:20"We're not going to tell you about all the good  things you've done because we don't want you
143. 16:24to get a big head. So we're not going to say  anything positive about you". But we all need
144. 16:31affirmation and if you don't get affirmation  you start to think "what's wrong with me?"
145. 16:3613) Abuse: With any kind of abuse the child gets  the message, "What's wrong with me that they hit
146. 16:45me? It must be my fault. Why are they saying  these horrible things to me? I must not be good
147. 16:53enough." So abuse sends one of the loudest 'mirror  messages' that there is something wrong with you.
148. 17:0114) Abandonment, in my opinion, sends the biggest  message of shame. Think of the two people who gave
149. 17:12you life, mum and dad, your biological parents.  If they don't want you and get rid of you, what
150. 17:20does that say about you? If the two people who  should naturally have a built-in love for their
151. 17:27offspring don't want you, it must mean that you  are a 'zero' and that nobody will want you when
152. 17:34they get to know you. So abandonment sends the  harshest, deepest, most painful message of shame.
153. 17:4215) Conditional love is another.  Some days they shower you with love,
154. 17:49other days they withhold it  and you feel it's your fault.
155. 17:5316) Shame based parenting.  That's when mum always says,
156. 17:59"Shame on you! Shame on you! Shame on you!" She  thinks it's going to motivate you to be better,
157. 18:05but if that's all you hear, then you start  to believe that you're just a 'failure'
158. 18:12and that becomes your belief system. I want to go into some subtle ones now.
159. 18:1917) Your parents' value system affects how you  see yourself. If mum is all about looking like
160. 18:31a thirty year old when she's 50, you're getting  a loud value message that says "women only have
161. 18:40value if they're a great sex object". That  can come through loud and clear. Secondly,
162. 18:47if dad is obsessed with his car and it's  his "baby" and you can't sit in it if you
163. 18:58have a speck of dirt on you, then you think,  "This car is more important than me. His value
164. 19:07system is a fancy car. Where do I fit in?" and  that sends a message. If you grew up in a family
165. 19:16where there was a really good work ethic.  But it went a little bit too far and said,
166. 19:25"You're only worth anything if you can keep  a job all the time." Then when you get sick
167. 19:30and you can't work and you go on disability, you  think, "I'm a loser. I have no value now." So the
168. 19:41value system of the parents is very important  in finding out the subtle messages of shame.
169. 19:4918) I'm told that about 10 per cent of  children have bed-wetting problems. After
170. 19:56they've been toilet trained, they still  wet the bed at night. I understand that
171. 20:04about 20% of addicts have had bedwetting  problems for more than a few years and it
172. 20:13has been a source of great embarrassment.  It was often the source of a lot of shame
173. 20:18and ridicule in the house and that sent  a very painful message to the child.
174. 20:2519) If you grew up in a poor family in a more  affluent area and you went to school and all
175. 20:35the children had new clothes and you wore  hand-me-downs. All the kids have the latest
176. 20:40shoes and the latest mobile phones and you don't  even have a mobile phone and you're wearing your
177. 20:46brother's old shoes with holes in them. You  start to feel 'less than' all the time, not
178. 20:54just in the family but in the culture in general. If you come from a different ethnic culture. So
179. 21:02let's say your family moved from Syria as refugees  or when you were little, your parents came from a
180. 21:08war and you didn't know English, you didn't know  the culture, you didn't dress like Canadians.
181. 21:15That was a very difficult thing and it can send  a message of 'shame' or 'not being good enough'.
182. 21:2420) The last one, really subtle, is  this: We don't have it much anymore,
183. 21:29but 50 years ago it was not uncommon for  families to have eight to twelve children,
184. 21:34some as many as 15. So what happened to the  youngest children is that they were raised by the
185. 21:42oldest children and so it wasn't that mum and dad  wanted to neglect their children, they just had
186. 21:50too many children to give them all the attention  they needed. So a child can feel neglected.
187. 21:58If you grew up with a sibling who was sick,  then mum and dad gave all their attention to
188. 22:04that sick child and you felt neglected. They  did not intend to send a message of shame, but
189. 22:12you felt that you were not good enough.  So these are all subtle messages of shame.
190. 22:19Here is another piece: In a healthy home,  parents make a distinction with a child.
191. 22:27Number one is who they are, number two is what  the child does. So a child may do wrong things,
192. 22:35'childish' things, like spilling milk. And the  parent says, "No matter what you do, you are
193. 22:42still valuable and we love you for who you are.  We may not like what you do, but we love you."
194. 22:49What happens more often in a complex trauma family  is: you did something bad, therefore you are bad.
195. 22:58There's no distinction between what you do and who  you are. And if you've grown up in that, then as
196. 23:08soon as you do something bad, even if it's  spilling your milk, you beat yourself up in your
197. 23:16mind and say "I'm a loser". That comes from a lack  of distinction between 'what I do' and 'who I am'.
198. 23:35Another piece on home life. What can happen  in some families is that mum and dad aren't
199. 23:41the problem. It is that you have a sibling who is  older and stronger than you and they abuse you,
200. 23:48they say cruel things to you and they say "If you  ever tell mum and dad, this is what will happen to
201. 23:55you!" They threaten you. That in itself can send  messages of shame because now you're in pain,
202. 24:03you've got all this stuff bombarding you and you  have to keep it a secret and that can be damaging.
203. 24:11If that's not bad enough, I'll go on! That  was just home life. Outside of the family,
204. 24:14let's go to our culture and let's look at our  culture as a mirror that reflects messages to
205. 24:21young people today about themselves. In  other words, it sets a standard for what
206. 24:32is normal. So what is Hollywood's standard?  You're really popular if you have a perfect
207. 24:40body and a perfect face. What does that say to  90% of our culture today, especially young girls,
208. 24:48when they watch Disney movies and Hollywood?  They feel 'less than'. They do not feel good
209. 24:54enough because Hollywood has set a standard for  what every girl should achieve as their normal.
210. 25:02Also when you look at Hollywood: Who gets  the biggest following and makes the most
211. 25:10money? Sports stars. Music stars. Actors and  actresses. People with popularity and great
212. 25:20skills. Or people who are very rich. So what do  we tell people is normal? You've got to be rich,
213. 25:32you've got to be pretty, you've got to be really,  really good at either singing or sports or acting,
214. 25:36otherwise you're 'less than'. This reinforces  messages they may already have received at home.
215. 25:45Another mirror is the school, and actually  the school has two mirrors. Number one: Just
216. 25:55as an institution, what does the school say is the  normal standard for a normal child? You have to be
217. 26:03smart. Let's say you have a child who works very  hard and the best they can ever get is a B. What
218. 26:14does our culture say to that child? You're not  quite good enough. So we can end up with a system
219. 26:21that is very necessary and very helpful, but it  can actually reinforce shame for certain people.
220. 26:29Then if you go outside the curriculum and  the school institution to the other students,
221. 26:36what do you get as a standard from them? who are  the popular kids? The ones with the great bodies,
222. 26:44the ones who are good at sports, the ones who  already have a car, or the ones who can throw a
223. 26:49party, the outgoing ones, and if you don't meet  that standard, you're not quite good enough.
224. 26:55And then there are the bullies,  and that's the other mirror,
225. 27:00the people who are stronger than other  kids; who put them down on a regular basis.
226. 27:08What I want you to take away from this is  that your home is the most powerful mirror,
227. 27:13but there are other mirrors that affect a child's  sense of self and their sense of who they are and
228. 27:22whether they're good enough. Sadly, we live in  a culture where most of the messages that the
229. 27:29average child gets is "I'm not good enough". That  is a tragic reality of the world we live in today.
230. 27:41What does that do to a child? What kind of  emotions does that create when they're made to
231. 27:48feel not valuable, not lovable, not good enough? Well, you can imagine there's pain, lots of
232. 27:56it and there's fear: "Will anyone want me? Will anyone respect me?" So they have a
233. 28:02lot of anxiety now when they make  friends; a lot of insecurities.
234. 28:06A lot of people with shame get depressed  because they don't like themselves; life sucks.
235. 28:15They hate themselves, they are very hard on  themselves. Some start self-harming because
236. 28:23they hate themselves so much. They find that there's a lot of
237. 28:27anger in there. They're jealous of anyone  who gets more attention than they do.
238. 28:28They're jealous of what everyone else has.  They become very negative about themselves
239. 28:39and everybody else and they're very unhappy. And for some, they get to a place where they
240. 28:46feel hopeless. "I am a total failure. I  don't see any way out. What's the point?"
241. 28:55So what I want you to understand is that shame  does nothing but create negative emotions,
242. 29:06not mild ones, but powerful ones. The  emotional world of a shame-based person
243. 29:14is one of predominantly negative emotions.  This is a difficult thing to live with
244. 29:22because what happens with shame is that you  don't know how to resolve it. You can't find
245. 29:28a way to resolve it, so there's no  way to resolve the negative emotions.
246. 29:34Let me add one more thing here. So what happens  to a child when they do something that's 'below
247. 29:44standard'? Let's say I go to school with a  big pimple. I'm going to be made to feel ugly,
248. 29:52and that's going to feed my shame, but it's not  going to stop there. I'm going to be teased.
249. 29:58I'll get a new nickname. I'll be made fun of.  So shame isn't just it's own package. Shame
250. 30:08also has other emotions or other things  that people do to you that hurt. So shame
251. 30:18doesn't just end with shame, shame leads to  more pain. Nothing good comes from shame.
252. 30:28I'm going to take a little longer,
253. 30:30but I want you to understand how  our brain tries to resolve shame.
254. 30:38In the centre is the 'true self'. If you are  told through the mirrors that your real self
255. 30:45is not good, that you are 'less than', that  you are not lovable, then you develop the
256. 30:51grey area outside of that which is the  shame-based self and that's the critic.
257. 30:58The critic is now in your brain.  It's constantly saying you're not
258. 31:03good enough and it's putting you down  and it's very negative towards you.
259. 31:10But there is still a part of you that says "I  want to be loved. I want to be respected. How
260. 31:16do I do that?" So the only solution is this:  "I can't show them who I really am because
261. 31:22they will reject me and abandon me, just like  mum and dad did. I have to do the third circle;
262. 31:28a persona" and these are the masks you start  to wear. "If I act this way, maybe people will
263. 31:35like me. If I act this way, maybe people will  respect me." So now you have a third person.
264. 31:42You've got the 'real self', the 'critical  self' and now the 'personas' that you wear.
265. 31:49But then you've got a fourth circle  that says, "If only I were like this.
266. 31:54The 'ideal self' in your mind is that if you  were like this you would be perfectly happy;
267. 32:02everyone would love you, everyone  would respect you. It's a fantasy,
268. 32:08but it's in your mind: "If only I were like  that, all my problems would be solved!"
269. 32:15Now here's the problem. You have this 'critic'  persona. Guess what it's doing all the time? It's
270. 32:22comparing you to the 'ideal self', which is an  unrealistic standard that you will never reach.
271. 32:30It compares what you're doing, day after day, to  the 'ideal self'. What's the conclusion? You're
272. 32:37not good enough! So what you have in your brain is  a system that looks like it's solving your shame,
273. 32:45but it's actually reinforcing your shame. You  think you're finding a way to feel better,
274. 32:51but the critic says, "Oops, you didn't hit  the mark! You failed! Oops, you didn't make
275. 32:56it! You failed! You're this horrible, lesser  person." So shame starts to feed on itself.
276. 33:06I want you to think about your parents being  on top and you being underneath that. Your
277. 33:11parents are neglectful, critical, abusive, all the  things we have just described. What is happening
278. 33:19is this: You can see the yellow square of the  brain. So as you grow up your parents give you
279. 33:28these messages. What do you do? You're filing  them away in your brain. As you get older,
280. 33:35you don't even need your parents to tell  you anything. When you do something,
281. 33:40your brain just says, "You're a loser!" and it  repeats all the things your parents said. So
282. 33:49your parents used to criticise you, but guess  what happened when you grew up? You took your
283. 33:55parents and put them inside your brain. We call  it an 'inner parent'. It's now in your brain and
284. 34:02it's a critic. So no matter what you do, it will  never be good enough for your brain. It's another
285. 34:11way in which shame sets up systems to prevent  you from ever escaping shame. Because now you
286. 34:20have your parents living in your head, judging  everything you do with a message of shame.
287. 34:28Another way of understanding this is this:  When you were a child, your parents said,
288. 34:36"You're too sensitive." So you said "I hate  that about myself" and "I wish I could find
289. 34:43a way to cut that out of me and throw it  away". So you say, "I'm just going to shut
290. 34:49that part of me down. I'll never be sensitive  again. I hate that part of myself." A little
291. 34:55while later you're so angry that no one wants  to be around you. Now you hate your anger:
292. 35:02"I wish I could just get rid of my anger"  and you shut that part of yourself down.
293. 35:07Over time, guess what happens? You hate more and  more of yourself, you wish you could take those
294. 35:16parts and put them in a cupboard and never have to  deal with them again. You're taking your parents'
295. 35:25messages and now you're shaming yourself. You  keep it going and that's the challenge with shame.
296. 35:37What's the difference between shame and  guilt? A very important question. Guilt
297. 35:46is about what you do, shame is about who you  are. Guilt is about actions, shame is about
298. 35:54identity. Guilt is actually a wonderful system  where we have this thing called a conscience,
299. 36:03where if we do something that violates  love, we feel pain. So if we tell a lie,
300. 36:08if we deceive somebody, if we cheat somebody,  if we steal something, it bothers us. That's
301. 36:15guilt. It was designed to be a good system  to say, "Are you in enough pain to wake up
302. 36:22and change your behaviour? to go back  to telling the truth? to being honest?"
303. 36:28So guilt is a wonderful system for correcting  unloving behaviour and making it loving again.
304. 36:36Guilt is resolvable. Shame is not resolvable, it  says you're not good enough and there's nothing
305. 36:45you can do about it. You just have to live with  that identity and all the emotions you feel
306. 36:52around that identity. So shame is the problem  area because you can't find a way to fix it.
307. 37:02Now I want to add 'false guilt' because in  complex trauma families your conscience has
308. 37:09often been misguided or mis-educated.  So Dad might say you were selfish for
309. 37:16wanting to play baseball and you think,  "It's wrong to play baseball. I am bad!"
310. 37:22That's a misguided conscience, but  now you feel guilty every time you
311. 37:28want something. Part of recovery is learning  to distinguish true guilt from false guilt.
312. 37:36If you have a lot of shame and you do something  wrong, you feel guilt, right? But what does the
313. 37:47guilt do? It says "I have done something bad, I  am bad". So guilt feeds shame. If you have a lot
314. 37:56of shame, "I don't feel good enough. I'm bad.  I'm not lovable" and you steal from somebody,
315. 38:02you feel guilty, but then you go, "Oh, that just  proves how bad I am." So they feed each other.
316. 38:14I knew when we started the topic of shame that we  were going to need a bit of a pick-me-up because
317. 38:20it's such a heavy subject. So I thought I  would tell you some stories from the Bible
318. 38:27about messed up people. And about how God  saw those people, to help you understand
319. 38:36that just because you have shame doesn't mean  that God is going to put you on the shelf,
320. 38:40or that God doesn't see you as valuable. This  is the fear of many people with shame, that
321. 38:47"nobody else seems to value me, so God probably  doesn't value me". Or "yes, God loves me. Blah,
322. 38:55blah, blah! I understand that, but I don't think  God passionately desires me or delights in me."
323. 39:01I want to start with a story that you've probably  read. And maybe you thought you understood it,
324. 39:09but I want to give you a bit of cultural  history. You're going to see this story
325. 39:14come alive. It's the story of  how Jesus chose his disciples.
326. 39:21You will remember that at the beginning of his  ministry, at the age of 30, Jesus chose 12 people
327. 39:26to follow him. These became known as the twelve  disciples and later as the apostles. It says: "One
328. 39:33day, as Jesus was walking along the shore of the  Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers - Peter and
329. 39:39Andrew - throwing a net into the water, for they  were fishing for a living. Jesus called out to
330. 39:45them: 'Come, follow me and I will show you how to  fish for people!' And they immediately left their
331. 39:51nets and followed him. A little farther up the  shore he saw two other brothers - James and John
332. 39:56- sitting in a boat with their father, mending  their nets. And he called them to come also."
333. 40:04Typically what we would imagine when we see  that is how we would interpret Jesus saying,
334. 40:10"Come, follow me!" And we would just think, "OK,
335. 40:13we're supposed to follow him and see where he's  going today". But it was a very technical term,
336. 40:21and when you understand it,  you'll see it begin to come alive.
337. 40:28At that time, in the Jewish culture,  everybody went to school and part of
338. 40:33what they had to learn in school  was to memorise the first five
339. 40:37books of the Bible. That's Genesis to  Deuteronomy and if you've ever read that,
340. 40:43that would be a memorisation project! Now,  if you were a really, really keen student,
341. 40:50you would memorise the whole Old Testament; all  39 books. That's just a massive achievement!
342. 40:58When a child got to the point of graduation,  a few things would happen. First of all,
343. 41:06the most respected rabbis, these were the main  religious teachers, would come to the schools
344. 41:16looking for the brightest, most able students.  After they had interviewed the students and
345. 41:24talked to the teachers, they would go up to who  they thought was the brightest student and say
346. 41:31"follow me". What that meant was, "This is going  to be your life now. From now on you're going to
347. 41:40spend your time learning everything I know and  becoming like me in character. So that when I'm
348. 41:48gone you can carry on." So "follow me" meant  "commit the rest of your life to following me,
349. 41:57learning and then teaching what I'm  teaching". It was a lifetime commitment.
350. 42:03Now you can imagine that the  top rabbis didn't choose all
351. 42:08the students. They would only select  the very best and brightest students,
352. 42:12so there were still a lot of other  students who weren't selected.
353. 42:18The second option that was available was  that the graduates could go to the other
354. 42:24rabbis in their villages and around and  ask, "May I follow you?" In other words,
355. 42:32"Would you consider taking me on as a disciple  and to train me so that I can eventually do what
356. 42:40you're doing?" So they would go to all the rabbis  and a number of them would be chosen. But still
357. 42:47not everybody was chosen, just the brightest and  then the next brightest who the rabbis liked.
358. 42:55What was the option for the people who weren't  chosen? They went back to their father's shop
359. 43:02and worked for their father. Did you notice when  I read to you about Peter, Andrew, James and John?
360. 43:08Who did they work for? Their father. What does  that say about Peter, Andrew, James and John?
361. 43:16Nobody else wanted them, they were the rejects,  they were the ones who weren't good enough. Isn't
362. 43:28it interesting that Jesus didn't go to the top  students and say, "Will you follow me?" He went
363. 43:34to the ones no one else wanted. He chose from  the 'reject heap'. So there's hope for us all!
364. 43:42But we're not done yet! He didn't  just pick these four fishermen,
365. 43:47he picked a guy called Matthew  who was a tax collector. Now,
366. 43:53if you're in Canada, you don't like Revenue  Canada bothering you with your income tax,
367. 43:58but you don't necessarily lose a lot of sleep  over a tax collector. But in that culture,
368. 44:05tax collectors were the most hated people.  Because if you wanted to be a tax collector,
369. 44:16you had to go to Rome, which was considered the  enemy of Israel. Basically you had to 'get in bed'
370. 44:23with Rome and pay Rome and give Rome some of your  money and go along with Rome's rule of abusing
371. 44:32Israel. If they gave you a licence, you could  set up your little office on the street corner.
372. 44:40What you could do is, let's say you could put a  tax on the amount of fish a person caught. That's
373. 44:50what the tax collectors did: They were greedy,  and Rome didn't care how they were abusing
374. 44:55their own people. So they said, "I'm going to  make a new thing to tax. I'm going to start
375. 45:00taxing the number of wheels you have on your  cart." So, "You've got two wheels? OK! Oh,
376. 45:08you have four wheels! You'll be taxed even  more!" And they kept increasing the taxes,
377. 45:13so that the people of Israel were  putting more and more of their profits
378. 45:20into paying the tax collectors. The people  were getting poorer and poorer and there
379. 45:25was nothing they could do about it because  Rome was supporting these tax collectors.
380. 45:31So they became the most hated men in Israel,  but they were also seen as the most dishonest
381. 45:39thieves - men with no character, men who had  no regard for human beings, total narcissists,
382. 45:49total greedy people - so they were not allowed  to go to church. They would have security
383. 45:56people who would say "Not allowed" and they would  be banned from church and religious activities.
384. 46:02They were considered so untrustworthy, so greedy  and corrupt that they weren't allowed to testify
385. 46:09in court because they could easily be bribed and  give false testimony. So they were not allowed.
386. 46:16They were classed as the lowest in society. In  fact, they taught that God would never forgive
387. 46:24a tax collector and that he was happy when tax  collectors died. Guess who Jesus chose? A tax
388. 46:33collector. Someone whom God was not supposed to  forgive, but whom Jesus did forgive. Someone that
389. 46:41God was supposed to be happy about when they  died, but Jesus wanted them to be on his team.
390. 46:46The next one is Simon the Zealot. In  this culture they had these daggers
391. 46:56that symbolised something. Simon the Zealot  was part of something called 'the group that
392. 47:01carries daggers'. It was a gang, so he was a gang  member. What these guys were doing was saying,
393. 47:10"Rome is corrupt. All our people who are  in politics are corrupt. We've got to take
394. 47:17the law into our own hands and we've got to do  'vigilante justice' here." So they went around
395. 47:23with the dagger under their robes, and if they  saw a Roman soldier standing there with no other
396. 47:30Roman soldiers, ... "in the heart". If they  caught a tax collector alone, they killed him.
397. 47:38Guess who Jesus chose? A gang  member who was a murderer,
398. 47:43but did you notice? Zealots were killing tax  collectors and Jesus said, "Simon and Matthew,
399. 47:51you're on the same team now. Get along!" Two  people who hated each other and feared each other.
400. 47:59Then he chose these two fishermen, James and John,  but they had a nickname. When Jesus called them,
401. 48:08they were known as "the sons of thunder".  Now, in the language of those days,
402. 48:15if you were called 'the son of something',  it meant that you were totally like it. It
403. 48:21was like that was your father and you were the  spitting image of that thing. So what does it
404. 48:29say that James and John are the "spitting  image" of? Thunder! What do you think it's
405. 48:35saying about James and John? I think it's  saying that they had an anger problem. They
406. 48:42went around like a storm cloud, ready to rain  on anybody's parade and make a lot of noise.
407. 48:49So if you look at the 12 people Jesus  chose, there was only one person who was
408. 48:56educated - Judas Iscariot, and he betrayed Jesus  to death. The other 11 were the losers of society:
409. 49:09Gang members, murderers, tax collectors,  boys who had to work for their father
410. 49:15because nobody else wanted them. Jesus  picks losers. Isn't that good news for us!
411. 49:23I always tell people that Paul says in 1  Corinthians that God puts his glory in a
412. 49:35cracked pot. What you have to understand is that  if you had a torch and it was windy outside,
413. 49:42you would put a clay pot over it. But you don't  want a clay pot where everything is fixed,
414. 49:50where everything is in place, because then you  can't see the torch. So you would deliberately
415. 49:55find a clay vessel that was cracked and had  some broken pieces. You would put that over
416. 50:00the torch so that it would minimise  the wind but still let the light out.
417. 50:06What God is saying is, "I have all this greatness  that I want to show to the world. I need to choose
418. 50:14a vessel to display my greatness. How am I going  to do that? Well, it has to be a cracked pot.
419. 50:21That's where my light can shine: Cracked pots.  And I get all the glory." The cracked pots don't
420. 50:30go around saying, 'Look how great I am because I'm  shining this light!' No. Everybody says, 'You're
421. 50:35cracked. You're a mess. You're broken.' And God  says, "These are the ones I like to use. Because
422. 50:43then my light can shine through and nobody gets  confused about who the source of that light is."
423. 50:50Next is the baptism of Jesus. So at the baptism  of Jesus, here's what happens: "Jesus went from
424. 50:58Galilee to the Jordan to be baptised by John.  After the baptism, when Jesus came up out of
425. 51:03the water, the heavens were opened and he saw the  Spirit of God descending like a dove and resting
426. 51:08on him. And a voice from heaven said, 'This is  my dearly beloved Son, who brings me great joy'."
427. 51:16Let me give you the context. In that  culture, a boy would have a bar mitzvah
428. 51:24at the age of 12. I've actually been to a  bar mitzvah! It's a celebration of a boy's
429. 51:28transition from childhood to manhood. It  was when a father presented his son to the
430. 51:35world as a man. And he stood next to his son  and said, "This is my son. I am very pleased
431. 51:43with him. He's dearly loved". And he would put  his son on display and they would celebrate.
432. 51:50I want you to think about what happened in  that culture if you were an illegitimate
433. 51:56child. If you were born out of wedlock, if  your mother had an affair and got pregnant,
434. 52:02they would not have a bar mitzvah for a bastard  child. What was Jesus considered to be? A bastard
435. 52:11child. In John 8 we are told that there was  a rumour that Mary had an affair with a Roman
436. 52:19soldier. That's how she got pregnant, because they  knew it couldn't have been Joseph's, because they
437. 52:24knew his character. But she was pregnant, so  they had to explain it, and they didn't say,
438. 52:29"The Holy Spirit impregnated her." They said,  "She had an affair. This is a bastard child."
439. 52:34So it's very, very possible that Jesus grew up  and never had a bar mitzvah where his father stood
440. 52:43beside him and said, "This is my son. I love him  very much." So what does God do? Jesus turns 30,
441. 52:51he has his baptism and God from heaven says  "This is my child and I am proud of him". Hold
442. 53:01on to that thought because I'm going somewhere.  I want you to think about how that applies to us.
443. 53:09In Roman culture they had a different term for  a bar mitzvah and it was called an adoption
444. 53:16ceremony. So adoption in that culture wasn't  necessarily taking a child that was unwanted from
445. 53:23another family and bringing it into your  family. That's how we define adoption.
446. 53:29That wasn't what the adoption ceremony was;  it was a ceremony for your biological son
447. 53:37where you announced that he had become a man  and you gave him all the rites of manhood.
448. 53:44It was a public declaration of how proud you  were of your son, just like the bar mitzvah.
449. 53:54So Ephesians 1:5 says that God chose to  adopt us into his family by bringing us to
450. 54:04himself through Jesus Christ. This is what  he wanted to do and it gave him great joy.
451. 54:11So we have two kinds of adoption. Firstly, we're  taken from our family into God's family. That's
452. 54:22how we're adopted, we understand that. But then  we're adopted like a bar mitzvah and God takes us,
453. 54:30unwanted, broken by other people, people who  are broken pots and messed up, and he brings us
454. 54:39into his family. But he doesn't just tolerate  us, he stands next to us and says "this is my
455. 54:47child and I really love them and I'm proud  of them". So God doesn't just tolerate us,
456. 54:55he doesn't just treat us like "I'll put  up with you, but you're a pain". He says,
457. 55:04"Man, if you knew how crazy I was about  you, even though nobody else wanted you,
458. 55:10even though you had no family, even though  you were super messed up. I've done it with
459. 55:18my disciples, now I'm going to bring you  into my family, but I'm going to show you
460. 55:24off and I want you to know and everybody  to know that you are passionately loved".
461. 55:32This is the greatest healer of shame. It is  finally having a mirror in my life that is
462. 55:41accurate and sends the message that is true.  I have value. I am dearly loved. I don't care
463. 55:50what other people say, I only care what He  says and that's what I base my value on.