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Secure in love at 23: The Secure Woman Philosophy Explained — Transcript

by Andriana Nik · 5,792 words · 831 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00When I first started dating, I genuinely
0:02thought that I just needed to put myself
0:04out there and the rest will kind of
0:06figure itself out. I will meet someone
0:08who will fall in love and that would
0:11just be that. And honestly, that's the
0:13story I grew up expecting from watching
0:16all of the romcom movies of my era.
0:19Like, you know, the ones like 30 Going
0:2030, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, The
0:23Princess Diaries, and literally every
0:25Disney movie ever made. So all I wanted
0:29was to one day be that girl, to be the
0:31one who gets swept off her feet, who
0:34gets chosen and she lives a happily ever
0:36after. So at 22, I decided, you know
0:39what? It's my turn. It's my time to
0:42shine and I just needed to show up and
0:45the guy will take care of the rest. But
0:48what I quickly found out when I actually
0:49started dating was that it doesn't
0:52really work like that. Healthy, loving
0:55relationships apparently don't just
0:57happen to you. You don't just stumble
1:00into the right person by accident or by
1:02luck. And when I realized that I had two
1:05choices, I could stay in the victim mode
1:08where I was just wondering why is this
1:10happening to me? Why is it so much
1:12easier for everyone else? Why does
1:14everyone else get to have the romantic
1:17movie like story and I don't? Or I could
1:21do something about it. So I decided to
1:24do something about it. I started doing
1:26the work. I read all of the books. I
1:28watched all of the videos. I went deep
1:30into the attachment styles,
1:32understanding myself and all of that.
1:34And honestly, I thought while I was
1:37doing that that that was it. That was
1:39the work and that was enough. But here's
1:41the thing. Most people who think they
1:44are healed in love, they're not. And I
1:46say that because I was one of them. I
1:49knew all of the right words. I knew
1:52about boundaries. I knew about
1:53self-worth. I knew about green flags,
1:55red flags, inner child work. I knew
1:57about everything. I could honestly so
2:00easily pass a quiz on emotional
2:03intelligence. But I was still choosing
2:06the same people. I was still spiraling
2:09over the same old things. I was still
2:12looking for proof of my own value in all
2:16of the wrong places, in all of the wrong
2:17people. And that's when I realized there
2:20is a real difference between
2:21understanding healing on an intellectual
2:24level and actually living it and
2:26actually embodying it and knowing it on
2:29a physical level. And that difference
2:32that gap has a name and it's called
2:34being secure. And today I'm going to
2:37walk you through exactly what that means
2:40and the 10 rules that I figured out that
2:43a secure person in love lives by. So you
2:47can figure out honestly where you
2:49actually stand right now and what is the
2:51place that you want to get. Hi guys, I'm
2:54Andreana and welcome back to my channel
2:56where I talk about how to become secure
2:59in love by firstly becoming secure in
3:01yourself. So let's get into today's
3:03video. Now a lot of people misunderstand
3:05what a secure person actually is. Most
3:08people think that it means being
3:09unbothered, but that actually is just
3:13avoidance with a very good PR. Or they
3:16think that it means I don't need anyone,
3:18but that is armor and not strength. Or
3:21they think that it just means being
3:23healed. But using the word healed is
3:25very vague and anyone can say that. A
3:28secure person is something more
3:30specific. It is someone who has done the
3:34real internal work and it has changed
3:37the way that they love. It has changed
3:39the way that they hold their limits and
3:42the way that they see themselves when
3:45absolutely no one is watching and when
3:49absolutely no one is confirming that. So
3:52what does that actually look like? So
3:55what I've realized from my experience is
3:57that becoming a secure person is
4:00becoming someone who has stopped looking
4:03for themselves in other people. You get
4:05to become someone that is not defined by
4:08who chooses you. Doesn't defined by how
4:10a conversation went or whether someone
4:12texted you back. They are someone that
4:15they have built something solid on the
4:18inside and it's something that no
4:20relationship and no relationship outcome
4:23can come and take it away from you. And
4:25from that place they learn and they get
4:28to love freely. They get to hold their
4:31standards. They get to hold their
4:32boundaries and they move through the
4:34world without needing constant proof
4:38that they are enough, that they are
4:39valuable, that they are worth of love
4:42and receiving love. And the most
4:44important thing to understand is that
4:46this is not a personality type. It's not
4:48something that you are born with and
4:51some people are lucky to have it and
4:52some people just don't. It's literally a
4:55way of being that you build. And it's
4:57something that you get to build slowly,
4:59intentionally, and deliberately from the
5:02inside out. And that shows up not in
5:06what you say about yourself and what you
5:08say you're going to do in your
5:09relationships, but it actually shows in
5:12what you do. It how you behave. When
5:16love and relationships and big emotions
5:18are testing you, when love gets
5:21complicated, when feelings get big, and
5:23when staying will honestly be easier
5:27than living. And from my experience, it
5:29comes down to 10 things. So, let's go
5:31into the rules that I from experience
5:34learn that a secure person lives by.
5:37Rule number one is that their emotional
5:39stability is an inside job. But what I
5:42mean by that, a secure person doesn't
5:44depend on other people to regulate them.
5:46So their sense of calmness, their sense
5:49of peace and their sense of internal
5:51emotional stability doesn't come from
5:54the outside. Doesn't depend from the
5:56outside. And this is honestly the
5:58foundation and everything else I'm going
6:00to tell you is going to sit on top of
6:02this one. So if this one doesn't exist,
6:04anything else that you add is just
6:05simply going to crumble. So, a secure
6:08person is not at the mercy of someone
6:11else's behavior. They don't wake up and
6:14they immediately start scanning for
6:16signals for what they are worth. That
6:19did that person text them? Did this
6:20person's tone change? Does that person
6:23seem distant today? And then they let
6:25these answers decide how they will feel
6:28about themselves. That cycle of reading
6:31the room constantly and trying to figure
6:34out how you're supposed to feel is
6:36honestly one of the most exhausting and
6:38the most draining things that you can
6:40do. But most of us when we are in this
6:43cycle, we are doing it without ever
6:46realizing that we're doing it and
6:48without ever realizing how much energy
6:50this is draining us. So a secure person
6:53has been able to build an internal
6:55foundation that is genuinely theirs. It
6:58is not borrowed from a relationship,
7:00from another person or from anyone else.
7:03And it's not dependent on being chosen.
7:06It comes from all of that unglamorous
7:09and hard work of actually getting to
7:12know yourself, getting to know what you
7:14value, what you need, what you believe
7:16about yourself when no one else is yet
7:20affirming it. And that foundation that
7:22you build about yourself is what allows
7:25you to stay calm when things with
7:28relationships start to feel uncertain.
7:30And it's not because you don't care
7:32anymore, but it's because you no longer
7:36outsource your sense of self to the
7:38outcome of that relationship. You don't
7:40attach your sense of self to how that
7:43person or how that relationship is
7:45working. You don't take it personally as
7:48something that means something about
7:49yourself. If your mood lives and dies by
7:52someone else's behavior right now, you
7:55get to see that as information and not
7:58as judgment towards yourself but just as
8:00information about where you stand and
8:03where you still have things to work on.
8:06Rule number two is that they have done
8:08the actual inner work and not just the
8:10language of it. I know this one might
8:12sing a bit but just bear with me. I
8:14understand [clears throat] that we live
8:15in an era where a lot of psychological
8:17language is everywhere. So there are a
8:19lot of videos about attachment cells,
8:21nervous system regulation, trauma
8:23responses, inner child work. These are
8:26the things that I like to speak about
8:28and I like explaining them and raising
8:30awareness to people so they can
8:33understand that their actions, their
8:35behaviors are coming from somewhere and
8:37they can be changed and doesn't have to
8:40be their whole life. Yes, these are real
8:43frameworks and they're genuinely so
8:46important to help and raise awareness.
8:48But we need to understand there's a
8:50version of engaging with all of these
8:53that never leaves your head. It's very
8:55important that you understand that and
8:57you become aware of this as well. You
8:59learn the vocabulary. You can identify
9:02your patterns perfectly. You can explain
9:05exactly why you do what you do and then
9:08you go and you do it anyway. So, a
9:11secure person is someone that was able
9:13to move past that stage, the stage of
9:16just learning and accumulating
9:18information and knowledge. They didn't
9:20just learn about their anxious
9:22attachment, but they were able to feel
9:24it, to sit with it, to trace it back to
9:27where it came from, and then to slowly
9:29start to rewire it. And you're able to
9:32do it through coaching, through actually
9:34choosing differently even when it's very
9:37uncomfortable, and through sitting with
9:39the anxiety of not chasing after someone
9:42and finding out that you actually
9:44survived it. And it's there's really no
9:46shortcuts here. Content consumption will
9:49never be the same as healing, just as
9:52much as reading will never equal doing
9:55the thing. And the difference shows the
9:58difference between these two things
9:59shows. Not in what you get to say and
10:02what you get to understand
10:04intellectually, but in what you do when
10:06things get hard, in the way that you
10:08embody that truth and understanding
10:11through your body language, through your
10:14behavior, through your actions. Rule
10:16number three is that they know how to
10:19communicate and they don't perform. So,
10:21a secure person says what they mean and
10:23they say that directly without hinting
10:26at something 16 times and waiting for
10:29someone to care enough to notice,
10:31without expecting someone to
10:33telepathically read their mind. And I
10:36know this sounds simple, but it really
10:39is not. A lot of people with insecure
10:42attachment styles really struggle with
10:44this one. And the reason for that is
10:46because direct communication asks you to
10:49risk something real. It's asking you to
10:52say this hurt me or I need this and it
10:56asking you to do that without knowing
10:58how the other person will respond and
11:00how they will react to that. So it's
11:03asking you to name what you need without
11:05any guarantee that it will be met. And
11:07for a lot of people, that kind of
11:08vulnerability feels way more dangerous
11:11and way more scary than just going quiet
11:15and hoping that the other person will
11:17see them and will understand them and
11:20that they will love them enough to like
11:22see through them. But here's what a
11:24secure person understands. A secure
11:26person gets to understand that unclear
11:28communication is not an act of kindness
11:31is not an act of politeness is simply
11:35self-p protection dressed up as
11:38politeness. So when you drop hints
11:41instead of just saying the thing that
11:43you want to say you're simply protecting
11:45yourself from the real response and from
11:47the real truth of how the other person
11:50will respond to that thing that actually
11:53really matters to you. And as a result,
11:55the relationship pays for that. So a
11:57secure person learns to talk about what
12:00they need, what isn't working. They know
12:03how to say what they want things to look
12:06like going forward. And so they do that
12:09without any performance, without waiting
12:11for that perfect moment and without
12:14making the other person feel like they
12:16are being tested because they are not.
12:19They are simply treating them like an
12:21adult. They actually respect. They are
12:24showing them grace by telling them the
12:27truth. And honestly, learning to express
12:29yourself freely without any shame and
12:32without any guilt. And giving someone
12:34else that space and that grace to
12:37actually understand you is one of the
12:39most freeing things that you can do for
12:41yourself and for the other person. You
12:43communicate yourself clearly. Yes, with
12:46the fear and the risk that that person
12:49might not meet you the way that you want
12:51them. But you give yourself the freedom
12:54to express what you want and you give
12:56that that person the freedom to show you
12:59clearly how much they care for you, how
13:03much and how seriously they take you,
13:05right? Because once you stop
13:07miscommunicating, you start
13:09communicating clearly, there's nowhere
13:11to hide. There's nothing to say that,
13:13oh, they just don't they just don't
13:14understand it. I am just not good at
13:16communicate. So maybe they didn't read
13:18it through. Like once you say clearly
13:20and they actually don't meet you, you
13:23actually know at that point how much
13:25that person values you. And knowing that
13:28can be scarier sometimes. Rule number
13:31four is that they don't chase what isn't
13:35choosing them. And I want to be careful
13:37here because I know that this one gets
13:39oversimplified. A secure person isn't
13:42someone who bails out the moment that
13:44things get hard. They understand that
13:48relationships take work. They understand
13:50that people go through hard seasons, but
13:53they have also learned usually through
13:55the hard way to tell the difference and
13:57understand the nuance between someone
13:59who is genuinely present, but right now
14:02they're going through a phase where
14:03they're struggling and someone who is
14:05just not that invested and is benefiting
14:08from their willingness to keep trying.
14:11And they understand that the second one
14:13is not something they have to chase or
14:16they need to chase to change them and
14:18make them become the first one. And they
14:20don't do that because they want to play
14:22the game and because they're trying to
14:24seem less available and so they hook
14:26that person. But they do that because
14:28they know what it costs them if they
14:31don't if they don't stop chasing. So
14:34every time they they overfunction for
14:37someone who is underinvesting all of
14:39them late night text the explaining
14:41themselves the shrinking the convincing
14:44the begging they are basically making
14:48deposits into someone and something that
14:51isn't making deposits back that isn't
14:53giving anything back and they have
14:56stopped pretending that they can afford
14:59that. A secure person lets people show
15:02them who they are and then they believe
15:04them. Rule number five is that they love
15:08fully without disappearing into it. And
15:10this might be the one that I feel most
15:13strongly about because there is this
15:14misconception that a secure person is
15:17somehow more guarded or is more
15:20detached, is less romantic. They don't
15:23care. They're not so invested. and that
15:25all this inner work turns you into
15:27someone cool and unbothered and kind of
15:31just closed off. But the truth is is
15:34that it's the opposite. A secure person
15:36is someone that is able to love more
15:39deeply than they ever did before. And
15:42that is because they are not spending
15:44half of their energy managing the
15:47relationship's anxiety, managing all of
15:50the stress, performing or monitoring
15:53where they stand and checking in all the
15:56time. They get to actually be present.
15:58They are able to give love warmly and
16:00generously because they are giving it
16:03from a place of genuine fullness because
16:05their cup is full and not from fear that
16:08if they stop giving they will be left.
16:11So there's a difference of doing it of
16:13giving love because you have so much
16:15that you're overflowing and giving it
16:18from a place of fear that if you don't
16:19give that little love that you have to
16:22someone they're going to leave. So what
16:24they don't do is that they don't
16:26disappear into a relationship. So that
16:28means they their identity doesn't
16:31dissolve into their relationship. Their
16:33friendships don't get quietly cancelled.
16:36Their goals don't get shelved. Their
16:39sense of self doesn't become entirely
16:42about how this one person sees them.
16:45They get to love someone deeply and they
16:47get to see themselves. It's these both
16:50things at once and they know that any
16:52love that is worth having and any love
16:55that is fully healthy and secure will
16:58never ask them to choose between these
17:00two things. A secure love, a healthy
17:02love will never ask you to lose yourself
17:05in order to keep it. And I want to
17:07clarify that because there are a lot of
17:09anxious attachments that they do that
17:10they go into a relationship and they
17:14start dissolving and losing themselves
17:16in it. They start um crossing their
17:19boundaries. They allowing people to walk
17:21over them. They do a lot of they push
17:23back a lot of their needs and stuff like
17:26that. And when the other person doesn't
17:28do the same, doesn't dissolve, doesn't
17:30lose themsself into their relationship,
17:33they get angry and they get resentful to
17:36that person that they don't love them as
17:38much as them because they're not willing
17:40to lose themselves in that relationship
17:42as much as they're willing to do so. But
17:45they don't understand that this they do
17:48it because they feel like they need to
17:51in order to keep that person and keep
17:53that little sense of love in order for
17:55them to like have access to it and feel
17:58like they are worth loving. They do that
18:00because they feel like they need it and
18:02they have to and not because they do
18:05that from an overflow of love. You can
18:08tell this when you actually be go from
18:10anxious to secure that you are no longer
18:14willing to lose yourself for a
18:16relationship. You understand that wow me
18:20asking that before from these people was
18:22so selfish. Asking that person to like
18:25completely lose their boundaries, lose
18:28themselves in this relationship was
18:30actually very selfish of me and I did it
18:33out of my need for their love and
18:36because I didn't have it. I didn't have
18:37it on my own and I needed theirs to
18:40prove it to me. Once you become secure,
18:42you get to value yourself. You get to
18:46value how important it is to have a good
18:50relationship and still having yourself
18:52in it because it's so amazing to get to
18:56have yourself fully and get to have the
18:58relationship without ever having to
19:02cross all your boundaries, lose
19:03yourself, make all of these sacrifices.
19:06And at the end of the day, you feel like
19:08you don't know who you've become. It's
19:10so much more gratifying to end up in a
19:13relationship where you feel like you
19:15become more of yourself because that
19:18person gets to see the real you and they
19:20make you, they allow you to be seen as
19:23who you truly are and they want you and
19:25that version of you to flourish and grow
19:28even more. Rule number six is that a
19:30secure person holds their standards
19:33especially when it's inconvenient. The
19:35thing about standards is that they are
19:37very easy when everyone is on their best
19:40behavior. The real test though is when
19:43someone you actually like shows you
19:45something that you said that you
19:47wouldn't accept anymore. And that is the
19:49moment that a secure person is defined.
19:52A secure person has done the work of
19:54knowing what they actually need. They
19:57don't know some abstract list but they
20:00understand they have a list built from
20:02their real experiences and the lessons
20:05they learned from those experiences
20:07about what they wanted and what they
20:08need. So from paying attention to what
20:11drains them, what disrespects them, what
20:14they have overexplained away before and
20:17they can't just keep living with it.
20:20they have learned and they now know
20:24their non-negotiables with real
20:27specificity. And so when someone doesn't
20:30meet them, no matter how charming that
20:32person is, even if that person is
20:34someone that they're genuinely so
20:35attracted to, even if that someone is
20:38someone that takes nine out of the 10
20:40things that they say they want, they
20:42don't convince themselves that that one
20:45thing doesn't matter because they know
20:47that they have been there before. And
20:49they know that the thing that they
20:51minimize at the beginning is going to
20:53become the thing that you're going to
20:54resent in the end. And so they know to
20:57hold that standard, to hold every single
21:00one of their standards. And they don't
21:02do it rigidly. They don't do it without
21:04any compassion. But they do it firmly
21:06and out of self-respect because they
21:09know that lowering the bar in order to
21:12keep someone isn't actually allowing
21:14them to keep them, but it's just
21:16postponing a very painful exit. And
21:20while at the same time, you're just
21:21slowly losing pieces of yourself along
21:24the way because you have disrespected
21:27yourself again by doing the thing that
21:28you said you wouldn't do. Rule number
21:31seven is that they feel everything.
21:33They're just not governed by it. And I
21:36want you to understand that security is
21:38not the absence of any big emotions and
21:41any big feelings. And I want to be
21:43really clear about this because I think
21:45getting this wrong can do a lot of
21:47damage. A secure person gets jealous
21:50sometimes. They get anxious. They get
21:52hurt. They have their moments of
21:54self-doubt of self consciousness. They
21:57are not perfect. They're not a monk.
21:59They are a human being with their own
22:02nervous system and their own real
22:04feelings. The difference is what they do
22:07with those feelings. They don't repress
22:09them to seem easy. They don't perform
22:11them to get a reaction out of someone
22:14and they don't make any major
22:16relationship decisions from inside that
22:18spiral of that of all of those emotions.
22:21So they understand that they need to
22:23feel the feeling to take it seriously
22:26and to ask themselves what is actually
22:29telling them and then they respond to
22:32that feeling from a place from a
22:34grounded place instead of reacting from
22:36a triggered one. And that gap between
22:39feeling something and acting on it is
22:42one of the most powerful things that a
22:44person can build. And it doesn't come
22:47naturally. Again, it's not something
22:48that you're born with it. It comes from
22:51practice because as humans we have this
22:53animal instinct to react but we need to
22:56remind ourselves that we're not animals.
22:58We get to like act beyond that. So it
23:01comes from a lot of practice from
23:03choosing over and over again to slow
23:05down instead of react and to ask why
23:09instead of just doing and to trust that
23:12feeling will slowly move through you if
23:15you let it. It's very important to
23:16remember here that emotions are just
23:19like waves. They need to like come up
23:22and once you feel them, they're going to
23:23come up and they're going to go down.
23:25But the more you meet them with a wall,
23:28like they're going to keep crashing
23:29here. But if you let them like do the f
23:31do their f full circle, they're just
23:34going to eventually calm down. Rule
23:36number eight is that a secure person
23:38chooses themselves first without any
23:41guilt. So, a secure person has unlearned
23:44the idea that putting themselves first
23:48is selfish, that taking up space is too
23:50much, that having needs makes them
23:53difficult. They learn to prioritize
23:55their own health, meaning their sleep,
23:57their mental state, the things that keep
24:00them feeling like themselves. and they
24:03know to invest in their own growth
24:05without waiting for permission or
24:08without waiting for a partner to do it
24:10alongside them. So they they've learned
24:14to end conversations that leave them
24:16feeling worse and leave them feeling
24:19drained, more drained than when they
24:21started them. They learned to leave
24:23situations that consistently cost them
24:26their peace even when it's inconvenient,
24:28even when the other person is hurt. and
24:32even when staying will honestly be
24:35easier. And they do this without the
24:37guilt that used to come after because
24:40they have genuinely internalized
24:43something that took a long time to
24:45understand. They understand that you
24:47cannot sustainably give what you haven't
24:50given yourself first. And this is thing
24:52where you cannot give from an empty cup.
24:55A secure person understands that. And
24:57when they know that they move through
24:59the world differently. They know that if
25:02they don't focus on watering their
25:05garden first and filling their cup
25:08first, they will be left with nothing
25:10for themselves and for the other person.
25:13So they're doing no one any favor by
25:16betraying themselves, by like overgiving
25:19themselves. Because in the end, the more
25:22you keep yourself alive and in your best
25:25shape, in your best mental shape,
25:27emotional shape, you you is like keeping
25:30a tree alive. When you keep a tree
25:33alive, it is able to grow and to create
25:35fruit and to benefit the community, to
25:38benefit the people around it. When a
25:40tree becomes dry and overgives his like
25:43I I don't know if this is a good example
25:45but when you over give like you become
25:48something that then is not of any use
25:51like you kill yourself and therefore
25:53you're no longer of any use to anyone
25:55else either. So I beg of you to
25:58understand the difference and the
25:59importance of always putting yourself
26:02first and have zero guilt for doing
26:05that. Rule number nine is that a secure
26:07person is not afraid of being alone. And
26:10oh my god, this one is huge. This one is
26:13so crucial. And I feel like this one is
26:15not talked about enough about how huge
26:18and important it is. So much of what it
26:21looks like poor romantic choices like
26:23staying too long, accepting less than
26:25what you deserve, tolerating
26:27inconsistencies, and so on isn't really
26:30about the other person and accepting the
26:33other person and what they do to you.
26:35But is it more has to do with the fear
26:38or may I say the terror of being alone.
26:41The fear that alone means unwanted. That
26:44being alone means something is wrong
26:45with you. That alone is a state to
26:48escape as fast as possible at whatever
26:51cost. So a secure person is a person
26:54that has made peace with solitude and
26:57not because they don't want love and
26:58they don't want people around them and
27:00they feel like they don't need anyone.
27:02They do and they want that deeply. But
27:05they do that because they have learned
27:07to genuinely be okay in their own
27:10company. They have a relationship with
27:13themselves first that isn't painful to
27:16sit inside with, but it's actually
27:18feeling so peaceful and so safe and so
27:21secure there that they're not willing to
27:25allow to bring anyone in their life that
27:28isn't going to match that level of peace
27:31and security and safety that they feel
27:35like they feel with themselves. So they
27:37have built a life that they don't need
27:40to escape from and literally that
27:42changes everything. So when you are not
27:45running from being alone, you stop
27:47running also towards the wrong people.
27:49You stop accepting all of the bare
27:51minimum behavior because it's at least
27:53something. You stop convincing yourself
27:56that a halfpresent person is better than
27:59no one. You learn that you can wait and
28:03you are not willing to compromise on the
28:06person that you put and you allow to
28:08come into your life. You get to be
28:10discerning. You get to choose slowly and
28:14intentionally because you're not
28:16desperate for anyone to be in your life.
28:19You understand the value of yourself and
28:22your life and you don't just allow
28:24anyone to just come into it and do
28:26whatever they want with it. So solitude
28:29stops being something that happens to
28:32you and it becomes something that you
28:34can actually choose and that is real
28:36freedom. Getting to know yourself so
28:39fully and enjoying your company in such
28:42a level that you truly feel like so good
28:45with being yourself, it makes you it
28:47gives you the most freedom. And when you
28:50go into that state, that's when you
28:52choose the highest quality of people
28:55because you don't choose them because
28:57you need them to fill in a gap, but you
28:59choose them because they bring something
29:01into your life and not because you they
29:03have something that you don't have, but
29:05because they make your life, it's a
29:09plus, it's an addition. It's like they
29:11add something like to your life, but
29:13they don't complete you. You're already
29:15complete. You're already fulfilled.
29:17You're already whole. And you know that
29:18even if that person leaves, you're going
29:21to be okay. You're going to be just fine
29:23on your own. And is this like difference
29:25between understanding being
29:27overindependent as an armor and as a
29:29protection to being vulnerable and
29:32actually being independent because you
29:34know the value of yourself and that
29:38you're not willing to just let anyone
29:40come in your life and just to be in it.
29:43So you are not alone and society doesn't
29:45perceive you as unwanted. You will
29:48rather sit with that discomfort of being
29:51perceived as unwanted rather than being
29:54with someone that doesn't fully respect
29:57you and see your value. A rule number 10
30:00is that a secure person, they are always
30:03quietly becoming more themselves. A
30:06secure person is not a finished product.
30:08It's not something that I want you to
30:09think that oh I need to become that and
30:12then it's done. They didn't just arrive
30:14somewhere and then they stop growing.
30:16they stop evolving. They are in a
30:19constant committed relationship with
30:22their own growth, with their own
30:24transformation. And not from a place,
30:26oh, I'm broken and I need to keep fixing
30:28me, but from a genuine curiosity about
30:31who they are and who they are becoming.
30:34Because they value themselves so much.
30:37They see how inherently worthy they are
30:39that they keep wanting more for
30:42themselves. Not because they feel like
30:44they are something they are missing
30:46something but because they want to keep
30:48evolving as a person. So there are
30:50people that they read, they reflect,
30:52they go back to therapy when they need
30:54to and not just when they are in a
30:56crisis. They pay attention to their
30:59patterns, they notice when they have
31:02drifted from themselves and they find
31:04their way back without making a whole
31:06drama about it. So they are honest to
31:09themselves and they don't do it with
31:11with being harsh and being
31:13perfectionistic, but they do it with
31:14clarity. And honestly, this is probably
31:18what makes them the most magnetic. And
31:20not just their confidence in themselves,
31:22but not just their standards, not even
31:25the way that they love and how much
31:27they're able to genuinely deeply love
31:30someone. It's that they are genuinely
31:32actively becoming something. There is a
31:35depth to them that doesn't run out. It's
31:39a person of so much value that they
31:42understand their value and how they
31:45deserve to keep evolving and that gets
31:47mirrored and reflected back to them by
31:50people who also get to see their value
31:52and they get to understand wow like this
31:54is an amazing person to have around the
31:57people in their life romantic or
31:59otherwise can't feel that and of course
32:02they get magnetized and they get drawn
32:04to them. So what is a secure person?
32:07They are not a type. They're not an
32:09aesthetic. They're not a personality.
32:11They are not a checklist that you get to
32:13complete and then you frame on your
32:14wall. But they are what happens when
32:18someone stops looking for themselves in
32:20other people and instead they start
32:23building themselves from inside
32:25themselves from the inside out. And when
32:27they stop measuring their worth by who
32:31wants them and they start measuring it
32:33by who they are, when no one is
32:36watching, when no one is confirming,
32:39when no one is telling them that they
32:40are worth it yet, when they decide for
32:43their own that they are inherently
32:45worthy, they're inherently valuable and
32:48they give themselves everything that
32:50they ask for from another person. When
32:53they start to learn that their love is
32:56not supposed to feel like a performance,
32:58doesn't feel like a test or a slow
33:01erosion of yourself, they are a person
33:04that they are soft, but at the same time
33:06they are solid. They are open and they
33:08are rooted. They get to heal from
33:10everything that happened to them without
33:12becoming hard. They are not the person
33:15who never gets hurt. But they are the
33:17person who knows with absolute certainty
33:20that even if they do get hurt, they will
33:23be okay. They have that innate trust in
33:25themselves. They have that faith in
33:27themselves and in the universe that no
33:30matter what happens, it happens for them
33:34and not to them. They know that they
33:36will always be able to come back to
33:38themselves and that is not a scary place
33:41to be and that no matter what happens,
33:44they are always going to be all right.
33:46And that is a secure person. And if
33:48you're watching this and you're
33:50thinking, "Oh my god, that is exactly
33:52what I want for myself. That is
33:54precisely everything that I need to be."
33:58I just want you to know that this is
34:01possible for you. And I know that you
34:02can get there because I was where you
34:04are now. And I really get deeply wanted
34:07to become that secure grounded version
34:10of myself. And I did it. And I know not
34:13just from myself, but from the
34:15experiences of my clients that this is
34:18possible. So if in case you need any
34:20help or any guidance on how to do this,
34:23you can always contact me on my
34:24Instagram. And yeah, I would love to see
34:27how I can help you. Thank you so much
34:29for watching guys. I appreciate you for
34:31being here and I will see you on the
34:33next

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