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Sebastian Marx - Un new yorkais à Paris - SPECTACLE COMPLET — Transcript

by Sebastian Marx en VF · 9,811 words · 1,617 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:14Aurélie ?
0:15Yes.
0:15Yes, hello.
0:16I'm Sebastian's stage manager. Please follow me.
0:19She's here with me.
0:21Set up protocol 32. Turn on the ceiling lights.
0:24I don't know, put them somewhere else, come on.
0:26And if people arrive late, whatever you do, don't let them in.
0:28He doesn't want that.
0:29He is very stressed out tonight, so make sure you speak to him slowly.
0:31Yes. Did anyone bring waffles? he wants waffles.
0:37Sebastian?
0:38Yes!
0:38She has arrived.
0:41She has arrived. She's here.
0:43Hello.
0:44Aurélie.
0:46I'll come... uh...
0:48later...
0:52Orly?
0:53You mean like the airport?
0:56Sorry, sit down.
0:58Thanks.
0:58No thank you for coming all the Way out here.
1:01It's ok.
1:03So...
1:04How can I help you?
1:05Well I'm an American comedian living in France now...
1:08Oh, tell me if you don't understand something, ok?
1:10Sure, no problem.
1:11So now I'm living in France
1:13And I'd like to speak French
1:14So that I can perform for the French people.
1:17Normal.
1:18And so you want French lessons?
1:20Yes, but intensive French lessons
1:21Because I'm going to perform very soon.
1:23Sure, no problem.
1:25Let's start speaking in French together
1:27That way I can evaluate your level.
1:29Sorry?
1:30Oh sorry.
1:32Let's start speaking in French
1:33To one another
1:35That way I can evaluate your level of French.
1:39Can you speak a bit slower please?
1:41What is your French level?
1:42Oh, my level of French, okay.
1:44Rendez-vous...
1:45Déjà-vu...
1:47Sacrebleu...
1:48Et... voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir ?
1:51Oh "putain"...
1:53"Putain"!
1:54I heard that word on the subway today
1:55when I bumped into someone, it sounds like a great word.
1:58What does it mean?
2:01The best is to set up a timeline
2:04That way, I create my lessons
2:06based on the time we have.
2:08So, when do you want to first perform ?
2:11Tonight.
2:16I already forgot that you are a comedian.
2:25Would this be a good time to say "putain"?
2:28Oh shit...
2:37My name is Aurélie.
2:40My name is Orly.
2:42No MY name is Aurélie.
2:44Oh of course, sorry.
2:46MY name is Orly.
2:56Sebastian?
2:59"Rouler... Rouler des pelles"...
3:02French kiss.
3:03If you prefer.
3:04I'm sorry but it's time.
3:05For what?
3:07Oh yes, sorry...
3:10Yeah, they're with me. They were making out.
3:13Don't forget that in French we say "he raises the hand"
3:15and not "his hand".
3:16We say "affirmatif" and not "affirmative".
3:19And in France, when we French kiss we yield to the right.
3:21Besides that, you're all good.
3:24Thanks Orly, you were an excellence teacher.
3:27"ExcellenT" !
3:30"break a leg"!
3:33What?!
3:35Got to go.
3:37Oh "putain"...
4:05Good evening and thanks to all of you for coming out.
4:10I'm so happy to be here at the Européen Theater.
4:14Yeah!
4:20And before I start the show.
4:23I'd just like to specify
4:25that I really speak like this, okay?
4:28This is my real accent.
4:30I admit it's kind of awful.
4:33It's a mix between Jane Birkin and Karl Lagerfeld.
4:38Drunk.
4:39I speak like someone from Quebec:
4:41In that you don't need subtitles
4:43but if they were there you'd read them.
4:47That kind of accent.
4:49But it's not my fault that I talk like this.
4:51It's the fault of the French language.
4:53Because this language wasn't created by linguists.
4:55It was created by artists of abstract expressionism.
5:00I'm going to take an "e", an "a" and a "u"
5:02And pronounce it "O"
5:07And then I'm going to put an "x"
5:09But I'm not going to pronounce it.
5:22It's crazy,
5:24You French people love
5:25putting x's and z's at the end of words that you don't pronounce at all.
5:29I think that the creators of the French language
5:31just wanted to win at Scrabble.
5:34"Joyeux"... "j", "o", "y", "e","u"...
5:37"x"
5:39There's no "x" in "joyeux" !
5:40Now there is! 73 points, thank you very much.
5:44That's why if one day I'd be stranded on a desert island.
5:47I hope that this island is not a French speaking one,
5:49Because I'd never get off the island.
5:51Because the word "Help"
5:52is way easier to write in the sand than
5:55"au" fucking "secours" okay!
5:58And I have no idea if "au secours"
5:59is singular or plural.
6:01And my life would depend on my grammar.
6:03Because if I make a mistake anywhere
6:04the French pilot would say, "I don't understand."
6:10And let me die on the island.
6:14Every time I perform my show
6:16I have an audience from all over the world.
6:18I have lots of foreigners coming to see me.
6:20So I'd like to know, are there any foreigners here tonight?
6:23Foreigners, tonight?
6:25Front row!
6:26There's a little girl in the front row.
6:29Does she know she's a foreigner?
6:33-"She's American. She doesn't understand much."
6:34OK, she's American.
6:36What part? Where are you from?
6:39-"Texas!"
6:40Texas!
6:41But she's too cute to be from Texas.
6:45Are there any other foreigners?
6:48Yes!
6:48-"From Mexico"
6:49Mexico, Hola.
6:51Como estas?
6:52Let's stop there, that's all I got.
6:55Have you been in France for a longtime?
6:57-"I'm on vacation."
6:58You're on vacation.
6:59For how long?
7:00-"15 days"
7:0115 days.
7:01And you already speak French that well?
7:02It's...
7:05Not a problem!
7:07Are you French, sir?
7:08-"Yes"
7:08OK, and where did you guys meet?
7:11-"In Mexico City!"
7:11In Mexico City.
7:12You went all the way there to get some.
7:15Good for you. You speak French at home?
7:18-"Yes"
7:18Fine, no problem.
7:21With no accent on top of it.
7:22She has no accent, right?
7:25No!
7:25I hate you a little bit. okay...
7:29So we have Mexico here. Any other foreigners?
7:32Yes, in the back.
7:33-"Argentina"
7:34Holà!
7:35Have you been here a while?
7:37-"2 years"
7:372 years! Do you like France?
7:40-"Uh...yeah..."
7:44Nobody here believed you.
7:47And why did you come here?
7:48-"For the French language."
7:51To learn the French language?
7:53It takes way more than 2 years.
7:56At least for me.
7:57OK and you came here just to learn the language?
8:00Yes but afterwards I found a job and so I stayed here.
8:03Because of him?
8:05All the French guys here tonight have hooked up with Latin Americans.
8:11So you came here for the job and now you are staying for love, is that right?
8:14-"Yes"
8:15OK and so now you don't work?
8:17-"No I do"
8:18Oh OK.
8:19Because this is the best country to be unemployed in.
8:23Honestly you should take advantage of it.
8:25-"We pay our taxes..."
8:27You pay your taxes?
8:29Yeah, right. Me too.
8:32And you guys speak French with one another?
8:34-"Uh yes..."
8:35Sir, do you speak a bit of Spanish?
8:37-"Un poquito"
8:38Un poquito.
8:39Show off!
8:44And when I say "foreigner"
8:45that means anyone outside of Paris.
8:49Yes, here! Why, where are you from?
8:52-"I'm Italian. From the middle of Italy."
8:54The middle of Italy?
8:55You're like,
8:56"He's American, he's not going to know the name of my town."
9:01What's the name of the town?
9:03-"Chieti!"
9:04That's near the middle, right?
9:12How long are you in France for?
9:14-"It's been 6 and a half years."
9:156 and a half years. And why did you come?
9:19-"For work"
9:19For work as well. OK
9:21And where do you work?
9:23-"Nowhere for the moment."
9:24Nowhere!
9:30Good for you!
9:31OK French people.
9:32French people in the room
9:34Make some noise.
9:38Good
9:41Yeah.
9:43Is it going, French people?
9:47I asked you guys if it's going because
9:49"It's going?" is the most important question in French.
9:52Because it's both a question and an answer at the same time.
9:55"It's going?" "It's going!"
9:58"It's going?" "It's going!"
9:59When the French people meet each other
10:00they sound like parrots
10:01trying to identify a member of their own species.
10:04"It's going?" "It's going!"
10:06"It's going?" "It's going!"
10:09What's strange about "it's going",
10:11is that the more you repeat "it's going", the less you're doing well.
10:14"It's going?"
10:15"It's going, it's going..."
10:18"It's going."
10:20If the person says it a fourth time, be careful, he's probably suicidal.
10:25All that to say that it's possible that
10:27I'm going to make many mistakes in French tonight.
10:29And if that's the case, you can correct me.
10:33But you can also go fuck yourselves.
10:37Because you didn't come here tonight
10:39to a show by an American in order to hear a perfect mastering of the subjunctive.
10:44Yes, because I'm American.
10:47Just silence in the room now.
10:49It wasn't like that for 8 years.
10:50For 8 years I would tell French people that I was American
10:53And everyone would say: "We love you guys!"
10:56Now there's just silence.
10:58Because we went from Barack Obama to Donald fucking Trump.
11:02American politics today just
11:04ressembles Mickael Jackson's career.
11:07We went from a distinguished black man
11:09to a white sex offender.
11:11That's what happened.
11:22OK so you like it when I shit on Americans.
11:25I see.
11:29And I'm not only American. I'm also Jewish.
11:33Silence again, OK.
11:35So I'm Jewish and American,
11:37so if the jihadists come tonight, I'll be the first to go.
11:42I am the Pokemon they're looking for.
11:46They have apps for us.
11:49I say that I'm Jewish but I'm not very religious.
11:51The last time I lit candles on a Friday night
11:55was to fuck.
12:00So basically, the only thing really Jewish about me
12:02is my penis and my mother.
12:11And that's the last time I'd like to have these two words
12:13in the same sentence.
12:16So yes, I'm circumcised because it's really important for us Jews.
12:19Because it represents a union with God.
12:22which goes to show that the Jewish god is insecure.
12:25Honestly if someone says, "Okay we can be friends,"
12:28"but only if you cut the tip of your willy off."
12:30you'd ask him to lower his friendship standards.
12:34Especially because right next to him
12:35there's the Christian god that says: "Listen, if you pour just a little bit of water"
12:38"on your head, you're golden!"
12:41You have to admit that Jesus has a better marketing team than Moses.
12:49And I'm a strange kind of American Jew
12:51because my parents are from Argentina.
12:54So I'm an Argentine New York Jew.
12:59There aren't many of us out there.
13:00So I grew up thinking
13:02that I am really handsome member
13:04of the chosen people,
13:05living in the greatest city in the world.
13:08Nobody is more arrogant than I am.
13:10Besides the Parisians of course.
13:17And you guys are proud of it.
13:20The story of my family is a typically Jewish one:
13:22My grandparents fled Europe because of the Nazis.
13:25My parents fled Argentina because of the dictators
13:27and I came to Europe to flee my parents.
13:33A typically Jewish story.
13:35Often people ask me why France.
13:36Why did I choose to move to France.
13:38I tell them that like most Americans
13:39I'm here in France to not work.
13:43I'm here to live the French Dream.
13:45which is 5 weeks paid vacation,
13:48free healthcare,
13:49and the freedom to sit out on the terrace of a cafe
13:52smoking a cigarette, drinking an aperitif,
13:54and talking shit about all the people
13:56walking by.
14:02That's the French Dream.
14:03And that's why we're here.
14:05And I was especially drawn to the French Dream
14:07because I grew up in the American Dream.
14:10I grew up in the Truman Show.
14:13You guys know The Truman Show?
14:14It was really The Truman Show where I grew up
14:16because my mother was a Desperate Housewife,
14:18my father was a Mad Man
14:20and I was dreaming of Sex And The City.
14:22And like Truman in The Truman Show,
14:24I was bored out of my mind.
14:25I longed to leave the bubble.
14:27That's why, when I met
14:28a pretty French girl in New York,
14:30it was the answer to all my desires.
14:32It was like a plane ticket to adventure and madness.
14:36It was like a visa with tits.
14:41It was especially exciting for me because I believe
14:42that life is like a river
14:44and the current carries us to our destiny.
14:46On this river of life, I was pretty much
14:48on a yacht
14:49with all my childhood and college friends
14:51and we were peacefully
14:53floating
14:54towards an easy and predictable future.
14:56But when this opportunity for adventure appeared in the water,
14:59I jumped off the yacht and dove
15:01into the river head first.
15:03All my friends panicked. They threw me lifebuoys
15:05But I refused all help because I wanted to learn how to swim by myself.
15:17And there you have it,
15:19That's how at 24 years old,
15:20I took a plane to join my girlfriend
15:25in Toulouse.
15:27In TOULOUSE !
15:29-"Yeah!!"
15:29NO!
15:32The fact that the name of this city
15:34"Toulouse"
15:35in English sounds like "to lose"
15:44Didn't strike me at the time.
15:46Yet it was very clear for all my friends at the time.
15:49"Wait, you're going to leave New York,
15:51a place where you have everything,
15:53for a place called,
15:54"To lose"?!
15:57You're crazy!
15:58And my reply every time was "You don't understand"
16:02Which was logical because I didn't understand either.
16:04But now I know why I did that.
16:06It's because I'm someone who needs a challenge.
16:09In my head, I have a 12 year old child named
16:12"Reckless Steve"
16:15and everytime I have a little harebrained idea he says
16:18"I double dare you"
16:20and because I have the arrogance of an Argentine New York Jew
16:23I have to take up the challenge
16:25despite all logical reasoning.
16:27So the idea to follow a girl to a place called
16:31"to lose"
16:33is a bit like pulling into a restaurant
16:35called "The Runs"
16:44And that's when Reckless Steve says,
16:47"I double dare you."
16:49"You double daring me?"
16:50"A table for one, please."
16:53And that's how I arrived here, where I had to learn about
16:56the French language, the French women and France.
17:00I've been here 15 years now
17:02and the big news that I'd like to share with you all
17:05tonight is that I now have
17:06French citizenship.
17:18Thanks for your applause because honestly
17:21I deserve it!
17:24Because it's not easy getting French citizenship.
17:26Let me explain.
17:26A year ago, I received a letter
17:29telling me that I was going to receive a letter,
17:31telling me that there was going to be a ceremony.
17:33At the ceremony, I received a receipt, to take to the city hall
17:37in order to get a form to fill out in order to get my ID.
17:40And I knew I was French at that point because I found all that
17:43totally normal.
17:52And it's because I was now a French citizen, that I was able to vote
17:55at last year's Presidential election.
17:57I have to say that the elections were very interesting.
18:01I think we can all agree on that.
18:03But it was especially true for me because I had no idea
18:04who the candidates were.
18:07I didn't really follow French politics before
18:09getting the French citizenship.
18:11So I had to catch up
18:13in order to know who was who.
18:14I felt like I was starting to watch
18:16Game of Thrones at season 4.
18:19I had tons of questions like,
18:20How is that
18:21guy the leader when nobody likes him?
18:24And why is that blond woman always surrounded
18:27by dragons?
18:31I learned a lot about French democracy.
18:33For example, I learned that there were 11 candidates
18:35in the first round.
18:3611!
18:38It's extremely varied here.
18:39You guys offer the full spectrum.
18:40From Karl Marx to Adolf Hitler. You guys have everything.
18:44In the United States, we only have 2 parties,
18:46McDonalds and Burger King.
18:49So either way, we wind up eating shit.
18:58So there were 11 candidates
18:59and on top of that there is the blank vote.
19:04So there are French people
19:05who get up,
19:07who get dressed,
19:09who leave the house ,
19:11just to say "no".
19:15No to everything.
19:16Leave it to the French to have the choice of 11 candidates
19:18and still say
19:19"the choice here sucks"
19:24And to be honest, the first time I heard people talk about the blank vote
19:27I thought this meant you vote for a white candidate.
19:31Like how us Americans, we voted black for 8 years,
19:34but recently we voted orange, you know?
19:40But I have something to say that is not popular at all,
19:42especially right now.
19:44I like Macron.
19:47And the room goes silent...
19:50Perhaps it's because there are some "Gilets Jaunes" (Yellow Vest Protesters)
19:52in the audience tonight?
19:54To be honnest, the first time I heard somebody talk
19:56about the "gilets jaunes" protesters,
19:58I thought they were talking about 2 guys:
20:01Gilles and John.
20:04Who were causing mayhem all over France.
20:08I like Macron because for me he's not a president.
20:11He's a sociological experiment,
20:14to prove that that the French are never happy.
20:17You guys are like Goldilocks.
20:20Before, there was Sarkozy,
20:22who was too hard.
20:23Then there was Hollande,
20:25who was too soft.
20:27And then Macron comes along.
20:29He is neither too conservative nor too liberal and you're like:
20:31"What a motherfucker!"
20:41Because he's married to Brigitte.
20:44What is she, like 20...
20:4720,000 years older than he is?
20:49But what I find amazing is that I heard lots of French people say
20:51"Their relationship is not normal"
20:52"They've got a strange relationship"
20:54Yet Brigitte and Macron
20:55have the most normal relationship
20:57that a French president has ever had.
20:59Before them there was François Hollande,
21:01who took a scooter
21:02to cheat on his wife!
21:04That's the most French thing anyone can do.
21:06Take a scooter to cheat on your wife.
21:08So he cheated on his wife with an actrice.
21:10Before that, there was Sarkozy,
21:12who divorced his wife while in office in order to go out
21:15with a top model.
21:16Before that, there was Chirac,
21:19who just fucked everybody.
21:21And before him there was Mitterrand,
21:23who had a hidden family.
21:26A hidden family!
21:29And they weren't even Jewish. That's impressive.
21:41All that to say that I find that you French people
21:43are rather welcoming to other nationalities.
21:46But you are very discrimatory against "cons".
21:50If you are a "con", you are the source of all of France's problems.
21:52And the definition of the word "con"
21:54is intentionally broad.
21:55A con can be an idiot, an asshole, a loser,
21:59a hick, it doesn't matter. If you piss off a French person,
22:01you are a "con".
22:03And the word "con" is not only the worst insult in France.
22:07It is alos the ultimate sign of friendship.
22:11If a French person tells you,
22:13You're "con".
22:14Jackpot!
22:16That's the best you could hope for.
22:18And the more I spend time here in France, the more I have
22:20the impression that the word "con" is more likely to come from the word "content"
22:23than the word "conceited".
22:25Take for example the tourist river boats in Paris .
22:28There you have a boat filled with people from all over the world
22:31who are so happy that they wave to the people
22:33standing on the quay.
22:37And how do the Parisians respond?
22:45"What a bunch of assholes"
22:48It's true that tourists are idiots.
22:50As a tourist, I was happy to do things
22:52that I would never do at home.
22:54Like visiting a cemetary
22:56where I don't know a soul.
23:00But what you guys certainly haven't noticed
23:03Is that you're just as stupid
23:04when you are visiting New York.
23:07Who here has been to New York?
23:09Oh wow a lot of you.
23:11Actually, I know.
23:12I've seen you there.
23:15Because you can always spot the French tourist
23:17in New York.
23:25Holy shit!
23:28We are in a movie.
23:32And when they're in Central Park,
23:33it's as if they were on a safari.
23:35Shhh! Look...
23:36a squirrel.
23:39And he's going through the trash. Take a picture.
23:43When in Paris the rest of the year, the Parisians try to hold their tongues
23:45in order to refrain from being too obnoxious.
23:46But when they're abroad,
23:47they believe it is vacation time for their tongues as well.
23:50So they let it all out as if they were speaking Swahili.
23:52"Oh look at all these SUVs!"
23:54"Americans don't give a shit about the environment!"
23:57Now that I speak French,
23:58I like to surprise them by saying:
24:00"No madame, it's just that"
24:01"the average American doesn't fit inside a Smart Car."
24:06For all the French people who've been to the U.S.,
24:08you probably found everything much bigger over there, right?
24:11It's not true.
24:12It's just that everything is small here.
24:14Here, the cars are small,
24:15the hamburgers are small, the butts are small.
24:18It's true that France is a country on a human scale.
24:21Well, a French human scale.
24:23For us Americans, it's a cute,
24:26tiny,
24:28Smurf village.
24:30For example, the ambulance sirens.
24:32The sirens in the United States make your ears bleed.
24:35"WOOHOO WOOHOO"
24:37Here they go:
24:38"Deedoo deedoo"
24:44"Aww... an emergency.
24:47That's adorable."
24:50But what I didn't find cute at all
24:52when I got to France,
24:53was the French language.
24:55It was the hardest thing to learn.
24:57Because I spoke English
24:59with my French girlfriend in the United States.
25:00So she found me funny, witty and attractive.
25:03All of a sudden, in France,
25:04I immediately became her retarded younger brother
25:07that she felt obliged to bring everywhere.
25:08There were parties where guys were hitting on my girlfriend
25:12and I would just say,
25:13"I like bicycles because it's fast!"
25:23So I decided to take intensive French classes.
25:26But it didn't help me all that much because the French language
25:27is like math,
25:29the more you learn, the harder it gets.
25:31For example, I still don't know the difference between the following French words:
25:34"Balle"
25:34"Boule"
25:36"Bulle"
25:37"Ballon", "boulet", "bille" and "couille" (testicles).
25:40In English, they are all "ball".
25:44For a long time, I thought that all these words
25:45were the conjugation of one French verb,
25:47"Baler"
25:49"Je bale"
25:50"tu boules"
25:50"il bulle"
25:51"nous balons"
25:51"vous boulez"
25:52"ils billent"
25:54and "on couilles".
25:57But I soon discovered that the French language is difficult
26:00even for the French.
26:02In order to resolve this issue,
26:03the French have developed a series of passwords.
26:06Notably,
26:07"Voilà"
26:10You say "voilà" all the time.
26:11I still don't know what it means.
26:13One time I was on the street
26:14and I saw a homeless person
26:16ask a pedestrian if he had any change.
26:18The pedestrain was like,
26:19"Yes but... 'voilà'"
26:23That's it.
26:25When I went to the Louvre I asked a guard why
26:28we can't take pictures
26:29He said:
26:29"Because..."
26:31'Voilà quoi'!"
26:34And all the French people around me were like:
26:35"Oh OK!"
26:41But that's when I understood.
26:41When the French have trouble expressing themselves,
26:43they just say "Voilà"
26:45and everybody's satisfied.
26:47You don't even have to finish your sentences.
26:49It's a magical word.
26:50You have another expression
26:52that helps you defend yourself against
26:54stupidity.
26:55It's...
26:57"Bah..."
27:00Translation:
27:00"What are you, fucking stupid?!"
27:02And you love having "bah" duels in order to save face.
27:06Last week, I was waiting in line at the supermarket,
27:08and the lady in front of me asked the cashier for a bag.
27:11She responded:
27:12"Bah... you have to pay for it."
27:14"Bah...really?"
27:17"Bah of course!"
27:19"Bah it's not like that at Trader Joe's!"
27:24"Bah we are NOT at Trader Joe's!"
27:27"Bah... OK how much is it?"
27:29"Bah... 3 cents."
27:31"Bah... I don't have any change."
27:34"Bah... we'll charge your credit card."
27:36"Bah... OK,"
27:39"if we can do that."
27:41"Bah of course."
27:43There were 25 people waiting in line behind me.
27:46You've also created a password
27:49to curb your enthusiasm.
27:51It's...
27:52"Mais bon" (but then again)
27:55"It's sunny today!"
27:57"but then again,"
27:59"it's going to rain later."
28:01"He got his diploma"
28:03"but then again."
28:04"he's not very bright."
28:07"She's cute"
28:08"but then again, her breath stinks."
28:13Another password is...
28:15"Quand même" (anyhow/still)
28:16This expression allows you to
28:17say the same phrase 200 times a day
28:20without it sounding repetive.
28:22Even if you declared at 7AM that it's cold outside,
28:24every half hour you can say
28:26"Anyhow, it's cold outside"
28:29And every time you react as if it was a stroke of genius.
28:31"Oh yeah, totally."
28:33Normally the word order is very strict in French .
28:36But you can put "quand même" wherever you want.
28:39"Still, it's expensive."
28:40"It's still expensive."
28:41"It's expensive, still."
28:45Because it's a password, anything goes.
28:51And if you really need to get yourself out of a sticky situation,
28:54that's when these passwords become essential.
28:57You can run over someone's cat
28:59as long as you tell the owner,
29:01"So... you know, anyway..."
29:04"then again."
29:06"still..."
29:08"There you go."
29:19And to complicate all this even more for an American,
29:22even the animals talk differently here.
29:25In the United States the cows go: "Mooo..."
29:28Here they go:
29:29"Meuh..."
29:31OVer there, the roosters go:
29:32"Cock-a-doodle doo"
29:34Here they go:
29:34"Cocorico"
29:36Over there the frogs go:
29:38"Ribbit"
29:39Here they go:
29:40"Help me."
29:45That's my favorite joke of the show, people.
29:54Because you guys eat them!
29:57It's like all your chefs
29:59had a Reckless Steve in their heads
30:02who says: "I double dare you to eat snails."
30:04Snails?
30:06Who here likes eating snails?
30:08Oh shit!
30:11No, you don't like snails.
30:13You like butter and garlic. It's not the same thing.
30:19What you call "gastronomy" in France
30:22we call "Jackass" in the United States.
30:25You guys are weird.
30:27I also have a problem with foie gras.
30:29Do you guys like foie gras?
30:31Yes...
30:32I heard: "Bah yes"
30:35This is when we start hearing all the "bahs".
30:37I'm not sure if you know but foie gras is illegal
30:39in several states in the U.S.
30:41For example, it's illegal in the state of California.
30:43And the day we voted
30:45Donald Trump into office,
30:474 states, including California legalised marijuana.
30:51So in California
30:53pot is legal but not foie gras.
30:56I imagine there must be foie gras dealers in Los Angeles now.
31:01Hey, I've got some foie gras, some foie gras, man !!
31:04I've got some top shelf, top shelf foie gras, man!
31:15But I have to agree with the people from California.
31:17I mean come on, feeding an animal
31:19until its liver explodes.
31:21Fattening it up until it weighs 4 times more than it should.
31:24Force-feeding it, until it can't even walk anymore...
31:27In the U.S. we only do that to children.
31:36All that to say that French cuisine was a great
31:39discovery for me because I worked as a waiter
31:42in a restaurant when I was in Toulouse.
31:44And it's not easy for an American to work in a French restaurant,
31:47because you have a lot of strange rules
31:49when it comes to food.
31:51For starters, food is sacred here, right?
31:53The proof is that the expression "bon appétit" is like a prayer.
31:57It's the only thing that you can say to a complete stranger
32:00without coming off as a psychopath.
32:02Even "hello" doesn't work in these cases.
32:04"Hello."
32:06"Who's that guy?"
32:08But if you say,
32:09"Bon appétit"
32:09"Oh thanks!"
32:12"You too!"
32:14"give me a kiss."
32:16And another reason it wasn't easy for me was because I had to learn the
32:19entire menu.
32:20You have to understand that the names of your dishes
32:22are very complicated.
32:24Sorry,
32:24they're not "complicated" they are
32:26"sophisticated".
32:28Actually in the United States we have another way of saying "sophisticated".
32:32It's "bullshit"!
32:35"The tasty fisherman's hodgepodge
32:37on a bed of finely crushed puree."
32:39The English translation for that is "fish and potatoes"
32:43You have to stop doing that.
32:45And of course, I had to learn all about
32:46French cheeses.
32:47Oh... that's a world in and of itself.
32:50It's not like that in the United States.
32:51When we think of cheese over there,
32:53we think of thin slices of neon orange rubber
32:57individually wrapped in plastic.
33:00Actually this American cheese is made in the same factory
33:02where we make condoms.
33:05It has the same smell and texture
33:07and the package is impossible to open.
33:10So if American cheese is very sterile,
33:12French cheese, on the other hand, is like sex.
33:14It's raw,
33:16it goes well with a glass of wine,
33:17and it's even better when it smells like a wildebeest.
33:24I also learned that there are 350 types of French cheeses. Is that right?
33:27Yes? You don't know either.
33:29There are aisles dedicated just to cheese in the supermarkets here.
33:32It's the only place in the world
33:33where I saw someone stand in front of a wall of cheese and say,
33:36"The choice here sucks."
33:41But I can't mention French cheese
33:43if I don't talk about French wine, of course.
33:45I love French wine.
33:47I drink at least 2 glasses a day.
33:50But I'm not worried about becoming alcoholic
33:52because in France, wine is not alcohol.
33:55It's a condiment,
33:58like mustard or pepper.
34:00Just something to make the meal a bit more interesting.
34:02Another reason I drink so much wine here is
34:04that in France
34:05wine is cheaper than M&Ms.
34:08If you go to a restaurant here
34:10and you order a glass of wine,
34:11it's cheaper than tea.
34:13That means it's cheaper in France to make wine
34:15than it is to boil water.
34:18So now, I have wine with breakfast.
34:20It's cheaper.
34:22I drank the best wine ever here in France.
34:24I believe that France makes the best wine in the world.
34:33But also the worst wine in the world.
34:35I'm talking about the kind of wine
34:37where the only thing written on the bottle is the word "wine".
34:39I'm talking about the kind of wine where when you drink it, it hurts.
34:41So you spit it out.
34:42And it burns a hole in the pavement.
34:45I'm talking about wine that you are embarassed to bring ot parties.
34:47You hide the bottle under your shirt and you place it in the corner of the room.
34:49Because you must bring
34:50a bottle of wine
34:51to a French party. Right?
34:53It's like your entrance ticket to the party.
34:55You can show up with a kilo of cocaine,
34:583 strippers,
34:59and Iggy Pop...
35:00If you don't have a bottle of wine,
35:02you're not getting in.
35:04But nobody brings
35:05good wine to these parties.
35:07It's always a cheap bottle of cleaning fluid.
35:09Which isn't such a big deal except if you're
35:10the host of the party, by the end of the night,
35:12you're stuck
35:13with a dozen, unopened bottles of plonk
35:15that you wouldn't put in a boeuf bourguignon for Hitler.
35:20So what do you do with all these unopened bottles of shitty wine?
35:23You bring them to other parties.
35:26That means that there are bottles of wine touring France.
35:31Going from party to party for years.
35:33Like an STD.
35:36Until this terrible wine becomes a great vintage.
35:41That's my theory.
35:43While on the topic, do we have any alcoholics tonight?
35:46Alcoholics? Just wine drinkers?
35:47Yeah, and we're proud of it.
35:49Anybody here smokes weed?
35:53Pot, marijuana?
35:54Less enthusiasm all of a sudden.
35:56Perhaps it's an awkward question.
35:57Anybody here has "a friend"
36:00who smokes pot? "A friend"
36:03That's more like it.
36:05As I already mentioned, Marijuana is now totally legal
36:06in several states
36:07in the U.S..
36:09Well, for anyone over 21.
36:11Which is exactly the same age
36:13You need to be if you want to drink alcohol or own a gun.
36:16So in these states, they do everything possible
36:18so that your 21st birthday
36:20is your last one.
36:23But I'm for the legalisation of marijuana.
36:25because I find it hypocritical to accept tobacco
36:28and alcohol but not pot.
36:2950,000 people die
36:31each year because of alcohol in France.
36:33As for deaths due to cigarettes, the toll is even higher.
36:34Whereas it's zero
36:36when it comes to cannabis.
36:37Because you can't die from smoking pot.
36:39If you tried to kill yourself by smoking pot,
36:43you'd lose motivation before you do it.
36:48It's true that pot can kill some brain cells.
36:49Fine, but you have to know that having a lack of brain cells
36:52Has never prevented anyone from getting very far in the U.S.A.
36:57#DonaldTrump
37:07But I understand why you can't take alcohol away
37:09from the French people.
37:10It's too important to your identity.
37:12No alcohol, means no aperitif before the meal.
37:15It means no wine during the meal.
37:17It means no liqueur after the meal.
37:19Without alcohol, the French would starve to death.
37:25I have to say that being a waiter
37:28was really a shitty job.
37:30Because I had to do everything,
37:32including cleaning the restrooms.
37:34And I learned
37:35that women's restrooms
37:37are disgusting.
37:39I know that some women here tonight will say,
37:41"Yeah but you men
37:42are way messier than us."
37:44And I fully agree with you.
37:45But it's because you are tidier than us
37:47that your bathrooms are way more gross.
37:50Let me explain,
37:52how after only 5 women, a pristine restroom
37:55turns into Fukushima.
37:57Woman number one:
37:58She enters. She sees that the restrooms are impeccable.
38:00So she sits on the toilet seat with confidence.
38:02She pees.
38:03She takes 2 squares of toilet paper,
38:04wipes herself,
38:05flushes the toilet, then leaves.
38:06One drop of water leaps out of the toilet bowl
38:09and lands on the seat.
38:10That is the catalyst.
38:12Because women number 2
38:13sees that there is an unidentifiable liquid on the seat.
38:16So she squats 5 centimeters
38:17above the seat.
38:183 drops of pee
38:20land on the seat.
38:21Her thighs are aching now
38:22so when she tries to grab the toilet paper, it unrolls and touches the floor.
38:25Now the whole roll is off limits.
38:26She then takes a second roll of TP,
38:28wipes herself, puts it on the tank behind her and leaves.
38:30Woman number 3
38:30sees that there are 3 drops of urine
38:31on the seat. So she squats 15 cm
38:34above the seat.
38:3413 drops of pee now
38:36land on the seat.
38:37She doesn't want to touch either of the 2 rolls
38:39so she takes a third roll of TP,
38:41wipes herself, puts it on the tank behind her and leaves.
38:43Woman number 4
38:44sees that there are 3 rolls already started,
38:4516 drops of pee on the seat,
38:47So she says to herself: "this toilet hasn't been cleaned for at least a week."
38:50So she barely squats above the seat.
38:52Pee everywhere!
38:53All over...
38:54On the floor ...
38:55On the wall...
38:56She doesn't even flush
38:57because she doesn't want to get AIDS.
38:59And she leaves!
39:00Woman number 5 sees all this mess,
39:03and she needs to take a shit.
39:08Fukushima!!
39:13Anyway...
39:16After 5 years living in
39:17"To Lose"
39:19I lost.
39:20I realized that
39:21I was in a stupid little dinghy
39:23struggling to row
39:24on the river of life
39:25with Reckless Steve sulking next to me.
39:29So I broke up with my girlfriend
39:31and decided to come to Paris.
39:37Finally, I would be in the center of it all.
39:40If all the roads lead to Rome,
39:42all the high-speed trains lead to Paris.
39:44I felt right at home here in Paris.
39:46It's probably thanks to the stores here.
39:48There are pharmacies everywhere.
39:50Tons of optical shops
39:52Optical shops everywhere
39:53and florists.
39:55So Paris is a city catered to guilt-ridden,
39:58short-sighted,
39:59hypochondriacs.
40:01A New York Jew's paradise.
40:05It's ideal for us.
40:11I love Paris. It's the only place in the world
40:13where I heard someone complain about the pollution
40:16while smoking a cigarette.
40:19I also love you Parisians.
40:20I know that you have a bad reputation
40:22all over the world for being rude and impolite.
40:24Are you aware of that?
40:25Okay, at least you are aware of it.
40:27You're not going to change but at least you are aware.
40:30Good, that's the first step.
40:31But I understood why you guys are like that.
40:33This week I saw two Parisians
40:35bump into each other on the street.
40:37They both simultaneously went,
40:38"Ugh!!"
40:40At the same time.
40:41"Ugh!! UGH!!!"
40:44That's when I realised that the problem is that
40:46you guys don't have enough guns here.
40:50Because that never happens in the United States.
40:52When we bump into someone we're like,
40:53"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!"
40:55"Are you okay?"
40:56So it's not that we are friendly,
40:57we're all just terrified.
41:01And to show you just how much I love Paris,
41:04I like the Metro.
41:07[inhaling noise]
41:08That's a word in the French dictionary.
41:10It means "we're screwed."
41:13Yes, I like the Metro
41:14I especially appreciate the crazy people on the Metro.
41:17Because they add a touch of spice to otherwise bland rides.
41:20For example, one time I was on the Metro
41:21at the Barbès Rochechouart stop.
41:24I have to say that I'm very proud to be able to pronounce the name
41:27of this fucking Metro stop.
41:30"Barbès-Rochechouart".
41:33Anyway, I was at the metro stop Barbès Rochechouart
41:34and there was a crazy guy
41:36who got on
41:37and just started shouting
41:39"Barbès"...
41:44"Barbès is the biggest airport in the world."
41:47"It's bigger than Orly"
41:49"It's bigger than Charles de Gaulles."
41:52"Barbès is the biggest city in the world."
41:54He just kept on repeating that,
41:55over and over
41:56until he asked an old lady next to him,
42:01"What is the biggest airport in the world?"
42:03She responded,
42:04"BARBÈS!"
42:07And we all agreed.
42:10Another thing I love about the Paris Metro
42:12is the sexy woman's voice
42:14that announces the stops.
42:17"Blanche"
42:19"Blanche"
42:22"Pigalle"
42:24"Pigalle"
42:25Who is this woman!?
42:27She can even make Barbès-Rochechouart sound sexy.
42:29"Barbès-Rochechouart"
42:32It's my stop but I can't stand up
42:33because I'm hard.
42:39Another strange thing about the Metro
42:41is the amount of people that jump the turnstiles.
42:44It's the most democratic thing about France.
42:46I saw old people
42:46jump the turnstiles.
42:48I saw mothers teach it to their toddlers
42:50"Go! Go! Go!"
42:52And I've seen many different kinds of jumps.
42:54There's the Mickael jackson in the music video "Bad" jump.
42:59And whats strange is that the worker in the booth does nothing.
43:02She just watches the people jump
43:04as if she were counting sheep.
43:07547...548....
43:11But there's another way of getting passed the turnstile in Paris
43:14that I like to call the sexual harrasment shuffle.
43:18I was a victim of this phenomenon last week.
43:19I went to the turnstile
43:20I inserted my ticket,
43:22and then a man
43:24came up behind me.
43:25He pushed his body up against mine.
43:27So I stiffened up.
43:28And that's when he started to whisper in my ear.
43:31He said,
43:32"Relax..."
43:35"Everything is going to be alright."
43:41Just to say that I loved Paris when I got here.
43:44Then I had to search for an apartment.
43:47Indeed,
43:48it's not the same Paris when you actually have to live here.
43:50So I found the only apartment that would accept me.
43:53That was only 12 square meters.
43:55So to gain some space,
43:57I raised my bed.
43:58So I started to sleep with this much space
44:01between my nose and the ceiling.
44:02To get out of bed in the morning
44:04I had to breakdance.
44:10The first night I heard,
44:11(Sexual moaning)
44:15It was as if they were in my room.
44:17But then I achieved every man's dream.
44:19My dick touched the ceiling.
44:30And that's when I realized that I was single
44:32in France for the first time in five years.
44:35Except that this time, I had to deal with Parisian women.
44:38Yes because the Parisian woman is another kind of French woman.
44:40To be honest, I find the Parisian women to be very feminine.
44:42And you can see this in the way they dress.
44:45Because style is very important here in Paris.
44:47People in Paris dress as if Paris was one long fashion runway.
44:54"Hey!"
44:59And those are just the men!
45:08While trying to hit on Parisian women
45:09I discovered that there are two languages spoken in France:
45:11"French"...
45:13and "French woman".
45:14It's a whole other language.
45:14For example, I learned that French women
45:17greet guys with 3 different words
45:19and the guy can know his chances of sleeping with her
45:23based on her choice of word.
45:24I'll explain.
45:25There is the category:
45:27"Hello"
45:28"Hey"
45:29and a third category
45:31that you never want to be in
45:32if you have the slightest hopes of sleeping with her.
45:35It's: "Hi there"
45:38Because if she says "hello", that means that your relationship
45:40is professional or polite
45:41and so anything is still possible.
45:43If she says "hey",
45:45things are going well.
45:46If she says, "hey you"
45:49You are one bottle of champagne and 3 good jokes away from sleeping with her.
45:52But if she says "hi there", it's over!
45:55In her mind,
45:55you have the sexual potential of a bunny wunny.
46:01Every time I meet a French woman, I never know
46:03if I should say use the formal ("vous") or informal ("tu") way of saying "you".
46:06Guys, which one should you use, formal or informal?
46:08"Informal"
46:09"Informal" okay. Ladies, formal or informal?
46:11"Formal!"
46:12That's the problem.
46:14We don't agree.
46:16My French teacher told me that when we meet someone
46:18for the first time, no matter who it is,
46:20you should use the formal "you" in order to be polite.
46:22Yet my friend, Tristan, told me,
46:25"If you want to fuck her,"
46:27"you have to use the informal, right away!"
46:29So I prefer using the formal "you",
46:32in order to be polite...
46:32and also because I didn't know
46:33that the word "niquer" in French means to fuck.
46:42Also because one time I used the informal "you" too early with a girl.
46:45She told me that we don't know each other that well.
46:53Since then, every time I meet a French girl,
46:55I ask her straight away if we could get to know each other "that well".
47:00But that doesn't work either.
47:07But I have the impression that sometime during the evening
47:09we can start using the informal form of "you", right?
47:12Okay.
47:12When?!
47:15What?
47:16-"After a drink."
47:17Just one drink?
47:18Just one drink?
47:19It's all a question of alcohol.
47:20That's the definition of...
47:22That's it? One drink?
47:24No! So when?
47:26-"After having said 'hello'."
47:27After saying "hello" we can directly use the informal "you"?
47:30In the street?
47:31OK, she's really horny.
47:33Are there any other opinions on the matter?
47:36"It depends"...
47:39On what?
47:42-"The development of the exchange!"
47:43Can you be more vague than that?
47:46The development of the exchange.
47:50In which century do you live exactly?
47:54What?
47:55-"If we are on a date and things are friendly..."
47:58So if you are on a date, you can immediately start using the informal "you"?
48:01"Bah" of course!!
48:09All of sudden it's obvious!
48:10We just spent 5 minutes on this and nobody knew, and now it's "bah of course"!
48:15Fucking hell.
48:19Ok so if it's a date we can use the informal "you".
48:21-"If it's a date for both people."
48:23For both people.
48:26Because I'm always on a date
48:28whether or not the woman agrees...
48:31If it's what?
48:32If it's official.
48:34You have to go to the town hall.
48:37You have to get a stamp.
48:38Now we are officially on a date.
48:41Okay.
48:42Do you all agree with that?
48:44No?!!
48:46She just said "of course"!
48:48Fuck!
48:50Which brings me to the next question.
48:52Is there anyone here tonight who
48:53has slept with someone
48:55while using the formal "you"?
48:58using the "vous" form?
48:59Unless you were sleeping with several people, of course.
49:02In that case, it's probably more appropriate to say "you all".
49:05But the worst French I'd ever spoken in my life,
49:08was when I tried to talk dirty in bed.
49:09I got lucky with a French girl
49:11soon after arriving in Paris
49:13and I have to say that it's rather
49:15strange doing an adult act,
49:17with the vocabulary of a 5 year old.
49:20I didn't know a single dirty word.
49:22But because that week in my French class
49:23we did a lesson on food shopping, I used that vocabulary.
49:27When she whispered in my ear,
49:30"Talk dirty to me"
49:31I was like, "Oh yeah..."
49:32"buy my carrot"
49:36"anything else?"
49:37"Your melons are very ripe."
49:39"I'm all set"
49:42"Thank you and have a nice day."
49:44But the French language is cruel
49:45because even if you know the right word,
49:46you often get screwed by the grammar.
49:48"Vagina" in French is a masculine word.
49:51"Dick" is a woman!
49:53The "Breasts" are two dudes.
49:54And the "balls" are two girlfriends
49:55Are you kidding me?!
49:57And when in the throes of passion
49:58it's not the right time to go searching how
50:00to conjugate the verb
50:01"to come" in the subjonctif.
50:03I said, "I have to curm"
50:04"to coom", "to cone"
50:07Jesus, you have to be a valedictorian just to fuck a French girl.
50:10On top of that, you can't exactly ask your French teacher
50:12to do a lesson on all this.
50:13Can you imagine?
50:14Monday, we're going to learn all about the post office.
50:18Tuesday, we're going to the beach.
50:21Wednesday, we're going to fuck Marie-Estelle.
50:29It was only when I went out on a date with my French teacher
50:32that I was truly able to improve my French.
50:35The evening started out pluperfectly.
50:37At the restaurant,
50:39we talked about the past, the present, the future.
50:42She just loved my grave accent.
50:45After dinner, she asked me
50:46if I wanted to use a conjunction with her.
50:49I responded in the affirmative and with an exclamation point.
50:52When we got to her place, we soon found ourselves
50:53in a juxtaposition.
50:57That's when she started using the imperative,
50:59hoping that I was a subordinate clause.
51:02But when she tried inserting a direct object,
51:10I used the negative!
51:13I put a full stop to all of this
51:14even if my participle was still dangling.
51:17While I was leaving her place, she asked me if I would want to
51:18review this topic another day.
51:20I responded in the conditional tense,
51:22"I think it would be best if we kept all this
51:25between parentheses."
51:37It took me 2 years to memorize
51:39this fucking text.
51:43After a year of being single, I finally met
51:46my lovely wife.
51:47We met under very romantic
51:49circumstances.
51:51We met at a wedding.
51:53She was the bride.
51:56That's not true of course,
51:57but in her mind, she was the bride.
51:59Because every woman at a wedding
52:01imagines herself as the bride.
52:02It's kind of like porn for us guys, you know?
52:08Anyway, that's when everything that I had learned
52:10in the previous six years
52:12helped me to seduce her.
52:14It was the big test.
52:15I sat next to her at the table.
52:18I said, "Hello."
52:19She said, "hey"
52:24Then I said, "It's going?" She responded, "It's going."
52:26Just once.
52:28When I asked her if she had a boyfriend, she said,
52:31"Yes."
52:32"But then again..."
52:37"Voilà"
52:40And when the plates arrived,
52:41I was the first one to say, "Bon appétit".
52:44Then I mastered the meal.
52:45I knew the name of all the dishes.
52:47I knew all the regions of the wine served,
52:49and I knew how to properly cut the cheese.
52:51I was hesitating to ask her out.
52:53That's when Reckless Steve said,
52:56"I double dare you."
52:58So I aksed her out on a date
53:00for the following evening.
53:01Since I wanted to meet up with her at 9pm
53:03I told her we should meet around 2pm.
53:06So the following day at 9pm,
53:07when she arrived,
53:08we kissed.
53:09Since then, we know each other "that well".
53:20Often people ask us
53:21what language we speak to each other in.
53:23We speak in French to one another.
53:27Because she's French.
53:28And because she's French
53:29she speaks English using the following formula.
53:31She takes a French sentence,
53:34she replaces all the French words
53:36with English words
53:37but pronounces them with a French accent.
53:40To understand her English, you need to speak French.
53:47For example, one time she was explaining
53:48a recipe to me in English
53:50and she said,
53:51"The key to this recipe"
53:54"is that you have to rape the cheese."
53:57"Rape the cheese?"
54:01Translation: "The key to this recipe,
54:02"is that you have to rape the cheese."
54:06You say "raper" (to grate) in French,
54:07and you're like, "it must be the same in English."
54:09But no.
54:10But finally I undrstood why some French cheeses have
54:12holes in the them.
54:20But the biggest source of miscommunication between us
54:22is when she usese Anglicisms.
54:25Do you know what Anglicisms are?
54:27They are English words that you guys have stolen.
54:30Like "parking", "weekend"
54:33or "gang bang".
54:36The problem is that when she uses these Anglicisms,
54:38these are the only words I don't understand.
54:40When she tells me things like,
54:41"Prince was such a has been"
54:43"that he became hip again."
54:46The only word that I understood there
54:47was "he became".
54:50You guys have to stop using Anglcisms.
54:52Because an English word in the mouth of a French person
54:54is not English.
54:56It's a mutant bastard child.
54:58But I understand why you pronounce these English words poorly.
55:01Every time I say the word,
55:02"Boderline"
55:03Everybody says, "Jesus, stop showing off!"
55:08So because I want to keep my French friens I say,
55:11"Bordeurlayene!"
55:17But I have to admit that my wife is very good
55:18at singing in English.
55:19Because she teaches me things
55:20about my own musical culture.
55:23One time she was listening to her headphones singing,
55:25"Billie Jean, is not my number"
55:29"Setomaca"
55:30"Seno a meumeumu"
55:34"Kimi not my suf"
55:38When I didn't know that Michael Jackson
55:39sang a version of Billie Jean in Gaelic.
55:51And it's thanks to my wife that I had the most
55:53French experience ever.
55:55Recently we went to a house party
55:57And the host of the party
55:59asked everyone
56:00to bring something to eat.
56:02So the only thing to eat at this party
56:05was 27 quiches Lorraines.
56:06In France, everbody always brings quiche Lorraines.
56:08So there were 27 quiches Lorraines
56:10and somebody had spilled red wine on all the quiche Lorraines.
56:13So there were quiche Lorraines soaked with red wine
56:16which I think is the French equivalent of a hash brownie.
56:19So we got home at 3 AM drunk and starving
56:22and the only thing to eat at our place
56:24was a camembert cheese from hell.
56:27You know that kind of camembert cheese that you have to put in a tupperware container,
56:30if not, your ketchup will taste like camembert.
56:33And we had the choice between two kinds of bread:
56:34sliced sandwich bread in the cupboard
56:36and a frozen mini-baguette from the store "Picard".
56:40I love the frozen food store "Picard"!
56:42When you go in a Picard, everything is clean,
56:43everyone is dressed in all white,
56:45It's like a cancer research facility.
56:47I love it.
56:49Anyway, we were debating at 3 AM
56:51which bread...
56:52to eat with the camembert from hell.
56:55I was for taking out the mini-baguette,
56:58waiting the 10 minutes,
56:598 minutes convection oven
57:01to have warm bread
57:03with the camembert from hell.
57:04But my darling wife was hungry.
57:06"No no...
57:08"let's just eat it with the sliced bread."
57:10And I was like,
57:12"Sliced sandwich bread?"
57:15"With this camembert from hell."
57:18That's when she made a noise.
57:20A noise that I never heard before. She went
57:23"Myeah..."
57:28"Myeah..."
57:29That's the noise of an elephant seal having an orgasm.
57:33That's not a way to express yourself.
57:36The thing is usually
57:37she speaks in such a sensual way.
57:39Because she's French.
57:40You guys are so lucky to speak the French language.
57:42It's so sexy.
57:44You can say anything to an American
57:46we'll find it hot.
57:47You can say,
57:48"I had a stomach flu"
57:51"and I vomited all night long"
57:54(purring)
57:56"All night long..."
58:00And it's thanks to my French wife that I learned something very important.
58:02I learned how to get angry in French.
58:05Because it's not easy to get angry
58:07in a language that is not your own.
58:08Every time I get mad,
58:10the words and emotions shoot out of me
58:12like steam from a pressure cooker.
58:14While the grammar stays stuck to the bottom
58:16like burned carrots.
58:17When someone cuts me off in traffic I'm like,
58:19"I'm going to fuck you off!"
58:24Which sounds more like a promise than an insult.
58:26And every time I get in a fight with my wife,
58:28I lose!
58:29Because she has a broader vocabulary than I do.
58:31I still don't know the difference between the following insults:
58:34"bitch",
58:36"tart",
58:37and "slut".
58:40Is it a question of hair style?
58:42I don't understand.
58:44Whereas I've completely mastered the insults for men.
58:47I learned that an "idiot" is a stupid man.
58:49A "jerk",
58:51is a stupid man who dresses poorly.
58:53A "meathead" is a stupid man who works out.
58:57A "sleazebag" is a mean man from the 1920s with a mustache.
59:01A "bastard" isn't really mean,
59:03he just doesn't listen to women.
59:09And an "asshole"...
59:10An "asshole" isn't mean either,
59:12he just doesn't give a shit.
59:15Is that about right?
59:17By the way, that expression is kind of weird.
59:20"Beating my own balls" (to not give a shit).
59:24Really, French people?
59:26You found the most insulting expression to say you don't care:
59:28"I'm beating my own balls."
59:31"What you're telling me right now is so boring"
59:33"that I have nothing else to do but"
59:34"to beat my own balls!"
59:39But there is an expression that is worse than "I'm beating my own balls"
59:41It's "I have nothing to beat"!
59:44I thought that "I have nothing to beat"
59:46was the female version of "I'm beating my own balls."
59:50But no, "I have nothing to beat" means
59:52that "what you're telling me now is so dull"
59:54"that I had time to beat my own balls,"
59:56"until I don't have them anymore."
59:59"I have nothing to beat anymore."
1:00:05There is "I'm beating steaks"
1:00:08Which "steaks"?!
1:00:11I also learned that if things are going badly, they "leave on their balls".
1:00:15What kind of testicles do you have here
1:00:17that you can leave on them?
1:00:22If you make too much money here in France,
1:00:24you have golden balls.
1:00:27Really?
1:00:28How does that work exactly?
1:00:30Do you have to go out and purchase the golden balls?
1:00:32Or do they just become golden after a certain income?
1:00:34I would like more information, please.
1:00:37If there is a problem
1:00:39with your coffee machine, you can say,
1:00:41"There must be a testicle somewhere."
1:00:46Really?!
1:00:48That's your conclusion?
1:00:50"It's not working? Well, there must be a testicle somewhere."
1:00:54Honestly, if you find a testicle
1:00:56in your coffee machine, so many things have gone wrong.
1:00:59Either way, I definitely don't want to work in your office.
1:01:05Congratulations on your classy language!
1:01:19But...
1:01:20one time,
1:01:21one time I won the argument with my wife.
1:01:24It's because I used an expression
1:01:26that is so hardcore,
1:01:27so nasty,
1:01:29that it doesn't even exist in the French language.
1:01:31This expression is so raw...
1:01:35that I don't think I should say it tonight. There are children here...
1:01:38There are only 3 people who want to hear it anyway.
1:01:45Do you guys want to hear it or not?
1:01:47No, I'm not feeling it...
1:01:49I'm going to ass fuck you in the pussy.
1:02:03She was very surprised.
1:02:109 months later, I became a dad.
1:02:20Anyway...
1:02:22Recently, a touching thing happened to me.
1:02:26I had a friend who came to visit me, here in Paris.
1:02:29It was that New York friend
1:02:30who couldn't believe that I was leaving New York
1:02:32to come here to France.
1:02:34It was his first time in France
1:02:36so he was one of those stupid tourists.
1:02:38So we went on one of those river tours on the Seine.
1:02:41He was thrilled.
1:02:42He was like: "WOOHOO!!"
1:02:44And I was like,
1:02:45"I don't know this man."
1:02:48And it was on this boat that I realized
1:02:50that today, the Seine/the stage has become my river of life.
1:02:53And today I'm able to sail on it, without a problem.
1:02:56At that moment, my friend expressed how
1:02:57fascinated he was with my life here.
1:02:59He said, "Hey man,"
1:03:01"you're French now."
1:03:02"You speak French."
1:03:03"You're lovely wife is French."
1:03:04"You wear scarves."
1:03:09"You're French."
1:03:11"How do you feel?"
1:03:12And I replied,
1:03:13"It's going."
1:03:28"But then again"
1:03:31"Voilà!"
1:03:41Thank you very much!
1:04:13Sit back down, please. Thank you so much for coming out.
1:04:16Before I leave the stage,
1:04:17I'd like to thank just one last person.
1:04:20It's Reckless Steve.
1:04:23Because honestly, without him, I wouldn't be here,
1:04:25trying to make French people laugh,
1:04:28for one hour,
1:04:30in French!
1:04:32And thank you. I really enjoyed tonight.
1:04:34Thank you for this final show.
1:04:50I just finished my show
1:04:51and rather often people ask me,
1:04:53"Hey Seb, where do you get all those
1:04:55"incredible ideas?"
1:04:57Well pay attention, because tonight
1:04:59I'm going to reveal my secret.
1:05:03You see,
1:05:03you shouldn't be too eager at first
1:05:05when it comes to ideas.
1:05:06No, you have to seduce them.
1:05:08So you should come off as calm, cool
1:05:11and indifferent.
1:05:11You're welcome.
1:05:12For example, this idea here, approached me last night at a bar.
1:05:22She was a knockout.
1:05:26On top of that, she seemed funny.
1:05:28Yup, very intriguing.
1:05:33You...
1:05:34You would have probably jumped on her by now, turning her into
1:05:37a silly knock-knock joke and later forget about her.
1:05:39But not me.
1:05:41I made her feel like I wanted to get to know her intimate self.
1:05:44That I would treat her like a princess.
1:05:45That I'd take her to the theater night after night.
1:05:48And
1:05:53that worked.
1:05:55And not only was she beautiful, but she was also subtle.
1:05:57Shit!
1:05:59She was brilliant.
1:06:00At that very moment, I couldn't take it anymore.
1:06:02I had to bring her back to my place
1:06:03and lay her down on some paper.
1:06:06In the taxi, she was turning me on.
1:06:10"I want you to spank me on your keyboard."
1:06:15Warning!!
1:06:16In these cases, you have to manage to keep
1:06:18your pen in your pocket.
1:06:20If not, you're going to soil the backseat with your "inspiration".
1:06:24At my place, the idea and I start to get physical.
1:06:28Sweat drips down my brow
1:06:29as I taint the white paper with words existing only
1:06:32in the trashiest of romance novels.
1:06:36Meanwhile, back at the bar,
1:06:37my girlfriend is desperately looking for me.
1:06:41I hold on just long enough to bring her to a climax.
1:06:44I join the printer in it's convulsions.
1:06:46And that's when my girlfriend enters the apartment.
1:06:49She starts shouting
1:06:50but her anger is insignificant next to my creative virility.
1:06:56"You can never satisfy me as much as she does."
1:06:59That's when we both fall asleep.
1:07:05This morning,
1:07:06around 3 PM, I wake up.
1:07:08My throat is dry and I've got a splitting headache.
1:07:12I look over at the idea sleeping next to me
1:07:14peacefully,
1:07:15And that's when I realize that, Fuck,
1:07:20she ain't that great.
1:07:28For those of you who are watching this show on YouTube,
1:07:31You can leave a review
1:07:33For example, if you loved this show
1:07:35you can leave a great review
1:07:38like,
1:07:39"Really not bad."
1:07:43I learned that "really not bad"
1:07:44is the best compliment here in France.
1:07:46The whole range of French emotions exists between
1:07:48"very mediocre" and "really not bad".
1:07:51I thought that they were synonyms.
1:07:52But not at all.
1:07:53"very mediocre" is the worst.
1:07:54Then it's "rotten".
1:07:55"lame".
1:07:56"OK".
1:07:58"Good", "super", "great".
1:08:00"Not bad".
1:08:03"Really not bad"
1:08:05The proof that "really not bad" is the best compliment in France,
1:08:08I've heard lots of French people say,
1:08:10"Wow it's really not bad."
1:08:12"but then again"... You see it's so enthusiastic
1:08:16that you have to say "but then again" afterwards.

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