Sean Spicer Press Conference (Melissa McCarthy) - SNL — Transcript

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1. 0:01>>> NEXT ON C-SPAN, THE DAILY WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING WITH
2. 0:04PRESS SECRETARY SEAN SPICER. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
3. 0:12>> SETTLE DOWN! SETTLE DOWN!
4. 0:14SETTLE DOWN! BEFORE WE BEGIN, I KNOW THAT
5. 0:21MYSELF AND THE PRESS HAVE GOTTEN OFF TO A ROCKY START.
6. 0:22[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
7. 0:26ALL RIGHT. IN A SENSE, WHEN I SAY ROCKY
8. 0:32START, I MEAN IT IN THE SENSE OF "ROCKY" THE MOVIE.
9. 0:34BECAUSE I CAME OUT HERE TO PUNCH YOU!
10. 0:37IN THE FACE! AND ALSO I DON'T TALK SO GOOD.
11. 0:41SO I'D LIKE TO BEGIN TODAY BY APOLOGIZING ON BEHALF OF YOU, TO
12. 0:46ME. [ LAUGHTER ]
13. 0:49FOR HOW YOU TREATED ME IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS.
14. 0:51AND THAT APOLOGY IS NOT ACCEPTED.
15. 0:53[ LAUGHTER ] BECAUSE I'M NOT HERE TO BE YOUR
16. 0:57BUDDY, I'M HERE TO SWALLOW GUM, I'M HERE TO TAKE NAMES.
17. 1:03[ LAUGHTER ] [ LAUGHTER ]
18. 1:14OKAY, NOW LET ME WAVE SOMETHING SHINY IN FRONT OF YOU MONKEYS!
19. 1:20I'LL GET BACK TO YOU. [ LAUGHTER ]
20. 1:24AS YOU KNOW, PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED HIS SUPREME COURT PICK
21. 1:29ON THE NATIONAL TV TODAY. WHEN HE ENTERED THE ROOM, THE
22. 1:33CROWD GREETED HIM WITH A STANDING OVATION.
23. 1:39WHICH LASTED A FULL 15 MINUTES. YOU CAN CHECK THE TAPE.
24. 1:44EVERYONE WAS SMILING. EVERYONE WAS HAPPY.
25. 1:46[ LAUGHTER ] THE MEN ALL HAD ERECTIONS.
26. 1:50AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE WOMEN WAS OVULATING LEFT AND
27. 1:53RIGHT. [ LAUGHTER ]
28. 1:56AND NO ONE, NO ONE WAS SAD. THOSE ARE THE FACTS FOREVER AND
29. 2:02THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE. WE GOT SOMETHING X, THREE, FOUR,
30. 2:08CAPITAL P, CAPITAL T, EIGHT, FOUR -- NO, THAT'S MY E-MAIL
31. 2:13PASS WORD, FORGET THAT. STOP WRITING THAT DOWN!
32. 2:18NOW. PRESIDENT'S SCHEDULE FOR TODAY,
33. 2:213:45, PRESIDENT WILL HOST AN ENCORE SCREENING OF "FINDING
34. 2:24DORY." [ LAUGHTER ]
35. 2:27OKAY? THE STORY OF A FORGETFUL FISH,
36. 2:28OKAY? EVERYBODY LIKES THAT.
37. 2:32THEN AT 6:00 P.M. HE'S GOING TO ABOLISH THE NATIONAL PARK
38. 2:34SYSTEM. BUT "DORY"!
39. 2:35GOOD STUFF. SO IF NOBODY HAS ANY
40. 2:40QUESTIONS -- >> OKAY, A COUPLE QUESTIONS.
41. 2:46GO. GLEN FLUSH, "NEW YORK TIMES,"
42. 2:49BOO! GO AHEAD.
43. 2:52>> YEAH, I WANTED TO ASK ABOUT THE TRAVEL BAN ON MUSLIMS.
44. 2:55>> IT'S NOT A BAN. >> I'M SORRY?
45. 2:57>> NOT A BAN. THE TRAVEL BAN IS NOT A BAN
46. 3:00WHICH MAKES IT NOT A BAN. >> YOU JUST CALLED IT A BAN.
47. 3:02>> BECAUSE I'M USING YOUR WORDS. YOU SAID BAN.
48. 3:06YOU SAID BAN, NOW I'M SAYING -- >> THE PRESIDENT TWEETED, AND I
49. 3:09QUOTE, "IF THE BAN WERE ANNOUNCED WITH A ONE-WEEK
50. 3:12NOTICE -- >> YEAH, EXACTLY, YOU JUST SAID
51. 3:14THAT. HE'S QUOTING YOU.
52. 3:16IT'S YOUR WORDS. HE'S USING YOUR WORDS WHEN YOU
53. 3:20USED THE WORDS AND HE USES THEM BACK, IT'S CIRCULAR USING OF THE
54. 3:24WORD AND THAT'S FROM YOU. [ LAUGHTER ]
55. 3:29>> WHAT? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
56. 3:32>> SERIOUSLY GLEN, ARE YOU GOING TO START WITH ME RIGHT OUT OF
57. 3:34THE GATE? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE MY
58. 3:37NUTS OUT SO YOU CAN GET A BETTER KICK AT THEM?
59. 3:39>> YOU HAD TO HAVE KNOWN THAT I WOULD ASK THAT QUESTION --
60. 3:42>> SIT DOWN, GLEN. WHO HERE -- JUST BY
61. 3:46SHOW OF HANDS, WHO HATES GLEN? QUICK SHOW OF HANDS.
62. 3:48EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY. ONE, TWO, THREE, INFINITY.
63. 3:51NOW, LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT EVERYONE RAISED THEIR HANDS AND
64. 3:54EVERYBODY HATES GLEN. PRINT THAT THAT'S YOUR STORY.
65. 3:58NEXT QUESTION. GO.
66. 4:01>> YES, I'D LIKE TO ASK ABOUT STEVE BANNON'S ROLE ON THE
67. 4:03NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL. >> OKAY, THAT'S A DUMB QUESTION.
68. 4:05THAT'S A STUPID QUESTION. SIT DOWN, GLEN.
69. 4:09>> MY NAME IS NOT GLEN. >> I KNOW, I'M JUST SAYING
70. 4:12"GLEN" LIKE IN A GENERAL GLEN. IT'S YOUR WORD, IT'S YOUR WORD.
71. 4:17NEXT, GO. >> YEAH, I'M ALSO CONCERNED
72. 4:20ABOUT STEVE BANNON, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING HE'S THE ONE
73. 4:22BEHIND THIS MUSLIM BAN. >> YEAH, ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS
74. 4:26STILL AREN'T GETTING IT. YOU NEED SOME PROPS?
75. 4:30MY WORD'S TOO BIG, I GOT TO SHOW YOU IN PICTURES?
76. 4:33GREAT, HERE WE GO. WHEN IT COMES TO THE DECISIONS
77. 4:38THE CONSTITUTION GIVES OUR PRESIDENT LOTS OF POWER.
78. 4:43AND STEVE BANNON IS THE KEY ADVISER.
79. 4:48[ LAUGHTER ] OKAY?
80. 4:49AND OUR PRESIDENT WILL NOT BE DETERRED.
81. 4:53[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
82. 4:59IN HIS FIGHT AGAINST RADICAL MOOSE-LAMBS.
83. 5:05NOW DOES ANYBODY ELSE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?
84. 5:07>> YEAH, "WALL STREET JOURNAL." ARE YOU OKAY?
85. 5:11[ LAUGHTER ] >> TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT,
86. 5:17TAKE IT! YOU CANNOT COME AT ME LIKE THAT,
87. 5:23I WILL PUT YOU IN THE CORNER WITH CNN!
88. 5:26>> WE'RE NOT FAKE NEWS! >> YOU LIKE THAT, YOU LIKE THAT,
89. 5:29DORK? YOU LIKE THAT, DORK?
90. 5:31[ LAUGHTER ] COOL OUT, ALL RIGHT?
91. 5:46OBVIOUSLY I'VE BEEN GETTING A LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT BETSY
92. 5:50DeVOS, OKAY? NOMINEE FOR SECRETARY OF
93. 5:53EDUCATION. SO WE ACTUALLY HAVE HER HERE
94. 5:55TODAY TO FIELD SOME FEW -- FIELD FEW SIMPLE QUESTIONS -- WHICH
95. 5:59I'M SURE SHE'S CAPABLE OF DOING. BETSY!
96. 6:05[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HELLO.
97. 6:07THANK YOU, YEAH. YES.
98. 6:10THE MAN? >> HI.
99. 6:12I DON'T THINK WE EVER GOT A CLEAR ANSWER ON THIS.
100. 6:14HOW DO YOU VALUE GROWTH VERSUS PROFICIENCY IN MEASURING
101. 6:17PROGRESS IN STUDENTS? [ LAUGHTER ]
102. 6:23>> YEAH, WELL, I -- I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SCHOOL.
103. 6:26[ LAUGHTER ] BUT I DO -- I DO THINK THERE
104. 6:28SHOULD BE A SCHOOL. PROBABLY JESUS SCHOOL.
105. 6:34AND I DO THINK IT SHOULD HAVE WALLS AND ROOF AND GUN FOR
106. 6:41POTENTIAL GRIZZLY -- >> THANK YOU.
107. 6:42THAT'S ENOUGH FOR NOW. THANK YOU.
108. 6:46I'LL ACCEPT ONE LAST QUESTION. YEAH I'LL TAKE THIS LOSER.
109. 6:51>> I'VE GOT A QUESTION ABOUT THE STATEMENT THE WHITE HOUSE
110. 6:53RELEASED ON HOLOCAUST REMEMBRANCE DAY.
111. 6:55DO YOU THINK IT WAS ANTI-SEMITIC TO NOT EVEN MENTION THE JEWISH
112. 6:58PEOPLE IN THIS STATEMENT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
113. 7:01[ LAUGHTER ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
114. 7:07>> THIS IS SOAPY WATER AND I'M WASHING THAT FILTHY LYING MOUTH
115. 7:09OUT! [ LAUGHTER ]
116. 7:13[ APPLAUSE ] FIRST OF ALL, HOW COULD THE
117. 7:17STATEMENT, A STATEMENT BE ANTI-SEMITIC?
118. 7:20THE GUY WHO WROTE IT WAS SUPER JEWY.
119. 7:21[ LAUGHTER ] OKAY?
120. 7:24AND THE FACT IS A LOT OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE SUFFERED IN THE
121. 7:26HOLOCAUST, IT WASN'T JUST THE JEWS.
122. 7:29IT WAS ALSO THE GYPSIES, THE LESBIES, AND THESE OTHER GUYS.
123. 7:32THAT'S YOUR WORDS. YOUR WORDS!
124. 7:36THAT'S ENOUGH FOR TODAY. SPICY'S GOT TO GO BYE-BYE RIGHT
125. 7:40NOW, NEED A BIG-BOY NAP. WAKE ME UP EXACTLY ONE MINUTE
126. 7:44BEFORE TOMORROW'S PRESS CONFERENCE.
127. 7:47AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
128. 7:49>> YEAH, THAT ALREADY HAPPENED. [ LAUGHTER ]
129. 7:52[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]