Sean Spicer Press Conference Cold Open - SNL — Transcript

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1. 0:00>> WE NOW GO LIVE TO THE DAILY WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING WITH
2. 0:05PRESS SECRETARY SEAN SPICER. >> SIT DOWN.
3. 0:13SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.
4. 0:19FIRST I'D LIKE TO ANNOUNCE I WILL AM CALM NOW.
5. 0:25I WILL REMAIN CALM NOW AS LONG AS YOU -- SONS OF A -- I'M NOT
6. 0:37GOING TO DO THAT. THAT IS THE OLD SPICY.
7. 0:39THIS IS THE NEW SPICY. I AM TOLD TO CUT DOWN ON THE GUM
8. 0:42CHEWING. I AM NOW LIMITING MY -- MYSELF
9. 0:47TO ONE SLICE A DAY. I WILL ENJOY MY ONE AND ONLY.
10. 0:50AND YOU CAN JUST SIT AND WATCH. I WILL BE BACK TO PICK YOU UP
11. 1:03LATER. NOW I WOULD LIKE TO BEGIN WITH
12. 1:10THE PRESIDENT'S SCHEDULE. 3:00 P.M., PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL
13. 1:12MEET WITH THE LEADER FROM CENTRAL, CENTRAL ASIA.
14. 1:18PRESIDENT -- OH, BOY. AMAGA --
15. 1:28TO DISCUSS REST AND UNREST IN -- KAZAKHSTAN.
16. 1:29SPECIFICALLY, SPECIFICALLY IN IN ADABADA -- ADABADA -- AND
17. 1:39SO WRITE THAT. THEY WILL ALSO JOINED BY HIS
18. 1:42WIFE. YOU KNOW WHAT?
19. 1:52I'M GOING TO TAKE A PASS ON IT. I AM JUST GOING TO CALL HER
20. 2:03CONNIE. ALL RIGHT.
21. 2:04OKAY. DID THAT.
22. 2:06NOW I'M GOING TO OPEN THIS UP FOR QUESTIONS.
23. 2:07AND I AM GOING TO COMPLETELY >> I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE
24. 2:13PRESIDENT INTENDS TO DO NOW THAT THE APPEALS COURT DENIED HIS
25. 2:14REQUEST TO STOP THE TRAVEL BAN? AWE.
26. 2:23>> YOU'RE TESTING ME BIG GUY. IT'S SIMPLE.
27. 2:27IF THE APPEALS COURT WON'T DO WHAT'S RIGHT, PRESIDENT TRUMP
28. 2:28WILL SEE THEM IN COURT. SPECIFICALLY, THE PEOPLE'S
29. 2:32COURT. >> THAT ISN'T REAL.
30. 2:34>> DUH, THAT ISN'T REAL. I'M GLENN.
31. 2:37IT IS REAL, GLENN. IT SAYS THAT RIGHT BEFORE EACH
32. 2:48TAPE, GLENN. THE CASES ARE REAL.
33. 2:49THE RULINGS ARE FINAL. DON'T -- WITH ME GLEN.
34. 2:55NEXT QUESTION, LET'S GO TO THIS TURKEY.
35. 2:56>> THE PRESIDENT HAS SAID THERE SHOULD BE A TEST TO SEE IF
36. 2:59IMMIGRANTS TRULY LOVE AMERICA. WHAT WOULD THAT TEST EVEN BE?
37. 3:04>> EASY AS EXTREME VETTING. >> YEAH, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
38. 3:10>> WHAT DOES IT MEAN? IT MEANS THAT IT IS EXTREME.
39. 3:15SPICY IS GOING TO EXPLAIN IT STOW YOU DUMB BABIES CAN
40. 3:17UNDERSTAND IT. SO I GUESS I WILL WON'T USE MY
41. 3:20BIG WORDS. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO USE MY
42. 3:23DOLLY. READY FOR DOLLY.
43. 3:24SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON.
44. 3:27HERE IT IS HOW IT IS GOING TO GO DOWN.
45. 3:30YOU HAVE YOUR TSA AGENT RIGHT HERE.
46. 3:33AND YOU HAVE BARBIE COMING IN. NICE AMERICAN GIRL.
47. 3:37BACK FROM A DREAM VACATION. WE KNOW SHE IS OKAY, BECAUSE SHE
48. 3:41IS BLOND. AND SO SHE GETS IN.
49. 3:43EASY. WE UNDERSTAND THAT.
50. 3:47PERFECT. NOW, WHO IS UP NEXT?
51. 3:50UH-OH. UH-OH, IT'S MOANA.
52. 3:55WHOA, SLOW YOUR ROLL, HONEY. AND THEN WE ARE GOING TO PAT HER
53. 3:59DOWN. AND THEN WE ARE GOING TO READ
54. 4:01HER E-MAILS. IF WE DON'T LIKE THE ANSWERS,
55. 4:03WHICH WE WON'T. BOOM, GUANTANAMO BAY.
56. 4:10ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO! NEXT QUESTION!
57. 4:13UH YES. YES.
58. 4:21>> EARLIER THIS WEEK YOU SAID THERE WAS A TERRORIST ATTACK IN
59. 4:24ATLANTA. >> YES.
60. 4:25BECAUSE I SAID THAT. YOU WROTE IT.
61. 4:29WHEN I SAID IT WRONG, YOU GUYS SHOULD KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
62. 4:32RIGHT OR WRONG. THAT'S WHY YOU ARE HERE.
63. 4:35OBVIOUSLY I MEANT ORLANTA. >> ORLANDO.
64. 4:42YOU KNOW WHAT! OKAY.
65. 4:45LOOK, THE PROBLEM IS ALL OF THESE TERRORIST
66. 4:49INSTANCES AND INCIDENTS THAT YOU ARE NOT REPORTING ON.
67. 4:53OKAY, I HAVE A WHOLE LIST HERE THAT YOU NEVER EVEN WRITE ABOUT.
68. 4:58NEVER COVERED THEM ONCE. LET'S READ FROM THE LIST OECHLT
69. 5:01KAY, THE BOWLING GREEN MASSACRE. NOT THE KELLYANN ONE, THE REAL
70. 5:07ONE. OKAY, THE HORROR IN SIX FLAGS.
71. 5:08OKAY. THE SLAUGHTER AT FRAGGLEROCK.
72. 5:13AND THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE DOWN.
73. 5:17OKAY? AND THEN THERE IS THE LIGHT
74. 5:20TERRORISM THIS WEEK WHEN NORDSTROM'S DECIDED TO STOP
75. 5:23SELLING IVANKA TRUMP'S LINE OF CLOTHING AND
76. 5:26ACCESSORIES. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
77. 5:31OKAY, THAT'S NORDSTROM'S LOSS. BECAUSE THESE ARE HIGH, HIGH
78. 5:36QUALITY PRODUCTS. IN FACT, I AM WEARING ONE OF HER
79. 5:42BANGLES RIGHT NOW. IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
80. 5:43IT IS SHIMMERY. IT'S ELEGANT.
81. 5:49IT IS $39.99. IT IS UNBELIEVABLE.
82. 5:51UNBELIEVABLE. DON'T GET ME STARTED ON HER
83. 5:56SHOES. ALL RIGHT.
84. 5:59THESE BABIES ARE REAL HEAD TURNERS NOW.
85. 6:00WE HAVE A BRAND NEW ATTORNEY GENERAL.
86. 6:03EVERYONE IS VERY EXCITED ABOUT HIM.
87. 6:06HE IS GOING TO ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS AS WELL AS HERE WE GO.
88. 6:12YEAH! JEFF SESSIONS.
89. 6:19HI. I JUST WANT TO SAY I APPRECIATE
90. 6:24IT, THE FIERCE DEBATE AROUND MY NOMINATION.
91. 6:30LINDSAY GRAHAM CAME IN LIKE A PORCUPINE.
92. 6:33AND THEN MITCH McCONNELL, SWOOP IN LIKE AN ALLIGATOR.
93. 6:38BITE HIS HEAD OFF. AND WE KNOW THERE ARE TWO KINDS
94. 6:41OF CRIME, REGULAR AND BLACK. >> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL
95. 6:48RIGHT. CASE MADE.
96. 6:49CASE MADE, THANK YOU, SECRETARY SESSIONS.
97. 6:57NOW YOU KNOW WE NEED SOME ONE HERE TO BRING BACK LAW AND
98. 7:01ORDER BECAUSE IN PLACES LIKE CHICAGO, THE MURDER RATE IS OVER
99. 7:0280%. 80% OF PEOPLE IN CHICAGO HAVE
100. 7:07BEEN MURDERED AND ARE DEAD. THEY'RE DEAD.
101. 7:10AND THAT'S ON YOU. YOU DID THAT.
102. 7:15>> YEAH, OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M LOOKING AT
103. 7:16THE REAL NUMBERS HERE AND THEY DIRECTLY CONTRADICT EVERYTHING
104. 7:20YOU JUST SAID. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WAS?
105. 7:40THAT WAS ME BLOWING AWAY THEIR DISHONESTY.
106. 7:44ANY OTHER QUESTIONS? >> YEAH, UH, JUST MENTALLY
107. 7:46THOUGH, ARE YOU OKAY? >> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
108. 7:52ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE!
109. 8:07LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!