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Sadia Khan: The Dating Red Flags No One Talks About | GlowLab with Susan Yara — Transcript

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0:00What ends up happening is men think that
0:01they can divorce sex from intimacy. They
0:03think that they can sleep around loads
0:05and then get married and have a happy
0:06stable life. But they struggle with that
0:08far more than women do because they're
0:10the ones that get used to a level of
0:12arousal that they can't come back from.
0:14Whereas women who sleep around a lot,
0:15I'm not encouraging that in any way
0:16shape or form, but they can reverse it
0:18in the sense that they can get bored of
0:20men. They can get bored of sex. You'll
0:21see these girls that are OnlyFans models
0:22and the next day they find Jesus and
0:24they become virgins again. Like they get
0:25over it. Or you'll see these girls that
0:27are partying in the club and then you
0:28see them 10 years later they've got a
0:29dog baby and they're back to normal. But
0:31men, once they get used to a level of
0:33sexual arousal, they can't reverse it.
0:36>> Welcome to Glow Lab. We're going to have
0:37a lot of fun and learn a lot together.
0:38[music]
0:41I'm constantly bombarded on social media
0:42with relationship experts and their
0:44advice. Sometimes I feel like it's
0:46really good advice, sometimes I don't.
0:48But one person that really stands out to
0:49me is Sadia Khan. Whether you like her
0:51advice or not, I feel like she has a
0:53very strong stance in the advice that
0:56she's giving people and she also happens
0:57to have a new book called The Red Flags.
1:00So for today's conversation, we're
1:01talking about some of the red flags you
1:03should look for in a relationship early
1:04on and try to solve and if you can't
1:06solve it, well then maybe it's not going
1:08to work out. And then also just getting
1:09some of her advice in relationships in
1:11general. It's a really fun conversation.
1:13Sadia, I'm so excited to have you. I see
1:16your videos pop up all the time and I'm
1:18always like watch. I have to
1:19>> [laughter]
1:20>> You must be sick of me because at one
1:21point it was all over the internet and I
1:23was even thinking of blocking myself. So
1:24you must be really sick of me by now.
1:26>> No, you know what I really like about
1:28the advice that you give is that you're
1:30very You take a hard stance. Like I feel
1:32like even sometimes it's like even
1:33controversial stance on like the role of
1:35a woman when it comes to dating, the
1:36role of a man when it comes to dating.
1:38And sometimes that ruffles feathers, but
1:40I like it. I kind of like it.
1:41>> Oh, you're toxic like me.
1:43>> [laughter]
1:44>> So you like the drama. I don't mean to
1:46in any way. I've never ever done a video
1:48and thought this is going to ruffle
1:50feathers or this is going to It's never
1:51been my intention. It's just that I work
1:54with clients all day every day and I
1:55learn something new every single day.
1:57And as soon as I learn it I'm like oh
1:59got to put it out and then I put it out
2:00and it causes a bit of an eruption but
2:02it's only because I get to see what's
2:04going on behind the scenes. So I get an
2:05insight into the truth that maybe other
2:07people don't get so they see it as
2:08really polarizing but deep down if you
2:10speak to a lot of therapists or people
2:11who speak to people or divorce attorneys
2:13they'll know that this is what happens.
2:15>> You know why I think it started popping
2:16up for me is I'm I'm two years out from
2:17a divorce.
2:18>> Oh.
2:18>> And so I started dating and everything
2:20and as I got into the dating scene I
2:22started feeling like a lot of what you
2:23were saying it's it's just you're saying
2:25right like you have this this idea of
2:27what you should be doing in dating and
2:29then you realize you know like I'm
2:30trying to practice being in my feminine.
2:32>> Yeah.
2:32>> You know like letting men not trying to
2:34take over everything and like really
2:36just like trying to be like let them be
2:38masculine I'm going to be feminine
2:40>> Uh-huh.
2:41>> and like lean into that right? So when I
2:42hear some of the advice that you give to
2:44other people online I'm like okay I get
2:45it I'm I'm starting to lean into it I I
2:47I can do this you know.
2:48>> And are you enjoying the dating process?
2:50Oh you love it that's so good to hear.
2:52>> I I'm a good dater though I've always
2:53been a good dater.
2:54>> a lot of people hate going back into the
2:56dating scene you've loved it?
2:57>> Love it.
2:58>> Good and you've met you've met nice
3:00people and stuff?
3:01>> I've met great people really great
3:03people but yeah and I have a boyfriend
3:04now and I love him and I think that you
3:06know it's it's great but I you know it
3:08was fun to kind of go through a year and
3:10a half of like testing the waters seeing
3:12what I liked.
3:13>> were dating in Miami?
3:14>> I met him in Miami.
3:15>> Amazing. People say that Miami is
3:17difficult to find somebody same like
3:18Dubai.
3:19>> I think it might be I think maybe he
3:20didn't live here.
3:21>> Okay perfect.
3:22>> He was here temporarily.
3:23>> Okay you imported him perfect.
3:25>> [laughter]
3:25>> Exactly.
3:26>> Amazing okay.
3:26>> Yeah so you have a new book.
3:28>> I do I do it's called the red flags and
3:31essentially what happened is I started a
3:33therapy in 2022 and when I started I was
3:37just using the regular advice like love
3:39languages and attachment styles and the
3:42Gottman theory and using all this really
3:44well researched information thinking I
3:46know it all perfect I'll be able to help
3:47everybody but what kept happening is I
3:50was following the advice to a T I was
3:51telling everybody the exact advice.
3:53Nothing was working. Like it just wasn't
3:55working and people are like, "But we've
3:56tried the love languages, we've tried
3:58the attachment style. It's just we're
3:59still at odds." And what I realized is
4:02none of that advice can actually
4:03penetrate and work in a relationship if
4:05your partner has red flags. If they have
4:07underlying secrets, red flags, or
4:09problems, even if you go to therapy for
4:115 years, 10 years, and you go in with
4:13the best intentions, it simply won't
4:15work. There's a layer between the work
4:18that is blocking them from making
4:19progress. So, I encourage each chapter
4:21is a different question you have to ask
4:22your partner or you know, if you're a
4:24therapist to ask your clients to uncover
4:25if they have this red flag and it also
4:27gives the solution to the red flag. So,
4:28hopefully it will be helpful to a lot.
4:30>> Can you give a couple of your red flags?
4:32I know everyone will have to get the
4:33book to get the full 10.
4:35>> Absolutely.
4:35>> But give us a couple of examples.
4:37>> Yeah, so the first question well, one of
4:39the questions is what's your body count?
4:41I do encourage people to ask that.
4:43Another question is is your ex a
4:44narcissist? Another one is can you
4:45co-parent? Are you a nice guy or a nice
4:48girl? Are you transactional in your
4:49relationships? All of these types of the
4:51modern kind of problems. Do you have low
4:52self-esteem? Modern kind of questions
4:54that are really relevant to this day and
4:56age. So, what was your first sexual
4:58experience like? Do you have What's your
4:59relationship like with pornography?
5:01These kind of modern issues that perhaps
5:03previous research hasn't really
5:04explored. So, I wanted to give an
5:06insight based on what I have learned in
5:08my time of being online and being a
5:09therapist and working with thousands of
5:11clients into these deeper questions.
5:13>> Why does body count matter? I don't want
5:15to tell anyone my body count.
5:16>> So, I'm always like, "I was a virgin at
5:175."
5:18>> [laughter]
5:19>> Even though I have children.
5:21Well, one of the things I say in my book
5:22is that body count is far more of an
5:25issue when men have a high body count
5:26than when women do. And that's very
5:28contradictory to the regular advice. The
5:30regular advice and again, this is what I
5:31was following, is that men can have
5:33sleep around as much as possible, women
5:35should not, and that's how you get a
5:36perfect relationship. She's pure, he's
5:38not pure, and then they work really
5:39well. But my work as a therapist, what I
5:41have learned is men that sleep around a
5:43lot become so sexually incompatible with
5:46conservative women. They have no arousal
5:49when the woman is new to sex, when she
5:51hasn't had a lot of experience, when
5:52she's not that adventurous. So, these
5:54men who have slept around with all these
5:55types of women and gotten into
5:57non-relationship habits, they've been
5:58with women who have been had husbands,
6:00had boyfriends who do threesomes with
6:02them and do all of this stuff, then they
6:03want to go get married to a traditional
6:05woman and she's not into any of that.
6:07That's That's offensive when you ask her
6:09for a nude or it's offensive when you
6:10say, "Oh, send me a video." Like, she's
6:12like, "What are you talking about?" And
6:14so, what happens is there's a complete
6:16discrepancy between the woman that
6:17they're most attracted to sexually and
6:19the woman that they can build a life
6:20with. So, they end up actually falling
6:23more in love with the women that they're
6:24sexually compatible with and she ends up
6:26cheating on them and abusing them or
6:27whatever it is, but that's men fall in
6:29love a lot more
6:30>> She's the She's the toxic one. She's the
6:32problem, but
6:32>> She would be, but they So, what ends up
6:34happening is men think that they can
6:36divorce sex from intimacy. They think
6:38that they can sleep around loads and
6:39then get married and have a happy,
6:40stable life, but they struggle with that
6:42far more than women do because they're
6:44the ones that get used to a level of
6:46arousal that they can't come back from.
6:48Whereas, women who sleep around a lot,
6:49I'm not encouraging that in any way,
6:51shape, or form, but they can reverse it
6:52in the sense that they can get bored of
6:54men. They can get bored of sex. You'll
6:55see these girls that are OnlyFans models
6:57and the next day they find Jesus and
6:58they become virgins again. Like, they
6:59get over it. Or you'll see these girls
7:01that are partying in the club and then
7:02you see them 10 years later they got a
7:04dog and a baby and they're back to
7:05normal. But men, once they get used to a
7:07level of sexual arousal, they can't
7:09reverse it. And so, what the book does
7:11is explore how to reverse the impact of
7:14that and how you're actually better off
7:16being with somebody who's sexually
7:17compatible rather than thinking you can
7:19go sleep around and then go be with a
7:21virgin. It's not going to work that way.
7:22You're going to feel really disconnected
7:24and she's going to feel it. So, the book
7:26kind of explores those kind of things.
7:28Like, it kind of goes against what
7:29everybody else is telling you.
7:30>> Well, so if you're a woman with a high
7:32body count and a high body count is so
7:34relative. Some guys think like five is a
7:36lot, 10 is a lot. And then, you know,
7:39some guys don't care at all what the
7:40number is, right? So, should you be
7:42telling the truth?
7:43>> No, you won't you don't need to tell the
7:44truth because essentially there's no way
7:46of verifying it at all. But what I find
7:48with women who have slept around a lot
7:49and have high body counts, they get the
7:51best loyalty out of men because men are
7:54so much more loyal to good sex than good
7:56women. They prefer they if they meet a
7:58girl that they have really great sex
8:00with, they'll do everything for her.
8:02There's a reason why there's OnlyFans
8:03models making millions and nurses and
8:05doctors are struggling to pay rent
8:07because men reward promiscuity. They
8:09really really reward it. They're so
8:11loyal to it. So what ends up happening
8:12is these women who do the most get the
8:15most out of men. And but at the same
8:17time they lose respect for these men
8:18because they're like, you know, you guys
8:19are cheap and you know, easy to
8:20manipulate. So they actually end up
8:22getting a bit easier life with men than
8:25the women are actually really good,
8:26really conservative, who are saving
8:28themselves for a man. They don't seem to
8:30get the same commitment out of men in
8:32this day and age. Sadly. Yeah.
8:34>> So then what do you what do you do cuz I
8:36feel like every woman, even if we like
8:38have it in us to be like a little bit
8:39promiscuous and stuff, it's like you
8:41said, like we have we also have it in us
8:43to be like
8:43>> Reverse it. Yeah.
8:45>> chill, I don't need this anymore. Yeah.
8:46But what are we supposed to do?
8:48>> I would say just stay true to yourself.
8:49Like try and stay true to yourself. Go
8:51with what feels right, but don't ignore
8:53the fact that, you know, don't believe
8:55that just because he slept around loads
8:56and loads and loads, it's out of his
8:58system. Realize that they're usually
9:00used to a certain level of experience.
9:01So try and choose somebody who's
9:03compatible with you. I'm not saying he'd
9:05be as conservative as you. He might be
9:06one or two levels above you, but if he's
9:08got a really wild past it's going to be
9:10difficult getting the correct intimacy
9:12out of him. So choose somebody with a
9:13compatible sexual history.
9:15>> That's really what it comes down to.
9:16Compatible.
9:17>> Compatible.
9:17>> What's another one that that really
9:19stands out?
9:20>> Oh, another one where I would say that
9:21is one of the questions I always ask is
9:23do you love your partner or do you just
9:25not love yourself? And what what this
9:27chapter looks at is how low self-esteem
9:29can really affect your relationship. So
9:31so many times people come to me in
9:33marriages or relationships and they're
9:34fighting to make the relationship work.
9:36Really really fighting to make the
9:37relationship work. And the partner is
9:39really toxic, really abusive, really
9:41narcissistic, and they keep saying, "But
9:43I love him. But I love him." But the
9:45truth is it's not that they love him,
9:46they just don't have any self-esteem or
9:48self-confidence. Because if they loved
9:50themselves, they wouldn't really love
9:52this person. Because that person doesn't
9:54love you. So, the chapter really
9:56encourages women especially to take care
9:58of their appearance. One of the
9:59underlying things because in therapy
10:01they kind of enforce body positivity,
10:03they enforce just loving and accepting
10:05yourself anyway. But the reality is the
10:07more you look after yourself, keep on
10:08top of your appearance, it gives you a
10:10level of self-confidence that if
10:11worst-case scenario happened and we
10:13broke up, I'll be okay. Like even if you
10:15don't meet somebody, you feel okay. But
10:17when you've completely let yourself go,
10:19you're not proud of the person you've
10:20become, you don't like how you look, you
10:22don't like how many alternatives, you
10:23don't feel like you have any
10:24alternatives, you're in so much more
10:26tolerant of abusive and negative
10:28behaviors in your relationships. You
10:30think it's love, but it's actually lack
10:32of self-love that's making you so
10:33tolerant and patient with these men or
10:35women. But I would definitely say that
10:37you experience post-divorce or
10:38post-relationships it really is
10:40contingent on how well you looked after
10:43yourself. And if you don't look after
10:44yourself, you'll see it as quite a
10:45lonely experience afterwards. And you
10:47have to be honest with yourself about
10:48that instead of saying, "Everybody's
10:50beautiful. The world is No, some people
10:53are not. It's okay." The best thing is
10:55to just take fulfill your own potential.
10:57That's all. Not everybody can be. I'm
10:59not saying you have to be a supermodel.
11:00But when you don't fulfill your own
11:01potential, you lose your confidence in
11:03walking away because you feel like
11:05you're replaceable. Whereas when you
11:07keep on top of your appearance, you feel
11:09like worst-case scenario, I'll meet
11:10somebody else. If not, I've got friends,
11:11I've got family, I've got other men
11:12that, you know, like me. It's not the
11:14end of the world. You have this
11:15neutrality about people which is really
11:18good for your self-confidence.
11:19>> It's like that like detaching.
11:21>> Yeah. It helps. Yeah.
11:23>> Like when everyone says on social media
11:24>> Yeah, you can't You can't detach until
11:26you like your alternatives. And
11:28alternatives doesn't have to be other
11:29men, it might just be a life that you
11:30like. And now if you don't have that,
11:33you're going to really struggle to
11:34detach. But, if you do have that, you
11:36know, like you said, dating was so fun
11:37for you. Easy for you. You're beautiful.
11:39So, but it make it helps. It makes a
11:42complete difference. And I think when we
11:44try and give this unconditional love,
11:45unconditional support advice, we're
11:47doing women especially a disservice.
11:49Sometimes you have to say, "No, babe.
11:51Like, it's okay. You might need to lose
11:52a bit. You might need to gain a bit. You
11:53might need to go to It helps with the
11:55dating scene. It just helps with
11:56relationships as well. So, give it your
11:58all is what I try and encourage people
12:00to
12:00>> So, this is where I think like people do
12:01take this a little Yeah. They get a
12:02little offended when you say things like
12:04this. But, I I actually understand what
12:05you're saying because in that last I I
12:08want to say like that last 5 years of my
12:09marriage, I was a mom. I had a baby when
12:12I started feeling like I really don't
12:14want to be in this marriage anymore. I
12:15was at my worst. Probably my lowest. I
12:17was working really, really hard to build
12:19a brand. We were in COVID lockdown. I
12:22felt like I was trying to gain a little
12:23bit of weight. I wasn't making time for
12:24the gym because I was working so much. I
12:27was like dealing with my babies, doing
12:29all this stuff. And I didn't feel good.
12:32And I look back on it and it's it's
12:34weird to think that I spent the next 5
12:36years basically just letting myself go
12:39and dealing, you know? And now, like
12:42people people keep saying to me like
12:44>> [laughter]
12:45>> they're like, "Oh my god, that post
12:47post-divorce glow up and everything."
12:48It's like it's not really even the
12:50divorce. It's that I just decided to
12:53take care of myself and focus on myself.
12:55>> But, I do recommend trying to do that in
12:56the marriage. Yeah, I do recommend it
12:58cuz I One of the things I do see in
13:00social media is post-divorce, they have
13:02this glow up. But, I recommend bringing
13:04that to your marriage because it keeps
13:05the intimacy alive firstly. And
13:07secondly, it helps you differentiate
13:09between am I just here because I don't
13:11have alternatives or am I here because I
13:13genuinely like this person? Whereas,
13:14when we let ourselves go, we don't know.
13:16We don't know if we're just here because
13:17we've got no options or if we actually
13:19love the person. So, I think always
13:20putting your best foot forward when it
13:21comes to your partner cuz same thing
13:23with men. Sometimes what will happen is
13:25in their marriages they're really lazy.
13:26In their marriages they're not very
13:27generous. But when they go dating,
13:29they're showing off with these new
13:30girls, buying her things, and taking her
13:32out. And it's like, why don't you just
13:33bring that into your marriage to the
13:34person who deserves it the most?
13:36Similarly, I would say to girls, bring
13:37it into your marriage cuz it's that's
13:38the person that you vowed to be with
13:40forever. So, try and bring the best
13:41version of yourself into your marriage.
13:42And then it will help you decipher
13:43whether they're good for you or not.
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15:11>> Are there tricks, now that I'm dating?
15:14>> [laughter]
15:14>> Are there tricks? Like, should you You
15:16know, I I think about this all the time,
15:18right? I'm really good at the beginning
15:20stages of dating. Like, I'm good at
15:22being a little bit detached, being like,
15:24you got to you got to impress me. Yeah.
15:26But then when you start getting into the
15:27stage where you're like, okay, we've
15:29like we're in love, we've decided we're
15:31in this relationship, we're in it
15:32together. Do you still have to play
15:34games? Do you think like like not games,
15:36but you know what I'm saying?
15:37>> Yeah, but I would look it's if you're a
15:39very loyal rational person, you get a
15:42bit obsessed with a man. It happens,
15:43right? It just genuinely happens in the
15:45beginning stages. But what I would say
15:47is you don't need to play games at all.
15:49It's not healthy because what will
15:50happen is you'll either attract somebody
15:52who falls for games, which is a man you
15:53can't really respect, or a
15:55man that also plays games, which will
15:57cause a toxicity. So you don't have to
15:59play those games, but what I would say
16:01is how you stay rational in
16:03relationships is try to remember four
16:06steps when it comes to uh falling in
16:08love with men. And you people can get
16:10stuck in one of those stages and then
16:12they get obsessed with the man and then
16:13they make bad decisions. If you just
16:15remember these four pieces of criteria,
16:16which I do talk about in the book, you
16:18will also be able to assess the person
16:21you're falling in love with rather than
16:22just fall head down like headfirst.
16:24Yeah. And that assessment criteria is
16:26really great for keeping you either
16:27detached or allowing you to love uh
16:29freely. So the first thing I always tell
16:31tell women if you are dating or if
16:32you're trying to meet a man, choose a
16:34man you're attracted to first and
16:35foremost. Don't compromise on
16:37attraction. So many women when it comes
16:39to getting married or they want to have
16:40a baby, they're like, I'm not that
16:42attracted to him, but he's really
16:43obsessed with me, so I'll marry him. Or
16:44I'm not that attracted to him, but he's
16:46safe. He won't cheat on me because he's
16:48not that attractive. They can all cheat.
16:50Unfortunately, yeah. They can all cheat.
16:51So you don't pick somebody you're not
16:52attracted to as a form of safety because
16:54all it will do is you will over time not
16:57be able to be physical with them. You
16:58will over time not be able to initiate
17:00sex. You'll be over time not be able to
17:02initiate kisses and hugs, especially
17:03after children. And he will resent you.
17:06And it will just And there's affairs are
17:08more likely. So always start with people
17:10you're attracted to. And once you found
17:12somebody you're attracted to, then
17:13figure out do you admire the man he is.
17:16The best way to figure out if you admire
17:18the person is do they make good
17:19decisions? Yeah, it doesn't mean that
17:21they have to be perfect, but in general,
17:23do they eat quite right? Do they drink
17:24right right amount? Do they have any
17:26addictions? Do they not have any
17:27addictions? Are they quite a good
17:28decision-maker? Do they make decisions
17:30fast, quickly, do it properly, and you
17:32know, they're they're good at leading.
17:34If they're terrible decision-makers,
17:36even if you're attracted to them, you're
17:37going to be in a state of chaos. So many
17:39women you know, struggling with their
17:41partner right now because they're super
17:43attracted to this man, but he's a drug
17:45addict, or he's always watching
17:47pornography, or he's always in the club
17:49every day. So she's so attracted to him,
17:51but she doesn't actually admire him, so
17:53she ends up nagging him all the time.
17:55And the nagging comes when you're with a
17:57man you don't truly admire. You don't
17:58trust his judgment. You don't like his
18:00decision-making. So when men say, "Oh,
18:01she's nagging me." I'm like, "Well, then
18:03you must be a man that she doesn't like
18:04the decisions of." And she has to take
18:06accountability for the fact that she
18:07allowed her attraction to him override
18:09whether or not she actually admires him.
18:11Yeah? So once you've got the attraction
18:13and and admiration, the third thing,
18:14which is super important, after it has
18:16to come after, is he has to really adore
18:18you, and really reassure you, be loyal
18:21to you,
18:22you know, close off alternatives,
18:24reassurance, all that adoration has to
18:25come after. If a man gives it too early,
18:28you don't know if you're actually
18:29attaching to him or his adoration. And
18:31that's where the love bombing, all those
18:33labels come to it. So if he starts with
18:34that too early,
18:36if you've got low self-esteem, you'll
18:37fall for it, and you'll be like, "Oh, he
18:38love bombed me, he loved me." But you
18:39can only love someone who is low
18:42self-esteem. So I would say make sure
18:44you wait until you truly admire the
18:46person, then appreciate the adoration.
18:48And if you don't attracted to him, his
18:49adoration can feel a bit like an ick. It
18:51can always be like, "Oh, he's too into
18:52me." Yeah. Yeah.
18:54>> I laughed at one of my girlfriends the
18:56other day because she's like, "These
18:58guys that like, you know, the why don't
18:59they just like show this effort and
19:01stuff?" I'm like, and I teased her, I
19:02was like, "Except for there are those
19:03guys that show so much effort, but then
19:05you hate them."
19:05>> Yeah, and they're just [laughter] girls.
19:07But we wouldn't if we were attracted to
19:08them. Yeah? So and men make that mistake
19:10that they think they can just buy
19:11attraction, or they can adore a woman
19:13into attraction, but if she's not truly
19:14attracted to you, she'll either use you
19:16because she thinks, "Okay, he's really
19:17into me. I might as well use him." Or
19:19she will get the ick. And if she's got
19:22more integrity, she'll just be like, "I
19:23just get the ick and I don't really like
19:24it." And then the final thing I would
19:26say is he has to have some level of
19:28assistance. And what I mean by that is
19:30you don't have to, you know, solve every
19:32problem of a woman's, but at the same
19:33time, you know, when you have children,
19:35you need someone that can assist with
19:36that. Or, you know, when you've got
19:38problems that are just not for you, like
19:40car related problems or whatever it is,
19:41you need assistance. If you have a man
19:43that just doesn't have a natural
19:44instinct to try and assist you in these
19:46ways, you're going to hate him. Like it
19:49just happens. Yeah, you start to hate
19:51them. I don't know what happens to
19:52women, but after we marry men, we hate
19:54them.
19:55We start to be like cuz we realize
19:57whether they're being assistant or if
19:58they're just an added burden. Burden.
20:00So, if you if you look at those four
20:02criterias, that will really help you
20:04when it comes to dating because let's
20:05say, for example, he's missing one of
20:06those, but you're really attached, that
20:08will help you rationalize and be like,
20:09"Look, I know I'm really obsessed with
20:10him, but he's a heavy drinker. He is a
20:12bit of a bad decision maker. Maybe I
20:14need to slow my roll a bit." Or maybe I
20:16do really like him, but he's not really
20:17adoring to me. He's not really Let me
20:19slow down a little bit. So, if you use
20:20that criteria, it will help rationalize
20:23your attachment to him.
20:24>> The being attracted one, I do feel I
20:27mean, we see so many women with guys
20:28that were like, "Yeah, what does he have
20:30that she's dating him, right?" And I And
20:32I know I've been in relationships where
20:34I dated a guy because purely he he was
20:37like such a puppy dog for me. Like he
20:38did everything for me and it felt like
20:40maybe I'm a problem if I'm not No. If I
20:43don't like this, right?
20:44>> where social media has totally destroyed
20:45women's mindset because they teach you
20:47that you should be with a golden
20:48retriever. You should be with a man
20:50that's obsessed with you, thinks you're
20:5220 out of 10, and worships the ground
20:54you walk on. And if you don't like him
20:56back, there's something wrong with you.
20:57You should be so grateful. But those
20:59behaviors only work on women with low
21:01self-esteem that need a fan, need that.
21:03If you're somebody who gets love and
21:05adoration all day, every day, you're
21:06like, uh, "What else you got? Like, this
21:08is not going to work on me. Sorry, I
21:10don't need a fan. I need a partnership."
21:12Now, once you realize that those
21:14behaviors are only valid and useful when
21:16you are attracted to them back, then it
21:18you can start something. But, if you're
21:20not attracted to them back, you're just
21:21using them without realizing they're a
21:23form of validation for you, and it's not
21:24actually a form of a connection because
21:26you don't feel the same way.
21:27>> So, that old adage of like, "Marry the
21:29man who loves you more" is useless.
21:31>> It's And I'll tell you why it's
21:32especially useless. Like I said, most
21:34women, as they age or as they get into a
21:36relationship for longer, their sex drive
21:38decreases anyway. It just naturally goes
21:40down with kids and all these things. So,
21:42if you're already marrying a man you're
21:44not that attracted to, it's going to
21:45totally disappear. And men are not
21:48faithful if you don't sleep with them.
21:49It's as simple as that. So, what women
21:51are expecting is to be with this puppy
21:52dog who really loves her and she doesn't
21:54really like him, then she'll lose
21:55attraction and won't sleep with him, and
21:56then she expects monogamy on top of
21:58that. It's just not realistic. So, just
22:00choose somebody you'd be attracted to
22:01because then it helps keep the monogamy
22:03because you're more likely to be
22:04intimate.
22:05>> Yeah. So, do you think that in
22:06relationships that the the really good
22:08relationships, both partners are equally
22:11into each other? Like, feel equally
22:13lucky to be with each other?
22:14>> an equal I think the relationships that
22:16last the longest are when women love the
22:17man more because she becomes more
22:19tolerant and she becomes more patient
22:21and she becomes more willing to work on
22:23things. When the man loves a woman more,
22:24what happens is women don't have a
22:26phobia of leaving a man. Men do not
22:28leave women often, yeah?
22:31>> You know what? That is wild to me
22:33because I even in my relationship, I I
22:35swore my ex-husband didn't like me at
22:37all.
22:38>> They hate their wives and they'll say
22:39>> [laughter]
22:40>> Weird to say, and it was like I when I
22:41said that I was ready for a divorce, I
22:43thought he was going to be like, "Thank
22:44God." You know? He was like, "What?"
22:46>> No, no. Men will actually hate their
22:48wives. There's men that kill their wives
22:50rather than just divorce her. Sometimes
22:51it's just because they met another woman
22:53or whatever it is. Instead of just
22:54having the divorce, men just don't do
22:56the divorce thing. They would rather
22:58stay with their wife pretty much forever
23:00than simply take out a divorce. They
23:01just don't do it. So, when you choose a
23:04man that you love a bit more than he
23:06loves you, you're more likely to last
23:08longer because you're less likely to
23:09walk away. Whereas, when women who don't
23:12really love their men, they don't have
23:13that fear of leaving a man. They really
23:15don't have it as much. Maybe because we
23:16have a better support network or we get
23:18a lot of joy from our kids. So, we don't
23:20really need the husband as much as they
23:21need the wife. Even when I think about
23:23my own parents, my dad needed my mom my
23:25whole his whole life. My mom was like,
23:27"Whatever. Do your thing." So, I think
23:29that that's why it's actually last
23:31longer when the woman likes a man a bit
23:32more cuz she's a lot more tolerant and a
23:34lot more patient. Not always a good
23:35thing, but she's a lot more patient.
23:37But, when a man likes a woman a lot more
23:39than she likes him,
23:41she might stay with him a long time
23:43because it's it's no obvious problems.
23:45But, she will definitely lose respect
23:47and she'll definitely lose attraction.
23:49And it just happens, you know? So, she
23:51might stay with him, but she won't truly
23:53desire him. It kills the desire. So, the
23:56best relationships are when people love
23:57each other equally. Not all Maybe they
23:59don't catch each other at the same time.
24:01Maybe sometimes he loves her more, she
24:02loves him more, and it goes back and
24:03forth. But, overall, you can see they're
24:05equally attracted, committed, and
24:07invested in each other.
24:08>> Yeah.
24:08>> It's equal. You know, do you think So,
24:10this is something that I've started to
24:11notice in my dating life. There are so
24:13many things compared to, you know, I was
24:15with my ex-husband for like dating and
24:17married for 15 years, right? So, the
24:19landscape has changed and social media
24:21is
24:21different and everything's so different,
24:23right? Do you think that you should be
24:25addressing little things like
24:26micro-cheating type things? Like a guy
24:28liking other girls' pictures and like
24:30having like like liking someone's
24:32stories. Not that you could really ever
24:33know when he's doing this and stuff.
24:35But, should you address weird little
24:37things like that? Cuz I worry sometimes
24:39like is it nagging? Or am I addressing
24:41it, getting it like like, you know,
24:43closing the door on that right away
24:45early in the relationship? Or should you
24:46just kind of like
24:47>> Well, you have two options depending on
24:49the type of man you're with. You can I
24:51personally don't see anything wrong in
24:52addressing it. You can address it and
24:54say, "Well, look, these are
24:55disrespectful. It's just disrespectful.
24:56If you like beautiful girls, you're
24:58going to like them forever. This is
24:59normal. But you don't need to leave a
25:00digital trace. It just it sparked
25:02something in me that I don't like. Let's
25:04just not do that. Or what you can do is
25:06if you know your partner doesn't listen,
25:07you have to stop looking for it. You can
25:09just delete them where you can't see it.
25:11And I know that's not really great. It's
25:12kind of burying your head under the
25:13sand, but the problem with
25:15micro-cheating is most people don't
25:17leave over that. So what ends up
25:19happening is you're stalking it and
25:21watching it, but you're not going to
25:22leave. So what ends up you're just going
25:24to increase your anxiety and stress and
25:26your insecurity, but there's going to be
25:29no follow-up. So that you have to just
25:31make a decision. Either ask him and he
25:32doesn't listen, and then if he doesn't
25:34listen and you don't want to break up
25:35with him, protect your own peace. Maybe
25:37just delete him so that you can't see it
25:39or whatever it is. Do something to
25:40protect your own peace because
25:42the problem is if they're not listening
25:44to you and you're not leaving, by
25:46stalking it and watching it, you become
25:48someone you don't like. You'll start to
25:51watch other women all the time. You'll
25:52start to be jealous of other people.
25:54You're probably scrolling thinking, "Oh,
25:55I hope he doesn't see this girl." And it
25:57brings out insides of you that you don't
25:58want to want. So you just have to make a
26:00decision between the two. But hopefully
26:01if you're with a rational man who's
26:03ready for commitment, he'll understand
26:04that there's no need for these types of
26:05things.
26:06>> And to be clear, this isn't the current
26:07boyfriend. This was a guy that I was
26:09dating and I started to get weird
26:10feelings about his interactions on
26:12social media and I was like So I brought
26:14it up to him and I was like, "This feels
26:15weird." And then later,
26:17like months later after we were already
26:19done dating, I start finding out from
26:21people they'd be like, "You know that he
26:22was like sending so-and-so these weird
26:24>> Yeah. It's always a signal of something
26:26silly. So that's why they just shouldn't
26:28do it. But did he listen when you said
26:30it to him or you didn't say?
26:32>> Ish. He like listened ish.
26:34>> Ish.
26:35>> But this is what I would say to men like
26:37even when you start dating, you start
26:39leaving those traces, you're just
26:40planting insecurities in her. If you
26:42want to If you want to cheat, at least
26:44don't leave a trail. Like let's
26:46be smart about it.
26:48Honestly, you could get away with so
26:49much more murder when you just pretend
26:51you don't do that stuff. Just pretend.
26:54Make your own life easier. Work smarter
26:56not harder.
26:57>> [laughter]
26:58>> Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is like the stuff
26:59that you crack me up when I see like
27:02>> Yeah. You know, I'll see sometimes like
27:03comments under some of the videos that
27:04you have, but I'm sitting there like
27:06laughing
27:07>> Because I'm just like be smart about it.
27:08Like if I was a man, that's the last
27:10thing I would do is be liking pictures
27:12of that. I'd be like let me just let her
27:13think I never look at these things. And
27:15if I want to look, I look, I look,
27:16whatever. But in front of her staring at
27:18other women, commenting, just make
27:20yourself look stupid. You create
27:21problems in your relationship over
27:22imaginary issues, which is your own
27:24fault. So just be smart is what I would
27:26say to men. Wake up, yeah.
27:28>> Yeah, for sure. What is one of the
27:29biggest issues that you see, you know,
27:31what do couples come to you with
27:32usually?
27:33>> The main thing that you know, people
27:35come to me with that they don't realize
27:37is affecting their relationship is their
27:38partner's relationship with pornography.
27:40This is probably the biggest issue in
27:43this day and age that I find with men
27:45and women is men are developing a really
27:48dark dependency on pornography. And what
27:51that's leading to, I mean, you know,
27:53particularly in the younger generation,
27:55is what happens is they get really
27:57addicted to this pornography. That
27:58pornography then affects their arousal.
28:00They can't get aroused the regular way
28:02in any regular form. So they either have
28:04to depend on Viagra or they have to
28:06depend on her doing more and more to get
28:08him aroused. Now, that makes any woman
28:11feel uncomfortable. When she really has
28:13to work for your attraction and really
28:15has to work for your arousal, she either
28:18starts to feel really insecure or she'll
28:19seek out other men or other situations
28:21because it just signals low masculinity.
28:24Because, you know, like we're used to
28:26the idea of men, you know, just looking
28:27at a woman and getting all excited. But
28:29if you've got a husband that really
28:31struggles to get aroused, doesn't
28:32initiate any intimacy, doesn't And
28:34there's a lot of men that go months,
28:35weeks, years without touching their
28:37wives. We hear it that way around as
28:39well. So this is a hidden thing that
28:40lots of people are not talking about.
28:41They always talk about women rejecting
28:43men sexually, but there's an epidemic of
28:45men who don't initiate sex with their
28:47wife, who do not get aroused by their
28:49wife, who are continuously watching
28:51something that they shouldn't be
28:52watching, and there's a secret
28:54brokenness in their intimacy, which then
28:56leads to so many other fights. So, it
28:59either leads to, you know, them picking
29:01on each other in their day-to-day
29:02because they don't have intimacy. So,
29:03when you have intimacy with somebody,
29:05you even if you're watching a show that
29:07you don't like that much, you don't mind
29:08cuz you'll end up kissing and being
29:09affectionate and so on and so forth.
29:11But, if you have that problem in your
29:12marriage, even a show watching could
29:15lead to a big fight because there's no
29:16connection at the end of the night. So,
29:18I would say that's a hidden problem that
29:20probably people aren't discussing
29:21enough. And the other problem that's
29:23happened with that is so many women have
29:25normalized it. They watch it with their
29:27partner. They don't mind if he watches
29:29it. They're kind of okay with it. But,
29:30then the repercussions are he's not
29:32attracted to her anymore.
29:33And so, I've met women who had to play
29:35it in the background or, you know, show
29:37pictures of another woman for their
29:39husband to get a reaction. This is what
29:41I would say is a hidden epidemic in
29:43modern men that a lot of women are
29:45suffering from.
29:46>> You know, I had a roommate. This was a
29:48long time ago. He I remember he started
29:51dating this girl that I loved. I loved
29:53her, and she would be there at our
29:55apartment all the time. This is I was in
29:56my 20s in New York City. And then she
29:59would leave.
29:59>> Uh-huh.
30:00>> And he every night would bring over a
30:02girl he met online.
30:03>> Yeah.
30:04>> And like just have sex with her, and it
30:06would turn into this pattern almost
30:07every single night. And then I I finally
30:09had to have a talk with him. I was like,
30:10"There's girl code.
30:11>> Yeah.
30:12>> where I can't
30:13>> I can't be around your
30:15>> girlfriend who I like especially,
30:16>> Yeah.
30:17>> and hold these lies that at night when
30:19she's not around that you bring all
30:20these random girls over all the time,
30:22and you seem to like not be happy
30:24>> Yeah.
30:25>> with like your sex life or something."
30:26And eventually it came out. He admitted
30:28to me that he he went to a therapist,
30:30>> Yeah.
30:30>> and he found out, you know, he was
30:32watching too much porn.
30:33>> Yeah.
30:34>> And he got he he was dubbed a sex
30:36addict.
30:37>> Yeah. Well, actually, what ends up
30:38happening with these men that be how
30:39porn addicts, they very quickly move on
30:41to escorts. And what happens is and they
30:44think it's because and they give
30:45themselves a lie that always cuz it's
30:47quick and easy, it's no stress, it's
30:48none of that. The real reason why they
30:50turn to escorts is because they've lost
30:52their sexual confidence. If you are a
30:54sexually confident man, part of your
30:56enjoyment in sex is knowing how much she
30:58likes it as well, knowing how much she's
31:00enjoying your body, knowing how much
31:02you're pleasing her. But if you're not
31:04confident man, you don't want her
31:05feedback. You just want her permission.
31:07So you just want to give her some money
31:09so she can kind of be quiet and just let
31:11her let you climax. But you're not even
31:13considering if she's attracted to you,
31:14if she's enjoying this, you're not
31:16having those regular thoughts, which is
31:17very predatory. And I think we've
31:19normalized this idea of going to escort,
31:21but it's just rapist with a loophole.
31:24Yeah. That's all it essentially is
31:25because the fundamental ingredient of,
31:27you know, predatory or rapist behavior
31:29is having sex with a woman who doesn't
31:31want to have sex with you. That's all it
31:32is, yeah? Now that you found a loophole
31:34that she's saying yes because you're
31:36paying her, the mindset is still very
31:38similar to a predator. It's just you
31:40just have a job money.
31:41She didn't choose you. So the regular
31:44healthy way to get consent is making a
31:46woman choosing a woman who desires you.
31:48That's a regular way of getting consent.
31:50But if you're going to buy your consent,
31:52you just happen to have the same mindset
31:54but with money. That's all it is and
31:56with a loophole. You're just probably
31:57more aware of the law and you're
31:58probably less risk-taking, but the
32:00mindset is not healthy. So I would say
32:02the porn addiction leads to a very dark
32:04dark depressed path for a lot of men
32:06which they're just not prepared to
32:07admit. Yeah. They will always lie and
32:09say oh she's lying, it's just because
32:11it's convenient. Women are too much
32:12stress. Not if they're attracted to you.
32:14Women are very stress-free when they
32:16love you and are attracted to you. They
32:18accommodate you. They want to impress
32:20you. They'll sleep with you. They kiss
32:21you. When they're not attracted to you,
32:23they're very difficult. So you have to
32:24work on that side of things rather than
32:26just labeling women as really difficult
32:28cuz they're not what you know, when you
32:29are attracted to a man, you're like easy
32:31going. You're like yeah, whatever you
32:33want. You're like as nice as pie. It's
32:34when you're not attracted to a man,
32:36you're difficult and that's every woman.
32:37>> That is totally true.
32:38>> Yeah.
32:39>> A lot of my friends will meet a guy
32:41who's 40 or something. He's never been
32:43married, doesn't have kids, nothing like
32:45that. And they're like
32:47there must be something wrong with him.
32:49Do you think there's something wrong
32:50with him?
32:50>> Yeah.
32:51>> Yeah.
32:52>> I do. I do. I do. It's not that he's a
32:54bad person, but I think one of the
32:56things that people don't realize is
32:57getting into marriages or long
32:59relationships requires habits. So, what
33:01I mean by that is
33:03if you have to practice a skill like you
33:05practice any muscle. So, men who have
33:08always been in relationships and always
33:09been married, and you might experience
33:10this as well, you're probably just in a
33:12relationship habit. So, when you go into
33:14dating, it's normal for you to check up
33:15on the person, call that person, keep a
33:17connection going, check in if they're
33:19okay, because you probably been doing
33:20that for so many years that it comes
33:22natural to spend time with someone,
33:23check in on them. You probably have
33:25relationship habits. And so, you'll find
33:27getting into a relationship quite
33:28quickly and easily. It's not as
33:29difficult. Now, if you're the type of
33:31person, man or woman, who's spent the
33:33last 10 years having disconnected
33:35relationships, one-night stands,
33:36breaking up, not connecting, not
33:38checking in on someone, not sleeping
33:40next to somebody, not planning your
33:42weekends together, you're going to find
33:44that habit difficult to become
33:45accustomed to. So, what ends up
33:47happening is men that have never done it
33:49even if they meet the love of their life
33:50they always say, "Oh, it's because I've
33:51never met the right person, blah blah."
33:53It's not really that. It's just that
33:54they haven't met they haven't practiced
33:55the right skills. They've had
33:57disconnected sex. They've had one-night
33:59stands. They've had relationships with a
34:01girl, but they don't keep in contact or
34:03they leave her on red or they go here or
34:04there everywhere. They've just built
34:06non-relationship habits. So, it's harder
34:08to get him to get into the habit of a
34:11relationship, right? That's all. Doesn't
34:13mean he's a bad person, but he's just
34:15harder to get him into the habit of
34:16relationships.
34:17>> Okay, so then how about like age gap
34:18relationships both both ways, right?
34:21Like women with younger men, men with
34:23younger women.
34:24>> Right. I I I do talk about that.
34:27Yeah, I do talk about that in the book.
34:28Now, one of the things I say when it
34:30comes to age gap relationships, it's
34:31becoming a lot more common because
34:32transactional relationships are becoming
34:33more common. And so, every time I come
34:36across a couple with a huge age gap,
34:38where obviously one can be the parent of
34:40the other,
34:41uh usually the woman has some form of a
34:42daddy issue. Uh usually there's a lack
34:44of father figure in as she was growing
34:46up. Now, what happens to women who grow
34:48up without a father is they still they
34:50crave that protection that they missed
34:52out on. So, women that do grow up with
34:54fathers, you kind of learn the
34:56difference between a father's role and a
34:58man you're attracted to. So, fathers
34:59will always see tell you off a little
35:00bit. They'll talk about mortgages,
35:02finances, and they have these boring
35:04conversations that you can't stand. But,
35:05if you never grew up with that, and you
35:07meet a man considerably older and he's
35:08talking about all these things, you see
35:10that as so admirable because you didn't
35:12have it. Whereas, when you did have it,
35:13you see it as a dad conversations. So,
35:15when you have a father, you can just
35:17pick who you're truly attracted to. When
35:19you didn't have a father, you pick
35:20somebody who can solve some of the
35:21problems that your dad didn't do for
35:23you. Whether that's financial problems
35:24that he wasn't there for, or emotional
35:26problems he wasn't there for. You're not
35:27really focused on who you're attracted
35:29to, you're focused on who can fill the
35:30voids of what he the gaps he left. So,
35:33women that engage in that tend to go for
35:34men because they had that daddy issue.
35:37They also tend to be women that have a
35:39few problems that they need solving.
35:41Usually they need somebody who can pay
35:42their bills, they need somebody that can
35:44solve a lot of problems with that. And
35:45older men have that capability because
35:47they have the money and time and so on
35:48and so to do that. So, from the woman's
35:50end, it usually is a big daddy issue.
35:52From the man's end that really goes for
35:54a lot of younger women, usually those
35:56men tend to be men who didn't have
35:58access to women growing up. They didn't
36:00get those beautiful girls when they were
36:02young, they didn't If you speak to men
36:03that got women their whole life, and
36:05especially when they were younger, they
36:06kind of get bored of women, they get
36:08married, and they kind of stick to one
36:09woman forever, and they realize all
36:10women are the same. They don't put one
36:12particular woman on a pedestal, but
36:13they've had women their whole life.
36:14Whereas, when you speak to men who've
36:15never had access to women, they really
36:17put young beautiful women on a pedestal.
36:19They really put her up there, and they
36:23they to get that validation and to feel
36:24young and to feel attractive, they'll do
36:26anything. So, they don't mind paying
36:28their way to a date. They don't mind
36:30saying like, "I'll pay your bills." They
36:31don't mind maneuvering what the the
36:33transaction is in order to get access to
36:35her. So, that's usually what I find.
36:37Doesn't mean it's not going to work. It
36:38can still work out. It's just that
36:40there's usually these underlying unmet
36:42needs that people don't really talk
36:43about. They think love has no age, but
36:45it does have compatibility and these two
36:47cohorts, especially in this day and age,
36:48have nothing in common.
36:49>> Wait, wait, but I will say as an older
36:51woman, I have gone on dates with guys
36:54that are older than me, my age, and then
36:56younger. And I'm finding now the younger
36:58men are a little bit more emotionally
37:00mature.
37:01>> And what
37:02what happens with the women that go for
37:03younger men, what usually is the case,
37:05is when a woman can no longer have to
37:07worry about Let's say she's financially
37:09secure and let's say she's had her
37:11children. She can literally just focus
37:13on who she's attracted to. And it's as
37:15simple and as easy as that. So, she will
37:16just think, "Who is cute? Who gives me
37:18no stress? Who's nice to me?" And they
37:20focus on that. When you have to worry
37:22about kids and finances, you have to to
37:24make a lot
37:25>> more rational decisions.
37:26>> Yeah. You can't let lust guide you or
37:28you can't let attention or validate You
37:30can't let that guide you. So, I find as
37:32women, once they've accomplished what
37:33they want to accomplish in life, a bit
37:34like Mariah Carey or Madonna, they're
37:36going to go for who's cute and they they
37:39change their standards a little bit. If
37:40they're dating men their own age or a
37:42bit older, they want someone super
37:44successful, they want someone who's able
37:45to, you know, really look after her and
37:47all those things. But if they're going
37:48younger, they're a lot more tolerant of
37:50his, you know, maybe he's not as
37:52successful and maybe he's not doing as
37:54much. So, they change their standards
37:56for the younger ones that they
37:57>> I almost think it's like a pure like it
37:58feels very pure, like you're just kind
38:00of liking them.
38:01>> Yeah, yeah, you just like it. They're
38:03nice and fun and nice and fun. They
38:04treat you a lot. There's no pressure on
38:06it to make it And same thing with men. I
38:07don't mean it cuz one of the things I
38:08didn't mention when it comes to men is
38:10One thing I would say in their defense
38:11when they go for these younger women is
38:13Younger women tend to be happier. Like
38:14in the sense that they haven't been hurt
38:16as much yet. They haven't lost a parent
38:18yet or anything like that. So, I could
38:20totally understand why the joy of like
38:22young girls is so so nice to be around.
38:24It's super beautiful. And this the same
38:25applies for boys. Sometimes they're
38:27young and they're happy and they haven't
38:29seen anything. So sometimes it can just
38:30be a change of energy. But I would say
38:32for long term you'll probably need
38:34someone similar. But when it comes to
38:36just needing a bit of a refresher and
38:37having a good time,
38:39sometimes people just focus on who they
38:41like the company of. And young people
38:42are great company.
38:43>> Has there ever been something that just
38:45like surprised you? Like a couple comes
38:46to you and they, you know, they they've
38:48brought something up and then you
38:49realize like maybe this is a an issue
38:51that people don't address enough.
38:53>> Yeah, I think one of
38:54my big motivation for writing the book
38:56was when I first like came across women
38:59cheating. Before in my personal life, I
39:01didn't know anybody who cheated, a
39:02woman. I knew men.
39:03>> Now, you know what? I don't think I know
39:04any women who
39:05>> know a single woman. I'd never come
39:06across a
39:07>> Not on their husband.
39:08>> Not on their husband. I didn't know any
39:09woman. And there was one person I knew
39:11many years ago and I remember I couldn't
39:13be friends with her anymore. I was so
39:14judgmental. I was just like, I cannot be
39:17friends with somebody who does this.
39:18It's just not my style. I'm not like
39:19that.
39:20>> Yeah.
39:20>> I can't be around it. And then when I
39:22became a therapist, I was seeing it all
39:24the time. So many times women were
39:26cheating on men. And I was always
39:29thought that if you cheat on a man, he
39:30must be toxic, he must be abusive, he
39:32must be the worst man on the planet. But
39:34what I actually found in my work is the
39:36opposite. Women were so faithful to
39:38toxic men. They were so faithful to the
39:40man that was not good to her, but super
39:42unfaithful to the nice guy. The guy
39:45that's overly nice, overly positive,
39:47overly attached to her, doesn't stand up
39:49for himself, is super weak. There was a
39:51weakness in these men that was a common
39:53thread amongst all the men that got
39:55cheated on. And I used to think that it
39:57must be the woman who's really toxic.
39:58She must be really bad. But it was
40:00actually the there was a prototype of a
40:01man that constantly gets cheated on
40:04again and again and again. And I was
40:06like, oh, it's actually the man. He he
40:09has a particular identity that attracts
40:11a particular type of woman which always
40:13leads to infidelity. So it was a a more
40:15predictable than I realized. And that's
40:17was the thing that surprised me the
40:18most. But, he's not toxic. He is
40:20actually the nice guy that gets cheated
40:22on the most. So, the nice guy, you know,
40:24a lot again, the old adage is like date
40:26the nice guy. The nice guy, he gets
40:28cheated on.
40:29And once you're with him, you'll
40:30understand why he gets cheated on all
40:33the
40:33>> boring? What is it?
40:34>> Well, here's the thing with nice guys.
40:36Number one thing with most nice guys is
40:38they grow up really attached to their
40:39mothers. Now, you might think, "Oh my
40:41god, a guy that's super attached to his
40:42mother, great. He's going to be
40:43wonderful in all those things." But,
40:45actually he tends to be weaker. He tends
40:48to be softer, he's less dominant, he's
40:50not a leader, he doesn't like to make
40:51decisions, he's a bit too obedient. So,
40:53what ends up happening is he's by design
40:55a bit softer and a bit less masculine.
40:57Then, what happens with these nice guys
40:58when they get into relationships, they
41:00have an intense fear of conflict. They
41:03just avoid conflict at all times. So,
41:06what they'll do to avoid the conflict is
41:08either they will not say what they're
41:10upset about and hold it in, but then
41:12they're passive-aggressive and show
41:13these little microaggressions. Or, what
41:15they'll do is they they just become
41:18super obedient. They just don't want to
41:19rock the boat. So, they don't have a
41:21decision, they don't make decisions,
41:22they don't lead, they don't know how to
41:24decide what's what. They just let her
41:26make all the decisions, and she gets so
41:28frustrated in that process. She gets so
41:30frustrated like
41:31>> Yeah, I don't want to make all the I
41:32want to be a passenger prince princess.
41:34I make decisions all day.
41:35>> She just decide something, but they're
41:36like, "Well, you're going to yell at me
41:38if if I get it wrong." And it's like,
41:39"So? Like, get yelled at. It's not that
41:41serious." But, they're so avoidant of
41:43conflict that they end up just being
41:45this really passive kind of man, and
41:47that leaks into the intimacy. He also
41:49doesn't initiate intimacy as much, he
41:51doesn't know how to be dominant in that
41:53regard, he is super super passive. So,
41:55what ends up happening is the
41:56relationship loses its connection in a
41:59way, shape, or form because she can't
42:00see him in any way, shape, or form as
42:02being a dominant figure. So, she doesn't
42:04have he has no sex appeal left. And then
42:06what happens is because he's
42:07non-confrontational, when she starts
42:10cheating, let's say for example she
42:11meets another man or she's talking to an
42:13ex, or she's obviously going out a lot
42:14more. He doesn't have the courage to
42:16confront it. And women are actually
42:18super attracted to protective jealousy.
42:20They don't realize it, but they're super
42:21attracted to a guy that will say,
42:23"Excuse me, I think that guy's looking
42:24at you. If he looks at you one more
42:25time, I'm going to like You know, they
42:27actually secretly attracted to that.
42:28That's unconsciously. Or when they see
42:30that an ex is trying to call you, a man
42:32that says, "Oh, but no, sorry, that's
42:33not going to happen because I don't
42:35accept that." We're actually attracted
42:37to protective jealousy. But what these
42:39men think is that's toxic. So they let
42:41her do whatever she wants, whenever she
42:43wants. They don't question anything. And
42:44as a result, they attract women who are
42:46more likely to be doing those things
42:48because a good healthy woman would kind
42:50of say, "Look, you should have a
42:51boundary, I should have a boundary. We
42:53don't cross each other's lines." But an
42:54unhealthy woman loves the fact that he
42:56doesn't confront anything. So these men
42:58tend to be only compatible with women
43:01who are hiding things, who are
43:02dominating, who take all the leadership,
43:05and who decide how the relationship ends
43:07up. And as a result, these men always
43:09end up getting cheated on.
43:10>> Ooh, how can I keep my son from becoming
43:12that?
43:13>> Oh.
43:13>> Cuz I want to be tight with my son.
43:14>> Yeah, you you what you what you want to
43:16do when it comes to sons is encourage
43:18them to have a relationship with both
43:19parents, yeah? As much as possible. One
43:20of the mistakes that women make, and I'm
43:22not I'm just not saying you in any way,
43:23shape, or form, is they try and turn
43:25them against their father in
43:27brainwashing any way, shape, or form.
43:28The moment, unfortunately, you brainwash
43:29a boy against fathers, they are more
43:32prone to be manipulated in
43:33relationships. The moment you manipulate
43:35them in the home, they get manipulated
43:37outside of the home. You're their first
43:39point point of contact of what women are
43:41like. So if you're the type of mother,
43:43and I get this all the time with women
43:45that will say he cheated their dad
43:46cheated on me, so I don't let them see
43:48their dad. But it's not relevant,
43:49unfortunately. Yeah, it's not related.
43:52They can still have a relationship with
43:53their father. He might be a terrible
43:54husband, but it's not linked to as a
43:56father. And so they kind of brainwash
43:58him. So the first thing is try and avoid
44:00brainwashing. And a lot of mothers will
44:02try and get them to hate their father
44:03and love their stepfather. Again, that's
44:06going to
44:07get them ready for manipulation a lot of
44:09the time. So, they end up going into the
44:11real world when they have that
44:12relationship with their mother to being
44:14easily manipulated by women and thinking
44:16women are the victims. Women are always
44:17right, men are the problems. So, they
44:19look for women who are always need
44:20saving, who always blame everybody else,
44:23who want extreme loyalty on their end,
44:25but they don't give you any loyalty
44:26because that's kind of what their mother
44:27was like. She wanted to complete
44:28loyalty, but she doesn't care what your
44:29needs are. She'll put her needs first.
44:31>> Yeah.
44:31>> So, they grow up with that. That's the
44:33first thing. The second thing would be
44:35is encourage them to be as honest as
44:38possible with women even if it hurts
44:39their feelings. One of the things that
44:41we're constantly teaching men is if you
44:43hurt a woman's feelings, that's the
44:44worst thing in the world. But, the real
44:46thing is sometimes you have to hurt
44:48people to get to the truth. Yeah? So, if
44:50you're going for an operation, you have
44:51to sometimes slice in there to get to
44:53the root of the problem and remove the
44:55the cyst or whatever it is. Same thing
44:57when it comes to relationships, if we're
44:58hyper-sensitive, what will happen is
45:00people won't be truthful with us. They
45:02won't want like I'm super non-sensitive
45:04and you that's where my comes from and
45:06it hurts a lot of people. But, you're
45:07better off being like
45:09really honest with your partner. Let's
45:10say for example, it really bothers you
45:12that your partner's gained a lot of
45:13weight or he doesn't smell great before
45:14bed. You can either just not say
45:16anything and then slowly start to
45:19drift away from him or you can say,
45:20"Babe, let's both get to the gym. Let's
45:22both shower before we get into the bed.
45:23Let's do these things." Even if it might
45:25upset them, at least the truth will
45:27allow them both to stay intimate with
45:28each other. So, I would say
45:29encouragement for truth and avoid and
45:31help them stay connected to both parents
45:33really helps.
45:34>> Right. Okay, that's really good to know.
45:36How much conflict should you have in a
45:38relationship? Like how much should you
45:39be arguing and what is the you know,
45:41when you do argue, how do you solve
45:44these arguments?
45:44>> It's not about how much, it's about what
45:46you're arguing about. If you are arguing
45:49about we need to spend more time
45:50together and you both agree or you know,
45:52something that you maybe just have a few
45:53different disagreements, but that's
45:54normal. It's going to happen. But, if
45:56you're arguing because you're trying to
45:58make your partner behave and act in a
46:00way that he simply isn't. That conflict
46:03is not worth it. And same the other way
46:05around. So, what I mean by that is if
46:06you know your partner has an addiction
46:08and that addiction is not going anywhere
46:10and you keep arguing about the same
46:12thing again and again and again, you're
46:13wasting your breath. If you know your
46:15partner cheats on you and you keep
46:16trying to find evidence, you found more
46:18evidence and you're
46:19and you're not going anywhere and
46:21they're not going to stop, the argument
46:22is futile. It's pointless. So,
46:24arguments, if they're reoccurring,
46:26that's when they should stop because
46:27you've obviously learned that nobody's
46:29changing. You either accept each other
46:31for who they are or you move on. But if
46:33they're just small things that arguing
46:34like, oh,
46:36how a conflict should go is this really
46:38upset me. Oh, I didn't mean to
46:39upset you. Okay, can we work on this?
46:41Absolutely. And then it should be like
46:43that. And that might happen 100 times.
46:44But at least that's the process. But if
46:46it's your cuz most of people who are
46:48arguing in marriages are arguing about
46:50the same thing that happened before the
46:51marriage. Yeah. They just thought their
46:53partner would change. They're not going
46:55to massively. Yeah? If they do change,
46:57it's amazing. If they don't, you're
46:59wasting your breath if you keep arguing
47:00about the same thing again and again.
47:02>> How often should you argue with them
47:03about something to know if they're going
47:04to change or not?
47:05>> Um I would say that like if you have to
47:07bring it up, um it's not so much how
47:09often but if it's still after 6 months,
47:11a year, a year and a half. Give it 6
47:13months each time. If it's still coming
47:15up, accept it as a permanent issue.
47:17>> Okay.
47:17>> And that might be a permanent issue but
47:19you just have to learn to accept it cuz
47:20you're just going to drive each other or
47:21move on. Cuz you're going to drive each
47:22other crazy otherwise. Yeah.
47:24>> sense. That makes sense. I'm going to
47:25end this with cuz I could talk to you
47:26forever. But you know, I see this all
47:29the time and it's always like men that
47:30are giving this advice online. They're
47:32always saying to women, you know, this
47:34is how you get a man to fall in love
47:35with you. But how do men actually fall
47:37in love?
47:37>> They lie, by the way. So, don't listen
47:38to men.
47:39They lie they lie intensely because
47:41they'll always tell you you need to be a
47:42good woman, you need to be this, that
47:43and the other. I would say unfortunately
47:45and not fortunately unfortunately, I
47:46would say the first thing is lust. You
47:49have to tap into a man's lust if you
47:51want to start and ignite the next stages
47:53of love for him because men are so much
47:56more loyal to who they lust after than
47:57you realize. There's men out there that
47:58are going broke spending money on an
48:00OnlyFans model because they're so
48:03lustful and in love with the lust side
48:05of things. Now, one thing I realized
48:07from my work is I'm working with men
48:09across the world. Somebody might be in
48:11China, somebody might be in Dubai,
48:12somebody might be in Miami. And the one
48:14thing they all have in common is they
48:15lust after women. And it doesn't go
48:17anywhere. It It's pretty much forever.
48:19>> Wait, can that lust keep a relationship
48:21going? Like forever?
48:22>> Yeah, it can. The key is just to make
48:24sure that you keep it within yourself.
48:27Now, if you're the type of woman that
48:28says, "Why should I have to look after
48:29myself? Why should I have to give him
48:31sex? Why? I don't want to do this. I
48:32don't I completely understand." Yeah,
48:34there we don't like them after a little
48:36while, but they like us. So, what I
48:38would say is if you're going to let go
48:40of the lust side of your relationship,
48:41you're going to lose him. Either you He
48:43might stay with you as a body, but he
48:46won't be loyal to you, and he definitely
48:48won't be happy with you. He'll be
48:49resentful. So, the first thing I would
48:51say is tap into his lust. And how you
48:53tap into the lust is try and look after
48:55yourself as much as possible, but try
48:57and have intimacy as much as possible. I
48:58know it's difficult. I know. I know. I
49:00completely understand. It's just how
49:02boys are, yeah? So, try and keep that
49:04intimacy there as much as possible. The
49:06second thing, again, I I mentioned this
49:08in my book is they can lust after you
49:10and all those things, but one of the
49:11mistakes a lot of women do is they
49:13remove his labor. And what I mean by
49:14that is men have to put some labor into
49:16you in order for them to feel attached
49:18to you. If you make their life super
49:20easy, and a lot of women will say, "I
49:21don't want him to pay a single bill. I
49:23will cover the bill. I will do
49:24everything. I don't want him to have to
49:25cook. I don't want him to do this." I
49:26want
49:27The more you kind of make their life
49:28easy, you remove their natural
49:30investment in you. Men are always
49:33addicted to what they've invested in.
49:34So, even like, for example, they invest
49:36a bit in Bitcoin. They'll want the
49:38Bitcoin to do well because they put
49:39money in it. If they didn't invest
49:40anything, they don't care. It can go up
49:41and down. Like, they have no interest.
49:43Same thing with football teams or
49:44whatever. Once they've invested, they
49:45really want to see it They get become
49:47really loyal. If you remove all his
49:49investment because you're covering all
49:50the bills or you're doing everything
49:51around the house, and he's not having to
49:53lift a finger to be with you, he won't
49:55be as invested in you, and it'll be
49:56easier for him to walk away. Whereas,
49:58you will find it really difficult to
50:00walk away cuz you've invested so much.
50:02So, once you know that you've got the
50:03lesson, let him put some effort into
50:05you. And if you're scared that, "Okay,
50:07if we put some effort, he might not want
50:08to see me again." Or, "If I ask for
50:10this, he might not want to see me
50:11again." No No problem.
50:12>> ask for things?
50:13>> I struggle to ask for I shouldn't say
50:15that.
50:15>> I have a hard time asking for it.
50:17>> to ask for every woman I know that has,
50:19you know, done really well with men has
50:21no problem with asking. So, I would
50:23encourage women to do it. I just
50:25personally don't have that nature. But,
50:27I wish I did. I think it's a great
50:28nature to have. I just don't have
50:30>> what I was saying at the beginning when
50:31I said I'm trying to be in my feminine.
50:33Like, I I have my own money. I can do
50:34all my own things. And my boyfriend was
50:36like, "You know, I'm going to be
50:38spending the month in New York. You
50:39know, how much are you going to be with
50:41me here?" And I was like, "Oh, you know,
50:42I'll spend like a couple weeks with you
50:43for that month." He goes, "Okay, I'll
50:44rent us an apartment." I was like, "Oh,
50:45we can just stay at Yeah, a hotel. Like,
50:48I I have a hotel I stay at all the
50:49time." And I went night, and I laid
50:52there thinking about it. And I was like,
50:53"I should let him get an apartment."
50:55>> Yeah.
50:55>> I don't want to be in the apartment.
50:57>> Yeah, me too. I'm always worried about
50:58I'm like, "Oh, don't spend too much,
50:59babe." Or, "Don't do anything like
51:01that." But, really let them You just let
51:03them do it. Let them do it as much as
51:04possible. And I would say to men who
51:06watch this, you should be really ashamed
51:08if you have a woman that doesn't ask for
51:10a lot, so you don't give a lot. Cuz what
51:11happens to a lot of men is like, "Oh,
51:12but she never asked. But, she never
51:13asked, so I don't give it to her. She
51:14doesn't ask." But, you should reward her
51:16for her consideration. What they do
51:19instead is they reward the person who
51:20asks the most. So, they're stupid in
51:21that sense. But, doesn't matter. I would
51:23say for women, try and let them invest
51:25in you as much as possible. And the
51:27third thing I would say how men fall in
51:28love is through loyalty. Now, if they
51:30truly still got what Look, it's
51:32throughout time, of course, men can
51:34stray and all that stuff. But, if they
51:36from day one don't have any loyalty in
51:38you, they're not quite in love. Because
51:39what happens with men when they're in
51:41love is they do become more loyal than
51:43they say. You Men will say, "Oh, you
51:45know, we're not monogamous, and we don't
51:46stay You know, we can be in love with
51:48two women at the same time. But I've met
51:50so many women who knew that their
51:51partner was cheating on them simply
51:53because he stopped touching her or
51:54simply because he wouldn't be around her
51:56anymore. He was mean to her. So he was
51:58loyal just to the wrong woman, just to
52:00the other woman. So they are a lot more
52:02loyal than they realize because you'll
52:03sense by their If they weren't loyal,
52:05it's If they If that wasn't a man thing,
52:07they would be able to
52:08have to juggle two women without either
52:10of them realizing. But any woman that's
52:12experienced an unfaithful husband will
52:14tell you he became really mean. He
52:15stopped with me. He stopped doing this.
52:17He stopped doing that. So they are
52:18loyal. So if they're not being loyal to
52:21you, particularly in the beginning
52:22stages when things are good, he's
52:24probably not in love with you. Yeah? So
52:25try and look for those things. Try and
52:27look Try and remember that lust is
52:29important. Let them have labor and
52:31monitor their loyalty, particularly in
52:32the beginning. Obviously over 10, 15
52:34years or whatever it is, they're they're
52:36going to look elsewhere. That might
52:37happen. But in the beginning stages, at
52:39least look for that because if he
52:40doesn't have it in the beginning, you'll
52:41probably never have it.
52:42>> Wow, that makes so much sense. Okay, the
52:44book, the red flags. I definitely have
52:45to read the whole thing.
52:47>> Super super important. I would say look,
52:49if I had this book when I was growing up
52:51or when I became a therapist, it would
52:53have saved me and my clients so much
52:55time. So so much time. And I see so much
52:57advice that unfortunately just doesn't
52:58work, which is why I was motivated to
53:00write the book. And I so I hope it will
53:02help both men and women. It's equally
53:04for men and women and and for therapists
53:06in particular. So hopefully it will be
53:08useful.
53:08>> Awesome. Thank you. This is such a fun
53:10conversation.
53:11>> having me.
53:11>> Thanks for watching this episode of Glo
53:13Lab. If you enjoyed it, make sure you
53:15subscribe, rate and review and of course
53:16share it with a friend. That way [music]
53:17we can keep the conversation going with
53:19amazing guests.

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