"Rules for Having Kids" 🎤: Orion Levine | @orionlevine | Full Video on our Channel! — Transcript

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1. 0:00This will be quick. I'm going to say a
2. 0:00couple things about women and
3. 0:02African-Americans and get out of here.
4. 0:03>> [laughter]
5. 0:06>> A friend of mine has a rule with dating
6. 0:08women. We'll start with the women. A
7. 0:09friend of mine
8. 0:11>> [laughter]
9. 0:11>> has a rule with dating women, then we'll
10. 0:13get to you. A friend of mine
11. 0:15>> [laughter]
12. 0:16>> has this rule with dating women. He only
13. 0:18dates women who are taller than him.
14. 0:19That's a real rule my friend has. Only
15. 0:21dates women who are taller than him. I
16. 0:23couldn't believe it. I asked him why.
17. 0:24The reason is he wants tall kids. That's
18. 0:26why he does it. Totally blew my mind.
19. 0:28Changed my whole perspective on dating
20. 0:30cuz from now on I'm only dating women
21. 0:32with huge dicks.
22. 0:35Yeah. My kid's about to have a hog, all
23. 0:38right?
24. 0:39I'm about to give this kid a life I've
25. 0:41only dreamed of.
26. 0:45I am thinking about getting a kid. If
27. 0:46anyone wants to collab
28. 0:48>> [laughter]
29. 0:49>> I'd like to have a kid. And listen, I'll
30. 0:50have a kid with any woman here and I
31. 0:52mean that.
32. 0:53>> [laughter]
33. 0:54>> I'm serious. I just ask two things.
34. 0:56That's all I ask. Just two rules. That's
35. 0:58reasonable, right? Rule number one, this
36. 1:00might sound obvious, but it's a deal
37. 1:01breaker. Rule number one, you have to,
38. 1:03and I'm serious, you have to let me come
39. 1:04inside of you. That's rule number one.
40. 1:09All right? If you don't want that, I'm
41. 1:10not interested. That's just the way it
42. 1:11works. It's the circle of life. Deal
43. 1:13with it, ladies.
44. 1:14Rule number two, I'd like to adopt.
45. 1:18>> [laughter]
46. 1:23[laughter]
47. 1:24>> Those are my two rules.
48. 1:26I would like to adopt. Adoption, that's
49. 1:27the way to go, right? Cuz I view kids
50. 1:29like I view cars. If I want a new one,
51. 1:32I'm not manufacturing it myself. No, I'm
52. 1:35going to the dealership and I'm picking
53. 1:36out my favorite one based on speed and
54. 1:38color.
55. 1:42>> [laughter]
56. 1:42>> I refuse to bring another slow Jewish
57. 1:44baby into this world.
58. 1:46>> [laughter]
59. 1:47>> All right? I'm getting a Kenyan and
60. 1:48we're going to regionals.
61. 1:52That's what I want. I want a boy. I want
62. 1:54a fast boy.
63. 1:55>> [laughter]
64. 1:56>> Yes. And I don't know if that's okay to
65. 1:58prefer the gender of your own kid, but
66. 1:59that's my preference. I prefer boy. Do
67. 2:01you have a preference? You have a kid
68. 2:02today, boy or girl? What are you
69. 2:03picking?
70. 2:04>> Girl.
71. 2:05>> Girl. Yes. All right. And look, don't
72. 2:07get me wrong. I I I don't want to seem
73. 2:08like a bad guy. I I I'd have a girl if
74. 2:10she were trans, but I'd love a boy.
75. 2:12>> [laughter]