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Romantic obsession takes over when you lack meaning/purpose — Transcript

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0:00This one's going to ruffle some
0:01feathers. How
0:03an aimless life devoid of passion
0:08amplifies lirance.
0:11Oh boy, I feel it already.
0:14I feel this one because I'm like, "Oh,
0:16this is a critique of my own life, the
0:18life that was." I'm Kirby. I'm a
0:20specialist in trauma and attachment
0:21theory. I used to be a wreck. Now I'm
0:23not. That's it. I've got a multitude of
0:27videos that talk about the things I
0:29teach. Check them out. They're awesome.
0:32At least the comments seem to think
0:33they're awesome. I do one-on-one
0:35sessions and I love it greatly. It's one
0:37of my number one passions. And my top
0:39priority in everything is to protect the
0:43next generation of children from
0:46attachment trauma. And the way we do
0:49this is by helping you get your life in
0:51order. You get your attachment system in
0:53order. Okay. So on to the topic today
0:58which is the connection between limrance
1:03and life dissatisfaction,
1:06aimless,
1:07lack of passion, lack of meaning, lack
1:09of purpose,
1:11all those things. This one's pretty
1:13simple actually, but it is a hard truth
1:15to swallow for many. If I do not have
1:19something in my life that I really care
1:22about. If I wake up every day and I'm
1:25like, I'm not sure what I'm doing here.
1:28I'm not sure where I should spend my
1:29time.
1:31I don't really have anything that drives
1:33me. Well, when you have something that
1:36you that drives you or you feel
1:38passionate about or that you're you wake
1:41up in the morning and you're raring to
1:42go to just be like, I want to go make
1:46some incremental progress on this
1:48project. I want to go learn. I want to
1:51go practice. I want to go train. There's
1:53something that drives me. Like something
1:57I heard once was like, "What is the
1:59thing in your life that makes you want
2:02to jump out of bed on a cold, wet, nasty
2:06morning when you've got the flu?"
2:09Basically, you feel miserable and the
2:11day looks like crap, but you're still
2:15like,
2:17I want to get up and I want to go.
2:20That's our job. And this job is very
2:22serious.
2:24It's hard. It is super hard and I don't
2:28want to be creating sense of
2:30hopelessness in people because I know
2:32there's a lot of people out there that
2:34don't have this. They never have. They
2:35don't even know what it feels like. They
2:37don't know how to get there if they
2:38don't have it. I was like this for long
2:41time, decades. And now I'm here much to
2:44my surprise. So if we don't have that
2:48then we our mind our emotions and our
2:52body kind of fall in this state of like
2:54listlessness this ambivalent
2:58confusion about what am I supposed to do
3:01with my time? Maybe I should just go to
3:04the grocery store. Maybe I should clean
3:07the carpet. Maybe I should finish
3:10watching that Netflix series that I
3:12never finished. Right? For a lot of
3:14people, what they do in these moments
3:17when you don't have the passion that
3:20makes you want to jump out of bed is
3:22that they fill it with numbing agents.
3:25Numbing agents, oftentimes called
3:28addictions. I prefer the term numbing
3:30agent because I think it's more
3:31descriptive.
3:32Covers a wider range of behaviors. So
3:34then what are they doing? They're doom
3:37scrolling. They're shopping on Amazon.
3:40They're binge watching Korean dramas.
3:43They're like, "I don't know what to do
3:44with my time, so I'm just going to go to
3:45the gym." A lot of people out there that
3:48have they're like super fit because they
3:52didn't really have any other idea what
3:54to do with their time, so they just say,
3:55"I'm just going to go hit the gym all
3:56the time." Awesome. Of all the possible
4:00numbing agents there are, that's
4:02probably top tier. It's probably in the
4:05top 2% if not 1% really because it it
4:09there's just so many good things about
4:10it. Even though it's coming from a place
4:12of listless, aimless lack of passion, it
4:15can still be it still has like good good
4:19benefits on the nervous system. But then
4:21you got the people that are like they
4:23start there and they say, "Well, this
4:25they turn it into a passion. They say,
4:27I'm going to become a trainer. I'm going
4:29to become a nutritionist. I'm going to
4:30open my own gym. I'm gonna go do a
4:33Pilates instruction, teacher, yoga
4:36teacher training, whatever, blah blah
4:38blah. Right? They make it their passion
4:41and then they start figuring out what
4:43social media works, you know, all the
4:46different ways of shooting videos in the
4:48gym so that they like look good and they
4:49start doing this. They start creating
4:51content and the whole thing starts
4:53momentum and then it's a cold, wet,
4:57rainy morning and they feel like crap
4:59and they say, "I've got to go today. I
5:04don't feel good. I'm not motivated. I
5:06know, but this is what I do and this is
5:09what I want to do and I feel good when I
5:12achieve some small step towards my goal
5:15of being a gym influencer. Is that a
5:18word?" Now they found it. They found
5:21their passion and they're engaging in
5:23it.
5:25Started with listlessness. Started with
5:27aimless not knowing and they've turned
5:30it into something. Hooray.
5:34Congratulate yourself.
5:36That's quite an accomplishment
5:39and it does amazing things for you, your
5:42body, your mind, your emotions, and your
5:45future relationships. Now, of course, we
5:47get the people that are they can't be
5:50emotionally present in a relationship
5:52because they're so obsessed with their
5:53gym influencing. That happens. But you
5:56also get people that are just like,
5:58"This is something I like. This is
6:00something I care about. This is
6:01something I do." And they come back and
6:02they try to have a healthy relationship.
6:04But when I mentioned the title of the
6:06video, I said I said something about
6:08lirance. Okay. What's lirance? Limrance
6:11is like basically romantic obsession.
6:14I call it relationship. OCD someone
6:17mentioned one time. Maybe there's
6:18connection there. Well, there's
6:20definitely connection from attachment
6:21point of view inside my brain, but I'm
6:23like other people might see them as
6:25different. And this is why limrance is a
6:29fantasy. Limrance is a preoccupation.
6:33Limrance functions like a passion.
6:38Limrance functions like that thing that
6:43makes me want to jump out of bed on a
6:45cold, dark, dreary morning when I got
6:47the flu.
6:49It creates such a strong dopamine
6:53anticipatory
6:55chemical cocktail
6:57that I get to feel amazing
7:00when I go engage with my limited object
7:03or I go chase after that person I'm
7:05obsessing over or I, you know, call them
7:09or stalk them on Instagram or blah blah
7:11blah blah blah, right? Whatever. It
7:13feels so good. Why? because you don't
7:16have anything else. And that's what I'm
7:19getting at here. I've actually noticed
7:20this quite a few times in recent
7:22discussions with people both online,
7:24offline,
7:26in all various forms. I've noticed these
7:29people that are like really dealing with
7:31some serious lirant obsession
7:34over a person or an idea or whatever,
7:38and then they see all these videos, they
7:40think I can help them with it. I can.
7:43And then they call me up and they're
7:45just like, "How do I deal with this?"
7:48And one of the questions I ask is like,
7:49"What's the rest of your life look
7:51like?" Like, "Well, I just I'm just not
7:54good at making friends and I'm I'm just
7:56an introvert and I'm just a blah blah
7:59blah blah." And it's just a list of
8:00justifications and excuses. Now, I get
8:04it. I'm so I used to make excuses like
8:06that. So, I get that it's hard to kind
8:08of transition away from that. But at the
8:10same time, it's still an excuse. It's
8:12still a way of justifying staying where
8:16I'm at. It's like, oh, you move to a new
8:19city, country, state, whatever. You
8:22don't really have a solid friendship
8:24network. Oh, you're like, oh, I've got
8:25this best friend. When was the last time
8:26you saw your best friend? It's like, oh,
8:28three years ago. [snorts] All right.
8:30That's not fulfilling attachment needs.
8:34So, what do you do for a close
8:35attachment connection? And like, uh,
8:39you know, some people just draw a blank.
8:41Some people get a dog. Some people are,
8:44you know, they've got some friend
8:46somewhere that's kind of like casual or
8:48whatever. The point that I'm getting at
8:50is that a person comes to me talking
8:53about problems with lirance, problems
8:56with romantic obsession, problems with
8:58not being able to get over their ex,
8:59problems with like this I can't eat, I
9:02can't sleep, I just had this breakup and
9:04I can't stop thinking about them. It's
9:06like, okay, what's the rest of your life
9:08look like? And they'll go da da da da
9:10da. and they'll talk for a while. It's
9:12like so basically what you're saying is
9:13the rest of your life is extremely empty
9:16from attachment point of view. Like
9:18you're not getting any attachment needs
9:20met. You're not getting any connection,
9:22any validation, any richness of like
9:25sitting down with someone over a cup of
9:28warm beverage and joking about like
9:31like you don't have that. So what do you
9:34do? Oh, it's like doom scroll or I watch
9:36YouTube or whatever. Those are not real.
9:39Those are not any aspect of social media
9:44or video consumption.
9:47It's either numbing the need which the
9:50corporations love or it is tricking your
9:53mind into thinking you have a social
9:56connection. Somebody recently asked me
9:57about parasocial connections. This is
9:59what we're talking about. Like texts,
10:02letters on a screen in little green
10:06bubble is not a human connection. That
10:11is pixels behind a sheet of glass that
10:16have we have attached certain semantic
10:19meaning to. So our brain interprets that
10:22and then it ball balloons that out into
10:25a big set of meaning which will then
10:28trick us into thinking we've got a
10:30connection with that person. Would not
10:32recommend. Did that for a while. Did
10:35that for a long while kind of when
10:36social media was first getting going and
10:38I first had a smartphone all that kind
10:39of stuff. And sometime year two years
10:43later, I realized that like my actual
10:46social life was completely empty. And
10:49all of it was through this like false
10:52medium of like texting back and forth
10:54and everything else. And people say,
10:55"Well, if I feel it, it's real, right?"
10:58No, actually feelings can be tricked.
11:02Now, what you're feeling, there is some
11:04aspect to emotions are real and emotions
11:07don't lie. So if you're feeling a sense
11:10of connection, you're not actually
11:11feeling a connection with that person.
11:13You're feeling a connection with the
11:14idea of that person. And because that
11:16person is not actually here with you in
11:19their totality of who they are, then you
11:22are in relation with a faximile.
11:26It's called a working model. Like I've
11:27created basically a simulation of their
11:29personality inside my brain. And now I
11:31interact with that person that
11:33simulation.
11:35And that's why people will be in these
11:37long-distance relationships for like
11:38years and years and then they finally
11:40meet and the relationship like instantly
11:41blows up. You know, they just have some
11:44mad sex or like, "Oh my god, we're
11:45finally together." Da d d d d d d d d d
11:46d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d
11:46d d d d d d d d d d d d and then you
11:48know first sign of conflict that's just
11:50like
11:52not always but often enough that we can
11:54talk about it and everybody knows what
11:56mean. So lirance is functioning like a
11:58passion and an addiction at the same
12:00time. Well, is there really a difference
12:03between a passion and addiction?
12:06Yes, but only in the conceptual sense.
12:11From a physiological biological sense,
12:13maybe not. But we can say just like the
12:16gym analogy earlier, like if you engage
12:20in this thing with a kind of an
12:22obsessive addictive passion and it
12:25consistently brings benefit to your
12:27life, then why not? Are we going to call
12:30it addiction? We're going to call it
12:31passion. Who cares? Like you're getting
12:33benefit from it consistently.
12:37Stick with it. Do that. But lirance is
12:39not that.
12:41Limrance has this dark downside.
12:45Romantic obsession has this downside.
12:49All the things that have to do with
12:50being hung up, stuck, fixated, whatever,
12:55or a person that doesn't want you or is
12:57gone or whatever. like that has serious
13:03negative cost.
13:05So, we're not going to say that's a good
13:06thing. So, now that's out of the way, we
13:09can say lirance is not a good thing.
13:11It's functioning as an addiction. And
13:14one of the reasons it's so powerful is
13:16because that part of me inside that's
13:20hungry for connection is
13:23in this giant open
13:26cavern of emptiness.
13:29Because I'm in a giant cavern of
13:30emptiness,
13:32one little person walks in with a little
13:34candle and my system says, "There it is.
13:38That's my salvation.
13:40This is where I'm going to put all my
13:41energy. This will be the passion in
13:44which I will pursue it because there's
13:48nothing else in here or what is is very
13:51weak. But now let's take same you
13:56similar situation
13:58but we're going to fill the cavern with
14:01salsa class and the cooking club and the
14:05mystery dinner theater that you meet up
14:07with those guys once a month and the
14:10rowing team and the you know mogi
14:13challenge where you're picking up rocks
14:15and you're carrying it six meters
14:17underwater like you fill your life with
14:21these other things that involve people.
14:25They involve cognitive challenge,
14:29physical challenge, and probably
14:30emotional challenge just because you're
14:32going to run into people you don't like.
14:34Now, we're going to fill the cavern. We
14:36don't have to fill it. We just give it
14:38like, you know, head level of people,
14:43places, things, interactions,
14:45stuff, opportunities.
14:48you there's a event over here that you
14:50there's 30 people that you see every
14:52week and another 30 people that are new
14:55every week and there's so there's
14:56constant cycle through and it's like oh
14:58hi who are you what's your story why are
15:00you here hey you want to dance salsa
15:02like if that's in your life you're
15:05filling up your cavern you got a dinner
15:08you know cooking class over here where
15:09you're learning how to cook you know
15:11Asian stir fry you know 20 different
15:14ways that class has other people in it
15:17as a teacher as you know spilling the
15:21bottle of oil and it flows across the
15:23counter and people are working together
15:25like get it all cleaned up. That's a
15:27real social engagement. And believe it
15:31or not, that fills this empty cavern or
15:34the cavern that was empty is now filling
15:36up with people and places and things and
15:38everything else. And then that person
15:40comes walking in with their candle, your
15:42lirant object. And it is not as
15:45powerful. It is not as radiant. It is
15:48not as overwhelming because you're like,
15:50"Oh, I've got other things. I've got
15:53other people. I don't need that one for
15:57salvation. I do not need that one for
15:59safety. I do not need that one to
16:02finally get my needs for wanted, chosen,
16:04and prioritized filled." And then the
16:08lirance is less or non-existent. Usually
16:12if I live in a world where I believe
16:17I'm unwanted, I believe I'm
16:19unattractive. I believe that no one will
16:22like me or choose me as so many people
16:26believe. And then one person shows up.
16:29That's the thing about limiting objects.
16:31They almost never choose you. They're
16:33just the fantasy of being chosen by
16:36them. But if I'm living in this world
16:38where I feel like I'm not going to get
16:41anybody that I want or the kind of
16:44people that I like don't like me back or
16:46whatever,
16:48then you pick this person. Maybe, you
16:52know, maybe they're just some fantasy on
16:53TV and then your system starts to obsess
16:56about them. What is it actually doing?
16:58It's not about them. It's literally it's
17:00not about them at all.
17:02It's about while I'm in the lirant
17:05fantasy, I get to dream. I get to
17:08fantasize. I get to play out these
17:10little scenarios in my mind about what
17:13it would feel like to be chosen
17:16completely by someone who's that
17:19valuable.
17:21And that creates really really strong
17:24endogenous chemical states. Meaning big
17:28powerful chemical cocktail squirts out
17:30of various things, organs inside my
17:34brain and other bits. Squirts out all
17:37these chemicals and those chemicals come
17:38along and hit various parts of the brain
17:40and they lock into the neuro receptors
17:42and they stimulate them all with like
17:44happy, pleasure, joy, feelings. And the
17:47person's like, "Oh my god, this feels so
17:49amazing. I did all that because your
17:52cavern is empty. Now, it's still
17:55possible to have friends and family and
17:58connections and everything else and
18:00still have problems with limrant
18:02obsession. I've definitely met people
18:04that fit into this category. But if you
18:07look at if you do an investigation and
18:09you scrutinize the quality of the
18:12various relationships in their life, you
18:13realize that they're all empty. They're
18:15flat, shallow, maybe that's the better
18:18word. They are lowrisk,
18:20low investment relationships.
18:23Yeah, I see Bobby every week. I go to
18:25the climbing gym. Yeah, he's like one of
18:28my best friends. Do you know Bobby's
18:30last name? Yeah, sure. It's like Jordan
18:33Freud. Yeah. You don't know Bobby's last
18:35name? Do you know the name of Bobby's
18:37wife? Um,
18:41do you know can you name one thing that
18:45Bobby is afraid of? No. Why would I know
18:48that? Yeah, that's a that's an empty
18:51relationship. That's something that's a
18:53that's an acquaintance. That's someone
18:55you do things with, which is cool, but
18:59don't go believing that that's any kind
19:01of deep relationship. Quantity of
19:04frequency of seeing someone has no
19:06impact on the depth of that
19:08relationship. You see your co-workers
19:10every day for like 10 years and you
19:14don't know jack about them. That's how I
19:16lived for a long time. So I'm giving all
19:18these examples when I pretty much
19:19already made my point. And the point is
19:21this that like if you are operating a
19:25life that is devoid of passion, devoid
19:28of purpose, meaning something that
19:30you're pursuing that is filling your
19:33life with a drive and a passion and then
19:37in the process connecting with lots of
19:39people along the way. Then you're more
19:43prone to romantic obsession, limit
19:47fantasies, and breakup distress.
19:50Okay, great Kirby. Well, that sucks
19:53because I don't have any meaning or
19:54purpose in my life and I don't know what
19:56to do about it. How does one find
19:59meaning and purpose? Good question. I
20:02asked the same thing for years and years
20:03and years. And this simple answer that
20:07one teacher told me was like, well then
20:09that is your meaning of purpose. your
20:11meaning and purpose. The thing that you
20:13want to jump out of bed on the cold,
20:16wet, dreary morning is to go find your
20:20meaning and purpose. Go find something
20:22you care about and don't let it be
20:24anything that's a numbing agent. Okay.
20:26Well, people hear that and say like,
20:28"Well, okay. So, how do I do that? I'm
20:31just supposed to wander around the world
20:32until I find something." Turns out
20:34that's pretty close. But my more
20:37specific advice on that is that it's
20:39like here's your job and you do it like
20:45your life depends on it because it turns
20:47out it does. And your job is every
20:49single week you need to do something
20:51new, some new experience, a new event, a
20:55new task. And the requirement is it has
20:59to involve other people. It is better if
21:02there's a shared goal like building a
21:05house or serving food or you know a
21:08dancing fits like it's like can we get
21:10through the dance without stepping on
21:11each other's toes. So it has to involve
21:14other people that you actually interact
21:16with.
21:17It's better if there's a shared purpose.
21:20It has to be mentally emotionally and
21:24physically taxing. Let's do make it
21:26easy. We'll do two out of three. So
21:29emotionally and physical. emotional,
21:31mental, or mental and physical. So, it
21:33has to pick two of those three, meaning
21:36it has to be hard,
21:39challenging, and you get bonus points if
21:43going there feels scary because that's
21:46going to pay off in good ways, too.
21:47That's increasing your capacities for
21:49stress across all domains, which is a
21:51great great thing that we do. So, that's
21:53it. Every week, you plan it ahead of
21:56time. Like you hear this video and if
21:59you're serious about it, you'll you will
22:00go out there and you will get it planned
22:02out and you'll have three months. That's
22:0512 events. You're gonna have 12 events
22:08in your life that you're just going to
22:09be like, I don't know what the hell this
22:12is all about, but this crazy random guy
22:14on the internet told me I should do
22:15this. And so I'm going to a basket
22:17weaving class.
22:19And I'm like, I don't know what I would
22:22ever use basket weaving for. Does not
22:25matter. You don't have to like it. You
22:28don't have to. Doesn't have to fit with
22:31any aspect of who you think you are. It
22:33just has to be new, different, and
22:35involve people and some kind of
22:37challenge. So, it's like, oh, picking up
22:40trash or yeah, basket weaving, dancing
22:43class, you know, going to some class on
22:4715th century like French poetry. You're
22:50like, why am I here? It's like you're
22:52here because it's different. You're here
22:54because there's other people there and
22:56they're speaking French and your brain's
22:57going to be cooked. Good. That's exactly
23:00what you want. Why?
23:03Because every experience you do has an
23:07opportunity has will have many
23:09opportunities involved with it where you
23:11find something. You discover something
23:13about yourself. You're like, "Wow,
23:16that sounds really cool. I had no idea I
23:18liked French poetry. I don't even speak
23:20French, but I love the way it sounds."
23:22And then pretty soon you're interested
23:24and pretty soon you're watching YouTube
23:26videos and pretty soon you're doing this
23:27and this and this and this and then you
23:29know before you know it you're like
23:31traveling to France on some kind of you
23:33know cultural exploration trip and then
23:36you meet someone else that's doing the
23:38same thing and like oh my god we're
23:39totally aligned. Do you want to walk for
23:40together for a while?
23:43You know year and a half later you're
23:45making babies. It can happen. So we do
23:48the new things one to create the
23:50opportunity for us to expand
23:53into unknown territory. So we learn
23:55about things we like, things we don't
23:57like. And then it is also on the other
24:00side, it is the challenge of pushing
24:03myself into the unknown. Because the
24:05more unknowns you push yourself into,
24:07the less unknown it feels. The less
24:10unknown it is. You're like, "Oh, well, I
24:13did the French 15th century po French
24:16poetry class. Now I'm doing the 13th
24:18century Viking sonnet class." And you
24:21know what? They're kind of the same. And
24:24you're like, "Well, that's kind of wild.
24:26It doesn't It's like I've been here,
24:27done this, and you only have to go once.
24:30I mean, twice if you like it." Uh,
24:33actually, twice. If it's challenging and
24:35you're really up for it, then you go
24:37twice. And if you like it, then you go
24:39three times. So, this does not guarantee
24:42you will find your passion. I wish it
24:45did. But you know what it does? It fills
24:47up your time. It fills up your cavern.
24:51It connects you with lots of people.
24:53Suddenly, you're doing all sorts of
24:54crazy and you're just like, "Whoa,
24:56what's happening in my life? Why am I
24:58here? What's happening? I'm on trips or
25:01engaged in activities or weaving baskets
25:04or whatever that I never thought I would
25:05do."
25:07And look at me go. And then you take a
25:10moment and you think back on to that
25:12person that you were like romantically
25:13liantly obsessed over and the obsession
25:16is less. And that's very consistent.
25:20Not always, but very consistent. You
25:23fill your life with other stuff, and the
25:25pain and misery you feel for lirant
25:28romantic obsession decreases.
25:31And eventually, if you're reading
25:33between the lines and following along,
25:36you realize that all those emotions
25:38about that person you were deliberately
25:39obsessed over were just filler.
25:43It was never real to begin with. In
25:45fact, no aspect of it was real. It was
25:47just your brain being like, "I'm
25:50starving. Give me something
25:53and then it picks the judge Judy or
25:56whatever, whoever your obsession is. It
25:59just picks one and then obsesses over
26:02it." So, it's got something to do with
26:04its time. Yeah. Try it out.
26:08Leave comments. Tell us how it goes. In
26:12fact, if you want accountability, come
26:14right here. Post a comment down there.
26:17Say, "Day one, week one, I'm doing
26:20this."
26:21And then respond to that comment. Week
26:23two, week three, week four. Tell us what
26:25you're doing. We're going to have little
26:27contests about who's doing the wackiest
26:29as part of this challenge. And
26:33I don't know, we'll have a vote or
26:34something. And if one of them seriously
26:37impresses me, I don't know, we'll do
26:38something. We'll celebrate in some way,
26:41give you some free stuff or something.
26:44But you got to impress me. And I've done
26:46some crazy stuff in my life. So, it's
26:48going to take a lot to impress me. But
26:50I've been impressed before. I've met
26:52people that like day one, step one, they
26:56go hard. And I'm like, "Oh my god, I
26:59wouldn't do I I don't have the courage
27:01to do do what you just did." Congrats,
27:03man. So, it happens.
27:07Do it.
27:09Peace.

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