YouTube transcript (r9uYu8_cISw) — Transcript

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1. 0:00We're going to talk about emotions in a
2. 0:01way that I think you've probably never
3. 0:04heard them in your life described about.
4. 0:06But if you've studied neuroscience and
5. 0:08then like hypnosis and interrogation,
6. 0:10then you might have thought about what
7. 0:12we're going to talk about tonight.
8. 0:13Something tells me that's a rare thing.
9. 0:15The one thing I want to say about
10. 0:17emotions is that they do not have an
11. 0:19expiration date.
12. 0:20>> [music]
13. 0:21>> They will never in your life work
14. 0:23themselves out. If you didn't process
15. 0:25it, you're still paying for it. Like
16. 0:28right now, tonight, while you're sitting
17. 0:29here. So your nervous system is running
18. 0:31an open tab, and that's kind of how I
19. 0:34view a lot of these things. Just these
20. 0:36tabs that are open.
21. 0:38So every emotion that maybe you choked
22. 0:40it down instead of feeling it,
23. 0:43every bit of grief that you skipped
24. 0:45over, every rage that you maybe smiled
25. 0:47through, every time you said like I'm
26. 0:49fine [music] and your chest was on fire.
27. 0:52All of that goes somewhere. [music]
28. 0:54It went somewhere. And wherever it went,
29. 0:58it started occurring interest.
30. 1:03So the thesis for tonight, every
31. 1:05unprocessed emotion becomes a line of
32. 1:09credit that your nervous system is
33. 1:12silently paying interest on. This thing
34. 1:15that we all call personality is usually
35. 1:18just a collection of unpaid invoices
36. 1:22from childhood. So the title of
37. 1:24tonight's lecture is emotional debt.
38. 1:28>> [music]
39. 1:40>> So if you think like, oh I'm just an
40. 1:42impatient person, that's not a
41. 1:43temperament that you have. That's a bill
42. 1:46you haven't paid. Your need to stay busy
43. 1:48all the time isn't because you're
44. 1:50ambitious. It's a payment you're making
45. 1:52on something. And maybe you can't sit in
46. 1:54silence.
47. 1:55And we think, oh that's just a
48. 1:57preference that I have. That's an
49. 1:58avoidance of a creditor somewhere.
50. 2:00[music]
51. 2:01But let me give you the biology of this
52. 2:03first so it doesn't sound like a yoga
53. 2:05retreat. Let's go deeper into this
54. 2:07stuff. When something emotionally
55. 2:09significant happens in your life,
56. 2:12and and your your system doesn't get to
57. 2:15complete that response,
58. 2:18the charge of that emotion doesn't
59. 2:20disappear or fade off. It gets stored
60. 2:22[music] somewhere.
61. 2:25And specifically, it stays lodged in a
62. 2:28lot of these things called subcortical
63. 2:31structures.
64. 2:32This is the amygdala, the insula, the
65. 2:35brainstem, the body itself. The body is
66. 2:38subcortical if you just take a look at
67. 2:40anatomy.
68. 2:41But they're not stored as memory. That's
69. 2:43the one big mistake I think a lot of
70. 2:45people make. They're not stored as
71. 2:47memory. They're stored as a state.
72. 2:50>> [music]
73. 2:51>> This is the part that people miss.
74. 2:53That when somebody has trauma, they're
75. 2:55not remembering something. They're not
76. 2:57remembering some unprocessed emotion.
77. 2:59This is re-entering them. And that's a
78. 3:02huge difference, remembering versus
79. 3:03re-entering. That's when you can be when
80. 3:05you can be 45 years old, sitting in a
81. 3:08boardroom meeting somewhere, somebody
82. 3:10raises their voice just a little bit,
83. 3:12and then you're not 45 anymore. You're
84. 3:14seven, and you don't know why your hands
85. 3:17are shaking.
86. 3:19This not like I got triggered in the way
87. 3:22that people about on TikTok.
88. 3:24It's your nervous system replaying an
89. 3:26incomplete response because it never got
90. 3:29to finish.
91. 3:34So here's how it actually works. Here's
92. 3:35the real biology of this
93. 3:38in a way that I've never in my life seen
94. 3:40anyone explain any of this stuff, and I
95. 3:41wish I had 20 years ago. So when a
96. 3:44threat or some kind of emotional event
97. 3:47happens, our autonomic nervous system
98. 3:50mobilizes this response. You've heard
99. 3:53the list before. It's fight and flight
100. 3:55and freeze and fawn, friend, whatever
101. 3:58you want to call it. If the response
102. 3:59completes, if you fight and then you
103. 4:02win, if you run and you escape, if you
104. 4:05cry and somebody rescues you [music] or
105. 4:08holds you,
106. 4:09the charge dissipates.
107. 4:12So the system goes back to baseline. It
108. 4:13files the event as boom, that's been
109. 4:16resolved. Done. But if the response gets
110. 4:19interrupted, so if you can't fight
111. 4:22because you're a child, if you can't run
112. 4:24because it's your home and that's your
113. 4:27spouse that's doing the traumatizing. If
114. 4:29you can't cry because crying gets
115. 4:32punished in in your house, the
116. 4:34mobilization doesn't ever
117. 4:36>> [music]
118. 4:36>> complete. So in the energy that was that
119. 4:39was mobilized, like all these resources
120. 4:41that got spun up, they have to go
121. 4:43somewhere.
122. 4:44So it gets locked into the body.
123. 4:47Maybe it's a bunch of tight shoulders or
124. 4:49chronic jaw pain or stomach problems
125. 4:52that you've been to 50 doctors to try to
126. 4:54figure out, and nobody knows what's
127. 4:56going on with your stomach. So it's just
128. 4:59kind of this little baseline hum
129. 5:02of anxiety that's been there so long
130. 5:05that you think it's how you are. We call
131. 5:08it personality when it's just storage.
132. 5:10There's storage happening.
133. 5:12There's this guy named Peter Levine. He
134. 5:15created this thing called somatic
135. 5:16experiencing, and it showed this decades
136. 5:19ago. And this other guy, his name is
137. 5:21Bessel van der Kolk.
138. 5:23He did a bunch of actual research
139. 5:26[music]
140. 5:27that confirmed a lot of this stuff. So
141. 5:30the brain's primary number one job is
142. 5:33predicting what's going to happen next.
143. 5:35So if an emotional event just goes
144. 5:37throughout my life and it's unresolved,
145. 5:40the brain starts scanning You think it's
146. 5:42doing that to heal? No. It's doing that
147. 5:44to prevent. That's it's a prevention
148. 5:46mechanism. So it builds this
149. 5:48architecture in your brain to avoid some
150. 5:51things. Don't get close to people like
151. 5:54that. Don't say things like that. Don't
152. 5:57feel things like that. Don't be in a
153. 5:58room like that. [music] And over time,
154. 6:02those micro-avoidances become your
155. 6:04entire life.
156. 6:06So we say like, oh you need to step out
157. 6:08of your comfort zone. You don't have a
158. 6:09comfort zone. What you call a comfort
159. 6:12zone is this perimeter around your
160. 6:14nervous system that's built around the
161. 6:16things that it couldn't finish
162. 6:17processing.
163. 6:19That's it.
164. 6:20That's your comfort zone. So and what
165. 6:22happens to debt over time?
166. 6:24It compounds. So now I have compounding
167. 6:27debt.
168. 6:28And what we're looking at, this isn't a
169. 6:30metaphor anymore. This is the math that
170. 6:32your body does. This is real. And four
171. 6:34things happen neurologically when
172. 6:36emotional debt accumulates. I promised
173. 6:38you biology, here it is.
174. 6:41Number one, you have this thing called
175. 6:43the amygdala. This is a big emotion
176. 6:45center, but it becomes hypersensitized.
177. 6:48If I have several events happen, the
178. 6:51threshold for activation for the next
179. 6:53event can trigger my amygdala even
180. 6:56easier the next time. Especially if it's
181. 6:58within like 90 days. So it takes less
182. 7:00and less over time to set you off.
183. 7:03So you used to be able to to handle
184. 7:05criticism, and now just a little
185. 7:07somebody's tone is a little bit off and
186. 7:09it ruins your day. And you think to
187. 7:11yourself like, well man, I'm getting
188. 7:12weaker.
189. 7:14That's not weakness.
190. 7:15You're accumulating interest. That's all
191. 7:17that's happening.
192. 7:19So the second thing that happens is
193. 7:21prefrontal cortex starts losing ground.
194. 7:25It starts losing its ability to dictate
195. 7:26what's going on, to think. This is our
196. 7:29executive function, our planning,
197. 7:30reasoning, impulse control, perspective.
198. 7:34And you see chronic emotional activation
199. 7:37literally reduces prefrontal cortex
200. 7:39engagement. So the amygdala starts
201. 7:41running more and more of the show. So
202. 7:44you become more reactive, less
203. 7:47reflective,
204. 7:49more impulsive,
205. 7:50and less patient. You're paying compound
206. 7:53interest on a debt that you just [music]
207. 7:55didn't know you had.
208. 7:56So the third piece, this is something
209. 7:58called the HPA axis. This thing stays
210. 8:01activated. So HPA stands for
211. 8:03hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal
212. 8:06axis. Your stress response system is
213. 8:09what this thing basically is. So when
214. 8:11emotional debt accumulates, [music]
215. 8:13cortisol stays elevated. And what you're
216. 8:15thinking might be crisis, it's not a
217. 8:17crisis way. It's in a background hum
218. 8:20kind of way. So chronically elevated
219. 8:22cortisol suppresses what? The first
220. 8:25thing that it shuts off. Immune system
221. 8:27function. Second thing is your the
222. 8:30architecture of your sleep, the quality
223. 8:31of your sleep. The third thing is your
224. 8:33ability to consolidate memories. Fourth
225. 8:36is it increases what's called visceral
226. 8:39fat storage, which automatically, as a
227. 8:42cascade, accelerates something that
228. 8:45scientists call cellular aging. It's a
229. 8:47fun word for dying. That's your body
230. 8:50paying the bill. When you have emotional
231. 8:52debt, it doesn't just make you feel like
232. 8:54it ages you. It makes you sick, and it
233. 8:57kills you probably, I would say, at the
234. 9:00same speed as cigarettes.
235. 9:02And there's the fourth thing that
236. 9:03happens here. This debt doesn't act like
237. 9:06a financial debt.
238. 9:07>> [music]
239. 9:07>> Now the debt starts turning into a
240. 9:09recruiting agent. Unprocessed emotions
241. 9:12don't stay isolated. They start pulling
242. 9:15other systems into the payment plan.
243. 9:19They're going to get co-signers on the
244. 9:21loans. They need more payment.
245. 9:24So your relationships become
246. 9:28debt servicing arrangements.
247. 9:31Your career becomes a distraction
248. 9:34strategy.
249. 9:35And what about all the habits that you
250. 9:36have? They're interest [music] payments.
251. 9:39The collateral?
252. 9:41It's your identity.
253. 9:42So everything starts organizing around
254. 9:45the debt. And from the outside,
255. 9:48and even in the mirror,
256. 9:49it just looks like, oh that's me. That's
257. 9:51just how that person is. That's just
258. 9:53their personality. That is a nervous
259. 9:56system drowning in a load of compound
260. 9:58interest and building an entire life
261. 10:00around staying one just one payment
262. 10:04ahead.
263. 10:08Now we get into servicing [music] the
264. 10:10debt. How do we service the debt?
265. 10:14So if emotional debt is a compounding
266. 10:16thing, the system needs a way to manage
267. 10:20all these payments. So it can't process
268. 10:23the original emotions, right? That
269. 10:25window kind of closed. Debt servicing
270. 10:28never reduces what you owe. It just
271. 10:31keeps you from defaulting today. This is
272. 10:34the most common payment plan on earth is
273. 10:38numbing some kind of anesthetic for for
274. 10:41what's going on in my life. Alcohol,
275. 10:43[music] weed, scrolling, pull
276. 10:47food, shopping, binge-watching TV shows.
277. 10:51If you're very very honest, we're not
278. 10:53doing those things cuz we really deeply
279. 10:55enjoy them. We do it because feeling
280. 10:58nothing is cheaper than feeling
281. 11:01everything that we owe, than thinking
282. 11:03about the debt. And the thing about
283. 11:05numbing, it works.
284. 11:08It works, and that's why it's so hard to
285. 11:11stop.
286. 11:13And everybody thinks man, I wish I had
287. 11:15some more discipline in my life, then
288. 11:17I'd be able to stop the
289. 11:19but be able to stop smoking crack. It's
290. 11:21not discipline. It's a successful
291. 11:24short-term debt management strategy. The
292. 11:27debt is patient like every debtor,
293. 11:29right? Is patient. They wait for the
294. 11:32vacation that you can't enjoy, the
295. 11:34retirement that you will never sit still
296. 11:37in
297. 11:37or feel any kind of purpose in.
298. 11:40The weekend that's going to fill you
299. 11:42with absolute dread instead of the rest
300. 11:45that it's supposed to fill you with.
301. 11:47That's the bill.
302. 11:49The next most popular thing is
303. 11:51performing.
304. 11:53And these people become the funniest
305. 11:55person in the room, the most charming,
306. 11:57the most helpful, the caretaker, the
307. 12:00most agreeable, the most fine. So when
308. 12:04we see a lot of performance, that's
309. 12:05servicing a debt. And I want you to view
310. 12:07this as both like this is how you can
311. 12:08change your own life, but this is also
312. 12:10how you can profile people that you
313. 12:12speak to every day. Everyone's servicing
314. 12:14debt.
315. 12:15Loneliness.
316. 12:17Massive like 27% APR loneliness. And
317. 12:21it's not the loneliness where nobody's
318. 12:23near me, nobody's around me. I'm at home
319. 12:25with my cats and This is a time where
320. 12:28everyone's around you and no one knows
321. 12:31you. Not one person truly knows who you
322. 12:35are. That's the most expensive
323. 12:37loneliness that you could ever
324. 12:38experience. So they think that that edge
325. 12:40is like some anxiety from their life.
326. 12:42The edge is what? Now that you know,
327. 12:45it's debt.
328. 12:48The substance is the only payment method
329. 12:51that they found that works fast enough
330. 12:53to keep them functional. So
331. 12:54>> [music]
332. 12:55>> self-medicating is also about speed.
333. 12:57Speed to normal. If you take the
334. 12:59substance away without addressing the
335. 13:01debt, you're not going to get somebody
336. 13:03that's like recovering or anything
337. 13:04[music] like that. You get a person
338. 13:06drowning that has nothing to hold on to.
339. 13:09Why is like 90%
340. 13:11of addiction treatment fail?
341. 13:13It confiscates [music] the payment
342. 13:15method without acknowledging the debt.
343. 13:20And then there's the relational version
344. 13:22of debt servicing that everybody
345. 13:23mistakes for love. The person who can't
346. 13:26stop giving in relationships, they
347. 13:28overfunction. I'm going to anticipate
348. 13:30every single need that I possibly can.
349. 13:32They're going to sacrifice, they bend
350. 13:33over backwards, and they're like, this
351. 13:35what I'm doing right now, that's love.
352. 13:38That's just debt servicing. But they're
353. 13:40thinking like if I'm really needed by
354. 13:42somebody, if I can make myself so
355. 13:45necessary, you're not attracting into
356. 13:48your life what you want. You're
357. 13:50attracting what your nervous system
358. 13:51recognizes, [music]
359. 13:53whatever it grew up with. If love came
360. 13:55with anxiety, you're going to feel most
361. 13:57alive around people who make you
362. 14:00anxious. If being like close to another
363. 14:03human came [music] with control, then
364. 14:06you're going to feel safe with people
365. 14:08who dominate you. If you were 8 years
366. 14:11old and love or affection or
367. 14:13appreciation came with [music]
368. 14:14conditions,
369. 14:16you're going to grow up feeling that the
370. 14:18only love that's real is the kind that
371. 14:21you have to earn. You're going to walk
372. 14:22past the person who offers you peace.
373. 14:27Trauma is an event, an event [music]
374. 14:31that breaks through my system's capacity
375. 14:33to cope with it and finalize a little
376. 14:35loop. That's all it is. You can point to
377. 14:39it. You can name it. Clinicians can give
378. 14:41it a ICD-10 code or a DSM code from the
379. 14:46psych manual.
380. 14:48Emotional debt is an accumulation, is
381. 14:51not an event. A thousand probably small
382. 14:54moments where something was felt and not
383. 14:58finished. You needed to be angry or you
384. 15:01needed to kind of vent and you learned
385. 15:02it wasn't safe.
386. 15:06You were six and you had to grieve
387. 15:08something and somebody forced you to
388. 15:09[music] be strong, to look strong. Times
389. 15:12you needed to be a child and your
390. 15:14parents made you be [music] the adult.
391. 15:16They ruin your life worse than PTSD
392. 15:19and none of them are trauma in [music] a
393. 15:21clinical sense, but all of them created
394. 15:23debt.
395. 15:25And I'm not trying to blame your parents
396. 15:26for anything. They probably did their
397. 15:27best [music] as most of ours did. Why
398. 15:30did your parents do this to you? Cuz
399. 15:32they were in debt also, big time.
400. 15:34[music] They can't give you something
401. 15:36that they never got. So they passed the
402. 15:39balance of their debt forward
403. 15:41>> [music]
404. 15:41>> without knowing it. And now all that's
405. 15:43in your account. Financial systems have
406. 15:45this
407. 15:46There's a point where the payments can
408. 15:48no longer cover the interest and the
409. 15:50structure collapses, right? That's
410. 15:52bankruptcy.
411. 15:53So emotional systems have the exact same
412. 15:55threshold
413. 15:57and when you hit it, the results are
414. 15:59very predictable.
415. 16:01You have a breakdown, you have a a
416. 16:03health crisis, your identity collapses.
417. 16:05Sometimes all three of these things
418. 16:06happen at one time.
419. 16:11Everything that works to resolve
420. 16:13emotional debt, therapy, somatic work,
421. 16:18TRE, trauma releasing exercises,
422. 16:20psychedelics, breath work, [music]
423. 16:22meditation, maybe just one of those
424. 16:24seminars where you like stare people in
425. 16:26the eye and never speak to them and it's
426. 16:27like [music] some a little culty, they
427. 16:29all share one active ingredient. It's
428. 16:32perspective.
429. 16:35Not perspective like you have to look on
430. 16:37the bright side of things. And I also
431. 16:39don't mean it's perspective like other
432. 16:42people have it worse than you. That's
433. 16:44not perspective by the way. That's
434. 16:46comparison and contrast wearing like a
435. 16:48little self-help costume. I'm talking
436. 16:51about perspective as a mechanical shift
437. 16:54in vantage point. Meditation, DMT,
438. 16:58mushrooms, LSD, MDMA, perspective shift.
439. 17:01Cognitive behavioral therapy, really
440. 17:03really long long time, but at the end of
441. 17:06it there's some perspective shift that
442. 17:08happens.
443. 17:09But that single shift, the shift in
444. 17:11perspective is the how of how emotional
445. 17:15debt gets processed. And I will go out
446. 17:17on a limb and say that it's every time
447. 17:20and there is no exception. There is zero
448. 17:23exception to this.
449. 17:25Think about what happens in therapy when
450. 17:27it actually works. It's not the advice.
451. 17:30Even therapists will tell you this. It's
452. 17:33not the diagnosis that they get. It's a
453. 17:35moment [music] where you say something
454. 17:37out loud and hear it from outside of
455. 17:39yourself for the first time. You've been
456. 17:42living inside of a story for maybe 30
457. 17:44years and and suddenly you're looking at
458. 17:46the story instead of from inside of it.
459. 17:49From above.
460. 17:51Your debt actively prevents you from
461. 17:55gaining the one thing that could resolve
462. 17:58it. The avoidance, numbing, busyness,
463. 18:01whatever you want to call it,
464. 18:03caretaking, none of it should is random.
465. 18:05It's a defense mechanism against what?
466. 18:08Perspective.
467. 18:13Telling somebody in a massive emotional
468. 18:15debt to just feel your feelings. Imagine
469. 18:18one of your friends comes to you and it
470. 18:20calls you and it's like, hey dude, I
471. 18:21just found out I'm $400,000 in debt. And
472. 18:24your advice to your friend is, well,
473. 18:26just start saving. Then you're a
474. 18:28right? It's technically correct and
475. 18:30absolutely useless. So what actually
476. 18:33works here is a series of perspective
477. 18:35shifts.
478. 18:39Step one is to see the payments. From
479. 18:42unconscious to conscious, most people
480. 18:44that are in emotional debt, they don't
481. 18:46know they're in debt. They think they're
482. 18:47just tired or they're stressed or I'm
483. 18:49getting older or that's how life is. The
484. 18:52first move is learning to see the
485. 18:54pattern. If you react
486. 18:55disproportionately, that's [music] debt.
487. 18:57That's the first big big thing that you
488. 19:00need to become aware of. When you avoid
489. 19:03specific feelings with predictable
490. 19:05behaviors, that's debt. Every time. If
491. 19:09rest feels dangerous, that's debt. When
492. 19:12you can't be alone in silence without
493. 19:14reaching for something, that's debt.
494. 19:16When your body has like weird tension in
495. 19:18it and like weird where you feel like
496. 19:21all the time like you've got to go get a
497. 19:23massage, but that has no physical
498. 19:25explanation, that's debt. So you don't
499. 19:27have to know the original event. That's
500. 19:29the good news here. You don't you don't
501. 19:31even have to know what the hell
502. 19:32happened. You could have amnesia for
503. 19:33your whole childhood, you'd still be
504. 19:35fine. You only have to see the payments
505. 19:37that you're making. That's the first
506. 19:39shift, from inside the pattern to
507. 19:41slightly above it, even if it's an inch
508. 19:44above it.
509. 19:47The second step is to name your debt
510. 19:49servicing behavior. This is the second
511. 19:52shift. so from embedded to observing.
512. 19:54So, everybody has a go-to. So, what is
513. 19:56your debt servicing behavior?
514. 19:59Numming, anesthetic, overworking,
515. 20:03performing, controlling, helping,
516. 20:06self-medicating, withdrawing,
517. 20:09whatever. Don't judge it and don't try
518. 20:11to stop it. Even more good news, you
519. 20:13don't have to give a about
520. 20:14self-you. You just name it because
521. 20:17naming it creates distance between you
522. 20:20and the behavior. This is a big thing
523. 20:22for your brain. And like coming up with
524. 20:24a name in your mind and saying, "Oh,
525. 20:25yeah, I got it now." It's different than
526. 20:27like writing it down, printing it out,
527. 20:29putting it somewhere where you're going
528. 20:30to see it.
529. 20:31Distance is where all choice lives and I
530. 20:34want you to remember that. And that's
531. 20:35just when I talk about sciops, if you
532. 20:37sum sciops up in like three or four
533. 20:40words, it would be closing distance.
534. 20:43If I close distance, I eliminate choice.
535. 20:45I just make you live inside of the
536. 20:47thing.
537. 20:48Then you don't know the difference.
538. 20:50So, the moment that you see all of this
539. 20:51and that your your behavior isn't just
540. 20:53who you are, then the thing starts to
541. 20:56kind of stutter a little bit and it's
542. 20:57not a stop, it's a stutter. You're going
543. 20:59to start experiencing little stutters
544. 21:01cuz you're going to be hyper-aware of
545. 21:03all your debt servicing behaviors. So,
546. 21:05that's perspective really kind of doing
547. 21:07its work. You move the vantage point 1
548. 21:09more inch and the whole system flinched
549. 21:12a little bit. That's really good.
550. 21:18>> [music]
551. 21:19>> So, step three
552. 21:20is let your body finish what it started.
553. 21:23So, all the emotions stored in your body
554. 21:25are
555. 21:26maybe some kind of incomplete motor
556. 21:28responses, right? You never got to
557. 21:29fight, you got to run away and escape.
558. 21:31The scream that kind of maybe stayed in
559. 21:33your throat. The collapse [music]
560. 21:35uh you never got to surrender to. You
561. 21:37think those are memories. Hopefully by
562. 21:39now you know better. Those are not
563. 21:41memories. Those are unfinished moments,
564. 21:44unfinished movements.
565. 21:47And the body has to finish a lot of
566. 21:48those.
567. 21:49And I don't mean intellectually,
568. 21:52I mean physically.
569. 21:53This is where we have shaking and
570. 21:55trembling and crying without a story
571. 21:58attached to it. I would highly recommend
572. 22:01you look into these neurogenic tremors
573. 22:03[music] or there's like 90 brand names
574. 22:06for neurogenic tremors now even though
575. 22:07it's just a natural response of your
576. 22:09body. Uh TRE is the most common brand
577. 22:12name. It's like branding the word
578. 22:14migraine. Maybe it's rage you get you
579. 22:17get out of your body through movement.
580. 22:19Letting the body do what it was never
581. 22:21allowed to do. But you can't do this
582. 22:24from inside the activation.
583. 22:27That's just re-traumatization.
584. 22:30You do it from this shifted vantage
585. 22:32point.
586. 22:33You never do it from inside the system.
587. 22:36It's like a fish swimming faster and
588. 22:38faster to try to not be wet anymore. You
589. 22:41can't do it from inside the system, you
590. 22:42have to be out first.
591. 22:44So, present enough to feel it,
592. 22:46aware enough to be able to watch it move
593. 22:49through your body. That's the window of
594. 22:50tolerance right there. It's a
595. 22:52perspective.
596. 22:55Close enough to feel,
597. 22:56far enough to witness the thing. And
598. 22:59this is where you have somatic work.
599. 23:01There's all kinds of uh people that do
600. 23:03all of this. Structured breathwork,
601. 23:05vagal toning, these extended exhale
602. 23:08protocols. Cold exposure is one of the
603. 23:11best in the world, cold exposure. And I
604. 23:14don't think these are random like
605. 23:16wellness trends. Our ancestors have been
606. 23:18doing this for like 10, 15,000
607. 23:20years. They're the tools that expand the
608. 23:23window.
609. 23:24This is what our ancestors did. Our
610. 23:25brains haven't changed in 200,000 years
611. 23:28and we have so much narcissism in our
612. 23:30culture that we think we're going to
613. 23:32invent a medication and outsmart these
614. 23:35ancestors who built like pyramids and
615. 23:37like figured out reality. They knew what
616. 23:39they were doing.
617. 23:40>> [music]
618. 23:41>> And a lot of this comes natural to us
619. 23:42but we suppress it. So, we want to teach
620. 23:45the nervous system that activation
621. 23:48doesn't have to mean emergency.
622. 23:50And I promise you, you will not ever
623. 23:52think your way out of debt.
624. 23:55You have my word.
625. 23:56It's never going to happen. You have to
626. 23:58feel your way out. You have to always
627. 24:01feel your way out of debt from a vantage
628. 24:03point where feeling
629. 24:05isn't drowning, which is why we've got
630. 24:07to get out first.
631. 24:11Step four
632. 24:13is stop taking on new debt.
633. 24:17That's a big step.
634. 24:18>> [music]
635. 24:18>> And this has to be a daily perspective
636. 24:21practice.
637. 24:22Every time you you are choking something
638. 24:25down instead of feeling it and you say,
639. 24:26"I'm fine." when you're not, you're
640. 24:28overriding your your body's signals
641. 24:31because you've got to do.
642. 24:33>> [music]
643. 24:33>> You're borrowing again. You're back
644. 24:36getting another loan out.
645. 24:38You're adding to the balance. So, just
646. 24:39start with one thing.
647. 24:41When you feel something, just stop and
648. 24:44give it 10 seconds of your time. Just 10
649. 24:47seconds.
650. 24:49And if you realize it later,
651. 24:51take the 10 seconds right then whenever
652. 24:53you you realize it. You don't have to
653. 24:55process all that stuff fully. You don't
654. 24:57have to understand it. You don't have to
655. 24:59And the biggest thing, you don't have to
656. 25:00intellectualize sh
657. 25:02You just have to let that stuff land. 10
658. 25:05seconds, [music] that's all it is.
659. 25:07So, what you're doing in those 10
660. 25:08seconds is you're shifting your
661. 25:09perspective around in real time instead
662. 25:12of being the person who might react, you
663. 25:15become the person who just notices. You
664. 25:17can still react however you want. You
665. 25:19just have to notice.
666. 25:21That's it.
667. 25:22And if your nervous system knows that
668. 25:25maybe feelings are allowed to arrive, it
669. 25:28stops storing them.
670. 25:30I'm going to say that again.
671. 25:31If your nervous system knows that
672. 25:33feelings are allowed to come in and
673. 25:36fully be present, it's going to stop
674. 25:38holding on to them. It's just like how
675. 25:40your body deals with that.
676. 25:45Step five is get a witness. This is the
677. 25:49deepest perspective shift of all.
678. 25:51I would say this is like from isolation
679. 25:53to being seen.
680. 25:56A lot of emotional debt was
681. 25:58probably 99% [music] of your emotional
682. 26:01debt was created in isolation.
683. 26:03Even if there were people around you,
684. 26:05you were mentally isolated. You're alone
685. 26:07with something [music] that was too big
686. 26:09for you. A big part of what the system
687. 26:12is still holding on to
688. 26:14uh isn't just a bunch of emotion, it's
689. 26:16the aloneness.
690. 26:18Aloneness by itself is debt.
691. 26:22The feeling of loneliness especially in
692. 26:23[music] childhood is debt. So, the
693. 26:25discharge process
694. 26:28very often needs a witness. And here's
695. 26:32here's my caveat to this. And maybe I'm
696. 26:34wrong about this. It's not a person to
697. 26:36fix anything,
698. 26:37it's not an an advice giver,
699. 26:41it's not somebody who's going to like
700. 26:42reframe all of your pain into a lesson.
701. 26:46I mean a witness.
702. 26:48Someone who can sit with you while
703. 26:50something is like moving through your
704. 26:52body and not not try to make it stop.
705. 26:57When you're sobbing, you have to tell
706. 26:58this person, "If you
707. 27:00care about me at all,
708. 27:02you will ignore me like a psychopath
709. 27:04during this process.
710. 27:06Your job is to keep you safe and that's
711. 27:07all. The other person's presence
712. 27:10gives you a perspective
713. 27:13that you probably can't [music] create
714. 27:15by yourself. Something happens when
715. 27:18there's people around us.
716. 27:19When somebody's holding space for
717. 27:21[music] you, it like actually holding
718. 27:23the space without flinching and without
719. 27:27fixing [music]
720. 27:28anything, they become like a little
721. 27:29mirror in my opinion. In that mirror,
722. 27:32you can probably finally [music] see
723. 27:34what's kind of been moving through you
724. 27:36without being consumed by it. And it's
725. 27:38the thing that most people needed at age
726. 27:41five
727. 27:43and didn't get. So, getting it now at
728. 27:45age 30 or 40 or 50 or 60, it's not going
729. 27:48to undo what happened, but it completes
730. 27:51something
731. 27:53that's been waiting to finish probably
732. 27:55for a very long time.
733. 27:59You didn't choose [music] your debt.
734. 28:03Nobody opens a line of
735. 28:05emotional credit on purpose.
736. 28:08It was opened for you
737. 28:11by circumstances that you didn't
738. 28:13control.
739. 28:14It was at an age when you couldn't
740. 28:16understand what was happening
741. 28:18and you've been making payments ever
742. 28:20[music] since.
743. 28:21All the little tight smiles, all the I'm
744. 28:24good, the sleepless nights maybe, the
745. 28:26relationship that collapsed under the
746. 28:29weight of some random sh and they still
747. 28:31don't know why that relationship
748. 28:33collapsed. That's a system doing its
749. 28:35best with what it was given. So, I
750. 28:37didn't want to make tonight about fixing
751. 28:39anything. I just want to make it about
752. 28:41shifting the vantage [music] point,
753. 28:43shifting perspective because I don't
754. 28:46want you to also think that debt is the
755. 28:48enemy.
756. 28:49Your fixed position inside of the debt
757. 28:51is the enemy. You move this
758. 28:54vantage point and the debt starts to
759. 28:56move with it. And you're going to kind
760. 28:57of go from like, "Why am I messed
761. 28:59[music] up? What's wrong with me?" to
762. 29:02"What do I owe?" And then you go to
763. 29:04like, "How do I start paying it back?"
764. 29:07That is perspective shifting.
765. 29:09And it's the beginning
766. 29:11of
767. 29:12>> [music]
768. 29:12>> everything. Authorities are reporting a
769. 29:14citywide manhunt underway.
770. 29:17>> [music]
771. 29:27[music]
772. 29:30>> The world is breathing.
773. 29:31>> [music]
774. 29:34>> A fragile sound.
775. 29:36>> [music]
776. 29:38>> No echoes here.
777. 29:42>> [music]
778. 29:43>> On sacred ground.
779. 29:47A quiet pulse.
780. 29:49a steady [music] beat,
781. 29:51the truth we feel in simple heat.
782. 29:55>> [music]
783. 29:56>> Barefoot steps
784. 29:58on hallowed ground,
785. 30:00a sacred rhythm we have found. [music]
786. 30:11>> [music]
787. 30:19[music]
788. 30:22>> The world just breathes, and I can feel
789. 30:26it.
790. 30:26>> [music]
791. 30:26>> A perfect [singing]
792. 30:28promise can't conceal it. The shadows
793. 30:32leaning
794. 30:33on [singing] the light,
795. 30:35>> [music]
796. 30:35>> another beautiful, quiet night.
797. 30:42>> [music]
798. 30:49[music]
799. 30:55[music]
800. 30:57>> The past is gone,
801. 30:59but we remain, [singing]
802. 31:02washing over
803. 31:03>> [music]
804. 31:04>> all the pain.
805. 31:06A simple truth,
806. 31:08a feeling [music] pure,
807. 31:10a soft connection
808. 31:12to endure.
809. 31:19>> [music]
810. 31:25[music]
811. 31:32>> The world just breathes, [music]
812. 31:34and I can [singing] feel it. A perfect
813. 31:37promise can't conceal it. The shadows
814. 31:42leaning [singing]
815. 31:43on the light,
816. 31:45another beautiful, quiet night.
817. 31:57>> [music]
818. 32:11[music]
819. 32:22[music]
820. 32:26>> This quiet night,
821. 32:28>> [music]
822. 32:31>> what makes it right?
823. 32:35>> [music]
824. 32:39>> And the world just breathes. [music]