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Prof Deepak Malhotra - HBS - 2012 Speech to Graduating Harvard MBA Students — Transcript

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0:10Deepak Malhotra Deepak Malhotra is a
0:13professor in the negotiations
0:15organizations and markets unit at the
0:17Harvard Business School he teaches
0:19negotiations in the MBA program and in a
0:21wide variety of executive programs his
0:24teaching is widely praised as evidence
0:26by winning an HBS faculty award from the
0:28MBA class of 2011 11 Professor maler has
0:32published several books his most recent
0:34I moved your cheese has been translated
0:36into 15 languages and is currently a
0:38Wall Street Journal bestseller deo's
0:41research focuses on negotiation strategy
0:44trust development competitive escalation
0:47and Inter International and ethnic
0:49dispute resolution he will talk about
0:52none of these
0:53today follow him on Twitter at Prof
0:56motra and without further Ado please
0:58join me and welcome him to the stage
1:01[Applause]
1:11AG good
1:13afternoon how are we
1:16doing it is my pleasure to be here with
1:19all of you today it's not only my
1:20pleasure it's also my honor uh to be
1:22here one of the easiest questions I've
1:24been asked all year is when the Student
1:27Association reached out and and asked
1:28whether I would join all of you you this
1:30afternoon for this talk and that was an
1:32easy yes uh one of the most important
1:35relationships that I have in my life is
1:37my relationship with my students and
1:39although most of you were not a student
1:41in my classroom uh I wouldn't pass up on
1:44the opportunity to engage with you at
1:45least once uh before you graduate which
1:48reminds me uh let me be among the first
1:50perhaps to congratulate you on
1:53graduation which is only a couple weeks
1:54ago uh it's it's pretty close uh I don't
1:57think I'm being premature in
1:58congratulating you I think most of you
2:00are going to make it uh certainly all of
2:03you seem to think so because you're not
2:04preparing for exams right now you're
2:06sitting here uh we'll see how that works
2:09out uh but it's great to be here with
2:11all of you and uh I'm going to leave
2:14some time at the end for questions uh
2:16I'm very cognizant of the fact that most
2:19meaningful conversations tend to be
2:21dialogues not monologues uh this of
2:24course will be mostly a monologue
2:26hopefully we'll have some time at the
2:27end to do some Q&A and if not and if you
2:29want to have a dialogue afterwards uh
2:31feel free to reach out to me either
2:32later today if I'm uh still going to be
2:34around for a little while or sometime in
2:36the
2:37future as mentioned in the very nice
2:41introduction what I'm going to be
2:42talking about is not really related to
2:45what most of you uh know me for which is
2:47negotiation and dealing with conflict uh
2:50and perhaps my work in my more recent
2:52book what I'm going to be talking about
2:54today is something quite different and I
2:55want to kick off the conversation with
2:57an
2:58observation and the observation is the
3:03following there are a lot of people in
3:05this world that have it pretty tough
3:08there are people in this world who have
3:11very very big
3:12problems and by my estimation almost
3:16none of those people are in this room
3:20today in fact I think we'd all agree
3:23that it's quite the opposite the people
3:25in this room today
3:27represent you know the top one 100th of
3:301% maybe the top 1,000th of 1% of the
3:33people on this planet when it comes to
3:36Future wealth potential future health
3:39potential Freedom Liberty social
3:44networks the opportunities that you have
3:47just about by any of these really nice
3:49measures this is about as good as it
3:51gets and here's the
3:56observation what we know is that many of
3:59you will be
4:00happy in the years that
4:02follow and that's a big
4:07problem imagine for a moment that one of
4:10these people who has almost nothing in
4:13the
4:14world who has really big problems
4:18they've lived through war or famine
4:20their children go to sleep every night
4:22hungry or scared or both one of these
4:26people runs into you on the street in a
4:28couple years and asks you are you
4:30fantastically happy are you like really
4:32happy and your answer is no not
4:38really and then the person asks you why
4:42not what explanation would you give to
4:45this person how would you make it make
4:47sense to this person that would be a
4:50difficult
4:51conversation and one of the things I
4:53want to talk about today is this
5:00over the two years that you've been here
5:01or almost two years you've been here
5:02you've heard a lot of conversation about
5:04what it is that we want from you we want
5:06you to be great managers we want you to
5:08be great leaders we want you to be
5:10ethical we want you to solve the big
5:12problems in the world let's set all of
5:14that aside for this afternoon at least
5:17for this hour let's set that
5:20aside and just focus on one thing here's
5:23what I want from all of you what I would
5:26like all of you to be is happy
5:30all right let's set what should be a low
5:33bar let's just make sure that everybody
5:36leaving this place is Happy given all
5:39the opportunities you have ahead of you
5:41if people in this room can't be happy
5:43then that's it's a shame it's also a
5:46slap in the face of the people out there
5:48who would give anything to have a
5:51thousandth of the opportunity you have
5:53for themselves or for their
5:55kids because if we can't do that if we
5:58can't walk away from here and and a few
5:59years from now be very very happy with
6:01the choices we've made and the life
6:03we're living then that's a problem and
6:06that's what I would call a
6:09tragedy and I use that word in a literal
6:12sense now you're like what did I walk
6:13into here this is getting pretty dark
6:15all right it's it's going to get better
6:16don't worry
6:18uh when I use the word tragedy I I mean
6:20that in the literal sense we've had
6:23tragedy with us in literature for many
6:26years thousands of years people have
6:28been talking about tragedies in the
6:30literature and one definition and you
6:32can have lots of different definitions
6:33for what makes for a tragedy but one
6:35definition of a tragedy is the following
6:38a story in which the protagonist suffers
6:40extreme sorrow as a consequence of a
6:43grave error or a personal faing that
6:45combines with external forces and
6:49circumstances or to put it more
6:51simply the measure of tragedy is the
6:55following it's the distance between how
6:58happy you could or would or should have
7:01been and how happy you actually are the
7:05greater that distance the greater that
7:07disparity that's the measure of tragedy
7:09in this
7:10story here's what you could have been
7:12here's what you should have been here's
7:14what you had the opportunity to be if
7:16there was never that opportunity it's
7:17not a tragedy it's just a pathetic
7:19situation it's just a bad situation it's
7:22a tragedy when we can imagine this
7:24person this hero this protagonist could
7:26have been this happy but here's where
7:28they ended up
7:30and what leads to that disparity what
7:31leads to that difference in stories and
7:34in people's lives is usually a
7:36combination of two things circumstance
7:39and
7:40choices difficult
7:42circumstances and poor
7:45choices and what's interesting here is
7:48that for the group of us in this room we
7:51don't have the ability to blame
7:53circumstances too much for us most of
7:56it's going to be about the choices
8:00so that's what tragedy is so what would
8:03be the opposite of tragedy what would
8:04happen if we take that Delta between
8:07what could have been and what is how
8:09happy we could have been and how happy
8:11we are what if we could eliminate that
8:13difference what if that Delta was
8:16Zero what kind of story would that be
8:19and I'm going to suggest to you that a
8:21word that captures that story is
8:26genius now genius has come to mean
8:28something particular in society we think
8:32of Genius as someone who's really good
8:34at something someone who's the best at a
8:36certain thing Einstein genius Mozart
8:40genius Michael Jordan genius all right
8:44but the word genius actually comes from
8:47a slightly different place if you go
8:49back to the roots of where genius really
8:51comes from it used to mean something a
8:53little bit different it didn't refer to
8:55being exceptional at something it
8:57referred to the essence of something
9:01what you might call the essence of a
9:03person or a thing the Ness of
9:06something and by this definition it
9:09makes less sense to ask is this person a
9:12genius and much more sense to ask what
9:15is this person's
9:17genius what is their
9:19genius and what I'll suggest to
9:22you is responsible for eliminating the
9:25Delta between how happy you could be and
9:28how happy you are is the extent to which
9:31you understand and embrace your Genius
9:35what makes you you what is your
9:38essence and create a life and make the
9:42kind of choices that allows you to
9:44exhibit that genius every
9:46day so that who you are and what you're
9:50doing are not two different
9:52things you're not at work with a game
9:55face on going through the motions and
9:57then when you come home or on the
9:59weekend you get to be you that is not
10:02exhibiting genius in your
10:04life and so what I want to talk about
10:07fundamentally are the choices we
10:09make that create one story or another a
10:13story that you look back 50 or 60 years
10:15from now and ask yourself was that a
10:18tragedy or was that pure
10:21genius so what I want to talk about are
10:24some of the choices and perhaps some of
10:26the habits you may want to consider
10:28cultivating
10:30to make sure that the story ends up
10:32maybe where you want it to end up so
10:34that everybody in here can look back a
10:36couple years from now and say am I happy
10:38fantastically so yes I was lucky to have
10:41these circumstances but then I made the
10:43right
10:45choices so that's where this is going to
10:49go and I'll start with an idea that we
10:53don't talk much about at the Harvard
10:55Business School in fact we don't talk
10:57much about it in Business Schools
10:59generally we don't even talk about it
11:00much in society as being a particularly
11:02good thing but here is my most
11:04immediately actionable advice for
11:07you
11:10quit to be more specific quit early and
11:14quit
11:14often be the best quitter you
11:19know and just to make sure I'm being
11:21clear about what I do and don't mean
11:23about this let me use the word in a
11:25sentence here's what I
11:27mean if you would mind take a moment and
11:29close your eyes you don't have to but
11:32play along if you don't
11:34mind and if you are lucky enough to have
11:36a job or something lined up for the
11:38summer or the fall imagine that job for
11:41a moment what you're going to be doing
11:43after you graduate just imagine that for
11:45a moment and ask
11:48yourself am I really excited about this
11:52is this what I always wanted to be doing
11:55at this stage in my life is this what I
11:57dreamed of doing is this what I really
12:00really really want to
12:02do and if the answer is
12:05no then I suggest you quit and you quit
12:10now and save yourself some
12:15time quit early quit
12:19often as I think about my own career as
12:22I think about the stuff that I get to do
12:24now and I love my job I love every
12:26aspect of it I didn't get to have a job
12:30that I love now I'm not saying anybody
12:31else would love it I love it but I
12:33wouldn't have found this job uh by
12:35making good
12:36decisions I would go as far as to say
12:39that I am worse than the average person
12:41and probably considerably worse than the
12:43people in this room at making good
12:45career
12:47decisions I tend to make the wrong
12:49decision many times the thing that I
12:51happen to be good at the thing that I
12:53was luckily quite good at from an early
12:55age was being a good
12:57quitter I would identify what I don't
13:00like and not waste time justifying to
13:03myself that it's okay I should still do
13:04it and I would just
13:06quit when I went into college I was an
13:10undergrad for three years I formally
13:12changed Majors five times all right and
13:14I actually changed schools once in the
13:16middle as
13:17well computer science no psychology no
13:20secondary education majoring in English
13:22and math no criminal justice no
13:27economics yes
13:29and then I graduated and I got a job at
13:32a very nice consulting firm which I
13:34won't name because three months later I
13:37hated
13:38it and I noticed a lot of people near me
13:40hated it as well some people loved it it
13:42was perfect for them that's exactly what
13:43they should have been doing but I wasn't
13:45one of those people so I quit again I
13:47thought well what am I going to do with
13:48the rest of my life no idea maybe I'll
13:51be a high school teacher I always
13:52thought I'll be a high school teacher
13:53okay I'll start substitute teaching at
13:55my old high school so I became a sub and
13:58while I was doing that
13:59I started practicing martial arts I
14:01thought maybe I'll open a martial arts
14:02school at some point in my
14:05life and I started thinking about
14:07business maybe I want to start a
14:08business in the world of Education sort
14:10of a tutoring business so I Incorporated
14:12that and started thinking about how I'm
14:13going to get some clients and at the
14:15same time I was thinking about getting a
14:16PhD and being a game theorist so I
14:18applied and got in to a few schools to
14:21study managerial economics and Game
14:23Theory and then I quit most of those
14:26things and I went to Northwestern un
14:28University to become a game
14:30theorist it was fantastic for about four
14:35months and then I realized you know the
14:37modeling is cool the math is great the
14:38economics is very fun but this is not
14:40who I
14:41am and so I quit again and by now I was
14:44starting to worry myself like maybe I'm
14:46one of those people who'll never find
14:48something until I did and I switched
14:50departments and I ended up studying
14:52negotiation and decision-making and then
14:53I took some time off to study ethnic
14:55conflict and it really became clear that
14:57this is exactly what I should be doing
14:58with my life
15:00and I couldn't have made that decision
15:02when I graduated from college I didn't
15:04even know this job
15:06existed I can look back and tell a nice
15:08story about how all the things I was
15:11interested in teaching Consulting
15:13research analysis having no boss etc etc
15:17all of a sudden all come together in
15:19this job but it didn't happen by
15:22charting a path it did happen by
15:24quitting quitting often and quitting
15:26early so by the time I got hired at this
15:29great school I was 26 years old and a
15:33whole bunch of quitting under my belt
15:35quit early quit often two last things
15:38I'll say about quitting before we move
15:39on to something else I could talk about
15:41quitting all day
15:43uh first I'm not saying quit something
15:47because it's
15:48hard I'm telling you to quit something
15:50because it
15:52sucks it's just not for you it may be
15:55for everybody sitting near you but it's
15:57not for you quit it
15:59don't spend years justifying why you got
16:02to do
16:03it if you have the opportunity quit the
16:07second thing I'll say quitting is not
16:10for the
16:11weak quitting takes strength quitting
16:14often takes more strength than
16:19perseverance cultivate the strength to
16:21quit and make it a habit it allows you
16:24to say no to a lot of things and yes to
16:26the few things that maybe you didn't
16:28even know were perfect for you now of
16:30course after you do all this quitting
16:31you got to do something with your life
16:32you can't really just keep quitting so
16:35what are you going to
16:36do what job should you take what career
16:39path should you follow obviously it's
16:42going to be different for the 900 or so
16:44mbas that we have graduating this year
16:45everybody's different everybody's going
16:47to do something very different you could
16:49decide to do something in the Arts
16:50something in engineering starting a
16:52business working in management you could
16:54do a million
16:55things but here's one thing here's one
16:59feature that should be a
17:01part of everybody's job and everybody's
17:06career track and everybody's future it's
17:08the one feature that ties all of you
17:10together as MBA
17:12students it's what the MBA students
17:14mission is in
17:17life you know it's it's hard sometimes
17:19to talk about the mission of an MBA
17:22student because we're going to have a
17:24debate about what that really is it's
17:26easy in other fields you go to the med
17:28school ask people what's your mission
17:30what's your
17:31purpose in some language or another
17:33they'll tell you our purpose is to
17:34create Health to create a healthier
17:36Society got it go to the law school
17:39what's your purpose create Justice go to
17:42the Ed School what's your purpose create
17:44education create a more educated or
17:46learned Society business school what's
17:49your
17:49purpose what are you all supposed to do
17:52what have you been prepared for trained
17:54for educated to do and I would suggest
17:57that one answer to that question is is
17:59you are trained to create
18:02value you have the ability you have the
18:05training you have the
18:07practice of being among the best in this
18:10world at finding ways to create value
18:13where it needs to be or could be
18:15created you can see a problem and try to
18:18figure out how we would best fix it you
18:21can look at a system that's broken and
18:23think about how to improve it you can
18:25think about a need or a demand that's
18:27unfulfilled you can think about how to
18:29fulfill it how do we bring together the
18:31resources bring together the people
18:33create the system create the processes
18:36create the
18:37structures the channels that we need to
18:39solve problems that create value
18:42everyone in here should be a value
18:46Creator whatever it is that you want to
18:48do in whatever field it may be create
18:51value make sure that what you're doing
18:53creates value and people of course think
18:56of creating value in different ways
18:59but fundamentally it comes down to two
19:02buckets there's two kinds of
19:04people there are those who figure out
19:07how to create value first and then worry
19:09about how much money they're going to
19:10make later the assumption is if I create
19:13a lot of value I'm going to have the
19:14opportunity to monetize some of that
19:16value and I'm going to get paid but
19:18we're going to find a way to create
19:19value in whatever area we
19:21want business non- business doesn't
19:23matter we're going to create value and
19:25then we're going to get
19:26paid these are the people we we call
19:31mbas and then there are those who figure
19:34out how to make money but don't really
19:36create value for anyone to find a way to
19:39position themselves in a certain way
19:41create certain structures that make sure
19:43they get paid even though they're not
19:45really creating value for
19:47anyone we call these people
19:50thieves don't be a
19:54thief the value you create in society
19:57should be the up bound of how much money
20:00you
20:01make now how much you make up to that is
20:04up for negotiation it's up for
20:06discussion it's up for argument it's up
20:09to principles of fairness Etc but the
20:12value you create in society should serve
20:14as an upper bound of how much you take
20:17home if you're taking home more than the
20:19value you're creating in society you're
20:21falling into bucket number two find a
20:23way to create value find a way to create
20:26value in an area in a passion in an
20:30aspect of the world that makes sense to
20:34you of course you know we've been
20:36talking about careers and
20:38jobs it's not really the only place
20:41that's going to have an impact on your
20:43happiness in fact my guess is for most
20:46of you most of the time your day-to-day
20:48happiness is going to be much more a
20:50function of your relationship with
20:51people than it is going to be about the
20:53job you have so it'll be it'll be close
20:57but those relationships are going to
20:59matter and what's going to matter even
21:00more is how you handle those
21:01relationships when those relationships
21:03aren't going so well how you manage
21:06conflict in your
21:08lives now I've been studying Conflict
21:11for about 15 years I'm not saying that's
21:14a lot but it's 15
21:17years and one of the things that I
21:20have come to terms with and understood I
21:24think at a pretty deep level is the
21:26following
21:28it turns out you don't need two people
21:32one of whom's a bad person in order to
21:34have
21:35conflict you just need two
21:38people we see good smart
21:42well-intentioned people fighting with
21:45each other all the
21:47time you don't need one person to have
21:49ill intent or to be an idiot to have a
21:52conflict good people are fighting with
21:55good people smart people are smarting
21:56fighting with smart people all the time
21:59and what helps us reconcile those
22:01conflicts what allows us to have better
22:03relationships at all levels at the
22:05levels of society
22:08internationally with each other in the
22:10house is this third point which is about
22:14empathy if you can cultivate greater
22:18empathy in your
22:20lives a phrase I like to use is learn to
22:23see the world through gentler eyes be
22:27less judgmental of other people
22:29people personally I don't care if you
22:32are a fan of Shan Hannity or Keith
22:35obman I don't care if you know the ideas
22:39of the Tea Party resonate with you or
22:41the ideas of Occupy Wall Street I don't
22:44care if it's about the coch brothers or
22:46about George Soros I really don't care
22:48what you
22:49believe but what does
22:52matter is how much you are willing to
22:56understand people who are on the other
22:58side
22:59how much you're willing to say this
23:02person passionately
23:05fundamentally timately disagrees with me
23:08on some major issues and it doesn't have
23:11to mean that they're crazy or evil are
23:15out to get me that they see the world in
23:17a fundamentally different place it's
23:19it's fantastic there's a million people
23:21who agree with you that's great but
23:24there's also a million people who don't
23:26agree with you and the question is how
23:28do you make sense of those people what
23:31do you do when you run into one of those
23:35people now I think all of us have a
23:37decent amount of
23:39empathy I think most of us are the kinds
23:42of people that try to take the other
23:44person's perspective most of the time
23:46it's just that we tend to forget it when
23:48it matters
23:50most and it matters most in two
23:53cases
23:55one is when we're in our really close
23:58Rel
23:59relationships the sad fact of the matter
24:01is that we typically behave worse with
24:04the people that we care about
24:06most you get into an argument you get
24:08into a fight you start out wanting to
24:10make a good point share your perspective
24:13try and understand where they're coming
24:14from but things start spiraling out of
24:16control and you walk away not having any
24:18patience for not having any desire for
24:21really understanding why it is that
24:22they're so angry at you why it is that
24:24they see the world so differently than
24:25you do why they think what you did was
24:27maybe not the right thing to do and the
24:30second place we tend to not have
24:32sufficient empathy is when we're dealing
24:34with people that we just fundamentally
24:36don't like at
24:37all but what you got to remember is that
24:40empathy matters most when you're dealing
24:43with people who seem to deserve it least
24:46I'll give you an
24:47example
24:50uh it's not about empathy but it's about
24:52something very related to it uh my
24:54martial arts instructor once told me the
24:56following story when he was a bit
24:59younger uh he was an instructor but he
25:01also worked on the side at this uh at
25:04this Hospital which had a lot of
25:06patients with psychological
25:08disorders and one of his aspects of his
25:12job uh as was the case with everybody
25:15who worked there was that when one of
25:16these patients got out of control maybe
25:19even got violent one of the aspects of
25:21the job was to try and bring these
25:23people under control restrain them make
25:25sure they don't hurt themselves or or
25:27hurt you
25:28get the situation under control and so
25:31he used to work here and and and
25:32whenever one of those situations would
25:33erupt it would be like you know all
25:35handson deck everybody let's try to fix
25:38this problem of course sometimes you'd
25:41be the only one there and there was no
25:43backup there was nobody else there so
25:45that was the context so anyway the the
25:48instructor is one day sitting with uh
25:50his boss in the
25:51lunchroom and the boss says to him he
25:53says let me ask you something you know
25:57when you're one of these patients and
25:58they get really physical they get
26:00violent they start attacking
26:02you and nobody else is really there do
26:06you ever use your kung fu on these
26:09people the guy looks at him he
26:12says all the
26:15time what are you talking about that's
26:18crazy you can't do that that's not even
26:21legal it's gonna it's going to get you
26:23in
26:24trouble and the instructor says you know
26:27it's it's when these people are losing
26:29their cool and they're getting violent
26:32and they're taking it out on me those
26:34are the moments when it's most important
26:37for me to keep my cool for me to keep my
26:40balance for me to try and understand why
26:44they're doing what they're doing and why
26:46they're lashing out at me and what
26:48they're going to do
26:49next and it's my Kung Fu that allows me
26:51to do that to keep my cool to keep my
26:54composure that's me using my Kung Fu
26:56every day
26:59if I didn't have that I might actually
27:01throw a punch at someone I might really
27:03lose it this is where it matters
27:06most and the same thing is true in our
27:09relationships there are people who are
27:11going to annoy you who are going to
27:12frustrate you who are going to think
27:14differently from you in ways that you
27:16just can't even imagine somebody could
27:18think the question is what do you do
27:20with it are you going to be one of those
27:24people we have too much of the sort of
27:27oneliner wrote memorizing Partyline
27:30ideologues who go around saying you know
27:32there are simple easy answers to what
27:34people say are complex problems and the
27:36simple easy answer is this and everybody
27:38who disagrees is wrong or evil or out to
27:41get you or a communist or a Hitler or
27:44are you going to be someone who says
27:45listen the reason we have a
27:48long-standing seemingly intractable
27:50debate on this issue is because smart
27:53well-intentioned people who come from
27:55different backgrounds from different
27:56perspectives sometimes dis agree you got
27:59to have that empathy you got to have the
28:02ability to look at the world through
28:04gentler eyes it can make all the
28:06difference in every one of the
28:07relationships we
28:09have of
28:11course before we can have empathy we
28:13need to have something else which gets
28:17us to humility now let's clear the air a
28:22little
28:23bit some of you walked into school not
28:27raing very high on the humility scale
28:31which is cool some of us walked into
28:33school with the exact same problem
28:36uh but then you walked into the
28:39class and what did we do we made matters
28:44worse so here's the clearing of the air
28:47this has to be
28:50said many of the answers you gave in
28:52class were
28:55wrong they were dead wrong
28:59all right yeah I said
29:02it
29:03and we didn't tell you that we certainly
29:06didn't tell you that often enough I'm
29:08not talking about the category of things
29:09that well there's no right or wrong
29:10answer I'm talking about there's right
29:12and wrong and you're
29:13wrong he said we sort of Nod along said
29:16anybody else maybe we go to the board
29:18write your answer in a smaller font than
29:20the rest of it all sorts of stuff
29:22happening hoping and you know we didn't
29:26do you any favors and that's on us but
29:30the fact of the matter is when you leave
29:32and you get out there you need to
29:35remember we have not equipped you to
29:37solve the big problems you're going to
29:40face we have equipped you to have a
29:43fighting chance when you face those
29:45problems and the extent to which you can
29:47solve those problems not the easy stuff
29:50that you could have solved before you
29:51got here the big stuff that you think
29:53you want to solve and we think you want
29:54to
29:55solve the extent to which you're going
29:57to be able to solve solve those is yes
29:59in part going to be based on your skills
30:01your confidence level Etc but also in no
30:04small part on your ability to be
30:07humble to accept what you know and you
30:10don't
30:11know to understand that there are
30:13problems that have been going on for a
30:15long time there are problems that nobody
30:16else has solved for a reason because a
30:19hundred people coming up to that problem
30:21trying to solve it themselves may not
30:23solve it that you got to bring other
30:25people in that you got to think
30:27differently that you don't have all the
30:29answers it makes a huge
30:33difference humility and
30:35confidence are not enemies they are best
30:40friends if you have one or the other
30:43you're in a lot of
30:44trouble people with lots of humility and
30:47no
30:48confidence they're not doing too much
30:51they're not taking very many actions
30:53they're not being
30:55bold but the people that have all the
30:57confidence in the world and no humility
30:59I see one of those people I see someone
31:01who's about to go down in flames and
31:03they're probably going to take other
31:04people with them you got to have both
31:07confidence with humility yes I can do it
31:10yes it can be done and what are the
31:13limits of what I can do alone or what
31:14are the limits of what I bring to the
31:16table what are the limits of everything
31:17that we have tried so far are we open to
31:20that now the good news is this the good
31:23news is uh whether our parents teach us
31:27sufficient humility whether our teachers
31:30teach us sufficient
31:31humility maybe maybe not but relatively
31:35soon in all of your lives someone's
31:37going to show up who's going to teach
31:39you humility
31:41fast and that someone is going to be
31:44your
31:45kid your children will teach you
31:47humility faster than you could have
31:51imagined in my case when my
31:53three-year-old son this is a year and a
31:54half ago came up to me and said Daddy I
31:58really want something I really want to
31:59do something what is it can you teach me
32:03how to
32:04fly teach you how to
32:06fly how do you answer that say what is
32:09this person thinking more important more
32:11importantly what have I been
32:12representing myself
32:14as right yeah step back here all right
32:19this is going to be a longer
32:20conversation all right and it also comes
32:23in a different way with your kids you
32:25look at these kids they're small and and
32:27you real iiz how much they already know
32:29and you ask yourself you I'm 30 35 years
32:31older than this person I don't know if I
32:33know much
32:34more I'll give you an example I'm
32:37talking to so as I Was preparing for
32:39this talk I decided to ask my children
32:41what I should talk about now my kids are
32:43very young uh my son is 4 and a half
32:46years old my daughter is 2 and a half
32:48years old and then I have a two and a
32:49half month old I didn't ask her uh but I
32:52went to the other two and I tried to
32:54explain to my daughter I said you know
32:56she's two and a half years old I said
32:57you know that he's going to be giving a
32:59talk he's going to be talking to
33:00students he's going to be talking to
33:01kids you know what would you say what's
33:02important so it basically came down to
33:04what would you tell someone is very
33:06important what should you always
33:08remember and she says no
33:12hitting that's pretty
33:14good all right no hitting so I say okay
33:17uh anything else she says no
33:21kicking okay anything else no
33:25punching all right how about something
33:27very different anything different from
33:29that and she thinks about it for a while
33:31and she says no hitting someone on the
33:33head with a
33:34bat right I think we're tapped out here
33:38uh let's go to my son so the following
33:41day I set aside some time to sit down
33:44with my son and I asked my son I say and
33:46he he got it a little bit more that he's
33:48going to give a talk I'd given a talk at
33:49his school once for his for the kids in
33:51his class he's he's four and a half in
33:53preschool so he he kind of got it and I
33:54said okay what's
33:55important he says
33:59be a good
34:00listener very good all right what else
34:04don't do bad
34:06things
34:07agreed anything
34:09else don't cry for small things or don't
34:12cry because of small
34:14reasons this fantastic so I push my Lu a
34:18little bit more anything
34:21else don't call 911 to talk to a fireman
34:25if there's no fire
34:28now he's never done that I don't even
34:30know where he got that but that's in top
34:33four things that people should know all
34:35right and you think about it you step
34:38away and you're like these kids sort of
34:41know you know what have we' been doing
34:43for the last 30 years what have I done
34:45since I knew that You' have been better
34:46off just having them up here all right
34:49they're much cuter they're at least as
34:54insightful but it's true you know you
34:56think about what it is that you know and
34:58you don't know and you think about your
34:59kids and it can make a big difference
35:00and I I assume most of you don't have
35:02kids right now I know most of you don't
35:03have kids right now but it's it's an
35:05amazing experience and you got to have
35:07the humility even when you talk with
35:09your kids because there's a lot that
35:11they can teach you and that's where I'm
35:13going to take the last point in all of
35:15this this is a school and so the last
35:18point should be about education and it
35:20should be about learning and so the last
35:23thing I'm going to say to you on this is
35:25you got to get your learn on
35:29here's what I
35:32mean the thing that we as people seem to
35:35be most inefficient at is
35:39learning the human body is an amazingly
35:42efficient machine when we go to work
35:44we're actually pretty efficient if we
35:47put our minds to it the one thing where
35:49we fail miserably on the efficiency
35:52scale is in
35:54learning we miss on a daily basis 99% of
36:00the learning opportunities that come our
36:02way and the reason is partly we don't
36:04have our student head on but also partly
36:07because we're very picky about what we
36:09learn and who we learn from we walk into
36:12a situation with preconceived notions
36:14about what it is that I should
36:16learn and what I want to suggest to you
36:18is you're going to learn a lot more if
36:20you're not so picky about who you learn
36:22from and what you learn if you're open
36:24to the idea of learning from every
36:26experience that you're having
36:28again I'll give you a personal
36:30example when I was practicing martial
36:33arts one of the things that would happen
36:34when you would go into the school when
36:35you'd go to the dojo is occasionally it
36:37would be sparring day and you would be
36:40paired up with someone and you had to
36:41you know put on some gear but not too
36:43much and then you would
36:44Spar and it would be physical and there
36:46would be physical contact but you were
36:48taught to you know pull your punches a
36:50little bit especially if you're going to
36:51attack someone in the face you're not
36:52going to go all out you're going to pull
36:53your punches you can go a little bit
36:55harder on the body Etc but pull your
36:57punches in any case pull your kicks Etc
37:00every so often more often than randomly
37:03it seemed I would get paired with this
37:05one particular
37:07guy he was bigger than me he was
37:09stronger than me he was higher ranked
37:11than
37:12me he was better in every way that was
37:16fine what wasn't fine was he didn't seem
37:19to understand what it meant to pull a
37:20punch so every time he came at me I'd
37:24get hit hard I mean I'd block some
37:26things but I was getting hit hard and it
37:29hurt and it would throw me off and it
37:31was really
37:32annoying and every so often the
37:34instructor would have to remind him
37:35listen you got to you know this is
37:37practice we're trying to improve you
37:39can't just go full on otherwise people
37:40aren't going to learn but he wouldn't
37:42listen or he would listen he just didn't
37:44care or he had a different philosophy
37:45about what it meant to practice or to
37:47spar I don't know but his behavior
37:49wouldn't change and it got really
37:52frustrating I started dreading walking
37:54in here and being paired up with that
37:55guy cuz the entire hour would be a waste
37:58I just spend the whole time making sure
37:59I don't get my ass kicked all
38:02right sitting there going I'm not
38:04learning a thing
38:06until and you know where this is
38:08going I realize that I've got it all
38:12wrong I am not going to learn the things
38:14I came here to learn but I can learn a
38:16lot
38:17more I don't usually get the opportunity
38:20to learn how to take a punch to the face
38:23I don't usually get the opportunity to
38:26try to keep my composure when I'm under
38:28physical
38:29attack or to remember what I'm supposed
38:31to do when the adrenaline is getting out
38:33of control this is a unique
38:36opportunity I knew at the end of the day
38:38I'm not going to end up in the hospital
38:39you know let's put it in perspective now
38:42do I want to have the mindset of going
38:43in there and getting excited about this
38:45opportunity or do I want to go in there
38:47and dread it and learn nothing it was an
38:50opportunity to learn it just wasn't in
38:51the form that I had
38:54expected you got to remember you can
38:56learn at least at least as much from a
38:58bad teacher as from a good teacher not
39:01the same
39:02thing but you can learn at least as much
39:04from a bad teacher as a good teacher if
39:06you're open to the idea of
39:10learning and like
39:13quitting like empathy like humility like
39:16the idea of making sure you're creating
39:17value this idea of not being a picky
39:21learner this is simple
39:23stuff but simple doesn't make it easy
39:27nothing I'm saying here is very
39:29complex all right it's simple not
39:31complex but that doesn't mean it's easy
39:34if it was easy we'd all be doing it all
39:36the time to the extent that we thought
39:38it made sense in our lives but these are
39:40habits we can cultivate we can cultivate
39:43the habit of looking carefully at a
39:44situation and deciding whether or not to
39:46quit and how sooning we can do it are we
39:49really creating value on the path that
39:51we have decided to move are we
39:54cultivating sufficient empathy are we
39:56stepping back and trying try to
39:57understand the perspective of the people
39:58we're dealing with do we have sufficient
40:01humility in our interactions with people
40:03and our interactions with problems are
40:05we keeping an open mind and making sure
40:07that we learn you're no longer going to
40:09be quote students but you should remain
40:12students it's going to be the most
40:14helpful thing you can do as you go
40:15forward and try to figure out what you
40:16want to do with the rest of your life
40:19so I'm going to close with just one last
40:23thing that is different from everything
40:25I've said so far uh it's it's not
40:27related to tragedy or to genius or which
40:30choices you're going to make or any of
40:32the five things I talked about up to
40:33here but it is worth
40:37saying your teachers care a lot about
40:40you your teachers want you to be
40:42successful they want you to be happy we
40:44want you to do great things but there's
40:47something else we want as
40:49well we like when you stay in
40:51touch stay in touch with your
40:54teachers they invest a lot in you the
40:57teachers that are here but the teachers
40:59that are not here and the teachers that
41:00aren't even at the business school stay
41:03in touch with your teachers reach out to
41:05them once in a while let them know how
41:06you're
41:07doing not just with a business school
41:09student you know think back to your
41:10elementary school middle school high
41:12school your parents call your parents
41:13tonight for crying out loud all right
41:16reach out to people these are the people
41:19that care these are the people that have
41:21done a lot to get you where you are and
41:23it's a really really nice thing not out
41:25of gratitude but but just out of
41:28remaining part of that relationship the
41:30idea of of touching base with
41:33folks stay in touch with your teachers
41:35of any form even stay in touch with the
41:38teachers that you didn't think were your
41:39teachers because you hated them if
41:41somebody taught you something they're
41:42your teacher I'm not saying call up your
41:45ex and say hey thanks all right
41:48uh but you know within the realm of
41:51normality within the realm of
41:53reasonableness reach out to the people
41:55that have helped you and say say hello
41:57and just let them know what you're doing
41:59you don't even have to say thanks people
42:01just like to hear Hello and so do that
42:04I'm going to stop uh I'm not sure if
42:06this is anywhere near what it is that
42:07you expected to hear when you got in
42:08here knowing that I was going to speak
42:10but it's what I wanted to talk about so
42:11we went with that um if there's any
42:13questions I'll take them we maybe for
42:15about 10 minutes or so8 to 10 minutes
42:16and then we'll we'll move on to the next
42:18speaker
42:32question yes ma'am I was pretty sure I'd
42:35managed to answer every question every
42:37student had but apparently not um
42:39question about
42:40quitting and how you manage perception
42:43around quitting because there's also the
42:45whole issue about Burning Bridges and so
42:48if after three months you go there
42:49realize you hate it how do you manage
42:51that because our society is not um
42:55socialized to think about quitting in
42:56the way that you have now presented it
42:58to us yeah uh so well there's two things
43:00there's the pressure you're going to get
43:01from people that have no stake in you
43:04quitting or not quitting but they just
43:05have expectations of you and then
43:06there's the people that you know the job
43:07you're quitting itself uh when I went to
43:09the consulting firm to quit I didn't
43:12just sort of call in and say I quit you
43:14know I sat down and I gave them the
43:16respect they deserved and I listened to
43:18them I was open I empathized I tried to
43:22have humility I may be wrong about this
43:23let's have a conversation about it but
43:25ultimately I also had to share with them
43:27why it was important for me to do
43:28something different and two kinds of
43:30responses came back most of the people I
43:34talked to during my exit interview were
43:36extremely supportive extremely
43:39supportive you know hey if this is what
43:41you think you got to do then then that's
43:42what you got to do and good for you
43:44better to know now than to later we
43:45understand because I hadn't been a jerk
43:48about it i' I'd been respectful about
43:49about the
43:50process there was one person who
43:52actually happened to have been the
43:53hiring manager who tore into me started
43:57telling me he's like you know what do
43:59you even know you've only been here 3
44:00months and then he went down this path
44:02about do you know how much the company
44:04invest and new hires for the first year
44:06we don't even make any money off of you
44:08you know and we spend all this stuff and
44:10now you're taking off and and I I was
44:12feeling bad you know I kind of
44:14understand that and after a while I
44:15stopped feeling bad because he wouldn't
44:16stop yelling at me and and again I was
44:19young and I would have maybe handled it
44:20differently now but at the time I said
44:21listen I think there's a misperception
44:24here you know I understand that you know
44:26the company Maybe lost a year by you
44:29know investing in me when they could
44:30have invested in someone else but do you
44:33really think I did this strategically do
44:35you think I got anything out of those
44:36three months that I'm going to be able
44:37to use for the rest of my life what C
44:39language programming you think I'm ever
44:41going to use that
44:42again I understand the consulting firm
44:44lost a year but I lost a year of my life
44:49and a year of my life is worth a lot
44:50more to me than a year of a new hire is
44:53worth to this firm I didn't do this
44:58out of some strategic desire to steal
45:00from you so you know you got to lay it
45:02out and you got to explain here's here's
45:04why I'm doing this to the extent that
45:05you don't get into those relationships
45:07in the first place the better but if
45:09you're there if you're if you have
45:11obligations meet your obligations if
45:13you're going to put them in a hard spot
45:16understand that respect that make sure
45:17you don't put them in a in a difficult
45:19situation but then don't waste time
45:21justifying to yourselves you should stay
45:23there longer than you should reality is
45:25always a little bit murkier but quit
45:27quit often takes you a long way as for
45:29the other people in your lives some of
45:31them will understand why you're doing
45:33something different and some won't but
45:36you know as I look to the MBA students
45:38at the business school
45:40here I mean how many of you would
45:42describe yourself first and foremost as
45:44an average Harvard Business School MBA
45:46student is that who you are are you the
45:48average Harvard Business School NBA
45:50student if
45:52not then don't fall into the social
45:55pressures of what it means to be the
45:56average Harvard Business School NBA
45:58student you're you you are also an MBA
46:01student that's where the create value
46:03part comes in like all of your peers you
46:06should be doing that but who Are You
46:08That Makes You Different that should be
46:10the guiding force and yes get there in a
46:13reasonable respectful
46:14way anything
46:17else you can throw out anything you want
46:21I'll probably answer
46:25it yes
46:34sir thank you very much Professor uh I
46:37want to ask question relating to uh
46:40empathy When you mention we tend to have
46:42little empathy to people very closest to
46:44and people we don't like to me I sort of
46:47understand the second part very it's
46:48very straightforward but do you happen
46:50to know why maybe psychologically we
46:52tend to have little empathy towards the
46:54people we care about the most
46:59probably two
47:00things you know when somebody fights
47:03with us or yells at us or doesn't seem
47:05to understand us it doesn't hurt so much
47:08when it's a stranger we can write off
47:11the stranger you don't even know me yeah
47:13you're crazy I don't have to see you
47:15again but when somebody close to us
47:17seems to be judging us seems to be
47:19attacking us seems to not understand us
47:21when we think they should I think our
47:23defenses go up pretty high and we become
47:27more emotional about it we get more
47:28angry about it and when you get into
47:29that state the last thing you're
47:30thinking about doing is well let me see
47:32it from your perspective so I think
47:34that's that's one of those reasons the
47:36second reason I think
47:38is we have established relationships and
47:41established patterns in our
47:43relationships you know whether it's with
47:45your spouse whether it's with your
47:46parents or with your kids you get into a
47:48certain routine and as a result of that
47:51routine you don't update often enough as
47:54that person is changing who they are
47:57if I asked you are you a different
47:59person now than you were five or 10
48:00years ago you'd say yes if I was to ask
48:03your parents that they may say no he's
48:04basically the same
48:06kid all right same thing with spouses is
48:10your husband or is your wife a different
48:11person now than they were five years ago
48:13basically the same person but when you
48:15ask that person are you different in
48:16this relationship they yeah I've grown a
48:17lot I've evolved we often don't see the
48:20growth
48:21coming in other people we judge them the
48:24way they always were I see this in
48:25family businesses all the time it's
48:27where it's worse where the disputes are
48:28the ugliest the father or mother who
48:31can't see the kid any differently than
48:32when they were 5 years old or 10 years
48:34old The Sibling who can't see their
48:36sibling even though now they're 45 years
48:38old any different than when they used to
48:39steal their toys and break them right we
48:43have to be better at updating when other
48:45people are trying they're trying to
48:46evolve they're trying to change they're
48:48trying to be better we got to stop using
48:50the same arguments with them that we
48:52were in the past same same judgment same
48:54language we have to update and
48:57we should feel less pressure to defend
48:59ourselves with the people that are
49:00attacking their close maybe it's a
49:01combination of the
49:05two yes
49:11sir thank you deac I think you should
49:14give this talk to the RC's before they
49:18graduate it's very
49:20powerful
49:21um I think everyone agrees with
49:24me I want to know the quit early quit
49:27often thing it works out when you're 21
49:3122 and you're kind of like okay by age
49:3328 I can quit my way to the ideal
49:36position and I can be really happy but a
49:38lot of us at least myself kind of moving
49:41into officially moving into
49:44adulthood
49:46and at least I try you're going through
49:48changes I know
49:52right so how would you there's an
49:55internal battle where we naturally seek
49:58we we're naturally kind of seeking to
49:59settle so there's an internal debate
50:02between doing crazy things and quitting
50:05and finding kind of your sweet spot and
50:07on the other hand just finding something
50:10that's stable and safe so how would you
50:11reconcile that battle for us in turn
50:14this is a serious problem but first just
50:16characterization wise crazy things in
50:19quitting uh I wouldn't say quitting is
50:21the crazy thing I think doing something
50:23for the rest of your life that's not
50:24right for you is crazy that's what's
50:27crazy let's do the normal thing up until
50:29we get to about 25 or 30 what's normal
50:32is not to do the same thing for too long
50:34you're in middle school for three years
50:35high school for four years college for
50:36four years work for a couple years grad
50:38school for two or three years you're
50:39constantly changing and you have lots of
50:41opportunities but when you get to about
50:4225 or 30 you're about to settle down I
50:45don't know too many people who stop
50:47growing at 25 or
50:4930 but we do have this pressure or the
50:53expectation that now we're going to be
50:54settled for the rest of our life
50:58for some people that's a real constraint
51:01you know their kids are going to go
51:02hungry if they don't keep doing what
51:03they're doing they didn't have an
51:05education this is the only thing they
51:06know how to do they don't even know how
51:08to get out of the village there there's
51:10real constraints so they're going to
51:11keep doing that because that's their
51:13only choice but for the rest of us what
51:15we perceive to be constraints aren't
51:17really
51:18constraints yes it's harder when I have
51:20three kids yes it's harder when I have a
51:22mortgage yes it's
51:23harder but it's not as hard as I make it
51:26out to be
51:27and in my own life I I'll give you my
51:29answer you know I don't have very fancy
51:32or or uh costly pastimes I don't buy
51:37very many luxury goods I don't go out to
51:39expensive restaurants even my favorite
51:41restaurant is now what it was in college
51:43which is Taco Bell
51:45uh and every so often uh my wife will
51:49ask me uh you know on a birthday or it's
51:52Christmas or it's you know our
51:53anniversary let's buy you something
51:55really nice let's buy you something that
51:58you'll really enjoy something let's
52:00spend some money on something and what I
52:03will often say is you know I already am
52:05spending my money on the most important
52:08luxury item I could think
52:09of the money that I have that looks like
52:12it's sitting in a bank is actually
52:15purchasing something very very important
52:17for
52:18me it's giving me the ability to quit
52:22whenever I want all that money that
52:24looks like I'm not spending that's what
52:26that is if I decide I don't think I'm
52:28going to decide this next year or even
52:3010 years from now but I may if I
52:32discover one day that this is no longer
52:33for you that what I should be doing with
52:35my life is something different it'll be
52:37more difficult than it was when it was
52:3821 but I foresee that and I make some
52:41arrangements for that what I would say
52:44is one luxury item if you can afford it
52:48you should certainly purchase is the
52:50freedom to quit whenever you want if the
52:53next paycheck won't show up for 2 3 four
52:555 years because of a change in
52:57trajectory and if you can afford it
52:58again it may be circumstances don't
53:00allow it but it shouldn't be choices
53:03that kept you down right though I will
53:05say this it's usually not the money that
53:08keeps us running down that same path
53:10It's usually the
53:11mindset money is important but mindset
53:14is the biggest problem we don't bother
53:17questioning we don't want to know we
53:19accept that you know work is work it's
53:20not supposed to be fun I'll be happy
53:22when I'm X I'll do this for eight or 10
53:24years then I'll do this
53:27those people keep doing that and then
53:29they or 60 or 70 or 80 and they look
53:32back and say this is what I did with my
53:34life or maybe they don't even ask that
53:36and they're perfectly happy I don't know
53:37but those that do you know this is the
53:39choice you have to make it's not it's
53:41going to get harder but you can prepare
53:43for it mentally and maybe even
53:46financially all right I'm going to be
53:48mindful of hitting just about 5 o' now
53:51uh it's been my pleasure uh being here
53:54with all of you uh hopefully it was a
53:56nice time for all of you as well stay in
53:58touch uh if you want to talk about this
54:00I'll stick around after Professor Moss's
54:02uh talk with you as well so I'll be here
54:04for a little while longer and if you
54:05ever want to reach out next week next
54:08month next year whether you're one of my
54:10students or not always feel comfortable
54:12to reach out to any of us here we like
54:14to hear from you good luck with what
54:15happens next

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