Pornography Isn't Your Problem | Jason Mahr | TEDxCincinnati — Transcript

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1. 0:00Translator: Peter van de Ven Reviewer: Mile Živković
2. 0:12Have you ever lived a lie?
3. 0:17What kind of impact did it make on you?
4. 0:20And on the lives of others around you?
5. 0:25For the past 20 years or so, for the better part of the last 20 years,
6. 0:30I've been a pastor.
7. 0:33I'm a religious man, I'm a family man, a man of faith,
8. 0:37and by admission, I'm a total hypocrite.
9. 0:42That's right.
10. 0:43I preached to people for years,
11. 0:46trying to get them to follow a strict set of rules
12. 0:49that I wasn't even willing to abide by.
13. 0:53And that's not the worst part.
14. 0:54As a pastor,
15. 0:56I was trying my best to make a positive impact in the lives of others,
16. 1:01but secretly I was involved in a relationship
17. 1:04that was taking over my life.
18. 1:07It was leaving me wounded and depressed,
19. 1:10unable to even manage the relationships that mattered to me.
20. 1:15So the best thing that could have happened was when I ended the relationship.
21. 1:20In a spirit of full disclosure, and to make things as awkward as possible,
22. 1:25I'm actually going to read to you
23. 1:27a few portions of the breakup letter I wrote for the relationship.
24. 1:33It goes like this: "When we first met,
25. 1:35it was just like any new and even secret dating relationship:
26. 1:39lots of attention, obsession, that constant feeling of being on a high.
27. 1:43I really couldn't get enough of you
28. 1:46because you were always there to pick me up when I felt down.
29. 1:50But then things changed.
30. 1:52Even though you always were able to make me feel good physically,
31. 1:55you had this way about you that made me feel terrible about myself inside.
32. 2:00And then came the realization that you were lying to me.
33. 2:04I realized you weren't even faithful to me:
34. 2:07You were in a relationship with almost all of my friends.
35. 2:12I was a fool to let you into my life and to believe your lies.
36. 2:18Now, since I broke up with you, it hasn't been easy,
37. 2:21but I've managed to get my family back, my marriage back,
38. 2:24and, most importantly, my heart, mind, and soul back.
39. 2:28Because believing the best about myself may seem like a leap,
40. 2:34but it is the best jump I've ever made.
41. 2:38So now, I'm inspired and I'm on a mission
42. 2:42to keep as many people as I can from being hurt by you.
43. 2:45And I'm not going to spare your feelings,
44. 2:49and say something like: 'Oh, don't worry. It's not you, it's me.'
45. 2:55Because dear pornography,
46. 3:02I'm glad things are over between us.
47. 3:05Stop trying to contact me,
48. 3:08because remember: It's not me, it's you."
49. 3:15I was able to write that letter
50. 3:18because I had an eye-opening moment, just a few weeks before.
51. 3:23On the verge of losing another job,
52. 3:26the church leader sat me down, he said: "Jason, I really believe in you,
53. 3:29but I believe that there's something broken inside of you that you can't see.
54. 3:34So instead of being another church that just casts you aside,
55. 3:37we're actually going to hire you a life coach
56. 3:39to figure out what's really going on inside."
57. 3:42In the course of the conversations with my life coach, Gary,
58. 3:46my struggle with pornography became the major topic of discussion.
59. 3:51When I revealed this struggle to Gary, he says: "You know what?
60. 3:55Thanks for being vulnerable, I appreciate that.
61. 3:58Now, the next step for you is to go back to that church leader,
62. 4:03and I want you to share with him what you just shared with me."
63. 4:08(Laughter)
64. 4:11"You want me to share my darkest secret
65. 4:13with someone that I respect and I want approval from?
66. 4:16You got to be kidding me."
67. 4:19Well, I took the leap,
68. 4:22and it didn't work out the way I wanted to.
69. 4:26I didn't get shamed, but I didn't get to keep my position either.
70. 4:30In order to stay employed,
71. 4:32I accepted a position at the church as a janitor, for the next year.
72. 4:38The eye-opening moment was when Gary said to me, "Jason,
73. 4:40did you know that porn isn't your problem?
74. 4:43Viewing porn is a behavior, just like any other addiction.
75. 4:47You are using porn to medicate the actual problem."
76. 4:51That changed my life
77. 4:53because it shifted my attention away from the behavior to the problem.
78. 4:57And what was the problem?
79. 4:59For me and almost every other addict, it's this: the need for approval.
80. 5:03I mean, who doesn't want approval?
81. 5:05Right?
82. 5:06But that became a problem because I could not handle rejection.
83. 5:10When we feel rejected, we get depressed.
84. 5:12When we get depressed,
85. 5:13we look for something to pick us up to make us feel better,
86. 5:16and that is where we open the door to all kinds of addictions in our lives.
87. 5:20My addiction of choice happened to be pornography,
88. 5:23just like 71% of men and 38% of women today.
89. 5:29This is a dangerous addiction
90. 5:30because it gives us an escape from reality,
91. 5:34but also a false sense of approval.
92. 5:36And this is the draw:
93. 5:39We become addicted to what makes us feel approved.
94. 5:44So my freedom didn't come from getting rid of porn,
95. 5:46even though that was a good thing,
96. 5:48but it came from learning how to handle rejection.
97. 5:53I learned that instead of letting rejection shape me,
98. 5:58I can learn from it,
99. 6:01and not become depressed, and have that need to feel approved.
100. 6:05You see,
101. 6:06how we handle rejection is the key, and that is always within our own control.
102. 6:13So when it comes to overcoming addiction:
103. 6:16Are we looking in the wrong place?
104. 6:20Addictions are just the symptom of a deeper problem.
105. 6:26Maybe the cure for addiction isn't even in striving for approval.
106. 6:31I'll leave you with this thought.
107. 6:34Imagine what would happen
108. 6:36if we wouldn't allow the rejection of life to negatively shape our identity.
109. 6:43Then we could focus on the root issue.
110. 6:45And with a little bit of humility, and a little bit of vulnerability,
111. 6:49healing takes place.
112. 6:51And my friends,
113. 6:52there's nothing hypocritical about that.
114. 6:56Thank you.
115. 6:57(Applause)