Please Don't Destroy - Election Night - SNL — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:03-Maybe a sketch about the midterms?
2. 0:04-Mm. -Oh.
3. 0:06-What are the midterms? -I don't know.
4. 0:07-I'm not sure at all. [ Knock on door ]
5. 0:09-Hey, guys. -Molly.
6. 0:10-Hey. -Hey.
7. 0:12-Do you guys know anything about politics?
8. 0:14-Uh, why? You need help writing a sketch?
9. 0:16-No, no, no, sir. Something b--
10. 0:18Something very bad has happened.
11. 0:19-What's going on? -Look.
12. 0:21-In a shocking upset victory,
13. 0:23your new attorney general of Ohio
14. 0:25is political newcomer...
15. 0:27Molly Kearney.
16. 0:29-What the hell?
17. 0:30-Molly Kearney.
18. 0:33-Oh, no!
19. 0:34-Oh, my God.
20. 0:35-I don't want to be eternal general.
21. 0:37-How did this happen?
22. 0:38-For a look at how it all started,
23. 0:40we go to our political correspondent Steve Kornacki.
24. 0:42-Steve Kornacki?! -Well, thanks, Mike.
25. 0:45Well, from what we can tell,
26. 0:46the campaign all began with a viral tweet.
27. 0:49-Oh, my God.
28. 0:50-"I lowkey feel like I'd make a good Ohio attorney general.
29. 0:54LMAO!!! #InMyFeelings"
30. 0:58-I got to stop tweeting drunk.
31. 1:00-This is just an unprecedented win
32. 1:02for the 30-year-old "SNL" background extra.
33. 1:06-Come on, man. I'm on the cast.
34. 1:08-Don't you have to be, like, a lawyer to do this?
35. 1:09Have you passed the bar.
36. 1:11-Brother, I don't pass the bar. I only go in.
37. 1:13[ Chuckles ]
38. 1:14-What?! Was that a joke?!
39. 1:16-You know what? This is all gonna be okay.
40. 1:18We have some time to figure it out.
41. 1:20-In just 20 minutes, we'll be hearing Kearney's big speech.
42. 1:23-A speech? -Oh, no.
43. 1:25-Okay, guys, I think I know what we got to do.
44. 1:26-This election is a fraud!
45. 1:28Don't believe fake-news media!
46. 1:30-Molly. Molly. -Molly, Molly, no,
47. 1:32we can help you. -Really?
48. 1:33-Yeah, we'll be your chiefs of staff.
49. 1:34-Alright, what do we got to do now?
50. 1:36-First things first, you got to get a new look.
51. 1:37-What? I like my look.
52. 1:39-Get real. You look like a little-league umpire.
53. 1:40-You're right.
54. 1:41-We got to give you the full C-SPAN -- now.
55. 1:45-Are people gonna like this? I look like a Lego guy.
56. 1:48-Exactly.
57. 1:49-And we got you a new camera-ready Christian family.
58. 1:52-Oh, I don't need --
59. 1:53-We're so proud of you, honey.
60. 1:55-Well, hello, Mrs. Kearney.
61. 1:58-Looking good, you guys.
62. 2:00Don't you [bleep] this up for me.
63. 2:01-Molly, you're gonna want to see this.
64. 2:03-Is this really who Ohio deserves?
65. 2:06-Brother, I don't pass the bar. I only go in.
66. 2:08-Molly Kearney is a delusional alcoholic
67. 2:11and a nearly 40-year-old "SNL" stagehand.
68. 2:14-I'm on the cast!
69. 2:16-We're just five minutes away now from the big speech,
70. 2:19and, according to Ohio law, if that speech is bad,
71. 2:22Molly will be sent straight to jail.
72. 2:25-Aw! -Jail?
73. 2:26I'm gonna throw up.
74. 2:28-Quick. We need a platform. What's something you believe in?
75. 2:30-♪ I believe in a thing called love ♪
76. 2:31-No, like, what do you think of the death penalty?
77. 2:33-It's a good title for a movie.
78. 2:35-We just need one real policy.
79. 2:36-Every day's Christmas.
80. 2:38-That would never work, you dumb son of a bitch,
81. 2:40because Christmas wouldn't be as special that way.
82. 2:43-Think.
83. 2:44-Are A.G.s even involved in policymaking?
84. 2:47-Lucas, out -- now.
85. 2:49-Security.
86. 2:51-[ Speaks indistinctly ]
87. 2:52-Would you look at that? It's time for Molly's speech.
88. 2:56Uh, I'm here.
89. 2:57-[ Gasps ] -Oh, my God.
90. 2:58-Time's up, Molly.
91. 2:59America's watching.
92. 3:00-You got this. Come on. -You got it.
93. 3:04-Well, I just want to say that I may not have a law degree,
94. 3:08but what I do have is a real big heart.
95. 3:11Ohio, let's do this thing.