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تئاتر آدم‌ها، مکان‌ها و چیزها + زیرنویس فارسی | People, Places and Things (2024) — Transcript

by Reza Rosebud · 16,349 words · 2,821 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:49theater. It can show us who we are, who
0:52we were, and who we could be.
0:56It means imagining bigger, understanding
0:59better, feeling together on our stages
1:04and on tour, in schools
1:07and with communities, on cinema screens
1:10worldwide and now at home. We are the
1:14National Theater and we make theater for
1:18everyone. [music]
1:29Art helps us to see the world in new
1:31ways. [music] The stories behind great
1:33works help to bring them to life. And
1:35hearing them shouldn't be a privilege.
1:37That's why [music] we built Bloomberg
1:39Connects,
1:40>> an app that lets you discover a growing
1:42number of museums, [music]
1:43gardens, and parks, behindthe-scenes
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1:50right in the palm [music] of your hand.
1:52Bloomberg Connects offers a world of
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2:00look into the world of art through
2:02Bloomberg Connects.
2:22>> Good evening and welcome to theater.
2:25Please take a moment now to ensure
2:3990 years on this earth. My youth robbed
2:42from me. I've cursed you, Nina. Ripped
2:46up your photographs and letters, but
2:47it's no use. I see your face everywhere.
2:52I say your name. I kiss the ground. You
2:55walk on. I'm bound to you forever.
2:59And now you're here.
3:04I'm sad,
3:06lonely. Utterly alone, and cold, as if
3:09I've been imprisoned underground. And
3:11everything I write is so bleak.
3:14Nina,
3:16stay here. I beg you. Stay here or let
3:19me go with you. Nina. Nina, for God's
3:22sake, Nina,
3:22>> my carriage is waiting. Don't walk me
3:24out. Can I have some water, please?
3:27>> Where would he go?
3:27>> Is Arena Arin here?
3:29>> Yes. Uncle was taken ill.
3:30>> Why did you say you worship the ground I
3:33walk on?
3:35I'm not fit to live.
3:38Death. [gasps] Death is what I deserve.
3:46I'm so tired.
3:48[gasps] I need to sleep.
3:53>> [gasps]
3:53>> I'm a seagull.
3:56No, [clears throat] that's not right.
3:59I'm an actress.
4:02He's here, too, isn't he? Of course. It
4:05doesn't matter. He didn't believe in the
4:07stage. He laughed at me.
4:10I don't believe in it either. Not now.
4:14Not now that I've had real problems.
4:16Real things have happened.
4:19My heart is broken.
4:23I don't know what to do with my hands
4:25when I'm on stage. I'm not real. I'm
4:29I'm a seagull.
4:32No, that's wrong, too.
4:36You shot a seagull. Do you remember
4:39earlier in the play? I mean the story. I
4:43mean long ago. you.
4:47No, not you. What was I saying? I was
4:51talking about the theater. I love
4:53acting. I'm a real actress. I was a real
4:57actress. Will you come and see me when
4:59I'm a real actress? I'm different now
5:02and I feel better and better every day.
5:04You don't need to worry about me
5:06anymore. I have faith.
5:09>> Lean up.
5:10>> Things don't hurt me so much anymore.
5:12I'm not afraid. Em.
5:14>> Nina.
5:16>> Nina.
5:20>> Nina. [gasps]
5:22>> Emma.
5:23Emma.
5:26[screaming]
6:07Just this one thing. Can you please do
6:10this one thing for me, please? I'm just
6:13asking for No, listen. Listen to me.
6:17Listen to me for a second. Okay. All
6:19right. Please. This is important to me.
6:22I'm trying to do something for once in
6:25my life. I'm trying to do something for
6:27myself. And
6:30don't be like that. WHY'D YOU HAVE TO BE
6:32LIKE THAT?
6:34NO. LISTEN, PLEASE. WELL, BECAUSE RIGHT
6:37NOW YOU'RE BEING A COMPLETE [ __ ]
6:40YEAH. WELL, I'm sorry you hate that
6:42word. It's unfortunate cuz in one
6:44syllable it so perfectly describes your
6:46entire personality.
6:50Look, obviously I've called the wrong
6:52person. Obviously, you're unable to help
6:56me. You can't give me half an hour to do
6:58something that might save my life.
7:02Yes, it is that serious.
7:05I AM NOT BEING DRAMATIC. THAT IS SUCH a
7:08[ __ ] thing to say.
7:11>> Well, I'll stop calling you a [ __ ] when
7:13you stop being a [ __ ]
7:17No, listen.
7:19Mom.
7:21[laughter]
7:22Mom, listen. Please. Mom, you're all
7:25you're you're already in my flat. Just
7:29Yeah. Yeah. There's a large clear
7:33plastic box in the hallway on or like a
7:37big plastic box. It's see-through. I
7:41don't know how else to describe it.
7:43Yeah. Yeah. That's just unread post.
7:45Just tip that out. But I don't know the
7:48floor. It's bills. Mom, I'll deal with
7:50it when I get home.
7:52Okay. Right now, fill the box with
7:54anything that looks, you know, medical
7:56or Yes. Alcohol, of course. Yes. and
8:00anything that looks like drugs and
8:04[snorts]
8:05Right. Okay.
8:07On the coffee table in the living room,
8:10there's a wooden box. You see it? Yeah.
8:13Don't look inside. Just chuck it. Yeah,
8:16I know. Yeah, I know. I know. It's the
8:19one dad got me. I know that. But
8:23that's not what I used it for.
8:32Will you please just chuck it out? Okay.
8:36All right. Now, the kitchen. You found
8:38all that. Great. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.
8:41Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Oh, and and the
8:44cupboard under the sink.
8:46No. No. To the left. Oh, and the oven.
8:52Okay. Now, open the oven.
8:55Well, because I don't use it, MOM. I
8:58DON'T COOK.
9:01WELL, just put it in the box with the
9:03rest of it.
9:06[gasps]
9:07Another bathroom. But mom, listen.
9:09Listen. I want you to just
9:12don't be shocked. Okay.
9:22>> Oh, yeah. But that's why I'm here, Mom.
9:26I am.
9:28I am. I'm trying to get myself well.
9:32No, I am not smoking.
9:36Mom, I really need you. Yeah.
9:40Yeah. Okay, Mom. Thank you. THEY'RE
9:44TRYING TO TAKE IT ALL OUT OF US, DRAIN
9:47OUR BLOOD, AND USE IT FOR GOLD. THIS IS
9:49GOLD, AND THEY'RE SCARED OF ITS POWER.
9:51[screaming]
9:52AND THEY'RE RIGHT. THEY'RE RIGHT.
9:54THEY'RE RIGHT. THEY SHOULD BE SCARED.
9:56THEY SHOULD BE TERRIFIED.
9:58>> MOM, I HAVE TO GO.
9:59>> MR. WAVERLY.
10:00>> WAVERLY.
10:00>> LET'S GO BACK INSIDE.
10:02>> WE ARE GOD. WE ARE PAN LIFE. AND WE WILL
10:05NEVER SURRENDER.
10:07>> UH, YOU CAN'T smoke in here.
10:09>> Oh, what?
10:09>> You can't smoke in here.
10:11>> IT'S A MEDICAL BUILDING. IT'S MEDICAL.
10:14YOU CAN SMOKE OUTSIDE.
10:16>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU. IT'S A
10:18MEDICAL BUILDING. IT'S PART OF A MEDICAL
10:20BUILDING. YOU CAN'T
10:22>> WE CAN HAVE A TICKET OUTSIDE AND PUT IT
10:24OUT. THOSE ARE YOUR OPTIONS. DOCTOR,
10:25PLEASE COME AND RECEPTION.
10:28>> THERE ISN'T an ashtray. No, IT'S A
10:30MEDICAL BUILDING. I'M NOT BEING PETTED.
10:34>> BUT THERE HAS TO BE RULES OR THINGS
10:36DESCEND INTO CHAOS.
10:37>> I CAN SEE WHAT WE NEED TO DO. YOU CAN
10:39SEE IT TOO, CAN'T YOU? IT SHOULD ALL BE
10:41[screaming] DONE.
10:46[groaning]
10:49>> THINGS NEED TO CHANGE WHAT THEY WANT.
10:51THERE'LL BE SO MUCH STUFF ONE AFTER
10:54ANOTHER. THEY'RE MARRIED ALL AT ONCE.
10:57It'll be such a loud party. [cheering]
11:02[screaming]
11:03>> WE'RE GOING TO ASK FOR EVERYTHING. BUT
11:06YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO BEGIN WITH.
11:08NOTHING. NEVER SURRENDER.
11:11>> EVERYONE BACK INSIDE, PLEASE.
11:15>> Checking in or picking up?
11:18>> Is he okay?
11:19>> Are you checking in? Um
11:21>> uh if you'd like to finish your
11:22cigarette outside, I'LL CHECK YOU IN.
11:24>> I'M SORRY.
11:25>> Do you have anyone with you?
11:26>> Yeah. No, actually, yeah. I think I'm
11:29just going to go outside first.
11:31>> YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR BAGS.
11:32>> YEAH. NO, I'll just I'm going to just
11:34>> How about we check you in first and then
11:36you must do
11:37>> just a few questions
11:38>> like
11:39>> like what's your name?
11:43>> The questions do get harder, so you may
11:45want to
11:47>> No, I'd like to um
11:48>> anonymity.
11:49>> Yeah. something like that.
11:50>> The privacy policy is all on the back of
11:52the form. It's important to read and
11:54sign that, too. But your recovery
11:56depends on you being completely truthful
11:58while you're here. Do you understand
11:59that?
12:02>> So, what name shall I put on the form?
12:05>> Nina.
12:06>> Right. Nice to meet you, Nina. All the
12:08forms are quite self-explanatory. I'll
12:10need a bunch of signatures. Oh, and I'll
12:12need your phone. And if you got A
12:14LAPTOP, IPAD, ANY
12:15>> I NEED MY PHONE.
12:17>> YEAH. NO, it's it's policy. It it's like
12:20the policy about smoking.
12:23>> Oh, I saw I put that out.
12:25>> You didn't.
12:25>> Right. Sorry. It's just this is my last
12:28cigarette. Once it's out, I'm
12:31>> We'll look after your devices for you.
12:33Then once YOU FINISHED YOUR RECOVERY,
12:34>> I'M WAITING TO HEAR ABOUT this thing. I
12:37need my phone because there's this thing
12:38I'm
12:39>> Tell Nina, when did you last use?
12:42>> What?
12:44Blunt, I know, but more than a week or
12:47less
12:48>> in the last 72 hours, the last 24.
12:54>> Are you high right now?
13:01>> Can you tell me what you've taken?
13:03>> I just needed something to get me here.
13:06>> Look, it's important to be accurate so
13:08we know how to treat you, and it won't
13:09help you to lie. You're going to have a
13:11full medical and history taken to you.
13:12Maybe
13:13>> I drank a beer and I smoked some weed.
13:16>> Right. What alcohol did you drink and
13:17how much?
13:18>> Some wine. Red wine. Rioa.
13:23It's quite an expensive one.
13:25>> Okay.
13:26>> And some gin. I was anxious about coming
13:29here. I just wanted to take the edge
13:31off.
13:31>> Hey Nina, I'm not judging. I just need
13:33an actual
13:33>> a couple of beta blockers and some
13:36ibuprofen too, right? and some speed
13:39just to balance me out and get get me
13:42motivated.
13:44>> And how long ago did you check the
13:46speed?
13:46>> Well, I don't know. Like ages.
13:50>> And is that everything from the last 24
13:52hours, Nina?
13:53>> Oh, about half a gram of Coke
13:56and a multivitamin.
14:01>> Any prescriptions?
14:02>> Yeah. For anxiety? Yeah. volume and
14:05benzo and adiva and adaban
14:10>> and you smoke
14:11>> until you snow,
14:13>> right?
14:14>> Is that important?
14:15>> Oh, there's a checklist. I'M JUST
14:16>> YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO FILL YOUR BINGO
14:18CARD.
14:19>> YEAH. [laughter] YEAH.
14:23YEAH. That's funny.
14:26So, tell me, uh, Nina, how did you get
14:29here today?
14:30>> I drove.
14:32[laughter]
14:33It It's fine. It's fine. I'm a really
14:36GOOD DRIVER AND I'M I'm okay overall.
14:40It's not a problem. I am my using I just
14:43I want a tuneup. I'm not completely in
14:47control of it anymore. I've had I've had
14:50some problems at work because of it and
14:52some blackouts and I think I tried to
14:55kill myself. So, I'm just
14:56>> blackouts.
14:58>> Yeah. A few Yeah.
15:00>> But I'm actually quite healthy. I I I I
15:03know I'm not giving you that impression,
15:06but I go to the gym
15:09sometimes.
15:11>> Is there a contact I can have a partner
15:14or
15:14>> no
15:15>> a family member or we won't contact them
15:19unless it's an emergency
15:21>> WORK COLLEAGUE?
15:22>> MY MOM MOM,
15:24>> RIGHT?
15:25>> Pop her details on the form and then
15:27I'll take you through for your medical.
15:29Maybe you you won't contact her unless
15:31>> unless there's an emergency.
15:34>> I'll let them know you're ready. And
15:36Nina, don't go anywhere.
15:40>> Whoever you are, I've always depended on
15:44the kindness of strangers.
15:47[laughter]
16:14Nina.
16:16Nina, excuse me. Hello.
16:18>> Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, that's me.
16:22Well, the good news is this looks
16:24perfectly normal.
16:25>> What's that?
16:26>> It's your stool sample.
16:28>> It's not mine.
16:29>> Oh, really?
16:33>> What?
16:38[laughter]
16:39>> Falafel. It's falafel.
16:44I'm making a joke. I didn't finish
16:46lunch.
16:50Seriously though,
16:53you may have to do a stool sample.
16:56Has she done a UDA?
16:57>> What's that?
16:58>> It's urine.
16:59>> Not yet, doctor.
17:00>> Can I have some water, please?
17:02>> So, your name is Nina.
17:05>> Yeah. Why are you saying it like that?
17:08>> And you are an alcoholic and a drug
17:10addict?
17:11>> [ __ ] hell,
17:13>> aren't you?
17:14>> Well, why else would you be here?
17:16>> 160 over 110. Oh, your recovery can't
17:19start until you admit you have a
17:21problem.
17:21>> This was a mistake.
17:23>> Oh, you're not an alcoholic and a drug
17:25addict.
17:26>> I'm not saying I'm anything. I just I
17:28just want to get clean and get my
17:30certificate and get back to work.
17:32>> Certificate?
17:33>> Yeah, like a piece of paper signed,
17:36whatever. Something that says I can work
17:38that I'm not a risk.
17:40>> Once you complete the program,
17:42>> how long is that going to take?
17:43>> Well, it varies. First, I'll need to see
17:45your results and take a history, a
17:48psychological examination.
17:49>> Anyway, we could just speed all of this
17:51along.
17:52>> Benzo, Daisine, and Laurazipan.
17:55>> They're for anxiet. Yeah, it's a
17:57prescription.
17:58>> And do you use beyond your prescription?
18:02>> I have a few GPS
18:06and I get some online and from some
18:09people that I know.
18:11>> And has your use of pills impacted on
18:13you? and those around you. Work,
18:16relationships, family.
18:17>> I was at work and I was confused about
18:20where I was, who I was.
18:22>> Dissociation.
18:24>> Yes. So, you look like my mother.
18:28>> Oh, that's projection. Assigning
18:30familiar attributes onto an authority
18:33figure.
18:34>> No, you really [ __ ] look like her.
18:38>> Now, detoxing from benzo takes about 10
18:40days.
18:41>> 10 days? You will start tonight and then
18:43tomorrow morning you can begin with
18:45group.
18:45>> No, no, no. I don't need that. I just
18:48need the first thing.
18:50>> Nina, the group is the program.
18:53>> Well, truth is, it doesn't take long to
18:55get everything out of your body. But
18:57it's the behavior, the psychology that's
19:00the important thing to address. And we
19:02can't do that till we've dealt with the
19:03physical symptoms. And then it's 28 days
19:07of therapy. Well, ideally closer to 90.
19:1090. No, that's not possible.
19:15>> Tell me, Nina, how do you think this
19:18story ends?
19:19>> What story?
19:21>> You your life, how will it play out, do
19:25you think, if you don't prioritize
19:26getting well?
19:27>> I'm not ill.
19:29>> Blackouts?
19:30>> A few. Yeah.
19:32>> Memory loss?
19:33>> Uh, sometimes, I think. Yes. No. No.
19:37It's more like time travel.
19:39One minute I'll be talking to someone
19:42and then the next I'll be walking in the
19:44road. CAN I HAVE SOME WATER, PLEASE?
19:48>> You have water?
19:50>> No.
19:52>> 130. [laughter]
19:54Uh, look at me.
19:57Oh, I know you, don't I?
20:00>> But I just have one of those faces.
20:02>> What's your occupation?
20:04>> Is that one of the questions? It is.
20:06>> Is it important?
20:07>> Well, is it a secret? How are you with
20:09needles?
20:10>> Excuse me.
20:13[screaming]
20:16>> Uh, do you often pass out?
20:19>> I guess so. I wake up places.
20:22>> And do you feel like you might pass out
20:24now?
20:24>> A little. Yeah.
20:27>> Now, it says here, "Suicide attempt."
20:30>> Well, not a successful one, [laughter]
20:33>> evidently.
20:34>> That's me. Never seen anything through.
20:37Violin lessons, diet, suicide attempts.
20:41Never finish what I start.
20:45>> If you're trying to be funny, can you
20:46let me know? Because it's not
20:48immediately obvious. Now, memory loss.
20:51>> Didn't you just ask me that?
20:54>> And Nina, I would like to hear you say
20:56that you need my help. I feel
20:59uncomfortable giving you help when you
21:02haven't asked for it.
21:03>> I've been managing just fine. And when I
21:07look at your blood results, will I see
21:08you're just fine or will I see something
21:11else?
21:13If you don't want help, then why are you
21:16here?
21:17>> Oh, yeah. I am.
21:18>> I'm sorry.
21:20>> I said I don't know if I am
21:24>> here.
21:30>> Now, GIVE HER SOME SPACE, PLEASE. STAND
21:33BACK.
21:34>> GET THE [ __ ] OFF [screaming] ME. HELP
21:35ME.
21:36>> NO, YOU CAN LEAVE us now. It's okay.
21:40[screaming]
21:43>> Do you know where you are, Nina?
21:45>> Who's Nina?
21:47>> Do you need to be sick? It might help.
21:50>> I shouldn't be here.
21:52>> It's pretty obvious you should. You came
21:54here for a reason, and that was a good
21:57impulse.
21:58Your addiction will fight any progress.
22:02is a parasite and it will fight for its
22:04own survival until you're dead. But
22:07progress is possible. I just need to
22:10hear you say that you are willing and
22:12motivated to make changes.
22:16>> I [screaming] CAST YOU OUT UNCLEAN
22:19SPIRIT.
22:22>> You know like from the exorcist.
22:25Your mother sucks [ __ ] in hell.
22:30>> I haven't seen it. Oh,
22:32>> really?
22:33>> Are you willing and motiv?
22:34>> You've never seen the exorcist.
22:38>> I can't help you unless you
22:40>> My mother's gone to my flat and she's
22:44boxed up everything. Bottles and pills
22:47and everything.
22:48>> Oh, that's good. That's a very clear
22:51commitment to getting well.
22:52>> And there was blood on the bathroom
22:54walls.
22:57She'll have seen that. Oh, not my blood.
23:00Not all of it. Anyway, needles aren't my
23:03thing. Lucky for me,
23:08she's probably still there now.
23:10Maragold's on
23:12scrubbing away.
23:17I know that the next time I drink or
23:20use,
23:22I know that will be it.
23:25I'll be dead.
23:28I don't think I knew that until right
23:30now. Until I literally just said it, but
23:33it's true.
23:37It's going to kill me.
23:41Oh, yeah. Yeah. I need help. Please help
23:43me. Help me. Could Foster come to
23:45medical, please? Foster to medical.
23:50Withdrawal from benzoizipines
23:54can be physically and emotionally very
23:57tough.
23:59You'll likely hallucinate and your body
24:02will be put under a lot of stress. So,
24:05I'm going to give you some medication
24:06that will stabilize you and help reduce
24:09your risk of seizure
24:11and some bzzoizopene at a reduced
24:14dosage. Now, I understand you've come
24:18here to get off drugs, not to take more.
24:20So, you might be reluctant to take the
24:22[laughter]
24:25>> right.
24:27Good.
24:29Okay.
24:31>> Hi. Did you
24:32>> Oh, just wait a moment, please. Foster.
24:35Now, we will be monitoring you, checking
24:39in regularly, and you'll have in your
24:42room there are cords and buzzers for
24:45when you need help. And don't be afraid
24:48to ask for it.
24:55>> Come with me.
25:09You're lucky.
25:12Everyone else is sharing, but you're an
25:14odd number.
25:17Ah, it's it's snowing.
25:20If you want to ask me anything, let me
25:22know. I'm an old hand at this
25:28hat. Is it Is it old hat or old hand?
25:32Smells of disinfectant.
25:34>> Well, if madam would prefer a room that
25:36smells of vomit and diarrhea, I'm sure
25:38she can be accommodated.
25:39>> I'm just saying
25:40>> it's a medical building. It's not a
25:43hotel.
25:44>> This will be fine.
25:50>> Did uh
25:53did the doctor ask about your suicide
25:55attempt?
25:56>> Excuse me.
25:57>> What's one of the site questions? If
25:59you're thinking of or planning to kill
26:01yourself, you said you'd try to,
26:03>> right?
26:04>> Well, this bit can get pretty tough. I
26:06don't want to come in and find you dead
26:08on the floor.
26:10>> That sort of clean up, the the the the
26:12paperwork, it's just a massive headache
26:14for me that I don't need.
26:18>> Nah, you'll be fine.
26:20Best thing about detoxes is once you've
26:22been through it once, you'd do anything
26:24to not have to go through it again.
26:26Here, some reading material you may find
26:29useful.
26:30>> It's not a [ __ ] Bible.
26:32>> Not exactly.
26:34Oh, and you didn't fill out that form.
26:36You were going to give me that contact
26:37info for your mom.
26:38>> Yeah, I will. I'll do it tomorrow.
26:41>> Make sure you do.
26:43>> Foster, is it?
26:45>> Yeah.
26:46>> I'm a little bit
26:52>> scared.
26:56Do you want to see a picture of my dog?
27:00>> She's a mongrel. Mostly English mastiff
27:04refuge dog used for fighting and left
27:06for dead. She look her ear isn't all
27:08there and she's blind in her right eye.
27:11>> Kennel were going to put her down. So I
27:12just took her home with me. She's she's
27:14impossible to heist train.
27:16>> Destroyed almost everything I own. She's
27:19bit my right ankle, both my calves, my
27:22knee, my elbow, my hand. Here, here, and
27:26here and my shoulder. Her name's Ellena.
27:31I love that dog.
27:34>> How come you're allowed a phone?
27:36>> Uh, because I work here.
27:38>> Oh, can I borrow it?
27:40>> There's a buzzer by the bed and a cord
27:41in the bathroom. We'll come in and check
27:43on you. Make sure you don't choke on
27:45your own, vomit, or hit your head if you
27:47start fitting.
27:49>> Did you take the meds?
27:51>> It's much better with the meds.
27:54Hang in there.
27:56>> This is the easy part.
28:46Good Morning. It's time to meet the
28:48group.
28:49>> I'm not ready.
28:51>> DON'T DO THIS ALONE.
28:52>> OH, [ __ ] OFF. [screaming]
28:58>> I understand you don't feel ready to
29:00join the group. [screaming]
29:08God, grant me the serenity to accept the
29:12things I cannot change, the courage to
29:14change the things I can, and the wisdom
29:17to know the difference.
29:26>> Isolation is the first step towards
29:28relapse.
29:31The work is done in group by the group.
29:39>> You have to take part in the group. I'm
29:41afraid we're pretty strict about this.
29:43You can't just pick and choose what to
29:45take part in. You have to do everything.
29:48>> They want everything, BUT YOU'VE GOT
29:50NOTHING TO BEGIN WITH.
29:58I need to ask you a few questions to get
30:01a sense of the historical context for
30:03your use.
30:04>> It doesn't work. It doesn't work like
30:06that.
30:11>> Please understand that if you refuse to
30:13take part in the group, you will be
30:15required to leave treatment. We're going
30:18to send you home. I'll have to call your
30:20mother.
30:49Good morning.
30:52Well, uh, [clears throat] afternoon
30:54technically.
30:57>> What day is it?
30:59>> How you feeling?
31:02>> Like the worst is over. [laughter]
31:07>> Well, what's it going to be? Are you
31:08going to speak to the therapist and join
31:10the group, or am I going to have
31:12security throw you out into the street?
31:14Huh?
31:18Uh, what are you doing?
31:22I'm getting ready.
31:23>> Oh, well, you don't have to do that
31:24here. I mean, you can, but
31:30>> three things. One,
31:33over the next few days, you're going to
31:35cry at things you wouldn't ordinarily
31:37cry at, and it won't be easy to stop.
31:39This is normal. Two, from this moment
31:42on, you're going to drink more coffee
31:44than you should. You won't even notice
31:46you're doing it. You'll just always have
31:47a cup in your hand. You have to watch
31:49that because it messes with sleep and
31:52you're going to need to sleep more than
31:53before.
31:55[clears throat]
31:55And three, you have to be completely
31:58truthful or the process won't work.
32:00There's no judgment in here. Every one
32:02of us is here for the same reason. And
32:04we're all very good at lying. We're also
32:07good at spotting liars.
32:11>> It's great coffee.
32:12>> Prime example, it's terrible coffee.
32:16Are you ready to begin?
32:18No.
32:35Let's start with your name, shall we?
32:38Your real name?
32:42>> Emma.
32:43>> Emma. Good. How you feeling? like my
32:47insides have been scrubbed with bleach.
32:49>> All right, vivid. Uh, Emma, before you
32:53join the group, I need to get some
32:55historical context for your using
32:57>> that A led to B and therefore C.
32:59>> Exactly.
33:00>> Beginning, middle, end.
33:02>> Well, isn't that how life works?
33:03>> No.
33:04>> How does life work?
33:06>> You have a lot of certificates.
33:08It's impressive. I've not got that.
33:10>> Well, you didn't go to university.
33:12>> No, no, I went to loads. Just not for
33:14long. Never got that scroll. I can't
33:17give you a letter for work, Emma. Not
33:19until you complete the program.
33:21>> 28 days. No,
33:22>> at least.
33:22>> But the thing is, I came here to get
33:24everything out of my system, and now I
33:25have nearly. And I really feel ready to
33:27get back out into the real world.
33:28>> You have addressed the chemical hooks,
33:31not the central cause of your addiction,
33:33>> which is
33:34>> trauma. You've done the first stage.
33:37>> I can leave when I want, right?
33:39>> Oh, absolutely. Yes.
33:40>> Okay, great. This has been fun. I'll
33:41never use again. Brownies honor her.
33:42Goodbye.
33:43>> Emma, you really should. You can leave
33:45us now. Thank you, Foster. Sit down.
33:50>> You even sound like my mother. Um, I
33:53don't know if this is your copy or
33:55Fosters, but I've made some corrections.
33:59>> Corrections?
34:00>> Amendments, notes, and things. Have you
34:02actually read that thing,
34:04>> Emma? The program works for a lot of
34:06people.
34:06>> Except you don't know that. Nobody does.
34:08It's all anonymous. There's nothing
34:09evidence-based. It's all anecdotal. So,
34:11if it's vital to my recovery that I come
34:13to believe in a power greater than me,
34:15that I turn my life over to God and have
34:18him remove my defects OF CHARACTER. IF
34:20ALL of this depends upon me having a
34:23spiritual awakening, then I think we
34:24might all be wasting our time.
34:26>> We're not.
34:26>> Oh, I think we might be.
34:29>> You're worried about the steps?
34:31>> No, I'm worried that a trained medical
34:33professional with this many certificates
34:35can also be wearing a crucifix.
34:38I don't believe the scientific method
34:40disproves the existence.
34:42>> SUCH A BORING CONVERSATION. OF COURSE IT
34:43DOES. OF COURSE IT [ __ ] DOES. OH,
34:46>> I really need you to be cleverer than
34:47this. I really need you to at least
34:51match me intellectually. Otherwise, I'm
34:53going to leave. And if I leave, I don't
34:54know if I'm
34:58not powerless. I am not helpless. I
35:01don't believe addiction is a disease.
35:03And I'm scared and angered by the
35:04suggestion that from now on it's either
35:06eternal abstinence or binge to death. I
35:09can't surrender to a higher power
35:11because there isn't one. There just
35:12isn't. And you, as someone who lives in
35:14the 21st century, you should know this,
35:16>> Emma.
35:17>> I wake up in wet sheets.
35:21In places I don't recognize, with
35:23bruises I can't account for, men I don't
35:25know. I've stolen from people. I've
35:26slept on the streets. I'm in trouble. I
35:28know that. But this book, this process
35:31can't help me. You can't help me.
35:35[snorts]
35:35>> I see a lot of clever people in here.
35:38You know, people who drink or use
35:41because they just can't stop their big
35:43brains from thinking, thinking,
35:45thinking. Does that sound familiar?
35:48>> You want me to conceptualize a universe
35:51in which I am the sole agent of my
35:55destiny while at the same time
35:56acknowledge my absolute powerlessness.
35:59It's a fatal contradiction and I won't
36:01start building foundations on a flawed
36:02premise.
36:03>> That is not a fair character.
36:04>> There is no meaning to anything. There
36:06are no beginnings, middles, and ends. I
36:08am not the product of the decisions I've
36:09made or the things that have happened to
36:11me. I will not be reduced to that.
36:14>> I'm not suggesting the truth.
36:15>> My brother died of a brain hemorrhage
36:18while reading Pinocchio to a group of
36:195-year-olds.
36:21Mark, he was two years younger than me
36:24and he never touched drugs or alcohol.
36:26He ran [ __ ] marathons for charity. I
36:30mean, I should have died a thousand
36:31times, but it was him who
36:35If I tell you
36:38I was sexually abused or the child of
36:41alcoholics, if I say I returned from
36:43backtoback tours of Iraq and started to
36:46self-medicate, wouldn't that all just be
36:48a massive simplification of the
36:49complexity of just being a human [ __ ]
36:51person?
36:52>> Were you?
36:53>> Was I what? sexually abused. No, that's
36:56not
36:56>> because we'll also have to do a full
36:59sexual history.
37:00>> You're not listening to what I
37:07first got drunk
37:09with my brother when I was 11 and he was
37:1210. I stole three bottles of communion
37:14wine and when I vomited it looked like
37:15blood. Is that the sort of thing you
37:16want to hear?
37:17>> Is it the truth?
37:18>> No.
37:19>> No. [laughter]
37:20>> I never had a brother and he didn't die
37:23in front of children. and he died in his
37:25car or he was still born maybe or he
37:28grew up and died of old age.
37:30>> Do you lie to protect yourself or your
37:33addiction?
37:34>> It's not lying. It's admitting there's
37:36no truth to begin with.
37:39>> Have you read Fukco?
37:41>> Not lately.
37:42>> Derideda Briard Bart,
37:45>> you are an addict because of
37:47postmodernism.
37:51I can't base my survival on slogans and
37:54abstractions and vagueness.
37:57I'm not the type of person who can do
37:59Pilates on a beach and mistake
38:01relaxation for spirituality.
38:03I spent a year in the Far East, but I
38:06didn't find enlightenment. I found slums
38:08and sex tourism. I chose this place
38:11because it's ugly and it's gray and it's
38:14in the middle of a car park and I can
38:16look out at traffic and homeless people
38:18and remind myself that the world is all
38:20just purposeless chaos. I need something
38:24definitive. I need to be fixed.
38:26>> It doesn't work like that.
38:27>> It is a longterm I don't do long term.
38:30>> Well, you're going to learn because the
38:32strategies you've been using just aren't
38:34working. Now, I hear all your concerns
38:36about the program. I've heard them all
38:38before, but right now it's the best
38:41we've got.
38:43You think you've worked it all out?
38:45Great. You're still dying, and
38:48intellectually inferior as I may be, I
38:51am trying to save your life. Now, sit
38:54down.
39:00The 12 steps outline the process of
39:03recovery as experienced by its earliest
39:07members. And yes, it was about accepting
39:09God. But here we use a modified version
39:14with religiously neutral wording.
39:18Have you heard the expression powerless
39:20over nouns?
39:23Nouns as in
39:25>> people, places, and things.
39:27>> Oh, like Facebook.
39:28>> Excuse me.
39:29>> On Facebook, the search box. It says
39:31>> I'm not on Facebook.
39:34>> No, nor am I really. I mean, who is?
39:38>> It is a rewrite of step one of 12.
39:43Instead of declaring ourselves powerless
39:45over alcohol or drugs, we admit to being
39:48powerless over people, places, and
39:51things.
39:52people who make us want to relapse,
39:56places that we associate with using, and
39:59things that reactivate old behaviors.
40:04Now, does that make sense to you?
40:07>> Yes.
40:08>> And when you're in recovery,
40:10>> back in the real world,
40:12>> you will need to find a way to handle
40:15being in those places with those people
40:18>> and those things.
40:24I find reality pretty difficult.
40:29I find the business of getting out of
40:31bed and getting on with the day really
40:34hard. I I find picking up my phone to be
40:37a mammoth [ __ ] struggle. That number
40:39on my inbox and the friends who won't
40:41see me anymore. Constant news alerts and
40:45opinions about everything.
40:49pictures of dead children next to
40:51adverts for skin care. It's the ethical
40:54gymnastics it takes just to be able to
40:56pretend that everything is normal. I
40:59find the knowledge that we're all just
41:01atoms and one day we'll stop and be dirt
41:04in the ground. I find that
41:05overwhelmingly
41:10disappointing.
41:12And I wish I could feel otherwise. I I
41:16wish I could be like you or my mother to
41:19believe that some things are
41:21predetermined and meaningful and we're
41:23all somewhere on a track between the
41:25start and the finish lines, but I can't
41:27because I care about what's true, what
41:29is actually verifiably true. You're able
41:32to forfeit rationality for a a
41:35comforting untruth. So, how are you
41:37supposed to help me? You're looking at
41:40the world through such a tight filter.
41:41You're barely living in it. who are
41:43barely alive.
41:45>> You talk about your mother a lot.
41:48>> Drugs and alcohol have never let me
41:51down.
41:53They have always loved me.
41:57There are substances I can put into my
41:59bloodstream that make the world perfect.
42:01That is the only absolute truth in the
42:04universe. I'm being difficult because
42:06you're trying to take it away from me.
42:08So sorry.
42:11If we don't bond with people,
42:14particularly parents, we seek a
42:17connection elsewhere. Drugs, alcohol,
42:20>> God.
42:23Mark, my brother, he he believed in God.
42:28He wasn't as bright as me. Didn't really
42:30stretch himself. He once told me he
42:33believed the entire universe existed in
42:35his imagination and that when he died,
42:37everything would just be snuffed out.
42:40But then he died
42:42and everything just carried on. So
42:45that's that hypothesis disproved.
42:49I can't force you to stay. I can't force
42:53you to be truthful.
42:55I can just tell you that the process
42:58only works if you're honest with
43:00yourself, with me, and with others.
43:04Denial.
43:06Denial is what will kill you.
43:13I'm not good in groups.
43:15>> I can believe that. [laughter]
43:19>> You've already come so far, Emma. Don't
43:22let that be for nothing.
43:24I would like you to see how the program
43:27works in practice. Meet the group and my
43:31colleague, Lydia.
43:33>> Well, who's Lydia?
43:55Hello, I'm Lydia. I'm one of the
43:59therapists here.
44:00>> Why do you all look like my mother?
44:02[laughter]
44:04Why don't you introduce yourself?
44:08>> Hi, I'm Emma.
44:09>> Hello, Emma. Take a seat.
44:12>> I'm all right here, actually.
44:14>> Emma, we're all in recovery. You can say
44:18whatever you like here.
44:19>> You're not in recovery. He's not in
44:20recovery.
44:21>> Seven years,
44:22>> 21.
44:23[applause]
44:25>> Yes, we're all here for the same reason.
44:27>> No offense to anyone or to the process,
44:31but I'm kind of private. Gotcha.
44:33>> I just want to get my head down and do
44:35my time.
44:36>> You're a lone wolf.
44:38>> Exactly.
44:40>> And who else here is a lone wolf?
44:45>> Take a seat, Emma.
44:48>> Why don't you tell us about yourself?
44:50>> Seriously, I have to just jump straight
44:51in.
44:52>> It's a safe space. Tell us your story.
44:59>> All right, fine. [ __ ] [snorts] it.
45:04Uh,
45:06where should I start? Um,
45:09well, uh, I guess it was it all started
45:13when I was much younger and I met this
45:15guy. But that's how a lot of these
45:17stories start. Hey ladies.
45:22[laughter]
45:23Anyway, um, I was in a relationship with
45:26this guy, Norwegian older writer. He was
45:29actually really talented, but he never
45:32lived up to it because, well,
45:36he was an alcoholic.
45:37>> Yes, that ended predictably. And I met
45:40someone else, a much more solid,
45:43reliable, a nice guy, George, an
45:45academic. I now know
45:49I knew I knew at the time that I didn't
45:53really love him.
45:55We got married and uh we had some money
45:58troubles. So George went for a
46:00professorship.
46:01>> Excuse me. Sorry.
46:02>> Let her talk. Mark.
46:03>> Okay. Mark.
46:08>> Anyway,
46:10um well, things were sort of fine in a
46:14way, but well, small world. An old
46:17school friend Thea started seeing my ex,
46:19the writer.
46:20>> Okay. Sorry, but this is just interrupt
46:23me like that.
46:24>> No, go ahead, Emma.
46:30Well, um, things came to a head when the
46:34manuscript of my ex's work just went
46:36missing.
46:37>> All right, enough. This is stupid. This
46:38is
46:38>> Will you please sit down and let us
46:40finish?
46:40>> Will you sit down and let me finish?
46:41>> I'D LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING TO THE GRIP,
46:43PLEASE. I'D JUST LIKE TO SPEAK BRIEFLY
46:45TO THE GRIP IF I MAY.
46:46>> NO, I I'M SORRY, PAUL, but you have to
46:48leave.
46:49>> I WILL. I PROMISE, BUT PLEASE, PLEASE,
46:51JUST LET ME SAY IF YOU WANT.
46:52>> NO, YOUR TREATMENT has been terminated.
46:54I WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU ALL WITH MY
46:56WHOLE HEART.
46:57>> PAUL, PLEASE. Come on, man. Let's go.
46:58>> It's okay. It's okay. Uh, go ahead,
47:01Paul.
47:02>> I know that my behavior here was stupid
47:04and dangerous, not only to myself, but
47:06also AS A TRIGGER FOR OTHERS RELAPSE. I
47:09smuggled in some substances. Kamine, it
47:13was a breach of my agreement and
47:15resulted in my ejection. BUT [screaming]
47:17I DON'T LIKE BEGGING. I WAS MAKING
47:20PROGRESS. I WAS DOING REALLY WELL.
47:22PLEASE, PLEASE GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE.
47:26>> I BELIEVE I HAVE EXTENDUATING
47:28CIRCUMSTANCES. I wouldn't have used if
47:30what happened. If what happened hadn't
47:33happened, I just want it all to stop.
47:37>> What happened?
47:38>> Emma, it's best if we don't talk among
47:40ourselves. If you have a question,
47:42>> what circumstances? What happened?
47:45>> Robert, my partner fiance of 18 years
47:51is dead.
47:52heroin.
47:54We didn't do needles. I don't know where
47:55HE GOT IT. I CAN'T GO HOME. IT'S NOT
47:57REAL. I I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I WANT IT
47:59TO STOP. I'VE GOT THESE VOICES AND
48:02they're scaring me and I just want it to
48:04stop.
48:06>> Well, you should stay.
48:06>> Emma,
48:07>> he should.
48:08>> No, Emma. There are strict rules.
48:09>> [ __ ] that. He'll die or kill someone.
48:12>> I don't think I'd kill someone.
48:15[laughter]
48:15>> This has to be a drug-free environment.
48:18>> Yeah. Look, Paul could come back once
48:19he's completed. WHO WHO HERE THINKS HE
48:21SHOULD STAY?
48:22>> NO, EMMA, this is not A DEMOCRACY.
48:24>> OH, YOU WANTED ME TO JOIN THE GROUP?
48:26WELL, I have. I'm in the sacred circle
48:28of truth, and this guy seems like one of
48:30our people. Now, who thinks he should
48:32stay and get well? And who thinks he
48:34should be sent to his death?
48:36>> Uh, that's unfair wording,
48:37>> but that's the reality of the [ __ ]
48:39situation. Now, put your hands up if you
48:40want him gone. [clears throat]
48:43>> And who wants to save his life?
48:46>> Ever. I'm sorry, but that SIMPLY IS NOT
48:48RIDICULOUS. THIS ISN'T SAFARI. IT'S NOT
48:50CHARACTER BUILDING. DON'T SCRAMBLE ON
48:52THE TOP OF THIS,
48:56>> LITTLE PRINCESS. [ __ ] OFF THE GORE. [ __ ]
48:59OFF UP A YOGA MOUNTAIN WITH MAGIC.
49:01>> YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
49:02>> [ __ ] OFF THE PARADISE, YOU PLAGUE.
49:04>> OKAY,
49:07anyone else YOU WANT TO SAY? COME ON
49:08THEN.
49:09>> I DON'T OWE YOU. I'M NOT IN YOUR DEBT.
49:11>> THANK YOU FOR MAKING THAT CLEAR. I DON'T
49:13WANT TO BE YOUR [ __ ] FRIEND. I JUST
49:14WANT TO GET WELL AND GO HOME. YES, I
49:16COULD HAVE GONE SOMEWHERE ELSE, BUT I
49:18CHOSE NOT TO. I DON'T THINK I'M BETTER
49:19THAN ANYONE. I THINK WE'RE ALL THE SAME.
49:24I'm
49:26I'm sorry your fiance died.
49:30My brother died, too, the week before I
49:33got here. Pills? I found him in the
49:35stairwell OF OUR BUILDING, CURLED UP IN
49:37A BALL. HE'D CRIED BLOOD. I WISH I DIED
49:40INSTEAD. I WISH I DIED WITHOUT HAVING TO
49:41SEE HIM DEAD. WE ARE ALL THE SAME.
49:46PAUL. PAUL, you understand? You can't
49:48simply rejoin the [ __ ]
49:50>> this. [ __ ] all this. It's all [ __ ]
49:53IT'S ALL JUST [ __ ] NONE OF THIS IS
49:56REAL. WHEN YOU'RE SAT HERE TONIGHT BEING
49:59ALL SERIOUS, YOU THINK ABOUT ME OUT
50:02THERE, I'll be having the night of my
50:04life.
50:07[laughter]
50:09>> All right. Um,
50:11let's all take five for some tea and
50:13biscuits, shall we?
50:17>> I have every right and inclination to
50:21eject you from treatment. No, first you
50:23refuse to join the group and then you
50:26attempt TO DEMOLISH IT FROM ME.
50:28>> Believe me when I tell you I've seen it
50:31all before. I can't be shocked and I
50:34won't be undermined.
50:36>> Then eject me. I don't care. I'll go.
50:38Just give me my letter.
50:40>> No, you're not going anywhere. When the
50:43group returns, you are going to
50:45apologize and then you are going to sit,
50:48listen, and learn something.
50:58[groaning]
51:04>> Bravo, it's quite a performance. You
51:06know, it's rude to interrupt someone
51:07when they're telling their life story.
51:09>> I do know that. Yes. But that wasn't
51:11your life story. It's the plot of
51:12agoblau.
51:13[laughter]
51:21How far were you going to go with it? I
51:23mean, she [ __ ] dies in the end.
51:25[laughter]
51:27>> Don't we all?
51:28>> Not me. I'm immortal.
51:31I've taken hits that would kill an
51:33elephant.
51:36I quit.
51:38>> First time, huh? Yeah. I quit everything
51:41my first time. But you got to take it
51:43easy.
51:45First couple times I went through
51:46treatment. The guilt I felt, the weight
51:49of it. I came out thinking I have failed
51:52so badly at life. Went straight to my
51:55dealer. Both times took enough to snuff
51:58it. First time I chickened out, called
52:02an ambulance, but the second time went
52:04down by the canal. Stupid. Some good
52:08[ __ ] Samaritan droged by. Happened to
52:10be medically [ __ ] trained for [ __ ]
52:12sake.
52:15>> What was the high like?
52:16>> Yeah. Yeah, that's the question.
52:20Taking off to kill you must be a great
52:23high. Yeah, you are in trouble.
52:26>> Was it?
52:27>> You know you can't smoke in here.
52:29medical building. Yeah,
52:37>> they post to warn you about the coffee
52:39and you find you need much more coffee
52:41and then you won't sleep and that's
52:43dangerous because you shouldn't get too
52:44tired or hungry or angry, lonely, horny
52:49to anything really.
52:51>> Keep the right size is what they say.
52:54But we say keep perspective. We're
52:57addicts because we have a toxic
52:59combination of low self-esteem and
53:01grandiosity.
53:02>> If I ever need advice on how to fail at
53:04recovery, I'll come to you.
53:07>> You're mean. You're a mean woman.
53:11>> I'm trying to change. [laughter]
53:13>> Yeah, you're in the right place.
53:15Although, no major changes in the first
53:17year. That's what they say. Don't move
53:19house. Don't change jobs. Don't start
53:22new relationships.
53:25>> So, you're an actress? No.
53:27>> Really?
53:27>> No, I'm not an actress.
53:30I'm a seagull.
53:33>> Right. Yeah. I don't know that
53:35reference.
53:38See, when I first came here, thought
53:40this place would be full of actresses
53:41and singers, but it's just, you know,
53:44normal people.
53:46You don't even tell.
53:47>> Can we not talk about it? Actually, this
53:48is supposed to be a bubble away from
53:50reality,
53:51>> right? I agree with you. Although,
53:53you're completely wrong.
53:55This is as real as it gets.
53:59Go on,
54:00treat yourself.
54:21People
54:26who aren't addicted to anything are
54:28really missing out, you know,
54:30and to have something that can make you
54:32feel complete and loved and satisfied
54:34and to be actually able to get it. It's
54:37not unrequited. It loves you back.
54:41So, the therapist is an addict, too. Uh,
54:43>> it's so smart to get a job here. I'm
54:45thinking of applying for one myself. I'd
54:46never have to leave.
54:54Do you want to come to my room later?
54:57[laughter]
54:58>> Oh, you're a nightmare.
55:03The group doesn't work unless we all
55:04contribute. Everyone is vulnerable. If
55:07you mess around in here, you jeopardize
55:09everyone's recovery. And right now,
55:11you're a human hand grenade.
55:14I tell the truth about who you are, or I
55:17will. I've told you the truth. I'm a
55:20seagull.
55:35We were hearing from Emma.
55:39>> I'm done.
55:40>> Was there nothing you wanted to add?
55:43[clears throat]
55:44>> I'm very, very sorry for undermining the
55:46process just now. This is all very new
55:48to me.
55:49>> Would anyone like to comment on what
55:51happened?
55:53>> No.
55:55Okay. Uh,
55:57would anyone like to practice?
55:59>> Practice what? One of the ways we
56:00prepare for life in recovery is to
56:02practice certain interactions, important
56:05conversations.
56:05>> I like role play.
56:07>> Would you like to practice, Emma?
56:09>> God, no.
56:10>> I will.
56:11>> All right, good. Uh, where are we?
56:13>> At work. Couple of months from now, if
56:15all goes well. You're my boss.
56:17>> What?
56:18>> It's an exercise.
56:19>> I have to pretend to be his boss,
56:20>> Chester. He's fat and bold.
56:23>> Then get him to do it. [laughter]
56:28>> I'm not bald.
56:30No, you don't have to look like the
56:32person.
56:32>> Why me?
56:33>> I just feel like you'll be good at this.
56:35>> Ask me what you're like.
56:36>> Why?
56:37>> It's how we play the game.
56:41>> What am I like?
56:42>> You're a liar. Feelings are not facts,
56:44Mark.
56:46>> Has someone be smoking in here?
56:47>> You lie so much you've forgotten what's
56:49true.
56:50>> Is that right?
56:50>> No. How How about some observations that
56:53are less subjective?
56:54>> You're in your mid60s. You'd be tall if
56:57you didn't hunch. Scottish, Glasgow,
56:58maybe. Do
56:59>> you want me to do an accent?
57:00>> No. [laughter]
57:02>> The door is there. The desk is there.
57:04You swear you've stopped drinking, but
57:06there's a bottle of Glen Fidic in your
57:07bottom drawer. You smile when you see
57:09me. You make eye contact. Shake my hand
57:12too hard. There's nothing I can say that
57:14you haven't already heard. And I'm going
57:16to ask you for one more last chance.
57:18>> Okay. In three, two, one.
57:24>> Hello, I'm Charlotte and I'm a heroin
57:26addict. Hello, Charlotte.
57:28>> Did you want to say something today,
57:30Emma?
57:31>> No.
57:31>> Go on, Emma.
57:32>> [ __ ] off, Mark.
57:33>> Will you help me practice?
57:34>> No. Sorry,
57:35>> Emma. When someone asks you to practice,
57:36>> you feeling a bit spaced out.
57:37>> Just like me when I started.
57:39>> Well, that sounds like projection.
57:40>> Honestly, deja vu.
57:44[sighs]
57:44>> All right, come on then. Ghost of junky
57:46future. Let's do it.
57:53>> Last year, I had an accident at work.
57:55You sound like an insurance advert.
57:59>> Do you know what dorphine is?
58:00>> I'm sorry. What's the role play here?
58:01>> It's heroin. Did you know doctors give
58:04you heroin as pain relief?
58:05>> Good old NHS.
58:08>> 10 years clean, making pack lunches,
58:11driving my husband's kids to school only
58:13to wake up with a needle in my arm. Back
58:15to nothing because of an accident. I've
58:18been loading flowers into the truck and
58:20I just slipped. Well, you literally fell
58:22off a wagon.
58:24>> Emma,
58:27>> you're my stepdaughter. You're 11.
58:29You're very brave and very angry. You
58:31slapped me awake when you found me
58:32turning blue. Called the ambulance. We
58:35haven't spoken since then. I need to
58:38practice that conversation.
58:39>> What do I say?
58:40>> You just listen.
58:46>> Hi. Hello. I'm Sean. I'm a cocaine
58:49addict
58:50>> mostly. Congratulations.
58:52>> We've never met face to face, but it's
58:53important because I ruined your life.
58:55>> Emma, are you all right?
58:57>> Where are we?
58:58>> Somewhere public neutral. Starbucks or
59:00something.
59:01>> Who am I?
59:01>> You're the CEO of the company I
59:03bankrupted.
59:04>> All right. Well, then you can pay for
59:06the coffees.
59:11>> I had a system. Cocaine, caffeine to
59:13wake me up, weed and Xanax to let me
59:15down. I have stuff to help me focus,
59:17exercise, have sex.
59:20That's you too, right?
59:22>> Sorry.
59:22>> A human pharmacy till something knocked
59:25you off balance. What knocked you?
59:27>> Keep it about you, Sean.
59:30>> Being a trader was a religion for me.
59:32The divine wisdom of market forces, the
59:34inner workings of the universe. But then
59:36Brexit, you know, COVID, people losing
59:39everything and there I was making six
59:40figures
59:41>> for you.
59:43>> The world stopped making sense and I
59:45lost my mind. Age 24, I had a heart
59:48attack at my desk and now it's Ukraine,
59:50China, Trump,
59:52>> Sean,
59:56sorry.
59:58I've been working with Lydia, trying to
59:59think of myself as separate from the job
1:00:01or global events. But it's hard, you
1:00:03know, to believe there's a sense to the
1:00:05world, logic, meaning, then realize it's
1:00:07all just chaos.
1:00:15I'm Laura. I'm an alcoholic.
1:00:18>> Laura,
1:00:19>> you're my sister.
1:00:20>> No.
1:00:20>> Emma, the exercise is about active
1:00:22listening.
1:00:23>> No, no, it's all right. We're all at
1:00:26different stages. Let's allow Emma to
1:00:28>> We're in your kitchen.
1:00:30[sighs]
1:00:32>> You'll have your back turned to me doing
1:00:34the dishes.
1:00:37I'll offer to dry. You'll say, "Leave
1:00:41that.
1:00:42You had a kid 3 years ago and I still
1:00:45haven't met him. This will be the first
1:00:48time. Assuming you'll see me again.
1:00:50>> What did you do?
1:00:51>> No, Emma. You don't directly ask.
1:00:53>> I stole from you and I got high at your
1:00:55wedding.
1:00:55>> You sound fun.
1:00:57>> You started me drinking then cut me out
1:00:59when you got your life together.
1:01:01>> Okay, I'm sorry. Are we done?
1:01:03>> No.
1:01:04>> Think about everything that's happened
1:01:06and I just want to die. Then I have days
1:01:09where I think, "Look how far you've
1:01:11come. I'm alive. It's a miracle. I'm a
1:01:16[ __ ] miracle.
1:01:18I want to tell you that we're the same.
1:01:20That you're a miracle, too.
1:01:26>> Hi, Jodie. Alcoholic."
1:01:28>> Hi, Jod.
1:01:29>> Addict two. Prescription pills.
1:01:31>> Come on then, let's practice. Excuse me.
1:01:33>> Well, you're going to pick me, aren't
1:01:34you? Where are we? Who do you want me to
1:01:35be?
1:01:35>> Jody.
1:01:36>> You're my husband. You're impatient. You
1:01:38don't listen. You think you know
1:01:39everything. [laughter]
1:01:42>> Got it. I need to tell you we can't be
1:01:44together anymore. That I never really
1:01:46drank until I got pregnant. That I
1:01:49stockpile painkillers, sleeping pills,
1:01:52go without. And then
1:01:54I don't want to die. I don't think
1:01:56that's what I'm trying to do. But
1:01:59everything's gone so wrong. And I want
1:02:01to be all brand new. But look at me.
1:02:04Either I lose my son, my home, my
1:02:06family, my life even, or I stop
1:02:08drinking. To most people, that sounds
1:02:10like an easy choice, but it's not.
1:02:13Sorry. Sorry.
1:02:14>> You don't have to apologize. Not to us.
1:02:17>> Where are we, Jordi?
1:02:18>> Not face to face. On the phone, I think.
1:02:20>> Should I mime?
1:02:22>> Not on the phone, Jodie. These important
1:02:26immediate conversations should all
1:02:27happen here with support from us.
1:02:30>> Right. Okay. So, we are here and you're
1:02:34my husband. You're standing over there
1:02:36and
1:02:38Oh, Fosters's Foster and he's over
1:02:40there. And here we go.
1:02:47>> Yeah. Hi everyone. T like the letter
1:02:49addict.
1:02:51>> Addicted to pretty much anything
1:02:53honestly. What you got? [laughter]
1:02:56>> Born an addict. Addict in a womb.
1:02:58Methadone. I'm not blaming mom. No,
1:03:01that's all right. That's context.
1:03:03>> Don't you dare make me your mother.
1:03:04>> I wasn't going to.
1:03:06>> [ __ ] for that.
1:03:06>> You're Marcus, my care worker. I ain't
1:03:08seen you since I was 15. I I stabbed you
1:03:10in the hand with a broken ball.
1:03:11>> Can I please just sit this one out?
1:03:12>> There's enough to fill you in on. I
1:03:14turned some tricks, robbed some people,
1:03:15climbed in windows, cashing hand, and
1:03:18straight on gear. I thought I was all
1:03:21right, but I was just surviving
1:03:23like a dog without an owner.
1:03:27I found out recently.
1:03:30I wanted to tell you cuz I haven't told
1:03:31anyone in my life outside. But
1:03:35I found out I'm HIV positive.
1:03:40>> Where are we? T
1:03:41>> on playground near Fork Road. My first
1:03:44placement. I'm wearing like a proper
1:03:46shirt with buttons. Want it to feel like
1:03:49official somehow. Want to show you I'm
1:03:51good. You don't have to worry if you if
1:03:54you have been.
1:04:00What am I like?
1:04:03You used to pull this face like you were
1:04:05listening to me. I think maybe like
1:04:07right now I'm realizing I think that
1:04:09maybe you actually were listening to me.
1:04:11I think that maybe you did do care what
1:04:14happens to me and that I don't have to
1:04:16say nothing. I can just be there alive
1:04:18and clean,
1:04:20not so angry
1:04:22or that it all means something without
1:04:24me having to say.
1:04:29You looked at me like I'm a real person
1:04:33and I wouldn't still be here. I wouldn't
1:04:36have made the effort if it weren't for
1:04:37that. So,
1:04:40I'm sorry for what I done to your hand.
1:04:44Is that okay?
1:04:46Do you want to say something, Emma?
1:04:54>> Uh, anything else you want to say, T?
1:04:56>> Oh, yeah, there is. Um, I wrote a list.
1:04:59It's like pubs, clubs, all the places I
1:05:02can't go no more. [laughter]
1:05:04Oh, gigs, festivals,
1:05:06>> parks,
1:05:07>> fun fairs,
1:05:08>> restaurants, beaches,
1:05:10>> birthdays, Christmas,
1:05:11>> Brick Lane, Soho, Hawkton, Campbell,
1:05:13>> tennis, Asda,
1:05:15>> Stanford Bridge, Terminal 5,
1:05:17>> New Year,
1:05:18>> weddings,
1:05:19>> stagos, Christmas parties,
1:05:20>> fabric, the print work,
1:05:22>> Friday nights.
1:05:22>> NO, NO, NO.
1:05:23>> SATURDAY NIGHT,
1:05:24>> SUNDAY,
1:05:25>> MONDAY MORNING,
1:05:26>> WINTER, SUMMER,
1:05:26>> my boys, my friends, colleagues,
1:05:28>> my sister's house.
1:05:28>> If I'm with these people, if I walk in
1:05:30these places, that's me at their body.
1:05:31Yeah, but where are we supposed to go?
1:05:33What are we supposed to do?
1:05:34>> I'll be under house arrest. What am I
1:05:35supposed to do in my house? Sober.
1:05:37Watching daytime TV. Sober.
1:05:39>> Going on a date. Sober. [laughter]
1:05:42Having sex for the first time while
1:05:44sober. How does anyone do that?
1:05:48>> At what point do I tell them the truth?
1:05:50Anyone sensible would run a mile? I
1:05:53would. I'd run. I can't be around people
1:05:56like me.
1:05:58No offense,
1:05:59but if you haven't been through it, how
1:06:02could you possibly understand?
1:06:04>> Do you want to say something, Emma?
1:06:09>> No.
1:06:10>> Life is just so boring. I've got to find
1:06:14a way to enjoy that.
1:06:19>> You're my sister.
1:06:21You could be any woman in my life.
1:06:23Really? It's the same thing I need to
1:06:24say.
1:06:29>> [clears throat]
1:06:29>> Amends.
1:06:31That's the hardest and most rewarding
1:06:33part of this whole thing. You put it out
1:06:35there with no hope of getting anything
1:06:37back. Like a prayer, I guess. I mean,
1:06:40amens. World has got amen in it.
1:06:44I used to have a temper. Still do. It's
1:06:47just different now. You poured a bottle
1:06:50of Smyrnoff down the sink. Vodka to me
1:06:53was like spinach to Popeye.
1:06:55>> [laughter]
1:06:56>> I broke your jaw and I stamped on your
1:06:57leg. I broke your ankle and you forgave
1:06:59me. You let me stay that Christmas. I
1:07:02stole your kid's new bike from under the
1:07:04tree. Flogged it Christmas Eve.
1:07:07My grand she raised me
1:07:11cancer.
1:07:13I took her pain relief.
1:07:16I hear her calling out trying to scream
1:07:18and I'd be like, "Sorry, none. There's
1:07:20nothing left. They must have made a
1:07:21mistake again. Now she's dead. So, how
1:07:23do I amend for that?
1:07:26>> [sighs]
1:07:27>> I didn't really plan what to say. Sorry.
1:07:30I just
1:07:32felt like sharing. So, I stood up and
1:07:34started talking.
1:07:36I used to go days without talking to
1:07:39anyone.
1:07:41But this here [snorts] now
1:07:46listening and being listened to,
1:07:49being seen,
1:07:52he's saving my life, I think.
1:07:59You're this girl I went home with one
1:08:01time. She's beautiful.
1:08:04Really wasted. You didn't know what
1:08:06planet you were on.
1:08:09I should have put you in a taxi.
1:08:13Been a gentleman.
1:08:15You had these little scars
1:08:18all over your legs and arms. You were
1:08:20barely awake during
1:08:24I didn't learn your name until after
1:08:27when the police said it.
1:08:30Joanna.
1:08:33And when I woke up, you were cold,
1:08:38blue lips.
1:08:41I'm going to hell for that.
1:08:45For not being a good person when you
1:08:48needed one.
1:08:50for being the opposite.
1:08:55I heard this expression in a in a
1:08:57meeting. I was a scream in search of a
1:09:01mouth. I I don't know what it means
1:09:02exactly, but that's me before.
1:09:07A scream in search of a mouth.
1:09:12Now, in prison, um they get you to make
1:09:14your bed every day like you.
1:09:18Anyway, [sighs and gasps]
1:09:20I made my bed this morning
1:09:23without having to remember to do it. I
1:09:25just got up and did it.
1:09:29Never used to do that.
1:09:31Take care of myself.
1:09:33Now I'm doing things without thinking.
1:09:37Good things.
1:09:40H I don't know. It's little, but it's
1:09:43thought it was worth mentioning.
1:09:44>> Thank you, Mark.
1:09:48Emma, is there something you wanted to
1:09:51share with the group today?
1:09:54Still nothing.
1:09:55>> This is your fifth week with us.
1:09:58>> We're only as sick as our secrets, Emma.
1:09:59>> [ __ ] off, Foster.
1:10:02>> All right. Well, um,
1:10:06anything pressing for anyone before we
1:10:08finish?
1:10:08>> Yeah, Emma's refusal to engage with the
1:10:11process is compromising everyone's
1:10:12recovery.
1:10:13>> [ __ ] off, Mark.
1:10:14>> I'm helping you, Emma. We recover as a
1:10:16group. We need this to be a safe place
1:10:18to share. And she's just sitting there
1:10:20looking at us like we're material.
1:10:22>> Material for what?
1:10:23>> Up, Mark.
1:10:24>> All right. Well, thank you, Mark. Now,
1:10:28is anyone else frustrated by Emma's lack
1:10:32of engagement?
1:10:37>> [ __ ] this.
1:10:41>> [music]
1:10:52>> Not.
1:10:53>> [ __ ] off.
1:10:54>> Look, I really am trying to help. Look,
1:10:56if you can't say it, then you can't get
1:10:57well. Hello, I'm Emma. I'm an alcoholic
1:11:01and a drug addict.
1:11:02>> Look, I've done my time. I'm out. The
1:11:04doctor said minimum 28 days.
1:11:06>> What? Say you waited out the clock.
1:11:08Look, if your progress here can be
1:11:10jeopardized by me being a [ __ ] then you
1:11:12truly are a lost cause. Look, say the
1:11:14words.
1:11:17>> Hello,
1:11:18I'm Emmo. I'm an alcoholic and a drug
1:11:20addict.
1:11:22>> Hey, how you doing? I'm an alien and a
1:11:24pillar.
1:11:24>> You're right. You're a [ __ ]
1:11:26>> I might also be your best friend in the
1:11:27world.
1:11:27>> You don't know anything about me.
1:11:29>> No, I've seen you. Took me a while to
1:11:32work it out, but I saw you in that
1:11:34Shakespeare where you get your hands cut
1:11:35off.
1:11:37seen you on stage a few times, mostly in
1:11:40theaters above pubs. It's much less
1:11:42suspicious to drink alone if you're in
1:11:44an audience.
1:11:46I remember thinking,
1:11:49"She's going to be great.
1:12:03Yeah,
1:12:05I used to think that too.
1:12:08[snorts] You know, with a play,
1:12:10you get instructions, like stage
1:12:13directions, and someone clothes you,
1:12:17tells you where to be. And when you get
1:12:19to live out the most intense moments of
1:12:22a life over and over again with all the
1:12:25boring bits just left out and you get to
1:12:28practice for weeks and then you get
1:12:30applauded and then you get changed,
1:12:34leave through stage door, bus home, back
1:12:36to real life. All the boring bits left
1:12:38in
1:12:40just waiting and temping, answering
1:12:44phones, serving canopes. Nothing
1:12:46permanent. You can't plan. you can't get
1:12:48a mortgage or pay for a car. And then an
1:12:51audition comes in and you try to look
1:12:54right and you sit in a room surrounded
1:12:56by people who all look exactly like you
1:12:58do, all up for the same part, never hear
1:13:01back. or you get the part and then it's
1:13:05sitting around in rehearsals or
1:13:06backstage probably earning less than you
1:13:08did temping and you make these
1:13:10friendships with people like a little
1:13:12family and you fall in love on stage and
1:13:15off and then it's over and you don't see
1:13:17them again and you try not to take it
1:13:20personally when people who aren't as
1:13:22good as you get the parts or when you go
1:13:25from being the sexy onenu to the tired
1:13:28mother of three
1:13:31but you keep going because sometimes if
1:13:34you are really really lucky, you get to
1:13:37be on stage and you get to say things
1:13:39that are absolutely true, even if
1:13:41they're made up. You get to do things
1:13:43that feel more authentic, more real,
1:13:46more meaningful than anything in your
1:13:48own life. And you get to speak poetry,
1:13:51words you would never think to say, but
1:13:54that become yours as you speak them.
1:13:58And when he shall die, take him and cut
1:14:02him out in little stars. And he will
1:14:05make the face of heaven so fine that all
1:14:07the world will be in love with night and
1:14:10pay no worship to the garish sun.
1:14:18Feels like Lydia is trying to get me to
1:14:20acknowledge some like buried trauma, but
1:14:24there isn't any. I played antiggony and
1:14:26every night my heart broke for her dead
1:14:29brother
1:14:31and then my own brother died and I felt
1:14:34nothing.
1:14:36I missed the funeral because I had a
1:14:38matinea.
1:14:41I'm not avoiding talking to the group
1:14:43because I've got something to hide.
1:14:45Mark, it's the opposite. If I'm not in
1:14:46character, I don't even know if I'm
1:14:48there. I'm nothing. I'm already dead. I
1:14:50want to live a hundred lives and be
1:14:53everywhere and fight against the
1:14:55infinite decimal time we have on this
1:14:57planet.
1:14:59Acting gives me the same thing I get
1:15:03from drugs and alcohol.
1:15:05Good parts are just harder to come by.
1:15:12Oh man, I really
1:15:17really miss my brother.
1:15:27>> Is that music?
1:15:30>> My graduation party.
1:15:32>> Well, you're leaving
1:15:34>> tomorrow first thing.
1:15:37>> Good.
1:15:39[snorts]
1:15:39>> Orange squash and karaoke. Oh, you're
1:15:41[ __ ] kidding me.
1:15:43>> Look, can I ask you something?
1:15:46Is your name really Emma?
1:15:48I'm leaving, so you may as well tell me.
1:15:52>> Emma's my stage name. [sighs] There was
1:15:55already someone with my real name.
1:15:58My real name is Sarah.
1:16:00>> So,
1:16:01>> this isn't even my real voice. I lost my
1:16:04accent at drama school. I naturally talk
1:16:07like that. Don't tell anyone.
1:16:10Please.
1:16:13>> What? Hey, what? What have I said?
1:16:16>> Is your brother dead? Did you even have
1:16:19a brother?
1:16:20>> Mark,
1:16:20>> did you?
1:16:24>> If you want to come to the party, I
1:16:26won't stop you, but if you try to sing,
1:16:28I will.
1:16:28>> Yeah.
1:16:29>> Yeah. It may be stupid, but it's
1:16:30important. A lot of people here are
1:16:33trying really hard to make themselves
1:16:35well. Like, they're being honest to a
1:16:37group of strangers. They're taking
1:16:39risks. They're turning themselves inside
1:16:41out and they're not sitting on the
1:16:42sideline. So, you don't get to do
1:16:44karaoke unless you're part of the group.
1:16:46Now, if you want to join the party, join
1:16:48the party.
1:16:49>> Are you [ __ ] serious?
1:16:50>> Hello.
1:16:52I'm Sarah. I'm Sarah and I'm a drug
1:16:55addict and an alcoholic. I'm a liar.
1:16:59And I'm going to [ __ ] this up and break
1:17:02all your hearts by dropping dead on the
1:17:04bedroom floor because I'm too [ __ ]
1:17:06interested in staring into the blank
1:17:08void of my own personality. I'm Sarah.
1:17:12Possibly. Who really knows? I'm Sarah
1:17:16and I'm brilliant at being other people
1:17:20and I'm totally useless at being myself.
1:17:27I'm Sarah.
1:17:35Take another little piece of my heart
1:17:37now, baby.
1:17:41>> Take another little piece of my heart
1:17:43now, darling. Yeah. Yeah.
1:17:47>> Take another little piece of my heart
1:17:49now, baby.
1:17:52You know you got it if that makes you
1:17:55feel good.
1:18:00Thank you, Foster. Now, the song list is
1:18:03going around. If you want to get up here
1:18:05and sing, then add your name to the
1:18:08sheet.
1:18:10>> Tonight, we say goodbye to a valued
1:18:14member of the group, MARK.
1:18:18>> MARK. [screaming]
1:18:19>> And I would like to raise a
1:18:22non-alcoholic toast.
1:18:25This isn't your first graduation. I hope
1:18:28it's your last. And please understand
1:18:32what I mean when I say I hope I don't
1:18:34see you again.
1:18:37>> Don't come back.
1:18:41>> Janice Joplin died of a heroin overdose.
1:18:43That's quite an ironic choice of song.
1:18:45Foster.
1:18:47>> Jesus. Is this what parties are like
1:18:49without any alcohol?
1:18:51>> Seriously, I'd like to say a few things.
1:18:53>> It's not Sarah.
1:18:55Actually,
1:18:57yeah. My name is Sarah.
1:18:59Sorry I've not been honest with you
1:19:01about that or about anything really.
1:19:04Truth is difficult when your job is to
1:19:05lie for a living, but here it goes.
1:19:11My name is Sarah.
1:19:16I'm not going to say I'm an alcoholic
1:19:17and a drug addict. I'm not going to say
1:19:18I'm powerless or I surrender.
1:19:20>> SURRENDER IS A
1:19:21>> DESTROY YOUR TRIBE. I DON'T BELONG to
1:19:23you. I can't surround myself with people
1:19:25who think the same AS ME BECAUSE THAT'S
1:19:27MADNESS.
1:19:28>> TIME WILL PLAY.
1:19:28>> I'M SHARING A TRUTH WITH YOU. YOU ALL
1:19:30TALK ABOUT yourselves as if you're the
1:19:33problem. BUT THE PROBLEM ISN'T YOU. It
1:19:35is everything else. Self-medicating is
1:19:37the only way to SURVIVE IN A WORLD.
1:19:40>> [ __ ] YOU, S.
1:19:42>> IT TOOK MY BROTHER 8 HOURS TO DIE.
1:19:44WHERE'S THE [ __ ] MEANING IN THAT?
1:19:47>> If there is a higher power, THEN STRIKE
1:19:50ME DOWN. COME YE SPIRITS THAT TEND ON
1:19:53MORTAL THOUGHTS.
1:19:54>> OKAY, SARAH, this about you. This is
1:19:56about mom.
1:19:57>> It's okay, Jodie. She needs to do this.
1:19:59>> I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT MY PROBLEMS ARE
1:20:00MEANINGFUL. BUT I CAN'T. THERE ARE
1:20:03PEOPLE DYING of thirst and people living
1:20:06in [ __ ] war zones. AND HERE WE ARE
1:20:09TALKING ABOUT OURSELVES AS IF WE CAN
1:20:10SOLVE EVERYTHING BY CONFRONTING OUR
1:20:12DEFECTS. WE ARE NOT DEFECTIVE. IT'S THE
1:20:16WORLD THAT'S [ __ ] SHOULDN'T WE FEEL
1:20:18GOOD FOR THOSE PEOPLE WHO CAN'T? DON'T
1:20:20WE OWE IT TO THEM TO SAY, "FUCK THIS.
1:20:23LET'S DRINK." IF I DENY MYSELF CHOICE,
1:20:25then what am I? I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT
1:20:29TO LIVE VIVIDLY. I want TO MAKE HUGE
1:20:32AOIC SPECTACULAR MISTAKES BECAUSE WHAT
1:20:35else is there? THIS
1:20:39SHAME AND BOREDOM AND [ __ ] ORANGE
1:20:42SQUASH.
1:20:44OH, LET'S HAVE A REAL DRINK. ONE DRINK
1:20:47JUST TO KNOW THAT THE WORLD WON'T END.
1:20:49DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW GOOD IT FEELS?
1:20:52CAN'T YOU JUST TASTE IT? THE WHOLE
1:20:55UNIVERSE IN ONE ROOM. YOUR BODY, YOUR
1:20:58HEART with joy, WITH CERTAINTY, WITH
1:21:02LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.
1:21:08You're so gorgeous. Thank you.
1:21:14Amazing. I love everything.
1:21:17You're so nice. I'm having such a good
1:21:20time.
1:21:25>> Am I driving right now?
1:21:31>> What I'm trying to say is what I need to
1:21:35say.
1:21:37>> Can you hear me? We're going to have to
1:21:39put this out. Okay.
1:21:41>> Thank you. Thank you so much.
1:21:51But I need to get up.
1:22:06WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY is [gasps]
1:22:10what I need to say is
1:22:17THAT THERE'S A BAR OUTSIDE.
1:22:21We could all go for a drink
1:22:25together.
1:22:27Just just one drink.
1:22:31Yes.
1:22:35[sighs]
1:22:37Yes. [screaming]
1:22:39[groaning]
1:23:49Oh. Can I help you?
1:23:52You checking in or picking up?
1:23:55Hello?
1:23:57>> I need help.
1:23:59>> What' you say?
1:24:01>> I said I need help.
1:24:04>> Oh [ __ ]
1:24:05>> Please help me.
1:24:06>> Doctor to reception, please. Doctor to
1:24:08reception.
1:24:14>> [panting]
1:24:23>> You changed your hair.
1:24:28My name is Sarah
1:24:32and I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict.
1:24:35>> Hello, Sarah.
1:24:38>> My life is unmanageable.
1:24:40I'm willing and motivated to change.
1:24:44I surrender. I surrender. I surrender.
1:24:49>> Sarah, do you know what went wrong the
1:24:51last time? You tried to control
1:24:55everything, every part of the process,
1:24:58and that didn't work. So, you hit the
1:25:00self-destruct button. See, addicts seek
1:25:04to control everything. They fear chaos.
1:25:08They think that they are the broken
1:25:09center of the universe.
1:25:12You have to have faith that things
1:25:15aren't going to fall apart.
1:25:17Trust the process. Sarah, let go.
1:25:21>> How?
1:25:23How do I do that? I'm I'm not being
1:25:26difficult or controlling. I really want
1:25:28to know. I really want to try.
1:25:31>> No.
1:25:33>> Take them.
1:25:33>> No. I came here to get off drugs, not to
1:25:35take more.
1:25:36>> I understand that.
1:25:37>> I don't want medication. I need to feel
1:25:39it. I needed to be irrevocable.
1:25:42>> It is completely natural to want to have
1:25:44the most vivid experience. That's what
1:25:46you're used to. That's what you feel you
1:25:48deserve. That's will make you feel more
1:25:51connected to your recovery.
1:25:54I get that. But going cold turkey is
1:25:58dangerous. It can kill you.
1:26:01There will be time for guilt and
1:26:03punishment and connection
1:26:06later.
1:26:08This is the easy part. Don't be stupid.
1:26:12Take the pills.
1:26:18>> Go to your room.
1:26:19>> You really do sound like my mother.
1:26:41>> [sighs and gasps]
1:26:51[snorts]
1:27:09>> Oh, [ __ ]
1:27:24You know the drill, right? You need me
1:27:27to go over anything?
1:27:31I can't believe you actually got a job
1:27:33here.
1:27:36>> Living the dream. [gasps and sighs]
1:27:40>> What happened to Foster?
1:27:42>> Oh, right. Yeah. You don't know
1:27:45>> what?
1:27:47>> Stupid bastard. His um his dog died.
1:27:49>> Oh,
1:27:50>> ran into the road and went under a car
1:27:52and Foster just he he took it badly.
1:27:56>> He relapsed. He was really low and they
1:27:59changed his anti-depressants. The new
1:28:02meds sort of knocked him off balance.
1:28:06We don't know if he meant to do it.
1:28:10>> He's dead.
1:28:15>> Oh [ __ ]
1:28:17>> Yeah.
1:28:19Uh, listen. I need you to complete the
1:28:22forms right next to Kin, your mom, and
1:28:24we'll need to arrange for her to visit
1:28:26both your parents.
1:28:27>> No.
1:28:27>> Look, it's important those conversations
1:28:29take place here in a mediator.
1:28:30>> I don't want them to see me here. I need
1:28:33them to see me back home. Not as a
1:28:36patient. I know you'll say that's a bad
1:28:38idea.
1:28:39>> It is a bad idea, Sarah. Listen, I heard
1:28:40you were here. Welcome back.
1:28:47I'm sorry I wronged you. It was the
1:28:50bleakest, darkest time in my life. But
1:28:52out of the darkness came a great light
1:28:54and the love of Jesus Christ.
1:28:57He came to me when I most needed him.
1:28:58And he spoke to me and he told me what I
1:29:00had to do.
1:29:01>> Tell her what Jesus told you to do.
1:29:03>> He told me to drink. Told me to drink
1:29:06until I drowned. Told me to put heroin
1:29:08in my veins and join him in heaven. That
1:29:11Robert and I would be together. That it
1:29:13would be blissful. that he would turn
1:29:14the poison into love in my veins.
1:29:17>> Okay?
1:29:17>> And I listened and I followed him and he
1:29:19brought me into his church and I felt
1:29:22something break and I felt his love and
1:29:24I know the poison is love and that he's
1:29:27testing me and I can overcome it. We can
1:29:30all overcome it. He sent you here.
1:29:35Bless you for your kindness
1:29:38and bless you Lord. We are free sinners.
1:29:42You watch our paths. You author them.
1:29:44You have given us the gift of
1:29:46desperation.
1:30:03God grant me the serenity to accept the
1:30:06things I cannot change, the courage to
1:30:09change the things I can, and the wisdom
1:30:12to know the difference.
1:30:15Amen.
1:30:16>> Amen.
1:30:18>> You have to say amen.
1:30:20>> Why?
1:30:21>> It's like pressing send on an email.
1:30:27Amen.
1:30:36>> So, I see Paul's back.
1:30:37>> Yeah. Yeah.
1:30:40>> Uh, right then. I'll leave you to it.
1:30:42>> You're going to be all right. We'll be
1:30:43monitoring you.
1:30:43>> The first acting job I had was this
1:30:46corporate.
1:30:46>> I'm not supposed to be alone with you in
1:30:48here. The rules are pretty like I owe
1:30:49you.
1:30:51>> Like I owe you. Um,
1:30:54yeah. I don't know.
1:30:56True story.
1:30:59>> What's a corporate?
1:31:00>> Oh, it's like a It's like a trade show
1:31:03thing. It's not a play or advertising
1:31:06basically. Um, a hall full of little
1:31:10stages repeating this [ __ ] awful
1:31:13monologue to a handful of bored
1:31:15businessmen.
1:31:16Um,
1:31:18why bring the past into the present? We
1:31:22stand resolutely in the present, arms
1:31:26wide, looking toward the future. I am
1:31:30now. You are now. We are.
1:31:34>> Are you okay?
1:31:36>> I had to stand in a spotlight and make
1:31:38this horrible generic speech sound
1:31:40meaningful. I got £100 for the day and I
1:31:44thought I'd hit the big time. Mark, my
1:31:46brother, HELP ME LEARN MY LINES. SARAH,
1:31:47in a world that sets limits, that says
1:31:49you shouldn't try, that you'll fail.
1:31:51Well, in a world that says no,
1:31:52quicksotic says yes.
1:31:54>> Quizic
1:31:54>> like Don Kyote.
1:31:56>> What? Roadrunner.
1:31:57>> That's Wy Coyote. [laughter]
1:32:01>> That's the company name.
1:32:02>> It means romantic, chivalous, visionary.
1:32:06Are all your references cartoons? I
1:32:08thought you watched plays. And at
1:32:10Quicksotic, we don't believe in
1:32:12boundaries or limitations. We believe in
1:32:13the pioneer. We believe in in
1:32:16>> Sarah.
1:32:17Sometimes when you audition, they ask
1:32:19you for a classical and a modern speech.
1:32:21I'd use it for my modern. My thinking
1:32:23was that if I could get this [ __ ]
1:32:25marketing speak to work, if I could make
1:32:27this list of abstract nouns sound
1:32:29meaningful, then they'd see how good an
1:32:31actress I am.
1:32:32>> Sarah, you don't owe me.
1:32:33>> Mark learned it before I did. I had to
1:32:36repeat and repeat and repeat. He'd quote
1:32:38it to me. I have a text from him on my
1:32:40phone that says, "What a thing it is to
1:32:42be alive. What a thing it is to swim in
1:32:44the sea and look up. And it's gone. He's
1:32:48gone. I can't remember it. I CAN'T GET
1:32:51THROUGH IT ON MY OWN. I CAN'T. I CAN'T.
1:32:54I
1:32:55>> can't.
1:32:55>> Have you taken your medication?
1:32:57>> Sarah, can you hear me?
1:32:59>> Sarah.
1:33:18>> [screaming]
1:33:23[gasps]
1:33:32[sighs]
1:33:56[snorts]
1:34:04>> You early?
1:34:06>> I'm going to practice.
1:34:11Thank you so much.
1:34:20>> Um, I'd uh like to practice.
1:34:23>> Go ahead, Sarah.
1:34:27>> You're my dad. Um, so you're hovering in
1:34:31the doorway, which is sort of here.
1:34:33>> Where are we?
1:34:33>> This is my old bedroom at my parents'
1:34:35house. It's like a museum to my
1:34:38childhood self. Um, the bed is here.
1:34:42Thanks.
1:34:46Okay. Yeah, the bed is here. The door is
1:34:48there. There's all this like stuff piled
1:34:51up everywhere because they use it for
1:34:53storage now. You're my brother.
1:34:55>> Oh, Sarah, we're practicing for the
1:34:57future. We're not reenacting the
1:34:59>> You're my brother. You're Mark. You died
1:35:02almost two years ago and your bedroom
1:35:04was next to this one. And when we were
1:35:06kids, you'd hear me crying sometimes and
1:35:07you'd come in and we'd sit together in
1:35:11silence and you'd hold my hand until I
1:35:13stopped. And uh I'll always love you for
1:35:16that. Even though you're gone, even when
1:35:18I'm gone, those things were are will be
1:35:23meaningful.
1:35:24[panting]
1:35:25So all I need you to do is sit with me
1:35:28and hold my hand without speaking. Okay.
1:35:32You're my mother. Oh, I don't
1:35:34participate.
1:35:35>> You won't have to do much. Trust me.
1:35:37[laughter]
1:35:40>> No, we really, Sarah, I don't. Oh. Oh,
1:35:43okay. Okay, fine.
1:35:45>> So, you're my mother. You hate being in
1:35:46here. You want to be watching your
1:35:48programs.
1:35:48>> What am I like?
1:35:51>> You're uncomfortable being in here. You
1:35:53hate any kind of confrontation or
1:35:56emotional display. You feel like you
1:35:59never really got to know me because,
1:36:01well, I had different interests to you.
1:36:03and that just didn't make sense. Um,
1:36:05you're insecure about your intellect
1:36:07because you know that your wife and your
1:36:08daughter are cleverer than you. You
1:36:11loved Mark because
1:36:13you understood him.
1:36:16You've been unable to help me and you're
1:36:18angry that what you hoped my life would
1:36:20be like is not at all what it has been.
1:36:24Um, you've been downstairs using the
1:36:27kitchen table for your genealogy charts.
1:36:29He's been doing that for about 10 years.
1:36:31We've not eaten at that table in almost
1:36:34a decade.
1:36:36You don't want to talk about my problems
1:36:37and you don't want to talk about Mark's
1:36:39death.
1:36:42Mom,
1:36:45um, you're frustrated with me.
1:36:48Yeah. You had hardship in your life and
1:36:50you never abused drugs or alcohol. You
1:36:52can drink a glass of wine and recork the
1:36:54bottle for another day. You don't know
1:36:56why I can't do the same.
1:36:58Um, your father died when you were five,
1:37:01your mother when you were 11. You were
1:37:02moved around a lot and yet you triumphed
1:37:05in spite of everything. You have a
1:37:07doctorate, lots of framed
1:37:08qualifications. You set up an
1:37:11international fund to provide support
1:37:13for children in times of crisis.
1:37:16You used to play the piano, but you
1:37:18haven't for years. You think acting is a
1:37:21fun hobby and isn't worthy of your
1:37:24child.
1:37:26You've never approved of a single
1:37:28boyfriend or career choice, and you've
1:37:30never said anything to stop me.
1:37:33Okay.
1:37:36Okay. Right. I've just got home.
1:37:39Right. Yeah. Okay.
1:37:40>> Three, two, one.
1:37:43>> Mom, Dad, this shouldn't take long. I
1:37:45just wanted to talk you through what's
1:37:47been happening for me, to let you know
1:37:49where I'm at now, and to apologize for
1:37:51my behavior. Um, I I don't want to do it
1:37:54in that order. Can I apologize first?
1:37:57Yeah.
1:38:01I know I've been a pretty terrible
1:38:02daughter over the years. I've been
1:38:05unhappy and self-destructive and I've
1:38:07self-medicated with drugs and alcohol,
1:38:10which has made me more insular and
1:38:13self-absorbed and I've made some
1:38:15terrible decisions and I've I've taken
1:38:17you for granted. I've stolen from you.
1:38:20I've broken promises. Many many times
1:38:23I've said things that I
1:38:27I've said things that I regret and oh
1:38:31somebody would have interrupted me by
1:38:33now
1:38:35>> to say what
1:38:36>> to I don't know to like disagree with me
1:38:39or get defensive
1:38:41>> preempt.
1:38:42No, you'd be surprised how people react
1:38:45when you give them absolute honesty.
1:38:47They might welcome it.
1:38:49>> Yeah, I'd be really [ __ ] surprised.
1:38:57I wasn't there for either of you when
1:38:59Mark
1:39:07I wasn't there
1:39:09when Mark died.
1:39:14I disappeared.
1:39:16That must have put even more stress on
1:39:18you. And that was selfish and
1:39:19unthinking. And I'm not asking for
1:39:22forgiveness. I'm acknowledging that I
1:39:25was wrong and that I wish I could take
1:39:26it back. And I miss him. I miss him. I
1:39:30know you do, too. And I know that over
1:39:32the years I've scared you and I've
1:39:34disappointed you. Oh, [ __ ] hell. This
1:39:35is really hard.
1:39:42[gasps]
1:39:42[sighs]
1:39:43[ __ ]
1:39:49>> [sighs]
1:39:50>> Okay, I want you to know that I've
1:39:52worked really hard at getting well and
1:39:54I'm starting to find peace and it's
1:39:59an ongoing process pro process because
1:40:02I've scared myself and I've I've
1:40:04disappointed myself and
1:40:08the hardest part is taking myself
1:40:10seriously enough to do it like believing
1:40:13that my happiness is worth fighting for
1:40:16my life
1:40:19and I'm doing it for you too as much as
1:40:21anything and for Mark and I know this
1:40:24should have been me,
1:40:27not him. Everyone's been waiting for it.
1:40:29It's not fair and I can't forgive
1:40:30myself.
1:40:31>> It's not your fault. Mark's death was
1:40:33not your fault.
1:40:34>> It's not fair.
1:40:36>> We love you. We always love you. We'll
1:40:38do anything you need.
1:40:41>> Thank you. Thank you.
1:40:46I mean, he'd never say that,
1:40:51but thank you.
1:40:53>> It's all right, darling. [laughter]
1:40:56>> He'd never say that either.
1:40:59>> He'd say, [snorts]
1:41:02"Uh-huh." Well, like that.
1:41:06>> Uhhuh. [laughter]
1:41:10>> And what would your mother say?
1:41:12>> Who the [ __ ] knows?
1:41:16How do you feel?
1:41:19>> Who are you being?
1:41:22>> Me.
1:41:26I feel like
1:41:30[sighs]
1:41:31feel like I spent my whole life
1:41:34surrounded by people trying to make me
1:41:36miserable.
1:41:38And I'm slowly realizing that every last
1:41:40one of them was probably just trying to
1:41:43help me.
1:41:45They probably just loved me.
1:41:49>> You're doing great, Sarah.
1:41:54>> Thank you.
1:41:56Thanks.
1:42:09At Quigsotic, we don't believe in
1:42:12boundaries or limitations.
1:42:15We believe in the pioneer.
1:42:18We believe
1:42:21um in the We believe in pioneer.
1:42:28Yeah.
1:42:29>> Visionary.
1:42:30>> Visionary. Visionary. Visionary.
1:42:32Visionary. [ __ ] visionary. Um, we
1:42:35believe in the pioneer. We believe in
1:42:37the visionary. However impulsive or
1:42:41impractical,
1:42:42we say yes. We say life is
1:42:47>> for the living.
1:42:48>> No. No. Don't help me.
1:42:51>> We look at the world with joy, with
1:42:52love. We look at the world with wonder.
1:42:55>> It's so totally meaningless, isn't it?
1:42:57Oh,
1:42:57>> not to me. I'm a sucker for a vague
1:42:59slogan. adverts, politicians, aa, you
1:43:03wage a war in an abstract now and I'm
1:43:05right behind you. And not to be your
1:43:07Dalai Lama or John Lennon about it, but
1:43:09that's what it's all about.
1:43:11>> Love.
1:43:12>> It sounds dumb,
1:43:14>> but it's true.
1:43:15>> You said it yourself. The hardest thing
1:43:17is to love yourself, to be kind to
1:43:21yourself after everything.
1:43:25>> Quicksotic Limited.
1:43:27Probably the only people who hire me
1:43:29now. Well, you'd go back to doing
1:43:31corporates.
1:43:31>> Why do you think I'm trying to learn it?
1:43:34>> Oh, have you got any cigarettes?
1:43:35>> Oh, you can't smoke in here.
1:43:37>> Yeah, right.
1:43:38>> Are you serious?
1:43:39>> But it's a medical building, so
1:43:43>> of course.
1:43:45>> You had it yet?
1:43:47>> Had what?
1:43:47>> Your spiritual awakening. Hey, you can't
1:43:50leave here without having your spiritual
1:43:51awakening. It's like in the rules.
1:43:53>> Yeah. I don't think that's going to
1:43:54happen for me.
1:43:55>> No, don't be so sure. If God's going to
1:43:57appear anywhere, it'll be here. And he
1:44:00may be coming for someone else, but I'll
1:44:02get in on it. One day, I'll be mopping
1:44:04up after a messy stomach pump. And there
1:44:06he'll be smiling down. And he'll say,
1:44:09"Well done. That's it. Go out into the
1:44:13world and don't harm yourself or others.
1:44:15Go visit Sarah. She's doing a play above
1:44:17a pub." [laughter]
1:44:19>> God watches my play.
1:44:21>> Yeah. He prefers the more fringy stuff.
1:44:23>> [laughter]
1:44:24>> I thought you were an atheist.
1:44:26>> No, I'm open to possibilities. I'd
1:44:28welcome [ __ ] Poseidon if that's who
1:44:30shows up.
1:44:32>> Well, I already have my higher power and
1:44:35she very much exists.
1:44:37>> Don't bank your recovery on other
1:44:39people.
1:44:40Last time I spoke to her, she was
1:44:42clearing out my flat and she was putting
1:44:44everything bad into a big plastic box.
1:44:47Like all the bottles and bags of powder
1:44:50and pots of pills, my stash of weed, all
1:44:54piled in this big box.
1:44:55>> Sounds like a great box.
1:44:57>> Can't stop thinking about it.
1:45:00>> I've got nobody to do that for me.
1:45:02That's wonderful.
1:45:03>> Well, she'd be the one getting the call,
1:45:05wouldn't she? Police at the door at 3:00
1:45:07a.m.
1:45:08>> That would be my ex-wife. Do they wake
1:45:09you up, do you think, or do they wait
1:45:11till the morning?
1:45:14>> Did Foster have anyone?
1:45:16>> Just his dog, I think. And us?
1:45:22>> I just need to hear her say she's proud
1:45:24of me. I know you'll say that's stupid.
1:45:27>> It is stupid.
1:45:28>> Well, not even proud, then. I just I
1:45:30want her to see that I've changed. If I
1:45:33hear that from her, then I think I'll be
1:45:35able to put all of this to an end. I
1:45:37thought you didn't believe in
1:45:38beginnings, middles, or ends.
1:45:41>> I'm realizing my limitations.
1:45:46>> I can't live another life but my own.
1:45:48I'm relinquishing a certain agony about
1:45:51all that. I've
1:45:51>> surrendered.
1:45:52>> No,
1:45:55maybe
1:45:57[sighs] I don't know. No,
1:46:01I had a realization.
1:46:03Paul said it once. flesh is all
1:46:06[ __ ]
1:46:08None of it's real. You when I'm on
1:46:10stage, I know I'm not the person I'm
1:46:13pretending to be. Everybody else knows
1:46:15that. And yet somehow it doesn't matter.
1:46:17We all just sort of decide that it's
1:46:20real. It's the same with the program,
1:46:22with everything really. Language,
1:46:24politics, religion, money, law. On some
1:46:27level, we all know it's all [ __ ]
1:46:29This magical group delusion,
1:46:31>> right?
1:46:32>> Yeah. No, you lost me.
1:46:35or a wy coyote
1:46:37only ever falls when he looks down. He
1:46:40runs right off the cliff, keeps on
1:46:42running in midair. It's only when he
1:46:44looks down and sees that he should be
1:46:45falling that gravity kicks in.
1:46:50And that is my spiritual awakening.
1:46:54[laughter]
1:46:57Don't look down.
1:46:59>> Don't look down.
1:47:02>> [sighs]
1:47:03>> I'm not ready.
1:47:05>> None of us are.
1:47:06>> Well, you get to stay.
1:47:07>> Maybe. Funding's always a bit.
1:47:12>> I hope he does show up tonight.
1:47:14>> Who?
1:47:15>> God.
1:47:27[snorts]
1:47:45Oh, [ __ ]
1:47:58Come on then. Show yourself.
1:48:09I'm ready if you are.
1:48:22Yeah, [sighs]
1:48:25it's what I thought
1:48:42>> here.
1:48:43>> What's that?
1:48:44>> Fuko.
1:48:46I made a few corrections.
1:48:49It's all very interesting. I'm not sure
1:48:51it's particularly applicable to life.
1:48:55>> And I watched The Exorcist.
1:48:58Your mother sucks [ __ ] in hell.
1:49:00[laughter]
1:49:03>> What's this?
1:49:04>> It's a letter from me saying that in my
1:49:08opinion, you are not a risk to future
1:49:10employers.
1:49:12>> Thank you.
1:49:15[sighs]
1:49:17What do I do now?
1:49:18>> Go to meetings. 90 meetings
1:49:21>> in 90 days. Yes, I know that. I'll do
1:49:23that. I mean, like, what am I supposed
1:49:25to do now with my life? Like, how do I I
1:49:29get back to normal? How do I ever get on
1:49:31a stage again after this?
1:49:34If I ever go to another audition, it'll
1:49:36be like climbing [ __ ] Everest.
1:49:38[snorts]
1:49:39Oh. Um,
1:49:41I thought I might train to be a
1:49:43therapist, you know, Lydia. And then I
1:49:45thought maybe I just want to play the
1:49:48part of a therapist.
1:49:50>> [laughter]
1:49:54>> First day of rehearsals is always the
1:49:56same. You sit in a big circle of chairs
1:49:57just like in group and then you
1:49:59introduce yourselves one by one just
1:50:00like in group. Hello, I'm whoever and
1:50:02I'm playing the part of whatever. And
1:50:05there's something about that situation
1:50:07that I can't quite I can't separate the
1:50:10two circles of chairs. Do you know what
1:50:11I mean?
1:50:12>> Don't overthink it.
1:50:14>> I want to continue to be honest.
1:50:17>> Do I still look like your mother?
1:50:21Happy graduation.
1:50:24>> Thank you.
1:50:45>> [music]
1:50:51>> Today we say goodbye to someone who has
1:50:55been a challenging,
1:50:57inspiring,
1:50:59important member of the group. SARAH,
1:51:05>> we're proud of you. I'm proud of you, of
1:51:08the work that you've done here, and I
1:51:10want you to be proud of that work, too,
1:51:13and to understand that it doesn't stop
1:51:15here. But you only have to do one day at
1:51:20a time.
1:51:22>> We wish you success, happiness, and
1:51:27peace. And please understand what I mean
1:51:31when I say, "I hope I never see you
1:51:34[laughter] again."
1:51:35>> Don't come back. Don't come back. DON'T
1:51:38COME BACK. DON'T COME BACK. DON'T COME
1:51:41BACK. DON'T COME BACK. Don't come back.
1:51:45[sighs]
1:51:55>> Don't look down.
1:52:36This it is.
1:52:36>> Oh, sorry.
1:52:37>> This everything.
1:52:39>> Yeah.
1:52:40>> Traveling light.
1:52:41>> Yeah.
1:52:42>> Uh-huh. Well, [laughter]
1:52:47>> will you get mom?
1:52:48>> Get her?
1:52:49>> Yeah. Um, will you bring her up here
1:52:51>> now?
1:52:52>> Yeah.
1:52:52>> Uh-huh. Okay.
1:52:57Glad you're home.
1:53:28>> [clears throat]
1:53:29>> Why why choose? Okay.
1:53:32[sighs]
1:53:33Why Why choose quicksotic?
1:53:36Why? Why?
1:53:38Why choose quicksotic in a world that
1:53:40sets limits? That says you shouldn't
1:53:41try, that you'll fail. In a world that
1:53:44says no, we say
1:53:46>> she's just coming. I
1:53:48I can't believe you kept all this stuff,
1:53:51Dad.
1:53:55I probably won't have kids now.
1:53:59It's probably for the best. [snorts]
1:54:02With Mark gone, that's the end of the
1:54:04line, isn't it?
1:54:06That story is done. You can finish your
1:54:09family tree. The end of history.
1:54:12>> Uh-huh.
1:54:14>> [ __ ] Dad. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1:54:17I didn't mean that to sound like I was
1:54:22>> You wanted me?
1:54:23>> Yeah. Um Okay.
1:54:25Uh
1:54:33uh. Um
1:54:36this shouldn't it shouldn't take long. I
1:54:38just wanted to I just want to talk.
1:54:40>> Here it comes.
1:54:41>> No, I just want the chance.
1:54:43>> Oh, don't say we didn't give you
1:54:44chances.
1:54:45>> I'm not You go missing. You steal from
1:54:48us. We thought you were dead.
1:54:49>> Let her speak.
1:54:50>> Yep. I will not be made the villain in
1:54:52this.
1:54:53>> I know. I've been a pretty terrible
1:54:54daughter over the years.
1:54:56>> Have you ever said that? I have never
1:54:58said that.
1:54:59>> Will you please? This is hard. I just I
1:55:01I I've been unhappy and self-destructive
1:55:05and I have self-medicated with drugs and
1:55:08alcohol, which has made me more insular
1:55:10and self-absorbed. and I've made some
1:55:13terrible decisions and I've taken you
1:55:14for granted and I've said things that I
1:55:17regret and that I wish I could take
1:55:19back. And I wasn't there for either of
1:55:21you when
1:55:22I wasn't there [snorts] when Mark died.
1:55:27I was wrong. And I wish I could take it
1:55:29back. And I want you to know that I've
1:55:31worked really hard at getting well and
1:55:33I'm starting to find peace. And it's an
1:55:36ongoing process because I've scared
1:55:38myself and I've disappointed myself and
1:55:41I'm doing it for you two as much as
1:55:42anything and for Mark. And I know that
1:55:44it should have been me, not him.
1:55:46>> All right enough, look, whatever it is
1:55:48you're into now, all of this is just
1:55:50words. You're saying you'd be less
1:55:51selfish and yet you're talking about
1:55:53yourself even more. I can't listen to
1:55:55it. The number of times we've tried to
1:55:58help you, tried to save your life, the
1:56:01energy is taken, the sleeplessness, the
1:56:04money. Every time the phone rang on the
1:56:06doorbell, we thought it would be the
1:56:08police. We neglected Mark. He should
1:56:11still be here. You're right. It should
1:56:14be you. It should be you that we buried.
1:56:16At least we'd know you were out of
1:56:18trouble. We grieved for you long ago, so
1:56:21thank you for your little speech, but it
1:56:23doesn't mean anything. We've heard it
1:56:26before.
1:56:27Get a job. Keep the job. Call us once in
1:56:31a while just to chat. not to borrow
1:56:33money or to ask for help because you're
1:56:36interested in us. Get out of yourself.
1:56:43I'm sorry. There's a lot been on set for
1:56:46a long time.
1:56:48>> I love you, Dad. Thank you.
1:56:52>> I love you, too, darling.
1:56:55It's just really hard.
1:56:57>> I'm going to try and make it easier.
1:57:01I've got I'm in the middle of something.
1:57:05>> I'll order as a take out later. Yes.
1:57:08>> Yeah.
1:57:09>> Right. Uh-huh. Wow.
1:57:20He's right.
1:57:22>> Yes, he is.
1:57:25>> Are you staying the night?
1:57:28I thought I'd stay for a while,
1:57:30actually.
1:57:33>> It's your home.
1:57:37>> I've worked really hard, Mom. I've taken
1:57:39myself apart. I've put myself back
1:57:41together. I think if you could see what
1:57:42I've been through, I think you'd be
1:57:43proud of me.
1:57:53They um
1:57:56they tell you in rehab they say avoid um
1:58:00people that make you want to relapse,
1:58:02places you associate with using and um
1:58:04and things that might be a trigger.
1:58:08People, places, and things, which is
1:58:10basically, you know,
1:58:13everything.
1:58:15As long as you avoid people, places, and
1:58:17things, you'll be fine.
1:58:21Some people, some places are more
1:58:23dangerous to be around than others.
1:58:25>> And you want to hibernate here till you
1:58:27feel safe to face it.
1:58:28>> No, that's not.
1:58:31No.
1:58:35[sighs]
1:58:37This is the place, Mom.
1:58:42This is the most dangerous place I could
1:58:46be.
1:58:48This town, this house, all this stuff.
1:58:55You You
1:59:00are the biggest threat to me relapsing.
1:59:04If I can be here with you at a time when
1:59:06I'm defenseless and vulnerable, if I can
1:59:08get through that, then I'll know
1:59:09definitively I'll I'll be okay forever.
1:59:20Do you want to say anything? Mom, dad
1:59:22obviously needed to. I'm saying some
1:59:23pretty horrible things.
1:59:27Why are you smiling?
1:59:33Who are you being?
1:59:35>> What?
1:59:37>> I know you, sweetheart.
1:59:41Do you think I can't see when you're
1:59:43lying?
1:59:43>> I'm not lying. I
1:59:45>> That time I caught you smoking and you
1:59:47sat right there. Swarp lines
1:59:52rolling down your face. Then Mark
1:59:54>> and you only smoked to pretend you were
1:59:57interesting because see unlike Mark you
2:00:01never had a personality of your own.
2:00:03>> Don't say that.
2:00:04>> You think you're this chameleon living
2:00:07hundreds of lives but you're always just
2:00:10you full of certainty when you discover
2:00:13something but you never see it through.
2:00:15And this will be no different.
2:00:16>> It's not true.
2:00:17>> Yeah. We've still got your violin
2:00:19somewhere. I can't believe you'd hold
2:00:20that against me.
2:00:21>> Insisted on having a good one. Then quit
2:00:24lessons within half a year. Tennis gear.
2:00:27Same. Pets. You moved school three
2:00:30times. Quit university four times.
2:00:33Evening classes, fad diets, exercise
2:00:36crazy just once. I would like to have
2:00:39seen you graduate. I did. Well, you'll
2:00:42just have to excuse us if we see this
2:00:45latest lifestyle decisions
2:00:48>> within the context of a thousand
2:00:50abandoned projects.
2:00:53>> And it doesn't suit you, darling. You
2:00:55know, this self-righteous, pleasure
2:00:57denying role. It's boring.
2:01:02If you want honesty, I mean, real, no
2:01:05[ __ ] Gloves off, truthfulness,
2:01:07sweetheart. Drink and drugs were the
2:01:11only things that made you any fun.
2:01:14And now you want closure, whatever they
2:01:18call it in this new cult of yours. You
2:01:21want to say sorry and for that to heal
2:01:25wounds and make us a happy clappy
2:01:28family.
2:01:29And that just isn't going to happen.
2:01:35The family is broken forever.
2:01:44Trying my best, Mom.
2:01:46>> Okay, good.
2:01:48Just don't expect a [ __ ] trophy for
2:01:50trying your best. That's the bare
2:01:52minimum you should be doing.
2:02:33Approaching 40 back living with your
2:02:35parents,
2:02:36>> not approaching 40.
2:02:39>> Ah, sweetheart,
2:02:41the one person you can't fool about your
2:02:44age is the person whose body you came
2:02:46out of.
2:02:50[sighs]
2:02:57>> I've changed the bedding.
2:02:58>> Thanks.
2:02:59>> Yeah. And [snorts] the towels are in the
2:03:01>> Yeah,
2:03:03>> I brought those things over from your
2:03:05flat.
2:03:06>> What things?
2:03:07>> I picked up the things you asked me to.
2:03:09Boxed it all up. Brought it here.
2:03:11>> It's here.
2:03:12>> Yes.
2:03:13>> Where?
2:03:14>> It's under the bed.
2:03:29>> [gasps and sighs]
2:03:34>> [ __ ]
2:03:37>> Look what you were doing to yourself.
2:03:38>> WHY WOULD YOU BRING THAT HERE?
2:03:40>> WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? Every time I
2:03:44tried to intervene, you punished me.
2:03:47[laughter]
2:03:47You broke my fingers when I flushed
2:03:50those pills away.
2:03:52I broke your fingers.
2:03:58Why do you think I don't play the piano
2:04:00anymore?
2:04:03>> Mom, now you want to get rid of this
2:04:06stuff? Go ahead. If you want to use it,
2:04:09take it and go. But don't come back to
2:04:11us if you do.
2:04:14We've had too much, Rachel.
2:04:23It's a new Chinese takeaway that's
2:04:26opened on the corner and he he's been
2:04:28waiting for a reason to try it out.
2:04:30>> Mom, please don't leave me on my own. Oh
2:04:33god.
2:04:36Oh,
2:04:58[ __ ]
2:05:02[sighs and gasps]
2:05:07>> [gasps]
2:05:10[sighs]
2:05:15>> Um, hello. Hi. I got your number from
2:05:19Yeah.
2:05:20Yeah, that's me.
2:05:23Yeah. Um, I was I was hoping there might
2:05:26be a meeting this evening that I could
2:05:29um Yeah. Yes. Yes. I've got a pen.
2:05:36Yeah.
2:05:39Okay, great.
2:05:41Yeah, thank you. Yep. [laughter]
2:05:43See you then. Thanks. Bye. Bye.
2:05:49Okay. Why choose quicksotic in a world
2:05:51that sets limits? That says you
2:05:53shouldn't try, that you'll fail. In a
2:05:55world that says no, we say yes. We say
2:05:58yes.
2:06:00We [snorts] don't believe in no. No, no,
2:06:02no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Why choose
2:06:04quick sotic? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
2:06:06Why? Why? Why? Why? In a world that sets
2:06:08limits, that says you shouldn't try,
2:06:09that you'll fail. In a world that says
2:06:11no, we say yes. We don't believe in no.
2:06:13We don't believe in boundaries or
2:06:15limitations. We believe in the pioneer.
2:06:17We believe in the visionary.
2:06:21However impulsive
2:06:24or impractical, we say yes.
2:06:27We say life is for the living.
2:06:30We look at the world with joy,
2:06:33with love. We look at the world with
2:06:36wonder.
2:06:46Why bring the past into the present?
2:06:51We stand resolutely in the present,
2:06:55arms wide, looking toward the future.
2:07:01I am now.
2:07:03You are now.
2:07:05We are now.
2:07:11What a thing it is to be alive.
2:07:15What a thing it is to swim in the sea,
2:07:18to look up at the clear wide sky, to
2:07:22feel the sun on your skin,
2:07:25to climb a mountain
2:07:28or just a flight of stairs,
2:07:32to eat a donut.
2:07:36To love and to be loved. What a thing it
2:07:40is.
2:07:44I am now.
2:07:46You are now. We
2:07:50are now.
2:07:52This is the beginning.
2:08:10Is that okay?
2:08:16I can go again on that if you like. I
2:08:18can probably do that better.
2:08:24Hello.
2:08:27>> Thank you.
2:08:30>> Right.
2:08:32Oh, okay. Right.
2:08:38Thank you for seeing me.
2:08:47Why?
2:08:51[applause]
2:09:00[applause] Woo! [cheering]
2:09:07Woo!
2:09:09[applause]
2:09:15[cheering]
2:09:18[applause]
2:09:28>> [applause and cheering]
2:09:34[cheering]
2:09:37[applause]
2:09:46[applause]
2:09:52[cheering]
2:09:55[applause]
2:09:59[cheering]
2:10:03[applause]
2:10:07[cheering]
2:10:12[applause]
2:10:18>> Woohoo! [cheering and applause]

About this transcript

This page contains the full transcript of تئاتر آدم‌ها، مکان‌ها و چیزها + زیرنویس فارسی | People, Places and Things (2024) by Reza Rosebud, generated from the public captions YouTube serves with the video. The transcript has 16,349 words across 2,821 segments, with the original timestamps preserved so you can click any line to jump to that moment in the embedded player.

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