Patrice O'Neal - Women Are Not Loveable, They're Leavable — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00um Phil Phil from cats will from Cali
2. 0:03sir sorry so long what's going on man no
3. 0:11worries dude it might kind of goes off
4. 0:12another guy dude look I am always the
5. 0:15friend and the reason is I learned from
6. 0:17you man you're my hero I really don't
7. 0:19like women so once I realized that hey I
8. 0:22actually like this girl it's too late
9. 0:24I'm already her friend and I just can't
10. 0:27get to the other side you know what I
11. 0:30mean right let me tell you let me tell
12. 0:32you something I explained some to you I
13. 0:33explained to you what the animals we
14. 0:35dealing with women okay men want to get
15. 0:43this is this is just what we want we
16. 0:45want to get [ __ ] and and not have to
17. 0:49give up time when we want to get time
18. 0:52and not have to give up [ __ ] so you're
19. 0:55giving away your time like a little
20. 0:57[ __ ] she gonna take it now what worry
21. 1:00how do you treat a woman who just [ __ ]
22. 1:02you without any circumstance you just go
23. 1:05hey [ __ ] take your pants down I want to
24. 1:07[ __ ] you you go dip this is a hoe this
25. 1:09is great right I get to get to just rain
26. 1:12I just get to take advantage of this
27. 1:14situation I think you have no time I
28. 1:16have to get a little energy no flowers
29. 1:18this [ __ ] just comes over and [ __ ] me
30. 1:20now after a while you be able to chick
31. 1:23like that you go you know that's you
32. 1:27tired yep and you go enjoy now if you
33. 1:32get a girl that you can you come over
34. 1:35and tell me move my bookcase from the
35. 1:38basement to the roof and down all right
36. 1:43can you put together my entertainment
37. 1:45stand and we do and then if you get to
38. 1:56abuse that man's time with such impunity
39. 2:00you don't think you're gonna start
40. 2:02passing them around like a little ho you
41. 2:04think you're gonna learn to love it
42. 2:05you're gonna you're gonna loan out his
43. 2:07time now my different self that's flying
44. 2:13in from Vegas she's coming to stay with
45. 2:15me a friend by the way that you're not
46. 2:16gonna [ __ ] you just got I'm loaning out
47. 2:19your time because you're a time home go
48. 2:22get my friend from the airport please
49. 2:23bring her here then you go to your house
50. 2:25and you can't [ __ ] either one of us
51. 2:27stupid
52. 2:28exactly no first of all usually there's
53. 2:31no airport picking up unless somebody's
54. 2:33getting something like that's like what
55. 2:34a really really good friend s family a
56. 2:35really really good really good male
57. 2:38friend are you trying to get out of the
58. 2:44situation or in general I really like
59. 2:50this girl and I want to [ __ ] make
60. 2:51some of it now I want to turn it because
61. 2:54when I first met I realized I [ __ ]
62. 2:56like this just got a freaking cesspool
63. 3:01said I want more time to fit in he
64. 3:03didn't really I first met her I didn't
65. 3:05realize that [ __ ] Duggar now that I
66. 3:06do it's already too late I'm already in
67. 3:08that evil Prince category you know what
68. 3:10I mean okay ready though ready here it
69. 3:13is you can't you cannot play that game
70. 3:16dude here's the game and again what that
71. 3:18means is you can't be afraid of the loss
72. 3:23that you're gonna take yes you can't be
73. 3:26afraid you have to know okay you have my
74. 3:29girl wanted me to she wants to move in
75. 3:31my house now
76. 3:33she's been around for five years got a
77. 3:35key to my house she got the thing I'm
78. 3:37not ready for this [ __ ] to be in there
79. 3:39all the time met on her period
80. 3:41I don't wanna in my house she has her
81. 3:44own house you go stay in your house on
82. 3:45your father hear me out you [ __ ] go
83. 3:47now
84. 3:48that could damage the relationship
85. 3:50really but it's either she's happy she's
86. 3:55in my [ __ ] house bleeding to death
87. 3:57every month I'm happy with a possibility
88. 4:02of her being happy my [ __ ] happiness
89. 4:06is paramount because let me tell you why
90. 4:10a man's happiness is very very simple
91. 4:14it's based on uh it's not based on
92. 4:18intellectual [ __ ]
93. 4:19it's not based on some metaphysical [ __ ]
94. 4:21is based on gut happiness we can waste
95. 4:24time and be happy we can daydream and be
96. 4:27happy now when we're happy and we have
97. 4:29an abundance of it it trickles down to a
98. 4:31more complicated needy creature who
99. 4:34needs [ __ ] that she don't even know she
100. 4:36[ __ ] needs so I have to be in in
101. 4:39compliance and has to be in tune with
102. 4:41your your soul to know what is gonna
103. 4:45make you happy
104. 4:46now how the [ __ ] am I gonna be in tune
105. 4:47to your soul I'm unhappy makes me
106. 4:52unhappy they don't let me tell you
107. 5:01something Phil we need to pay don't know
108. 5:04what their own happiness is yes we do
109. 5:06that's why you gotta take control you
110. 5:08have to go look I'll figure out how we
111. 5:11gonna be happy I'm not gonna let you
112. 5:14figure out how we're gonna be happy I am
113. 5:16cuz I know what happiness is women don't
114. 5:19really know I can't use it together
115. 5:21because we can't because we okay my girl
116. 5:24another thing my girl goes she wonders
117. 5:26why she loves me I go sweetie why do you
118. 5:32love me she goes in charming she goes
119. 5:33I'm smart she goes I'm handsome I'm huh
120. 5:35she goes all these things right and I go
121. 5:37sweetie why the [ __ ] should I love you
122. 5:41cuz I'm charming why the [ __ ] is my
123. 5:46charm indicative of how you supposed to
124. 5:49feel about I'm not supposed it's not
125. 5:51mutual cuz I lay on some heavy [ __ ] to
126. 5:54make you wanna [ __ ] me then I [ __ ] you
127. 5:56you gave me nothing in return except for
128. 6:00[ __ ] waiting [ __ ] waiting is what I was
129. 6:02doing you didn't give me nothing you
130. 6:04didn't you kept auditioning me to say I
131. 6:07will [ __ ] him once I [ __ ] you
132. 6:09I gave you what I needed to do to get
133. 6:11some [ __ ] you didn't love it listen if
134. 6:13you love me cuz I'm charming why can't I
135. 6:16love you cuz you're charming you haven't
136. 6:18been given charm during that whole
137. 6:20process so I have to teach you how to be
138. 6:23lovable
139. 6:26you know Phil I'm hearing about you have
140. 6:29to know how to be lovable cuz they're
141. 6:34not lovable they're leave abou that hill
142. 6:38if you really like with you should I
143. 6:41just call her up and be like hey I like
144. 6:42it I agree okay the game will continue
145. 6:56and you'll be miserable thinking you're
146. 6:58just her friend and she's gonna do the
147. 6:59treat you like that if she doesn't know
148. 7:00why you here's the problem we don't know
149. 7:02why you guys really technically filled
150. 7:05the second part of that the second part
151. 7:07of that is if she is not with it don't
152. 7:10be a friend exactly don't let a hold you
153. 7:12hostage step off don't let Harley call
154. 7:14you hostage Phil you got through people
155. 7:17now first of all you got a woman who is
156. 7:19saying something completely different
157. 7:20five minutes ago let me tell you
158. 7:33something man let me tell you all right
159. 7:34and now this particular woman in this
160. 7:36she's frantic this girl in here is
161. 7:38fantastic for the show because she is so
162. 7:41powerfully Pro woman right and still
163. 7:44says the stain the same is that goofy
164. 7:47[ __ ] that a goofy ho is saying women are
165. 7:50women dude no matter what level they're
166. 7:52on you got [ __ ] the president you got
167. 7:54[ __ ] a resident you know anybody they
168. 7:59the same emotional horseshit they don't
169. 8:02know unless you tell them so Phil listen
170. 8:05to me and and go in there with a game
171. 8:08plan and you'd be righteous [ __ ] this
172. 8:09is another thing you've got to be
173. 8:11righteous don't play this game thinking
174. 8:13that okay hard to miss she's gonna you
175. 8:16have to be so willing as Dante was
176. 8:18saying take your ball and go home if you
177. 8:22can't play you take your [ __ ] ball
178. 8:25[ __ ] and leave and you go and sit in
179. 8:27the fetal position
180. 8:28you eat cupcakes you do [ __ ] [ __ ] you
181. 8:30cry trust me dude your logic will always
182. 8:36superior to her emotions do you
183. 8:39understand
184. 8:39let her go what she's gonna do this oh
185. 8:42my god Phil I can't believe that you
186. 8:44would say this is me out you go sweetie
187. 8:47I feel how I feel and you walk away
188. 8:50what's she gonna do besides go before I
189. 8:53tell me what you want me to do first of
190. 8:56all don't you get soft and go I want
191. 9:02some ass no you do not say that pillow
192. 9:05insane really look I like you okay
193. 9:12here's the situation I have these
194. 9:13feelings for you let me know if you feel
195. 9:15it back if not you know I'm out hey Phil
196. 9:18okay is good instead of cutting her off
197. 9:21I think I'm gonna try to okay I'm gonna
198. 9:31ask the people because your advice is
199. 9:34advice we heard on every single shitty
200. 9:37show that women power is is prevalent
201. 9:40right now Phil her particular advice
202. 9:44just now have you tried that before he
203. 9:59does it anyway he does the girl show he
204. 10:04tells them that I like this nice you're
205. 10:05not with me cuz you think that I'm
206. 10:08leaning up some Three Stooges man-hating
207. 10:10warming clubs name it guys are calling
208. 10:13going dude I tried it and it works I'm
209. 10:15telling you because I've tried the fat
210. 10:18[ __ ] man that guy's got a smile
211. 10:21their way into [ __ ] you push me respect
212. 10:29when you it seems like you're putting
213. 10:30your feelings on the line and like if
214. 10:32Phil were to say look listen I like you
215. 10:34this is what I want our relationship to
216. 10:36go and if you know
217. 10:41okay you hear what she said don't jerk
218. 10:44it off every night Thank You Phil what's
219. 10:47gonna happen when you take care of like
220. 10:52what's today the thing you give her
221. 10:54power still you still go relationship
222. 10:58times you go look I would like some
223. 11:03[ __ ] has to be part of her turns if she
224. 11:05doesn't like him what's your gonna do so
225. 11:07then you shake your ball and go home I
226. 11:14want you to say at night there is a very
227. 11:22doubt you can do it bill it's possible
228. 11:24contradictory Cindy over here look at
229. 11:27her face look at all despondent look at
230. 11:29her look at her she's been sweaty I like
231. 11:33it there's nothing
232. 11:41Karis girls will be calling in soon try
233. 11:44to [ __ ] help this [ __ ] I only turn
234. 11:46it off because you're just talking too
235. 11:48much and you're giving bad it woman
236. 11:50advice
237. 11:51trust me Phil you've been listening have
238. 11:53you been listening you know and it works
239. 11:55let me tell you when you get home Phil
240. 11:56do not do not make it and here's the
241. 11:59thing you don't just come out and go hey
242. 12:00[ __ ] hey [ __ ] you gotta [ __ ] me you
243. 12:04have to say look you have to be logic
244. 12:06dig use I wanted to go down and I don't
245. 12:11want it to be platonic I don't this is
246. 12:12know if it's platonic I'm out this [ __ ]
247. 12:15is I mean I need some [ __ ] I have to
248. 12:20have some [ __ ] I extra often long time
249. 12:23ago 10 years ago 15 years ago we weren't
250. 12:26[ __ ] she said I don't wanna get I
251. 12:28don't want to get married until the and
252. 12:30I don't wanna get married until I and I
253. 12:33don't wanna [ __ ] untie get married all
254. 12:35right I know I go um look I understand
255. 12:37that and she liked me a lot I guess you
256. 12:40thought we were gonna be married or
257. 12:41something I said look I [ __ ] right now
258. 12:43and I'm not ready to marry you um so I'm
259. 12:47not saying that you should be [ __ ] but
260. 12:49I'm saying I'm not not gonna be [ __ ]
261. 12:52so you either you even it out put it out
262. 12:56there was live with me not you gonna be
263. 12:58upset when she was she cried and I
264. 13:01rubbed her back I gave the it's okay
265. 13:03circle back rub that girl's give us when
266. 13:05we can't get [ __ ] and I gave her that
267. 13:07rub and then I sold her I feel like I
268. 13:10feeling this is what's gonna happen and
269. 13:12I was very fair of you all right there
270. 13:14you go Phil thank you for calling dude