Parenting a Gender Non-Conforming Child | Michele Yulo | TEDxUtica — Transcript

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1. 0:03So when we find out that someone is
2. 0:05having a baby,
3. 0:07what is
4. 0:09the very first question we ask?
5. 0:12Boy or girl?
6. 0:14And it's this knowledge of the sex of a
7. 0:16baby pre-birth that will set a child on
8. 0:20a specific gender path.
9. 0:21A gender path that will determine so
10. 0:24much of how their lives unfold.
11. 0:28We're all conditioned to seeing the
12. 0:29world through this lens, pink, blue,
13. 0:32girl, boy.
14. 0:36Often it takes something unusual for us
15. 0:39to change our perception.
16. 0:42In 2005, I had my one and only child.
17. 0:46And at 16 weeks, I did, my husband and I
18. 0:49found out the sex and we were thrilled
19. 0:50to learn that we were having
20. 0:52a girl.
21. 0:54Of course, we would have been absolutely
22. 0:55fine either way, boy or girl. But
23. 0:58somehow being a woman myself, I felt
24. 1:00more comfortable with the idea that I
25. 1:02was having a girl. I thought, I'll be
26. 1:04able to relate to her, she'll be able to
27. 1:06relate to me.
28. 1:08Well, from the time that my daughter
29. 1:09Gabby
30. 1:10could walk and talk, she did not
31. 1:12subscribe to any preconceived ideas of
32. 1:16girliness. In fact, she didn't want to
33. 1:18be anything like me. She wanted to be
34. 1:20more like my husband.
35. 1:22And my husband is a carpenter, and so
36. 1:24when Gabby was really little, she asked
37. 1:27for a real tool belt. She had to have
38. 1:30had to be a real one. It couldn't have
39. 1:32been a toy one.
40. 1:35When she would wake up in the morning to
41. 1:36go to pre-K, she would say, "What's
42. 1:38Daddy wearing?" because she wanted to
43. 1:40dress exactly like him.
44. 1:43So,
45. 1:45invariably, when we would go shopping,
46. 1:47um there was nothing she liked in girls'
47. 1:50departments. And so instead, we would
48. 1:51wander through the boy aisles looking
49. 1:53for everything from
50. 1:55clothing to toys.
51. 1:57So girls' t-shirts typically consisted
52. 1:59of pastel colors with images of things
53. 2:01like butterflies and cupcakes, while
54. 2:05boys got the primary colors with images
55. 2:08of things like sports graphics or
56. 2:10dinosaurs or rock bands.
57. 2:13Well, Gabby liked superheroes,
58. 2:16not Barbies. She preferred pirates
59. 2:20to princesses.
60. 2:21Often we would get funny looks as we
61. 2:23wandered through the boy aisles looking
62. 2:25for things like Star Wars merchandise.
63. 2:27And sometimes I would hear a mother
64. 2:30saying to her daughter, "Oh, no, honey,
65. 2:32you can't go over there. That's that's
66. 2:33just for boys." Or a parent telling
67. 2:36their son he wasn't allowed to look at
68. 2:37the dolls because dolls are just for
69. 2:40girls, and my heart would just break.
70. 2:43Gabby loved superheroes.
71. 2:46When she was three, she was Spider-Man
72. 2:48for Halloween. When she was four, she
73. 2:51was Batman.
74. 2:52And when she was five, she was Indiana
75. 2:55Jones.
76. 2:57She was fiercely strong-willed at the
77. 3:00ripe old age of three.
78. 3:03As her mother, I could see that her
79. 3:05personal identity was tremendously
80. 3:08important to her.
81. 3:09But it was equally important that my
82. 3:10husband and I allow her to be whoever
83. 3:13she wanted to be.
84. 3:15But I'll be honest, that's not always as
85. 3:17easy as it sounds, right? We all say to
86. 3:19our kids, "You can be anything you want
87. 3:22to be."
88. 3:23But do we really mean it? Do we really
89. 3:25allow them to make their own choices
90. 3:27about who they want to be?
91. 3:29Or do we limit those choices based on
92. 3:32whether they are a girl or a boy?
93. 3:34So when Gabby was seven,
94. 3:36she asked for a buzz cut.
95. 3:39And she already had short hair.
96. 3:41And one day she said to me, "Mom, if
97. 3:44boys can have a buzz cut,
98. 3:45why can't girls?"
99. 3:48And there was nothing I could say to
100. 3:49that. She was absolutely right. It was
101. 3:52her hair. It was her choice.
102. 3:54I did say to her, "Gabby, if you buzz
103. 3:56your hair, I just want you to know
104. 3:58people might look at you funny.
105. 4:00Kids can be mean. They might say things
106. 4:02to you. Are you okay with that?" She
107. 4:04told me she was fine with it. So off we
108. 4:05went to the hairdresser,
109. 4:07buzzed her hair off.
110. 4:09She looked adorable. She was
111. 4:11all smiles. She could not have been
112. 4:14happier. And I knew right at that moment
113. 4:17that allowing her to walk out into the
114. 4:20world how she wanted to walk out into
115. 4:22the world was what mattered, not
116. 4:24instilling my vision or society's vision
117. 4:27of who she should be, but by allowing
118. 4:29her to be
119. 4:31true to her truest self.
120. 4:34Shortly after she got her buzz cut, we
121. 4:36were at a local community pool that we
122. 4:38belonged to. And a woman I had been
123. 4:40introduced to had a couple kids running
124. 4:42around came up to me and said, "Is that
125. 4:44your daughter running around with the
126. 4:45buzz cut and the board shorts?" And I
127. 4:47told her it was. And she said, "I I I
128. 4:49think it's great that you let her cut
129. 4:51her hair like that." And then she
130. 4:53proceeded to tell me a story about when
131. 4:55she was a little girl, she had two
132. 4:58brothers and she dressed just like them,
133. 5:00she played with them, and she loved
134. 5:01being like them. She said the first day
135. 5:03of school came around and her mother,
136. 5:07she dressed like her brothers, and her
137. 5:09mother made her change into what she
138. 5:10said was a stiff, lacy dress.
139. 5:14And she looked at me really sadly
140. 5:16and she said, "I can still feel that
141. 5:18lace scratching on my skin."
142. 5:22It just made me realize the tremendous
143. 5:25impact we have as parents on our kids.
144. 5:29So the idea that all girls want to be
145. 5:31princess uh or are somehow hardwired to
146. 5:35all things pink was a myth. It was being
147. 5:38proven wrong right in front of my eyes.
148. 5:41I started to do some research and I
149. 5:43discovered lo and behold that pink was
150. 5:45not always a girl's color.
151. 5:47According to a great article in
152. 5:48Smithsonian magazine called When Did
153. 5:50Girls Start Wearing Pink,
154. 5:52and actually in the late 19th century,
155. 5:55blue was seen as a more feminine color
156. 5:58and more girls wore it. And pink was
157. 6:00seen as a variation of red, which was
158. 6:03more masculine. It actually wasn't until
159. 6:05the 1940s
160. 6:07when companies began to get a hold of
161. 6:08color and use it in that way, by gender.
162. 6:12And it actually exploded in the late
163. 6:15'90s, early 2000s when pink
164. 6:18and princess became even bigger for
165. 6:21girls.
166. 6:22And now companies like Disney
167. 6:24inundate girls especially with all
168. 6:27things pink and princess from birth.
169. 6:30It's a five billion dollar
170. 6:33industry for them.
171. 6:35So we did take Gabby to Disney World
172. 6:37when she was little and she she had her
173. 6:39short hair and her shorts and we walked
174. 6:41up to the hotel counter at Disney World.
175. 6:45And the woman behind the counter was
176. 6:46lovely and she looked over at Gabby and
177. 6:48she looked at me and she said, "Oh, and
178. 6:50is this your little prince?"
179. 6:52And I said, "No, and she's not a
180. 6:54princess either." And the woman looked
181. 6:56really confused. She didn't know what to
182. 6:58do with that.
183. 6:59Shouldn't there be a lot more options
184. 7:01between prince and princess?
185. 7:05John F. Kennedy said,
186. 7:07"Conformity is the jailer of freedom
187. 7:10and the enemy of growth."
188. 7:13Conformity leads to stereotypes.
189. 7:16Stereotypes lead to limitations.
190. 7:19And yet we as a society punish those
191. 7:23who are different and who don't conform.
192. 7:26Right? It seems we've lost that
193. 7:27in-betweenness to allow children the
194. 7:30space to explore their own unique
195. 7:33identities.
196. 7:37We see this intolerance in the media
197. 7:40incessantly. Right? Uh
198. 7:43um a girl who cuts her hair short or
199. 7:46wears boy clothing or
200. 7:49uh likes things like Star Wars
201. 7:52or a little boy who paints his nails,
202. 7:54wants to wear the color pink,
203. 7:55or grows his hair long, are all victims
204. 7:58of intense media scrutiny.
205. 8:01Right? Socially, these kids can
206. 8:04experience bullying.
207. 8:07Or sometimes it's actually the opposite.
208. 8:10Sometimes kids who step outside gender
209. 8:12lines are viewed as
210. 8:14courageous.
211. 8:16But I don't believe that kids should
212. 8:18have to be brave to be who they are.
213. 8:22But as parents, we have to be
214. 8:24because kids are bombarded every single
215. 8:27day
216. 8:28with images, products, and advertising
217. 8:31and language that look to trap them
218. 8:34and put them in boxes.
219. 8:38Take a look at these two magazine covers
220. 8:41of Girls' Life and Boys' Life magazines.
221. 8:43These were um
222. 8:45this picture of these two magazines side
223. 8:47by side were taken in a library last
224. 8:49year.
225. 8:51Uh and while they're not published by
226. 8:52the same company, they highlight some
227. 8:55very real and disturbing differences in
228. 8:58how we view girls and boys and what each
229. 9:00is exposed to.
230. 9:01So for girls, it's all about fashion and
231. 9:04how we look.
232. 9:05How to wake up pretty or your dream
233. 9:08hair.
234. 9:09For boys, it's all about action
235. 9:12and doing.
236. 9:14Explore your future.
237. 9:15Astronaut, artist, firefighter, chef,
238. 9:18here's how to be what you want to be.
239. 9:22When I saw these two magazine covers, my
240. 9:25head just about exploded.
241. 9:28And though I was really angry,
242. 9:31I wasn't shocked.
243. 9:33I'd already seen books that taught girls
244. 9:36how to be more gorgeous and
245. 9:39fabulous and boys how to be clever and
246. 9:42smarter.
247. 9:44Years ago I wrote a blog post about
248. 9:46these two rattles.
249. 9:48One is for girls and one is for boys.
250. 9:51I'm sure you can tell the difference.
251. 9:52The one for girls said says for a sweet
252. 9:55baby girl. It's pink and purple. It's in
253. 9:58the shape of a diamond ring.
254. 9:59And the one for boys says for a busy
255. 10:02baby boy. It's blue and yellow. It's in
256. 10:05the shape of a hammer.
257. 10:06Because eventually boys will learn that
258. 10:09they have to do the hard work so they
259. 10:10can afford to put that diamond ring on a
260. 10:13girl's finger.
261. 10:17It's the truth.
262. 10:19But I ask you,
263. 10:21why do rattles need to be gendered?
264. 10:24Right? It may seem innocuous, right?
265. 10:28You may be sitting there thinking,
266. 10:28they're just babies. You buy them. They
267. 10:30don't know what they're looking at.
268. 10:32But these the reality is that these
269. 10:33stereotypes set in and attach themselves
270. 10:36like a second skin
271. 10:38that will follow a child all the way
272. 10:40through adulthood. Rattles are just the
273. 10:42beginning of an endless stream of images
274. 10:45they will be exposed to.
275. 10:48Dr. Lise Eliot is author of a wonderful
276. 10:50book called Pink Brain, Blue Brain.
277. 10:54She says, quote, gender is the first,
278. 10:57most obvious, and most significant
279. 10:59attribute each of us shows the world.
280. 11:01And infants understand much more about
281. 11:03gender than we ever used to give them
282. 11:05credit for.
283. 11:07End quote.
284. 11:08We put bows on female babies' heads who
285. 11:11have no hair so they'll immediately be
286. 11:13be identified as girls. And little baby
287. 11:16boys
288. 11:17might wear a
289. 11:19onesie that says little man.
290. 11:22I grew up in the '70s and '80s
291. 11:25when product and advertising, especially
292. 11:27for kids, reflected a kind of freedom
293. 11:29for the for them to be able to explore.
294. 11:33If you see these ads, these are LEGO ads
295. 11:36actually from the early '80s.
296. 11:38You can see there's not a lot of pink.
297. 11:40Kids aren't separated, boy and girl, in
298. 11:42the same ad playing with the same toy. A
299. 11:46little girl in blue jeans with a blue
300. 11:48shirt. The text addresses them as
301. 11:50children,
302. 11:51not as boy and girl.
303. 11:53You'd be hard-pressed to find ads like
304. 11:55this today.
305. 11:57Now, LEGO makes what's called LEGO
306. 11:59Friends. It's a separate line of
307. 12:01building toys just for girls.
308. 12:04And I can tell you that separate is not
309. 12:07equal here.
310. 12:09There's quite a difference.
311. 12:11So, I grew up with two brothers,
312. 12:13right here in North Utica. We all had
313. 12:15one Big Wheel. It was red, yellow, and
314. 12:18blue. I think probably many of you will
315. 12:20remember it.
316. 12:22But now,
317. 12:24they make one for girls as well.
318. 12:27So, basically companies convince parents
319. 12:30and kids, right, that girls need to have
320. 12:32a pink version of everything
321. 12:34while boys are not allowed to like the
322. 12:36color pink.
323. 12:38And voila, they have twice the profit.
324. 12:41We all buy into this notion even as
325. 12:43adults. I don't know if you saw that Bic
326. 12:45makes pens for women.
327. 12:47They're pink and they have some kind of
328. 12:49special grip because we have special
329. 12:53hands, I guess.
330. 12:57Truth be told though, things are
331. 12:58beginning to shift and and I notice this
332. 13:01all the time. It's not enough, but
333. 13:03things are beginning to shift. For
334. 13:04instance, in 2015,
335. 13:07um the huge retail giant Target actually
336. 13:10announced they were going to be removing
337. 13:12their gender identifiers from their toy
338. 13:15aisles. And and believe it or not, this
339. 13:17was seen as huge news. So, basically it
340. 13:20wasn't going to say girls building toys
341. 13:21anymore and boys building toys. It was
342. 13:23just going to say building toys.
343. 13:25And the move was met with some hearty
344. 13:28approval, but also some very heavy
345. 13:31disapproval as some wondered,
346. 13:34why was Target making it harder for them
347. 13:35to find stuff for their kids?
348. 13:38And why couldn't Target just let girls
349. 13:40be girls
350. 13:41and boys be boys?
351. 13:44But more and more we do see the idea of
352. 13:46gender nonconformity being rewarded
353. 13:49and appreciated.
354. 13:52Indeed, talent takes time, takes
355. 13:54persistence,
356. 13:55hard work.
357. 13:57So, my daughter is now 12 and she is in
358. 14:00seventh grade
359. 14:02and she plays baseball. She does not
360. 14:03play softball and she doesn't want to
361. 14:05play softball. She's been playing since
362. 14:07she was four.
363. 14:08She is a really good player. She puts in
364. 14:10the hard work. She's on a middle school
365. 14:12team and she's on her local travel team
366. 14:15as the only
367. 14:16girl.
368. 14:17Do I know how far she's going to go? No.
369. 14:21Am I going to tell her that she can't
370. 14:22keep playing?
371. 14:23No.
372. 14:25I see her and children like her as a
373. 14:27natural-born leader.
374. 14:29Someone who is breaking down barriers
375. 14:31without even knowing that she's doing
376. 14:33it, just by going out into the world as
377. 14:35she is.
378. 14:37Don't we need and want more kids
379. 14:39like this?
380. 14:41So, I ask you,
381. 14:43what would happen if we didn't place
382. 14:45limits on children based on their
383. 14:47gender?
384. 14:48Wouldn't it be amazing to say to our
385. 14:50kids, you can be anything you want to
386. 14:52be?
387. 14:54And mean it.
388. 14:56This is what we can teach our kids, not
389. 14:58to let arbitraries
390. 15:00arbitrary boundaries limit them.
391. 15:03We have the capability as parents to
392. 15:05open up their worlds so that they truly
393. 15:07have endless opportunities from which to
394. 15:09choose.
395. 15:11And isn't that what we all want for our
396. 15:13kids?
397. 15:14Thank you.