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P2/2 "NARCISSISTS LACK ACCOUNTABILITY" ANUPAMA PARAMESWARAN INTERVIEW | DHANYA VARMA — Transcript

by I AM with Dhanya Varma · 7,809 words · 1,075 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:10I was so ashamed.
0:11I was someone who dreamed of having 11 children.
0:14At this point, I don't even want kids.
0:16So, I felt so bad
0:18So, I felt so bad for being a woman myself.
0:19I'm living the dream life of so many people.
0:24The reality in the last two years is like this.
0:27I really wonder how I lived with a person who couldn't even communicate
0:32even communicate properly, even for closure.
0:35That...
0:36What happened to me?
0:38During that time, when the person who was supposed to protect us
0:41destroyed us, I had to sit in front of the media, looking all happy and smiling.
0:46People mocked me for that.
0:47Imagine your boyfriend slut-shaming you right before you have to go on stage
0:51and having to talk.
0:54Two years of my life. The last two years...
0:56I've been constantly pretending that I'm okay.
0:59I’m not waiting for anyone’s validation, Chechi, at this point.
1:02I'm not.
1:03I know I'm true.
1:15We talked earlier about narcissistic rage.
1:18Like, you used the term ‘cognitive dissonance.’
1:22We might doubt whether the person
1:24standing in front of us is the person we loved.
1:27In experiences like that, physical abuse or verbal abuse,
1:32did you have to go through all of that?
1:34Because when they are in a state of rage, they will be standing there,
1:38unaware of their surroundings.
1:40Definitely, Chechi.
1:41Obviously.
1:42See, I'm an actor.
1:45The world will collectively call us something.
1:48They will slut-shame you.
1:49But imagine your own boyfriend slut-shaming you
1:51right before you have to go on stage and speak.
1:55Two years of my life. The last two years...
1:58I've been constantly pretending that I'm okay.
2:00I-I...
2:01Actually, the person you’re talking to right now is
2:03the same person I am at home and everywhere else.
2:06I don’t wear a mask and walk out of the house.
2:08I'm the same person but last two years...
2:12I've been pretending that I'm okay.
2:15And once I did not
2:18That’s why, when I was sitting there in a red churidar at a promotional event
2:22for Paradha (2025), I started crying when a journalist asked me a question.
2:26I’m generally not someone who cries on stage,
2:28no matter how difficult the situation is.
2:30I started crying.
2:31That’s because I had just been through some of the most awful things
2:35a woman can hear,
2:36right before I walked onto the stage to talk about and promote my film.
2:41A small film like Paradha (2025).
2:43During that time, when the person who was supposed to protect us
2:45was the very person destroying us, I was sitting in front of the media,
2:48pretending to be happy, positive, and all smiles.
2:51People mocked me for that.
2:53They called me all sorts of names for that.
2:55'Playing the sympathy card,’ ‘a strategy to promote the movie’...
2:58It had nothing to do with Paradha.
3:00It was what I was going through in my real life.
3:02There are countless situations, more than a hundred, honestly,
3:06where I could sit and explain,
3:08“This is what happened.”
3:09But you only need to listen to those five situations to understand
3:11how devastating narcissistic abuse can be.
3:14But my intention is not to come and sit here and talk about
3:18my personal life because, at this point, like I said,
3:21I’m not a victim. I’m a survivor. I survived it.
3:24When did you realise that this was a problem?
3:26You decided to come out of it, right?
3:29That decision is what most people fail to make.
3:33When did you take that decision.
3:35See, it's very difficult.
3:36The reason is...
3:37this relationship is never stable.
3:41So, this is not stable.
3:42It’s like, it’s either very high or very low.
3:45Because there is no normal to it.
3:47There are times when this person would be like,
3:49“Let’s end this.”
3:51Two days later, he would come and say,
3:52“I can’t live without you, babe.
3:54How do you expect me to live without you? I will never leave you."
3:58And then this patch-up happens again. It keeps happening and happening.
4:02There was a point in this year where...
4:05again...
4:06when all these abuses were happening...
4:08I was going through my own battles in my life.
4:11When you're going through extreme anxiety and stress...
4:14If there are 10 percent problems, they will increase them to 70 percent.
4:20The physical effects because of this anxiety and abuse...
4:27For example, I would have my legs randomly...
4:32Panic attacks and anxiety attacks, yes!
4:34Then constant blackouts. I was losing a lot of weight.
4:37All of this didn’t happen before this?
4:39Nothing of this sort had happened before.
4:40None of this.
4:42None of this.
4:43I was a happy child. I was a normal child.
4:45I would just chill in my life. That’s it.
4:47Our legs would suddenly start to shiver,
4:49our hands would start shaking, and we couldn’t even control it.
4:52My right eye...
4:54would start glitching.
4:55You have to stop shooting because my eyes would start glitching.
5:00You can't even stop it.
5:01A situation like that.
5:02Then there were so many more.
5:04Then there were the gut issues because I wasn’t eating anything.
5:06Whatever I ate, some conversation would happen, it would trigger my anxiety,
5:11and I would throw up. I lost so much weight.
5:13Like Madonna told, no? I’ve lost so much weight.
5:16I was crying every single night
5:19for hours and hours,
5:21and I would have to get up and go to the shoot.
5:23And all of a sudden, my lacrimal gland,
5:27That lacrimal gland came down till here.
5:30It was swollen, and I had to get surgery done.
5:32If you see the promotions of Paradha (2025) and all,
5:34you can see that one side of my eye was very swollen.
5:37Both sides would be swollen,
5:38but the lacrimal gland itself had fallen down completely from there,
5:41and then they had to stitch it back.
5:43And there is a lot more.
5:45Like, I was already going through some other physical issues.
5:50You would expect some sort of kindness from your partner
5:53when you’re going through a lot of pain in your life.
5:57Nothing.
5:58It’s okay if even that wasn’t there, but there was only more destruction.
6:02There are wounds in my body
6:04like, not by physical abuse.
6:06Not directly by someone punching. No.
6:08It was not direct physical abuse.
6:10Wounds and issues in my body that can never be healed.
6:14Physical and mental ones.
6:16For whatever I went through.
6:18People who are going through this...
6:21Like I said, these 12 people who called...
6:23Even the people in my family, seeing all this,
6:26no matter how much I explain,
6:28there is a limit to how much they can understand.
6:30The first question everyone would ask me is,
6:32“Why didn’t you leave then?”
6:33"Why couldn't you come out of it?"
6:35But they don’t understand that it’s like a spiderweb.
6:38The more we try to wiggle our way out of it,
6:40the more it gets wrapped around us.
6:42This won’t be understood by someone looking at it from the outside.
6:44But these 12 people who called, by the time you start a conversation
6:47with them, you feel like lifelong besties
6:49because what you went through is the same.
6:52It’s textbook. It’s like a textbook.
6:54Their traits are all similar.
6:57They’re all similar.
6:59The reasons they gave, the blame they put on you,
7:01the manipulation, the gaslighting, everything is the same.
7:06The main thing people are going to ask is,
7:10"Anu,
7:11how did you realise this was narcissistic abuse?
7:14Without consulting a psychiatrist or getting an analysis from a psychologist,
7:20how did you come to the conclusion that it was narcissistic abuse
7:23or that the person involved was a narcissist?"
7:25That's the problem.
7:26“On what basis have you come to that conclusion?”
7:30is what everyone is going to ask.
7:31So, that’s where I’m telling you that there is less awareness around us.
7:34So, while this was happening throughout these two years,
7:39I didn’t know it was narcissistic abuse.
7:42But...
7:42There was a point at the beginning of this year when I was going through
7:46so many health issues,
7:47and then I understood that this stress was triggering them so badly.
7:50And that day, I had a very big conversation where I said,
7:53"You’re affecting my peace. I can’t. I don’t know.
7:57I might die really soon if this is how my life is."
7:59And then you start drawing boundaries.
8:02And slowly, you start to see through this person.
8:05Like, he is a good guy.
8:09He has so many traumas from his past,
8:11whether from his family or whatever other issues he had.
8:13There is some goodness in him, but it's his flaws.
8:16That’s the problem with love.
8:17Love is blind because we try to cover up most of the mistakes he makes,
8:21even though we know they’re wrong.
8:22And especially if it’s trauma bonding, it’s extreme.
8:26So, you start
8:29catching this person lie.
8:31You start confronting it.
8:32That person also starts realising, “Okay, now she is seeing through me.
8:37She is understanding me.”
8:39Their biggest power was their control,
8:43the control that they misinterpret as love.
8:46Slowly, they will start to be careful about it.
8:52So, I have told him. At some point, I also told him, “See, I don’t care.”
8:56There were times when I said, “I cannot live without you.”
9:00But at this point, I’m saying, “I want to live.”
9:03I was not able to.
9:04If we say, "If you want, you can leave," they won’t.
9:06But slowly, what they do is
9:08They try to make you the problem in their circles.
9:13You understand?
9:14They want to portray you as the problem.
9:17And this kept happening and happening, and all of a sudden,
9:21I had to
9:23see something so bizarre that I still can’t rationalise in my head.
9:27I still don’t understand it.
9:30That is when everything erupted.
9:32It means whatever I saw
9:35triggered something so big in that person that it erupted,
9:39and then the families had to get involved.
9:41Even at that point, I was still like, "Ayyo, I can’t live without him.
9:45I’m so attached.
9:46I’ll go for therapy. I’ll do everything possible."
9:49We were in our addicted zone.
9:51And then the conversation about breaking up was happening,
9:54and he was like, "No, no, I can’t make a decision right now."
9:56There was no clarity. I was getting the silent treatment,
9:59and there was still no clarity.
10:00Families were involved, and so many truths were coming out.
10:04It means...
10:05the entire bubble broke.
10:07The protection bubble broke.
10:08And then there was a point where...
10:11few days into it,
10:12I was like...
10:13I understood. I was crying 24/7.
10:15And I understood if this is what's gonna happen, I might ****
10:18Because when I was in the relationship,
10:21on a normal day also, I would feel like,
10:23“If I die right now, I’ll get so much peace, right?
10:25How happy I would be.”
10:27You will reach at a psychological state like that.
10:30You understand?
10:31And this is happening, and you feel like there’s nothing else.
10:33"I can’t live without this person."
10:35Okay, fine. Whatever it is, I need closure.
10:37"If we’re ending this right now, let’s talk and end this.”
10:40A situation like that came up.
10:42I had to threaten that person saying something
10:44for that person to even talk to me.
10:46Because narcissists are people who conveniently escape every situation.
10:51They don't take accountability
10:53for anything they do.
10:55Any problem created by them, they blame it on others.
10:58Anything happens, they don't take accountability.
11:00So, I called.
11:01We had a conversation and I'm telling you...
11:04From thinking that this wound would never heal, that I could never forget him,
11:08that I would have to die for that to happen,
11:11in the last 10 seconds of that conversation,
11:15when I saw him, you could really see that mask peeling off.
11:20You could really see the demon
11:23because even when you end something,
11:26that person’s only intention is to injure you for life.
11:30Suppose, I'm telling you...
11:32Imagine, we are stopping our relationship.
11:34We're going to separate.
11:36You will say nice things, no?
11:37You will say, "Have a nice life, good life."
11:38That person won't even say that.
11:40That person would want that injury forever
11:43and that last few seconds made me understand...
11:46I really wondered how I managed to live with a person
11:49who couldn’t even properly communicate during a closure
11:52after being together for over two years.
11:54That...
11:55What happened to me?
11:57That moment turned it around in your head.
11:59Flipped.
12:00After that, I haven't shed even a drop of tear for him.
12:03That moment I sat there in silence and I felt numb.
12:06The only thing I wanted was to heal.
12:10I wanted to heal.
12:11I know I punished me so much.
12:14I disrespected me so much.
12:16I was disconnected from me.
12:17I felt no worth. Nothing
12:20about myself.
12:21Self-respect.
12:23Relationships will reach a point where that will be questioned, right?
12:29What was the point when you felt, ‘"I’m losing even my self-respect"?
12:35This self-respect...
12:37When we feel love, most often we put aside our self-respect.
12:45But if it is valued, if that love is valued,
12:47then it's okay.
12:48I was in a situation where I was ashamed that I'm an actor.
12:52I was ashamed that I was confident.
12:54I was ashamed that I have my periods and I'm a woman
12:57because
12:59The first day of the cycle,
13:005th day of the cycle,
13:0210th day of the cycle,
13:0315th day of the cycle,
13:0420th day, 25th day,
13:06Any day of the cycle,
13:07you confront this person for a mistake that person has done,
13:10They will say, "Oh, you’re PMSing. Your period is yet to come."
13:14So, I was so ashamed.
13:15I was someone who dreamed of having 11 children.
13:18At this point, I don't even want kids.
13:20So, I felt so bad
13:22for being a woman itself.
13:25I felt so bad about all my achievements.
13:27Being an actress...
13:30- became a bad thing.
13:31Bad thing in a way that...
13:33imagine that you're slut-shamed by your own person constantly...
13:37Was there ever an attempt to take that person to therapy or to a therapist,
13:41or to resolve things by communicating with each other?
13:44To resolve it somehow...
13:45Any kind of attempt?
13:47I understand how it works, but for the benefit of the viewers,
13:51because everybody would ask you this:
13:53"Didn’t you try to take that person to a doctor to solve it?"
13:57So, basically,
13:58This person had been going to therapy for a long time.
14:02Really, for a long time, like, every now and then.
14:04They would go to therapy, and you would see a change for two days.
14:07See, Chechi, there is one thing.
14:09There is something I don't understand.
14:10I'm still in a fix.
14:12Whether they do this intentionally or not, we still can’t say.
14:17It means, what was real?
14:19The love was real or the hate was real?
14:22What was real?
14:23We still can't say.
14:25And when I think about the moments of love,
14:27I feel that's real.
14:28when I think about the moments of apology,
14:31I feel that is real.
14:32then when I think of the moment of hate and anger,
14:35I feel that is also real.
14:37So, this person was someone who had been through a lot of therapy.
14:39And there was a time where
14:41we tried taking a couple therapy together.
14:43And I understood that this person was not their real self
14:47in the therapy.
14:48And after that, I would ask this person,
14:50"Let’s go for couples therapy and figure it out."
14:52That person didn't...
14:54I don't know. I don't know why that person didn't show interest.
14:57But he was not ready for it.
14:59I wonder, probably,
15:01he found certain things about himself during therapy
15:04That’s the thing. This is something that’s very hard to diagnose.
15:06Firstly, narcissistic people saying yes to therapy is rare.
15:12And even if they agree to therapy,
15:14are they manipulating as well?
15:17Because we don't know if they are presenting their real self.
15:20So, it is very difficult.
15:22They don't...
15:24They don't. Sometimes,
15:25you call it a disorder.
15:27'Narcissistic Disorder'
15:28We call it a kind of disorder.
15:31But is that actually a disorder?
15:33Because when they go outside,
15:36they are able to talk to everyone very kindly and humbly.
15:40But when they come inside the room...
15:42If it's disorder, it's something you can't control, right?
15:45Disorder is something you can't control.
15:47But then why?
15:48Why do they behave so different outside
15:53and then why do they behave so different inside?
15:56They are two different people.
15:58After hearing all this, I feel like,
16:00you have
16:01lived an entire life,
16:03cycle through these two years, right?
16:07When you look back at it now, what do you feel at this moment?
16:12Like I said,
16:14the easiest way to convey what I went through was
16:17me sitting and explaining whatever I went through.
16:19Like, you know parts of it.
16:21But that's not what I want because
16:23again, I'm telling you, I'm not a victim right now. I'm a survivor.
16:26But when I came here today and sat for this interview and explained
16:30about narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding...
16:33Like, I was trauma bonded to this person.
16:35Didn't I say earlier?
16:36The thing that I thought was love, or unconditional love,
16:39initially could have been love.
16:41But afterwards, it was more like an attachment and an addiction.
16:45Just like an addiction to a drug.
16:46And whatever you go through during a breakup
16:49was also like withdrawal.
16:51Don’t people blabber when they don’t get cigarettes?
16:53I've known people...
16:55I've heard people talk about withdrawals but I really experienced it
16:58during my breakup.
17:00But I really know there is
17:03no awareness about narcissistic abuse and the danger of it.
17:07I have **** ****** myself.
17:09I never **** ****** in my life.
17:11Not even the thoughts.
17:12I had a lot of dreams in my life.
17:14Not big dreams.
17:15These basic joys that we get.
17:18I’m someone who was self-made,
17:19came from a very middle-class family,
17:22and somehow became a part of a lot of movies.
17:25The universe has really been kind to me.
17:27And then you want to achieve something. Literally, you small dream, goals,
17:30I'm someone who lives like that.
17:31And I’m generally a happy person.
17:33If I, that person, have reached a point where I ****-*****d,
17:36thought that death was the most peaceful thing I could ever achieve
17:40in this life, and still went to a success meet for my film while the world thought,
17:47"Anupama has everything she needs.
17:49She’s living the dream life of so many people,"
17:54this is what the reality has been for the last two years.
17:58It's miserable.
17:59I've been an idiot.
18:01I've been unethical.
18:02I've been like stupid.
18:04And it's not a proud thing for me to come and say this.
18:07Yes.
18:08A weak, vulnerable and pathetic side of mine.
18:12It’s not easy to fathom that this strong and independent woman
18:14fell so far that she became weak,
18:15had no self-respect, and felt like an absolute fool.
18:20By saying this, I want every woman...
18:23I'm sitting here like this, right?
18:25People think that at least I have this power.
18:27I have no power. Nothing.
18:28Absolutely nothing.
18:30But, at least, every woman should understand...
18:33Every man should understand because
18:35there is no gender in this.
18:36Before this, I was in a seven-year narcissistic relationship with a woman.
18:42It wasn’t a romantic relationship; it was a work-related relationship.
18:45Okay?
18:46And...
18:47I used to feel similarities between both of the people
18:50but I didn't recognize it till
18:52this happened.
18:54This flip happened.
18:55When did you recognise the term ‘narcissistic abuse’?
18:59So, after this call...
19:00This particular last call,
19:01I was numb for some time.
19:03I didn't know what to do.
19:04Something struck me.
19:05And I'm telling you. This is a hack that I wanna tell you.
19:08During that time,
19:10The only thing I wanted to...
19:11When this was over,
19:13I was existing in the world.
19:15If you imagine there’s a shot where you’re flying out of the world
19:18and looking at the world from space, I looked at my life like that.
19:23How did I end up here?
19:24I saw an AI-generated picture of myself on Instagram where I saw myself
19:27holding the little baby me.
19:31I looked at it and thought, "If I sit here like this,
19:34I can keep feeling guilty, thinking I ruined myself,
19:37and feel worthless and all."
19:39I've already punished this girl so much.
19:42Why would I do that to her
19:44even one more second in my life?
19:45That was my thought.
19:47The next thing I did was...
19:49I have a FINSTA.
19:50Fake Insta profile is called FINSTA.
19:53Okay.
19:54These are all new things for me also.
19:55FINSTA.
19:57I went and searched words like...Keywords like heartbreak, healing.
20:03I only searched for these two words because those are the two words I knew.
20:07After the search, while I was scrolling through the suggested videos,
20:11I watched one, and by the time it finished,
20:14I felt like this man was looking into my eyes and talking directly about me.
20:19And it was about narcissistic abuse.
20:21It checked all the boxes.
20:24All this while, neither my Instagram algorithm
20:26nor my YouTube search history had ever suggested
20:28anything about narcissistic abuse.
20:31I have not heard anyone talk about it.
20:33For the first time, I saw that, and I was like, ‘Damn.
20:37This is what...
20:38Then I saw stubborn narcissistic abuse.
20:41And it checked all the boxes.
20:44Everything.
20:45And it was heartbreaking.
20:47And it showed me what trauma bonding is and I realised...
20:51See, it's not blaming one person.
20:52The situation of an empath trapped in
20:54a trauma bond is the same as that of a narcissist.
20:57So, it’s the situation of the relationship that is the most toxic part of it.
21:00And from that moment, all I wanted to do was heal.
21:04So, I watched a lot of videos about it and read about it.
21:07Podcasts, reels, all these things I was watching.
21:10And whatever problems came my way, I would write them down.
21:14Therapy was not working. I tried therapy.
21:16But I prefer actually...
21:18Because I’ve been through so many issues in my life,
21:22it works better for me if I resolve them all on my own.
21:25So, I would write all my...
21:26Now, I'm sensing a feeling from here.
21:28What is that feeling?
21:29Okay, my stomach is hurting.
21:30Oh, there is a burning sensation in my chest.
21:32What did I think about it just before that?
21:34I started writing about all of it.
21:37And I wrote it down.
21:38I could answer so many things that were unanswered in my mind.
21:43And that's when I realised it is narcissistic abuse.
21:46And also, it’s just a textbook thing, you know!
21:50It's like...
21:51There will be no differences.
21:53When you see, there is nothing different.
21:55Actually, I'm thinking about all the things that Anu just said...
21:58The common term that we use in our society is ‘toxic relationship.
22:03So, there is a lot of difference between
22:06a toxic relationship and narcissistic abuse
22:08where there is...
22:09different level altogether.
22:11But still,
22:13I'm sure a lot of people out there
22:16would be able to kind of...
22:19if, God forbid, they're going through it,
22:22they'll be able to relate.
22:24definitely...
22:25- to this experience that you've had.
22:28Because to survive and come out of it...
22:31I think...
22:32Like Madonna said, again, I'm referring that conversation,
22:36Identifying it is the most difficult part of it.
22:40And some people don't identify it
22:42They’re saying they’ve been in a relationship for 18 years, 20 years.
22:46Some people I talked to said they’d been in it for 17 years
22:51without understanding.
22:52They’ll stay in it. They’ll continue because after that,
22:56if you’re married, your family, your future,
22:59everything is invested in it.
23:01And we’re seeing so much in the news, Chechi.
23:03We see it on a daily basis.
23:05It means, after marriage, you go to a house,
23:07and if the girl has a problem there, she might complain about it at home.
23:10But this girl might not be able to open up about all the
23:13problems in that family, right?”
23:15She will go back to that house, and instead of explaining everything,
23:18she will try to choose peace.
23:19The same concept I mentioned earlier.
23:20Even while being normal,
23:22the only way to find peace is death.
23:24That's the feeling I get.
23:26That's the scariest thing
23:27that when you're not scared of death.
23:28I have to thank you Anu for sharing what you did.
23:31Because like you said,
23:33this is very difficult to even share.
23:35Because somewhere, you do have that sense of shame that
23:40I couldn’t save myself sooner,
23:43or...
23:44or the guilty thought that I lost my sense of what was right and wrong.
23:51But that's...
23:52It's not easy to overcome that and share it.
23:57And the intention to identify this abuse...
24:02You're sharing this to everybody out there to share that tool you used.
24:08Not even worried about the consequence.
24:11Definitely not, Chechi.
24:12Anu, that's what I am asking...
24:13When you talk like this there is going to be a backlash.
24:17How are you going to protect yourself from the backlash?
24:20I'm not waiting for anyone's validation, Chechi, at this point.
24:23I'm not.
24:24I know I'm true.
24:26That's it.
24:27Sometimes people misunderstand silence for...
24:30maturity.
24:31But sometimes silence could also be fear.
24:34I'm not scared.
24:35If someone else is silent, it could be the fear that
24:38certain truths might come out.
24:41So, and if...
24:43I'm ready...
24:44It means, I know how difficult that is...
24:47I know there are a lot of problems happening in society.
24:48A lot of problems here and there.
24:50Those are things I’m not personally well aware of.
24:52But something that I experienced,
24:55even after knowing its seriousness,
24:58all I would want is to save at least a few people.
25:02At least two people leaving this video and Googling “narcissism,”
25:05thinking, “What is this Anupama even ranting about?” is enough for me.
25:09The shift in their algorithm is enough.
25:12Even if the video doesn’t help them directly,
25:14if it makes them think of someone they know who might be stuck
25:17in a toxic relationship, and they forward it to them saying,
25:19“Hey, have you seen Anupama’s video? Have you heard about narcissism?
25:23Why don’t we research about it?”
25:26if they ask that, that is my success.
25:29This person who is sitting with this career...
25:31I’m not someone with a lot of power or influence.
25:33I came by all my myself.
25:34From zero I came.
25:36My first salary was credited to the very account
25:38from which I had taken my student loan.
25:40I paid my student loan.
25:42From there... I came from zero.
25:43And I have no fear to go back to zero.
25:46I have no fear.
25:48But I think I went through that.
25:52All that.
25:53And the universe gave me the strength
25:55to overcome that.
25:57And they better for a reason.
25:59And I think this is the reason.
26:00Why am I sitting here and talking about all this?
26:03because I hope that someone listening will go
26:06and research narcissistic abuse.
26:08They can cuss me out all they want. I don’t care.
26:10But if I can save even one person from going through something like this,
26:13I’ll be more than happy. That alone would be enough for me.
26:16I don't want cinema. It's okay. I have earned enough money for myself.
26:20I will sell off my land and live somewhere peacefully, doing some job.
26:25It's okay. I don't care.
26:27Don't say like that. You have lots of projects coming up.
26:30Let's move to the future which is looking great right now...
26:35Definitely.
26:35Touchwood.
26:36What are the upcoming projects that you’re most excited about?
26:39I'm doing one very interesting project with someone in Tamil.
26:46And after that, I'm doing a Telugu film.
26:49It's not that. I can't say.
26:52The moment this realisation happened, something flipped.
26:55There is something that flipped.
26:56The moment I cut off my hair, something also flipped in my life.
26:59And I'm so excited about...
27:01so excited about my career
27:03like life looks really colorful.
27:06I'm looking at the world with my eyes wide open
27:07and my head held high after a long time.
27:09Because I would be scared to even look like that.
27:11So, life looks so beautiful.
27:13And I should tell you one thing.
27:16After 8–9 years of being an actor,
27:23we start feeling lazy about taking selfies and talking to people.
27:27But in these two years, when I wasn't allowed to do any of that,
27:30suddenly coming out of it made me realize
27:31how much I enjoy taking selfies now.
27:32If someone asks for a selfie, I'll be like, "Okay, come on."
27:35Do you want to talk? Come, let's talk.
27:37I'm excited to talk.
27:39It's like...
27:40A lot of passion of mine...
27:42My working hours changed in my regular life.
27:44When I was squeezed tight for these two years, I lost a lot of opportunities.
27:49When I lost all of that, I started valuing my work more.
27:54Valuing all the gifts that the universe has given me much more.
27:57Valuing human connections.
27:59Valuing everything
28:01that I have today a lot more.
28:03If you go into a relationship again, what is it that you would look for
28:09as a green flag
28:11in your potential partner?
28:12What will be the green flag?
28:14And I'm asking about the red flags as well.
28:16When I'm in love, I used to do the smallest things,
28:19like draw a picture of them or create a DIY gift, you know?
28:22That unconditional love, where you become so blind with a person, no?
28:29That is how I love a person.
28:32I don't know if I'll ever be able to love someone like that anymore.
28:38So, I don't know.
28:39I really wish.
28:40You understand?
28:41I'm not against men.
28:43Like, I really love men and women. Both.
28:46I'm not against men.
28:47But you don't know if you could ever be that version of yourself again,
28:51because that version of me was someone who would blindly trust.
28:55Even if the entire world said bad things about a person,
28:57I would still trust my partner blindly.
28:59I'm not someone who would even bother about who is texting whom.
29:02My password might be known to my partner,
29:04but I wouldn't know any of my partner's passwords.
29:06I had relationships in the past.
29:08I'm like, if I trust this person and love this person,
29:11I will give anything for them.
29:14If you ask me if I can love like that again, I don't know.
29:16I really wish
29:18that happens.
29:19And when it comes to red flags,
29:21I’ve already fallen into hot water once,
29:23so I’ll be scared even if I see normal water.
29:24There will be so many red flags.
29:26Uh, green flag...
29:28First green flag would be accountability.
29:31Accountability.
29:32That's it.
29:34Be it anything. No matter what you do, if it's wrong,
29:37take responsibility for it.
29:39And apologize for it?
29:40Apologize for it and change!
29:42Apology is not enough.
29:44Change.
29:44I believe in change and not apology.
29:46Anyone can apologize.
29:48If they can put their ego aside, they can apologize.
29:51But to change, that takes a lot of effort.
29:55That's where the problem with narcissists lies.
29:58They would not...
30:00They are like empty vessels.
30:01They don't see connection.
30:02They always want consumption.
30:05They are empty vessels, and they’re going to consume your supply.
30:08And they cannot
30:09The moment they understand that
30:11you recognize what they are...
30:14They would wanna come out of it.
30:16They wanna escape it and find a new target.
30:18They want a start fresh.
30:20They imagine... they will be delusional of starting a life with another person,
30:23but the same future.
30:26So, to be honest, I actually feel very sad for narcissists as well.
30:31In fact, imagine being a narcissist itself is a big punishment.
30:38Imagine not being able to go outside as ourselves.
30:41The plight of having one version of yourself inside a room
30:44and wearing a mask when you go outside.
30:45It feels a lot of effort when we wear makeup and go out.
30:48Imagine, you have to put makeup on your heart as well?
30:50This is not something that should be gender-based.
30:53And also, you can have a narcissistic mom or dad,
30:56a sibling,
30:57you can have a narcissistic son or daughter.
31:00Boss. -Boss!
31:02Having narcissists in the workplace is like hell.
31:04They will never let you grow.
31:07So, the moment you discover a narcissist,
31:11just run. Don't try to fix them.
31:13Don't try to fix them. They are not gonna be fixed.
31:17Most people have created this fantasy...
31:22What we will do is...
31:23In our minds, we will replace reality with the delusional possibility of
31:28a better life or the possibility of a change.
31:30It's all because of these trauma bonds that
31:33these victims or empaths are going through.
31:37Don't ever assume that this man is going forward or this woman
31:41is going to go ahead and have a better life than you.
31:46Or a better partner, or a better marriage,
31:49or that he will sort out all his issues or her issues and have a better life.
31:53Don't think that at all. It's never gong to happen.
31:56It's definitely not going to happen.
31:57It cannot change.
31:59One other possibility is them acting inside the same way they act outside.
32:04But there's a problem to that as well.
32:05How long can you act?
32:07And I just wish you the best, Anu.
32:11Whatever lessons life has thrown at you, may you grow even more from them.
32:17But before we go any further,
32:18I'm not going to let you go without playing a small game.
32:24It's called I'M GAME.
32:26And it is designed by a friend, Vanessa.
32:28So, she has designed this card game.
32:32NOT UP TO YOU. DARLING
32:34Not up to you.
32:35I can't do this. This is not something I can do.
32:37Being irresponsible and unaccountable.
32:41Whatever happens,
32:43I have to be accountable.
32:44The one thing I respect in life is accountability.
32:47I will make mistakes because I'm a human being.
32:49I'll do mistakes.
32:50But it's more important to be accountable for that.
32:53So, being unaccountable is not something I can do.
32:54One thing I've been meaning to do but kept postponing.
32:58Actually, it was my hair only.
33:00To cut your hair?
33:02I always wanted to go really short.
33:03Because everyone, from the beginning, would say, "Your hair is so beautiful.
33:08Curly hair looks good on you. My mother always liked my hair.
33:10My hair was this long.
33:11Duuring this breakup period, I was like...
33:15I don't know, there is something.
33:16That's something connected to girls
33:18and then heartbreaks and the hair.
33:21I don't know what.
33:23I held my hair like this and cut it off.
33:26And the moment I did that, I felt light.
33:29I don't know what.
33:30So, that is one thing I thought I would never do.
33:33But I actually did.
33:34So, that is very recent.
33:36So, that's something I did.
33:37Okay.
33:39Before we take the card, let me ask you something.
33:42When you work in different languages, what is the quality you need?
33:47Because you were only 18 when you were leaving Kerala.
33:49Then after that, Tamil, Telugu, and then acting with Dhanush
33:53opposite.
33:54And like that, different languages, handling different kinds of people...
33:59What is the one skill that we need?
34:02First thing is a lack of shame.
34:05It's like you should never be scared
34:08to make mistakes.
34:09Okay.
34:09You are no one like...
34:11You don't have to be...
34:12That's the problem with our world.
34:14They always want perfection.
34:17For example, I will share a small incident.
34:20Like, recently, I read a comment.
34:22"You are so ugly, very average looking,
34:25and he deserves better."
34:26A comment like that.
34:27I think that's the best compliment I have gotten in my life.
34:31That was a comment that came from a 40–45-year-old woman's original profile.
34:37But it's the best comment I have received because
34:41an average looking girl like me
34:44sitting here today, you're listening to me,
34:47and I've survived 12 years in an industry with a lot of competition.
34:50To say that, and to be a representative of an average-looking girl
34:54with no background who is self-made,
34:59is a proud thing, you know?
35:00I'm here because of my talent. So, that's the best thing.
35:03So, putting aside people's obsession with this perfect kind of thing
35:07and accepting that we're ordinary, we're normal,
35:10and we can make mistakes is a better thing.
35:12See, I can speak Telugu.
35:13There would be mistakes if I speak right now.
35:16But it's okay.
35:17Basically, it's for communication and you have to put that effort into it.
35:21And at the end of the day,
35:23like the quote goes, "Necessity is the mother of invention."
35:25When something is necessary, we'll learn no matter what.
35:27That's all.
35:28Do you regret not continuing your studies?
35:32Actually, I regret it not for the studies
35:34but for friends.
35:36I haven't really had any friends.
35:39My biggest regret in life is not having many friends.
35:45Now, I have a lot of friends.
35:46I don't know. Before my relationship, I didn't have so many friends.
35:49But now
35:51I understand my...
35:52This 30s...
35:54Life is so different.
35:55Life is more settled and sorted.
35:57Now, I'm actually making more friends.
35:59So, I only regret not being able to chill with friends during college.
36:04That's all.
36:04An opinion from someone in the industry that you rely on the most.
36:09The person that you turn to because, firstly, there is no one in the family.
36:13So, whom do you turn to?
36:15I-I...
36:17Like, any time of the day, Dulquer.
36:18Dulquer? -Dulquer.
36:19Oh.
36:20I think...I don't know.
36:22Randomly, when I'm not feeling well, I get a text from Dulquer.
36:26I'm like...
36:27What?
36:28"I just wanted to ask you if you are okay?"
36:31And then I will vent whatever I feel like.
36:33And then he is there to support me.
36:35So, Dulquer is that one person.
36:36And then I have Ram.
36:37Ram Pothineni.
36:39So, that is one person.
36:40And there are so many people.
36:42These days, I have a lot more people around me whom I can call up.
36:47But it's majorly Dulquer.
36:49Aww!
36:50And yeah, the card! Sorry.
36:52It's NOPE again. -NOPE.
36:54Okay, let's talk about the places where you say, "Nope."
36:57Where have you said no?
36:59I have said no to things that make me feel uncomfortable
37:04except for last two years.
37:06Everything.
37:07Like, my self-respect is something that I’ve had fights with
37:11almost all the big producers over because I wasn’t comfortable
37:13with certain things.
37:14But we’ve still done 2–3 films together, you understand?
37:17When I say no, it’s because I want better quality for the product,
37:21or because I’m not comfortable with something,
37:23or I feel it’s unethical. That’s why I say no.
37:28But in the last two years...
37:30I mean, I'm...
37:32I've said no to the people around me...
37:33But to one person, I was saying yes to everything.
37:36How real is the casting couch in the industry?
37:39One thing...
37:41I know it is real.
37:43Because I know people who have gone through it.
37:45But for me, I can...
37:46I don't know. I think I'm fortunate.
37:49I can proudly say that I have never encountered anything like that.
37:54I've got all my movies straightforward. There is no shortcut.
37:59But I really, really know that it exists.
38:03And it's very sad.
38:04Because the way they get into this...
38:07That's also like a spider web.
38:09They get stuck there. The more they try to escape from it, the tighter it becomes.
38:15So, I think...
38:17Yeah, it's very difficult because it becomes like a chain.
38:20And to the girls who want to come into the industry...
38:23This is something Alphonse Puthren told me
38:27when I entered the industry during the Premam (2015) time.
38:30Never, ever let go of your self-respect for an opportunity.
38:35The moment you do that, it becomes a habit.
38:38So, it's not worth it. It's not worth it.
38:41It's not worth it.
38:42I understand people's dreams, their passion, everything,
38:44but make sure you go about it the right way, or else you will get stuck.
38:47And that regret is not gonna let you sleep.
38:52That's all.
38:53Anyway...
38:54Yup.
38:56You told me this was a fun game, but this isn't that fun.
38:59Firstly, Masala.
39:01I add masala when I talk about the the tragedies of my life.
39:04I always make it a comedy.
39:08Whatever you said about the last two years is not comedy at all.
39:12I didn't feel like it was comedy at all.
39:13I know it's not comedy.
39:15Like, my life would have been a tragedy
39:17if I wasn't able to sit here and talk today.
39:20But I always like to make my life...
39:22I like to...
39:23make my tragedies as comedy.
39:27And that's how I deal with it also.
39:28I don't keep quiet about anything.
39:30I make fun of myself
39:31and all the stupid things I've done in my life.
39:33And I take it easy like that.
39:35Two skincare and haircare tips.
39:37Haircare tips...
39:39Basically, my haircare is my genetics.
39:41My hair is curly.
39:44I think being gentle with your hair is one good thing I have to tell you.
39:47...tell anyone.
39:48And I use like...
39:51Mine is curly hair.
39:53Even if it's not, you can use a satin pillowcase or a satin cap.
39:58When we use them, the friction with our hair is reduced.
40:01So, that can actually help your hair.
40:03And stop stressing.
40:06Stop anxiety.
40:08There's a meme.
40:10The man who...
40:11What it tells us is that...
40:13When asked what her beauty secret is, a grandmother replies,
40:16"Throw away the man who makes you cry."
40:18Like that, "Throw away the people who make you cry."
40:21So, that's a one secret I can tell you.
40:23But do you have anything specific for your curly hair?
40:27Because a lot of Malayalees have curly hair.
40:30I basically don't know.
40:34Back in the day, we used to wash our hair with rice water and eggs,
40:40though it was very smelly.
40:41This was all done back in the day.
40:43But at this point, I don't do that at all.
40:46I think what you consume is more important.
40:48It gives the hair...
40:50What we consume is more important.
40:52Also, I don't heat my hair.
40:54I rarely use heat.
40:56So, not using heat on your hair is also important.
40:59And for skin?
41:01Skin?
41:02You have beautiful skin, Anu.
41:04It was very bad a few days back. But now, yes, I understand.
41:07I understand it's better.
41:09It's better.
41:10Really beautiful skin.
41:11Thank you so much.
41:12Basic things only.
41:14I don't go to salon.
41:16I shave my eyebrows and pluck them all on my own.
41:18I am someone who trusts dermatologist.
41:21Whatever is available at the medical store is what I apply to my skin.
41:26Definitely SPF moisturiser.
41:28Particularly, when there are acne breakouts,
41:31I use some ointments accordingly.
41:34Okay.
41:34So, basically that.
41:36And I...
41:38I wanna have so many wrinkles in my life.
41:41Like,
41:42with lot of smiles.
41:43Like, the wrinkles you see on mothers because of their wide smiles.
41:47I wanna embrace my age that way and I want to be at that space where
41:51I'm like, "All these wrinkles are marks of my smiles."
41:54Aww.
41:55I AM ______
41:57How will you fill it?
41:58I AM A BADDIE.
42:03One more thing.
42:04Happiest moment that you can recollect.
42:07Something that rushes to your mind quickly.
42:08When people around me, they say,
42:11"I can't believe this is happening."
42:13I think every time they say that...
42:17I used to tell them
42:18that
42:19One day, my threshold will be done and I will switch.
42:23And that switch is real.
42:25Today, each time they accept it, it's like a happy moment for me.
42:30Because it was very hard, Chechi.
42:32And I never thought... they never thought I'd be alive.
42:36Let me say something. I met everyone on the team.
42:39They are people who have been working with Anu for so many years.
42:44And they are family to her.
42:46And what they also say is, there is no greater happiness than this for them.
42:50To get the old girl back.
42:52So, thank you for being on the show.
42:54And thank you for sharing all that you did.
42:57I'm so happy.
42:59For a girl, I think who loves skincare and haircare.
43:03This is a very natural product.
43:06It's sourced from all sustainable ingredients.
43:08Handmade product.
43:10And it's called BodyTree.
43:12And this is our little gift to you.
43:13That's so sweet.
43:14Do try it out.
43:15These are the products I personally tried.
43:17And I vouch for it.
43:18So, I'm gifting it to you.
43:19I'll definitely try it.
43:20Please do. Please do.
43:21It's called BodyTree.
43:23They carefully researched and created this product.
43:29Do try it out, okay?
43:30Thank you so much.
43:31Very nice.
43:32Thank you for being on our show.
43:33I loved being here.
43:35Thank you, Anu. Thank you.
43:37As it Anu, you've been...
43:38A lot of people have spoken about this.
43:40But nobody has gone into such depths.
43:44So, thanks for that.
43:45Thanks for sharing it with the intention of
43:48giving others an idea, an inkling of what it is.
43:51So, thank you so much.
43:53I'm also grateful because...
43:55this is an extremely sensitive topic
43:58to talk about and like...
44:00you know right? How media is like...
44:03They are people who are very excited to twist what we say
44:07and write it in a manipulative way.
44:09And social media, everyone. They wanna rip you apart.
44:12I know, still, I'm very aware that there will be hate comments and
44:16all other things below this.
44:18Yet, I feel extremely safe
44:21to come and talk to you.
44:23Thank you.
44:23It was my conscious choice to come
44:26and talk to someone who can understand this.
44:28And I really believe
44:29It's very difficult to understand it.
44:32And I hope, at least, some of the people watching this video...
44:35will understand the reality of this, the toxicity, narcissistic abuse,
44:41Trauma bonding and all these little words you heard...
44:45If you search for these on Instagram, Facebook, or YouTube,
44:49you'll find some really good podcasts from extremely qualified people.
44:54I really want you to go and watch them.
44:58And there are a couple of movies from our South Indian cinema as well.
45:01There is a movie called Ammu, starring Aishwarya Lekshmi.
45:05And there is another film called The Girlfriend.
45:07Both of these are not my movies.
45:08The Girlfriend is Rashmika's film.
45:11These two movies actually represent
45:14a side of narcissistic abuse really, really well.
45:18And if you think you resonate with any of the things that I talked about,
45:23I really, really want you to go and check out these movies
45:27and research more about these things.
45:28So that you can identify it.
45:30The sooner you identify it, the sooner you come out of it.
45:33You will be much happier.
45:36Thank you so much.

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