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P1/2 I AM HEALING…AFTER BREAKUP…ANUPAMA PARAMESWARAN INTERVIEW | Dhanya Varma @iamwithdhanyavarma — Transcript

by I AM with Dhanya Varma · 5,210 words · 703 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:09There is two years of pain.
0:12Physical...
0:14Emotional...
0:16destruction behind that one post.
0:19See, to be honest, how many times have you asked me to come for an interview?
0:22Why didn't I come?
0:23Because I was scared that if you asked me how I was, I would start crying.
0:28The scariest question you would have at that point is, "How are you?"
0:33If it was ‘she committed s******,’ I’d have received so much love.”
0:38So many boycott cultures would have happened,
0:39along with a lot of discussions as well.
0:41If someone as powerful as me doesn’t come out and...
0:45If I don’t speak about a stupid thing I did,
0:48then who else will?
0:49Who is gonna talk about it?
0:50Next day,
0:52you see Anniyan.
0:54When I say the most brutal...
0:56even if that person is seeing
0:58someone else is stabbing you and killing you,
1:00they wouldn’t even turn their head.
1:02Some conversation would happen, and it would trigger my anxiety,
1:05and I’d throw up.
1:06And I’ve lost so much weight.
1:07Like Madonna told you, no? I’ve lost so much weight.
1:11I was crying every single night.
1:14How did I manage to stay with someone for two years who couldn’t even sit down
1:18and communicate for closure? It makes me wonder.
1:22That...
1:22What happened to me?
1:34Hello and welcome everybody to our show.
1:37Our guest today needs no introduction: Anupama Parameswaran.
1:40Our Mary from Premam (2015) is someone who has worked
1:43in almost all the South Indian film industries
1:46and established herself as a leading actor.
1:49And I'm so happy and proud to have you on the show, Anu.
1:52Thank you, Chechi!
1:52I’ve been pestering you for a while.
1:54But now was the time she wanted to come.
1:56And I'm so happy that you're here.
1:59Yeah, I'm happy too.
2:00If we talk about Anu,
2:02recently she has been in the news because of a post of hers.
2:06And that turned into a long conversation.
2:09I guess there’s this reply of yours from a movie promotion.
2:14The social media post about it went viral.
2:16Your strong statement that,
2:18"What I think is right will be written there," went viral,
2:24and so did that post.
2:28Can you tell me what made you write that post?
2:32So, I guess it’s been around a month since I posted that.
2:37Liike you said, actually,
2:39there were two set of people after reading that post.
2:43One set is, "Oh, girl is healing.
2:45That’s great. I’m just really happy that you’re healing
2:48and finally finding peace in your life.”
2:51Obviously, like there is another side to everything in life,
2:54there’s another category of people like…
2:56They were like,
2:58They said really random stuff.
3:00See, that post didn't come overnight.
3:02There was so much behind that post.
3:04So, people didn't see all that.
3:07It's just, like,
3:08They think, like, "Something went wrong in her life."
3:11And then she clicked a few pictures, made a video, and that’s about it.
3:15And she put a caption.
3:17But there is two years of pain.
3:20Physical...
3:22Emotional...
3:23destruction
3:25behind that one post.
3:26I didn't wanna randomly post some random picture.
3:29It means I didn’t post a random picture just to show, "Oh, I’m okay."
3:34I made sure...
3:34I was not on social media for some time.
3:36There was a long gap in between. -Yes.
3:39And the reason I wanted to post something was only when I was ready.
3:44When I actually healed.
3:46So, there was a journey of a girl
3:49who identified something really, really big about herself
3:52and life itself,
3:54who took her own time to heal,
3:56and then come voice something so important.
4:00You mentioned 'Heal'
4:02You mentioned it in your conversation, and likewise in that post as well.
4:08“Heal from what?” is a big question.
4:11And today, Anu sitting in front of me is not just here for yourself…”
4:16I'm sharing this with our viewers as well.
4:19When we spoke earlier, the one thing Anu said was,
4:22"What I’m going to speak about today is not just for myself,
4:26but for many women who have gone through what I went through,
4:31and I hope something good comes out of this.
4:33That’s why I chose to come to this show today."
4:39So, keeping all those girls in mind
4:42who would have probably endured
4:45whatever you went through.
4:47Let's get into the conversation.
4:50I’d like to understand what was happening in your life
4:54and what is the matter you are speaking of healing from?”
4:58I have gone through narcissistic abuse
5:01for two years.
5:04When I mention this word...
5:06When I mention ‘narcissistic abuse,’ I can imagine a few categories of people now.
5:12First category is for the people like me.
5:16Like,
5:17I think in the last interview with Madonna,
5:19she mentioned narcissistic abuse.
5:21I would come into the room in the middle of the night after the shoot.
5:24After coming to the room, as I was scrolling through Instagram
5:26around 12:30 a.m. or something,
5:28the first reel I saw was Madonna sitting and talking about narcissistic abuse.
5:34My reaction to that was so physical that I started shivering.
5:38So, the first category of people are those who have been through narcissistic abuse,
5:43who know what trauma bonding is, and who have suffered.
5:47And within that category itself, there are family members and relatives
5:49who have seen this person suffer..
5:51who will resonate to what I say.
5:54The second category of people are those
5:55who have no idea what narcissistic abuse is.
5:57People like me from two years ago.
5:59Like, they must have heard the term.
6:01They might have heard the term ‘narcissism,’
6:04but they have no idea what it means.
6:06They didn't have to research about it.
6:08Such a category of people.
6:10And the third category of people are those who immediately react
6:15to ‘narcissism’ by calling it a ‘woman card,’ a ‘feminist term,’
6:20or saying that it is gender-based.
6:25It means not knowing that there is no gender for narcissism
6:30and already commenting negative things
6:33Like men-hating or men-bashing.
6:35Yeah, like that.
6:36But without realising the reality that...
6:38Narcissism doesn’t have a gender, and they’ve already started typing
6:42and commenting, assuming, ‘Now I’m going to sit and talk about feminism.’
6:48The next category of people is basically the category of people
6:51that I really want to talk to.
6:53It means they’re in a narcissistic relationship,
6:57but they still haven’t been able to identify it yet.
6:59That is the most dangerous category.
7:02They will end up breaking up,
7:06breaking themselves completely or they will commit suicide.
7:11If I had posted a picture with the caption, "Rest in Peace, Anupama.
7:14She committed suicide," instead of that post in the yellow dress,
7:19people would have showered me with love.
7:22So many boycott campaigns would have happened, along with
7:24a lot of discussions as well.
7:26But that day I chose to heal
7:28and put up a post where I healed from it.
7:31Tell me about the beginning of this relationship.
7:35We have spoken before and
7:37we're not talking about who the person is.
7:40But in the beginning, when you started this relationship,
7:44most women fail to recognise the danger lurking there.
7:52What was it about the relationship that was very unusual in the beginning?
7:57Because Anu is not someone who hasn’t seen the world.
7:59You’ve been working since you were 18.
8:01Interacting with a lot of people.
8:04But still, didn’t you recognise that there was a problem?
8:09What was that?
8:09The problem was that,
8:12basically, I didn’t have the awareness.
8:14See, before saying that, what I have to say is...
8:17Be it when I saw the social media trigger after I uploaded that post,
8:23or that question from the interview…
8:26When I saw different kinds of reaction, like, in between that....
8:29It’s been more than a month since people started identifying my breakup,
8:35or whatever has happened.
8:37But people's reaction to that post is actually what made me...
8:43I was confused about whether I should speak about this or not
8:46because this isn’t an easy thing to sit down and talk about.
8:49And it was through the audience’s reaction that I understood the importance of it.
8:56First of all, what people are saying is...
9:00"This is seeking attention."
9:03That made me think a lot.
9:04So, during my healing time,
9:08it was just...
9:10I'm really glad...
9:11The universe shows different kinds of red flags.
9:14It means that when something negative happens in our lives,
9:16we might not see it ourselves, but the people around us might say,
9:20"There is something wrong happening to you, but you don’t understand it."
9:23Finally, the universe decides to create a very bizarre, ugly situation in your life
9:28where you definitely have to see it right now,
9:32and that is the point where you flip.
9:34The moment you flip, you want to know what happened to you.
9:38I’m really glad that moment happened to me so quickly.
9:42I posted that photo as an aftereffect of that.
9:45These people who think I was seeking validation commented on it.
9:50Also, everyone uses the terms ‘narcissism’ and ‘narcissistic abuse’ very lightly.
9:59But I know, when I interact with many people in my circle,
10:03I’ve heard these words.
10:05More than the words themselves, it’s the damage they cause.
10:08I’ve realised how deep the damage can be.
10:12For the benefit of the viewers, there are many people who take this lightly,
10:17thinking it’s merely a word, and it’s being used so flippantly by everyone.
10:21"Instead of recognising their own faults, they find it easier to blame others."
10:28What do you have to say to people who say this?
10:31Only people who have gone through it would understand.
10:34That's the truth.
10:36For example,
10:37First of all, people don’t understand what narcissistic abuse is.
10:42And it's not something we can teach people with just one video
10:46or through one conversation.
10:47So imagine, my family...
10:49My family, my dearest friends, or the staff around me
10:53who are there with me all the time…
10:55They all know...
10:57They all knew from the beginning that it wasn’t right for me.
11:00Because they see a change in me.
11:02They see me shrink.
11:04When you’re in a healthy relationship, you grow
11:07You bloom. You'll be happy.
11:08The main problem with narcissistic abuse is that it happens very silently.
11:15It's not a loud thing.
11:16So, what happens here is...
11:19Abuse doesn't start like...
11:20If someone talks to us very rudely all the time,
11:24we can understand that they’re not a good person.
11:27But when it comes to narcissistic abuse, it's very different.
11:31The reason why I say it’s very silent is because
11:33there’s a big misconception about narcissism.
11:38People think that narcissists love themselves a lot.
11:42But actually, they hate themselves.
11:44They are the most insecure people you can find.
11:48They have no self-worth.
11:50They are basically like empty vessels.
11:53So, for them,
11:55basically, what they want is control.
11:58Because they have nothing.
12:00They constantly want validation about themselves.
12:03They are attention seekers.
12:05They need validation to survive. That's their supply.
12:08So now, we can imagine they can find a girl who is very naive and obedient.
12:14No!
12:16The opposite poles attract.
12:17They attract someone who is extremely different from that.
12:20Okay.
12:21Someone who is extremely confident, independent, and secure,
12:27they target them.
12:30And they try to observe them.
12:32They kind of mirror them.
12:35And then they know how to emotionally trap us.
12:40They are extremely good performers.
12:43They show one side to their family and close friends,
12:46and when they step out of that house,
12:49they’re a totally different person.
12:51They will be the most charismatic,
12:53the most gentle, kind, shy,
12:56-Charming. -Charming!
12:57Very, very charming kind of people.
13:00So, in the initial days, they show a version of that to you.
13:03And they identify your weakness.
13:07So, generally they target empaths
13:10So, generally, they target empaths who have a lot of empathy.
13:12So, one thing about me is that...
13:15I'm an empath.
13:16They will observe our basic natures and they try to kind of mirror us.
13:21It means they try to show that our values and their values are the same.
13:26Like, I'm someone who went through a lot of traumas,
13:29so they will also slowly start opening up
13:31about their traumas and whatever they went through.
13:34So, we start to feel a kind of empathy or sympathy.
13:37You'll feel a connection. -Right, a connection.
13:38Then we start talking about us.
13:40So, this person would want to know more about this.
13:43And then they start asking about a lot of information
13:47that no one has ever asked us.
13:49When we’re so invested in understanding them,
13:51what we psychologically feel is
13:53that it’s a twin flame.
13:55Like...
13:56You're being vulnerable.
13:57We’re being extremely vulnerable.
13:59And this love feels
14:02so right.
14:03They're very, very convincing
14:06with their performance that it feels so right.
14:09You get so connected to the person
14:10that you feel like no one in this entire world,
14:13including your parents, was ever able to understand you like this.
14:16That is the love bombing phase.
14:18That’s the first phase of narcissistic abuse, where they love-bomb you.
14:22And how long was that phase for you?
14:24Oh, it's like you can't differentiate it,
14:26you know, because like, two years...
14:28It means that this relationship itself is a trance.
14:31Within this, there’s something they develop in parallel,
14:34which is called the controlling phase.
14:36Slowly, they will start taking control.
14:38They take it very sweetly.
14:42They’re like good strategists.
14:44What kind of controlling did you have to face?
14:48Their controlling is like, they’ll come straight to us and say,
14:51"Don’t wear this dress today."
14:52When they say this, you understand that there’s something not right.
14:55But that’s not how it is.
14:57Their greatest strategy is to make us cut our own branches ourselves.
15:01It means...
15:02They are direct.
15:04I will tell you an example.
15:05For people to understand it more easily.
15:07One day, you’re a person who wears jeans and a top every day.
15:10And then one day, you feel like wearing a churidhar.
15:12You walk in wearing a churidhar.
15:13This person sees you and goes,
15:15"Baby, you look so beautiful in a churidhar.
15:19This is the best thing. You look like wife material."
15:22And then you’re like,
15:23‘Oh, my baby. He likes it so much. So let me buy one more churidhar."
15:27Like that, one churidhar becomes two churidhars, then four churidhars,
15:31and then you’re wearing churidhars all the time.
15:34We don’t realise that our fashion is changing.
15:36We transform like that.
15:38"Baby, the way you were sitting at the dining table and talking today,
15:41you were very controlled, you were very classy, you were very silent.
15:45Now you're silent.
15:46Because my partner likes it.
15:49The one who used to laugh at the dining table turns silent and
15:53is liked by the partner.
15:54So, you’re like, "Oh, he likes it."
15:56"So, let me be that way."
15:58And when you’re planning to go to events, they’ll be like,
16:00"Oh, baby! Why do you want to wear sleeveless today?
16:02It’s very hot outside.
16:04Maybe wear some other dress that you’re comfortable in?’
16:06You'll be like, "Aw, he cares for me so much."
16:08"My sleeveless! Oh, right! I'll change my outfit this time."
16:11Next time, even before he asks,
16:13"What outfit are you wearing today, baby?"
16:15we’ll be sending him our options.
16:17Then it becomes mandatory to send that person
16:21photos of what we’re wearing and get their permission.
16:24And then you start wearing whatever that person decides.
16:27And then on Instagram, you post something, and that person is going to say,
16:30"Do you think that photo was appropriate?
16:32I think you should avoid posting that photo."
16:34So, immediately, we go to Instagram and delete that picture.”
16:37Instead we repost it again.
16:39And the next time, instead of deleting and reposting it,
16:42what we think would be better is sending the picture to our partner,
16:44letting him sort it out, getting his approval, and then posting it.
16:46He posts a comment,
16:48and it will show that you’re more affectionate towards your audience.
16:52So, better you ask chettan for a comment.
16:55"Your song is looking a little
16:58what do they call, desperate or something."
17:01Then I’ll say, "You select the song, baby!"
17:03Like that, my connections, my friendships and all of that...
17:07They will give you these small, small punishments that make
17:10you understand that, in order to
17:13avoid conflict,
17:16you have to avoid certain situations, avoid conversations, avoid this and that.”
17:22So, we will cut each of our branches ourselves.
17:26What are these punishments?
17:28It will be smaller ones.
17:29It can be the silent treatment
17:32the sudden withdrawal of affection from us.
17:35So, by this time, when they start this controlled pattern,
17:39they would just, get so attached to an extent like,
17:42after the first couple of dates, you're taken to their house.
17:46Their home.
17:47For meeting their family.
17:49Having...
17:50lunch with them.
17:52I mean, within three months, the person is already talking about getting engaged.
17:55And the family is asking, "Where should we have the engagement?
17:59Which destination do you prefer? How many people do you want?"
18:02This is being asked within three months?
18:03Three months into the relationship.
18:05It can't be that fast.
18:07It can't be.
18:09And for the people...
18:10They call you gold digger and all these names, no?
18:12For the people who have been calling me that...
18:15There is one thing I wanna make clear that...
18:17I would have gotten married to that person
18:19and probably that would have ended up in divorce
18:21if I didn't stop
18:23the engagement call.
18:24I'm the one who constantly stopped the engagement call
18:28because I knew this was not love. This was just desperation
18:32so that I would quit acting.
18:34So, it was Anu only who decided to...
18:35I decided I don't want to get engaged now.
18:38Nobody can deny it.
18:39Whenever they asked me, I always said, "I think this person is really young.
18:43I think we need to take a little more time.
18:46I don’t think it’s the right time. I’m ready. I’m okay.
18:50I'm okay.
18:50I have time. We can do something else.
18:52If kids are your concern, we can do egg freezing. All this stuff.”
18:56But let them take time. Let them grow.
18:59i have postponed this thing so many times
19:02in the relationship.
19:04Because I understood this is not because of love. This is desperation
19:07to someone under control.
19:09Though I couldn’t clearly understand it then,
19:12there was something in my gut that told me
19:15this was too fast and that this wasn’t right.
19:17And by that time,
19:19you’re...
19:22walking on eggshells.
19:23You’re supposed to feel at peace with your partner, no?
19:28But you’re always worried because
19:30even when you have to ask them basic things,
19:35psychologically, you have to reverse them.
19:37You have to think once in your mind,
19:40“What if I say this? What would their reaction be?"
19:44I had to rehearse this in my mind.
19:47And when you’re walking on eggshells,
19:49you’re constantly
19:51uncertain about the day.
19:54So, this is the initial phase.
19:56This is already scary.
19:57That is scary but people don't...
19:59That’s what I’m saying. How you get into this phase happens
20:02very slowly
20:03and very silent
20:04that you don't even understand that you're there.
20:06By that time, you’re deeply in love because
20:08the families are talking, I’ve stayed with their family,
20:12and the partner is staying with your family.
20:13It’s all serious at this point.
20:15So, you’re already mentally fixed that this is your person
20:18and this is the person you’re going to spend your life with.
20:21That's when the real character comes out.
20:25Things become way more tighter.
20:26The control become more direct.
20:29Like?
20:30Why didn’t I promote the movie Dragon(2025)?
20:32That was one of the most successful films in my career.
20:36You will have to let go of so many projects that you do.
20:38You will...
20:39It means that direct interference in your work started to take place,
20:42even though it was completely under your control.
20:45Not only in my work.
20:47Everything. In everything.
20:48Everything. When I say...
20:50Did you get cut off from your family?
20:51Didn't I say earlier? This is not direct cut off.
20:54It is like very indirect.
20:55They’ll make us cut our own branches.
20:58See, the thing is, at one point, you know that there’s something
21:00not right about the relationship where...
21:02See, when we’re in love with someone,
21:04we would want our family to have only good opinions about them.
21:07Yes.
21:08So, we don't open up about this person and what harm this person is causing you.
21:12Or how this person is stopping you from doing certain things.
21:15So, you protect...
21:16you protect from family. And now family is cut off.
21:18Friends obviously won’t tolerate this.”
21:21When I'm shrinking, they will understand it.
21:24So, with our friends...
21:25See, to be very honest, how many times have you asked
21:27to come to this interview, Chechi?
21:29Why didn't I come?
21:30Because I was scared that if you asked me how I was, I would start crying.
21:35The scariest question you would have at that point is, "How are you?"
21:40Because you might break down any moment.
21:43So, like that, sharing this with friends...
21:45with my staff...
21:46I'm very close with my staff.
21:48I don't even look into their eyes because I'm scared if I'd break down.
21:52So, you constantly wanna protect this person.
21:55And that is like...
21:57For them, control is what matters.
21:59But they put a mask of love in front of that.
22:03And then, you don't realise it.
22:06You don't realise it and slowly
22:09career wise...
22:11Psychologically...
22:11This anxiety...
22:13For around one and a half years now, I’ve been shooting continuously, Chechi.
22:20I've been on anxiety medications.
22:22I cannot
22:23go out at all.
22:25When I try to..
22:27There are good days and bad days.
22:29Very funny kind of explanation but...
22:32So, people who don't know about narcissistic abuse,
22:36imagine having Anniyan in your life.
22:38Like one day, he is Remo.
22:40Like, so much love that you feel like, "How lucky am I to have a person
22:46like this in my life? Is this even real? It’s like a dream." A feeling like that.
22:53Next day...
22:56you see Anniyan.
22:57When I say the most brutal...
22:59Even if that person is seeing..
23:01someone else is stabbing you and killing you,
23:03they wouldn’t even turn their head.
23:06That kind of extreme.
23:08And there is a next day where the person is Ambi.
23:11Apologising,
23:12begging you,
23:13pleading you,
23:15promising you that they are never going to repeat this.
23:18Crying like a baby.
23:20And then, again, the love-bombing
23:22The same cycle goes on and on and on and on.
23:27And think about...
23:29Our source of relief at that point is the same person
23:31who is causing us extreme pain.
23:34And it is like having,
23:35Don't we hear about drug usage and all? Yeah, like that.
23:38You think initially, you start with love.
23:41but then they want
23:43you to make them your priority
23:47and you prioritise them.
23:48This becomes more of an attachment.
23:51And then it becomes an addiction.
23:53So, while I’m sitting here, I’m not saying I was in a completely
23:56unconditional love scenario. It’s not that.
23:59This becomes an addiction
24:01where...
24:01They can't survive without a person.
24:03No, they can't.
24:04That is where they bring you.
24:07So, to protect that relationship,
24:11You keep putting a bubble around yourself where you stop communicating
24:15with everyone else because everyone else knows.
24:17Your family will say, "No, don't. This is not right."
24:20Your friends would say, "No, don't. This is not right."
24:22To everyone, you say, "No, you don't understand that person."
24:25And, you know, I don't know. They are extremely good at manipulating you where
24:30we get blamed for problems we’re not even responsible for.
24:33This person would have gone to meet friends.
24:35The friends might have said something about something else,
24:37and they’ll feel bad about it and blame you for it.
24:39It means that when they return, all their frustration will be directed at you.
24:42Yes.
24:44I have read about narcissistic rage before.
24:47What does that rage look like?
24:49Isn’t there a thing called cognitive dissonance?
24:52I don’t know if you know about it.
24:53I know.
24:53That is like...
24:54When the...
24:55You cannot believe it...
24:57There is a belief that we have...
24:58But the truth is...
25:00extremely opposite to that.
25:02You believe that a person who loves you can never do this to you.
25:08But that's actually happening.
25:10We won’t understand how someone who was like this with me
25:13a second ago is behaving so differently moments later.
25:16It means, how can a person we love take a form like this?
25:21This dangerous form.
25:22Yeah.
25:23Is that what you are saying?
25:24Yeah, exactly.
25:26So, coming back to the point...
25:27After that post...
25:31when people mentioned about attention seeking...
25:34I understood...
25:35when I was sitting for research and all
25:37We can see doctors explaining about this...
25:41Psychologists explaining about this.
25:45I was like, "Am I alone in this?"
25:47I mean, I have not any seen celebrity or people with power sit and talk about it.
25:52That is when I realised,
25:54This ‘attention seeker’ label, targeting you on social media, shaming you,
25:59calling you a feminist, and what not, all just to torture you.
26:03That’s exactly why no one has the guts to come out and talk about it.
26:07How many people would recognise it? That also matters, right?
26:10That is definitely there but you know what?
26:12After that post, they didn't even recognise it.
26:15They didn’t even... I didn’t even mention narcissism.
26:18I got 12 calls
26:20from people I’d never even spoken to before.
26:24It means your acquaintances?
26:26I don't even know them.
26:28They found my number and called me.
26:30There were two men, and the rest of them were women.
26:33And they call me and then tell me,
26:35Only people in the film fraternity would be able to reach me.
26:40The people you think have a lot of power,
26:42are financially independent, and are stronger people…”
26:47They called me and they just...
26:50they just start talking...
26:52And when they start talking, you feel like they’re telling your story
26:55"Isn't this my story? How do you know my story?
26:59We're listening to it with this feeling.
27:01It means that even though they’re narrating their own personal stories,
27:04their stories and Anu’s feel very similar, it seems.
27:06How?
27:07“Did they all pass out of the same school? What is this? How is it all so similar?
27:12How is the cycle so similar? How is this entire trauma bond created?
27:16How does it get created?
27:18The pattern, everything is so similar, and there’s no awareness.
27:24And there’s one more thing, Chechi. People often relate silence to maturity,
27:30but silence can also be because of fear.
27:33People always relate to silence....
27:35If we’re talking in a room and we don’t know about the topic, we become silent.
27:40That is maturity.
27:42But silence can also be because of fear.
27:46If said, what are the repercussions?
27:49I have been through so much in life.
27:52I’m someone who has survived a lot of cyberbullying.
27:55You have from the beginning onwards.
27:57Yeah.
27:57And I think I have gone through something
28:01so bad.
28:03And during this entire scenario,
28:06one thing that bothered me mostly was...
28:09Suppose there are at least four people listening to what I’m saying.
28:13If someone as powerful as me doesn’t come out and...
28:16If I don’t speak about a stupid thing I did,
28:20then who else will?
28:21Who is gonna talk about it?
28:23That guilt actually made me sit here today
28:26and talk about it.
28:27Because if someone as powerful like me doesn’t come forward
28:31and talk about this kind of abuse, then who will?”
28:35And...
28:36I know negativity will find its way into what I shared today.
28:40If 100 percent of people are watching and 90 percent of the response is negative,
28:46for the remaining 10 percent of people,
28:48I’m ready to take that 90 percent of negativity.
28:50Because I know very well how serious
28:53what those 10 percent of people are going through is.
28:57The last time I sat with you
29:00for an interview,
29:01I had a panic attack outside.
29:04Not even for...
29:06See, basically, in a narcissistically abusive relationship,
29:08you’re not punished for something you’ve done wrong.
29:11You’re punished for someone else’s insecurities and traumas.
29:15What happened that day? I didn't understand at all.
29:18That is how complicated it is.
29:19I just don't want to get into the personal details of it because...
29:23as a human being, I crossed it.
29:25No, but you were here, right? Did you receive a text or something?
29:27What was it that triggered that panic attack?
29:29There was something else going on in that person’s life at the same time.
29:32So...
29:33Directly or indirectly, the blame is all on you.
29:35So, in a situation like that, how can you even promote?
29:38And after that, when that interview was telecast,
29:40I was punished for smiling in that interview.
29:43You get punished for the smallest things.
29:45For being nice to people.
29:47You start being...
29:49To be very honest...
29:51don't we say personal pride?
29:54My biggest pride was how professional I am as an actor.
29:59Two years.
30:00You might not have seen such an unprofessional, unethical actor ever.
30:07I became that.
30:09I became that.
30:11Unbelievable.
30:13I'm very punctual.
30:15I'm very professional.
30:16I was very passionate about my work.
30:19Every part of me was dead.
30:23I stopped looking at people.
30:25I stopped looking into their eyes.
30:27I stopped smiling.
30:28I even stopped touching my brother.
30:30My own brother.
30:32Because you were scared? -Yes.
30:34Because of fear.
30:35Of the consequences? - Consequences.
30:36The anger!
30:37Yes.
30:38The consequences.
30:39So, you're clearly walking on eggshells.
30:42And when you’re walking on eggshells, everyone around you,
30:45your family, your staff, everyone...
30:48Because my mood would be based on someone else’s mood.
30:51If that person is extremely happy, I'm very happy.
30:54If that person is extremely sad, I'm sad.
30:57I am stressed. Do you understand?
30:59Even a slight change in his expression would stress me out.
31:01If I was stressed, it affected everyone. My family was affected,
31:04my staff was affected, the entire location was affected.
31:07We had to stop shooting so many times
31:10because I would have a mental breakdown and go into the vanity.
31:12My makeup would be washed off,
31:14and then we’d have to come back and reshoot everything
31:15We talked about narcissistic rage earlier.
31:18Like, you used the term cognitive dissonance
31:22We’ll start to doubt whether the person
31:24standing right in front of us is the person we love.
31:27In experiences like that, did you have to face physical or verbal abuse?
31:39They can cuss at me all they want, I don't care.
31:41But if people are saved from this,
31:43if one person is saved,
31:45then I will be more than happy in my life.
31:46That is enough for me.
31:47So, I was so ashamed.
31:48I was someone who dreamed of having 11 children.
31:51At this point, I don't even want kids.
31:53So, I felt so bad
31:55for being a woman itself.
31:57And when we say red flag...
31:59I fell into hot water once, right?
32:00So even if I see normal water the next time, I’ll be scared.
32:02I'm living the dream life
32:04of so many people.
32:06The reality in the last two years is like this.

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