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Our Daughter Bought Birth Control (Against Our Wishes) — Transcript

by The Dr. John Delony Show · 4,345 words · 622 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00[Music]
0:06what's up Ryan and
0:08Katie hey Dr John how are you I'm all
0:11right how are you guys good we're doing
0:13great doing all right fantastic thanks
0:15for calling in so uh what's going
0:18on yeah so just for uh just for some
0:21context uh so we have a we have a
0:2416-year-old daughter um we're kind of
0:27hitting a kind of a rock and art place
0:30if you will so we co-parent uh so we
0:33have you know essentially kind of a
0:35blended family um so she lives uh almost
0:40half the time with us and then the other
0:42half with her dad and her
0:44stepmom and she is she's under our car
0:48insurance our health insurance uh phone
0:51bill you know you name it she came to us
0:53a couple months ago and asked about
0:56getting on birth control uh she recently
0:59started dating boy and uh she came to us
1:03with that and um you know we we strong
1:07Believers go to church as much as we can
1:11um and so the first thing obviously we
1:13thought of was absolutely not not
1:15happening she she wanted to go to you
1:17know U A Center to do this um and
1:20obviously with her being on our
1:22insurance um you know they essentially
1:25needed our approval um so it she came to
1:28us and so again our our first thought
1:29was
1:30absolutely not and we told her that if
1:34you choose to go there by yourself which
1:37unfortunately in this day and age you
1:39can you don't need adult supervision you
1:42don't need a sign off or anything we
1:45were very clear and we told her um if
1:48you go by yourself or if you do over the
1:50counter what have you and you get on it
1:52yourself then we are not supporting you
1:56as far as insurance wise and you will
1:58either need to find your own insurance
2:01or talk to your dad about going on his
2:04insurance and basically just saying you
2:06know if if you want to make an adult
2:07Choice like that then you are you're
2:11you're considering yourself an adult and
2:12so you need to support
2:14yourself um did that did that include
2:16housing
2:18too um it it did yes like we were very
2:22very firm in that and again she's always
2:24had a room here but we were just it hurt
2:26number one but then at the same time we
2:28were like you know
2:30we weren't model citizens at 16 17 18
2:33years old um and and and we live with
2:36regret and we told her that it's like
2:38you know we we we feel that regret even
2:42even being married for as long as we
2:44have now um it it it it is it's it's
2:47baggage and you know she's a 16y old her
2:50brain isn't fully developed but she just
2:52doesn't understand that and
2:54so yes to some parents it'd be extremely
2:58strict but at the same time time you
3:00know it's she does have her dad's house
3:02to live in which her dad and her
3:04stepmom they certainly didn't encourage
3:07her but they were fine with bringing her
3:11uh because they're in their words it's
3:13better to be safe than sorry right and
3:16so honestly Dr John like the
3:18biggest the biggest wall for Katie and I
3:23was do
3:25we essentially sacrifice our beliefs as
3:28Christians and our our
3:30values uh or do we risk damaging the
3:35relationship and you know in in
3:38hindsight uh I'm glad we didn't
3:40sacrifice our our values um because a
3:44couple weeks later after she initially
3:46brought it up uh Katie moved her car for
3:49just moving it we weren't digging or
3:51hunting or looking for anything and we
3:55found out that she had went out and
3:56bought her own and so we said this is it
3:59like you you made that choice and so
4:01essentially yes we kicked her out and
4:03said you're you're kind of on your own
4:06um again she's always had her dad's
4:09house to go to and um she she made that
4:13choice and so she's she's been living
4:14with her dad since uh and again this is
4:18probably a month or two has passed do we
4:21do we
4:23sacrifice damaging the
4:25relationship to you know withhold our
4:29our beliefs as you know as Believers in
4:32Christ and reserving sex for marriage
4:35and even if we didn't do that
4:37ourself but just to try and give our our
4:40daughter the best chance
4:44at as little a baggage as possible and
4:47to have the the most rewarding and
4:49fulfilling marriage with her you know
4:51future husband as possible um yeah I
4:57I'm I'm I'm going to be so two things
4:59one I'm I'm grateful for you calling
5:01okay and I I know that here's what I
5:05know I know that y'all stood firm on
5:08what you think and thought is right and
5:10was right and also
5:13know that it has to be killing you you
5:15wouldn't have called Fair yeah yeah
5:22okay
5:25um all right so I'm going to go unfilter
5:28a little bit and my promise on the show
5:29is to always tell the truth is that
5:31fine absolutely okay I'll be called
5:36so I have a little girl and she's eight
5:39all right and based on my experience and
5:42my wife's experience as elementary
5:44middle school and high school and
5:46college Educators um we've already
5:50started having the conversations as
5:52crazy as that is okay um
5:56and my son is 14 obviously we've been
5:59having the conversation ation for
6:00conversations for
6:03years I can think of no more potentially
6:08damaging um
6:11thing to the developing understanding of
6:14what love and relationship looks like on
6:18a potential future
6:20marriage I would put sexual abuse at
6:23number one I would put getting kicked
6:26out of my mom and dad's house at 16 at
6:28number two
6:31I can't think of a more
6:34terrifying damaging frightening thing
6:36for a 16-year-old daughter to find out
6:39there is a line to which you are not
6:41welcome in our presence anymore and
6:44we're going to even go to the we're
6:45going to go searching for that to make
6:47sure you haven't crossed it ah we found
6:49it and you're
6:51out now I can't wrap my head around my a
6:56six no even secular psychology IST
7:00nobody in their right mind would say
7:02being sexually active at 16 is smart
7:04wise intelligent otherwise quote unquote
7:06okay I don't know any psychologist
7:10counselor therapist if they if they are
7:12suggesting a 16-year-old should be
7:13sexually active um then I would suggest
7:16they should have their license removed
7:17because you're right it's a child
7:19they're a kid
7:21yeah the challenge here is's an old Paul
7:24Thomas Anderson quote I'm sure he didn't
7:26make it up but
7:27um you may be through with the past but
7:30the past is not through with you and so
7:33what we have here is for whatever reason
7:35a divorce happened a long time ago or
7:37there's a a child was born a long time
7:39ago and now the child is 16 and that
7:43child is being forced to reckon with two
7:45different households with two different
7:46rules and y'all can say or they can say
7:49that they're not
7:50encouraging but for a 16-year-old you're
7:52either four or you're against there's
7:54not a lot of gray with a 16-year-old
7:57right so if I'm taking you if I'm
7:59willing to take you to put you on birth
8:01control I'm
8:03consenting right I'm saying it's I I'm
8:05I'm giving you the the affirmative
8:07message that this is going to be we we
8:09know um kids are just going to be kids
8:11and they're going to do it anyway so dot
8:13dot dot
8:14right and so you have the 16-year-old
8:16who's caught between am I loyal to my
8:19dad and my stepmom or am I loyal to my
8:21mom and my stepdad that's too much to
8:23ask a
8:2516-year-old and if that 16-year- old is
8:27in my house I've got a whole bunch more
8:30control and I have a whole bunch more
8:32ability to play
8:34defense um but for whatever reason the
8:37adults in this child's life split up and
8:39created two separate households and so
8:42my ability to play defense is much more
8:46compromised I can't because half the
8:49time or more she's going to stay
8:50somewhere else with a different set of
8:51rules and a different set of values and
8:53that was the bargain we struck up and we
8:55split
8:56up and so what I would tell you is
9:00and we'll get to the sex part and the
9:02birth control part and all
9:04that if I have one message that I would
9:06give to parents over and over and over
9:08it's this absent you have made my house
9:11unsafe meaning you're doing drugs inside
9:14my house and it's not safe or you're
9:16bringing people to my house that you
9:17won't take out of your life and my home
9:18is
9:19unsafe I never want my kid to believe
9:23there's a line that they can cross where
9:26I won't love them I've talked to a woman
9:29who um whose son was um convicted of um
9:33sexually abusing children like a late
9:36teenage kid and I said because she was
9:39asking do I hire the best lawyers and do
9:41I burn this thing to the ground I said
9:42no your husband I mean your child is a
9:44predator needs to be off the street she
9:46said well what do I do and I said you
9:48can hold his hand in
9:49court right as as as he is taken out of
9:52the community he does not need to be in
9:54public and you know that um but he also
9:56needs to know his mom loves him despite
9:58the evil right so I'm telling you that
10:00to tell you
10:02this that's a tough tough tough decision
10:06so I want to back out and ask you guys
10:09how do you
10:10reconcile how do you
10:12reconcile biblical value a We Believe
10:16sex should be reserved for marriage and
10:17anyone in our life who violates that has
10:20to be removed from our
10:22life verse the biblical value
10:26of forgiveness and Grace and and I'm
10:29going to be a parent who's always in the
10:31life of my child I'm not going to cast
10:33my child out how do you reconcile those
10:35two biblical
10:41values that's a great
10:45question because that's a great question
10:47let me ask you this how much and I hate
10:49to put yall on the spot here so tell me
10:51I'm wrong okay tell me I'm wrong on any
10:52of this challenge any of this tell me
10:54I'm an idiot on any this not going to
10:55hurt my feelings okay um
11:01how much of your anger and frustration
11:03is with the other
11:09parents yeah that's a great question a
11:12little bit more context for you Dr John
11:14is Abby um or our daughter is uh my
11:18child from a previous relationship we
11:20were not married okay um and
11:23so uh there is some anger and resentment
11:28I was 16 when I got pregnant with her
11:31and he left and did his thing and so
11:36yeah they're they're probably is some
11:38lingering anger and resentment and that
11:41was 16 years ago so tell me about you've
11:44you've walked down this road tell me
11:46about how your parents handled you when
11:49you were
11:5016 yeah um I unfortunately also came
11:55from a broken family um my dad was
11:59married married a few times and my mom
12:00left when I was very very young and so I
12:03didn't
12:04have uh a mother figure in my life at
12:07that time when I was pregnant um or when
12:10I got pregnant and it was my dad who um
12:13supported my siblings and myself and he
12:16wasn't absent but he was
12:18busy and um but it happened and he was
12:24supportive he was upset at first but he
12:29you know from what I can remember said
12:31we'll get through this
12:34together so you actually walked the path
12:37that I was going to bring up and that is
12:41this a
12:4216-year-old well all all children but
12:46that's an that's an especially acute
12:48window when a human being is growing
12:52more than they will are aging more to
12:54say it that way than they will ever age
12:55in their life in in a in a tiny window
12:57of time and and they are become they are
13:01losing their sense of themsel on a daily
13:03basis and trying to Cobble together a
13:05sense of self from social media from
13:07friends from teachers from coaches from
13:09parents from romantic interest from pets
13:13right they're they're cobbling this
13:14together and it's like this this ongoing
13:18duct taping puzzle thing in real time
13:21it's chaos you you you experience that
13:25yeah what a child is going to seek more
13:27than anything
13:29is some sort of stable
13:32connection I'm anchored into
13:36something and one of the things that
13:39gets me the most riled up is when
13:40someone attaches God to
13:44that that there's a couple of things you
13:46can do you can smoke you can drink
13:48alcohol you can say bad words and you
13:50can have premarital sex and God's out on
13:54you second is Mom and
13:57Dad parents
14:01and a child is going to seek connection
14:03and seek connection and seek connection
14:05and seek
14:06connection and if one in this case if
14:09one set of parents cuts that connection
14:12off and this is just 20 years working
14:15with young people it will it will
14:18accelerate her going to find somebody
14:21that is stable that will look at her and
14:22say I see you and I valow you and I love
14:24you even if it's just for a minute and
14:26you've walked that line right
14:29absolutely and
14:33so my response here is to applaud y'all
14:36as parents for not wanting your daughter
14:37to be sexually
14:39active and to really trying to figure
14:42out what are the ways we can keep that
14:44from happening the challenge is not to
14:47put your anger in frustration and to
14:50relive your trauma and put that on a kid
14:53and say you carry you carry what
14:55happened to me back when I was 16 you
14:57carry this embarrassment and shame you
14:59carry my frustration with this guy who
15:02left me 16 years ago and his new family
15:05to not make her carry that and so what I
15:08would suggest to you guys is it's not a
15:11compromise of your biblical values to
15:14double down and triple down and
15:16quadruple down on loving your kid kids
15:19are smart and Savvy they understand that
15:21at this house here's the rules that I
15:23got to live by and that at that house
15:25these are the rules we're going to live
15:26by they know that and they can toggle
15:29and
15:31balance but my suggestion to any parent
15:34going through what you're going through
15:35is to not double down on there's a point
15:39with which you can no longer be in
15:40relationship with me Mom and Dad but the
15:44opposite there is not a you can't escape
15:47my love you you you couldn't do anything
15:51where I won't love
15:52you in this house you can't have you
15:55can't be sexually active because I love
15:57you it's this house there will be no
16:00boyfriends coming to stay past whenever
16:02and I'm going to turn all the lights on
16:04I'm going to be obnoxious cuz I'm your
16:07parent and we will Dad um stepdad you'll
16:12take your daughter on dates are you
16:13kidding me yes Mom you'll take her out
16:16have you told her your
16:18story I have okay um so it's not going
16:23to be time for what I would call like I
16:24I have a bad habit of grand standing
16:26like we're going to have this big event
16:28talk I did one the other day with my son
16:30to talk about alcohol and I was like
16:31today we're talking about alcohol and he
16:33and he just rattled off like nine things
16:35I know Dad I'm going to be tempted it's
16:37going to be around I'm not allowed to do
16:38it you're always safe to call and I was
16:39like all right guess this convers you
16:41know what I mean so but I want mom I
16:45want you to make it a weekly ritual that
16:46you take your kid out that you take your
16:49daughter out for breakfast you take your
16:51daughter out for
16:52dinner dad I want you to have a uh
16:55stepdad I want you to have like a
16:57journal that you share just y'all two
17:00and you put it on her bed when you're
17:02done with it and she writes in it and
17:03before she leaves she's got to put it on
17:05your bed even if it just says this is
17:07dumb but I want to I want her to never
17:10feel like she has to go somewhere else
17:12to connect the world's going to drag it
17:14her and boyfriends are going to drag on
17:16her and the world is going to want
17:18pieces of her
17:20enough I want her so freaking anchored
17:24into
17:25y'all um is that going to keep her from
17:28having sex no it's not kidss are going
17:31to experiment they're curious they want
17:33to know what's cool what's not cool all
17:34that kind of
17:35stuff but maybe it
17:39might um I think here's and I'm I'm I'm
17:43thinking this through in real time okay
17:45so forgive me if I land in a in a place
17:48that I'm going to change my mind on in a
17:49few weeks
17:53um the data tells me that um the more
17:57religious a state is is or let me say it
18:00this way the states that report higher
18:03religiosity have higher teen pregnancy
18:07rates and I don't know the causality to
18:10that I've never dug into that my just
18:12snapshot judgment is because people
18:14don't talk about sex they just say just
18:16say no or they don't say we they don't
18:20speak clearly we really want you to save
18:22here's our experience we want you to
18:24save yourself for a marriage this is our
18:25values this is what we want to teach you
18:29pH and if you're going to violate what
18:33we want for you and you're going to
18:34figure a way to sneak around in X Y and
18:35Z please be safe and here's how to do
18:38that and that's a tricky balance for a
18:4116-year-old a 17-year-old an 18-year-old
18:43but I just look at the data okay that of
18:45increased teen pregnancy rates um if I
18:49just had a kid in my house I would
18:52probably lean towards not
18:55having um not taking a 16-year-old to
18:59have birth
19:00control um and really doing what I could
19:03to play defense at my house and I wish
19:05there was a better word for that um I'm
19:07not opposed to 16-year-olds don't have a
19:10right to go on dates regardless of what
19:13people say about normal teen development
19:15um they don't have a right to those type
19:17of things those are those are privileges
19:19doled out as kids show um uh
19:23responsibility and
19:25trustworthiness man if my teenager is
19:27split in time with somebody else who
19:29says things like well they're going to
19:30do it
19:31anyway and I think he's cute and
19:35funny man I feel like we're playing with
19:38fire
19:41then so I've talked a lot at y'all talk
19:46back throw back at me say I reject y'all
19:48I reject what you're saying tell me what
19:49you're
19:51thinking yeah no
19:54that's I mean
19:56it's it's for sure something to about um
20:00and I I think great great advice I mean
20:03it's uh it's hard it's hard being a
20:06parent and a teenage you know of a
20:08teenager and also a blended
20:11family um
20:15but yeah it's just are you still close
20:18with your dad
20:19Katie um he's actually passed away now
20:22passed away so were you all close up
20:24until the end uh we were
20:28I think it's worth the exercise that for
20:31you and and Ryan I think it's worth the
20:33exercise for you to go back to that
20:35moment that terrifying moment when
20:36you're 16 years old and you find out
20:38you're pregnant and he gets mad and says
20:40we're going to figure this
20:42out that he was in your in a moment of I
20:46need a parent I need boundaries I need
20:49love in in the worst kind of way that he
20:52doubled down on connection and his
20:53clumsy crooked dad trying to figure it
20:56out with a pregnant 16-year-old daughter
20:57kind away
20:59yeah um I think that's worthy of an
21:02exercise um I also when I think of
21:05biblical values guys I keep going back
21:07to the Prodigal Son and the dad just
21:08waiting out in the
21:10yard yeah and I think
21:14of I think of Jesus drawn in the dirt to
21:17protect the woman who was just
21:19caught cheating on her
21:23husband I I just keep doubling down on I
21:26just I I keep going back to the person
21:28of Jesus in the stories is someone who
21:32steps into it and says no I see you
21:34you're safe here with me and then
21:37exhales and says hey there's another way
21:38to live instead of you're going to live
21:41the right way or you are no longer in
21:43relationship with me
21:46period and and maybe man I'm sure
21:49there's some the theological debates and
21:51people could we could go round and round
21:52and that'd be a fun discussion I love
21:53those discussions but I'm just thinking
21:55about with my two kids seems the picture
21:58that comes up when I think of biblical
22:00value is over and over and over and
22:03over you cannot you could never get away
22:07from me I'm coming for
22:10you and also I don't want 16-year- old
22:13having sex
22:17right I don't want 16y olds having sex
22:20either
22:22yeah I I think a lot Dr John is just
22:25it's it's it's it's really challenging
22:27just co-parenting it's a nightmare
22:29because it's a nightmare it's like and
22:32like you said earlier it's just there's
22:33two different sets of rules and we might
22:36be more lenient on some areas than the
22:39other household and vice
22:41versa you know and so absolutely yeah
22:45it's just challenging regardless it's a
22:47nightmare what I what I my my challenge
22:49to you
22:50two is don't make the 16-year-old carry
22:54the the weight of that challenge
22:59find the places and 16 is old enough to
23:01be very very direct um find the places
23:05where y'all align where as co- household
23:07I mean as two different households and
23:09find the places where you're different
23:10and sit down with your 16-year-old and
23:12say here's where we're different and
23:15we're not going to budge on these
23:16because we love
23:19you and our set of experiences has given
23:23us this and I know you get a different
23:24picture over there but we're asking you
23:27to respect these here
23:29so here's the million-dollar question
23:31then I'll let you guys go if I'm y'all
23:33and I'm finding myself in your exact
23:35situation right
23:38now I would reach out to that
23:4016-year-old girl and both of you take
23:42her
23:43out let me just I'm tell you what I
23:45would do I'm gonna use the word I I
23:47would take her out with her
23:50mom God I'm gonna get all choked up
23:52thinking about my daughter
23:54here I would take my daughter
23:57out and we would go somewhere
23:59private and I would say I need you to
24:01know I got scared and I and I blew it
24:03and I'm sorry there's not a thing you
24:06can do that I won't ever stop loving you
24:09and there's not a thing you could do
24:10outside of threaten my life or become
24:13very
24:14unsafe that this home is not going to be
24:17open for
24:18you I screwed up I got scared I remember
24:21back when I was 16 we swore we would
24:24always protect you and I freaked out I'm
24:26sorry
24:28and I want you to to be here as much as
24:30possible and if you're going to be here
24:32is what's going to cost you you're gonna
24:33have to go on a date with me once a
24:34month and you're gonna have to go eat
24:36breakfast with your mom once a
24:39week and you and I are going to journal
24:41back and forth
24:45together and we're going to rebuild our
24:48relationship together and no we don't
24:49want you having sex think it's a
24:50terrible idea doesn't it's not good it's
24:52not good it's not good
24:54and we love
24:57you I don't ever want you to go into
24:59some hairy-legged 16-year-old
25:01knuckleheaded little boy for
25:04love because we love you that's what I
25:07that's what I would do that's the best I
25:08can tell you that's what I would
25:12do man I'm really grateful for the call
25:15Ryan and ktie this one's tough tough
25:16tough co-parenting is hard it's hard
25:18it's hard it's hard especially when it
25:19comes to sex and intimacy and birth
25:21control
25:23and entertainment all those things that
25:25we're trying to balance and reconcile
25:28but when it comes to a young
25:30kid all the way through 18 all the way
25:33through
25:3421 and this is just 20 plus years of me
25:37sitting with 16 17 18 19 20 through 25
25:40year
25:41olds I'm always going to double down
25:44on what's a way I can increase
25:47connection not decrease what's a way I
25:49can get this kid closer to me and I can
25:52get closer to this kid then what's this
25:55what's a way I can make this kid prove
25:57that there were worthy of being in my in
25:59my home or my
26:04presence and maybe I'm on an island but
26:07that's the way I live my
26:10life thanks for the call Ryan Katie
26:12youall are brave and I'm really grateful
26:13for you call anytime

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This page contains the full transcript of Our Daughter Bought Birth Control (Against Our Wishes) by The Dr. John Delony Show, generated from the public captions YouTube serves with the video. The transcript has 4,345 words across 622 segments, with the original timestamps preserved so you can click any line to jump to that moment in the embedded player.

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Use the transcript to take notes, quote the speaker, build a study guide, generate a summary with ChatGPT or Claude via the YouTube Summary tool, or export it as a timed subtitle file with YouTube to SRT. You can also re-open it in the transcriber to translate the transcript into 100+ languages.

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