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Orgasm Queen: Do This For 20 Minutes Before Having Sex & Your Sex Will Feel Brand New! — Transcript

by The Diary Of A CEO · 19,888 words · 3,273 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Nobody even knows there's over 20 kinds
0:02of orgasms that you can have. There's
0:08That's a one-and-done. But then, there's
0:21That's the queen of orgasms. And to
0:24achieve that, there are very specific
0:26techniques that work, and it's not what
0:28you see on porn.
0:30Dr. Susan Bratton is a world-renowned
0:32sex specialist and best-selling author
0:33of over 30 books and programs.
0:35And for over two decades, her expertise
0:37has empowered millions to master
0:38pleasure and techniques, bedroom
0:40communication, and unlock their true
0:42sexual potential.
0:43Why did you focus on sex as a career?
0:45Well, I was 12 years into our marriage.
0:47We had a beautiful daughter, gorgeous
0:49home, but I never had an orgasm from
0:51intercourse.
0:52And we thought there was something wrong
0:54with me.
0:54But this is not unique. So many of us
0:58have had problems with sex.
1:00And once we got some skills, it just
1:03lit our sex life on fire. So here are 48
1:07of my best sex techniques. Number one,
1:10number two, you have to
1:12Number three, it's something that I love
1:13to teach men. And then there's these
1:15toys that I want to show you.
1:17What is that?
1:17This is a device that no one's ever seen
1:19before.
1:21Wow.
1:22Doesn't that feel so good?
1:23Susan, this is the first time we've ever
1:25done this. We reached out to some of our
1:26audience to send us their questions.
1:28Okay, let's unpack this. And let's start
1:30with
1:32This has always blown my mind a little
1:33bit. 53% of you that listen to this show
1:36regularly haven't yet subscribed to this
1:38show. So could I ask you for a favor
1:40before we start? If you like this show
1:42and you like what we do here, and you
1:43want to support us, the free, simple way
1:44that you can do just that is by hitting
1:46the subscribe button. And my commitment
1:48to you is if you do that, then I'll do
1:49everything in my power, me and my team,
1:51to make sure that this show is better
1:53for you every single week. We'll listen
1:55to your feedback. We'll find the guests
1:56that you want me to speak to, and we'll
1:58continue to do what we do. Thank you so
2:00much.
2:04Susan,
2:06what do you do, and why do you do it?
2:09Well,
2:10I teach passionate love-making
2:11techniques by publishing books and
2:14programs and audios.
2:16And uh I do it because my passion is
2:18passion.
2:19Uh I like to say that uh my brand of
2:23sexual education is heart-connected,
2:26conscious, passionate love-making.
2:31Which is very different than
2:32transactional sex or sex that looks like
2:35pornography.
2:36If If someone comes to you, and they
2:37say,
2:38"I'm struggling with my sex life in some
2:40way, or I'm not at my sexual potential,
2:42what can you do for me?" How would you
2:44answer that question?
2:45Well, I'd say, "Sex is such a vast
2:48landscape, and people enter into it from
2:50so many different directions, that
2:53often, when someone is saying that their
2:57sex life isn't as good as they want it
2:59to be, I have to ask them, what's it
3:01like?
3:03What do they want? What's the vision
3:05that they're holding for themselves?
3:07And often,
3:10I recently had a young woman come to me
3:12and say, "Um
3:15all my friends talk about sex being so
3:16great, but I haven't experienced that,
3:18and I wonder if I'm asexual,
3:21because it's just not that good for me.
3:23It just seems like it's so fast and
3:25hurried, and and I I don't know. I just
3:28I just don't I'm worried. Maybe
3:30something's wrong with me." That's what
3:32That's what women think a lot is they
3:33think there's something wrong with them.
3:36But remember, I I'm not a therapist, so
3:39I don't sit in a room
3:41with a client and unearth all of the
3:45issues that they have.
3:47What I do is I author passionate
3:49love-making techniques. I teach you how
3:52to have really good bedroom
3:53communication, how to know what you want
3:57and ask for it confidently,
4:00have your partner love for you to ask
4:03them for what you want, feel good about
4:06it, not like they did anything wrong.
4:09And then know a whole bunch of
4:12pleasuring techniques, how their bodies
4:14work, what what the possibilities are.
4:18Because
4:19if you're thinking about sexuality,
4:21because sex has been so censored,
4:25nobody even knows what's possible.
4:28If I say to someone, you know, there's
4:29over 20 kinds of orgasms that you can
4:31have,
4:32they'll be like, "What?" And especially
4:34men, they don't even they think there's
4:36one, maybe two.
4:38Uh where women are like, "There's 20?"
4:40They are at least aware that there's
4:42more than one or two, that they could
4:44have these different, you know, kinds of
4:45orgasms. And so once you understand
4:49the communication piece and you
4:51understand the pleasure piece, then you
4:53can understand what's possible. And then
4:55you can begin to try things.
4:57Okay, so you get an
4:59email into your inbox and it's from a
5:01woman.
5:02Yeah.
5:03If you had to bet what that question in
5:06that email was, and all you know that is
5:08that it's from
5:10a lady called Suzanne, what would your
5:12guess be?
5:13My libido is gone
5:15and
5:17um
5:18I feel really guilty. I feel really bad.
5:21I'm not interested in sex. Or
5:24I there's something wrong with me.
5:27I'm unhappy. I'm unfulfilled. I don't
5:30feel like what I'm doing is right.
5:32That's most common with women.
5:34And if the email came in from a guy
5:36called David,
5:37Mhm.
5:38what would you think he's before you
5:39click the email, what do you think he's
5:40asking you?
5:41Sexual biohacking, erectile dysfunction,
5:44penis enlargement, male enhancement, all
5:48of those kinds of things. Guys have a
5:50lot of men ask me about,
5:53"I think there's something wrong with my
5:54penis."
5:55So, that would be the number one thing
5:56that would be most likely to be in my
5:58inbox.
6:00But, the second thing would be
6:03something around either I have I have
6:06some shame around part of my desire,
6:10or I'm frustrated with my partner that
6:13I'm not having the kind of sex that I
6:14want, what do to fix it? So, fixing
6:18fixing things. People are writing for
6:20fixing things, whether whether it's men
6:22or women. That's That's what they reach
6:25out with are our problems.
6:27Quality and quantity, or one more than
6:29the other?
6:30I would say quality generally, more so
6:32than quantity. You can fix when you fix
6:34quality.
6:36Right? Quantity Quality comes before
6:38quantity.
6:39That's true.
6:40Yeah.
6:41You have a really atypical journey to
6:43becoming a sex expert. It's not
6:44something that you you'd studied when
6:46you're younger in college or something.
6:47It's not something that you were It's
6:49not sort of a an off branch to some
6:50psychology degree you were doing. You
6:53became a sex expert at what age?
6:5542 is when I went on my sexual expansion
6:59journey, and started my company shortly
7:02after that.
7:03Why sex? Why have in your early 40s did
7:06you decide to focus on sex when
7:08previously your career had been about
7:10many other things?
7:11Mhm.
7:12Did something happen?
7:13Yeah, it did. Right? I was married to
7:15Tim, my husband, Sir Tim. He's the
7:17prince among men. I've been with him for
7:1933 years now.
7:22And we were 12 years into our marriage.
7:24We were a very successful Silicon Valley
7:27company. My husband invented Rhapsody,
7:29the first like the the OG Spotify. So,
7:33we were both in high tech, having IPOs,
7:36doing incredibly well. We had a
7:38beautiful daughter. We had a gorgeous
7:39home overlooking the entire Silicon
7:43Valley. It was just incredible. But, we
7:47had become platonic. Not for my
7:50husband's lack of trying to have sex
7:52with me, but I just I don't know. I just
7:56I had sex with with him for a dozen
7:58years and I never had an orgasm from
8:00intercourse.
8:01I could have an orgasm from a vibrator,
8:03but I couldn't have one from
8:05intercourse.
8:06And I'd had some sexual trauma as a
8:08child as well, which
8:11Honestly, the majority of people have
8:13had sexual trauma, whether it's simple
8:16repression or actual physical abuse of
8:20some kind. So many of us have had
8:23trouble and not just women, men too.
8:25People across the spectrum have had
8:28you know, things happen to them.
8:30And
8:33I avoided him for sex.
8:35What did your sexual trauma teach you
8:36about sex?
8:39Well, it taught me
8:40that I am
8:43who I've always been inside myself and
8:46that no one can take away who I am and
8:48my power and my sovereignty.
8:51I've learned that one can move through
8:55and heal from trauma and that it takes
8:57both
8:58talk therapy and empathy from someone as
9:03well as somatic release, physical body
9:07release.
9:09And that often our greatest wound can
9:11become our greatest gift, which is what
9:14that trauma did for me.
9:17The trauma itself.
9:18Mhm.
9:19What did that
9:20traumatic experience convince you that
9:22sex was or wasn't?
9:24I always liked sex and I refused to let
9:26that trauma hurt my sex life, but the
9:29problem was that I ended up doing
9:31something called dissociating
9:33during intimacy.
9:35And so, if you
9:37kind of leave the scene emotionally and
9:39you're just there physically,
9:41you really don't get that thing, that
9:44heart connection. You don't find your
9:45humanity in your lover. You can't really
9:49touch source through your connection.
9:52Can you explain that to me,
9:53dissociation? Cuz I think
9:54Yeah.
9:55I've heard people tell me
9:57privately that that's the issue that
9:59they had in their sex life for many,
10:00many years where that they were
10:01basically disassociated from it. What is
10:03that?
10:04It's where you kind of uh you just check
10:06out. You just you're go you go through
10:08the motions physically, but you're not
10:10emotionally there.
10:13It's protection
10:15against being hurt again.
10:18So, once I learned that that's what I
10:20was doing, my husband would help me, Tim
10:22would help me come back to him, come
10:25back to him, come back to him.
10:27And then, we started going to sex
10:30workshops. We went beyond therapy and we
10:32started going to sex workshops.
10:34And we learned how to have sex. And by
10:37sex, I don't necessarily just mean
10:38intercourse.
10:40We We learned all kinds of things. We
10:42went to tantra workshops. We went to
10:43sex, love, and intimacy from the Human
10:45Awareness Institute. We did ecstatic
10:48loving. We did orgasmic meditation. We
10:50did all kinds of things.
10:52And it just
10:55lit our sex life on fire once we got
10:58some skills. We were the blind leading
11:00the blind. Everybody's the blind leading
11:02the blind. Everybody. We don't see any
11:06good examples of heart-connected
11:08passionate lovemaking. We don't see them
11:10in film, in the movies.
11:12We don't see them in pornography. All of
11:14that is
11:17male
11:18patriarchal, religiously repressed
11:22styles of sex, rather than
11:26female-focused,
11:28heart-connected,
11:30blissful,
11:31slow,
11:33pleasurable sex, highly orgasmic sex.
11:38So,
11:40I think what what happened for us was we
11:43had such good sex so easily once someone
11:45told us what to do that we said, "Oh,
11:48well, he's already you know,
11:50sending MP3s all over the internet and
11:53I'm already sending video all over the
11:55internet with cable modems. Why don't we
11:56bring all these courses online?" Because
11:59very few people are going to go to a sex
12:01workshop.
12:02Number one, it costs money. Number two,
12:04you have to be able to do it. Number
12:05three, it's scary.
12:07It's really scary to take off all your
12:08clothes and go to a sex workshop and do
12:11hands-on techniques in a room full of
12:12sweaty people, you know? There's a lot
12:14to it, right?
12:16And so we said, "Why don't we put this
12:18on the internet?" Cuz that's what we're
12:19good at. Let's put programs on the
12:21internet that people can
12:23access from anywhere in the world and
12:26learn how to make love together, learn
12:28orgasm techniques and communication
12:30skills and pleasuring, how the body
12:33works in ways that will take them to
12:35places they never even imagined were
12:37possible.
12:38Zooming in on that moment where you and
12:40Tim are struggling in the bedroom. How
12:41long had it been since you you'd had sex
12:44or how often were you having sex at that
12:45point?
12:46Well, it petered out over time. So, when
12:47we first met, we had great new
12:49relationship energy. We we were having
12:51sex, but it was it was the kind of sex
12:54that I would call these days
12:56grab a boob and stick it in.
12:59Very intercourse focused.
13:03A bit
13:03I know, exactly. Like
13:09And you know,
13:11I love intercourse.
13:15And I teach intercourse skills because
13:18what you see modeled is really
13:23Oh, man, it's like kindergarten what you
13:26see out in the market, out in the world.
13:29And so, how do you have this massively,
13:31exquisitely, orgasmically, mutually
13:34pleasurable
13:36intercourse?
13:38You just need to learn a couple things.
13:39That's the great thing about sex. It's
13:40like, have you ever heard that phrase, a
13:42little hinge that swings a big door?
13:46It's like It's like an example of
13:48leverage, right? One little hinge and a
13:50giant door and you're like,
13:51"How does that little hinge swing that
13:53giant door?"
13:54That's what sex actually is. If somebody
13:56tells you what to do, because I mean, my
13:58operating system and your operating
13:59system are like everybody's operating
14:01systems, right? We Our human body works
14:04the way the human body does. And so,
14:06women who are walking around going,
14:08"I'm broken and I can't have an orgasm
14:10from intercourse." And And her husband's
14:11like, "Well, I guess you can't, but
14:12we're still going to have intercourse
14:14anyway."
14:15I say to them, "Yes, you can. You just
14:18need to learn how. You just need to
14:19cross the gasm chasm, close that orgasm
14:22gap."
14:23And so, if I can get more people to
14:26understand that if something isn't good,
14:29that they just haven't had it good yet.
14:33That's
14:35I think one of the biggest messages I
14:36can give to your audience is,
14:39just keep learning. Keep learning new
14:41skills. But,
14:43don't miss all the other things. I'll
14:45give you an example of something in sex
14:46that really chaps my lips. And that is
14:51this idea that there's foreplay and sex.
14:55That comes right out of religious
14:57repression.
14:58Because sex is for procreation only, so
15:00the only thing matters is sex, and sex
15:02is intercourse.
15:03Heck, no. Sex is everything. Sex is a
15:06hot make-out. Sex is rubbing our bodies
15:09together. Sex is words of appreciation,
15:12adoration, encouragement. It's
15:15languorous kissing. It's stroking each
15:18other. It's
15:20oral pleasuring. It's intercourse. It's
15:23playing with toys. It's sex in new
15:26locations. It's
15:28you know, filming yourselves and
15:29watching it while you're holding each
15:31other later and going, "Oh, you know
15:33what the best moment for me was?" No,
15:35tell me. The best moment for me was XYZ
15:38and you're like, "Are you
15:40That was your best moment?" Yeah, what
15:42was your best moment? My best moment I
15:43mean, those are the things that make sex
15:46great, that make you want to have it
15:47again.
15:49In that moment when you and Tim hadn't
15:51have been having sex, so you sex had
15:52completely dried up.
15:53I really avoided him as much as I
15:55possibly could. I was giving him what I
15:56now call mercy sex.
16:00What is that mercy sex?
16:01Well, it's like, well, he's going to be
16:03a miserable man if I don't throw him a
16:06bone once in a while.
16:08And how often was once in a while?
16:10Oh god, like
16:12couple times a month at the worst.
16:15Yeah.
16:15Couple times a month at the worst, once
16:17every other week or
16:18Yeah, like every week or 10 days I'd be
16:20like, all right, I got to do it again.
16:22And how did you feel at the time about
16:24sex?
16:24guilty.
16:26And he was like, I wonder if I married a
16:27lesbian. Like he
16:29couldn't believe I didn't want to have
16:30sex.
16:31But at the start of the relationship you
16:33did or
16:34you were just kind of
16:34The problem is the new relationship
16:36energy wears off and when you have
16:37absolutely no skill,
16:39neither of you know what you're doing
16:40and it's not good for her, how long is
16:42she going to want to keep doing it?
16:44You know what's funny? I have one of the
16:46programs that I wrote really early on is
16:48a program called revive her drive. And
16:50it's a sneaky little name because guys
16:53will buy it and I say to them,
16:56"This program won't help you if sex has
16:58never been good. You need a therapist.
17:01But if sex used to be good and now it's
17:03not,
17:04you can fix it." And so they buy it
17:07thinking they're going to revive her
17:08drive. They're going to fix her.
17:10And when And then they're like, "Ooh,
17:11you sneaky little devil.
17:14You fixed me. It was me. I just was
17:17treating I was like trying to have sex
17:19with my wife
17:21like she's a dude. And now I understand
17:24what what what her body wants. And now I
17:26know what she needs for me. And and she
17:29loves sex now. So, that is very very
17:33common.
17:34But you had to fix your trauma as well
17:36in your situation.
17:38And how did you go about fixing that?
17:40I I did a number of things. Um the first
17:42thing that I did was I worked with a a
17:44sexual trauma therapist.
17:46Mhm.
17:46And
17:48I also worked with someone who does
17:51more of a a little bit of a different
17:53method called the circling method.
17:55And I uh also worked with some somatic
17:59therapists over the years.
18:01It was pretty quick for me. I'm very
18:04lucky.
18:05And and I don't want to I don't want to
18:08say that it's as easy for other people
18:10as it is for me. I'm a I'm a fast
18:13changer.
18:15I have a lot of behavioral flexibility
18:17and I'm very comfortable in discomfort.
18:21I'm very comfortable crossing a chasm,
18:23very comfortable in uncertainty.
18:26I think because I grew up in Silicon
18:28Valley, my career in my in the in my 20s
18:31and 30s was Silicon Valley and it's
18:32always changing. It's always like, you
18:34know, up, we're doing this now, you
18:36know, it's always a
18:37So,
18:39and also, a lot of people have trouble
18:42because of their
18:44genetic snips because they have
18:48serotonin pathways where when they've
18:50experienced trauma,
18:52every time they think about it, it feels
18:55like a raw wound.
18:58They can't get over it because every
19:00time they think about it, it's like it's
19:02a fresh cut.
19:04Not that's not me. So, I was able to
19:06move through things. And mostly what
19:09helped me
19:10was being able to say, I remember one of
19:12the one of the things I had to do was I
19:14had to write down every single sexual
19:19trauma, injustice,
19:21frustration, wound, hurt, pain that I'd
19:24ever experienced.
19:27And I thought, oh, this is really going
19:28to make me sick.
19:31And my therapist said, it won't.
19:34It won't. Don't worry. Just get it out.
19:37I want you to come back on our next
19:39appointment and I want you to
19:42tell me every single thing. I want to
19:44witness it. I want to know what you've
19:46been through. I want you to remember it
19:48all and we're going to put it behind
19:50you.
19:51And that was very, very helpful for me.
19:53Finally someone heard everything that I
19:56had gone through and all the things that
19:58had been done to me.
20:00And all the injustices that had happened
20:02to me.
20:03And it really helped me move through it.
20:05But not that's not the right therapy for
20:07any everyone.
20:09People need different types of therapy.
20:11And remember, I'm not a therapist. So
20:13what I do is I deal in the how do you
20:16have hot sex, not in the let me fix your
20:20problem. I had to fix my problems to
20:22learn about it. But once I did, I was
20:25like, tell I want to know all about how
20:27to have the best sex that keeps getting
20:29better. What does that take? And that's
20:32been my decades of study.
20:34How did you know you had a problem?
20:36And how did you know you had something
20:37that needed to be healed?
20:39And you and it wasn't just that, you
20:40know, Tim's a little bit I'm not just
20:42not attracted to Tim anymore or maybe I
20:44just don't like sex. How did you know
20:48how did you have the awareness to even
20:50go to a therapist?
20:54Because
20:57we thought there was something wrong
20:58with me.
21:00And so we went to a therapist.
21:03And she said, okay, well, tell me what
21:04what your sex is like. And I started
21:06telling her and she said, "Okay.
21:08Let's unwind this. Let's unpack this.
21:09Let's heal all of this."
21:11And how did you get to the point that
21:13you knew that the trauma was at the
21:14heart of many of these challenges?
21:17All she had to do was ask me what my sex
21:18life had been like and what I'd gone
21:20through, and I told her all the
21:21injustices and the horrible things that
21:23had happened to me, which are not
21:25unique. I The thing about me is that I'm
21:28pretty much just like everybody else.
21:30I'm not special in any way. The only
21:33thing that's special about me is that I
21:35have the courage to talk about things
21:36that a lot of people don't. They feel
21:38embarrassed. That's just my I don't
21:40know.
21:40When you say sexual injustice
21:42Mhm.
21:43and trauma
21:43Mhm.
21:44give me a give give me a menu of things
21:46that someone at home who's trying to
21:48understand if those things might have
21:49had an impact on their sex drive.
21:51Sure.
21:52It can be anything from
21:55um
21:56never knowing how your parts work or
21:59what the names of them are or
22:00understanding how your body works.
22:03It could be
22:05uh that you that sex is bad or uh
22:09shaming.
22:10It could be uh and this is something
22:13that many people struggle with.
22:15And that is
22:17my parents never told me about sex, and
22:20they never showed that they were sexual.
22:23I feel like I came from a very stoic
22:27uh repressed family, and it's impacted
22:30my sex life.
22:32And one of the things that I often have
22:34to say to people is, "Your mom and your
22:36dad did the best they could do.
22:39They didn't know anything. They were
22:41probably kids themselves.
22:43And they loved you. They just weren't
22:45equipped to help you with this. Not only
22:48that, but it's not really their job.
22:51Your sexuality and your sex life is your
22:54job.
22:55And when you take it on as something
22:57that's a part of what you have to learn,
22:59like the things you do for your career
23:01or the things that you do to support
23:03your family. And when you put it in that
23:05bucket, and you let go of the victim
23:08mindset, and the victim mentality, and
23:11you say, "Okay, what do I need to do?
23:13What is right? What is possible?" Then
23:16you get into the fun parts. You can move
23:18move through the trauma. So, it could be
23:20abuse, it could be repression, it could
23:22be shame, it could be lack of knowledge,
23:25which could lack of knowledge
23:27creates fear.
23:29Fear is the enemy of pleasure.
23:32So, once you start teaching people about
23:36their bodies, about pleasure, but we
23:38know that there's nature and there's
23:40nurture around sexuality, too. The
23:42nature is how my parts work versus your
23:45parts work. And I'd really like to talk
23:47to you about that, because I think
23:49that's one of those little hinges that
23:50swings big doors. Once you start to
23:51understand the difference between male
23:54and female arousal, you can begin to
23:56have much better sex together, because
23:59when you don't understand,
24:01you're doing
24:02You know, you know the golden rule, do
24:04unto others as you'd have them do unto
24:05you. That's what most people do in sex.
24:07They treat their partner the way they
24:09want to be treated, instead of treating
24:10their partner the way their partner
24:12needs to be treated. That's the platinum
24:14rule.
24:15So, I've just got two more questions on
24:16this point before we move on to some of
24:17these real specific things we've been
24:19hearing about. I read that Tim cheated
24:21on you at the time. He was having an
24:23affair.
24:23don't even like that word.
24:26Really?
24:26No, because I actually I remember when I
24:30found out that Tim was
24:31having a relationship with a woman who
24:34was also in a sexless marriage. And we
24:37were in what was basically a sexless
24:39marriage at the time.
24:40How did you find out?
24:42He told me.
24:43He came clean, and he told me. And I
24:46remember the shame.
24:49And I felt like it was my fault
24:53that I'd not been a good wife.
24:56When I look back at it,
24:59what I realized was that he was just
25:01trying to cope. He loved me.
25:05And he loved our family.
25:07And he he just wanted to feel pleasure
25:10and connection. And he wasn't getting
25:13that from me.
25:14And for some reason, it is just easier
25:17for women to give up their sexuality
25:19than for men generally.
25:21I want to say one thing about everything
25:23I'm going to say on your show, and that
25:25is that sex
25:27is a bell curve. There are people at one
25:30end of the spectrum and the other, but
25:32I'm almost always just talking to the
25:34big bell curve in the middle, the
25:36average dude and his lady. That's That's
25:40where my sweet spot is. So,
25:43when he when he was having that affair,
25:46all he was trying to do was stay in the
25:48marriage and not be miserable.
25:50And once I got right with that, and I
25:51realized he didn't do anything to me,
25:53and I didn't even look at it I don't
25:54even look at it as cheating. I literally
25:56look at it as that man was still trying
25:57to stay married to me. He loved me.
26:00And so, it was it was our mutual
26:02problem, which was a lack of knowledge.
26:04He didn't understand how my body worked.
26:06I didn't understand how my body worked.
26:08Once we learned that,
26:09we learned technique, and I was able to
26:11stay present and connected with him and
26:15not leave my body in worry that
26:18something bad was going to happen. When
26:20it started to be pleasurable instead of
26:22me just servicing my husband.
26:25Did you separate when he told you that,
26:27or did you stay together?
26:28Well,
26:29there was a moment where in the
26:31beginning,
26:33when he told me that he was seeing
26:34someone else,
26:36I thought maybe it's best that we stop
26:38being together.
26:40And I remember that he had packed up his
26:42things, and he was driving out of our
26:45house, and I was standing at the doorway
26:48of my big, beautiful Silicon Valley
26:50mansion
26:51in the height of career
26:53my little daughter our little daughter
26:55was standing there 6 years old and she
26:57had this little blanky that she loved.
26:59You know how kids love their blankies
27:01and she had it had this little soft
27:03satin border on it and she would rub it
27:05on her lip to kind of soothe herself and
27:07she was holding my hand and she was
27:09rubbing that blanket on her lip and
27:11daddy drove around to the side to the
27:13front of the house and he stopped and he
27:16was looking out the window and he was
27:17waving goodbye and she said
27:20but it gets me every time I do every
27:23time I even think about this moment in
27:25my life. She's like
27:28but
27:29will you still be my daddy?
27:32And I was like
27:34oh what am I doing?
27:37I love this guy. How did we get here? I
27:40can't ruin her. I can't I could never do
27:43better than Sir Tim. I could never do
27:46better than him. He's
27:48an amazing human being. My God. Steven,
27:51he's been the wind beneath my wings for
27:54more than half my life. I've known him
27:57for longer than I haven't now.
27:59He's the solid, you know,
28:03person I sit on top of that get allows
28:07me to be out here in the world giving
28:09people hope and instructions
28:11on how to have what I have which is
28:14amazing.
28:15And so when I when she said that I said
28:20turn around, come back. We got to fix
28:22it. And I had seen all of our friends
28:24were getting divorced and it wasn't
28:25money cuz we were all making money. It
28:27was Silicon Valley in the dot com era.
28:30And uh
28:33so he came back. We said what are we
28:35going to do about it? And we started
28:37therapy and then we started going to sex
28:39workshops and within I mean months it
28:42sorted itself out and we started having
28:44great sex.
28:46Did your sex life change
28:49in terms of the dynamics of it? Are you
28:51in a monogamous relationship?
28:53We were in a monogamous relationship for
28:55many years,
28:57but we opened our relationship when we
29:01got really good in bed together. We were
29:02like, "Hey, this is so much fun. Let's
29:04have some sex with some other people."
29:07And so we did.
29:10And it was not without its challenges.
29:12It's never without its challenges when
29:14you you know, when you go beyond the
29:17scope of monogamy, but um
29:20I don't regret any of it, even the bad
29:21parts.
29:22And what is that called? Cuz there's all
29:24these names for different relationship
29:25dynamics. Do you have a name for it?
29:27Well, the if you think about it as a
29:29tree,
29:30Yeah.
29:30there's it's non-monogamy is the tree
29:33and it could be called ethical
29:34non-monogamy or consensual non-monogamy.
29:36There's there's polyamory, there's open
29:39relationships, there's lifestyles and
29:41swingers and the pineapple people.
29:43There's you know, all kinds of things.
29:45And then there's my latest favorite
29:47flavor, which is a kind of a new flavor.
29:49And that is because I've I've been in an
29:51open relationship with my husband for
29:52over two decades now. So, for 20 years,
29:5520 out of 33 years. We've been open
29:57longer than we've been closed. And we
30:00were shepherded by people who are now in
30:04their 70s and 80s who are still in their
30:06open relationships and they taught us a
30:08lot about what to do to keep ourselves
30:10safe, both physically and emotionally,
30:13which is something interesting.
30:16And
30:18the one that I'm enjoying right now is
30:19relationship anarchy.
30:22That's what you call it?
30:23Well, that's what people call. Some some
30:24people call it that. And I and that's
30:27one of the That's one of the branches on
30:28the tree of non-monogamy.
30:31And the thing that I want to say about
30:32non-monogamy, whatever flavor you like,
30:35is that
30:37two things. Number one, I'm not
30:40here to tell anyone that what I do is
30:42better than what they do. I am not a
30:45polyamorous proponent or any of those
30:47things. It's just what I do. But Steve,
30:50I mean, I'm a sexpert.
30:52I'm I stand up here telling you that I
30:56can teach you how to be better in bed
30:58than you are.
30:59If I only had one partner,
31:02how much could I know? Every single
31:05partner I've ever had,
31:07I've had them safely using safe sex
31:10techniques, which I'd love to explain to
31:12you, and I've had so many incredible
31:17experiences.
31:19Who initiates that conversation in your
31:22relationship? Cuz I think this is the
31:24first challenge in most relationships is
31:26figuring out like how do you go about
31:27having that conversation with someone
31:29without them biting your head off
31:30potentially?
31:31Well, here's an interesting thing. One
31:32of the things that really helped us save
31:35our marriage at the time that we went to
31:37the therapists and we went to the sex
31:40workshops. We did another thing.
31:43We did uh
31:46one of our friends um uh
31:49was a coach for Brad Blanton and he
31:51wrote a book called Radical Honesty.
31:54And we said, Tim and I said, "Look, we
31:56just have to be totally honest with each
31:58other. We've been pussyfooting,
32:00sugarcoating, withholding, you know, for
32:0312 years now, 14 years. We've got to be
32:07honest if we're going to save our
32:08marriage." And so we started the
32:10practice of telling the truth. Because
32:13my god, when you start actually trying
32:16to tell the truth, you realize how
32:18societally im- embedded
32:22not telling the truth is.
32:24What was the most painful truth he told
32:25you?
32:30Mm-mm. Maybe just
32:33the one that he that he was
32:35with someone else. Might have been the
32:37worst one and I felt so much shame about
32:39that, like I'd done something wrong. But
32:41nothing, it turns out. The truth is
32:43juicy, exciting,
32:46interesting.
32:47Offensive?
32:48No.
32:48No?
32:49No, because if it's said with love, if
32:52thing if honest honesty doesn't have to
32:54be mean. Honesty is just
32:57your truth, your boundaries, your
32:59desires, your your foibles, your you
33:03know.
33:03the most offensive tr- like someone
33:06someone turns to
33:07my partner turns to me and goes,
33:09"Listen, you you are out of shape and
33:11I'm just not feeling it."
33:12Yeah.
33:13Well, why wouldn't your partner turn to
33:14you and say First of all, you're not,
33:15you're absolutely gorgeous,
33:17you.
33:17but if in fact you feel like your
33:20partner is is not taking care of
33:22themselves,
33:23um it would be more
33:25kind to say, "I'm worried about your
33:28health.
33:29I don't think you're taking care of
33:31yourself well enough and I love you and
33:33I want you to do a better job. How can I
33:35support you?"
33:36You know what? You can love me more
33:39fully if you know exactly who I am and
33:42where my boundaries and edges are
33:44and and you get to honor and respect
33:46those, then you know you're loving me
33:49exactly the way I want you to love me.
33:52Or I can decide I don't love you, I
33:53guess.
33:53Yeah, you could decide you don't love
33:55me.
33:56Yeah, that's okay. Hey, I'm not for
33:58everyone.
33:59And I'm okay with that, too.
34:02So, how did you come to be polyamorous?
34:05Polyamorous, right. Um well, we started
34:08to have experiences with people.
34:12Was it your idea or his idea?
34:14It was our mutual idea because we had
34:16gone to workshops where we had
34:19experienced light
34:21with groups of people, like I remember
34:23one time I was at a workshop and there
34:25were four of us paired together and Tim
34:27was in a different group and we were
34:29doing like sensation play where one
34:32person would
34:34lie down and receive sensation, and the
34:36other three people would give it to
34:38them.
34:38And at the same time that they were
34:40giving them sensation, like oh, rubbing
34:42your feet, playing with your boobs, you
34:44know, whatever, kissing or stroking your
34:46hair, whatever, and then they would also
34:49give you an angel shower. They would
34:51tell all at the same time, they would
34:54tell you things they loved about you.
34:57Things that they thought were really
34:58attractive about you, or things that
34:59they noticed about you. And when you get
35:02an angel shower from a group of people,
35:06you
35:07you can't negate it. It goes in because
35:09there's so much kindness coming at you
35:13that you're defenseless against it, and
35:16so you kind of take it in instead of
35:18going, oh no, no, that's not true,
35:19that's not true. That's what people are
35:20taught to do. It's like one of my
35:22favorite games that I like to teach
35:24people is a game called three things I
35:26love about you.
35:28And Tim and I have been playing it for
35:30decades now.
35:32And whenever I want, I say to him, can
35:34you tell me three things that you love
35:35about me?
35:36And I particularly like it when we start
35:38our love making dates, because I notice
35:40that I I really need that reassurance
35:44that I'm loved and appreciated. And so
35:47I'll want him to tell me three things
35:49that he loves about me, and we have this
35:50little the little part of our game is
35:52never say the same thing twice. So for
35:55decades, we've been telling each other
35:57what we love about each other and not
35:59repeating things.
36:02And when you really start to get good at
36:04offering up love
36:07and noticing what you love about
36:10someone,
36:11um
36:13you just you're in love more. You're
36:15just in love with people more. You're in
36:17love instead of in judgment.
36:20We reached out to some of our audience
36:21ahead of this conversation, and we asked
36:23them
36:24to send us their questions.
36:26Okay.
36:27And then my team
36:28Mhm.
36:28sat down with some of these individuals.
36:30We masked them through using some
36:32actors. Um and got them to say
36:36we got them to talk about some of the
36:37problems they have in their lives. This
36:39is the first time we've ever done this.
36:40So, I wanted to play to you some of the
36:43challenges that they have. Especially,
36:45I'm going to play one that kind of
36:46overlaps with the experience you went
36:48through with Tim.
36:49Yeah.
36:50My name is Eliza. I
36:53um I'm in my 40s. I'm a mother of two
36:56lovely little girls.
36:58And that big question I have is how
37:03can I find
37:06that intimacy again
37:09with someone that has
37:11just been
37:14so disconnected.
37:17So, is she saying that her partner is
37:19disconnected? And she wants to find her
37:21way back to intimacy with her partner?
37:23I'm going to play you a few more from
37:24Eliza.
37:25Because I think this will help sort of
37:27uh
37:28fill the jigsaw puzzle a little bit. Um
37:31there's another one here.
37:35Work.
37:36Um
37:37doctors' appointments.
37:40And yeah, we get very little time
37:42together, the two of us. And I think
37:43it's really easy to
37:47just
37:51pass like ships in the night.
37:53And it'd be nice to have a conversation
37:55that wasn't about
37:56what's for dinner or
38:01you know, what
38:03the kids have going on the next day.
38:07I really miss having
38:10real conversations. I don't remember the
38:13last time
38:14we had one.
38:16Is that a familiar situation?
38:18Yeah. Especially during the time of
38:21children raising.
38:23Um
38:25you think about your sexuality in eras.
38:28Generally, your your 20s, you don't know
38:31nothing from nothing and it's all new
38:33and exciting and you know, you're just
38:35finding out what it's like and
38:38experimenting. In your 30s, you're if
38:41you're going to have your children,
38:42that's typically when most people are
38:44having them now.
38:46And
38:47um you know, all of a sudden you have no
38:49sleep, you're exhausted, those kids are
38:51just like
38:53draining you and you can barely keep up
38:55and your relationship
38:57head south, your sexual relationship
39:00head south. Um by the time you're in
39:02your 40s, you're like, wait a minute.
39:05I've got to fight for my sex life now. I
39:07mean like I can't let it go. You begin
39:10to realize that you've missed a lot and
39:13you want more.
39:15In your
39:1650s, you think to yourself, oh, I better
39:19get it now cuz I'm going to get old die.
39:21And your 60s, you go, oh,
39:23I'm still I'm still alive and I did get
39:25some good sex and I it is really good
39:27and I'm looking forward to my 70s and my
39:2980s, too, you know? And so
39:32if you keep your body in good shape.
39:35I mean, that's quite a pertinent point
39:37because one of the things Eliza said
39:39Yeah.
39:40is this.
39:41I think one thing that I wasn't prepared
39:43for
39:44at all was
39:46how much my body was going to change.
39:51I mean, everything
39:54changed. Like my
39:58I it got to the point where I
40:02didn't recognize I don't recognize my
40:05own
40:06body anymore. I don't feel comfortable.
40:10My body doesn't feel like it's mine.
40:15And I've
40:17really fallen out of love with
40:22me
40:23and with my body.
40:24Estrogen is a molecule, a hormone of
40:28protection.
40:29Because women are prey and men are
40:31predators in the general scheme of
40:32things, we have to be very, very
40:34careful. And so estrogen
40:36protects us in many, many ways. And one
40:39of the ways that it does is it makes us
40:40judgmental, makes us judgy. And one of
40:43the ways that spills over is that we
40:44become judgy about ourselves and we
40:46become very judgy about our bodies. We
40:48have body image issues that we fight
40:51against.
40:52And
40:54she's
40:55she's Eliza is probably
40:57beautiful, but she doesn't think she is.
41:00She thinks that she doesn't look good
41:01anymore and then she thinks that makes
41:03her less desirable.
41:05Her husband likely is working very hard
41:08and kind of has thrown himself into work
41:10and he's probably in overwhelm as well
41:13trying to do all of this and he feels
41:14disconnected from her. And so he's
41:16probably feeling pretty lost and he
41:18doesn't know how to get back to her
41:19either. He doesn't have the skills to do
41:21that.
41:22And
41:24one of the things that I often say to
41:27women especially is that sex is a
41:28mindfulness practice.
41:30You just have to keep bringing yourself
41:33back to connection
41:35to your heart.
41:37You have to
41:39bring yourself back to your husband.
41:41Nobody cares what your body looks like.
41:44It's a It's your It's your cell bag. You
41:46got 72 trillion cells. There they are.
41:49Take good care of them. You got only so
41:51much time. Enjoy your life. When you're
41:54stressed and you're producing cortisol
41:56and adrenaline and you're exhausted,
41:59this is when you need to say, "Oh, I
42:01really need to have some good orgasms. I
42:03really need to be held by my husband."
42:06On these body image issues, is it
42:08usually
42:09the person saying
42:11they're unhappy with their own body or
42:12is it the partner saying they're unhappy
42:15with their partner's body?
42:16It's almost always the woman saying she
42:18doesn't think she looks good. And I
42:20would say the large majority of the
42:22partners say
42:24she looks great to me. I picked her cuz
42:26I like the way she looks. She still
42:27looks good to me.
42:28Is it ever the guy saying he doesn't
42:29like how he looks?
42:31Not that often.
42:33Because testosterone has rose-colored
42:36lenses.
42:37Testosterone makes you the warrior, the
42:41single-minded focus. You know how if a
42:43guy is doing something, you can't
42:45interrupt him with another thing cuz
42:47he's on the task, and women are
42:49multitaskers, their eyes and their eyes
42:51and ears are on everything? That's the
42:53difference between testosterone and
42:54estrogen. And so he thinks he looks
42:57better than he does, and she thinks she
42:59looks worse than she does.
43:01If they now feel like two ships passing
43:03in the night as Eliza said in that
43:05video,
43:05Yeah.
43:06what is step one?
43:08Yeah. Step one is often just holding
43:12each other. One of the techniques there
43:14I have these two techniques that come
43:16from one of my books. One of my most
43:18popular books is a book called um
43:20Sexual Soulmates.
43:22Because Sexual Soulmates are not out
43:25there
43:27waiting for you. You co-create
43:30your connection with your partner. And
43:32even if you've lost that connection, you
43:34can have many renaissance in your
43:36relationship throughout the years. You
43:38can come back together and it can be
43:40better than ever again.
43:42And
43:43there are two techniques out of that
43:45book that I think are kind of like a
43:46foundation. One of them is called the
43:48Sexual Soulmate Pact, and that pact is
43:50an agreement between partners
43:52where I can say anything I want to you,
43:55and you're going to be happy I told you,
43:57and you're not going to take it as
43:58criticism or you did anything wrong.
44:01You're going to be hungry for me to tell
44:04you what I have an appetite for, what I
44:06want, how I'm feeling. Am I a kitty cat?
44:10Do you need to hold me in your arms? Do
44:12you need to pet me? Do you need to let
44:14me release and calm down and get some
44:17things off my chest? Do you just need to
44:19provide that holding?
44:23Or am I a lioness? Do I want you to
44:27ravish me? Do I want to be pounced on?
44:29Do you I want you to carry me to the
44:31bedroom and throw me down on the bed and
44:34rip my clothes off and tell me how
44:36gorgeous I am and eat me up.
44:38We want those things in that range all
44:41the time. But what couples forget is to
44:44start with holding and being held.
44:47Because when we do that, we generate
44:49oxytocin. And the oxytocin is kind of
44:52like the antidote
44:54to all the cortisol we're pumping out
44:56constantly with the kids and the school
44:58and the stress and the job and the
45:01politics and the you know, every all
45:03this crazy stuff. We need to be held and
45:07to hold.
45:08So step one then is have the
45:10conversation and step two is to
45:14just hold essentially. Hold each other.
45:16You don't even need to have a
45:17conversation. You can just go crawl into
45:19your partner's arms and say And this is
45:20something that I love to teach men. I
45:22love to teach men how to run a woman a
45:25menu of small offers.
45:28So the problem is that they're both
45:30feeling Eliza and her husband are likely
45:32both they're dissatisfied they feel
45:34disconnected.
45:35They're not speaking about it.
45:36They're not speaking about it and
45:39she feels like we should be having sex
45:42but we're not. Right? It's the should I
45:44should be having sex and what is sex?
45:46Intercourse.
45:48Well, she's not turned on. She hasn't
45:50had sex in God knows how long. She's not
45:52ready to be penetrated.
45:55She needs to get warmed up. You know,
45:57it's very very slow the female arousal
46:00system.
46:02And it takes 15, 20, 30 minutes when
46:05it's been a long time between lovemaking
46:08sessions to get out of your head, into
46:11your body, calmed down. Because arousal,
46:15it's not I'm going to push your buttons
46:17and I'm going to spin your dials, which
46:19is what guys try to do. They're like,
46:21"I've got a goal. I got to give her an
46:22orgasm. Let's go. I'm full speed ahead."
46:25Where in reality it's, "Oh, I need to
46:27hold her. I need to grab her up in my
46:29big muscular arms and I need to just let
46:32her calm down and
46:35relax.
46:37Remember what she loved about you
46:40and how much she loves you and how how
46:42good you smell and how good you feel and
46:45how safe she feels right in this moment.
46:47You used the word should.
46:49Should is such a
46:50What did I say?
46:51corrosive. When you were saying, "We
46:53should be having"
46:54Right.
46:55How often how much harm do you think
46:57should does? As in when I say should, I
46:59really mean it's a social comparison.
47:01It's like an external comparison. I've
47:03watched this movie, I spoke to my
47:04friend, they're doing it this often,
47:06they're doing it like this, so we should
47:08be doing it like them.
47:10Mhm.
47:10How much harm do you think that does?
47:12I've seen it in all my relationships.
47:13I've seen
47:14Guilt, guilt, guilt.
47:15Yeah, like the comparison to other
47:17people who are just not you
47:19it can do so much harm and
47:21I I think in my current relationship,
47:22we've basically banned comparison. So
47:24we've banned each other speaking about
47:26our unmet needs through the lens of
47:28other people or our past relationships.
47:31And I think it really helps.
47:33You know?
47:33I do, too.
47:34I think that if Eliza stopped
47:37feeling guilty and said, "Okay, I just
47:41I'm just going to start small." And if
47:43her husband if she said to her husband,
47:46"I just want to start small again. I
47:48just want to Let's crawl and then walk
47:50and then run back to lovemaking when we
47:53can. Let's acknowledge that we're in the
47:55time of our relationship when the kids
47:58make it really hard. Let's acknowledge
48:01that we want to have more intimacy
48:02together.
48:04And let's start with small offers. And
48:07then if he starts saying to her,
48:10"How about Thursday night,
48:12I bring home some Chinese. We get the
48:14kids in the bath. We get them in bed. We
48:16divide and conquer. We put them down.
48:18I'll go in, take a quick shower. I'll
48:21set up the bedroom. I'll set up the
48:22nest. I'll light a candle. I'll lay out
48:24some fresh towels. I'll get your
48:25favorite lube. I'll put on the sexy
48:28playlist that you like. And all I want
48:31you to do is relax. There's no pressure
48:35to do anything. I won't be mad if we
48:39don't have intercourse. What I'm going
48:41to do is I'm going to hold you. I'm
48:42going to get my hands on you. I'm going
48:44to rub whatever hurts. I'm going to tell
48:46you how much I love you. I'm going to
48:47snuggle you. I might kiss you if you
48:50want to kiss me. We'll see how it goes.
48:52No pressure."
48:53Why?
48:54Why no pressure?
48:55Because if she has pressure, then she's
48:58going to feel stressed. And if she feels
49:02stressed, she can't get into arousal. As
49:05soon as you take the pressure off,
49:08and let her just see what happens,
49:12then her body will go into arousal and
49:16connection and feel safe and relaxed,
49:19and she'll start to let down and get
49:22that turn on going.
49:24I guess the starting point then, as you
49:25said, is the communication part, right?
49:28Because that you can't even get to that
49:30point if you're in a situation. I've
49:31been in that situation once in my sexual
49:34history where
49:35it was so awkward that
49:38like it just gets the awkwardness just
49:40compounds, where you're not even
49:41speaking about something.
49:42Yeah.
49:43And so you're getting in bed. You're
49:44both just kind of out.
49:45Laying in silence and oh my god, he's
49:47thinking about it, and I'm thinking
49:48about it.
49:49Right. I hope he doesn't remember.
49:50about it, and I hope he doesn't ask me,
49:51and I'll pretend to sleep and all of
49:53that stuff. I've been there.
49:54Yeah.
49:54Um and really what broke it was the two
49:57things you said. The first thing was you
49:59got to talk about it. And the second
50:00thing was removing the pressure and the
50:02blame and and the judgment.
50:05And if you can get there, and I think
50:07much of the reason why people don't want
50:08to talk about it sometimes
50:10is because they they might have a little
50:12bit of a risk that if they're honest
50:14about how they're feeling then the other
50:15the the person might leave or they might
50:17be mad or they they might not hang
50:19around long enough for you to fix it
50:21together.
50:23You know? And also you don't know how to
50:24fix it. So it's difficult sometimes in
50:26life to say I've got a problem, but I
50:28have no idea what the solution is.
50:30You know?
50:30Yeah.
50:31This is one of the reasons that I like
50:33erotic play dates so much.
50:35What's that?
50:36Erotic play dates are so
50:38All right, I've written hundreds of sex
50:40techniques.
50:42I've written dozens of communication
50:45skills.
50:47And what people really want, they don't
50:50necessarily just want a technique or a
50:51skill, they just want to have fun. They
50:54want erotic adventure.
50:57I just want to have fun having sex with
50:59you. I don't want it to be like I'm
51:01going to be finding your, you know, G
51:04spot or whatever. Like that's fun.
51:06That's fun. That could be one of the
51:07things you want to do. That could be one
51:09of your erotic play dates. It's like,
51:11let's find our G spot. Let's try this
51:13sex toy. Let's do a lingerie photo
51:15shoot. Let's have sex on the dining room
51:17table when the kids are away. Let's do
51:20whatever. When you start to think about
51:22your sexuality not as oh, we have to
51:25grab a boob and stick it in.
51:28We have to have intercourse.
51:30Um and when you move away from that and
51:31you take the pressure off, you have a
51:32lot more intercourse.
51:35Because you have a you start having fun.
51:37You start trying things. And when you
51:39try things, you have new relationship
51:42energy.
51:43Sex is an equation.
51:47It is two things.
51:49Good sex is
51:51half of it is safety and security.
51:54I trust this person. They're not going
51:56to give me STIs. You know, they're
51:58they're going to they're going to be
51:59fun. Um I like them. They smell good.
52:02They taste good. You know, that
52:04I they're going to be good have sex
52:06with. But if you you just have that
52:12boring, you know? It's like that's the
52:14death knell for your sex life is when
52:17it's just safe.
52:19Boring. Sounds so boring. So, variety,
52:23novelty,
52:24erotic adventures, erotic play dates,
52:28learning new things together.
52:30When you have this seat, this foundation
52:34of trust and safety,
52:37and good communication, I can say
52:39anything I want to you and you're going
52:40to love me and you're going to
52:41appreciate that I'm telling you what I
52:43need all the time.
52:45When you have that, and then you add all
52:47the novelty, ooh, did you hear about
52:50that heated sex toy or that one that
52:52blows up in your vagina? It inflates.
52:54What's that like? Or oh, let's find your
52:56P-spot. Or let's try this penis ring. Or
52:59whatever it might be. Um once you start
53:02doing those things, then not only that,
53:03but you have something to look forward
53:05to.
53:06You're like, okay. So, one of the things
53:08that I like to offer people is a is
53:10understanding what's on your sex life
53:12bucket list.
53:14So, what I did was I took 48 of my best
53:18sexy ideas and I made a sex life bucket
53:21list with all 48 of them. And then it's
53:24basically this little printout here. I
53:25I'll just give you one.
53:27For me?
53:28Yeah.
53:30Or for them?
53:32This one this is for you. So, what's
53:33interesting about the sex life bucket
53:34list is that I give you a video and I
53:37give you a printout. And if you both do
53:38the printout, and you watch the video,
53:41and you go through and I tell you what
53:43all 48 ideas are. And then when you do
53:46that you go, "Okay, well these are my
53:49A's. I definitely want to do a laundry
53:51photo shoot with you. My B's are I mean
53:55I'd find your P spot with you and I'm
53:56happy to do it but it wouldn't be like
53:58on my A list."
53:59P spot?
54:00Your prostate. Your P spot.
54:02Is that your bum?
54:03Yeah, up your bum.
54:04Okay.
54:04And um C's are it's not for me right
54:08now. Never say never because as you
54:10mature,
54:11if you think about your sexual
54:13development like your personal
54:14development, it's just one more thing
54:16you're learning. You get better and
54:18better and you increment your skills.
54:20And so what you used to look at and go,
54:21"Why would anybody want to be spanked?"
54:23Now you're like, "Oh my god, I want to
54:24be spanked."
54:25I've been there in my I've been there in
54:27my sexual history where I was with a
54:29partner and I remember first introduced
54:32introducing the idea of using sex toys.
54:34Yeah.
54:34And my partner responded at the time
54:36many many years ago saying that no,
54:38that's for 50-year-old people. And I I I
54:40I I was like, "What?" And that was I
54:42found it really disappointing cuz I
54:43thought I was I was in search of novelty
54:46in the the bedroom. So I was looking to
54:47try new things and I'd heard of like my
54:49best friend was doing all sorts of like
54:51bondage and whips and stuff. So I was
54:53like, "I'll get in I'll get involved in
54:54that."
54:54Yeah.
54:55And they just kind of shut it down.
54:57Uh-huh.
54:57And what is someone supposed to do in
54:59such a situation where they've proposed
55:01something which is in line with their
55:02sort of their sex language but their
55:04partner has shut it down, dismissed it,
55:06mocked it, ridiculed it, whatever. What
55:08are they supposed to do?
55:09Yeah. First of all, I cannot wait to do
55:11my Susan's sexy show and tell with you
55:15today because I have brought you some
55:17things that I've never shown anyone
55:20before. I have brand new things that no
55:23one's ever seen in the whole world for
55:25you today. So I'm excited about that.
55:28The second thing is that understanding
55:30that your girlfriend was afraid.
55:33She's just afraid. It was lack of
55:35knowledge makes fear.
55:37So, how can you educate her? Say, "You
55:40know, I think you'd really enjoy us
55:42playing with a toy together. You know,
55:44I'd love to be inside you while you're
55:47you have a toy on your the outside. And
55:50I think you'd really enjoy it and it
55:52might give you some different kinds of
55:53orgasms. So, why don't we have a date
55:56and I'll take you to a store and we can
55:59look at them."
55:59And she goes, "No, I'm not interested in
56:02that. I don't like it."
56:03Say, "Well, tell me what it is you don't
56:05like about it. Is it something where you
56:06think that it might do what? Replace I
56:11you'd think I'd be worried about being
56:12replaced."
56:13I don't think it's good for us. I think
56:14that we're better doing it naturally and
56:16I think that that that's for people that
56:18are 50. Which is what she said to me is
56:19the quote. She said "I think that's for
56:21people that are 50."
56:22Well,
56:23And we were at the time must have been
56:24early 20s or something. So,
56:26I mean, I use an electric toothbrush and
56:28an oral irrigator and I drive a car and
56:31I have a mobile device and I use a
56:33laptop and I use all kinds of tools.
56:36So, these are tools of pleasure and all
56:39I think is that we might experiment with
56:42some fun things. But, if the toys aren't
56:44of interest to you right now, let's talk
56:46about what else might be of interest.
56:48Let's do this sex life bucket list and
56:50see what does sound good to you and
56:53let's just start with your A's. I'm
56:55perfectly willing to meet you where you
56:57are with the things that might be on
56:58your bucket list. Let's Let's knock a
57:00few of those things off and try some fun
57:03new things together.
57:04It's interesting cuz I I also you were
57:05speaking, I was reflecting on that
57:06sentence that that this former partner
57:09said many years ago about I think it's
57:11for people that are 50 cuz A, when I'm
57:1250, I still want to be having the best
57:13sex of my life.
57:16I've I've spoken to 50-year-olds and
57:17they're having a great time. Um but C,
57:20it also comes back to this idea of like
57:22should, which is again a
57:24comparative measure. I don't You know,
57:26like this expectation and
57:29this this how stereotypes can can be so
57:32corrosive for like sexual exploration
57:35and and openness.
57:38The other thing I was thinking about is
57:40what if you want to try something with
57:42your partner, you have a fantasy
57:44and
57:46it is opposed to their fantasy. So like
57:50I I think you we talk about love
57:51languages a lot, but what about like sex
57:53languages? Could you Could you Is it
57:55possible to have the opposite sex
57:57language to your partner? For example,
57:59you might want to be um
58:02you might want to feel really safe, but
58:04your partner wants to tie you up and
58:09dominate.
58:10Yeah.
58:11And that's like and that's maybe that's
58:12their thing.
58:13Yeah.
58:14And you but you want to be really you
58:15want to feel really safe, so that that's
58:17like diametrically opposed.
58:18Mhm.
58:19So there's a couple of things. The first
58:20is that
58:23uh Jaiya's erotic blueprints are a good
58:25place to start.
58:27Um she's come up with five different
58:29archetypes, uh sexual archetypes. And I
58:32think that's wonderful, but it's very
58:34similar also to the um love languages,
58:38where it's like, "Well, Steve,
58:41I want you to love me in all five ways."
58:42Like making me think I have a love
58:45language, it's also uh starting with the
58:47erotic blueprint that you have is great,
58:50but maybe you are really enjoying being
58:53passive, but then why not try and be a
58:56little switchy? Why not learn and become
58:59more confident in your sexuality and
59:02learn how to take control?
59:04Or maybe you are the one that's always
59:06dominant and it's time for you to learn
59:08how to surrender. I think that you can
59:10start in one place with your comfort
59:14zone,
59:15but begin to learn more things so that
59:18you get out of your comfort zone and you
59:20start trying new things.
59:23How often? You said um safety plus
59:25novelty equals desire.
59:27Mhm.
59:27So the novelty part, I mean if you live
59:30100 years, that's a lot of new ideas
59:32you're going to need.
59:33I have not run out of ideas. As a matter
59:37of fact, Sir Tim, I joke that his like
59:40epitaph on his gravestone, which he's
59:43like, "I don't even need a gravestone. I
59:44don't I don't care about that." But I
59:45always joke that his epitaph is up for
59:48anything. Like I can't come up with
59:51something that guy wouldn't be willing
59:52to try with me. And I keep coming up
59:54with stuff and he keeps being a yes.
59:56And it's really, really fun when you're
59:58with a partner like that or when the two
1:00:00of you have ideas. And a lot of times
1:00:03when we have a date, we'll sit down and
1:00:06and or if we have a date with a third
1:00:08person. So I have a boyfriend as well.
1:00:12And the three of us make love.
1:00:14And we'll get together for our date and
1:00:18we'll
1:00:18watches that?
1:00:19No, we were all together. They're
1:00:20straight, but we all make love together.
1:00:23And
1:00:24um
1:00:25we'll sit down and we'll be like, "Okay,
1:00:26well what do you guys feel like?" And
1:00:27they'll throw out some ideas and I'll
1:00:29throw out some ideas and then we'll
1:00:30decide what we want to start with first
1:00:31and then we'll come up with a game plan
1:00:33and then we'll start that game plan, but
1:00:35then I'll be like, "Oh no, you know what
1:00:36I want to do? I want to do this
1:00:37instead."
1:00:38AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OKAY, WE'LL DO THAT
1:00:40INSTEAD."
1:00:41And so
1:00:42you can just get to the point where
1:00:43you're so comfortable that you can
1:00:46listen to your animal. One of the
1:00:48reasons I used the word Homo sapien
1:00:51when I talked to you earlier
1:00:53is that we can't forget that we are part
1:00:57of, if you think about the tree of life.
1:01:00We're on the branch with the bonobos and
1:01:04the great apes. We are Homo sapien. We
1:01:07are
1:01:08part of the great apes. And so we're an
1:01:11animal.
1:01:12We are subject to the vagaries of how
1:01:14much sugar we've eaten, have we been
1:01:16drinking, have we been, you know, have
1:01:18we been sad, have we been stressed out,
1:01:20etc. Have we been working out or not?
1:01:23And so, every time you enter into an
1:01:26experience together, every time you
1:01:28begin a lovemaking date,
1:01:31to not have some prescribed thing that
1:01:33you're going to do, but to see what your
1:01:34appetite, what your animal desires, what
1:01:37he or she is in the mood for.
1:01:41I'm the kitty cat, I'm the lioness,
1:01:42where am I? I want to try a new toy, I
1:01:44want to have sex in a different
1:01:46location, whatever it might be. What am
1:01:48I in the mood for? What does she want?
1:01:51I've got another question. So, this is
1:01:53from a young man okay who is a Diary of
1:01:55a CEO listener,
1:01:57and this is his situation.
1:01:59I feel like
1:02:02when
1:02:04whenever
1:02:06I am
1:02:08having sex with someone,
1:02:10that she's not really having as good of
1:02:14a time as she's acting like. Um and the
1:02:18reason that I think so is because I only
1:02:21last like two or three minutes in bed,
1:02:23and I just don't think that that's
1:02:24enough time for her to you know, for her
1:02:28to get off also.
1:02:31Um and this has been an issue dating
1:02:34back to my first relationship.
1:02:37Yeah, this is very, very common. Uh so,
1:02:40Kit, you are not alone. One in four men
1:02:43of all ages suffer from what some people
1:02:46call premature ejaculation
1:02:49or performance anxiety,
1:02:51but um
1:02:53one of the things that I have been doing
1:02:56is working with Jim Benson. I publish
1:02:58his
1:03:00program called multiorgasmic lover for
1:03:02men.
1:03:03And basically, what it does is it helps
1:03:05men attain something called ejaculatory
1:03:08choice.
1:03:10And that is essentially, you get to
1:03:11ejaculate when you want to, not because
1:03:13you can't help it.
1:03:15So, for the guys that are coming too
1:03:17fast, it slows them down. It's
1:03:19essentially a technique called the me
1:03:22breath, m e.
1:03:24And it is
1:03:26um
1:03:27a way to use three things in your body.
1:03:30It's a body-based technique. It's very
1:03:32similar to like learning how to swing a
1:03:34golf club or learning how to drive a
1:03:35car. Where you, you know, when you're
1:03:38driving a car, you're gassing, you're
1:03:39braking, you're looking in the rearview
1:03:41mirror, you're looking out the front,
1:03:42you're steering, you might even be
1:03:43shifting.
1:03:46And uh golf swing, you know, you're
1:03:48setting it up, you got the head tilted
1:03:49right, you're doing your swing, your
1:03:50pull back, and all these kinds of
1:03:52things.
1:03:53The me breath uses three things. It uses
1:03:54a a squeeze of the PC muscle, the
1:03:57pubococcygeus
1:03:59muscle. It's like the Kegel area.
1:04:02It uses a breath that is called a cool
1:04:05draw. This comes from Taoist techniques
1:04:07for semen retention, but it's not a
1:04:09semen retention technique, but it's
1:04:11leverages that. And it uses a what we
1:04:15call a thrust or a pelvic rock to relax
1:04:18guys. Guys end up often with intercourse
1:04:22kind of doing like
1:04:24like a piston. They think about the
1:04:26vagina as like an inside-out penis, and
1:04:29it's just this friction that's supposed
1:04:31to feel good to her. The vagina is a
1:04:33vast cavern of pleasure. It is not an
1:04:35inside-out penis, and it likes all kinds
1:04:38of other things. But when they end up
1:04:40with that friction
1:04:42and they're stiff
1:04:44and they're not relaxed, it accelerates
1:04:47ejaculation.
1:04:49So, when they learn the squeeze, the
1:04:51breathe, and the thrust, and they do
1:04:53them during masturbation, often men who
1:04:56come before they want to are suffering
1:04:59from um
1:05:02kind of almost training themselves to
1:05:03come too fast, like they've they've
1:05:04masturbated in ways that, you know, gets
1:05:08them off quickly. Often they don't have
1:05:09privacy or, you know, they're just they
1:05:12just don't have leisurely time for
1:05:14masturbation. So, you practice the me
1:05:16breath during masturbation, and it
1:05:18teaches your body to gas and brake your
1:05:21arousal, so you can slow down.
1:05:24And the other component is the mental
1:05:27component, which is
1:05:29that you get really nervous you're going
1:05:31to do it again, and then that makes you
1:05:33do it again. And so, there are some
1:05:36somatic
1:05:38techniques that allow you to be present
1:05:42right here, right now. Because a lot of
1:05:45guys guys say to me all the time,
1:05:48"I don't really care about my own
1:05:49pleasure. I'm just in it for her." And
1:05:50it's like, well, that's a lot of
1:05:52pressure for her, dude. It would be nice
1:05:53if you showed your pleasure, too. Like,
1:05:55always just trying to make her have an
1:05:57orgasm
1:05:59is not really what you want to do,
1:06:00either. You need to get out of your head
1:06:03and into your body.
1:06:05You got to slow down. You got to get
1:06:07present. Because if you're thinking
1:06:09about something that happened in the
1:06:10past, "Oh, I'm going to come too fast
1:06:11again." Or, "Oh my god, what if I come
1:06:14too fast?" You're you're not with me.
1:06:16And so, if he stops trying to make her
1:06:20have fun, if he stops worrying, he
1:06:22practices the me breath at home, and
1:06:25then when he's making love to her, he
1:06:27knows how to
1:06:29breathe and rock his hips. And by the
1:06:31way, that pelvic rock feels really good
1:06:35in intercourse for her. So, that's nice,
1:06:38too.
1:06:39If I was to try and relate to
1:06:41our friend here, Kit.
1:06:43Yeah.
1:06:44I think for the first sort of season of
1:06:46my sexual journey, I thought of sex as
1:06:49this thing where you kind of I'm on
1:06:52and it needs to be like quick as you
1:06:54can. And in fact, I think because of cuz
1:06:56you watch pornography when you're young,
1:06:58you think that the faster and harder you
1:07:00go, the better the job you're doing.
1:07:01Oh my gosh, I know.
1:07:02I think in my wisdom I've learned that
1:07:04there's no rush.
1:07:06Oh.
1:07:06And also, you know, I get off by
1:07:08watching my partner get off. So, this is
1:07:11where a lot of the things you have on
1:07:12this table come in cuz
1:07:14it wasn't until later in my sort of
1:07:16sexual journey that I started using
1:07:18these kind of things, these toys that
1:07:20you've brought. I mean, you've brought
1:07:21720 of them, but
1:07:23I recognize a couple of them.
1:07:25Um
1:07:26which ones are like a a fan favorite? If
1:07:28you're a guy and you're looking to
1:07:29pleasure your partner, which one of
1:07:31these is like, you know, easy money? Is
1:07:33like
1:07:35is going to hit the spot?
1:07:36Yeah. Well, there's a couple of
1:07:37different ones. One of the things that I
1:07:39think is really important is yoni
1:07:41massage.
1:07:43Do you know what a yoni is?
1:07:44I do.
1:07:45Good for you.
1:07:46Because my yeah, my partner is
1:07:49has told me what yoni massages are and
1:07:51she was in Bali for many years doing
1:07:53she's done tantra training and I've I've
1:07:54been with her and stuff, so
1:07:56yeah.
1:07:57Great.
1:07:57Yoni means vagina.
1:07:59It really means, you know, the vagina is
1:08:01just the internal
1:08:03Oh, yeah.
1:08:03cavern.
1:08:05And the vulva is just the external
1:08:07facing
1:08:09tissue.
1:08:09Okay.
1:08:10Like the outside and the inside. And so,
1:08:11vagina's not technically accurate and
1:08:13vulva's not technically accurate. The
1:08:15whole thing, the whole shebang.
1:08:18Right, but it's not cuz the vagina's
1:08:20just the internal. So, I like the word
1:08:23yoni because it's comprehensive. And
1:08:28it's also reverential.
1:08:30Which means?
1:08:31It means that you are not looking at it
1:08:34as like this is just a thing that I'm
1:08:37sticking my penis in. This is actually
1:08:39connected to this woman.
1:08:41This is her the seat of her passion.
1:08:44This is the seat of her creativity. This
1:08:47is she is a goddess and I will pleasure
1:08:50every part of her.
1:08:51And so,
1:08:53I think that's the number one thing
1:08:55that's important to when I when I use
1:08:56the word yoni, I'm really thinking about
1:08:58it in a very loving, gentle, kind, and
1:09:02pleasurable perspective. And so, if you
1:09:05want to do a good job for a yoni, the
1:09:09best thing that you can do is give it a
1:09:11massage before you make love to it.
1:09:15And so, toys that I would recommend for
1:09:18that are lay-on
1:09:21toys. This is a pretty burgeoning
1:09:23category of of toys. And I I think about
1:09:27them as tools. I don't even think
1:09:28they're toys. I feel like toys is like
1:09:30Okay, yeah, that's fine, but they're
1:09:32they're tools.
1:09:32What's a lay-on toy?
1:09:34So, here are two lay-on tools. This is
1:09:36called the Pulse Queen, and this one
1:09:38actually has a vibrating plate. Let Let
1:09:40me turn it on for you. Actually, you'd
1:09:42probably figure it out right away. Hold
1:09:43the middle button down for a minute and
1:09:45it'll it'll go on. There you go.
1:09:47This pulse plate technology actually
1:09:50penetrates
1:09:52the vulva, the outside of her yoni,
1:09:57and it feels great on the clitoral
1:09:58structures. It feels great on the mons.
1:10:01It's a headache, so yeah.
1:10:03It feels great on the outer labia and
1:10:05the inner labia and the vestibule. So,
1:10:08what it does
1:10:09Wow.
1:10:10Yeah, it it'll There's plenty of power.
1:10:13Here's another one. That's called the
1:10:15Vibe, and that's also a lay-on tool. And
1:10:18they send
1:10:20penetrating, pulsating pleasure into the
1:10:25yoni. And what's nice about that is that
1:10:27Here's my banana. So,
1:10:30if you imagine this banana is a penis,
1:10:33that's pretty easy. You can do that. And
1:10:35half of your penis sticks out of your
1:10:37body, and half of it actually goes down
1:10:39and in towards your testicles.
1:10:41So, it's a double, almost double what
1:10:43you see sticking out fully erect, is
1:10:46twice that size.
1:10:47And inside it is erectile tissue,
1:10:51spongy tissue,
1:10:52and that spongy tissue holds blood.
1:10:56So, remember when I was talking about um
1:10:59being held and holding and how women
1:11:01need to get out of their head and they
1:11:03need to slow down?
1:11:04Yeah.
1:11:05If a a lot of guys say to me, "What's
1:11:07the number one sex technique I need to
1:11:08know?"
1:11:09And I'm like, "Okay, well, there's a lot
1:11:10of them, but the number one sex
1:11:12technique you need to know is slow down.
1:11:14Turn around and come back and get us cuz
1:11:15you're ready to go and we're not because
1:11:18your erection happens in a minute or
1:11:20two. You can usually get a hard-on
1:11:23because this spongy tissue in your penis
1:11:25has these three straight shoots and the
1:11:27blood runs right in there. You see the
1:11:30boob and you get an erection. Boom."
1:11:33But not a female body. A female body has
1:11:36the same amount of erectile tissue as is
1:11:39inside your penis only
1:11:42and I'm doing a little demo here if
1:11:43you're listening to us. I'm stretching
1:11:46this erectile tissue from the penis into
1:11:50this little teardrop shape. The vagina
1:11:53is in here and the urethral canal, which
1:11:55is what's called the G-spot, but it's
1:11:57not a spot, it's a long tube. So, here
1:11:59is the vagina. It is wrapped in the same
1:12:02amount of erectile tissue that's in your
1:12:04penis.
1:12:05But, it's in these little arms, little
1:12:07legs, little shaft, little sponge,
1:12:09little sponge. And so, it takes about 20
1:12:13minutes for her to achieve her clitoral
1:12:17erection.
1:12:18So, we'll start with her first then.
1:12:20Right. So, yoni massages are fantastic
1:12:23because you're going to get that blood
1:12:25flowing into her vulva
1:12:28so that all this tissue gets nice and
1:12:31plump, so she gets an erection. Because
1:12:34how does sex feel if you're flaccid?
1:12:36Hm.
1:12:37Not great.
1:12:38It feels great when you're erect.
1:12:40And that's because it has more surface
1:12:42area
1:12:43that sends more signals to your biggest
1:12:46sex organ, your
1:12:48Brain.
1:12:48Your brain. And so, when women are
1:12:51rushed for sex, which is has been almost
1:12:53all the time because everything you see
1:12:55in the movies What is it? What What's
1:12:56the typical movie scene? We get
1:12:58together, we kiss, you rip off my shirt,
1:13:01my bra is still on, you haven't even
1:13:02touched my boobs, which are one of the
1:13:04three not you, you're you're perfect,
1:13:07but
1:13:08you know, he hasn't even touched her
1:13:09boobs and he's ripped her pants off and
1:13:11he's plunged inside her. She's not
1:13:14ready. She doesn't have a lady boner.
1:13:16She's not ready to go. That tissue needs
1:13:18to be filled up with blood so that it
1:13:22feels as good to her so it sends the
1:13:24signals to her brain. So, all those
1:13:25women who are like
1:13:27I'm I'm just the kind of woman who can't
1:13:29have an orgasm from intercourse.
1:13:31I'm like, uh girl, yeah, you can. You
1:13:35can basically have orgasms the entire
1:13:37time you're having intercourse if you
1:13:40get enough pleasuring before you're
1:13:43penetrated.
1:13:45You said there's multiple types of
1:13:46orgasms.
1:13:4720
1:13:4820 different types
1:13:4920 plus. One is wild card because I'm
1:13:51always leaving opportunity open for more
1:13:53orgasms.
1:13:54I read this quantum orgasm.
1:13:56Yeah, quantum orgasm, yeah.
1:13:58What's that?
1:13:59So
1:13:59That sounds nice.
1:14:00Of the 20 kinds of orgasms, there are
1:14:03locations to touch, clitoral, vaginal,
1:14:07anal, breastgasms, nipplegasms,
1:14:10throatgasms, etc. And then there are
1:14:14techniques to use. So, for female
1:14:17ejaculation, which all women can do,
1:14:20uh there are very specific techniques
1:14:22that work and it's not what you see on
1:14:24porn.
1:14:25And then there's expanded orgasm
1:14:27techniques as well.
1:14:29And an expanded orgasm or like a quantum
1:14:32gasm is this. So,
1:14:35and then there and there are tools of
1:14:36desire. So, there's three different
1:14:37types of orgasm. I'll finish that
1:14:39sentence. So, there's locations to
1:14:41touch, techniques to use, and tools or
1:14:44objects of desire because who's to say
1:14:47that that crop that spanks your bottom
1:14:52isn't an object of desire to give you
1:14:53orgasms. It is, too.
1:14:55But, the quantum gasm, so a regular
1:14:58orgasm is okay. It's very similar to
1:15:01what men think about an orgasm being
1:15:04like
1:15:05I'm going to And this is like the 1960s,
1:15:07you know, Masters and Johnson style.
1:15:09Almost 80 years ago. We have moved on
1:15:12from this style of orgasm. This is just
1:15:14one type. But, it's the
1:15:22and you have the orgasm. That's a
1:15:23one-and-done. And often women who say,
1:15:26or and a lot of men complain about this
1:15:28to me, "After she has an orgasm, she
1:15:30doesn't want me to touch her. It's over.
1:15:32She's done." And I'm like, "You're
1:15:33driving her too hard. You haven't given
1:15:35her enough engorgement. If you go
1:15:38slower,
1:15:39she'll be able to have multiple orgasms
1:15:42because you haven't driven her nervous
1:15:43system so hard to get the first one
1:15:46done. So, slow down, lighter touch, more
1:15:49engorgement, more foreplay, make out,
1:15:52play with her boobs, stroke her body,
1:15:54tell her she's beautiful, all of these
1:15:56things. And
1:15:58then she can move into multiple orgasms.
1:16:06She can do that, right? But, then
1:16:08there's extended orgasms. So, this is
1:16:12where she starts being able to
1:16:14sit in sensation.
1:16:16And this is back to sex as a mindfulness
1:16:18practice. Now, she's right there. She's
1:16:22in the orgasm. And now she's like
1:16:37That's the sound. That's the grab, Lisa.
1:16:40Yeah, that.
1:16:40Right? That's an extended orgasm. Now
1:16:43she's taking that moment of time
1:16:46and she's stretched it out, like taffy.
1:16:48Right? So now she's in the orgasm.
1:16:51Right? So she's starting to ride a big
1:16:52wave.
1:16:53But then there's an expanded orgasm, and
1:16:57that's that's the king, the queen of
1:17:00orgasms, and that is
1:17:03now I'm a big wave rider. You're towing
1:17:05me out. You're stroking me. You're
1:17:07pleasuring me.
1:17:10It's feeling good. You get me up in that
1:17:13wave, and I'm riding that wave.
1:17:16And I just ride and ride and ride and
1:17:18ride that wave, and you tow me back out.
1:17:21And a big set just came in. And now you
1:17:24tow me into a bigger wave. It's more
1:17:26intense. It lasts even longer. And I am
1:17:30just coming and coming and coming, and
1:17:33you just keep delivering. And you're
1:17:35delivering it to me with the lightest of
1:17:38touch. Because now I'm so good at
1:17:41orgasming that all you barely have to do
1:17:45is stroke a little finger on all that
1:17:48delicious, plump, juicy tissue that's
1:17:52now sending massive amounts of signals
1:17:55to my brain. And I am coming for
1:17:5810 minutes, 20 minutes,
1:18:0130 minutes. Now I'm going to come with
1:18:04you
1:18:05for until I can't anymore. Let's see how
1:18:08long we can go. And you start having
1:18:10orgasms that keep getting bigger and
1:18:13better until
1:18:15you're just tired. You need to stop. You
1:18:17have to get some water. You need to
1:18:20recover.
1:18:22And I remember when I was learning the
1:18:24expanded orgasm technique. This was from
1:18:26my mentor, Dr. Patti Taylor, and I
1:18:27called her one day when I had one of
1:18:29those hour-long orgasms with Tim, and I
1:18:31was like, let's see how long I can come,
1:18:33how hard I can come, and how much I can
1:18:34come. And so,
1:18:37I came and came and came and and I
1:18:38thought, "Oh man, I'm at this precipice.
1:18:43And I'm afraid to let go. Like I'm I'm
1:18:45riding the waves, but I there's more and
1:18:48it's out there, but I'm afraid." And I
1:18:50called Patty and I was like, "What do I
1:18:52do?" And she goes,
1:18:54"Step off.
1:18:55Go. Go out there." When I stepped off,
1:18:59I touched source. I touched God. I felt
1:19:02Gaia. I felt my connection. I felt what
1:19:05connects us all.
1:19:07That's why sex is repressed. That's why
1:19:12people
1:19:14hold you away from sexuality and shame
1:19:17you. Because if you felt God in your
1:19:19lovemaking, why would you need to go to
1:19:21God in a church?
1:19:23Here's Ethan. He's far away from God.
1:19:25My
1:19:26girlfriend and I um just moved in
1:19:28together about a year ago. We've been
1:19:30together for 2 years and we're looking
1:19:33down the barrel of a dry bedroom and uh
1:19:36things have
1:19:37gotten real
1:19:39mechanical especially in the last
1:19:41several months and I'm just afraid of
1:19:42where it's going to go and I want to
1:19:43help us.
1:19:45Good.
1:19:47It's not good for her.
1:19:49She's not enjoying it.
1:19:51He's bummed out.
1:19:53So, he's probably doing He probably I
1:19:55mean, how can you blame anyone for not
1:19:59knowing when there's
1:20:01My work's always censored. I teach
1:20:04passionate lovemaking techniques. I
1:20:07But I can't
1:20:09advertise. I can't advertise expanded
1:20:11orgasm practice.
1:20:12If you're trying to teach Ethan how to
1:20:14have an expanded orgasm with his
1:20:15partner.
1:20:16Yeah.
1:20:17What would you How do you go about that?
1:20:18What's like
1:20:19him the program. It's 21 erotic play
1:20:21dates. You learn the It's a five-stroke
1:20:24technique.
1:20:25But I would say start with
1:20:28sex like bucket list. Start with trying
1:20:30some toys. Start with yoni massages.
1:20:33Start with
1:20:34one toy for Ethan, then? One that's just
1:20:36going to she's it's going to blow her
1:20:37mind.
1:20:38Which one would you Which one is the
1:20:40favorite? Like of all these toys there's
1:20:42I mean there's some more over there as
1:20:43well. What is There's got to be one
1:20:45that's most popular amongst women?
1:20:48It depends. I would say that if he wants
1:20:50to have partnered sex with her, then one
1:20:53could be a double vibrating penis ring
1:20:56that he could put on her and she could
1:20:59ride him. And then
1:21:01uh she could put her clitoral structure
1:21:05up against the Here, let me help you
1:21:07with that.
1:21:07No, I've got it. Don't worry.
1:21:08You do? Oh, good for you.
1:21:10fiddle with it on the
1:21:11I know. It's on the bottom. You have to
1:21:13turn it on the bottom. Hold the button
1:21:14on the bottom and hold it for just a
1:21:15second and it'll go on.
1:21:17Oh my gosh.
1:21:17And there you go. And then you can press
1:21:19it again. Press the button at the top
1:21:20again.
1:21:20At the top?
1:21:21Oh, I'm sorry. At the bottom. The same
1:21:23one. Press it again. There it goes on.
1:21:25Okay, so that vibrates on the clitoris
1:21:27while it's attached to your penis.
1:21:28Yes, your actually your penis and your
1:21:30testicles go through there.
1:21:32And your testicles? Oh my god.
1:21:32Yeah. All your junk goes through there
1:21:34and then you get perineal pleasure while
1:21:37she gets clitoral pleasure.
1:21:39So, you could try that. Or you could
1:21:42give her something like this. This is a
1:21:43little This is called the digit. And
1:21:44this is like a little ring pop. So that
1:21:47if you have lube all over your hands,
1:21:48you don't lose it. It's It's not hard to
1:21:50hold on to. And this will dance like a
1:21:52little hummingbird on her clitoral
1:21:54structure while you're penetrating her.
1:21:56That's a good idea. I I love this one.
1:21:58This one's great because sometimes I'm
1:22:00trying to hold on to
1:22:01I'm messing around trying to hold on to
1:22:02this thing and it's sliding around.
1:22:04So that's fantastic. You just got to
1:22:05rest it there. That's fantastic.
1:22:06Yes. So I'd say
1:22:08introduce her to toys, but also start
1:22:11giving her yoni massages.
1:22:13Just really lay her down, get out the
1:22:16oil. I'd like to tell you about this. I
1:22:18brought these for you. So, this is um
1:22:22Foria. This is my pleasure protocol.
1:22:25And there are three components to it.
1:22:27The first is this.
1:22:31Put a melt Have your partner put a melt
1:22:35inside her vagina. This is cocoa butter
1:22:38botanicals.
1:22:40But people can't see. What have you just
1:22:42handed me?
1:22:42I've handed you just a little
1:22:45a little cocoa butter It almost looks
1:22:47like a little fingertip of cocoa butter
1:22:49that goes up inside the vagina.
1:22:51To me it looks like a double-sized
1:22:55tablet. Is inside here?
1:22:56Yeah. That's reasonable. And you can
1:22:59take one Open it up and take one out.
1:23:01Yeah. Um
1:23:02and
1:23:03the cocoa butter melts up in there with
1:23:05CBD and botanicals. There you go.
1:23:09Doesn't it smell good?
1:23:10gosh, it's
1:23:12It smells like I'm dark chocolate.
1:23:13It's cocoa.
1:23:15Ah.
1:23:15Cocoa butter is from cacao. It is
1:23:18chocolate.
1:23:19It's the fat of chocolate.
1:23:22Mhm.
1:23:22Which is an aphrodisiac, right? Doesn't
1:23:25it smell good?
1:23:26It smells It smells like cacao, yeah.
1:23:28Yeah, so nice.
1:23:29So she puts that inside her.
1:23:30She pops it right in.
1:23:32It melts almost immediately and it makes
1:23:34her vagina feel like velvety and
1:23:37luscious. And then this is the intimacy
1:23:40This is the awaken arousal oil. So when
1:23:43you take this home for your girlfriend,
1:23:46I want you to just put a few drops
1:23:48in your hand and then I want you to coat
1:23:50it on the outside, on the vulva, on her
1:23:52mons, her outer labia, her inner labia,
1:23:55her clitoral shaft and tip, and the
1:23:57vestibule, the inside between the two
1:24:00labia.
1:24:01She's going to wonder what I'm doing.
1:24:02Doesn't that smell so good? And then
1:24:04when you want more slide and glide, you
1:24:08just put as much of the sex oil on as
1:24:10you want. So you've got some ins You've
1:24:12got the melt on the inside, you've got
1:24:13the arousal, the awakening, which is
1:24:15going to be like bing. It essentially
1:24:17makes your yoni When you put the arousal
1:24:18oil on, the awaken, it makes sure yoni
1:24:20go
1:24:24like that. It's so good. And then this
1:24:28is Oh, I need more slide. I need more
1:24:30glide. And then this I absolutely love.
1:24:34I I used to think I used to not really
1:24:37like my breasts.
1:24:38And I've got great boobs and I didn't
1:24:41think I did cuz I'm a woman and we think
1:24:43there's something wrong with us.
1:24:44Everybody in the world wants to get
1:24:45their hands on my boobs, but I didn't
1:24:47think they would look good. It's
1:24:48ridiculous what we women do to
1:24:50ourselves. So,
1:24:53when I discovered nipplegasms, I was
1:24:56like, "Oh,
1:24:58have I been missing out?" And I love
1:25:02having orgasms from my breasts being
1:25:04pleasured. It is so nice. And I've done
1:25:08an AB split test, one nipple with and
1:25:11one nipple without this breast oil.
1:25:14And nipple A loves this breast oil. So,
1:25:18when you play with your girlfriend, take
1:25:21little droppers full of this and have
1:25:22her have her hold her boobs up and
1:25:24dribble it on her boobs and then spread
1:25:26it around and play with her breasts and
1:25:29nipples maybe while you're making out or
1:25:32you know, a lot of times what I like to
1:25:33do is I like to have Tim lean up against
1:25:36the back of the bed, the headboard.
1:25:39And then I put a pillow on his belly and
1:25:42I lean back against him and he gives me
1:25:46breast pleasuring with the breast oil
1:25:49while I tell him about my day and we
1:25:51talk about things and we just connect
1:25:54with each other.
1:25:55I think Kit had something to say about
1:25:56this.
1:25:56Tell me.
1:25:57I mean, I probably need to get better at
1:25:59oral sex. I think oral sex is probably
1:26:01expected at this point. Um so, I guess I
1:26:05I would want to learn more about that
1:26:07and I would want to learn more about
1:26:08like
1:26:10This is going to sound so crazy, but
1:26:11like what like what are you supposed to
1:26:13do with nipples?
1:26:16I I know. I don't know any any other way
1:26:18to say that, but it's like, you know,
1:26:19does it feel good to like how long
1:26:21should I should I like suck on them for
1:26:23a while or should I
1:26:26like tweak them or like what's
1:26:30you know
1:26:31It It It just seems like awkward. So, I
1:26:33guess I'm more awkward than I should be
1:26:35and I think if someone could tell me
1:26:37some some things that I could do that
1:26:40are not awkward, then I would feel
1:26:43so much better about everything.
1:26:45Yeah, everybody feels like that.
1:26:48This is just a process of learning what
1:26:50to do and I'm so glad that he wants to
1:26:53and he's aware that he wants to learn
1:26:54some things. Um I think having great
1:26:56oral techniques is so good. Anybody that
1:26:59says to me, I just don't like oral sex.
1:27:01I'm like, uh because you haven't had
1:27:04good oral sex. Oral sex is incredible,
1:27:07highly orgasmic, amazing all on its own
1:27:11and a lot of people say, oh, I don't
1:27:12like 69, which is mutual oral
1:27:15pleasuring. And I'm like They're like, I
1:27:17can't concentrate. I'm like, you don't
1:27:19have to concentrate. You can just
1:27:20sometimes be giving and sometimes be
1:27:22receiving, but being connected like that
1:27:26being
1:27:27Think about the energy you're
1:27:29circulating and the pleasure that you're
1:27:31creating. Practice makes perfect with
1:27:34sex.
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1:29:25first order.
1:29:26And does the people's libidos drop when
1:29:29they go into menopause?
1:29:31It depends on so many factors. Some
1:29:35people say that they're having the best
1:29:37sex of their life through menopause,
1:29:40and some people say that their libido
1:29:43flatlines. Everybody's so different.
1:29:45There's genetics, there's diets, there's
1:29:47belief systems, there's, you know,
1:29:49whether your sex life's already good or
1:29:51not. So many things.
1:29:53Does low testosterone equal low libido
1:29:54typically?
1:29:55It can, yes.
1:29:56Okay.
1:29:57And I want to explain libido, desire,
1:29:59and arousal, cuz they're really three
1:30:00different things, but people use them
1:30:01interchangeably. Libido is your health.
1:30:04How healthy are you? One of the most
1:30:06common things that happens to couples is
1:30:08someone becomes ill, emotionally,
1:30:10physically, or both. And then they can't
1:30:13have intercourse, so they think their
1:30:14sex life is over and they stop even
1:30:16touching each other.
1:30:18And so what you have to do is you have
1:30:20to have that I I like to say I'm like a
1:30:22Timex watch. I can take a licking and
1:30:25keep on ticking, right? Anything that
1:30:27happens to me, I just find a way to fix
1:30:30it, work around it, take care of it.
1:30:32Like I just don't want to uh succumb to
1:30:37old age and atrophy and all of those
1:30:39things. So I do all kinds of this sexual
1:30:43biohacking and these sexual regenerative
1:30:45therapies.
1:30:46And then desire is how do you feel about
1:30:49yourself? Just like Eliza, where she
1:30:52feels
1:30:54like she's not desirable anymore.
1:30:56You have to really work with those body
1:30:59issues and
1:31:00and and love yourself and and and get
1:31:03over those things and bring yourself
1:31:05back to the pleasure and the connection
1:31:07and the joy that you create and not hold
1:31:09yourself up to some perfect thing.
1:31:11You've had kids, you're you're aging,
1:31:13okay? But that doesn't mean you can't
1:31:14have really great sex with your husband
1:31:17that makes you both so so happy and
1:31:18makes your kids happy because they're
1:31:20growing up in a household where their
1:31:21parents aren't all stressed out and
1:31:23disconnected. They're growing up in a
1:31:24household where mommy and daddy are
1:31:26going to go in the other room and you
1:31:28need to watch Barney for a while or
1:31:30whatever.
1:31:33And then arousal is this notion that men
1:31:35get erect very quickly and they're ready
1:31:37to go. They'll drop trow at a moment's
1:31:39notice and have sex anywhere, anytime.
1:31:42And women need relaxation to begin to
1:31:45climb the arousal ladder. They need that
1:31:47blood flow to come in. That takes 20 or
1:31:4930 minutes depending on frequency of
1:31:53engorgement and so we need that, too.
1:31:56I wanted to ask another question for one
1:31:59of my listeners. Um
1:32:01it was a guy and we had this question
1:32:04come in quite a lot from our audience
1:32:06and it was about routine. Where is it?
1:32:09This one here.
1:32:10This is Ethan.
1:32:11Okay.
1:32:12Yeah, it's just it's just it's just the
1:32:14same thing over and over again. It's
1:32:17how we can we can pretty much do one,
1:32:20maybe two,
1:32:22you know, positions
1:32:24and and yeah, it's got to be night time,
1:32:28bed.
1:32:31Same same day, you know, every every
1:32:33Saturday.
1:32:35I finally get it.
1:32:37Yippee.
1:32:39Yeah, I can I just feel the frustration
1:32:41in his voice.
1:32:43And it it it breaks my heart.
1:32:46And this is
1:32:48probably a woman who has one pathway
1:32:51that she's found to orgasm
1:32:53and that's her comfortable pathway.
1:32:56And so she wants a sure thing.
1:33:00And she needs it to be the same every
1:33:02time so she can have that. So what I
1:33:06would say to him is
1:33:08that again
1:33:09his partner's working without a lot of
1:33:12knowledge so she has much more fear and
1:33:15so the control that she's putting
1:33:18onto her sex life, like it's only this
1:33:20way, it's only in the dark, it's only
1:33:22this day, it's you know, that's her
1:33:24that's her groove. She's found her
1:33:26groove.
1:33:27And that's fine, but it would be what I
1:33:31would want her to know is that there's
1:33:3320 kinds of orgasms. There's so many
1:33:35pathways. Try orgasmic cross training.
1:33:40So start with the thing that you know
1:33:42works and then add something else in.
1:33:45And when you are working on that one
1:33:48thing that works and then you add the
1:33:50new thing in. Let's try let's try breast
1:33:52play. Okay? So I'm going to
1:33:55do what you want to do, but I'm also
1:33:56going to stimulate your breasts and
1:33:58nipples. I'm going to slowly trace my
1:34:00fingers. I'm going to put on some breast
1:34:02oil. I'm going to
1:34:03pleasure you.
1:34:04Pretty soon
1:34:06that
1:34:08at first might not feel good to her.
1:34:11It might make her feel This is This is
1:34:14If you touch a woman in on her breasts,
1:34:16on her nipples, on her vulva, on her
1:34:19clitoris, in her opening to her vagina,
1:34:22which is called her introitus sphincter,
1:34:23which is a little round muscle, inside
1:34:26her vagina, on her labia, all these
1:34:28different places, and you ask her, "What
1:34:29do you feel?"
1:34:31All different women will say basically
1:34:32four things.
1:34:35The first thing they'll say is
1:34:37it feels it it hurts. It feels painful.
1:34:40It feels numb.
1:34:42I feel shame.
1:34:45Or I feel pleasure.
1:34:47All that's standing between
1:34:51the pain, the shame, the numbness, and
1:34:54the pleasure
1:34:55is orgasmic
1:34:58in a loving way that feels safe.
1:35:02So that you can begin to start those
1:35:06neural pathways to the brain. I'm back
1:35:09to the biggest sex organ again. Which is
1:35:12the third time you touched me in a
1:35:13loving way on my labia, it actually
1:35:17started to not feel numb. It started to
1:35:20feel good. Great! Let's do it some more.
1:35:24And so, when you bring all the sensation
1:35:27online, when you get all those
1:35:30corpuscles and nerve endings and all of
1:35:33that tissue thrumming with pleasure,
1:35:37your orgasms become so easy.
1:35:40So I would recommend for him
1:35:43offer yoni massages without intercourse
1:35:45on a separate day of the week to begin
1:35:47to activate that tissue.
1:35:49So she's not so reliant on the pathway
1:35:52that works for her, and she begins to
1:35:54understand how beautiful her vulva is to
1:35:57him, how much he loves to give her
1:35:59pleasure, how to relax and stay in
1:36:03sensation.
1:36:04Because women have a lot of time staying
1:36:07in their body and staying in sensation.
1:36:08One of the number one things
1:36:10that a sex therapist will do
1:36:14is teach you
1:36:15how to stay in sensation and feel it.
1:36:20People are disconnected from their
1:36:23sensation.
1:36:24Where does masturbation and pornography
1:36:26fit into all of this? Is that a good
1:36:28thing for a relationship? Is it a good
1:36:29thing to be doing it alone? Is it
1:36:31something that's full of shame? We had a
1:36:33conversation on this podcast recently
1:36:35about pornography and one of the really
1:36:37surprising things that came off the back
1:36:38of it was
1:36:40women messaging me privately
1:36:42saying that we didn't talk about
1:36:46women who have an addiction to
1:36:47pornography.
1:36:48Mhm.
1:36:49Which was quite surprising to me.
1:36:50Yeah, I know.
1:36:51Because it's not it's not in keeping
1:36:52with the stereotype.
1:36:53Right.
1:36:54I hadn't crossed my mind.
1:36:55Yeah.
1:36:55But I wanted to give that a little bit
1:36:57of air time because it's something I
1:36:58didn't talk about last time. Is that
1:36:59something, you know, how how do you
1:37:01think about pornography and
1:37:02masturbation? Is it good, bad,
1:37:03indifferent, shameful?
1:37:06Oh, you're talking to the lady that
1:37:08likes hard connected passionate love
1:37:09making, and most pornography is just
1:37:12friction. I like to transform friction
1:37:15into connection.
1:37:16And so I'm not against pornography. It's
1:37:21just not in my realm of what I like to
1:37:25help people with.
1:37:26Why?
1:37:26Because I want to teach you how to have
1:37:30much better sex than the stuff you're
1:37:32seeing on porn.
1:37:33What's the harm of the stuff we see on
1:37:34porn?
1:37:35I'm not saying that it's harmful. I'm
1:37:36just saying why live someone else's
1:37:39agenda?
1:37:40Why not live your own agenda? Have your
1:37:42own life. Have your own fantasies. Have
1:37:44your own sexuality. Have your own
1:37:46experiences.
1:37:47Have you met a woman addicted to
1:37:48pornography?
1:37:49No, I have not.
1:37:50Have you met a man addicted to
1:37:51pornography?
1:37:52Many.
1:37:54Yeah.
1:37:55And they have to go off it cold turkey
1:37:58and they go through withdrawal and it's
1:38:00freaking hard.
1:38:01So, I I feel badly for people who do get
1:38:04addicted to it.
1:38:05it ruins the real thing?
1:38:07I do.
1:38:08Because I don't even want to watch it.
1:38:10First of all, Time magazine had an
1:38:12article that said that
1:38:15uh they did a There was a study that um
1:38:17randomly sampled something like 340
1:38:20clips of porn.
1:38:22And then they looked at them and they
1:38:24said 96% of them were degrading to women
1:38:27in some way.
1:38:29And that's what we're raising
1:38:31generations to think is sex.
1:38:33What I like to teach is passionate
1:38:37erotic, sensual,
1:38:40heart-connected,
1:38:42ecstatic, orgasmic bliss.
1:38:46What about masturbation without the
1:38:47pornography?
1:38:48Masturbation is fantastic. It helps
1:38:51activate all of the tissue. It helps you
1:38:55uh have pleasure and fantasy. So, my
1:38:59recommendation is
1:39:00fantasy. Although there are some new
1:39:03interesting things that are coming up
1:39:04too. Like, for example, um two of these
1:39:07toys that I want to show you.
1:39:10These are really interesting new
1:39:12technology. One of them heats up.
1:39:16So, it gets warm. There's nothing better
1:39:18than sticking a nice warm thing in your
1:39:21vagina.
1:39:22And I love that. Try this one. I don't
1:39:24know if you tried that one yet. These
1:39:26are from Satisfyer. And this one, check
1:39:29this out, man. This is so interesting.
1:39:33This particular vibrator gets
1:39:37It gets a balloon and it blows up. Look,
1:39:39I'm blowing it up.
1:39:44For anyone that can't see, the end of
1:39:45It's like a normal vibrator, but the end
1:39:47is swelling.
1:39:48Look at that.
1:39:49And then, if you want to let it out, you
1:39:51just press it. Oops.
1:39:54Uh-oh.
1:39:55There it goes. Shoo. And all the air
1:39:57goes out. If you put this inside your
1:39:59vagina, it feels incredible to have that
1:40:02blowing up inside there and filling up
1:40:04all that cavern of space.
1:40:06These now are app-connected, and you can
1:40:09listen to fantasy or music, and the
1:40:13music will take you on an orgasmic
1:40:16journey. The fantasies will read you
1:40:19stories in time with the vibrations and
1:40:22sensations that come from the devices.
1:40:26So, if you want to watch pornography, do
1:40:28it.
1:40:29Uh for me personally, I would rather you
1:40:31have a couple of hot lovers and great
1:40:34fun. And, you know, have A lot of women
1:40:37are like, "Well, I I I don't have a
1:40:39boyfriend." And I'm like, "Well, take a
1:40:40lover."
1:40:42Why do you need someone who checks off
1:40:43all the boxes? Why not just get a hot
1:40:45side piece and have great sex with them?
1:40:48And they're like, "Oh my god, I never
1:40:49thought of that." I'm like, "Girl, stick
1:40:51with me."
1:40:53And I recommend that for anyone. You
1:40:54don't have to wait for the be-all and
1:40:56end-all. You can just have great sex as
1:40:59long as you do STI testing, which is one
1:41:02of the last things I wanted to talk to
1:41:03you about. Oh, it's like I spilled a
1:41:06little oil on this. I'm sorry. This is
1:41:08so interesting because this is Basis DX.
1:41:12Now, I have to say,
1:41:13uh full disclosure in this particular
1:41:15thing I'm on, they're I'm their chief
1:41:17advocacy officer. So,
1:41:20because I work with people who are in
1:41:24poly groups and who go to sex parties
1:41:27and, you know, they're they're I'm
1:41:29encouraging people to have sex, I cannot
1:41:32do it without the caveat that one must
1:41:34do STI testing before they go any
1:41:37further than kissing or hands on a body.
1:41:40So, you can keep a couple of STI kits at
1:41:42home, and then if you meet your hot
1:41:44lover, you can do your STI tests, and
1:41:46then when you get them back, then you
1:41:49know you're safe. Everything's okay. Cuz
1:41:51there's a lot of long-term downstream
1:41:54negative effects from getting STIs. It's
1:41:57not as simple as, "Oh, just take take an
1:41:59antibiotic and you're done."
1:42:01Some of these things last forever, and
1:42:03you can never get rid of them.
1:42:05What is the most important thing that we
1:42:06haven't talked about?
1:42:07And really there I'm asking for the
1:42:09audience. What is the question that
1:42:11they're probably sat home saying,
1:42:12"Steve, you didn't ask that bloody
1:42:13question which I've got a huge issue
1:42:15with here at home in my
1:42:17in my bedroom with my love life, with my
1:42:19partner."
1:42:20Well, we've talked a lot about um how
1:42:23body works
1:42:25and slowing down. We've talked a lot
1:42:26about
1:42:28creating your own experiences, that sex
1:42:30is um
1:42:32a lifetime journey of pleasure and
1:42:35learning. That
1:42:37ignorance creates fear, so learning
1:42:41solves that problem. And the best way to
1:42:43learn is to try new things. We've talked
1:42:46about so many different things that you
1:42:49can try. We've talked about the fact
1:42:51that if you have no path to orgasm, you
1:42:53can get one. Then you can get two. Then
1:42:55you can get three. By the way, all
1:42:57bodies can have over 20 kinds of
1:42:58orgasms. You can have as many orgasms as
1:43:01I can.
1:43:02We have the same parts. They're just in
1:43:04any and outy.
1:43:06So, men think they have one ejaculatory
1:43:09orgasm and they're done, or maybe a
1:43:10short refractory period. But no, you
1:43:13have so many kinds of orgasms waiting to
1:43:15come out. They're all in there
1:43:17waiting for you to let them
1:43:19exist in your life.
1:43:21So, we've talked about
1:43:22know when to to leave?
1:43:24How do you know when to walk away?
1:43:27There are so many good sex therapists
1:43:30out there now
1:43:32that
1:43:33you have to try that first before you
1:43:35leave. If you can afford to seek therapy
1:43:38and you have a mismatch in your style,
1:43:42desire, libido, whatever it might be.
1:43:45There's There's been trauma. There's,
1:43:48you know, whatever it might be.
1:43:50Um
1:43:51What if they don't want to see one? What
1:43:52if you propose the idea and they say,
1:43:53"No, I'm not going to therapy." Cuz
1:43:55talking about the bedroom to a total
1:43:58stranger
1:43:59Yeah.
1:43:59is not the easiest of things to do. I
1:44:01think I would say, especially for a man.
1:44:04I'm not saying just just for men.
1:44:05Therapists are good at that though. They
1:44:06know what they're doing. They can help
1:44:08you with that. They can open you to
1:44:10the discussions.
1:44:11Well, I went to a see a therapist with
1:44:13my partner and we talked about a lot big
1:44:15range of things and we still go to
1:44:16couples therapy all the time. Um it's
1:44:18more of a like a preventative measure,
1:44:20but it's just nice to have a dedicated
1:44:22space and even in there, especially the
1:44:24first couple of times that I went, I was
1:44:25like, I hate this. I was like
1:44:28it was embarrass- it was like
1:44:29embarrassing. I didn't want to say
1:44:31anything. I was hoping she wasn't going
1:44:32to say anything.
1:44:36Cuz you feel like the stranger's judging
1:44:37you, but also
1:44:39you know
1:44:42Yeah, it's it's not But the reason why
1:44:46it's a good thing is because
1:44:49you
1:44:50in your relationship knowing that
1:44:51there's a space
1:44:52where you're going to get to be honest
1:44:54with each other
1:44:54Yeah.
1:44:55and you're going to get to vocalize it
1:44:56makes the other
1:44:576.9
1:44:59days, the other like the rest of the
1:45:01week much more enjoyable because you
1:45:04know where the space is for these
1:45:05things. You know when we're going to sit
1:45:06down and have this sort of dedicated
1:45:07conversation. So it makes it makes the
1:45:10rest of the relationship better. And
1:45:11also, like I think men have a bias where
1:45:13we don't we're not typically the ones to
1:45:15initiate these kinds of things.
1:45:17Um sometimes we might seem like
1:45:18resentful or reserved, but over time,
1:45:21even though my partner initiates these
1:45:22kind of conversations about unmet needs
1:45:24and sex life and all these kinds of
1:45:26things.
1:45:26Yeah.
1:45:27Over time and in hindsight thank god she
1:45:30did.
1:45:30Yeah.
1:45:31Because she
1:45:34I think women are sometimes better at
1:45:35like ringing the alarm.
1:45:37Well, we're generally more articulate.
1:45:39So, men, you know, they how they say,
1:45:40"I'm a man of few words." Yeah, men are
1:45:43men are like that. Partially, it's
1:45:45nature and partially, it's nurture. And
1:45:47so, guys don't feel like they can they
1:45:50feel like it's not a level playing field
1:45:52when they have to have a conversation
1:45:53about things with their female partner.
1:45:56They feel like she's going to be able to
1:45:57talk circles around him. So, it is
1:45:59dangerous to navigate, which is why it's
1:46:01nice to have a therapist to help you
1:46:03navigate navigate really difficult
1:46:05issues.
1:46:06And you know that old phrase, "Happy
1:46:07wife, happy life."
1:46:08Yeah.
1:46:09It's a cliche. It's a stereotype,
1:46:10whatever, but there is a hint of truth
1:46:13in where that stereotype comes from. And
1:46:15I think it originates from this idea
1:46:17that
1:46:18men are quite simple in what they
1:46:21express that their needs are.
1:46:22Yeah.
1:46:23And women are more articulate, are more
1:46:26complex, they're more like
1:46:28aware of unmet needs.
1:46:30Yes.
1:46:31So, they vocalize them more often,
1:46:33typically, not always. Um which means
1:46:36that there's this dynamic formed which
1:46:37the man sometimes thinks his job is just
1:46:39to keep her happy. And if I keep her
1:46:40happy, then we're happy.
1:46:41Yeah.
1:46:42But in hindsight
1:46:44I've come to learn that it's a really
1:46:46good thing that she does sound the
1:46:47alarm. It's a really good thing that she
1:46:48is sensitive to unmet needs because
1:46:51unmet needs for her are probably unmet
1:46:52needs for me. I just can't see them yet.
1:46:55Yeah.
1:46:55I'm just unaware of it. So, I'm just
1:46:57saying that to men who
1:46:59who might feel the same way that I've
1:47:00often felt where you're like, "Oh my
1:47:02god, another problem." or whatever. And
1:47:04um
1:47:05yeah, I've just come to be so grateful
1:47:06for the fact that my partner is like
1:47:08very aware of these things.
1:47:09Good early warning system.
1:47:09very good cuz I would never. I'm so like
1:47:11busy and like
1:47:13if she's smiling, I'm fine.
1:47:14Yeah.
1:47:14But and you know this, you come to learn
1:47:16this because the things that when she
1:47:18sounds the alarm, the things that it
1:47:20ends up solving make the relationship
1:47:22better, makes me happier, and that's
1:47:24that's the goal at the end of the day.
1:47:25So,
1:47:26yeah.
1:47:27So, reviewing everything we've talked
1:47:29about, the other thing we talked about
1:47:30was making her small offers, filling her
1:47:32up with orgasms, giving her Yoni
1:47:34massages, slowing down.
1:47:36Mhm.
1:47:37Those are very important, holding her.
1:47:39It makes you feel as good to hold your
1:47:41woman as it does for her to be held.
1:47:43Mhm.
1:47:44That That's a very symbiotic thing. Not
1:47:47thinking that sex is just intercourse.
1:47:49Right? Learning more skills,
1:47:52having more experiences together, doing
1:47:54your sex life bucket list, and keeping
1:47:57your body in good shape.
1:48:00Right? So, making sure you're getting
1:48:02your exercise and your sleep and all
1:48:04those things so you can go the distance
1:48:05and that sex keeps getting better your
1:48:07whole life long. So, I think we've
1:48:09covered a lot of terrain.
1:48:12Well, we have a closing tradition on
1:48:13this podcast where the last guest leaves
1:48:14a question for the next guest not
1:48:15knowing who they're leaving it for, and
1:48:16the question that I left for you
1:48:18Mhm.
1:48:19if you could go back and tell your
1:48:2020-year-old self something,
1:48:22Mhm.
1:48:22something that would have made you
1:48:23happier,
1:48:25healthier, more successful,
1:48:27if you'd heard it, if it was whispered
1:48:28into your ear at 20 years old, what
1:48:30would you tell your 20-year-old self?
1:48:32Mhm.
1:48:34Play full out.
1:48:37Never compromise all of your gifts and
1:48:40your talents. Never play small.
1:48:44It is not your job to make other people
1:48:46feel comfortable. Of course, you can
1:48:48bring your heart to everyone,
1:48:51but it is your job to live the best,
1:48:53most amazing life that you possibly can.
1:48:57I have a question for you.
1:48:59What's that?
1:49:00What are you going to do differently now
1:49:02that I've had this conversation with
1:49:03you?
1:49:04It's quite
1:49:04What shifted for you?
1:49:06It's quite a few things. I mean, so
1:49:08the first is I have this new this new
1:49:11set of toys that I'm going to be
1:49:13bringing home,
1:49:14Mhm.
1:49:14which is interesting. I learned actually
1:49:16a lot about the limbic system, which we
1:49:18didn't actually talk about today, from
1:49:19reading through your work and the the
1:49:20implications that I have for our
1:49:21relationship and our feeling of
1:49:22connection. I learned a lot about tantra
1:49:24from um reading through your work as
1:49:26well, which again we didn't talk about
1:49:27today.
1:49:28Um I think
1:49:31for my audience, one of the things that
1:49:33I think is really critical
1:49:35um is to remove pressure.
1:49:36Mhm.
1:49:37Um which is I remember a phase of my
1:49:39life where
1:49:40it
1:49:42sex had become like the elephant in the
1:49:44room.
1:49:45The or sorry, the lack of sex had become
1:49:46the elephant in the room and the
1:49:48pressure to fix it made it worse.
1:49:51So, your approach to that is to
1:49:54schedule these like play dates.
1:49:56Yeah. Not try to get sex.
1:49:58Where there's no like penetrative in in
1:50:00intercourse guaranteed on the menu.
1:50:02Yeah.
1:50:03And just just to start from the
1:50:05foundations of being connected. And then
1:50:07um
1:50:08the other thing of course is just the
1:50:09importance of novelty in sex, which is
1:50:10something that you know, I'm 5 6 years
1:50:12into my relationship now, so
1:50:14It's done.
1:50:14something I think about a lot. I think
1:50:15about keeping it fresh and
1:50:17Yeah.
1:50:17and stuff like that. And I talk to my
1:50:19friends a lot about this a lot. I call
1:50:20it desire management, which is how you
1:50:22manage desire so it doesn't fade out.
1:50:24Kind of like a
1:50:25Mhm.
1:50:26a flame that needs the right amount of
1:50:28oxygen. Too much oxygen and it's going
1:50:29to blow out, but just like the right
1:50:30amount of oxygen. When I say too much
1:50:33oxygen, I mean what's what's that in the
1:50:35analogy? That'd be like
1:50:37I guess it would be too much distance.
1:50:40Like
1:50:41and a lack of safety.
1:50:42Mhm.
1:50:43Whereas
1:50:45just the right amount of oxygen is like
1:50:46the right amount of safety and right
1:50:48amount of novelty. The way I look at it
1:50:50is like if you took a candle and you put
1:50:52one of these like
1:50:54things over it, it would go out. And
1:50:55that's okay. That in that analogy, what
1:50:58you've done there is there's no novelty,
1:51:00there's routine. You're there all the
1:51:01time. They see you when they wake up.
1:51:03You're just you never leave the house.
1:51:05You're attached to each other.
1:51:06And then there's like a little little
1:51:08bit of oxygen in, but not too much that
1:51:10it's going to blow out, which is, you
1:51:12know, keep yourself
1:51:14high desire, maybe go, you know, go on
1:51:17work trips every once in a while, be
1:51:18away from each other, miss each other.
1:51:20Mhm.
1:51:21Go to new places,
1:51:23wear new things, bring out new toys.
1:51:25Yeah.
1:51:26You know, so it's I think about that a
1:51:27lot.
1:51:28a simple um equation. I learned that
1:51:31from Dossie Easton. She wrote The
1:51:34Ethical and she was the one that
1:51:35taught me um
1:51:38safety and variety
1:51:41equals desire.
1:51:42Interesting.
1:51:43Yeah.
1:51:43I've come to I've come to come to learn
1:51:45that mainly from watching my friends.
1:51:46All my friends have taken all these
1:51:47different approaches. My one friend, he
1:51:49knows who he is, he listens to this
1:51:50noise, he sends me the clips. He like
1:51:51stifles a lot of the women that he ends
1:51:54up with.
1:51:54Yeah. Insecurity.
1:51:55He will move in
1:51:57Honestly, in two situations, he moved in
1:51:59with them on either the first or the
1:52:01second day.
1:52:01Mhm.
1:52:02Was it
1:52:02Oh, wow.
1:52:03the second day twice, and they became
1:52:05his girlfriends that lasted about a
1:52:06month. One of them lasted about 2 years.
1:52:08But just the fact that he's moving in on
1:52:09the second day was like problematic. In
1:52:12both situations, one of them was COVID,
1:52:14the other one was
1:52:15she just lived in a far away land, so
1:52:17she had to fly over, and then where she
1:52:19going to live? She she lived with him.
1:52:20And then I've seen my other friends play
1:52:21it in other ways. I've seen the long
1:52:23distance and how that can fade out if if
1:52:25it's too far away.
1:52:26hard.
1:52:27And I've always thought there's a sweet
1:52:28spot somewhere in the middle there.
1:52:29Definitely.
1:52:29But again, this is subjective. It's
1:52:31probably different for me as it is for
1:52:32you and Tim.
1:52:34Thank you.
1:52:35All right. Thank you.
1:52:36the work you're doing is helping a huge
1:52:38huge amount of people to demystify these
1:52:40subjects, which are so stigmatized and
1:52:43seem to be so elusive and mysterious in
1:52:44so many people's lives. The reason why I
1:52:46have these conversations on the podcast
1:52:48and invite people like you on is because
1:52:49I'm trying to say the like quiet part
1:52:51out loud.
1:52:51Yeah.
1:52:52This is going to be the Diary of a CEO,
1:52:53and what would be in your diary? It
1:52:54wouldn't just It wouldn't be P&Ls and
1:52:56spreadsheets. It would be worries about
1:52:58erectile dysfunction. It would be I'm
1:53:00not having sex with my partner. It would
1:53:02be how do I improve my sex life? What
1:53:03the do I do with nipples? Like Kim
1:53:05said. It would be these kinds of things.
1:53:06And that's what you're do in your work
1:53:07and you do it better than anybody. And
1:53:09it's um honestly you're doing something
1:53:11really amazing for other people. A lot
1:53:12of people you'll never even get to see.
1:53:13So on behalf of all of them and me,
1:53:15thank you for what you do.
1:53:16Thank you so much for giving me the
1:53:18light so that I could help people. I
1:53:21appreciate that.
1:53:26I'm going to let you in to a little bit
1:53:27of a secret. And you're probably going
1:53:29to think that I'm a little bit weird for
1:53:30saying this, but our team are our team
1:53:33because we absolutely obsess about the
1:53:35smallest things. Even with this podcast,
1:53:37when we're recording this podcast, we
1:53:38measure the CO2 levels in the studio
1:53:40because if it gets above 1,000 parts per
1:53:42million, cognitive performance dips.
1:53:44This is the type of 1% improvement we
1:53:46make on our show and that is why the
1:53:48show is the way it is. By understanding
1:53:50the power of compounding 1%s, you can
1:53:53absolutely change your outcomes in your
1:53:55life. It isn't about drastic
1:53:57transformations or quick wins. It's
1:53:59about the small, consistent actions that
1:54:02have a lasting change in your outcomes.
1:54:04So 2 years ago, we started the process
1:54:06of creating this beautiful diary and
1:54:08it's truly beautiful. Inside there's
1:54:10lots of pictures, lots of inspiration
1:54:12and motivation as well, some interactive
1:54:14elements. And the purpose of this diary
1:54:16is to help you identify, stay focused
1:54:19on, develop consistency with the 1%s
1:54:22that will ultimately change your life.
1:54:24We're only going to do a limited run of
1:54:25these diaries. So if you want one for
1:54:26yourself or for a friend or for a
1:54:28colleague or for your team, then head to
1:54:29the diary.com right now. I'll link it
1:54:32below.

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