on letting go (the art of detachment) — Transcript

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1. 0:00Everything is a win when the goal is to
2. 0:02experience.
3. 0:04Two weeks ago, I traveled to Thailand
4. 0:06for the first time. [music] And the one
5. 0:07thing that I kept thinking about was
6. 0:09this idea of detachment and trying to
7. 0:10experience life for what it is. Will
8. 0:122026 be the year where I learned how to
9. 0:13let go? Probably not, but we're trying.
10. 0:19I saw this quote the other day, the art
11. 0:21of detachment. Nothing belongs to me.
12. 0:23It's all an experience. I think I spent
13. 0:25my life trying to do the exact opposite.
14. 0:27trying to control my experiences, trying
15. 0:29to shape them into exactly what I wanted
16. 0:31or what I pictured in my head. I think
17. 0:33this manifests the most in
18. 0:34relationships, platonic and romantic. I
19. 0:36have this picture, this ideal of what I
20. 0:38want the relationship to look like. And
21. 0:39if it's not that, if the person doesn't
22. 0:41say the right thing or do what I
23. 0:42expected, then everything crumbles. I'm
24. 0:44constantly measuring. Was this worth it?
25. 0:46Did I do it right? Am I having the
26. 0:47experience I'm supposed to be [music]
27. 0:49having? And all that measuring creates
28. 0:50distance. It puts me in observer mode
29. 0:52instead of participant mode. I'm someone
30. 0:54who wants control, stability, certainty.
31. 0:56I think I've struggled with anxious
32. 0:57attachment my entire life. A big part of
33. 0:59why travel appeals to me is this promise
34. 1:01of escape from that. More experience,
35. 1:02more perspective, more versions of the
36. 1:04world than the one that I'm in. It is
37. 1:06day one in Bangkok. Today, we have the
38. 1:07day alone, so we're going to do some
39. 1:09shopping. I just got some breakfast.
40. 1:10We're starting the day a little bit
41. 1:11late. It's already like 200 p.m. You go
42. 1:13somewhere and suddenly you're confronted
43. 1:14with how people eat differently, pray
44. 1:16differently, [music] value different
45. 1:17things. I feel like out of all the other
46. 1:18Asian countries I've been to, Thailand
47. 1:20is for sure the most touristy. There's
48. 1:22so many like foreigners here, but it is
49. 1:25super super warm out. I'm super excited.
50. 1:26The reason we're going shopping today is
51. 1:28I booked this Thailand trip so last
52. 1:30minute. I had my friend bring me one
53. 1:32packing cube worth of clothes. I just
54. 1:34have that to survive for the rest of
55. 1:35Asia. So, we are hopefully going to
56. 1:38explore some local Thai brands and just
57. 1:40get some more clothes. But there's
58. 1:42something else happening with travel,
59. 1:43too. [music]
60. 1:44Something about the not knowing. When
61. 1:45you travel, you can't fully control how
62. 1:47it's going to go. [music] You can
63. 1:48research and make itineraries and book
64. 1:50the highly rated restaurants and search
65. 1:51all the best wrecks on TikTok, but you
66. 1:53don't [music] actually know what it's
67. 1:54going to feel like until you're there.
68. 1:55You don't know if you'll love it or hate
69. 1:57it or feel nothing at all. You don't
70. 1:58know if you'll just be bored, if you'll
71. 1:59have the greatest time of your life. You
72. 2:01have to surrender to it. [music] You
73. 2:02have to let the trip be what it is.
74. 2:04Okay, I'm at the first store right now.
75. 2:06It's I'm not a morning person and it's
76. 2:08so cute. I think I literally want to buy
77. 2:09every single thing in the store. I love
78. 2:11just the color. I feel like this year I
79. 2:12want to wear more color in my outfits
80. 2:15because usually I'm just literally
81. 2:16wearing like [music] white or black. I'm
82. 2:18in love with this skirt, guys. I love
83. 2:20just like the knit. Outfit number two.
84. 2:21Do you see what I mean by the color?
85. 2:23Like this just makes me so [music]
86. 2:24excited. I've been wanting to try like
87. 2:26bloomers for a really long time. These
88. 2:28are like little white capries and I feel
89. 2:30like it is so cute. Like everything
90. 2:32here. Like look at the little detail on
91. 2:34the leg. It's [music] so frilly. I'm
92. 2:35genuinely about to buy the whole store.
93. 2:37So I actually don't have that many clips
94. 2:38from Thailand because I tried to just
95. 2:40experience it. There are all these
96. 2:41videos online about detachment, about
97. 2:43how it transforms your life, about how
98. 2:45letting go is the secret to
99. 2:46manifestation, about how not caring is
100. 2:49the most powerful thing you can do. But
101. 2:50I don't think detachment is not caring.
102. 2:52Detachment isn't indifference. It's not
103. 2:54becoming cold or numb or convincing
104. 2:56yourself that nothing matters. It's
105. 2:58something a bit more subtle than that.
106. 3:00When you're attached to how things are
107. 3:01supposed to go, you're not actually
108. 3:02experiencing what's happening. You're
109. 3:03experiencing the gap between your
110. 3:05expectation and reality. You're
111. 3:06experiencing disappointment or relief or
112. 3:08validation, but not the actual thing
113. 3:10itself. I think there's something
114. 3:11[music] else here, too. We live in a
115. 3:13culture that's obsessed with good
116. 3:14moments, optimizing every moment, making
117. 3:16everything Instagram worthy, good vibes
118. 3:18only. We're constantly trying to
119. 3:19engineer positive outcomes and avoid
120. 3:21anything uncomfortable or disappointing.
121. 3:22But here's what I'm realizing. The
122. 3:23negative experiences are just as
123. 3:25important as the good ones. I think
124. 3:26we've been sold this idea that a good
125. 3:28life is made up of good experiences.
126. 3:29[music]
127. 3:30That if you just optimize enough, plan
128. 3:31enough, manifest enough, you can avoid
129. 3:33all the bad stuff. But that's just not
130. 3:35how it works. A full life isn't made of
131. 3:37just highlights. It's [music] made of
132. 3:38boredom and discomfort and confusion and
133. 3:41disappointment and joy and connection
134. 3:42[music] and mundane Tuesday afternoons
135. 3:44where nothing happens. You can't
136. 3:46cherrypick which parts of being alive
137. 3:47you want to experience. [music] It's all
138. 3:49or nothing. And maybe the art of
139. 3:50detachment is about saying yes to all of
140. 3:52it. Not because you love all of it, but
141. 3:53because resisting the bad experiences
142. 3:55[music] is what actually keeps you from
143. 3:56being present for any of them. The
144. 3:58mundane experiences, the uncomfortable
145. 3:59ones, the ones where nothing happens.
146. 4:01Those teach [music] you just as much
147. 4:02about being human as the peak moments
148. 4:04do, maybe even more. But here's a
149. 4:06paradox I'm also sitting with. Agency
150. 4:08versus detachment. In my last video, I
151. 4:10talked about agency, a feeling in
152. 4:11control of your life. Because when you
153. 4:13realize you can just do things, the
154. 4:14possibilities are endless. I want agency
155. 4:16over my life. I want to build
156. 4:17intentional choices, make meaningful
157. 4:19decisions, build something real and not
158. 4:20just drift passively. There's this quote
159. 4:22by Evie White. I rise in the morning
160. 4:24torn between a desire to improve the
161. 4:25world and desire to enjoy the world.
162. 4:28This makes it hard to plan the day. And
163. 4:30that's exactly where I am. Part of me
164. 4:32wants to become to build, to improve, to
165. 4:34work towards something, to have agency,
166. 4:36to shape my life intentionally. [music]
167. 4:38But another part of me just wants to be,
168. 4:40to experience, to savor, to stop
169. 4:42measuring everything, to detach, to let
170. 4:45life happen. I want to make intentional
171. 4:47choices, build something [music]
172. 4:48meaningful, not just drift passively
173. 4:50through my 20s. But I also just need to
174. 4:52let go, [music]
175. 4:53to stop trying to engineer every
176. 4:54outcome, to be okay with not knowing.
177. 4:56And for the longest time, I felt like
178. 4:58these two things were at war with each
179. 4:59other. But I think I've been framing
180. 5:01this all wrong. Agency isn't about
181. 5:03controlling outcomes. It's about
182. 5:04controlling your actions. You have
183. 5:06complete agency over what you do, where
184. 5:08you go, what you create, [music] who you
185. 5:09reach out to, what risks you take. Those
186. 5:11are yours. That's where your power
187. 5:13lives. But detachment is about releasing
188. 5:15your grip on what happens [music] after.
189. 5:17You can decide to go to Thailand. That's
190. 5:18agency. But you can't decide how
191. 5:20Thailand will make you feel or who
192. 5:21you'll meet or what moments will be
193. 5:23meaningful or whether it'll be worth it.
194. 5:24That's where detachment comes in.
195. 5:26[music] You can choose to start a
196. 5:27YouTube channel. That's agency. But you
197. 5:28can't control whether a video goes viral
198. 5:30or whether people understand what you're
199. 5:31trying to say or whether it becomes what
200. 5:33you hoped. That's detachment. You can
201. 5:35choose to be vulnerable with someone.
202. 5:36That's agency. But you can't control how
203. 5:38they respond or [music] whether they'll
204. 5:39stay or whether it'll work out. So,
205. 5:41here's what I'm realizing. Detachment
206. 5:43doesn't kill agency. It actually
207. 5:44protects it. When you're too attached
208. 5:45[music] to outcomes, you become
209. 5:46paralyzed. You don't take action because
210. 5:48you're terrified it won't work out the
211. 5:50way you want. You don't start the
212. 5:51project because what if it fails? You
213. 5:53don't put yourself out there because
214. 5:54[music] what if people reject you? Your
215. 5:55agency gets strangled by your attachment
216. 5:57to specific results. But when you can
217. 5:59detach from the outcome, when you can
218. 6:01say, "I'm going to do this thing, and I
219. 6:02have no idea how it'll turn out, but I'm
220. 6:04doing it anyway." Suddenly, you're free
221. 6:06to act. You can make intentional choices
222. 6:08[music] without needing them to work out
223. 6:09perfectly. You can build something
224. 6:10meaningful without needing it to look a
225. 6:12certain way. You can take risks without
226. 6:13needing guaranteed returns. This is what
227. 6:15I'm trying to practice. [music] Not
228. 6:17drifting passively. I'm still making
229. 6:18plans, setting goals, choosing what I
230. 6:20want to create and who I want to be. But
231. 6:21I'm trying to hold those plans more
232. 6:23loosely to take action without needing
233. 6:24to control the aftermath. [music]
234. 6:26to commit to the doing without being
235. 6:27attached to the outcome. And honestly,
236. 6:30it's kind of hard. It's kind of
237. 6:31uncomfortable because [music] I want to
238. 6:33know exactly how things will turn out. I
239. 6:35want to see the ending before I commit
240. 6:36to the beginning. [music] I want
241. 6:38certainty. But unfortunately, that's
242. 6:40just not how life works. You don't get
243. 6:41to see the other side of the cliff
244. 6:42[music] before you jump. Agency is
245. 6:44jumping. Detachment is not needing to
246. 6:46know where you'll land. And I feel like
247. 6:48that is so counterintuitive, but I think
248. 6:49that's genuinely just like the secret to
249. 6:51living a good life. [music] So, yeah, I
250. 6:53went to Thailand. I chose to go. That
251. 6:54was my agency. But I couldn't choose
252. 6:56what it would mean, how it would change
253. 6:57me, whether it was worth it, whether I
254. 6:58would be completely transformed by my
255. 7:00Thailand trip. That's the practice.
256. 7:02Taking action, letting go of the result,
257. 7:04and taking action again. [music] Agency
258. 7:05and detachment aren't opposites. They're
259. 7:07partners. You need both to actually
260. 7:09live. Everything is a win when the goal
261. 7:10is to experience. Not because every
262. 7:12experience is good, but because
263. 7:14experience itself is what builds a life
264. 7:16worth living.