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Nish Kumar | Nish, Don't Kill My Vibe (Full Comedy Special) — Transcript

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0:03[cheering] Good evening, Hackey.
0:07[applause] How you doing? Nice to see
0:10you all. Great to be here. [cheering]
0:13[applause]
0:13What an absolute pleasure to be in the
0:17glorious Hackne Empire. I'm so happy to
0:20be back in London, my home city. I've
0:22been away a lot. I was touring in
0:24America and I got out, which is not a
0:27given in the current climate.
0:30>> [cheering]
0:30>> After I got back, [applause]
0:33after I got back, people kept saying,
0:35"So, how's it going in America? HOW DO
0:37YOU [ __ ] THINK IT'S GOING?" NOT GOOD.
0:41NOTHING WORKS ANYMORE BECAUSE THEY FIRED
0:43ALL THE people that know how to make a
0:45country work and replaced them with one
0:47single pimple-faced 23-year-old piece of
0:49[ __ ] in the name of governmental
0:51efficiency whose only qualification is
0:53that in 2016 he tweeted a racial slur
0:56and Michelle Obama from a Twitter
0:58account named @pussy smasher69
1:01and he's there under the direct orders
1:03of their president who in many ways is
1:05the modern Reagan in that he is a
1:07celebrity homophobe visibly adultled by
1:09dementia and his far right-hand man,
1:12Elon Musk, a man whose sole goal IS HE
1:15WAKES UP EVERY DAY AND THINKS, "How is
1:16it possible for me to be one day named
1:18history's worst white South African?"
1:21And
1:23he could do it, man. ELON COULD DO IT. I
1:26BELIEVE in him. [applause]
1:29Now, look, we will come to the American
1:30election a non. But let us just start by
1:33reminding everybody that we had an
1:35election in our country. Yeah, that's
1:38right. on the 4th of July last year, a
1:40different kind of independence day. But
1:42it was a sad day for me and my community
1:44cuz we lost a good brother that day,
1:48Richishy Sunnak.
1:51A brother downed in the midst of his
1:53professional prime. And it brought to an
1:55end a two-year period when me and my
1:57community were represented at the
1:59highest level of politics in this
2:01country. Cuz Richishi Sunnak represented
2:03me and he represented my community.
2:05Because Richie Zunak is British, he's
2:07Indian and he's a [ __ ] And this was
2:10huge.
2:12[applause]
2:12THIS WAS HUGE FOR MY COMMUNITY. THE
2:15British Indian [ __ ] the BIC. I NEVER
2:19SAID WHICH COMMUNITY. THIS WAS HUGE FOR
2:20THE BIC. WHEN I WAS GROWING UP as a
2:23young PO person OF [ __ ] I ASSUMED that
2:27if someone of my ethnicity became prime
2:29minister, they'd be some nice guy. NO
2:30[ __ ] HEDGE FUND GUY. They may as well
2:32have got an axe murderer on the ethical
2:34scale. And if you're thinking, NISH,
2:35WERE YOU A [ __ ] OH, I WAS A [ __ ] WHEN
2:38I WAS AT SCHOOL, I WAS the president of
2:39my school's debating society, which I
2:42founded. Oh, what a [ __ ]
2:45And now I know HOW ALL THE WHITE [ __ ]
2:47HAVE FELT IN THIS country all of these
2:49years looking at the prime minister cuz
2:51it's been an unbroken streak of white
2:53[ __ ] after white [ __ ] after white [ __ ]
2:55brackets female. And now I know
2:59how good it FEELS TO SEE YOURSELF
3:01REFLECTED BACK IN YOUR political
3:02leadership. Cuz when I looked to Brishy
3:04Sunnak, I saw myself. Cuz when I looked
3:07to Brishy Sunnak, I saw an
3:08undertalented, overpromoted British
3:11Indian man struggle and eventually fail
3:14to connect with the majority of the
3:16people in his country. And I thought
3:19representation matters.
3:22[applause]
3:25Oh, it matters [cheering] so much.
3:28Rough couple of years for the South
3:29Asians in this country. Let me tell you,
3:32we have been the face of SOME OF THE
3:33STUPIDEST politics in this country's
3:35history. And while it was happening,
3:36we've been told regardless of your
3:38politics, the South Asian community must
3:40be pleased with the representation. And
3:42now it's happening to my cousins in
3:44America because of right-wing Indian
3:46Republicans like Cash Patel and Vivec
3:48Ramaswami. Regardless of your politics,
3:50you must be pleased with the political
3:51representation. Firstly, you can't say
3:54regardless of your politics when the
3:55people you're talking about ARE [ __ ]
3:57POLITICIANS. SECONDLY, stop telling
4:00people from marginalized communities
4:02that we should be proud when individuals
4:03from our communities get into positions
4:05of political power by promising to enact
4:07policies that discriminate against our
4:09own and other marginalized communities.
4:12It's [cheering] stupid [ __ ] [ __ ]
4:13man. [applause]
4:16Listen, I love the South Asian community
4:19and I want us to succeed all over the
4:21world, but not at the expense of other
4:23marginalized people. I want us to
4:25succeed at the expense of white people.
4:27one. I think I've actually been
4:29incredibly clear about that from minute
4:31one. Relax honks. I'm just [ __ ] with
4:34you. The original title of the show was
4:36[ __ ] with the honks before the suits
4:38at head office crackdown. And yet
4:40another example of cancel culture run a
4:42muk. And what these right-wing South
4:44Asians in America are about to discover
4:46IS WHAT THE RIGHT-WING SOUTH ASIANS in
4:48Britain discovered. That to their white
4:50bosses, they are eminently replaceable
4:52and fundamentally interchangeable. IF
4:55YOU THINK DONALD TRUMP can tell the
4:56difference between Cash Patel, Vivec
4:58Ramaswami or any Mexican, then you
5:01[laughter] are [ __ ] high on crystal
5:04meth. The white racist in this country
5:06can't tell the difference between me and
5:08my friend and comedic colleague Romesh
5:09Ranganathan and he is Sri Lankan and
5:11wears glasses.
5:14[applause]
5:16And listen, you can't make sweeping
5:18statements like the South Asian
5:20community must feel any one thing about
5:22anything. Indians, Pakistanis,
5:24Bangladeshies, Sri Lankans. That's too
5:26many different countries and cultures.
5:27Even if you mean Indians, do you mean
5:29Hindus? Do you mean Muslims? It's too
5:30many different cultures. There is only
5:32one crass sweeping generalization you
5:34can make about a large section of the
5:35South Asian community, and that is this.
5:38Every South Asian woman over the age of
5:4060 loves Princess Diana. They all
5:44[ __ ] love Princess Diana. And they
5:46I'm right, aren't I? Brown woman, I
5:48always HAVE VISIBLE BROWNS. GET THAT
5:51VISIBLE BROWN WOMAN ON THE CAMERA RIGHT
5:53NOW. I always have VBS, visible browns,
5:57to verify my remarks about the
5:59community. They [ __ ] love Princess
6:02Diana, right? And they all think the
6:04royal family killed her. And they think
6:06about it so MUCH THAT IF YOU JUST RAN UP
6:08TO MY MOM IN THE STREET and just said,
6:10"They killed her." She'd say, "Yeah, I
6:11think it was Phillip." THAT IS the
6:15extent to which it obsesses them. And
6:18who do you think they hate most that's
6:19still left in the royal family?
6:22>> Camila. Camila. Or as my mother calls
6:25her, that woman. [cheering]
6:27That is how my mother refers to the
6:29reigning queen of England by the phrase
6:31that woman. And at one point during the
6:33interminable coronation process, they
6:35were going to give that woman the queen
6:37mother's old crown. Now, this is a
6:39controversial object because it contains
6:40within it the largest remaining piece of
6:42the Coenor diamond. This is a diamond
6:44British troops stole from India, smashed
6:46and placed the largest remaining piece
6:47of in the queen mother's OLD CROWN. NOW
6:50THAT WHOLE STORY was a surprise to me as
6:52someone who studied British history in
6:54the British education system cuz as far
6:57as I learned, all we did in India was
6:58just be cool legends and [laughter]
7:02all we came back with was some great
7:03memories and the word veranda. BUT NO,
7:07it turns out there were some proper bad
7:10apples on the rod. So they decided to
7:13not use that crown because it's
7:14genuinely a diplomatic incident in
7:16prospect. And they stood it down and got
7:18a different crown from the crown shed. I
7:20don't know where these people keep their
7:22[ __ ] crowns. I don't care to know it
7:24either. Right. But when they stood that
7:25crown down, my mother phoned me and
7:27said, "It's a good thing they're not
7:28giving that crown to that woman." And I
7:32said, "First of all, hello Beina. How
7:34are you?" And she said, "If they'd have
7:36given that crown to that woman, I'D HAVE
7:39GONE DOWN THERE." GONE [screaming] DOWN
7:41THERE.
7:43AND RIPPED OUT THE JEWEL MYSELF. Now
7:46listen,
7:47none of us in this room, least of all
7:49me, wants to see my mother assassinated
7:51by the Secret Service. But I think we
7:54could all also agree if she had gone
7:56down there, it would have lied up the
7:58most boring day of television in the
8:00history of this country that we somehow
8:03managed to inflict on the entire [ __ ]
8:05world. Boy, we really evened the score
8:06for giving everyone flea bag with that
8:08[ __ ] [ __ ] man. But imagine how much
8:11more fun it would have been if in the
8:13middle of the ceremony one of the
8:14correspondents would have had to say
8:15something like this. And now in a
8:17tradition that dates back to oh
8:21there seems to be a South Asian woman
8:23over the age of 60 running towards
8:26Camila Parker Bowl screaming give me
8:28back my jewels. This should have been
8:30Diana's you [ __ ]
8:34[applause]
8:35Why do we still have a royal family
8:37guys? How the [ __ ] has that slipped
8:39through the goddamn modernization
8:40[cheering] net? Jesus [ __ ] [applause]
8:42Christ. How is it possible? It's 2025.
8:47That's too high a number. You can't have
8:49electric cars and a king. That's so
8:51[ __ ] weird.
8:54Full disclosure, I got the old lady.
8:56Okay, I got the old lady. Or to give her
8:58her full title, her majesty, the old
9:01lady. I got the old lady. She connected
9:04people to the war. She meant something
9:05to people all over the world. But I
9:08assumed, and I don't think I'm the only
9:09one, that when the old lady kicked the
9:10[ __ ] diamond encrusted bucket, we'd
9:12be done with the entire [ __ ] lot of
9:14them. I just assumed our country was
9:16like one of those families where
9:17everyone's waiting for the grandparents
9:18to die so they can all be gay.
9:21[laughter] That's what I thought was
9:23happening. Just waiting for a generation
9:25to respectfully pass away so you can
9:27live normal lives and kiss whoever the
9:29[ __ ] you want to kiss, man. And we
9:31should talk more about why they're in
9:33that position. They are in that position
9:35because of something we believe in
9:37called the divine right of kings. We
9:40believe that they are there because God
9:41put them in that position and we should
9:44say that more often cuz we'd realize how
9:46[ __ ] stupid the entire thing is.
9:48Also, it would enable us to be less
9:49angry with them as individuals. Everyone
9:51made fun of Prince Harry because they
9:52said he wasn't able to deliver on
9:54contracts. He was awarded by Netflix and
9:55Spotify. Now, I am sorry, but that is
9:58the fault of Netflix and Spotify. Why in
10:01the name of God would you give a work
10:03contract to a man whose CV is just a
10:05piece of paper that says Jesus made my
10:07granny magic?
10:10Why would you do that?
10:13And in December, we found out the cost
10:15to the British taxpayer of the
10:16coronation, £72 million. I'm going to be
10:20honest with you, Hackne, you might be
10:21sat there thinking, well, that doesn't
10:22work out as much per taxpayer, but it's
10:25stuck in my throat because in 2008, the
10:27financial crisis happened and we have
10:28simply never recovered. And every time
10:30since then, we've gone to our government
10:32and said, "Hey, we need some money to
10:33fix our schools, hospitals, or feed our
10:34poor children." And they said, "No,
10:36there's no money." So, I'm going to be
10:37honest with you. It [ __ ] stuck in the
10:40throat to find out that someone in the
10:42Treasury in our country went down the
10:43back of a [ __ ] sofa cushion and
10:46managed to find 72 million of our money,
10:49and then spent it so they could have a
10:51party to pop a gold hat on a pedophile's
10:53brother.
10:55[applause]
10:59That's a stick [applause and cheering]
11:01in the throat somewhat. Now, because
11:04we're filming this, for legal reasons,
11:08[laughter]
11:09for legal reasons, I am legally required
11:12to say that I don't think Prince Andrew
11:15is a pedophile.
11:17[laughter]
11:18[applause]
11:21That wasn't a wink. THAT WAS JUST A FUN
11:23ONE EYE BLINK.
11:26I'm legally required to say I don't
11:28think Prince Andrew is a pedophile. I'm
11:30not calling him any of the following
11:31phrases. Megaped, ultraedeed, super
11:34nons. At no point am I saying, "Say
11:36Drew, I hear you like I'm young." I am
11:38not saying any of those things. However,
11:41I was about to talk about him on a radio
11:44program here and I consulted a
11:45professional liel lawyer who okayed the
11:47following phrase, pedophile adjacent. It
11:50is legally fine to describe the king's
11:54brother and the president of America by
11:57the phrase pedophile adjacent because
11:59there are multiple photos of both of
12:01them next to Jeffrey Epstein. Therefore,
12:02they are literally adjacent to a
12:04pedophile and can be described as such
12:06in the broadcast and print media. My
12:08gift to you, Hackne. Do with it what you
12:10will.
12:12[applause]
12:16[applause]
12:19>> And listen, as we reflect on Rich Rishi
12:21Sunnak's career, the first ethnic
12:23minority person to be prime minister of
12:25the UK, it is worth noting something,
12:27right? He was the victim of racist
12:30abuse. Now, it's a racist abuse he would
12:31frequently fail to acknowledge for
12:33reasons of his own personal or political
12:34ambition, but that doesn't mean it
12:36wasn't there. Of course, RishiSunak was
12:38the victim of racism. He tried to be
12:40prime minister before he was actually
12:41prime minister and lost to Liz Truss, a
12:43white woman so stupid scientists now
12:45believe she was breastfed by a car
12:47exhaust.
12:50And then the 6th of June last year,
12:52something happened. It was the 80th
12:53anniversary of the D-Day celebration and
12:56they had a massive event with world
12:57leaders everywhere. Rishi Sunnak
12:59attended but left early so he could give
13:01a television interview as part of the
13:03general election campaign. NOW, TO BE
13:05CLEAR, even I know he shouldn't have
13:07done that. Even me, communist McBrown
13:09face knows you don't [ __ ] around with
13:12D-Day. You respect the people who died
13:14on D-Day. You don't turn Saving Private
13:16Ryan off after the first hour just cuz
13:17that's the best bit [laughter] of the
13:18film. You stay and watch till the boring
13:21boring end to respect the greatest
13:23generation.
13:25Now, so Sunnak was right to criticize
13:27him, but some of the criticism he
13:28received was absolutely at the very
13:30least racially charged. Okay. Nigel
13:33Farage, the Donald Trump approved leader
13:35of a far-right political party in this
13:37country who was at the D-Day
13:38CELEBRATION. HEY, QUICK QUESTION. WHY
13:40THE [ __ ] ARE WE INVITING the leaders of
13:42far-right political parties to the
13:44godamn D-Day celebration for balance?
13:47Are we legally [cheering] required to
13:48have people there to represent the
13:51losing side of [ __ ] D-Day? [applause]
13:55Said that soon had left early because he
13:57did not understand our culture right
14:00now. What is that? That's the most
14:01powerful person of color. that's ever
14:03lived in this country being told that he
14:05doesn't belong by a man who continues to
14:06sit in houses of parliament to this day.
14:08In America, a black person becomes
14:10president. What happens? A game show
14:11host demands to see his birth
14:13certificate. And that game show host was
14:15just reelected as their [ __ ]
14:17president. And when you don't
14:18acknowledge racism, when it's aimed at
14:19powerful people of color, it has
14:21consequences for ordinary people. And in
14:22summer 2024, those consequences boiled
14:25over. There were race riots in the
14:27United Kingdom. A mob full of people
14:28chanting pro- Hitler slogans attacked a
14:31hotel with refugees and asylum seekers
14:33in it in our country. And the thing that
14:34broke me the most was the next day on
14:36the news all of these white so-called
14:38moderate commentators appeared and
14:39started saying these riots are the fault
14:40of immigrant communities. This is what
14:42happens when immigrants fail to
14:43integrate. It's an allegation we hear a
14:45lot that immigrant communities fail to
14:46integrate in predominantly white
14:48countries and that's the cause of racial
14:49unrest. And I had a think about it and
14:51you know what I realized? We're
14:52incredible at integration. We come to
14:54these countries and we build identities
14:56that acknowledge the cultures and
14:57traditions of where our parents are
14:58from. Also acknowledge the cultures and
14:59traditions of where we are right now.
15:01Two years ago, I went to my cousin's
15:03wedding in Edinburgh, Scotland. Half the
15:04guests were wearing saris and kas and
15:06the other half were wearing [ __ ]
15:07kilts. Last year, India and Pakistan
15:10played a cricket match in England.
15:12Halfway through the game, the majority
15:13British South Asian crowd abandoned
15:15their seats so they could watch on
15:17television in the bowels of the stadium
15:19the England football team compete in a
15:21penalty shootout in that summer's
15:23European Championships. We are
15:25incredible at integration. YOU KNOW
15:27WHO'S BAD AT INTEGRATION? White people.
15:32And you know how I know? You know how I
15:35know that? I'VE JUST BEEN ON TOUR. GUESS
15:37WHERE I WENT? CANADA, New Zealand,
15:39Australia, and America. And I've got to
15:41be honest with you, the white people
15:42don't SEEM TO BE VERY INTEGRATED WITH
15:44THE people that were there when they
15:46arrived. Canada and New Zealand are not
15:48particularly integrated. And they are,
15:49and this is a horrible phrase, some of
15:51the better whites.
15:54As for Australia, they had a vote to see
15:56if they could integrate their indigenous
15:58communities more closely into their
15:59constitution, and they voted no. As for
16:01America, unless that movie is called The
16:03Integrators of the Flower Moon, and I
16:05missed the entire [ __ ] point OF IT,
16:06THEY GOT A FEW PROBLEMS AS [ __ ] WELL.
16:09AND NOW I THINK THAT'S WHAT WHITE PEOPLE
16:11THINK WE'VE come to do to you in your
16:13countries. Murder all of you, steal your
16:15land, and then pretend it was ours TO
16:17BEGIN WITH. NO, THAT'S YOUR THING.
16:20YOU'RE [ __ ] WEIRD. WE'RE ONLY IN
16:23THESE countries to kick it, make a bit
16:25of money, and participate in a cultural
16:26exchange. Teach you some stuff, learn
16:28some stuff from you. We've already
16:30taught you about seasoning your food and
16:31dancing rhythmically. And in return, you
16:33have given us Merrill Street and being
16:35on time.
16:38>> [applause]
16:39>> We're all learning things, but we can't
16:42move off this subject, can we? Without
16:44acknowledging that we are in the United
16:46Kingdom, aka the mac daddy of dog [ __ ]
16:49white integration. Thanks to a 250-year
16:51integration project conducted by the
16:53aristocracy of our country that brought
16:55death, disease, and genocide to all four
16:58corners of the globe, left us with a
16:59string of geopolitical problems that
17:01continue to haunt us to this day. And
17:03worst of all, NEARLY RESULTED IN ONE OF
17:04MY JEWELS GOING IN A CROWN [screaming]
17:06ON THAT WOMAN'S [ __ ] HEAD.
17:09[applause and cheering]
17:13[applause]
17:14We would have given IT TO DIANA. WE
17:16WOULD HAVE GIVEN IT TO DIANA. We would
17:17have given Diana the Coenor DIAMOND.
17:19THAT'S HOW MUCH WE LOVE DIANA, peace be
17:21upon her.
17:24[applause]
17:25And when I looked to the faces of those
17:27people in the race riots, twisted and
17:28contorted with rage, I WAS FURIOUS. BUT
17:30I also understand they're only porns in
17:32a game. And we need to be angry with the
17:34powerful people responsible for
17:35instigating this hate. Don't be angry
17:37with the guy in the red MAGA hat at the
17:39Trump rally. Be angry with the guy in
17:40the black MAGA hat who bankrolled the
17:42Trump campaign. And when I look at these
17:44race writers, their features twisted and
17:46contorted with rage. And when I look at
17:47Elon Musk, a thought does occur. When
17:49will there be one good-looking white
17:51supremacist?
17:53[applause and cheering]
17:54When will there be one white supremacist
17:57that is visible evidence for the genetic
18:00superiority of the white race?
18:03[applause]
18:07I'm going to be honest with you. If Brad
18:09Pitt came out as a white supremacist,
18:10we'd all say, "HEAR HIM OUT." BECAUSE
18:12THAT GUY [cheering] has got CHEEK WOUNDS
18:14FOR DAYS, MONTHS, WEEKS, AND YEARS. IT'S
18:16NEVER BRAD PITT. IT'S NEVER MARGGO
18:18ROBBIE. It's always comes to look like
18:19Steve Bannon who [laughter] seems to
18:20have caught leprosy of the entire face
18:22and head or Elon Musk who looks like
18:24someone tried to stretch skin over a
18:26shipping container.
18:28Every time I see this [ __ ] ON
18:29THE TELEVISION, ALL I CAN THINK IS WHY
18:31DOESN'T YOUR SKIN FIT, BRO? HE LOOKS
18:33LIKE THE COCKROACH at the beginning of
18:34Men in Black with a skin suit not
18:36fitting properly on him. Sugarala. Give
18:39me my sugar.
18:44And they KEEP DOING HITLER SALUTES. WHY
18:45DO THEY KEEP DOING HITLER SALUTES?
18:47ANSWER: Because they're Nazis. Again,
18:49for legal reasons, Nazi adjacent.
18:54And one of the first people to defend
18:55Elon Musk when he did a Hitler salute
18:57was Benjamin Netanyahu, the prime
18:59minister of Israel. And the reason he
19:00did that is Benjamin Netanyahu IS A
19:02[ __ ] PIECE of [ __ ] And there is no
19:05depth to the hell that man deserves to
19:06be consigned to. [cheering] I AM
19:08FURIOUS. [applause] FURIOUS BY what our
19:11governments are sanctioning [cheering]
19:12in Gaza at the moment. I am livid about
19:14it. But here's the thing. I'm 39 years
19:16old. So for the first time in my life,
19:18I'm watching something with a sense of
19:19dread and familiarity, right? Because
19:22this is the first time we're old enough,
19:24people my age, to see something bad
19:26happen again. Because if you take all of
19:27the history and context out of it in
19:29Gaza, which people seem to really want
19:30to [ __ ] do, and just start from
19:32October the 7th, even then the 911
19:34parallels are overwhelming, right? A
19:36terrorist attack happens. It's
19:37appalling. But I thought what we had
19:39learned is what you must not do is
19:41murder and kill innocent civilians who
19:43bear no responsibility for the terrorist
19:45attack. It doesn't make anyone safer.
19:46The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan didn't
19:48make any of us safer. This war is making
19:50one man safer and that man's name is
19:52Benjamin Netanyahu. And when I look
19:54[laughter] at the news, I am filled with
19:56dread and familiarity. I'm going to be
19:59completely honest with you though,
20:00Hatne. [applause] It is not an
20:01unfamiliar sensation for me. It's the
20:03same combination of dread and
20:05familiarity I feel every time I see a
20:07teenager today walking around with jeans
20:09that drag in the mud or I read on the
20:12New York Times that Limp Biz Kit is
20:14blowing up on Tik Tok. I think JESUS
20:16[ __ ] CHRIST, THEY'RE BRINGING BACK
20:17ALL THE WORST things from the early
20:192000s. Lowrise jeans, new metal, and the
20:22WAR ON TERROR. WHY ARE THESE THE THINGS
20:25WE'RE BRINGING BACK? BACK ME UP HERE,
20:26MILLENNIALS. THERE WAS BETTER STUFF THAT
20:28HAPPENED IN THAT PERIOD. WE COULD BE
20:30WEARING STATEMENT NECKLACES, WATCHING
20:31THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY, AND
20:33SHAKING IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE.
20:36[cheering]
20:38[applause]
20:41>> And look, we are at a crucial tipping
20:42point for our civilization. There is an
20:45ascendant movement of ethnationalist
20:47Christian white supremacy that is coming
20:49for us. It's found its most successful
20:51incarnation in a generation in the
20:53re-election of Donald Trump as
20:54president. That instigated Canada and
20:56Australia to have elections where there
20:57was a reaction against pro-Trump
21:00politicians. But in Germany in February,
21:02the AFD won 20% of the vote, making them
21:05the second largest party in the German
21:07Parliament. That is literal descendants
21:08of the Nazi party. What we need now
21:11desperately is some unity. We got to
21:13rebuild the shattered bonds of
21:14solidarity between groups that should be
21:15standing shoulder-to-shoulder with each
21:17other. white working-class people, your
21:19enemies are not immigrants or people of
21:21color. Those are groups that should be
21:22standing shoulderto-shoulder with each
21:24other. [applause and cheering]
21:24Cisgendered women, your enemies are not
21:27transgendered women. Those are groups
21:28that should be standing
21:29shoulderto-shoulder with each other.
21:31[cheering]
21:31And what we need right now, Hackne,
21:34[applause]
21:34is a little unity. And tonight, let's
21:37just all come together and do nothing
21:39more than this. Agree on a single idea
21:41to take away. And let that idea be this.
21:43When Trump was shot at that rally, we
21:45would prefer he died. Let's just be
21:48honest here. Okay, wait, wait,
21:50[applause] wait. You [ __ ] agitated
21:53East London hipsters. Just wait. I know
21:55you're excited. Just wait. Okay, let me
21:58just fully contextualize what I'm trying
22:01to say here. There might be some dodgy
22:04right-wing journalist in the back who's
22:05going to try and take what I've said out
22:07of context. I WILL NOT BE TENACIOUS
22:09DEED. OKAY, JACK BLACK WILL NOT DISOWN
22:11ME, HACKNE. I WILL get this visa
22:14renewed.
22:16[cheering] Let me just fully
22:17contextualize what I'm trying to say.
22:20Okay. My first preference
22:23[laughter]
22:25is that he had never been shot at all.
22:28Don't boo that.
22:32My first preference is that he'd NEVER
22:33BEEN SHOT. THAT WASN'T ME. AMERICAN VISA
22:35BOARD. THAT WAS A MAN.
22:38My first preference is that he'd never
22:40been shot at all. That's my preference
22:41for every single person in the world.
22:42Also, I studied history. I know what
22:44happened with the rice fire. Hitler used
22:45it as an excuse to suspend democratic
22:47freedoms, norms, and accountabilities in
22:48Germany. I fear that that's what Trump's
22:50going to do. Okay, so that's my first
22:51preference. My second preference is that
22:54given that he was shot at,
22:57could it not have been TO COMPLETION?
23:00THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING. Where was Luigi?
23:03We all [laughter] asked the same
23:04question. Where was Luigi? [cheering]
23:07Say what you will about Luigi Manion,
23:09the man who assassinated a healthcare
23:10CEO in the street in New York. Separate
23:12the morality of what he did and just
23:14acknowledge the marksmanship. THAT'S ALL
23:16I'M ASKING YOU TO DO. THESE [ __ ] GRAZE
23:19TRUMP TRAMPS HERE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW
23:20THAT'S [ __ ] POSSIBLE. RIGHT? THE GUY
23:22LUIGI shot is very dead. These are the
23:25facts.
23:27And listen, I will acknowledge that even
23:28in this room, there is attention
23:32[laughter] as you all comprehend if
23:33you've been caught on camera. And if
23:35that compromises your trip to
23:36Disneyland, let me just say, I've
23:39recently completed a 20 city tour of the
23:42United States of America where I did
23:44this material every night. When I
23:45returned back to the UK, my friend said,
23:48"I'll be honest, I assumed you'd be
23:49assassinated."
23:52But obviously the Americans that came to
23:53see me, they're furious leftists as
23:55well. They agreed. And also, they
23:57understand something powerful that Trump
23:59is a threat to most Americans. Right? If
24:02you're a immigrant or a person of color,
24:03he's a threat to you, right? If you're a
24:05member of the LGBTQIA community, he's a
24:07threat to you. If you're a woman, he's a
24:08threat to your bodily autonomy. If
24:10you're a working-class person, he's a
24:11threat to you. Can only finance his tax
24:12cuts by further cuts to Medicaid. Okay?
24:14He's a threat to most Americans. That
24:16puts most Americans in the same boat as
24:18the rest of us. Because he is a threat
24:19to the entire rest of the goddamn world.
24:21I hate when Americans say, "Why do you
24:23care so much about our elections?" We
24:24don't want to care about your [ __ ]
24:27elections. No one in this room wants to
24:29lose another night's sleep waiting for
24:31counties outside Atlanta to report. None
24:33of us wants to do that. But the sad
24:36reality is it has consequences for all
24:38of us. A couple of weeks ago, he
24:40announced a tariff policy that involved
24:42him writing numbers on a big piece of
24:44card and the whole thing looked like a
24:45deleted episode of the Price is Right.
24:47And now the stock market's tanged and no
24:49one has pensions anymore, right? He
24:51summons the Ukrainian leader Vladimir
24:53Zillinsky to the Oval Office and tells
24:55him off. Now, we shouldn't have been
24:56surprised about that. That's him
24:57sticking up for his friend. WHO'S HIS
24:59FRIEND? VLADIMIR PUTIN. HE CAN'T HAVE A
25:01GO AT Scooby-Doo for sticking up FOR
25:02SHAGGY. THAT'S NOT HOW THINGS WORK. He's
25:05going to supervise a policy that's
25:06tantamount to ethnic cleansing in Gaza
25:08because of his friendship with his
25:09fellow [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] Benjamin
25:10Netanyahu. Also, for younger people in
25:13the room, this should concern you more
25:14than anything else. He has total
25:16hostility to climate science. He's going
25:17to roll back provisions in the American
25:18legal system. And there is a strong
25:20argument to be made that he will be
25:21personally responsible for a genocide in
25:23the Southern Hemisphere over the next
25:25decade. All of which taken with the fact
25:26that if he had been successfully
25:27assassinated, the man that would have
25:28run in his head, JD Vance,
25:30[clears throat] is someone I think we
25:31can all agree is a human charisma
25:33vacuum. Of course, with a [ __ ] Indian
25:36wife. Oh, you must be so pleased with
25:38the representation,
25:40[applause and cheering]
25:41which means I think WE CAN ALL COME
25:44TOGETHER AND AGREE. AND I AM MAKING YOU
25:46LEGALLY COMPLICIT IN WHAT I'M ABOUT TO
25:48SAY. GET THE CAMERAS ON THE CROWD. I AM
25:50MAKING YOU legally complicit in what I'm
25:53about to say. It means we CAN ALL COME
25:55TOGETHER AND AGREE that whilst our first
25:57preference
26:00is that he HAD NEVER BEEN SHOT AT ALL,
26:04[laughter]
26:06our second preference is that GIVEN THAT
26:09HE WAS SHOT AT, WHICH [laughter]
26:10REMEMBER WAS NOT OUR FIRST PREFERENCE.
26:14Given that he was shot at, could it not
26:17have been by someone with better aim?
26:20That's all we're saying, Hangney. That's
26:22all we've ever been saying, isn't it?
26:24[applause]
26:26And listen, if there is someone in here
26:28from the right-wing press that's trying
26:30to take me out of context and quote what
26:31I've said, I just want you to KNOW I AM
26:33RECORDING THIS GIG, OKAY? I HAVE THE
26:34VOICE MEMOS APP OPEN. I KNOW THAT WE'RE
26:36FILMING IT. I DON'T TRUST ANY ONE OF
26:38THESE [ __ ] CAMERA PEOPLE WHOSE NAMES
26:39I NEVER LEARNED. I DON'T KNOW WHO ANY OF
26:41THEM IS. I DON'T [ __ ] TRUST THEM. SO,
26:44I'M KEEPING A record for myself. And if
26:46there is anyone in here from the US
26:48Department of Homeland Security, then my
26:50name is Romesh Rangalanathan. Thank you.
26:53[applause]
27:02All of which
27:04All of which is an elaborate way of
27:06saying welcome to the show. [laughter]
27:10[cheering]
27:10>> Good to see you, Hackne. What a pleasure
27:12to be back in the [applause] studio.
27:17Now, that is a [ __ ] intense opening
27:2025 minutes. And the people I feel most
27:23sorry for are the plus ones. Oh, I feel
27:27sorry for the plus ones. Cuz that's how
27:30it broke down, wasn't it? There's the
27:31person who bought the ticket. And then
27:33there's the person sat next to the
27:34person who bought the ticket. Some of
27:36whom are looking at me with total fear
27:38in their eyes and a facial expression
27:40that seems to scream, "You weren't like
27:41this on Taskmaster.
27:45WHERE'S GREG DAVIS? THE DOORS ARE LOCKED
27:47CUZ GREG CAN'T SAVE YOU. NOW,
27:50now look, what I should have done is
27:52come out and contextualize who I am for
27:54the plus ones. Cuz I know you loosely
27:56know me as a comedian, but the person
27:57who bought you along tonight knows me
27:59for doing something specific within
28:01comedy. And I'm aware of how the people
28:03that know my work best perceive me
28:05because of something that happened
28:06during the pandemic. During the
28:07pandemic, I was on one of my state
28:09sanctioned daily walks in the [ __ ]
28:10park that we all took for a year and
28:11pretended to enjoy. And I was on the
28:13phone to my brother who lives in Germany
28:15and he was saying, "How's things going
28:16in the UK?" Now, this was April of 2020.
28:18So, cast your minds back. And remember,
28:20it was
28:22kaka noodoo.
28:26So, I said, "The Conservative Party is
28:28trying to [ __ ] kill us, man. They're
28:29trying to [ __ ] murder us all. This is
28:31Waco, Texas, and Johnson has gone full
28:32David Caresh. They're starting with the
28:34elderly and the disabled, but they'll
28:35get to all of us eventually." Of course,
28:37no one was able to get Boris Johnson to
28:38wear a mask. No one could get the [ __ ]
28:40to WEAR A CONDOM. WE ARE [ __ ]
28:43>> [applause]
28:44>> AND AS I'M SAYING THIS, I make contact
28:47with a guy, eye contact, and I think I
28:49think that guy recognized me, but he
28:50didn't say anything. So I thought, well,
28:52my mistake. I guess he didn't recognize
28:53me. Then I got home, I found out that
28:54man definitely recognized me cuz that
28:56man had taken to the social networking
28:58website formerly known as Twitter and
29:00written the following. I saw Mr.
29:02Nishkamar in the park today and it turns
29:04out it's not a character. No,
29:09IT'S NOT A [ __ ] CHARACTER. WHAT WAS
29:12HE EXPECTING? THAT HE'D SEE ME IN THE
29:13PARK AND I'D BE SAYING, "H, I tricked
29:15him. I love racism in THE FREE MARKET.
29:18WHY WOULD THIS BE A CHARACTER?" ALSO,
29:20WHAT KIND OF CHARACTER WOULD THIS BE?
29:21LIKE, I'D BOOT POLISH MY FACE AND MY
29:23REAL NAME'S NICK COOPER. THIS IS NOT A
29:25CHARACTER. HI, I'M Nick Cooper. I call
29:28my parents by by their first names. I
29:29wear my shoes indoors. THIS IS NOT A
29:31[ __ ] CHARACTER.
29:33I AM LIKE THIS ALL THE [ __ ] TIME. I
29:36AM THIS INTENSE ALL THE [ __ ] TIME.
29:40EVEN IF YOU WEREN'T HERE, THIS IS WHAT I
29:42WOULD BE DOING. THE FACT that you are
29:44here is a great source of relief from a
29:46mental health perspective and also
29:47without WISHING TO BE CRASS, a financial
29:49one as well. But the reality is this is
29:52who I am. THIS IS WHAT I AM like all THE
29:54[ __ ] TIME. WHICH makes it even more
29:55nonsensical what a friend of mine did to
29:57me recently. A friend of mine fed BACK
29:59SOME CRITICISM OF MY COMEDY that one of
30:01his friends made. He said this. Look, I
30:03think your mate Nish is funny, but
30:05couldn't he leave the politics aside for
30:07a second and just do some jokes about
30:09the things in his fridge?
30:12[laughter]
30:13HOW THE [ __ ] AM I SUPPOSED TO [ __ ]
30:15FRICK FRIDGE MATERIAL INTO THIS [ __ ]
30:18SHOW? DO YOU WANT TO HEAR THE REAL SET
30:19LIST FOR THIS SHOW? THIS IS THE REAL SET
30:21LIST FOR TONIGHT'S SHOW. WE'VE DONE THE
30:22FIRST THREE. ELECTIONS, INTEGRATION,
30:24UNITY. HERE'S WHAT WE'VE GOT LEFT.
30:26COMPLICITY, ART, RADICALIZATION, DEATH,
30:28ANXIETY, RAGE. THAT IS THE REAL SET
30:30LIST. [applause]
30:33A COMEDY SHOW THAT YOU HAVE PAID to see,
30:37HACKNE. AND MY QUESTION FOR YOU IS THIS.
30:40WHERE DOES THE [ __ ] FRIDGE STUFF GO?
30:55NO ONE GOT ANY SUGGESTIONS? OKAY, LET'S
30:57PRESS ON. Point number one of the humor
31:00show, complicity.
31:04The thing that I'm struggling with
31:05amongst all the [ __ ] that's [ __ ]
31:07going on at the moment is the number of
31:09comedians that are now coming out in
31:11support of some of these [ __ ]
31:13disgusting ideologies. It's making me
31:15feel sick. Now, I'm going to attempt to
31:16do the next 10 minutes of this show
31:18without naming a single comedian because
31:20my agent has said, "Can you not when
31:22you're filming this show, go on stage,
31:24slag off comedians, and then say their
31:26names." And when I said, "Why?" She
31:27said, "Because it's my email address on
31:29your website."
31:32And it turns out Ricky Javase's fans are
31:33as unpleasant as Ricky Jace.
31:37Don't [ __ ] clap that. Don't clap
31:39that. [applause and cheering] WHAT I
31:40JUST SAID TO YOU, YOU ARE ENABLERS of my
31:43toxic behavior.
31:46Uh, for context for why these people are
31:47clapping, Ricky Jves and I, good old
31:49Richard, are embroiled in a show
31:51business feud in the United Kingdom.
31:53I've said terrible things about him on
31:54stage. He's saying terrible things about
31:56me on stage. The reasons I said terrible
31:58things about him on stage are twofold.
31:59Reason number one, I genuinely believe
32:00that Ricky Javase and comedians like
32:02him's hostile targeting of the
32:03transgender community has created an
32:04atmosphere of rhetorical cruelty that is
32:06translating itself into a wave of
32:08anti-transgender legislation that is
32:09sweeping the world. That is a vulnerable
32:11minority that is being targeted and the
32:13comedy industry is complicit in that
32:14targeting and it has a moral obligation
32:16to speak out. That's point number one.
32:17Point number [cheering]
32:19[applause]
32:25point number two. I didn't think he'd
32:26find out. Okay. I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D
32:28FIND OUT. [cheering]
32:30Ricky Jabase and I are not on the same
32:32rung of the show business ladder. HE
32:34GETS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS EVERY year from
32:36Netflix. And my last contract with a
32:38streaming service was with an APP CALLED
32:39QUIBBY WHOSE BUSINESS MODEL WAS, "WHAT
32:41if YouTube wasn't free but was worse?"
32:44So, WE'RE ON THE SAME GODDAMN RUGG AT
32:47THE SHOW BUSINESS LADDER. OKAY, but
32:49listen. I've said terrible things about
32:50him. I don't regret saying any of them,
32:52but I'm not going to say anything more
32:53about him. And I said to my agent,
32:55"Don't worry. We're filming this and I
32:57will attempt to not say a single
32:58comedian's NAME." THAT IS MY PROMISE TO
33:00YOU. BUT SOME OF THESE [ __ ] MAN, ARE
33:03[ __ ] DOING [ __ ] TONY HINCHCLIFFE,
33:05I'VE ALREADY SAID A NAME. TONY HINCHLEY
33:07OPENED FOR TRUMP AT HIS RALLY IN MADISON
33:09SQUARE GARDENS THAT THE NEW YORK TIMES
33:11DIRECTLY compared to one that happened
33:12in the same venue in 1939 in favor of
33:14the Nazi party. Joe Rogan is essentially
33:17acting as a protein powder adult Joseph
33:19Gerbles for the Trump administration. If
33:21anyone doesn't know who Joe Rogan is,
33:23imagine if someone got a load of ham and
33:24made it into the shape of the thing from
33:25the Fantastic 4 and then brought it to
33:28life with a witch's curse. That's who
33:30Joe Rogan is. [applause]
33:34It's [ __ ] insane. And it's not just
33:36Americans getting in on the association
33:38with DISGUSTING IDEOLOGIES. JIMMY CARR
33:40WENT ON Jordan Peterson's podcast. Who's
33:44Jordan Peterson? He is an academic.
33:45Citation needed. And the reason
33:49I say citation needed are Jordan
33:52Peterson beefed himself into a coma.
33:54Now, I imagine those of you hearing this
33:56story for the first time will assume
33:57some exaggeration. Those of you who seem
33:59to be familiar with the story can
34:00confirm I am not exaggerating in any
34:02way, shape, or form. Am I? Jordan
34:05Peterson put himself and his wife on an
34:06all raw meat diet because he said we
34:08needed to eat in a manner closer to the
34:09cave people who famously largely ate
34:11berries in order to improve our physical
34:14and mental well-being. Surprisingly,
34:16from the all raw meat diet, his wife
34:18became incredibly unwell. From the
34:20stress of her becoming unwell, Jordan
34:21Peterson became addicted to painkillers,
34:23an addiction which was treated by
34:24Russian doctors when they placed him
34:25into a controlled coma. So when I say he
34:27beefed himself into a coma, I'm not
34:29speaking metaphorically. I don't mean he
34:31argued his way into a state of
34:33emotionally distressed catatonia. I MEAN
34:36HE BEEFED HIMSELF INTO A COMA.
34:39[cheering]
34:40[applause]
34:41But the main reason I question Jordan
34:43Peterson's credentials as an academic is
34:44he has an attitude to women that would
34:47cause someone from the Old Testament to
34:48say, "Get with the times, granddad."
34:50Okay, you can't call them that anymore.
34:53You can stone them to death, but you
34:54can't call them that anymore. He's at
34:56the vanguard of a new wave of misogynist
34:59radicalizers. The manosphere they call
35:00it. They're trying to radicalize our
35:02young boys and men and turn them into
35:03another generation of men that attack
35:05and kill women. It's a [ __ ] disgrace
35:07that he did that [ __ ] Now, all of you
35:08are sat there thinking, "Well, that's
35:10all very well and goodish." But Jimmy
35:11Carr is a colleague of yours and you
35:12could have said this TO HIS FACE. I
35:14[ __ ] DID IN A CONVERSATION THAT I
35:16[cheering] continue
35:18that I continue to characterize
35:20[applause]
35:21as a heated but respectful exchange
35:23between two co-workers. But in the
35:25interest of balance, I should tell you a
35:26witness James Acastaster described as a
35:28frenzied attack.
35:31And to be fair to history's most
35:33unlikely Ghostbuster, he does
35:36he does have a point. Okay. A Castaster
35:39and I were performing shows at the
35:40Montreal Comedy Festival in Canada. We
35:42were having a conversation in a
35:43corridor. Out of nowhere, Jimmy Cart
35:45just turned his head into around the
35:46corner and immediately started saying
35:47hello to both of us. And I immediately
35:49screamed in his face, which is a
35:50surprise cuz I'm normally such a
35:51mildmanner mannered man. He appeared and
35:53I went, "Jerry, what the [ __ ] ARE YOU
35:54DOING?" BECAUSE THIS IS not a character.
35:57Screamed in his face and I said, "You
35:58should not have gone on that guy's
36:00[ __ ] podcast, man. This is a guy
36:01who's turning young boys into another
36:02generation of men that are going to
36:03attack and kill women. THIS IS A [ __ ]
36:05RADICALIZATION EVENT THAT'S happening on
36:06an unprecedented scale." And he said,
36:08"Ooh, I don't know. Not going on
36:09people's podcast sounds a bit like
36:11cancel culture to me." And I said, "Is
36:16that cancel culture now? IS IT NOT GOING
36:18ON PODCASTS with people?" In which case,
36:20guess what happened to me today, guys?
36:22Beyonce cancelled me, as she has done
36:25every day. She has refused to appear on
36:28a podcast with me. Why, Miss Carter
36:29Nolles? Why hast thou forsaken me? I've
36:32been with you since Bills, Bills, Bills,
36:33how could you do this to me?
36:36[applause]
36:38And then he said, I actually pulled
36:40Jordan Peterson up on some of his more
36:42controversial points of view. And I
36:43said, "No, you [ __ ] didn't." And he
36:44said, "How do you know?" And I said,
36:46"Because I listened to the whole goddamn
36:48thing." And he said, "Why'd you do
36:50that?" And I said, "Because you have no
36:51idea of my ability to spoil my own
36:54afternoon.
36:57[cheering]
36:58I will [ __ ] ruin my own afternoon
37:00watching things or listening to them
37:02that I know are going to upset me." I
37:04did it with a documentary Jimmy Carr
37:05made. I watched the entire thing even
37:07though I knew going in that it would
37:08upset me. The premise of the documentary
37:10was asking, "Is it possible to enjoy
37:12good art made by a bad person?" Now, I
37:15have two problems with this. Firstly,
37:16who the [ __ ] [ __ ] cares, MAN? WHO
37:18GIVES A [ __ ] [ __ ] MAN? Of course
37:20it's possible to enjoy good art made by
37:22a bad person. Just because you danced to
37:24Billy Gene at a wedding doesn't make you
37:27complicit. They're not going to put you
37:29in an R. Kelly documentary. It's not
37:32going to hard cut from a producer who
37:33continued to work with him after they
37:35heard allegations of sexual abuse to
37:37you, Graham 42 from Hackne, who found
37:39himself nodding his head to the Ignition
37:41remix at a colleague's retirement party.
37:44That's never going to [ __ ] happen.
37:45We've all enjoyed good art made by bad
37:48people. When I was a teenager, I was a
37:49tremendous fan of the cinema of Woody
37:51Allen. But even Woody Allen's most
37:52ardent defenders would have to admit if
37:54in speaking in defense of someone, you
37:56find yourself saying this. Legally, she
37:58was never his stepdaughter, HE'S
38:00PROBABLY A SHITTY DUDE.
38:02[applause]
38:04Bill Cosby, Kevin Spacy, we've all
38:06enjoyed good art made by bad people.
38:08Which is why whenever we talk about this
38:10subject, WE SHOULD TAKE A SECOND TO
38:12thank Russell Brand for producing
38:15nothing of cultural, artistic or
38:18aesthetic value [applause]
38:21in his entire career and thus [cheering]
38:24saving us [applause] this awkward
38:26conversation. Cuz I don't care who you
38:28are. No one heard the allegations of
38:29sexual assault leveled against Russell
38:31Brand and immediately thought, "But how
38:32will I enjoy get him to the Greek?
38:36What [laughter] about my annual Easter
38:37Sunday hop rewatch jamboree? No. Russell
38:40Brand is and always has been a
38:41talentless rapist. Now again, for legal
38:44reasons. [applause] For legal [cheering]
38:46reasons, I'm required to say this
38:48allegedly. But for moral reasons, I'm
38:51required to add the words a lot.
38:53Allegedly, but a [ __ ] of a lot. So, my
38:56first problem with the documentary was
38:58at philosophical level. My second
39:00problem with the documentary is, do you
39:01know which artist they chose to profile
39:03and ask the question, is it possible to
39:05enjoy good art made by a bad person?
39:08Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hitler. Adolf
39:12Hitler. Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hitler.
39:16Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hitler. Adolf
39:19Hitler. Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hit. You
39:23know the artist
39:26[applause]
39:29Adolf Hitler, the [laughter] famous
39:30famous artist.
39:35Listen, man. It's all [ __ ] stupid,
39:37right? There's no point in saying, "Is
39:38it possible to enjoy good art made by a
39:40bad person?" Of course it [ __ ] is.
39:42Half a grown up is understanding that
39:43you uh emotionally responded to work
39:46made by people whose morals didn't align
39:47with your own. The question we all
39:49should be asking is this. Why do bad
39:51people keep rising to the top of every
39:54infrastructure that governs our lives?
39:56Politics, media, religion, sport, art.
39:59Yeah, art. It's full of [ __ ] rapists,
40:01abusers, and pedophiles. And sometimes
40:03in art, people say the stupidest [ __ ]
40:05[ __ ] you've ever heard. Maybe we need
40:06bad people in art because of THEIR
40:08TRANSGRESSIVE THINKING. NO, THAT'S
40:10STUPID [ __ ] [ __ ] YOU DON'T MOLEST
40:12SOMEONE AND GET BETTER AT DRAWING.
40:14THAT'S NOT [laughter] HOW ANYTHING
40:15WORKS.
40:17The way you push back against this is by
40:19getting rid of the enablers. All of the
40:21producers that continue to work with
40:22these people continue to have jobs in
40:24the entertainment industry and nothing
40:25ever gets done about them. And more
40:27importantly, we need to push back
40:28against a new wave of radicalization.
40:30There's no point in asking, is it
40:32possible to enjoy art made by an old
40:34monster when you, like Jimmy Carr, are
40:36actively joining in a process that is
40:38making new ones. Don't open for a
40:40president who's a sexual abuser. Don't
40:42go on podcasts with people that are the
40:44vanguard of new waves of misogyny. I'm
40:46furious about this. And you know what?
40:47It all makes me realize everyone has
40:49forgotten who Hitler is and what he did
40:51apart from me. You know the movie
40:53yesterday where everyone forgets the
40:55music of the Beatles. That is my life.
40:57Except instead of the music of the
40:58Beatles is the atrocities committed by
41:00Adolf Hitler and I am the increasingly
41:02strange looking British Indian man at
41:03the center of things trying to remind
41:05people of what he did. Comedians are
41:08opening for a president of America who
41:09openly praised Hitler. Germany. 20% of
41:12the people who voted voted for the
41:13descendants of the Nazi party. And Jimmy
41:15Kart is out here making documentaries
41:17asking whether it's possible to separate
41:19Hitler's art from his wider body of
41:22work.
41:23And Ricky Jabase definitely doesn't know
41:25who Hitler is. What's my evidence for
41:27this? What he's saying about me on
41:29stage, right? The thing he's saying
41:30about me on stage is me calling him a
41:32[ __ ] comedian, which I did do, which is
41:34obviously very funny after I give a long
41:36speech about the moral obligation of the
41:38comedy industry. And it turns out what I
41:40said was he's a [ __ ] comedian. Oh
41:42goodness me. We appear to be in the
41:44presence of a wit. Truly Dorothy Parker
41:46has been reborn as brown man.
41:49He's saying that me calling him a [ __ ]
41:51comedian is like Hitler accusing someone
41:52of anti-semitism. Now I think what he
41:54means is hypocritical on both parts for
41:56us to say those things. But here is my
41:58assertion. RICKY JAVASE DOESN'T know who
42:01Hitler is because if he did he would
42:03know Hitler would never call someone
42:05anti-semitic and mean it [laughter] as A
42:07BAD THING. GUYS, Hitler loved
42:09anti-semitism. IT WAS KIND OF HIS WHOLE
42:12DEAL. AND IF HE CALLED someone
42:14anti-semitic, he would mean it as a
42:15COMPLIMENT OR A SIMPLE OBSERVATION. AN
42:17OBSERVATION WHICH WE HAVE TO CONCEDE
42:19COMES FROM THE leading expert in the
42:22field in the history OF THE HUMAN RACE.
42:24If we transpose this analogy back to
42:25what Ricky is saying about me, he is
42:27saying that I am to [ __ ] comedy as
42:29Hitler is to anti-semitism, i.e. the
42:32leading expert in the field in the
42:34history OF THE HUMAN RACE. ALL OF WHICH
42:36MAKES ME THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON OF
42:38ALL TIME TO DECLARE ONCE AND FOR ALL
42:40THAT RICKY JAVASE IS A [ __ ] [ __ ]
42:42comedian.
42:45[applause]
42:56Uhoh.
42:58Looks like somebody was a cheeky boy.
43:02Did anybody ORDER A CHEEKY BOY? BING
43:04BONG. HE'S HERE. UH, he said he wasn't
43:06going to say the names and then he said,
43:08"Um,
43:09[laughter]
43:13I'm adorable."
43:20Daisy pbjmanagement.co.uk
43:26is her real email address.
43:29So guys, I was looking in my fridge the
43:31other day and I realized how THE [ __ ]
43:33WOULD THAT [ __ ] WORK? Especially not
43:36WITH THE NEXT BIT. OH, THE NEXT BIT'S
43:37CHEEKY.
43:39The next bit is about a man with whom I
43:40become dangerously obsessed. A man
43:42called Brian Johnson. Now, he spells
43:43Brian B R Y A N, which I already
43:46consider to be something of a red flag.
43:48Now, he's a billionaire. He founded a
43:50company, sold it to a different company,
43:51and now he's a dollar billionaire. He
43:53doesn't have a job anymore. He spends
43:54all of his time and $2.5 million a year
43:56on something he does that he calls a
43:58rejuvenation program. He is trying to
44:00reverse the aging process. And it's good
44:02that there are people vaguely nodding at
44:04the front because if people in the
44:05audience haven't heard of him, it sounds
44:07like I made him up. He has a team of
44:09doctors monitoring his health and
44:10fitness at all times through
44:11nutritionists making him specially
44:13prepared meals and a team of sleep
44:14specialists monitoring exactly how much
44:16and what quality of sleep he gets every
44:18single night. Now, he says the aim of
44:20this is to reverse the aging process.
44:22Full disclosure, I first heard about him
44:24when he gave an interview a few years
44:26ago where he acknowledged that as part
44:27of this process, for a three-year
44:29period, he was receiving regular plasma
44:31transfusions from his teenage son. Now,
44:35he says the short-term goal is to
44:37reverse the aging process, but the
44:39long-term goal is to defy death. Now,
44:42we're all good people in here, but I
44:45can't be the only person who hears that
44:47and doesn't immediately think, "Well,
44:48I've never wanted someone to be hit by a
44:50car more in my [ __ ] life.
44:52I want him run over and killed like the
44:55end of one day. Spoiler alert. I want
44:56him dead as [ __ ] And when I said that
44:59to a friend of mine, he said, "If that
45:00happens, YOU'LL FEEL BAD." NO, I WILL
45:02MASTURBATE. I WILL masturbate
45:05with God as my witness, IF YOU HEAR
45:08BRIAN Johnson has been killed in a car
45:10accident. No. Wherever I am, I have
45:12immediately begun to masturbate. I don't
45:16care where I am. I don't care if I'm in
45:18a mosque, a church, or a school. I will
45:21immediately masturbate. And to be clear,
45:23I'm a childless Hindu with no teaching
45:25qualifications. SO, I SHOULDN'T BE IN
45:26ANY OF THOSE PLACES.
45:29[cheering] SO, help me. I WILL RUIN A
45:31FUNERAL IF I HAVE to
45:34because I become sexually aroused by the
45:36thought of this man dying and
45:37understanding that you can't buy your
45:39way out of the human condition. You're
45:41bored, you live, YOU DIE. THAT IS
45:42INCREASINGLY all we have in common with
45:43some of these super rich [ __ ] And the
45:45fact that he thinks he can spend $2.5
45:47million a year on this from now until
45:49the end of recorded time is evidence if
45:51more were needed that billionaires
45:53should not exist. Every billionaire
45:54[cheering] is a [ __ ] policy failure.
45:56[applause] It's a failure of a
45:58responsible grown-up and crucially
46:00enforced taxation regime. If
46:02billionaires are going to continue to
46:04exist, then it can only be on this basis
46:06that we get to have a bit of our own
46:08fun. We should make a list of all of the
46:09billionaires that have children and then
46:11randomly murder half just to see
46:16Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize we'd
46:19only sold tickets to [ __ ] [ __ ]
46:23[cheering and applause]
46:24>> Oh, I didn't realize the London [ __ ]
46:26Society was having its goddamn AGM in
46:28here.
46:30Randomly murder half a billionaires with
46:32children.
46:34>> Fine, some support. Are the rest of you
46:36not curious to see how many Batman we
46:38can get going? Why are you not curious
46:41to see if we murder enough billionaires
46:42how many of their children we can force
46:44to seek revenge IN THE SHADOWS? WHERE
46:46DID OUR sense of wonder go as a nation?
46:48WE USED TO MAKE THINGS. [laughter] IF
46:51they're not willing to participate in
46:52the Batman program, aka the Bat program,
46:54then I'm afraid to say they have got to
46:55go. I [ __ ] hate billionaires. I
46:58cannot, however, take such a strong
46:59position on millionaires because I'm
47:01simply friends WITH TOO MANY. I AM
47:03friends with too many millionaires. And
47:05that's not my fault. Haven't been out
47:06carousing with the ROCKER FELLAS. I'VE
47:08EXCLUSIVELY socialized with standup
47:09COMEDIANS SINCE 2009. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED
47:11TO KNOW THAT PEOPLE WERE GOING TO MAKE
47:13MONEY FROM PODCASTS? THEY'RE NOT EVEN
47:15GOOD SHOWS. TWO [ __ ] HAVE MADE millions
47:17from one of the [ __ ] saying, "Ooh,
47:18sandwiches are good." And the other [ __ ]
47:20saying, "Yeah, they are. I'm a genie."
47:22Oh, [applause]
47:25congratulations, fellas. You've
47:28identified that people think food is
47:29good and like to talk about it. WHY NOT
47:31HAVE ANOTHER DUMP TRUCK FILLED with
47:33money in an afternoon with ROBERT DAIRO?
47:34BY ALL MEANS.
47:38And the thing that annoys me most about
47:39Brian JOHNSON IS HE'S NOT SPECIAL, IS
47:41HE? HE'S NOT THE FIRST PERSON WHO
47:43DISCOVER we're going to die and THEN
47:45THINK, "OH, THAT'S BAD." [laughter]
47:48We're all constantly consumed by
47:49thoughts of our own mortality, right?
47:51Hello. Hello, guys. Is this relatable
47:54material? You know what it's like
47:55sometimes when you're out at a party and
47:56you're having a good time and you're
47:58suddenly crushed by an overwhelming wave
47:59of sadness? Is it occurs to you that one
48:00day everyone at that party, including
48:02you, will be dead? Hello? [laughter] Is
48:04this relatable material? You just had
48:07your head in your hands. [laughter]
48:09Is this relatable material? Some of you
48:11are looking at me with a look that seems
48:12to say, "This is not relatable at all."
48:14And I'll be honest with you, this is the
48:15first time it's occurred to us. The rest
48:17of you, like you are, are looking at me
48:18with a facial expression that seems to
48:20say, "Yeah, it is relatable, Nish." But
48:21it's the kind of thing we come to comedy
48:23to escape from.
48:25Listen, we're all consumed by thoughts
48:26of our own mortality. The second hardest
48:28thing about getting older is that people
48:30your age start dying. And that's
48:32happened to me this year. I'm 39 years
48:34old. I'm only at the start of that
48:35process, but this year people my age
48:36started dying. And when people your age
48:38start dying, you understand death is not
48:39some abstract thing. It's coming for all
48:40of us. And when you realize that, you
48:42know who you're most jealous of? People
48:43with strong religious belief. I'm not
48:45condescending to you if that's you. I
48:47genuinely think it must be amazing to
48:48have a belief system in place to process
48:50what happens after we die. But no one I
48:52know has religious belief anymore.
48:53Everyone's atheist or agnostic or like
48:54me. I'm a lapsed Hindu. One of my
48:56friends a lapsed Jew. One of my friends
48:57a lapsed Muslim. My best friend is a
48:59lapsed Christian. And he always says,
49:00"When I was a Christian, my life was so
49:02different." And I said, "How? give me
49:03one example. And he said, "Until I was 6
49:05years old, I thought Jesus was my best
49:07friend. Isn't that a nice thing?" And he
49:09said, "Now my life's so different." And
49:10I said, "Well, it's not that different
49:12cuz ultimately your best friend is still
49:13a charismatic bearded brown man who
49:16spoke in front of large crowds and did
49:18have some opinions that proved to be
49:19controversial in his lifetime." And he
49:21said, "I don't actually consider you to
49:23be my best friend." AND I SAID, "YOU
49:25WILL DENY ME THREE TIMES.
49:29[applause]
49:36I'm a cheeky little boy saying I like
49:39Jesus.
49:43That's the second hardest thing about
49:45getting older. The hardest thing about
49:46getting older is you have to do it with
49:48yourself. And no one [ __ ] warns you
49:50about that [ __ ] man. There's some young
49:52people in the front row. Let me tell you
49:53something that no one else is going to
49:55[ __ ] tell you, okay? Aging, here's
49:57all aging is. It's looking in a mirror
49:59and seeing the same stupid piece of
50:00[ __ ] make the same mistakes over and
50:02over again, year after year, and refuse
50:04to improve. And that audible intake of
50:07breath you can hear is everyone over 35
50:09observing the accuracy of that as an
50:11observation. And the only reason I'm
50:13warning you about it is no one else is
50:14going to tell you. Cuz you know what
50:15they're going to tell you? Oh my god,
50:16the hardest thing about aging is that
50:17you have to do it with SOMEONE ELSE. NO,
50:20THE HARDEST THING IS YOU HAVE TO DO IT
50:21WITH YOURSELF. PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY TO ME,
50:22"OH my god, it must be so hard for you
50:24because I've been in a relationship for
50:2613 years and occasionally people say,
50:27"Oh my god, that must be hard." LISTEN,
50:29IT'S NOT WITHOUT ITS CHALLENGES.
50:30SOMETIMES IT CAN BE hard to present
50:31yourself as a sexual prospect to someone
50:33who 4 hours earlier you said this to.
50:35Can you just check and see if it's a
50:36hemorrhoid? Like, that is hard. It turns
50:38out it wasn't. I was just wiping too
50:40hard, right? That is hard.
50:42[applause and cheering]
50:43But at the end of the day, I STILL LIKE
50:45my girlfriend. I don't like myself. I
50:48still enjoy spending time with my
50:49girlfriend. I still like talking to my
50:51girlfriend. I don't in low moments
50:52contemplate killing my girlfriend. I
50:54still enjoy sex with my girlfriend.
50:56Listen, I do still masturbate. But at
50:58this point, there's no sexual component.
51:00And it's purely a way of managing my
51:01anxiety. Every time I have masturbated
51:04in the last 12 months, the initial
51:06thought was, I'm going to die soon. I
51:07better knock one out. And that is the
51:10way it's going to be for the rest of my
51:12life, unless someone runs Brian Johnson
51:14over with their [ __ ] car. Please.
51:17[applause]
51:18The person I relate to most from all of
51:20human existence is, you know, in the
51:21ashes of Pompei, they just found one guy
51:24just on his back holding his dick. That
51:26is the most relatable person that has
51:29ever lived. And [laughter] occasionally
51:31scientists will say, "We can't know he
51:32WAS MASTURBATING. WE KNOW HE WAS
51:35MASTURBATING." WHAT COULD BE MORE
51:37FUNDAMENTALLY HUMAN THAN IN AD79 LOOKING
51:41OUT OF YOUR WINDOW AND SEEING A RIVER OF
51:43FIRE COME TOWARDS you and just thinking,
51:45"One more for the road.
51:48>> [applause]
51:53>> Oh, captain. My captain.
51:56[applause] And listen, I am thinking of
51:57ways to manage an anxiety disorder
51:59because I was diagnosed with one at the
52:00start of last year. When I was diagnosed
52:02with an anxiety disorder, my first
52:04thought was, I wonder where that came
52:05from. Then I had a conversation with my
52:07mother about the fact that my
52:09sister-in-law had just given birth to my
52:10nephew, my parents first grandchild. I
52:12said, "Mom, this is incredible. You're a
52:14grandma." She said, "Yeah, it is good,
52:15but on the other hand, it's another
52:16person I have to worry about dying." And
52:18I thought,
52:22[laughter] "That's where it's come from.
52:24The apple has not fallen far from the
52:25tree." A phrase that would cause my
52:27mother to say, "Apples fall from trees
52:28all the time. They're the silent
52:29killer." Now,
52:32now look, I'm trying to manage my mental
52:34health problems in the healthiest way
52:35possible. CUZ I CAN'T DO WHAT ALL MY
52:37friends are doing, which is just
52:38managing them by taking drugs. All my
52:41friends are just taking marijuana and
52:42magic mushrooms. And look, I know that
52:44these things have medicinal properties,
52:46but the reality is this. My friends did
52:48loads of drugs in their teen years, 20s,
52:51and early 30s when you're supposed to do
52:53them. I did [ __ ] all drugs and have a
52:55macro dose, so I can't now micro dose.
52:57They know what drugs are useful for them
52:58and what amounts they need to do in a
53:00way that's medically helpful. And I've
53:01done [ __ ] all drugs. Listen, I have
53:03smoked weed, but so much less weed than
53:06you think I have based on my haircut,
53:08beard, and taste in music. And apart
53:10from that, the only other drug I've
53:11taken is MDMA, which I've taken on two
53:13separate occasions at music festivals.
53:16The first time was in 2012. I was with
53:18my friend Liz. I thought, uh, Liz is
53:19going to take it. And then when she was
53:21taking it, she said, listen, okay, I'm
53:22not pressuring you to take this MDMA,
53:24but if you take it, I will look after
53:25you. And I thought, I've known Liz a
53:27long time. I really trust Liz. This is
53:29as good a time as any for me to try
53:30this. So, I took the MDMA. Within five
53:32minutes of me taking the MDMA, I WOULD
53:35SAY LIZ REGRETTED THAT offer more than
53:37any she has ever made in her entire
53:39[ __ ] life. Because within 5 minutes
53:41of me taking the MDMA, I was this close
53:43to her face and I was just saying, "LIZ,
53:47LIZ, IT'S NOT WORKING. [screaming] LIZ,
53:51IT'S NOT WORKING. LIZ, I THINK I'VE
53:54BROKEN DRUGS." I KEPT SHOUTING, "I THINK
53:56I'VE BROKEN DRUGS with my pupils the
53:59size of sauce pans." Imagine being in
54:02Liz's position and trying to come up on
54:04MDMA while a man who looks like a fire
54:06damaged wax work of comedian Jason
54:08Manzukus is repeatedly screaming the
54:10phrase, "I think I've broken drugs." And
54:13the second time I took it, I did have a
54:15better time, but only because my friend
54:16and girlfriend dusted it into my beer
54:18like giving a dog deworming medication.
54:21And apart from that, I have done no
54:22OTHER DRUGS. I HAVE NEVER TAKEN COCAINE,
54:25WHICH I IMAGINE WILL BE A GREAT SOURCE
54:27OF RELIEF TO EVERY single person in this
54:30room cuz no one has got to this point in
54:32the show and is thinking this guy needs
54:33to do some cocaine. I actually think he
54:35would benefit from talking faster and
54:36more intensely about himself, his
54:38opinions, and his emotions.
54:40Never taken cocaine, never going to. You
54:42can't start taking cocaine at 39. No
54:45story that ends well involves the
54:47sentence, "And at the dawn of his 40s,
54:49he embraced the cane." But when I said
54:52to my friend Matt, "I've never taken
54:53cocaine and I'm never going to." The
54:54only thing he said was, "With that nose,
54:57what a waste."
55:03[applause]
55:03[cheering]
55:06So, look, I'm trying to deal with these
55:08problems in the healthiest way possible.
55:10I'm doing so much therapy and it's GOING
55:13REAL BAD. OH, IT'S GOING BAD. BUT THAT'S
55:15NOT MY therapist fault. I need to make
55:16that clear. My therapist is an
55:17incredible person and a very, very
55:19qualified mental health professional.
55:20The problem is with me and the little
55:22thing I LIKE TO CALL MY PERSONALITY,
55:25RIGHT? My personality, the problem with
55:27it is that I'm an incredibly unfortunate
55:29combination of unbelievably anxious but
55:33also phenomenally arrogant. So, this is
55:36how my therapy process goes. She, a
55:38mental health professional with decades
55:40of experience, will say something to me
55:41out loud. I'll say, "Uh-huh." But in my
55:43head, I'll think, "I don't think that's
55:44true."
55:46[laughter] Then a month later, something
55:48will happen. I'LL THINK, "OH, YEAH. SHE
55:50WAS RIGHT. WHAT A PRO.
55:53Everything that's wrong in the way that
55:54I interact with my mental health journey
55:56can be found in events that take place
55:57between the end of January and the start
55:59of March last year. So at the end of
56:01January, she diagnoses me after about
56:03four years of working together with a
56:04generalized anxiety disorder. The next
56:07week, I come back to therapy and say the
56:08one sentence I imagine medical
56:10professionals must dread hearing the
56:11most from their patients. I have done
56:13some of my own research.
56:16And I said, "I've actually come to the
56:17conclusion that it's good to have a bit
56:19of an anxiety disorder because it keeps
56:21you aware of your immediate surroundings
56:23and the threats that might be contained
56:24in your vicinity." [laughter] And she
56:26said, "You have no understanding of the
56:28basics of this condition. What you are
56:30describing is a spidey sense from
56:32Spider-Man." [laughter]
56:35And she said, "Anxiety is not about
56:36being aware of the threats in your
56:38vicinity. It's being worried about
56:40things that have happened or will
56:43happen. If anything, it keeps you more
56:45vulnerable in the moment because you're
56:46never present in your body cuz you're
56:47worrying about things that have happened
56:49or will happen. And out loud, I said,
56:52"Uh-huh." And in my head, I thought, "I
56:53don't think that's true." Then 5 weeks
56:55later, at the start of March, I found
56:57myself off to New York for work. I land
56:58at JFK airport. I get a taxi back to my
57:00friend's flat where I'm staying. I get
57:01out of the taxi. I speak to my
57:03girlfriend for 10 minutes. And at the
57:04end of those 10 minutes, I say, "Okay, I
57:06better go inside and hang up the phone."
57:07As I hang up the phone, that is the
57:09moment that it occurs to me that I have
57:11left my [ __ ] passport on the seat of
57:15the cab. A cab that has long since
57:16disappeared into the New York night.
57:18Now, if my anxiety was keeping me aware
57:20of the threats in my lean, surely it
57:22would have been aware that the most
57:23crucial document in my possession was on
57:25the seat next to me where I placed it,
57:27unbelievably for safekeeping. But in
57:29reality, I was somewhat distracted,
57:30being very worried about a faux par I'd
57:32made at a drinks event in 2011. So I was
57:34not, shall we say, in my body.
57:37Unfortunately, the passport has gone.
57:40The grammar fans in the crowd will know
57:42that means it's become something that
57:43has happened. Therefore, it comes back
57:46into anxiety's purview and I start doing
57:48what everyone with an anxiety disorder
57:50in this room does, which is vibrate with
57:52rage and then immediately start beating
57:54the [ __ ] out of myself. At one point, I
57:56said to MY OWN REFLECTION, "WHAT'S THE
57:58POINT OF YOU?" [laughter] WHICH I THINK
58:00WE can all agree is an unhelpful
58:02overreaction. Then I thought, "Okay, I'm
58:04on my own in this apartment. I freaking
58:05out. I just need voices in the room. Let
58:07me just hit play on whatever the next
58:09podcast is on my podcast app."
58:11Unfortunately, the next podcast on my
58:12podcast app was an hour and a half long
58:14interview with John Oliver. And at one
58:16point, I sincerely thought, I bet John
58:18Oliver never loses his passport. And as
58:20if that wasn't insane enough, the next
58:22thing I thought was, "And this is why
58:23you'll never HAVE HIS CAREER." THAT'S
58:25NOT WHY. I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE JOHN
58:27OLIVER'S CAREER. I'M PRETTY SURE JOHN, A
58:29MAN WHO I've met once and have now
58:30immediately jumped to first-name terms
58:32with without consultation, has his
58:34career because of hard work AND TALENT,
58:37NOT BASED ON HIS ABILITY TO RETAIN
58:39DOCUMENTS. I'M PRETTY SURE THAT ONCE A
58:41YEAR JOHN Oliver is just walking down
58:42the road and someone jumps out and says,
58:43"Hey Oliver, where's your passport?" He
58:44says, "Right here." And they go, "Wow,
58:48HAVE ANOTHER EMMY." I'M PRETTY SURE
58:51THAT'S NOT HOW I don't know, but I'm
58:53pretty sure. So the next day I get up.
58:55My girlfriend, much calmer head in these
58:57kinds of situations, has found a UK
58:59consulate in New York who can issue me
59:00with a temporary passport. I'm going to
59:02have to go home immediately and lose a
59:04month's worth of work, but I am going to
59:05be able to get home. Now I swing open
59:07front door that block of flats and what
59:08greets me in the street is a little
59:10short of a miracle cuz stood directly in
59:12front of me is the taxi driver from the
59:14night before and he is holding in his
59:16hands my [ __ ] passport. [applause]
59:20Listen,
59:24if you're applauding that, wait until
59:26you hear what he did. Okay? So, this guy
59:28drops me off on the lower east side of
59:29Manhattan. I'm his last fair of the
59:30night. He drives an hour and a half back
59:32to where he lives in Jersey. When he
59:34finishes that journey, he does what he
59:35does at the end of every shift, which is
59:36clean his cab. He then finds my passport
59:39and doesn't do what any of us, including
59:41me, would have done under the
59:41circumstances, which is think, "Fucking
59:43hell. I'll deal with that in the
59:44morning." He got back in his taxi, drove
59:47back to where he had dropped me off,
59:49slept in his [ __ ] car for 2 hours,
59:52and then waited for me in the street for
59:5445 minutes. His name was Prince. To me,
59:57he will always be a king. And when he
59:59told me, [applause]
1:00:06when he told me what he had done, I
1:00:08said, "Prince, why did you do this? I so
1:00:10appreciate that you did this, but why
1:00:11did you do this?" Now some background
1:00:13thing you need to know about Prince is
1:00:14his family's Indian. He's from Punjab.
1:00:16My family is from Kerala. In the cab
1:00:18ride over, we talked at some length
1:00:19about our shared Indian ancestry and
1:00:21upbringing. So when I asked him why he'
1:00:22done it, he said this to me. At the end
1:00:24of the day, I thought, I'm Indian. This
1:00:26kid's Indian. I don't want an Indian kid
1:00:28running around New York without a
1:00:30passport. I know how scary that can be.
1:00:32And in that moment, yeah, I realized
1:00:34something genuinely profound. Racism is
1:00:36incredible when it benefits you.
1:00:39[cheering]
1:00:40Because based on the look in Prince's
1:00:42face, if that had been a white guy's
1:00:44passport, he would have immediately
1:00:45frisbeeed it into a New York City sewer,
1:00:48whipped the bandana off a ninja turtle
1:00:50while shouting, "That's for giving one
1:00:51of my jewels to that woman."
1:00:54>> [applause]
1:01:03>> And look, because this really isn't a
1:01:06character, I went on stage that night at
1:01:08a comedy club in New York and retold
1:01:10this story exactly as I've told it to
1:01:12you. Now, at this point, a woman asked a
1:01:14question. I think the only relevant
1:01:15question that's worth asking at this
1:01:17juncture, which is,
1:01:19>> did you pay him?
1:01:20>> Did you pay him? Yeah, absolutely. Thank
1:01:22you for asking that question. It is
1:01:23correct. Also, thank you for not asking
1:01:25the question 10 separate people have
1:01:26asked, which is, "Do you have ADHD?"
1:01:30I KNOW YOU [ __ ] [ __ ] have been sat
1:01:32there thinking that this entire story.
1:01:34The first time someone said it to me, I
1:01:35thought, "Rude." Then at the 10th time,
1:01:37I thought, "I should look into this."
1:01:40I said to my therapist, "Do you think I
1:01:41have ADHD or do you think everyone
1:01:42thinks everyone has ADHD now because of
1:01:44the internet?" Do you know what she
1:01:45said? Yes to both.
1:01:49And when I said why, she said, "Because
1:01:51I sent you a referral to an ADHD
1:01:52specialist a month ago, and you still
1:01:54haven't replied to the email."
1:01:59So, thank you uh for asking that
1:02:00question. And thank you for not asking
1:02:02the question a man in Raleigh, North
1:02:03Carolina asked me, which was which ninja
1:02:05turtle?
1:02:07[laughter] That [ __ ] definitely
1:02:08has ADHD. Also, of course, it was
1:02:10Leonardo. It's the funniest of his
1:02:12Leonardo.
1:02:13So, anyway, listen. Well, I I did I did
1:02:16give him money. I gave him $1,000. I
1:02:18went and got it out of a bank. I
1:02:19couldn't even go to an ATM. I had to go
1:02:21into a bank and speak to a [ __ ] human
1:02:23being. Like it was goddamn 1997. I went
1:02:26into the bank and I said, "Listen, can I
1:02:28get $1,000 out of my account? Here's my
1:02:30debit card." And the guy said, "Listen,
1:02:31for that amount, I'm going to need to
1:02:32see some photo ID." I said, "No
1:02:34problem." Cuz by that point, my passport
1:02:35was stapled to my [ __ ] hand.
1:02:38[cheering]
1:02:39I gave him $1,000. Now, let's not be
1:02:41crass about this, but let's be honest
1:02:43about it. You know how much you paid for
1:02:44a ticket? You can see this room is full.
1:02:47So, you know, it is no skin off my dick
1:02:49to give this guy a thousand. I've never
1:02:51said that before. I can't believe
1:02:53[laughter]
1:02:57I can't believe the filming is when I
1:03:00chose to ad live no skin off my dick.
1:03:05[laughter]
1:03:10Jesus [ __ ] Christ.
1:03:14It was truly no hair off my ball bag.
1:03:19Look, you could tell it's fine. You
1:03:21could tell it's fine for me to give this
1:03:23guy $1,000, right? You understand the
1:03:25maths. Now, what I would say is in a
1:03:27random New York City comedy club, there
1:03:29was less of an awareness of my financial
1:03:31situation or wider body of work. So,
1:03:33when I announced that I'd given this man
1:03:35$1,000, IMMEDIATE AUDIBLE suspicion
1:03:38broke out in the room as people just
1:03:40started loudly saying, "How did this man
1:03:41have access at that speed to $1,000 in
1:03:44cash? Is he a sultan? Is he a drug
1:03:46dealer? Is he one of the ones that owns
1:03:48MANCHESTER CITY?" THERE WAS HUGE
1:03:50SPECULATION.
1:03:52I heard the speculation, became
1:03:54defensive, AND FIND MYSELF SAYING, "I'M
1:03:56ACTUALLY VERY FAMOUS AT HOME." AT WHICH
1:03:58POINT, A WOMAN SAT right in the front
1:04:00row puts up her HAND AND SAYS, "I'M FROM
1:04:02ENGLAND AND I'VE NEVER HEARD OF YOU."
1:04:06[applause]
1:04:12SO, LOOK, I'm trying to deal with my
1:04:14mental health problems. I'm listening to
1:04:16my therapist sometimes A MONTH AFTER SHE
1:04:18TELLS ME THINGS, but I am listening to
1:04:20her. And she and I have been working
1:04:21together for nearly half a decade now. I
1:04:23initially started seeing her because I
1:04:25was behaving weirdly. That turned out to
1:04:27be symptoms of post-traumatic stress
1:04:28disorder due to a period of time where I
1:04:30was receiving death threats and was a
1:04:31subject of hostile articles in the
1:04:32right-wing press in this country because
1:04:34they said I was saying dangerously
1:04:35[clears throat] left-wing things. You
1:04:37know, like racism is bad and women are
1:04:39nice, you know, that sort of dangerously
1:04:41left-wing stuff. We dealt with the PTSD
1:04:44and now we're just going backwards
1:04:45through the timeline. Christopher
1:04:46Nolaning this [ __ ] Oenheimering
1:04:48this [ __ ] hopping around the timeline.
1:04:50We dealt with anxiety. We're going to
1:04:52get to depression. we will get to ADHD
1:04:54when I remember to reply to that email.
1:04:56But one of the first things she said to
1:04:58me was this. I said, "Listen, I'm having
1:04:59trouble sleeping. That's not an uncommon
1:05:01thing in my life. When there's something
1:05:02going on, I often am unable to sleep."
1:05:04And she said, "How much exercise are you
1:05:06doing per week?" And I said, "Eh,
1:05:08because I think exercise is [ __ ]
1:05:10boring. And I think people who talk
1:05:11about it with too much enthusiasm
1:05:12shouldn't be allowed to HAVE CHILDREN."
1:05:14I REALLY BELIEVE THAT. OKAY, LISTEN. I
1:05:16know that we want to pass on the genes
1:05:18of our healthiest people, but at what
1:05:19cost? the cost of interesting
1:05:21conversation.
1:05:23And I said this [laughter] to her and
1:05:24she said, "I don't care. I'm not opening
1:05:26a conversation with you about exercise.
1:05:28I'm telling you, you have to exercise
1:05:30for your physical, but also your mental
1:05:32well-being." And I was saying to my
1:05:34friend, "How the [ __ ] am I going to
1:05:34exercise? I'm [ __ ] bored of
1:05:36exercise." And he said, "Why don't you
1:05:37come and play football with us? My
1:05:38friends meet every Tuesday and play
1:05:39football." I said, "I love football, but
1:05:41I'm bad at it." He said, "We're all
1:05:42comedians. We're all bad at football, so
1:05:45come down." And I started going, and lo
1:05:47and behold, I [ __ ] loved it. For
1:05:49three years, I was doing 90 minutes of
1:05:51exercise per week. Now, I know that that
1:05:53is not enough, but that is an on average
1:05:55increase in my life of 90 minutes a
1:05:57week. Then, in the summer of 2023, I
1:06:00suffered a terrible sporting injury. I
1:06:02broke my little finger. Now, the
1:06:06that's NOT SUPPOSED TO GET A [ __ ]
1:06:08LAUGH.
1:06:09That's supposed to get like a little bit
1:06:11of sympathy from the audience that I
1:06:13THEN NO, DON'T PATRONIZE ME NOW.
1:06:17It was supposed to get sympathy and then
1:06:18I THROW THE SYMPATHY BACK in the
1:06:20audience's face when they find out the
1:06:22slapstick [ __ ] way I injured myself.
1:06:24BASED ON HOW MUCH PEOPLE LIKE YOU
1:06:25[ __ ] LAUGHED AT JUST me breaking my
1:06:27finger. When you find out how I DID IT,
1:06:29YOU'RE GOING TO SPONTANEOUSLY combust in
1:06:31a CLOUD OF JIZZ. OKAY, GET READY. WE'RE
1:06:34ABOUT TO LOSE AUDIENCE members because
1:06:37THE WAY I BROKE MY FINGER WAS THAT
1:06:38DURING A GAME OF FOOTBALL, I sat on my
1:06:41hand.
1:06:44[applause]
1:06:46OH, EVERYBODY'S [ __ ] EVERYWHERE. IT'S
1:06:48LIKE POMPEI UP IN HERE.
1:06:54I will [snorts] tell you the full story.
1:06:56Okay. I was playing football and I was
1:06:58in goal. Everyone has to go in goal for
1:06:5910 minutes. That's how the rules of five
1:07:01football work. No one likes it, but
1:07:02everyone does it. I'm playing in goal
1:07:03and my friend is bearing down on goal.
1:07:05He goes to shoot this way. So, I start
1:07:06to crouch down. At the last minute, he
1:07:08cuts across the ball. So, it goes across
1:07:09my body and I managed to flip my body
1:07:11weight in the opposite direction and
1:07:13save the shot with this boot. I WANT IT
1:07:15KNOWN THAT I [ __ ] SAVED the shot.
1:07:16Okay? And the reason I want it known is
1:07:18it was the high point of my sporting
1:07:19career that was followed by the low
1:07:21point of my sporting career because I've
1:07:23done so little exercise in my life. I
1:07:25think I've got some muscles I've never
1:07:26used. So, the speed of me DOING THIS
1:07:28CAUSED ME TO PULL A muscle in my neck. I
1:07:31FELL BACKWARDS LIKE THIS [screaming]
1:07:33AND THEN LANDED WITH MY FULL BODY WEIGHT
1:07:35ON MY LITTLE finger via my ass. I broke
1:07:39my little finger with my own ass, which
1:07:42doesn't even make sense because MY ASS
1:07:43IS THICK, JUICY, and delicious.
1:07:46However, I didn't realize that I'd
1:07:47broken my finger. This is a public
1:07:49service announcement. You have fewer
1:07:50pain receptors in your fingers and toes
1:07:51than you do in other parts of your body.
1:07:53So, if you think you have badly bruised
1:07:55your finger or toe, you have probably
1:07:57broken your finger or toe. Now, I did
1:08:00not realize this, so I was just
1:08:01plastering it up myself and going about
1:08:03my business. 3 days later, I find myself
1:08:04on the set of a television show. And a
1:08:06medic who's there for insurance purposes
1:08:08says, "Can I help you with anything
1:08:09medical?" I say, "Ooh, yes. Can you tape
1:08:11up my finger properly cuz it's badly
1:08:13bruised?" She takes one look at my
1:08:14finger and says, "That finger is
1:08:16broken." AND I SAID, "IT'S BRUISED." SHE
1:08:19SAID, "IT'S BROKEN." I SAID, "IT'S
1:08:21BRUISED." SHE SAID, "IT'S BROKEN." ARE
1:08:23YOU NOTICING A PATTERN emerging here
1:08:24with me and medical professionals? At
1:08:26one point, I said, "Listen, I know
1:08:27you're a medical professional, but at
1:08:28the end of the day, you're white. I'm
1:08:30Indian. Medicine comes naturally to my
1:08:32people." Okay, it occurs naturally in
1:08:35our bloodstream like medlorans and the
1:08:36force. And she said, and I don't think
1:08:38this is a textbook approved phrase, that
1:08:40finger is [ __ ] broken. And I went in
1:08:43search of a second browner opinion.
1:08:46Unfortunately, one was not available due
1:08:48to the fact that I was in a place called
1:08:49the aisle of white, which if you've not
1:08:53been is, as the name suggests, they are
1:08:56delivering on being an island of white
1:08:59people to the extent I think is where
1:09:00they make them. just assembling them in
1:09:03factories with Mumford and Suns blaring
1:09:04out over the PA system. So, everyone
1:09:06comes out that extra nice crusty white.
1:09:09So, I went to see a white doctor on the
1:09:10aisle of white who did a white X-ray on
1:09:12my brown hand and said, "Yeah, that
1:09:13finger is broken." It turns out the
1:09:15medical professional knows more than the
1:09:16man who drank his way to a joint honors
1:09:18degree in history and English
1:09:19literature. But then she said this,
1:09:21listen, when I say it's broken, that's
1:09:22actually a misnomer. What I mean is it's
1:09:24dislocated. Now, this is a good thing
1:09:26cuz it means it's an easier fix. All I
1:09:27have to do is pull it out and pop it
1:09:30back in again. I said, "Fantastic, doc.
1:09:32Let's get this show on the road. I need
1:09:34to be back on the set of this TV show.
1:09:35The people need entertainment." And she
1:09:37said, "Do you want any gas or air?" And
1:09:39I said, "Why? I'm not a [ __ ] prego."
1:09:41Because
1:09:43that's the thing about toxic
1:09:44masculinity. It flares up sometimes for
1:09:47no reason. It's like athletes foot of
1:09:49the very soul.
1:09:52And she said, "Do you want any pain
1:09:53medication?" AND I SAID, "LET ME
1:09:55SUMMARIZE THE EVENTS OF the last 3 days
1:09:57for you, DOC. I BROKE MY FINGER AND THEN
1:10:00HAVE JUST BEEN WALKING AROUND LIKE THIS
1:10:01THE WHOLE TIME WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING it
1:10:03was broken." WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU? IT
1:10:05tells you I've got a very high pain
1:10:07threshold. And then I fainted. I
1:10:10fainted, to be clear, NOT WHEN SHE
1:10:13PULLED ON MY FINGER. WHEN SHE TOUCHED MY
1:10:15HAND, THE [laughter] THOUGHT OF HER
1:10:17PULLING ON MY FINGER CAUSED MY BRAIN TO
1:10:19GO INTO IMMEDIATE SHUTDOWN MODE. I PASS
1:10:22OUT ON THE FLOOR OF A&E in the aisle OF
1:10:24WHITE AND THEN I learn something about
1:10:25myself. I learned that I'm arrogant on a
1:10:27subconscious level. I know that I am
1:10:30arrogant on a conscious level. Horrible
1:10:32to understand. It extends to my
1:10:34subconscious. As I found out when I
1:10:36attempted to style out a faint as soon
1:10:39as I regained consciousness, she did
1:10:41this. Mr. Kamar, Mr. Kamar, Mr. Kamar.
1:10:43And the first thing I said was, "May I
1:10:45help you?
1:10:49>> [applause and cheering]
1:10:51[laughter]
1:10:52>> AS IF SHE HAD INCONVENIENCED ME.
1:10:56[laughter]
1:10:56So then by this point I'd landed on the
1:10:58finger and broken it even worse. So I
1:11:00had to come home and get it operated on
1:11:02and now it bends like this. But apart
1:11:03from that it's absolutely FINE. NOW
1:11:05LISTEN, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE WHERE
1:11:07THIS BIT OF THE [ __ ] show ends. Then
1:11:10on the 1st of October last year in the
1:11:12middle of the UK leg of this tour,
1:11:14something happened. I was back playing
1:11:16in my regular game, Tuesday football,
1:11:17and I was running back into my position.
1:11:19I'm a defender. I'm a tremendous I'm a
1:11:21defender. I [laughter] was running back
1:11:23into my position and out of the corner
1:11:25of this eye, I can see that my friend is
1:11:26about to take a shot. I think he hasn't
1:11:28seen me. I could just spin my body this
1:11:29way, stick this foot out, and knock the
1:11:31ball out of his path and prevent him
1:11:32from taking the shot. Now, I am correct
1:11:34about all of these things. Spin this
1:11:35way, stick this foot out, knock the ball
1:11:37out of his path, prevent him from taking
1:11:38the shot. Here's what I don't prevent
1:11:40him from doing. Starting to take the
1:11:42shot. This man swings into the space
1:11:44where he thought the ball was and
1:11:45crashes studs first into the top of my
1:11:47foot. And all I can think in that moment
1:11:49is I don't think that is bruised.
1:11:53And I'm only telling you this acne
1:11:54because I consider this story to be one
1:11:56of great personal growth because what
1:11:57did I do? I immediately went to
1:11:59hospital. I went to hospital and had an
1:12:02X-ray done on my foot and the doctor
1:12:04came out and said, "Yeah, you've broken
1:12:06your toe." Now, when I say you've broken
1:12:07your toe, that's actually a misnomer.
1:12:09What I mean is you've dislocated your
1:12:11toe. Now, this is a good thing because
1:12:12it means it's an easier fix. All I have
1:12:14to do is pull it out and pop it back in
1:12:16again. And then she said, "Do you want
1:12:18any pain medication?" And I said, "I
1:12:20want every piece of pain medication you
1:12:22have in this hospital. Here's what I
1:12:25want you to do. Get all of it. Put it on
1:12:26a table. Split it in half. Take the
1:12:28first half. Shove it down my throat.
1:12:29Take the second half. Ram it up my ass.
1:12:31While we wait for those two groups to
1:12:32meet in the middle, I want you to inject
1:12:35me full of whatever killed Michael
1:12:36Jackson."
1:12:38[cheering]
1:12:40She said lidocaine will suffice.
1:12:43[cheering] She injects my foot with
1:12:44lidocaine. It goes numb. She pulls it
1:12:46out, pops it back in again. And then I
1:12:49had to wrap my foot in a bandage. And
1:12:50for the next month, I had to do show sat
1:12:53on that stool. Thus failing to fulfill
1:12:5550% of my job description as a stand-up
1:12:57comedian.
1:12:58[cheering]
1:12:59But then after that, it was absolutely
1:13:01fine. And initially, I was reluctant to
1:13:02tell either of these stories on stage,
1:13:04right? Cuz it doesn't feel consistent
1:13:06with my personal brand. This is not how
1:13:08you, my audience, the fuming disgruntled
1:13:10leftists, want me to have injured my
1:13:12neck, hand and foot, is it? You want me
1:13:14to have injured my neck cuz I was
1:13:15nodding too vigorously at Naomi Klein
1:13:17off headpiece. You want me to have
1:13:18injured my hand and foot cuz I was
1:13:20banging on the table while stamping on
1:13:21the FLOOR AND SHOUTING, "INJUSTICE IS
1:13:23BAD." BUT THEN I HAD TO think about it
1:13:24and I realized nothing other than these
1:13:26two stories could be more central to the
1:13:28core of my personal brand. Cuz
1:13:29ultimately, the summary of both is that
1:13:31I hurt myself quite badly by turning too
1:13:33enthusiastically to the left.
1:13:36>> [applause]
1:13:45[applause]
1:13:47>> So at the end of the day, it's on brand.
1:13:51So that's why I hate Brian Johnson.
1:13:54[laughter]
1:13:56Listen, I think fundamentally Brian
1:13:58Johnson and I are quite similar men,
1:14:00right? We're both incredibly anxious
1:14:02about death. Now, I'm [ __ ] up all the
1:14:04time. I'm not listening to my therapist
1:14:06and I'm breaking my bones with my own
1:14:08[ __ ] ass, but I am broadly trying to
1:14:10do the right thing, which is sort out my
1:14:11mental health. Now, I know that's
1:14:12something I can do because I have the
1:14:14financial resources to do it. But Brian
1:14:16Johnson is spending $2.5 million a year.
1:14:18Could he not divert some of those funds
1:14:20to speak to a mental health professional
1:14:22because if you don't deal with your
1:14:23mental health problems, you get [ __ ]
1:14:24weird. And he is getting [ __ ] weird.
1:14:27In January, he went on Twitter and
1:14:28posted two graphs. one measuring the
1:14:30strength and duration of his erections
1:14:32and the other measuring the strength and
1:14:34duration of his son's erections. Now
1:14:36listen, we're all against mass
1:14:38incarceration, but if someone came up to
1:14:39you in the street and said, "Hey, I just
1:14:41measured my son's dick." YOU'D SAY, "OH,
1:14:42JAIL. IMMEDIATE JAIL."
1:14:46But Brian Johnson is also evidence of
1:14:48everything that is going wrong in the
1:14:50world right now. Because the richest,
1:14:52most powerful people on this planet are
1:14:54interested in two things. Keeping
1:14:55themselves alive and keeping themselves
1:14:57rich. and they are willing to burn the
1:14:59planet we live on in order to do that.
1:15:01And they have found an alliance with
1:15:03white supremacists. There is an alliance
1:15:04brewing between deregulated capitalists
1:15:06and white supremacists. And you can see
1:15:08all of it in the Trump inauguration.
1:15:10Donald Trump being inaugurated as
1:15:12president of America. A beacon of hope
1:15:13to white supremacists all over the
1:15:15world. Who is in the front row of his
1:15:16inauguration? Jeff Bezos the CEO of
1:15:18Amazon. Mark Zuckerberg the CEO of Meta.
1:15:21Elon Musk the CEO of Tesla. Tim Cook the
1:15:23CEO of Apple. And Sund Pichai the CEO of
1:15:25Google. Oh, we must be so pleased with
1:15:27the representation.
1:15:29And what you see is everything that's
1:15:30going wrong with the world. An alliance
1:15:32between white supremacists and
1:15:33deregulated capitalists. They both want
1:15:35to smash the state. The white
1:15:37supremacists because they want to drag
1:15:38us back to the 19th century in terms of
1:15:40social progress. And the deregulated
1:15:42capitalists know that in that smash
1:15:43state, there is money to be made and
1:15:45there has to be money TO BE MADE. WHY
1:15:47ELSE WOULD ELON MUSK, a man who made his
1:15:49fortune selling electric cars, now be
1:15:51working for a president of America, so
1:15:52hostile to renewable energy that four
1:15:55weeks ago, he signed an executive order
1:15:57promising to boost the US COAL INDUSTRY.
1:15:59COAL? ARE YOU [ __ ] KIDDING ME? COAL.
1:16:02THE ONLY EXCUSE FOR OPENING A COAL MINE
1:16:04IN 2025 is if your plan is to do IT IN
1:16:07THE NORTHEAST OF ENGLAND AND YOUR PLAN
1:16:08IS TO OPEN THE COAL MINE AND THEN
1:16:10IMMEDIATELY CLOSE IT TO STIMULATE BOYS
1:16:12INTEREST IN BALLET IN THE REGION.
1:16:15>> [applause and cheering]
1:16:20>> and you were running some Billy Elliot
1:16:22[ __ ]
1:16:24And listen, every time I think about
1:16:25what's being done to us, I'm filled with
1:16:28rage. And I don't have any solutions for
1:16:30you. I just know that all of you are
1:16:31filled with rage. And I wanted you to
1:16:33know that you're not alone. And rage,
1:16:35conveniently, brings us to the final
1:16:37point on our set list tonight. And rage,
1:16:39luckily, is something I am quite the
1:16:42expert in. Feeling it? Sure. causing it
1:16:45absolute more. I am what's known as a
1:16:47rage top and a rage bottom. I am a rage
1:16:51verse capable of giving and receiving
1:16:53rage and enjoying both in equal measure.
1:16:56I've caused rage. Sure, I've read the
1:16:57death threats. I've read the articles.
1:16:59But I've also felt the purest rage
1:17:01possible. And I'm now going to tell you
1:17:02about the time I met a man called Boris
1:17:04Johnson.
1:17:05Now, just by the size of that reaction,
1:17:07I can tell I have oversold this story.
1:17:11To be clear, I did not in any way,
1:17:12shape, or form meet Boris Johnson.
1:17:15Here's what happened. In the summer of
1:17:162022, I was making a television program
1:17:18called Hold the Front Page with my
1:17:19friend Josh Whitikham as part of an
1:17:21outreach program I'm part of to get more
1:17:23white comedians on television and the
1:17:25men ones as well. Keep your women, give
1:17:26me your Whitams, your gamles, your
1:17:28acasters. These are the truly oppressed
1:17:29minority. The premise of the show was
1:17:31that Josh and I would go and work as
1:17:33local journalists at real local
1:17:34newspapers and try and get real articles
1:17:36in them. Sometimes we would succeed.
1:17:37Mainly though, we would fail. But the
1:17:39failure would be funny and it would do
1:17:40what we were intending to do, which is
1:17:42celebrate local journalists, local
1:17:44newspapers, and local communities. It
1:17:45was a positive show. Apart from one day
1:17:47in the summer of 2022, we're in the
1:17:49northwest of England in Blackpool. And
1:17:51out of nowhere, I get a call from my
1:17:52editor and she says this. Boris Johnson
1:17:54is coming here tomorrow. Now, to take
1:17:56you back to that time, I need to remind
1:17:58you of two things. He was still prime
1:17:59minister, but he was in the process of
1:18:00being washed away in a deluge of scandal
1:18:02that would eventually drive him from
1:18:04office. most notably that during the
1:18:05pandemic he violated his own lockdown
1:18:07regulations by having people in his
1:18:10[ __ ] residence. Right now, this was
1:18:12not a surprise to anyone who paid even
1:18:13the slightest bit of attention to Boris
1:18:15Johnson. He never should have ever have
1:18:16been allowed to be [ __ ] prime
1:18:17minister of this country. It's legally
1:18:19possible to describe him as being both a
1:18:21liar and a racist without
1:18:23[applause and cheering] any use of the
1:18:24word adjacent in our press because of
1:18:26the things that he has said and done.
1:18:27Also, OF COURSE, HE SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
1:18:28ALLOWED TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE [ __ ]
1:18:30COUNTRY. HE'S NOT IN CHARGE OF HIS
1:18:31GODAMN SPERM. AT ONE POINT in 2020, his
1:18:35Wikipedia page listed his number of
1:18:37children as being five or six like he
1:18:39was a French king from the Middle Ages
1:18:41or Gingis Khan.
1:18:44He never should have been in that
1:18:45position. He was in that position, but
1:18:47he was in real trouble. He hadn't been
1:18:48seen for a couple of days and out of
1:18:49nowhere he calls a press conference at a
1:18:51school in Blackpool and she says, "It's
1:18:53happening in this school on our patch,"
1:18:55the editor. And I say to her, "Oh my
1:18:57god, can we go?" She said, "I'll ask."
1:19:00She submits a formal request to 10
1:19:02Downing Street's press accreditation
1:19:04team for press passes for me and Josh
1:19:06Whitikham. The speed of the no she
1:19:09received [cheering]
1:19:11suggest the presence of my name on the
1:19:13Downing Street service had activated
1:19:14some kind of angry brown man alarm.
1:19:17Angry brown man beep beep beep. Get
1:19:19Johnson IN THE BUNKER. BEEP beep beep.
1:19:22And she said they've said no. And I said
1:19:24well I guess that's that. We'll have to
1:19:25cover a different story. And she said
1:19:26this to me. I thought you came here to
1:19:28be journalists.
1:19:30[laughter]
1:19:32I said, "What the fuck?" She said, "At
1:19:35the start of this week, you said we come
1:19:36here to do the job of journalists
1:19:38properly." I said, "That's absolutely
1:19:39true." And she said, "Well, journalism
1:19:40is a job that we do whether or not we
1:19:43have permission to do it, okay?
1:19:45Especially not when that permission is
1:19:46being sought by some of the people that
1:19:48we are supposed to be holding to
1:19:49account. We get turned down for
1:19:51trespasses all the time. That doesn't
1:19:52stop us from doing our job." So, I said,
1:19:54"What are we supposed to do?" SHE SAID,
1:19:55"HE CAN'T TELEPORT IN. GO DOWN THERE,
1:19:58stand by the entrance, shout a question.
1:20:00If he responds, that's a story. If he
1:20:01doesn't respond, that's also a story.
1:20:03And then she said this, "May I remind
1:20:04you that Woodward and Bernstein had had
1:20:06their White House press passes revoked
1:20:08when they broke the Watergate story."
1:20:10And that did make me say, "Okay, maybe
1:20:12pipe down, lady." Because this
1:20:14this is not Woodward and Bernstein. This
1:20:17is a [ __ ] and his talentless friend.
1:20:20Okay.
1:20:22But she said, "Listen, you said you come
1:20:24here to do the job." I said, "Yeah, we
1:20:25did. and we won't let you down. So the
1:20:27next day, Josh is driving us to the
1:20:29school where this thing is taking place
1:20:30and whilst we're being filmed on camera,
1:20:32he turns to me and says, "Nothing
1:20:35silly."
1:20:38Then they cut all of the cameras and he
1:20:39turns to me and says, "Don't do anything
1:20:41silly.
1:20:42He knows me. I'M A CHEEKY BOY."
1:20:46Get out of the car. The first thing I
1:20:47see is a police motorbike followed by
1:20:49two police cars, followed by an SUV with
1:20:51blacked out windows, followed by two
1:20:53more police cars and another police
1:20:54motorbike. And I realize that this is
1:20:55Boris Johnson's car. Now, I cannot nor
1:20:58will I ever be able to adequately
1:21:00explain why I did what I did next. But I
1:21:03started running
1:21:05at top speed at the prime minister's
1:21:08car. This is the only time I'll ever say
1:21:10this. If I'd been assassinated, it would
1:21:12have been at least partially my own
1:21:13fault. Josh, I think out of a sense of a
1:21:16preservation of his friend's life,
1:21:17starts running behind me as IF TO SAY,
1:21:19"THERE'S A WHITE GUY WITH HIM. DON'T
1:21:21SHOOT." THE cameraman is the only person
1:21:23who remembers we're making a TV show
1:21:25starts running behind us filming. The
1:21:26sound man who was fixing something on
1:21:28the camera and was now attached to IT
1:21:29HAS BEEN DRAGGED ALONG BEHIND HIM. AND
1:21:31THE FOUR OF US are just running in a
1:21:33line like a high-tech allmale Benny Hill
1:21:35tribute act. And at this point, I have
1:21:37no memory of the next 90 seconds of my
1:21:39life. Too much adrenaline in my body. My
1:21:41brain wasn't making new memories. The
1:21:42next thing I can remember is the doors
1:21:43of the school slamming shut in our face,
1:21:45locking Johnson and his entourage inside
1:21:47and me and Josh outside. And at this
1:21:49point, I turn to Josh and say, "Josh, I
1:21:50think I called him a piece of shit." And
1:21:53Josh says, "Are you kidding me?" And I
1:21:57say, "What do you mean?" By this point,
1:21:58the cameraman and the sound man have
1:21:59joined us. My friend Simon, the sound
1:22:01man, says, "Do you want to hear what you
1:22:02just said to the prime minister of Great
1:22:04Britain and Northern Ireland?" Cuz
1:22:06here's the thing, Hackne, I have been
1:22:08miked the entire time. I was wearing a
1:22:11professional sound recording microphone
1:22:13that was transmitting every single thing
1:22:14I was saying to sound recording
1:22:15equipment Simon was wearing on his hip.
1:22:18He hands me the equipment. He puts the
1:22:20headphones on me and all I can hear is
1:22:22my own voice and all I am saying is
1:22:25this. [screaming]
1:22:27[cheering]
1:22:28You can't.
1:22:31You [ __ ] [screaming] can't.
1:22:34[applause]
1:22:42From behind me, [cheering] I can just
1:22:44HEAR JOSH SHOUT, "NO, [screaming]
1:22:46LISH, NO."
1:22:49Watching his knighhood disappear
1:22:52like so many tears in the rain.
1:22:55[laughter]
1:22:56At one point, JOSH SAYS, "NE, ASK HIM A
1:22:59[screaming] QUESTION."
1:23:01[laughter]
1:23:04And the question I ASKED WAS, "HOW DARE
1:23:07[screaming] YOU?"
1:23:09[cheering]
1:23:14And the worst thing about it is he
1:23:16didn't hear me.
1:23:19Is there a better visual representation
1:23:21of the futility of what I've been doing
1:23:23for the last 15 years than screaming
1:23:26[ __ ] at a locked bulletproof door? And I
1:23:29was screaming it [ __ ] loud as well.
1:23:31The professional sound recording
1:23:32equipment has a screen that has a bar
1:23:34graph that goes up and down. And it's
1:23:36supposed to be different shades of green
1:23:37to denote everything being recorded is
1:23:39of an appropriate volume. This thing
1:23:41started flashing RED BECAUSE IT'S NOT A
1:23:43CHARACTER. I AM LIKE THIS ALL THE
1:23:45[ __ ] TIME. I AM THIS LOUD ALL THE
1:23:48[ __ ] TIME. I HAVE AN APPLE WATCH I
1:23:50CAN'T WEAR cuz when I wear it and laugh,
1:23:53it warns me I'm in an area of loud noise
1:23:55above 90 dibb to which prolonged
1:23:57exposure could cause damage to your
1:23:59hearing. And if that wasn't bad enough,
1:24:01TWO MONTHS AGO IN MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA,
1:24:03IN THE MIDDLE OF ONE OF MY [ __ ]
1:24:05STANDUP GIGS, A WOMAN'S APPLE WATCH
1:24:07CALLED an ambulance.
1:24:12She said, "I think it thinks I'm in a
1:24:14tornado."
1:24:20Eventually, the rest of our crew have
1:24:21joined us, including my friend Gavin.
1:24:23very nice man is the executive producer
1:24:24of the show in charge of the final edit
1:24:26who knows what you can and can't say on
1:24:28British television. So he approaches me
1:24:31and all I'm thinking is I don't think
1:24:32this is usable material because let's
1:24:34face it we as a nation we are c
1:24:36confident.
1:24:38Yeah I think that's fair to say us in
1:24:39Australia absolutely confident. We
1:24:42really are. America not so much. It
1:24:45turns out you can do a long routine
1:24:47about how you thought it would be good
1:24:48if their president had been assassinated
1:24:50and they go absolutely fine. But if you
1:24:51say [ __ ] too loudly, they go, "Hey, come
1:24:53on.
1:24:56We are [ __ ] confident." This [ __ ]
1:24:57confidence does not, however, extend to
1:24:59our broadcasters who get pretty antsy
1:25:00about the use of that word. So Gavin
1:25:02comes over to me and I say, "Well, I
1:25:03guess none of that's usable material."
1:25:05He then says a sentence that reminds me
1:25:07I don't have a real job. I know that I
1:25:09don't have a real job, but sometimes
1:25:11it's nice to be reminded as I was when a
1:25:13colleague in a completely appropriate
1:25:15workplace context was able to say the
1:25:17following phrase. Legally, we can bleep
1:25:19three [ __ ]
1:25:22Imagine if you went to work on Monday
1:25:24and someone just said that in a [ __ ]
1:25:26meeting.
1:25:28And the worst thing about it is he was
1:25:29completely correct. Sky, the broadcaster
1:25:31that carried the show in the UK, will
1:25:33let you say the word [ __ ] as long as it
1:25:35is bleeped. And even if it's bleeped, it
1:25:36can only be three times. So it went on
1:25:39TV. You can watch it on YouTube and Tik
1:25:41Tok literally right now. You see me
1:25:43running at Boris Johnson's car and you
1:25:44hear ME SHOUT, "YOU [ __ ] BEEP."
1:25:47But you know what I'm saying. If they've
1:25:50let the word [ __ ] be aired
1:25:52uncensored, but they've censored the
1:25:54next word. You know what the next word
1:25:56is. No one is watching that footage and
1:25:58THINKS I'M SAYING YOU [ __ ] LEGEND. NO
1:26:00ONE IS DOING THAT.
1:26:05SO, it went out on television and I
1:26:06watched it with my girlfriend and she
1:26:07said, "Listen, I know this whole thing
1:26:09now is it's not a character, but even
1:26:11for you, this is particularly you."
1:26:15She said, "Why are you so angry?" That's
1:26:17a question she gets asked all the time.
1:26:19It's a question I get asked all the
1:26:20time. It's a question I imagine a lot of
1:26:22you get asked all the time. And I know
1:26:24what I'm supposed to say as this thing
1:26:25draws to a close is this. Look, we need
1:26:28to find a way of being less angry. We
1:26:30need to find a way of talking to people
1:26:31that disagree with us politically in a
1:26:33way that's more respectful and less
1:26:34heated. And I do think that. But you
1:26:36know what? I also think part of the
1:26:38reason so many of us are so angry is a
1:26:40lot of [ __ ] up [ __ ] has happened in
1:26:42the last 25 years. And no one has been
1:26:44held responsible or even talks about how
1:26:47[ __ ] up it actually was. Man,
1:26:49[applause] in 2008, the financial sector
1:26:52bankrupted all of our countries after
1:26:54decades of their own bad behavior. We
1:26:56bailed them out and none of them did a
1:26:58[ __ ] seconds prison time and now none
1:27:00of them wants to pay their appropriate
1:27:01amount of tax. Iraq, Afghanistan, Gaza,
1:27:04three separate occasions. Bombs have
1:27:06been dropped on innocent children, some
1:27:08of whom, I'll be honest with you, look a
1:27:09[ __ ] of a lot like my little nephew.
1:27:11Okay? And if you don't punish wrongdoing
1:27:12when it happens, it has consequences.
1:27:14Look at what's happened in America. If a
1:27:16president tries to overturn the result
1:27:18of a free and fair election and then no
1:27:20one punishes him for it, he is free to
1:27:22run again and mangle reshape the
1:27:24democracy in his own autocratic image.
1:27:26And what Boris Johnson did to us, to our
1:27:28country, is something we should never
1:27:30ever be okay with. Right? 5 years ago,
1:27:33almost to the day, millions of parents
1:27:35across this country will have had to
1:27:37look in their children's eyes and say,
1:27:38"You are not allowed to go out." Because
1:27:40they understood in that moment that
1:27:41their children were less vulnerable than
1:27:43some people in society that needed
1:27:44protecting. And so the fact that the man
1:27:46who made those rules couldn't abide by
1:27:47them is something none of us should ever
1:27:49be okay with. Which is why I want to ask
1:27:50you a favor. I hope Hackne, you live
1:27:52long, happy, and successful lives. But
1:27:54if in the course of those long, happy,
1:27:56and successful lives, you find yourself
1:27:58in a room with Boris Johnson, then what
1:28:01I would ask is that you get this close
1:28:03to his face, like you're me trying to
1:28:05process an MDMA pill in 2012, must all
1:28:08the cultural confidence we have for
1:28:10using a particular word in our language,
1:28:12and finish the job I wasn't able to.
1:28:15>> [applause]
1:28:22[applause]
1:28:23>> Thank you so much. Now look,
1:28:29[applause]
1:28:30now listen.
1:28:33Thank you so much for being here. Uh,
1:28:36now there is one more bit of the show
1:28:38left to do. I have written some jokes
1:28:40about the things in my fridge
1:28:43[cheering] because I believe in showing
1:28:44willing. I want to respond to feedback
1:28:46as it's offered to me. Now, what I would
1:28:48say is that this is a bit of a creative
1:28:50departure for me. Okay? So, what I would
1:28:52ask is that you give me grace. Okay?
1:28:55Just give me grace. Creative departure.
1:28:58Don't do me like they did Dylan at
1:28:59Newport. Okay? Let's have a bit of
1:29:01[ __ ] grace in the room. Okay? Here's
1:29:03the first one of these jokes.
1:29:06Hey,
1:29:10I need a friendlier delivery system to
1:29:12deliver these jokes. I CAN'T DO THEM the
1:29:13same way I did the REST OF THE SHOW.
1:29:15SEINFELD DOESN'T GO AROUND GOING POP.
1:29:17THAT'S NOT HOW IT [ __ ] [ __ ] people
1:29:19don't understand anything about art.
1:29:21Hey,
1:29:26I was looking in my fridge the other day
1:29:28and I realized something. Mustard? Well,
1:29:30that's just hot sauce FOR WHITE PEOPLE.
1:29:33>> [laughter]
1:29:33>> GIVE me grace. [cheering]
1:29:37MUSTARD.
1:29:38[applause]
1:29:41Here's the second one. Hey, [laughter]
1:29:46I was looking in my fridge the other day
1:29:47and I realized something. The oven and
1:29:49the fridge are the original odd couple.
1:29:51One of them is a big hot box and the
1:29:52other's a cold boy.
1:29:55GIVE ME JESUS [ __ ] CHRIST.
1:30:00E2 brown lady.
1:30:03[laughter]
1:30:05[ __ ] me. Okay, those two didn't work.
1:30:08Okay, fine. Shake it off. This one
1:30:10though, this one is going to work like
1:30:11you wouldn't [ __ ] believe. Okay. Hey,
1:30:14[screaming]
1:30:16I was looking in my fridge the other day
1:30:17and I realized something. The contents
1:30:19of my fridge was on average 25% more
1:30:21expensive in January 2024 than it had
1:30:23been 2 years earlier.
1:30:25[applause]
1:30:30This increase is the result of a
1:30:31combination of supply chain disruption,
1:30:32global conflict, and the impact of
1:30:34climate change. It is exacerbated by
1:30:36wage stagnation since the financial
1:30:37crisis of 2008 and the pandemic of 2020.
1:30:39Luckily, I remembered that I spent most
1:30:41of the previous decade insulating myself
1:30:43against the worst effects of these
1:30:44sociopolitical problems by making jokes
1:30:46about them. It's something that makes me
1:30:47feel deeply ill at ease. By complaining
1:30:49that people my age cannot afford houses,
1:30:51I have bought a house with a [ __ ]
1:30:53fridge.
1:30:54I'm still sometimes unclear why I do
1:30:56this kind of comedy and why an assembled
1:30:58group of you plus some baffled plus ones
1:31:00comes to watch it. In difficult times, I
1:31:02sympathize more with people needing
1:31:03silly or escapist humor. It's essential
1:31:05to have comedy that provides escape or
1:31:07relief or is just about something
1:31:08relatable from your day-to-day life,
1:31:10like the contents of your fridge or
1:31:12sandwiches. My friends have, much to my
1:31:14chagrin, provided genuine comfort to
1:31:15people all over the world in some of
1:31:17their darkest moments, whilst also, to
1:31:18be fair, making millions of pounds from
1:31:20their stupid [ __ ] food podcast for
1:31:22[ __ ]
1:31:25Is this even good for me? That's a
1:31:26question I've asked myself repeatedly. I
1:31:28used to think comedy was like therapy,
1:31:30but then I went to therapy. [laughter]
1:31:32There's a romantic idea of standup that
1:31:34you get on stage, tell your truth, and a
1:31:35burden is lifted from yourself. I told
1:31:37my therapist this recently and she gave
1:31:39me a look that she gives me constantly
1:31:40that seems to say, "Is this guy worth
1:31:43the money?"
1:31:45She told me, "Not only is it not a good
1:31:47idea, it's actively bad for your mental
1:31:48health to repeat unprocessed experiences
1:31:50of trauma because you put yourself in a
1:31:52state of agitation by reliving something
1:31:53you've not properly contextualized." And
1:31:55out loud, I said, "Uh-huh." And in my
1:31:56head, I thought, "I don't think that's
1:31:57true." [cheering]
1:32:00The truth is that I loved and still love
1:32:01all kinds of comedy, but I've always had
1:32:03a strong affinity with comedy that makes
1:32:04light of serious subjects. When I was a
1:32:06kid, I was so scared of everything. And
1:32:08I started to go and see live comedy
1:32:10shows when I was 13 years old. The first
1:32:12one was in this room. I was sat right up
1:32:14the top in the back with my mom and dad
1:32:16and I dragged them here to watch a
1:32:18comedy show. And when the comedians
1:32:19talked about the things that scared me
1:32:21the most and turned them into jokes. I
1:32:22laughed along with other people and for
1:32:24a second I felt less alone and that made
1:32:26me feel better. However, sometimes I do
1:32:28see 13year-olds on my shows and I think,
1:32:30man, maybe that is too young to be a
1:32:32comedy show. If I'm honest, I'm more
1:32:35tense about the parents and their
1:32:36tension at the situation. I actually
1:32:38couldn't give a [ __ ] about the kids,
1:32:39those little [ __ ] turds. Of course,
1:32:41they're more thrilled than anyone. They
1:32:42get to go to school the next day and
1:32:44say, "Mom and dad paid for us to see a
1:32:45fat guy say [ __ ] for an hour and a
1:32:47half."
1:32:50Anyway, it helped me then and it helps
1:32:52me now. Don't get me wrong, I know my
1:32:53job is not essential, especially not in
1:32:55a society on the brink of climate
1:32:56collapse. I've seen the Mad Max films
1:32:58and there is no one in them doing my
1:32:59job, apart from, to be fair, this
1:33:01[ __ ]
1:33:07So that's why I did this show. Also,
1:33:09maybe I just want to represent South
1:33:10Asians who aren't happy that [ __ ] like
1:33:11Richish Sunnak and Cash Patel have
1:33:13become some of our most famous faces in
1:33:15the West. Or comedians unhappy that some
1:33:17of our most prominent voices have become
1:33:18flag wavers for misogyny, racism, and
1:33:20transphobia. Maybe it's because, if I'm
1:33:22honest, I'm entirely unable to do a
1:33:24different type of show because this
1:33:25really isn't a character. I've got no
1:33:27objective distance between my thoughts
1:33:29offstage and on and have simply, in the
1:33:31words of one of my cousins, monetized a
1:33:33personality disorder.
1:33:36[applause]
1:33:41Well, this joke about the fridge has
1:33:43definitely got away from me.
1:33:46I think it's fair to say you all pretty
1:33:47quickly realized this was never really
1:33:48about writing a joke about a fridge and
1:33:50instead about resolving the key thematic
1:33:51elements of the show as a whole. In
1:33:53conclusion, I hope you enjoyed it. If
1:33:55you didn't, you're racist. I'm sorry
1:33:58that you had to find out this way, but
1:34:00it is true. If you don't like my comedy,
1:34:03you are a racist. And if you've got a
1:34:05problem with that, me calling you a
1:34:06racist. Or indeed, if you've got a
1:34:07problem with anything I've said at any
1:34:09point in this entire [ __ ] show, DO
1:34:10YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR [ __ ] RACIST PIECE
1:34:12OF [ __ ] ASS CAN [ __ ] DO? EMAIL DAISY
1:34:15PBJMANAGEMENT.CO.UK.
1:34:18[applause]
1:34:20She'd love to hear [cheering] from you.
1:34:27Look, in the end, I think all I'm ever
1:34:29trying to do is make myself and you all
1:34:31feel less alone and less scared of the
1:34:32terror of what's around us and what is
1:34:34to come. And look, if you are scared,
1:34:36I'm scared, too. On Monday, the 5th of
1:34:38August last year, I had the worst panic
1:34:40attack of my life because of the news.
1:34:42I'd watched too much footage of racists
1:34:44writing in the streets of my country, or
1:34:45at least what I once thought of as being
1:34:46my country, and now I'm no longer sure.
1:34:48Instead of practicing what I'd learned
1:34:50in therapy, I tried to push through, not
1:34:52contacting my therapist and continuing
1:34:53to make myself tenser and tenser by
1:34:55talking about the riots every day on
1:34:56stage. Eventually, I remembered what my
1:34:58therapist had told me about
1:34:59retraumatizing myself and thought,
1:35:01"She's right again. What a pro."
1:35:04After that, I did some jokes about a
1:35:06situation I'd contextualized and
1:35:07processed, and I felt better. My mom
1:35:09keeps telling me not to worry. I say,
1:35:11"That's pretty [ __ ] rich coming from
1:35:12you, lady. Where do you think I get this
1:35:13[ __ ] from?" She said this to me, "N,
1:35:16this is a part of getting older. You're
1:35:18at an age now where you're starting to
1:35:19see bad decisions repeat themselves. And
1:35:21I know you're scared. I'm scared of the
1:35:23world my grandchild has just been born
1:35:24into. But you can't give up. In my life,
1:35:27I've come to the conclusion that there
1:35:28are always more good people than bad.
1:35:30And that is worth fighting for. And it
1:35:32was always going to be a fight. The
1:35:34powerful were never going to give up
1:35:35their power or their money without one.
1:35:37And as for these races, we've beaten
1:35:39them before. And we'll do it again. Do
1:35:41you think when I came to this country in
1:35:421973, I didn't see men like Elon Musk or
1:35:45Nigel Farage. Sometimes they're called
1:35:46Elon, sometimes they're called Nigel,
1:35:48sometimes they're called Donald, but
1:35:50they're always the same man. And then
1:35:51she said this, "Do you think it's
1:35:53unfamiliar for me to see footage of
1:35:54people on the streets in England
1:35:56chanting that they love Hitler?" And
1:35:58when she said that, I said, "Hitler?
1:36:02Do you mean the artists?"
1:36:08But I always turn to her for comfort
1:36:10because ultimately we're very similar
1:36:12people. One of the tragedies about
1:36:13parenting is that you look at your
1:36:14children and see only your negative
1:36:16qualities passed on and not the fact
1:36:17that everything good about your children
1:36:19is also because of you. Yes, I'm anxious
1:36:21because my mother is anxious, but I also
1:36:23care because my mom cares and in the end
1:36:24I know we'll die in the same way. Shot
1:36:26by police as I run at Boris Johnson and
1:36:28she does the same to Camila Parker
1:36:30Bolves. [cheering and applause] Hangy,
1:36:32thank you so much for being here. I hope
1:36:34you had a good time. See you next time.
1:36:36Thanks very much everybody. Goodbye.
1:36:40Heat. Heat. [applause]
1:36:42[music and cheering]
1:36:47[music]
1:36:51[applause]
1:36:55[music]
1:36:59[applause]
1:37:01[music] Feel
1:37:05like [applause] I've been found.

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