Narcissism at Work — Transcript

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1. 0:00[Music]
2. 0:04is it pretty common for someone to have
3. 0:06a boss who's narcissistic no it's so
4. 0:08common why is that well first of all
5. 0:10listen nor there's a clustering of
6. 0:13narcissism leadership it's not to say
7. 0:15all leaders are narcissistic not at all
8. 0:17however they are always going to quest
9. 0:20for that they want to be the bosses they
10. 0:22want to be the leaders and the qualities
11. 0:23they have often position them to not
12. 0:26only pursue it but end up there you know
13. 0:29that they're more naturally extroverted
14. 0:31and extroverted people end up as leaders
15. 0:33they are willing to break the rules to
16. 0:35become the leader they may throw under
17. 0:37people other people under the bus
18. 0:39they are very ambitious they can be very
19. 0:41political they're very charming with the
20. 0:44right people I mean all those traits of
21. 0:46narcissism that draw sended for example
22. 0:48romantic relationships with them
23. 0:50actually do well by them in terms of
24. 0:52workplaces and they do they hope they'll
25. 0:54put in whatever they need to do to get
26. 0:56to the top so there's actually you you
27. 0:58are not you're not unlikely to have at
28. 1:01least once in your career a narcissist
29. 1:03as a boss what would the signs be that
30. 1:06your boss might be a narcissist or have
31. 1:08narcissistic traits there's different
32. 1:10manifestations of narcissistic bosses I
33. 1:12mean obviously the most sort of
34. 1:14classical obvious one is the one who
35. 1:15screams and BER eats their employees and
36. 1:18makes unreasonable demands and doesn't
37. 1:20pay them enough and and then berates
38. 1:23them and all that that's your sort of
39. 1:25classical narcissistic boss is abusive
40. 1:27and awful boss narcissistic bosses can
41. 1:31also love bomb and by that I mean they
42. 1:33bring you in you're the best you're the
43. 1:35greatest love you're great and then
44. 1:36before you know it there's a new
45. 1:38anointed person and you've been
46. 1:40forgotten and if anything you're kind of
47. 1:42viewed as a lackey and they dismiss you
48. 1:44and discard you narcissistic bosses have
49. 1:47also been known to overpay their
50. 1:49employees and by their loyalty and once
51. 1:51they do that it makes it really hard for
52. 1:53people to leave because they're thinking
53. 1:55making so much money and it's but but
54. 2:00they're suffering in a toxic workplace
55. 2:02and there's a point at which a person
56. 2:03says there's not enough money in the
57. 2:05world for this but they can often kind
58. 2:07of keep their inner core so either
59. 2:10perks like a really well-stocked work
60. 2:13place or travel or things like that or
61. 2:16paying them much more than they're
62. 2:18actually worth and more than they'd get
63. 2:20in a similar position elsewhere
64. 2:23narcissistic bosses are also really good
65. 2:25at creating chaos in the workplace and
66. 2:27what that means is some people are on
67. 2:28the inside some people are on the
68. 2:30outside there's a lot of infighting
69. 2:33there's a lot of backstabbing it's kind
70. 2:35of exciting you know and it's also
71. 2:37really perverse and it's really dark but
72. 2:40it's definitely when you're in it it
73. 2:42becomes all absorbing and I honestly
74. 2:44think of those chaotic narcissistic
75. 2:46workplaces as sort of like a
76. 2:48narcissistic family scapegoats and
77. 2:51golden child and triangulation and
78. 2:53trying to fight for position
79. 2:55narcissistic leaders love chaos because
80. 2:57it gives them even more power it tend to
81. 2:59be power-hungry and so yeah you're very
82. 3:01likely to have one no matter what over
83. 3:03time it's always going to take a toll on
84. 3:05you it really depends on how long you
85. 3:07sort of stay in the narcissist good
86. 3:09graces how long you can handle watching
87. 3:11other people suffer in that workplace
88. 3:13and narcissistic bosses often have such
89. 3:17a bad judgment that often they're the
90. 3:19ones who bring down the whole ship and
91. 3:21then you're part of something really
92. 3:22awful as a whole company or government
93. 3:25or university or something starts to
94. 3:28collapse in on itself I was in a
95. 3:30narcissistic work environment and it and
96. 3:34I didn't realize how isolated it was
97. 3:36until I left that job and when I left I
98. 3:39was like wow that's like a whole other
99. 3:41world over there yeah and I had
100. 3:43forgotten that over here the real world
101. 3:45was happening but I was so consumed with
102. 3:47the drama and the everything going yes
103. 3:50it is over that's the chaos it's also at
104. 3:53the core of it narcissistic workplaces
105. 3:55are deeply invalidating you're you're
106. 3:57not even noticed for what you do it's
107. 3:59almost like people do can't don't get
108. 4:01noticed for the quality of their work or
109. 4:03the volume of their work their notice
110. 4:05for other things that are toxic like
111. 4:06who's sort of the most charismatic and
112. 4:09the most charming and who can play the
113. 4:11game best and so it feels like a really
114. 4:13really almost like an upside down
115. 4:16universe where you're not the things
116. 4:18that should matter in the workplace like
117. 4:19productivity or excellence don't seem to
118. 4:22matter so what do I do when I'm in
119. 4:26job that I really do love the work yeah
120. 4:28where I have my dream job or I have to
121. 4:31stay there because I got three kids many
122. 4:32of the money but my boss is a narcissist
123. 4:34how do I manage that it's a tough one
124. 4:36because it's some level I always tell
125. 4:39people your boss may very well outlast
126. 4:42you unless they make a huge mistake and
127. 4:45they're removed right but I tell people
128. 4:47it's the usual stuff you've got to have
129. 4:49realistic expectations they're probably
130. 4:51not gonna be your champion you they may
131. 4:53have seduced you to think that's going
132. 4:55to be the case you almost have to wait
133. 4:56for the disappointment that when that
134. 4:58promotion comes up you're gonna be
135. 5:00overlooked and that can be devastating
136. 5:01for people the key issue though is that
137. 5:05people have to remember that sometimes
138. 5:08these narcissistic workplace situations
139. 5:10can escalate to the point where you need
140. 5:13to go to HR or you might even need to
141. 5:15take legal action you can't do a thing
142. 5:17unless you have documentation every time
143. 5:21you start a new job assume the worst is
144. 5:23gonna happen save every email save every
145. 5:26everything that's in writing save put
146. 5:29things in writing document meetings
147. 5:31because that's all you're gonna have if
148. 5:34all of this falls apart and so I think
149. 5:37people go to HR and say my boss is a
150. 5:39narcissist and HR is gonna look at you
151. 5:41and say what am I supposed to do with
152. 5:43this right you know but if you say these
153. 5:45are emails I received and they're toxic
154. 5:47and they're abuse over these are text
155. 5:49messages or here's a call log of calls I
156. 5:51received in the middle of the night one
157. 5:53after the other HR can do something with
158. 5:55that an attorney can do something with
159. 5:58that and so I think a lot of people seem
160. 6:00to think that they could waltz in
161. 6:01somewhere and magically say I have a
162. 6:02narcissistic boss don't I have a lawsuit
163. 6:04not necessarily right so a lot and a lot
164. 6:07of narcissistic supervisors get away
165. 6:10with it so for many people it's
166. 6:11devastating they're actually genuinely
167. 6:13traumatized by these situations in fact
168. 6:16workplace stress has been in repeated
169. 6:19research studies being the type of
170. 6:21stress that's most linked to physical
171. 6:25illness and sleep disruption because
172. 6:27people will often wake up in the middle
173. 6:28of the night ruminating about this work
174. 6:30situation and can't go back to sleep
175. 6:32and oftentimes it's these narcissistic
176. 6:34toxic bosses workplaces that are a huge
177. 6:38contributor to that
178. 6:39so it is about documenting everything
179. 6:42it's about trying to avoid ever being
180. 6:44alone with that narcissistic boss if
181. 6:46that's possible other people in the room
182. 6:48don't get in an elevator with them try
183. 6:50not even be in the restroom with them
184. 6:51because they're always going to do their
185. 6:53dark arts when they can't be spotted and
186. 6:56so you really want to try to manage that
187. 6:58as well as possible be careful if you
188. 7:00decide to do a new job search don't do
189. 7:03it on company computers because that can
190. 7:05be found out be very very careful
191. 7:07because you might have to leave very
192. 7:08quietly they find out you're looking for
193. 7:11other work they'll view that as a disk
194. 7:13as a disloyalty and they may even try to
195. 7:15stop your escape the fact is is that
196. 7:19this situation may not get better and
197. 7:22many times the narcissistic boss is
198. 7:24surrounded by what I call their
199. 7:26narcissistic minions they're the people
200. 7:28who are just sort of like the flying
201. 7:30monkey so who will sort of protect the
202. 7:33narcissist they know these people I know
203. 7:35these people they they're they rally
204. 7:37around they're all kind of begging for
205. 7:39the scraps maybe I'll be the one who's
206. 7:42promoted and they'll often be the ones
207. 7:44who are even willing to take the fall
208. 7:46they have an almost cult-like admiration
209. 7:48of this charismatic narcissistic leader
210. 7:50they're gonna outlast you and they're
211. 7:52also gonna throw you under the bus yeah
212. 7:54so this isn't just about a narcissistic
213. 7:55boss narcissistic bosses beget
214. 7:58narcissistic workplaces full of toxic
215. 8:01co-workers so you constantly have to be
216. 8:03watching your back monitoring
217. 8:06documenting having clear boundaries
218. 8:08trying to engage in some form of self
219. 8:11care so you don't get sick right and
220. 8:13quietly and stealthily perhaps look for
221. 8:15other work there are certain industries
222. 8:18out there like entertainments are great
223. 8:20and in LA right it's that that's the
224. 8:22that's the the cottage industry
225. 8:24everybody wants to be in the game and
226. 8:26people will say I will endure anything I
227. 8:30want to do this and they'll have
228. 8:31horrible directors producers studio
229. 8:35heads network executives just each one
230. 8:38more narcissistic than the next and
231. 8:40people think but-but-but I want to do
232. 8:42this I want to be in this business has
233. 8:43been my childhood dream and then at some
234. 8:45times it just kills the dream for them
235. 8:47sometimes I would say you might do
236. 8:49better maybe even taking a less good
237. 8:52paying gig or finding some other way of
238. 8:54being in that industry because being in
239. 8:57a toxic workplace can really take the
240. 8:59love out of the game mm-hmm no matter
241. 9:01how much you enjoy it but like you said
242. 9:03Kyle just simply doing that work in
243. 9:05another arena you're reminded that
244. 9:07there's this whole other world out there
245. 9:08and it's healthy and it's good and you
246. 9:11may not get paid as much or it may not
247. 9:13be as exactly the job but it allows you
248. 9:15to keep doing the thing that you may
249. 9:17like doing right right now I know we're
250. 9:20talking about bosses but can we quickly
251. 9:22discuss if you have co-workers or SSA
252. 9:25that's not uncommon you know it's
253. 9:26interesting because sometimes people
254. 9:28will say well if you have narcissistic
255. 9:30coworkers but your boss is okay wouldn't
256. 9:32the boss see it not necessarily
257. 9:34narcissistic coworkers are masterful at
258. 9:38really sort of massaging and admiring
259. 9:41and being on their best behavior for the
260. 9:43boss mmm but then treating other people
261. 9:45horribly mm-hmm and if you're the one
262. 9:48who runs to the boss and you almost
263. 9:49sound like a tattletale yes because the
264. 9:51boss may actually think that this person
265. 9:53is great and bosses may not have the big
266. 9:56line-of-sight that allows them to see
267. 9:57how the rank-and-file are all treating
268. 10:00each other and so narcissistic coworkers
269. 10:03can impede your progress within the
270. 10:05organization spread lies and rumors and
271. 10:08gossip literally undermine you steal
272. 10:11your ideas pitch your ideas as if
273. 10:14they're they belong to the narcissistic
274. 10:16person I mean it can go really really
275. 10:19dark and so a narcissistic co-worker
276. 10:21could actually derail your career as
277. 10:23much as a narcissistic boss can you
278. 10:25can't underestimate that same rules
279. 10:27apply you've got to dock more you got it
280. 10:30and another piece of advice is you got
281. 10:32to remember stuff that sits on a company
282. 10:35server belongs to the company as you
283. 10:38start accumulating these emails you may
284. 10:40need to get in the habit of printing
285. 10:42them out and keeping them in a folder
286. 10:44like a file folder paper folder outside
287. 10:47of there keep taking them to work it
288. 10:49does seem like a lot of work to do that
289. 10:51but it is its own part of your job if
290. 10:54you're ever gonna have to protect
291. 10:55yourself it may not even because you're
292. 10:57going to file a lawsuit or a complaint
293. 10:59or a grievance it may simply be because
294. 11:02you need evidence that this was your
295. 11:04idea so you may end with
296. 11:06good faith share this idea and when that
297. 11:08comes up in a meeting that gets tricky
298. 11:10make sure you have clearly time-stamped
299. 11:12evidence that this is when this idea was
300. 11:14developed there did the the timing
301. 11:17doesn't work out so but unfortunately
302. 11:19narcissistic coworkers are really good
303. 11:21at infiltrating the leader manipulating
304. 11:24them winning them over and sometimes
305. 11:26those systems cannot be permeated and
306. 11:28you may have to leave understood well
307. 11:31we've talked a lot about narcissism in
308. 11:33this series is there anything we haven't
309. 11:35touched on that you think we need to
310. 11:36touch on for all of these kinds of
311. 11:39relationships for how different they are
312. 11:40that how different the architecture is
313. 11:43how they begin how they can end the
314. 11:46rules remain the same realistic
315. 11:49expectations radical acceptance don't
316. 11:52over engage
317. 11:53don't waste time defending and
318. 11:55explaining set boundaries I mean all of
319. 11:58it is really about your mental
320. 12:00preparation for these engagements and
321. 12:03whether or not you want to stick it out
322. 12:05or not and then figure out if you're
323. 12:07going to stay what that looks like if
324. 12:09you're gonna leave what that's going to
325. 12:10look like what are the ramifications and
326. 12:12what's your endurance for this different
327. 12:15situations are much more toxic than
328. 12:16others and again like I said I really
329. 12:18get at this in this new book of mine
330. 12:19don't you know who I am because this is
331. 12:22a this is a big the these kinds of
332. 12:24different relationships do require
333. 12:26different techniques so even though the
334. 12:27top notes are the same the way you
335. 12:29execute them the way you communicate
336. 12:32with a narcissistic toxic boss is going
337. 12:34to be very different with how you're
338. 12:36going to communicate with a narcissistic
339. 12:37mother right
340. 12:39so it's although again it's maybe it
341. 12:41realistic expectations but what that
342. 12:43means is going to be quite different got
343. 12:45it well I just want to say that I think
344. 12:47you are enough and may not matter very
345. 12:51much but there it is thank you and I
346. 12:54want to thank you guys for watching this
347. 12:56series and remember that dr. Romani has
348. 12:57many more series on narcissism at Med
349. 13:00circles so make sure you check those out
350. 13:02as well and of course remember whatever
351. 13:05you're going through you got this thanks
352. 13:07for watching check out the links below
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362. 13:25[Music]