YT YouTube2Text

YouTube2Text → Transcripts → Narcissism Alert: Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

Narcissism Alert: Red Flags You Should Never Ignore — Transcript

by Kait Willett · 6,038 words · 916 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

Open in transcriber Summarize with AI Download SRT/VTT

Full transcript

0:00being in a relationship with a
0:01narcissist is [ __ ] heartbreaking
0:03giving your heart to somebody only to
0:04have them break you over the coals and
0:06by the time you're back on your feet you
0:08have no idea what just happened
0:09wondering how you got here and how in
0:11the world do you get back to what was
0:13because what nobody wants to tell you is
0:15that dating a narcissist is [ __ ]
0:17amazing until it's not but I want you to
0:19know how do you know if you're dealing
0:21with a narcissist and how would you spot
0:22one so that you can avoid falling into
0:24the Trap according to psych Central
0:26approximately 5% of the population has
0:28narcissistic personality disorder while
0:30social media will tell you that anybody
0:31who's got an ego is charming entitled or
0:34arrogant is a narcissist so what is it
0:36that separates somebody who's a little
0:38bit more controlling or egotistical from
0:39an actual narcissist well if you stick
0:41around for the entire video I'm going to
0:43tell you five really important things
0:45that you need to understand about
0:46narcissism that will not only help you
0:48understand and identify a narcissist and
0:50avoid the pain of going through
0:52something incredibly toxic but at the
0:53end I'm going to give you three tests to
0:55run to make sure that the person that
0:56you're dealing with isn't setting you up
0:58for an uncontrolled roller coaster right
1:00now the first thing I need to address is
1:02the cost of dealing with a narcissist if
1:04you've experienced one especially as a
1:06child it likely shaped or entirely
1:08warped your sense of identity and if
1:10you've been with a narcissist in
1:11adulthood well I don't have to tell you
1:13how that experience stole you from
1:15yourself what's worse is after dealing
1:17with a narcissist you've probably got so
1:19much guilt and shame and you feel bad
1:20for discussing the toxic situation that
1:23you found yourself in and because
1:24they've beaten you down slowly over time
1:26like death by a thousand paper cuts you
1:29look in the mirror and you see someone
1:30that you no longer recognize nobody
1:32talks about how being with a narcissist
1:34still your ambition your focus your
1:36drive your passions and your zest for
1:38Life leading you to feel like your time
1:40and the light that was within you was
1:42entirely wasted and you can't get that
1:45back meanwhile the narcissists just kept
1:47on thriving and because they're so
1:49captivating and Charming publicly nobody
1:51believes you when you tell them what it
1:53was like buying clothes doors what I
1:54need to emphasize here is that there is
1:56a cost to a narcissist on someone else's
1:58life the cost is created a person that
2:00no longer believes in themselves the
2:02cost is giving up on your path of
2:04Education or never pursuing a dream that
2:05you once had so we never got to see the
2:07work the product the art or the magic
2:09that you would have created that you
2:11should have created not to mention not
2:14getting to be who you wanted to be as a
2:15mother as a wife or as a friend it's the
2:18person who knew what they wanted to be
2:20they had a very strong sense of identity
2:22and they ended up choosing something
2:23else because they knew the only way that
2:25they could be loved was to be what that
2:27person demanded of them it's the person
2:29who was an absolutely glorious human
2:32being lovely empathetic funny kind and
2:34warm but feels damaged after years of
2:37being told you're not enough you're
2:39selfish you're greedy you're foolish
2:41it's your fault you're the problem and
2:43they get into a relationship after
2:44relationship that duplicates that theme
2:46never getting real compassionate
2:48intimate love that they deserve because
2:50after years of narcissistic abuse they
2:53don't believe they deserve it and that
2:55is just the top of the iceberg which
2:57brings me to my next point the question
2:59of whether whether narcissism is a
3:00personality disorder or a normal
3:03personality trait involves two separate
3:05issues the first is the one that most
3:07people will consider when questioning
3:09what narcissism is is it something
3:11somebody does or doesn't have or is it a
3:13function that operates on a spectrum
3:15meaning is there variance between
3:17somebody who's a little bit narcissistic
3:19moderately narcissistic and extremely
3:21narcissistic and everything in between
3:23now it doesn't seem contradictory to
3:25think that narcissism operates on a
3:27spectrum even in healthy non-disordered
3:29individuals but there is a point in
3:31which it becomes extreme and Incredibly
3:33toxic however identifying that specific
3:35point when it becomes toxic or extreme
3:38is something that's contentious within
3:40the dialogue in my experience working
3:42with different psychologists it seems to
3:43be that they agree that narcissism
3:45occurs on a spectrum and the severity or
3:47presence of narcissism can function on
3:50subclinical levels I think it's best
3:52understood as a dynamic of different
3:54personality traits that exists on a
3:56Continuum and at the high end of the
3:57Continuum it can become incredibly
3:59disordered so extreme in fact that it
4:01interferes with normal healthy
4:03psychological functioning and is
4:05entirely toxic to the people that
4:06encounter them now there's another
4:08really important element that we have to
4:09address which is what exact personality
4:11traits are we considering when we're
4:13looking at narcissism because it's so
4:14complex and personality really is
4:17difficult to measure there's lots of
4:18different dimensions that we have to
4:20look at underneath this most people seem
4:22to agree that grandiosity for example or
4:24believing that you're better than
4:25everybody else entitlement believing
4:27that you deserve special treatment and
4:29arrogance are Central facets of
4:31narcissism and these traits are key
4:32whether we're talking about narcissism
4:34as a clinical disorder or as a
4:36personality trait if somebody is highly
4:38confident and assertive but not
4:39grandiose or entitled are they
4:41considered narcissistic this question I
4:43bring because it is critical when we
4:45look at the research around narcissism
4:47but the inclusion of these things can
4:49skew some of the findings and if I'm
4:51being completely honest it can make
4:53narcissism look less severe than it
4:55actually is so my personal take on
4:56narcissism is a more specific criteria
4:59being focused on is better aligned with
5:01what we're looking at when it comes to
5:02the toxicity of dealing with a
5:04narcissist focusing on the core traits
5:06like grandiosity manipulation
5:08entitlement arrogance and gaslighting
5:10but not including more normative traits
5:12like confidence and assertiveness
5:13provides much more clarity around the
5:15definition of what we're talking about
5:16when we're talking about a narcissist
5:18more importantly it actually categorizes
5:20true narcissists from everybody being a
5:23narcissist which brings me to my next
5:25Point are there different kinds of
5:26narcissists what makes narcissism so
5:29comp Lex is that it's not a one siiz
5:31fits-all thing it comes in its own
5:33different flavors and this can make it
5:34really difficult if you're trying to
5:36figure out if you're dating a narcissist
5:37while your friend might be dating a
5:38narcissist but the way that they present
5:40themselves or the way that their
5:41narcissism manifests is entirely
5:43different when we talk about narcissism
5:45we tend to think of the most obvious
5:47type the grandiose narcissist grandiose
5:49narcissists are arrogant pretentious and
5:51lack empathy they have high levels of
5:53self-importance and are constantly
5:55seeking attention interestingly to note
5:57though they tend to be highly successful
5:59uccessful people because while they have
6:01these grandiose dreams they also pair
6:03that with work ethic to make these
6:05dreams come true and they hustle to turn
6:07these fantasies into reality vulnerable
6:09narcissists on the other hand though are
6:11more passive aggressive and they feel
6:13victimized they are stolen resentful and
6:16often feel grieved and tend to have this
6:18Failure to Launch element about them
6:20these individuals feel entitled to their
6:22dreams coming true but don't feel like
6:24they should have to work for anything
6:26they often struggle with social anxiety
6:27and tend to lack the Charisma in charm
6:29that their grandiose counterparts have
6:31now malignant narcissists are the most
6:33severe and harmful type they exhibit the
6:36standard narcissistic traits but also
6:38engage in heavy-handed manipulation
6:40coercion and exploitation these
6:42relationships can be incredibly
6:44unsettling sometimes involving or
6:45threatening physical violence and that
6:47threat of physical violence is always
6:50kind of lingering in the atmosphere
6:52around a malignant narcissist now
6:53another form of narcissism is the
6:55communal narcissist and in this model
6:57they're still motivated by all of the
6:59other things attention admiration Praise
7:02And they also have a lack for empathy
7:04that is a consistent underpinning of any
7:06type of narcissist but the way that
7:08these people get their admiration and
7:10validation is through being perceived as
7:12a hero or savior so these people go out
7:14into the world and do these good things
7:16but frame it as look at me I'm doing all
7:18this great stuff I'm helping the people
7:20and they very well may be doing these
7:22things raising money supporting a
7:24nonprofit on a weekend cleaning the
7:26beach in their bikini making sure they
7:28look great so they can post it on the gr
7:30you get what I'm saying but it's all a
7:31form of driving a certain perception
7:33because that's how they get their
7:35validation however they can get very
7:37angry when they don't receive the
7:39anticipated amount of validation by
7:41doing their good deeds and this can make
7:43them very angry and very resentful the
7:45fifth kind of narcissism is something
7:47that we term as the self-righteous
7:48narcissist and they tend to be morally
7:51rigid financially controlling and
7:53Incredibly judgmental they'll say things
7:55like I work really hard to have all the
7:56things I have and you don't have [ __ ]
7:58because you don't work that hard they're
8:00always going to take a dig at why you
8:01aren't where you want to be and when I
8:03say they're rigid I mean incredibly
8:05rigid like if you have dinner at 7:00
8:06p.m. and you're stuck in traffic even if
8:08you message them and let them know
8:09you're going to be a little bit late by
8:11the time you show up at 7:15 they're the
8:13type of people that would be like no
8:15dinner was at 7:00 you're late you're
8:17not getting dinner and you're like what
8:19the f but because they're so morally
8:22righteous and very consistent and loyal
8:24and they follow through on their
8:25commitments they're seen or perceived by
8:27the world as being incredibly loyal
8:29people people and often times they're
8:30very religious so they're viewed as the
8:32pillar of their religious community and
8:34because they live within these
8:35moralistic standards they tend to be
8:37praise for the status or pedestal that
8:39they've placed themselves on and this is
8:41their source of Supply while behind
8:43closed doors the people that are closest
8:45to them suffer from their level of
8:46Cruelty that the rest of their Community
8:48doesn't ever see and they have
8:50absolutely no tolerance for the fact
8:52that sometimes life doesn't go very well
8:54for other people and it's kind of nice
8:56to give them a helping hand and the
8:58final form of narcissism is something
8:59that we would call neglectful narcissism
9:01and these are the people who will
9:03literally view other human beings as
9:05instrumental to them getting their
9:07outcome goal so they won't even notice
9:09you if you walk into the same room as
9:10them unless there's something that they
9:12want to get from you so the people in
9:14these relationships feel like they're
9:15completely ignored dismissed not even
9:17seen as if well you're not useful to me
9:20right now so I'm not even going to
9:21pretend you exist it almost feels
9:23contemptuous in a way like I'm above
9:26needing to deal with you I don't need to
9:28talk to you I don't need anything from
9:30you and people tend to believe this is
9:32only the rich and wealthy people but
9:33that would be incorrect there are people
9:35in normal middle to low income family
9:37households with parents or siblings who
9:40are like um are you talking to me cuz
9:42I'm not listening to what you have to
9:43say I literally don't have time for this
9:45now there's one more bit that's
9:47important information that I have to
9:48touch on here which is that narcissism
9:50does not discriminate based on gender
9:52both men and women can exhibit traits
9:54from any of the narcissistic subtypes
9:57however societal norms and expectations
9:59can influence how narcissism manifests
10:01in women in comparison to men which
10:03brings me to my next Point who are
10:04narcissists actually attracted to the
10:06misconception around narcissists is that
10:08they're attracted to doormats which
10:10couldn't be more far from the truth but
10:12first I want to touch on the concept of
10:13attraction in the first place most
10:15people are attracted to other people who
10:17resemble familiarity with themselves
10:19maybe that's similar interests or
10:21passions backgrounds Etc and or people
10:23who have character traits that we admire
10:25or Envy so when it comes to why
10:27narcissistic people are attractive well
10:29that's somewhat obvious you can see that
10:31confidence conviction charm and Charisma
10:33are all really enticing qualities but
10:35the underpinning as to why they are
10:37attracted to other people tends to come
10:39from the lens of well what makes me look
10:41best for example if we're talking about
10:43a vulnerable narcissist they tend to be
10:45attracted to people who have similar
10:46insecurities as they do and this can
10:48also lead to way more emotionally
10:50distressing relationships grandiose
10:52narcissists on the other hand have this
10:54inflated sense of self-importance and so
10:57they will seek people who enhance their
10:58own
10:59and this tends to lead to way less
11:01Connection in the relationship and they
11:03treat people essentially like they're an
11:04accessory like I noted earlier a big
11:07misconception is that narcissists go for
11:09the weak but that's not true they
11:11actually prefer to Target somebody who
11:12is more strong willed and who has
11:14talents or characteristics that they
11:16admire and they do that because they
11:17have a belief that it also allows them
11:19to shine too now the screwed up part
11:21about that is whatever trait that a
11:23narcissist is attracted to that brings
11:25them to seek out this individual they
11:27tend to take that trait turn it around
11:29and completely destroy it because they
11:31are also the type of people who feel
11:32really empowered by tearing other people
11:34down some narcissists may go for some
11:36types of people and try to completely
11:38dismantle them as a reflection of their
11:40own low self-esteem but for others
11:42there's joy found in creating chaos they
11:45want people who will validate their
11:46feelings Overlook their flaws and they
11:48want somebody who isn't likely to leave
11:50them during narcissistic abuse so while
11:52narcissists will seek out people who
11:54tend to be strong willed they're also
11:56looking for a few chinks in the armor
11:58which means ultimately their victim will
12:00blame themselves for the abuse that they
12:02experience these could be people who
12:04have trauma as a part of their past have
12:05a string of bad relationships or have an
12:08attachment style that makes them
12:10incredibly vulnerable what's also really
12:11important to note is they tend to have
12:13severely unrealistic expectations for
12:15their partner and they put them on this
12:17pedestal they also have unstable object
12:19constancy which frequently leads them to
12:21find dissatisfaction once the initial
12:23spark has run out in their relationship
12:25and they tend to judge and devalue their
12:27partner once they see the more human
12:29inside of their Essence think of a
12:30narcissist more like a sprinter not an
12:33endurance Runner it's hot and heavy all
12:35in from the beginning and then it burns
12:37out towards the end now why would a
12:39narcissist be attracted to a strong
12:41willed type a type of person you might
12:43be wondering so I'm going to break that
12:44down and this is ultimately because type
12:46A people tend to give and do more than
12:49they receive some people who are
12:50extremely type A really enjoy problem
12:53solving and also have an aversion to
12:55people doing them favors no matter how
12:57small they are and that's really good
12:58bait for a narcissist because most
13:01narcissists tend to be freeloaders and
13:02because type A people tend to be more
13:04left brain or logical they will aim to
13:06find an explanation for everything so
13:08this can end up in a perfect storm of
13:10toxic relationship for a narcissist
13:12because if you're type A like me you'll
13:14want to understand why somebody was
13:16acting that way what was the cause for
13:18their impulsive and reactive Behavior
13:19why do they go immediately into rage or
13:22why do they assume that you're doing
13:23something that you're not now the
13:25problem with this is that you're not
13:26actually the problem they are but they
13:28will never take responsibility for that
13:30they're the type of people where the
13:31goal post is always moving but you'll
13:34realize that it doesn't matter how
13:35perfectly you do things how receptive
13:37you are to feedback how adamant you are
13:39about wanting the relationship to work
13:41and being willing to change you could do
13:43things perfectly relative to the last
13:44time you are recommended and the
13:46goalpost will move and that will still
13:47be wrong and this will keep you busy
13:49with their smoking mirrors that you'll
13:51Overlook that the actual problem is the
13:53narcissist now you've probably heard the
13:55dynamic between empaths and narcissists
13:57so I want to touch on that attraction
13:58here these people are drawn to one
13:59another because an empath has a lot of
14:01compassion and understanding to give
14:03while a narcissist thrives on the idea
14:06of somebody worshiping them and people
14:07with high levels of empathy tend to put
14:09the blame on themselves and this Dynamic
14:11suits the narcissists just fine because
14:13as their mask starts to slip their
14:15partner puts more and more and more and
14:17more effort into the relationship and
14:19it's really hard for a true empath to
14:21wrap their mind around the idea that
14:23somebody else could just not have any
14:25levels of empathy and so they tend to
14:27believe that love is enough and if they
14:28just love somebody hard enough it will
14:30be enough and everything will be okay
14:32now as a personal anecdote here that was
14:34me I actually got into Clinical
14:36Psychology studying cluster B
14:38personality disorders because of my ex
14:40and all of the mind field and mental
14:42gymnastics I had to go through to try to
14:44understand how somebody could behave
14:46that way but if you're somebody who's
14:47like this I just want to add a personal
14:49note here it's not your fault and you
14:51didn't deserve that and unfortunately
14:53because you're not wired that way you
14:55will never be able to understand it no
14:57matter how many books you read no matter
14:58how much research you do because you
15:00don't think the way that they do now a
15:02last note on relationships and
15:03attraction is understanding that a
15:05narcissist is truly going to seek out
15:07control they love to feel like they have
15:09power over their partner and their
15:10partner tends to be an object not
15:12necessarily a human and if they can get
15:14them to submit and Obey to every single
15:16request and to them sometimes it's more
15:18entertaining than anything else they
15:20find joy in being able to exercise
15:22control over somebody who had this
15:24really great life and be the hand that's
15:26a part of it falling entirely apart that
15:29part of the journey is what makes it so
15:31diabolical and it's also why they enjoy
15:34it now we have to talk about some of the
15:35plays that they run and in this section
15:37I'm going to talk about the narcissistic
15:38abuse cycle when you're in this by the
15:40second stage you are grasping onto the
15:43better days wishing and praying and
15:45hoping that if you can just be good
15:46enough you'll get that back the
15:47narcissistic abuse cycle is a
15:49manipulation pattern it's used to
15:51control their partners and get them to
15:52start to question what reality is the
15:54cycle starts by idealizing the person
15:56and then devaluing them before re Ing
15:59and discarding them only to start the
16:01cycle all over again when they move into
16:03hoovering each phase of the cycle keeps
16:05the victim confused dependent and
16:07ultimately aims to leave them trapped
16:09within this vicious cycle so I want to
16:10break down the first phase which is
16:12idealization this is where the
16:14relationship is brand new or if you've
16:16already gone through the cycle then this
16:17is where it begins again and this is
16:19where Everything feels great and
16:20wonderful it's exciting phenomenal I
16:22mean they'll take you on this love
16:24bombing ideal where they just do
16:26everything that is over the top and it
16:28feels like a fairy tale story yet if you
16:30are a female who's enamored by that it
16:32can be incredibly captivating this is
16:35also referred to in a normal
16:36relationship as the honeymoon stage but
16:39just think about that on steroids this
16:40is where the narcissistic partner will
16:42put you on a pedestal and make you feel
16:44perfect and impossible for you to have
16:47any ounce of wrongdoing now at first
16:48this can feel really nice but also pay
16:51attention to the inner feelings that you
16:52have because it will become overpowering
16:55and Incredibly overwhelming now to give
16:57this a little texture I want to give
16:59list of certain behaviors that tend to
17:00be included in this phase number one
17:02love bombing number two giving a lot of
17:05attention to their partner number three
17:07these grandiose gestures number four
17:09elaborate gifts and dates number five
17:11future faking or concepts known as
17:13talking about things in the future that
17:15they want to do with you getting married
17:16starting a family buying a house Etc
17:19they also tend to have a lack of
17:20boundaries here they want intimacy and
17:21they will almost demand that you put
17:23down your walls and share all of your
17:25vulnerabilities with them they will also
17:27aim to start to isolate their partner
17:29out of the name of love and protection
17:30of course they will also pressure or
17:32quickly move to accelerate intimacy with
17:34you and they have this sense of
17:36ownership that you belong to them now
17:39after the honeymoon stage wears off we
17:41move into stage two devaluation this is
17:44where you formed some type of routine
17:46that you guys have established together
17:48that seems to be consistent now most
17:49couples will lean into this and problem
17:51solved together to build a deeper
17:53connection but in a narcissistic
17:55relationship this is where they start to
17:56make digs and pull you off of that
17:58pedestal that they placed you on this is
18:00where they'll start to put you down make
18:02fun of you point out the flaws that you
18:04have and they will use physical or
18:06verbal abuse and or physical intimacy as
18:08a weapon and if you try to confront them
18:11about this they will always play the
18:13victim narcissists are allergic to any
18:15level of responsibility and anytime
18:17they've done something or acted outside
18:18of what would be respectful or normal or
18:22anything that's tolerable you made them
18:23do it it's your fault you're the problem
18:26remember and this will only be thrown
18:28back in your face and they will continue
18:29to devalue you as a partner some of the
18:31behaviors might look like constantly
18:33putting you down attempting to change
18:35you as the partner increasing their
18:37criticisms and insults towards you
18:39narcissistic gaslighting which I'm sure
18:40we're very familiar with by this time
18:42physical threats lack of communication
18:44stonewalling an increased violation of
18:47boundaries increasing the strength of
18:49their control over you and withholding
18:51physical emotional or sexual intimacy
18:53which moves us into stage three
18:55rejection now in a healthy relationship
18:57disagreements and over coming those by
18:59problem solving with one another and
19:00effective communication is what moves
19:02the relationship forward but in a
19:04narcissistic relationship the rejection
19:06phase is when they blame every single
19:08problem within the dynamic of your
19:09relationship on you and if they are no
19:12longer getting their supply filled or
19:13their ego boosted by your presence they
19:16will slowly discard you because these
19:18people aren't truly interested in love
19:20commitment and security they will
19:22complete their cycle of abuse and move
19:24on to the next form of Supply or if they
19:26can't find another form of Supply
19:28they'll move into to the next phase of
19:29the cycle in this stage stage three
19:31Rejection it may include some of the
19:33following behaviors feelings of contempt
19:35and rage betraying their relationship
19:37invalidating their partner's emotions
19:39placing the blame of everything on their
19:41partner playing the victim physical
19:43emotional or verbal abuse and ending the
19:45relationship temporarily or permanently
19:47in order to continue the cycle of abuse
19:50which brings me to the final stage in
19:51the narcissistic abuse cycle hoovering
19:53or re-engagement this is where they're
19:55going to try to reconnect or reconcile
19:57their relationship between to and this
19:59comes after a period of withdrawal and
20:01this is where they're trying to
20:02replenish the supply by finding another
20:04source of it now this can come in many
20:06different forms engaging in love bombing
20:08tactics spreading rumors exacerbating
20:11crises within their lives and these
20:13efforts are intended to suck people back
20:15in in this stage can create immense
20:17distress and this can make it really
20:19challenging especially as a highly
20:20empathetic person who once probably
20:23truly loved this individual despite how
20:25they actually felt about you and this
20:26makes it really challenging to dis
20:28engage and completely move on some of
20:30the behaviors in this stage can look
20:31like repeatedly reaching out apologizing
20:34which they don't actually mean by the
20:35way making promises to change their
20:37behavior if you just come back
20:39threatening to hurt themselves due to
20:40the emotional pain of you leaving or
20:42this relationship falling apart sending
20:44expensive or thoughtful presence lying
20:47or exaggerating about things that are
20:48happening in their life having other
20:50people reach out to you to tell you
20:52about how they feel about you to pull
20:53you back in showing up unexpectedly at
20:55your work or at your home and claiming
20:57to accidentally finally text you or call
21:00you now this brings me to my next point
21:01you might be wondering especially if
21:03you're like me who's been in a situation
21:04like this and all you want to do is try
21:06to understand because you think that
21:08maybe by understanding how somebody
21:09could behave like this or be like this
21:11it might give you a sense of Peace so
21:14what is it that makes a narcissist there
21:16are a few things that I'm going to break
21:17down that contribute to the personality
21:19dimensions of narcissism and what on an
21:22environmental position or genetic
21:24factors contribute to developing
21:25narcissism there is some evidence that
21:27narcissistic traes can be genetically
21:29inherited and this may predispose
21:31somebody to developing narcissistic
21:33Tendencies and when it comes to
21:35temperament inborn personality traits
21:37such as sensitivity moodiness or a
21:39natural tendency towards aggression or
21:41assertiveness can contribute to the
21:43development overall of narcissism but
21:45there are other things developmentally
21:47that also contribute to this such as
21:48Early Childhood experiences when it
21:50comes to parental Behavior remember we
21:52all learn by how we were treated and we
21:54tend to normalize whatever is happening
21:56in the environment that we were raised
21:57within so if their was over pampering or
22:00excessively critical both of these can
22:01contribute to narcissistic development
22:03overindulgence of things or not having
22:05to work to receive certain things can
22:07lead to a level of arrogance and
22:09entitlement while also elevating a
22:11child's sense of self-importance while
22:13over criticism can lead to fragile
22:15self-esteem in a young child and a
22:17compensatory mechanism for a need of
22:19admiration growing up in a household
22:21where caregivers lack empathy or
22:23entirely emotionally unavailable can
22:25hinder a child's ability to develop
22:26empathy and a healthy self-image
22:28inconsistent or conditional praise or
22:30criticism can lead to a lot of confusion
22:33around where somebody finds their self
22:34worth if a child's achievements are
22:36always praised but their failures are
22:38harshly criticized they may learn to
22:40overvalue success and external
22:42validation now environmentally we have
22:44to look at some of the underpinnings
22:46that contribute to this as well media
22:47and cultural norms that glorify Fame
22:49wealth and physical appearance can also
22:51contribute to the manifestation of
22:53narcissism now one important thing that
22:55I think we have to cover in this section
22:57is attachment styles an insecure
22:59attachment style often resulting from
23:01inconsistent or neglectful parenting can
23:03contribute to narcissistic traits and
23:05this includes both anxious and avoidant
23:07attachment Styles and if these
23:08individuals also lack trust because of
23:10their attachment Styles they'll have
23:12extreme difficulty in forming healthy
23:14relationships and without the ability to
23:16cultivate trust in a relationship this
23:18can lead to a Reliance on narcissistic
23:20behaviors overall now the last thing
23:22that I have to discuss is childhood
23:24trauma experiences of neglect abuse or
23:27significant loss during childh Ood can
23:29lead to the development of narcissistic
23:31traits as a copy mechanism and emotional
23:33trauma such as being frequently shamed
23:35or humiliated can also contribute to the
23:37development of narcissistic traits and
23:39this allows the child to reclaim a sense
23:41of power and importance now when we look
23:43at personality traits because I love
23:45personality Dimensions we want to look
23:47at the personality traits on the
23:49Continuum and how they manifest
23:50themselves within a narcissistic
23:52individual now I'm going to break this
23:53down using the big five which includes
23:55openness extraversion conscientiousness
23:57neuroticism and agreeableness and the
23:59reason that I'm bringing this up and why
24:01it's so important is that narcissists
24:02tend to exhibit distinct patterns across
24:05these personality Dimensions so here's
24:08how they tend to score when it comes to
24:09openness this can be somewhat variable
24:12narcissists May score high in this
24:13category if they are oriented towards
24:15grandiosity or fantasy however they may
24:17score lower if they are not open to
24:20other people's opinions or tend to be
24:22more self-centered when it comes to
24:24conscientiousness they also seem to be a
24:26bit variable here if it's related to
24:27achievement striving or self-discipline
24:30they can score on the higher end but if
24:31they perceive certain tasks to be
24:33beneath them then they're probably not
24:35going to score higher on this category
24:37but this is where it gets interesting
24:39and this is where they set themselves
24:40apart when it comes to extraversion
24:42narcissists tend to score consistently
24:45high they tend to be excitement seeking
24:47and embody this superficial level of
24:49charm it's also interesting to note that
24:51there's research that shows that they're
24:52really chaotic drivers and they tend to
24:54be aggressive on the road if you've ever
24:56been in car with a narcissist you know
24:58EX L what I'm talking about however
25:00what's important to know is that their
25:02drive for extraversion tends to rely on
25:04the fact that they need external
25:05validation and it's not necessarily a
25:07genuine interest in a social interaction
25:10now when it comes to agreeableness this
25:12is probably not a super big surprise to
25:13you but they tend to score really low
25:15they tend to be less altruistic and way
25:17more competitive and again they just
25:19lack empathy they exhibit traits such as
25:21antagonism manipulativeness and a
25:24tendency to exploit others for their own
25:26gain they tend to be way less
25:27cooperative and way more critical of
25:29other people now lastly we have to touch
25:31on neuroticism and this might be
25:33somewhat surprising but they tend to
25:35score actually pretty high and if you've
25:36dated a narcissist you'll know that
25:38they're impulsive and their mood swings
25:40just blow up out of nowhere their levels
25:42of neuroticism tend to manifest
25:44themselves in areas of anger hostility
25:46vulnerability or if they're more
25:48grandiose then it will be the underlying
25:50insecurity that drives their anxiety and
25:53depression and they also tend to mask
25:54this with their inflated sense of
25:56selfworth now this brings to my last
25:59point and probably why you're here what
26:00three tests can I run to see if I'm
26:02dealing with a narcissist if you're
26:04uncertain if you are or aren't dating
26:06somebody who could be a narcissist then
26:08I want to make sure I leave you with
26:09some tools that you can deploy to assess
26:10this objectively I understand this is a
26:12ton of information and education but we
26:14don't really understand things until we
26:16see them play themselves out in reality
26:18I'm going to give you several different
26:20ones pick three and let me know how it
26:23goes feel free to report back in the
26:24comments I'm sure we're all itching now
26:26there's something called the NPI or
26:27narciss istic personality inventory and
26:29I'm going to give you a way in which you
26:31can apply this from home though this is
26:33a widely used self-reported
26:35questionnaire to measure narcissistic
26:36traits in individuals and while this is
26:38typically used in research and clinical
26:40settings you can adapt this to some of
26:42your personal interactions number one
26:45observe how often they talk about
26:47themselves narcissists tend to dominate
26:49conversations and tend to hyperfixate on
26:51their achievements or success pay
26:53attention number two observe how they
26:55react to any level of criticism if you
26:57give them constructive feedback or you
27:00disagree pay attention to their response
27:03narcissists in particular get highly
27:05defensive and tend to get very angry and
27:07they will also diminish your opinion and
27:10invalidate your feelings or your
27:12perspective on something the next thing
27:13that you can run is an empathy test
27:15empathy or the lack thereof is a
27:17significant indicator of narcissistic
27:20personality traits watch how this
27:21individual operates or functions in
27:23Social Gatherings if you go out to a
27:25restaurant pay attention to how they
27:27treat your server if you're out in
27:28public pay attention to how they treat a
27:30complete stranger a lack of empathy or
27:32consideration for other people's
27:34feelings or the inability to deploy a
27:36level of respect is a big red flag and
27:39the last one I want you to run is called
27:41the manipulation test narcissists tend
27:43to engage in very manipulative behaviors
27:45with the goal to be able to control or
27:47exploit other people but you can gauge
27:49this and here's a few ways to do that
27:51number one establish clear boundaries
27:54and see how they respond narcissists
27:56tend to highly resist boundaries and
27:58will guilt trip you for trying to put
28:00them in place or pressure manipulate you
28:02into actually moving that boundary line
28:04number two pay attention to their level
28:07of consistency like I said a narcissist
28:09behavior is more like a Sprint to a
28:11final destination versus a steady run of
28:13endurance they'll come in charming and
28:15attentive but over time that will
28:17diminish and when they start to diminish
28:20that will reveal their true character
28:22now I also want to point out that
28:23healthy relationships will go through
28:24that but pay attention to how drastic
28:27the shift actually is is when you go
28:29from the honeymoon or love bombing phase
28:32to a sense of normaly and routine with
28:34one another and number three on this
28:36category of things change plans with
28:38them just test the waters and see if you
28:41can actually cancel or change when
28:44that's supposed to happen if they are
28:46highly reactive and again like if you
28:47have some sense of useful reason to
28:49change that like you know honor that but
28:52if they are inflexible or they get
28:54highly outraged by the fact that you
28:55have something else going on and you
28:57would dare put that before all of the
28:59effort and thought that they've done and
29:00put into to plan this thing for you how
29:02dare you you ungrateful selfish human
29:04being if they react that way that is a
29:06red flag so this is an entire video
29:08breaking down narcissism and how to know
29:10if you're dating one and if you're
29:11interested in understanding in general
29:13how men date then click this video below
29:15and I'll see you there if not [ __ ] off
29:18bye

About this transcript

This page contains the full transcript of Narcissism Alert: Red Flags You Should Never Ignore by Kait Willett, generated from the public captions YouTube serves with the video. The transcript has 6,038 words across 916 segments, with the original timestamps preserved so you can click any line to jump to that moment in the embedded player.

What you can do with it

Use the transcript to take notes, quote the speaker, build a study guide, generate a summary with ChatGPT or Claude via the YouTube Summary tool, or export it as a timed subtitle file with YouTube to SRT. You can also re-open it in the transcriber to translate the transcript into 100+ languages.

Free YouTube transcript tool

YouTube2Text is a free YouTube transcript generator — no signup, no daily limit. Paste any YouTube link and get the full transcript instantly, with timestamps, click-to-jump, translation to 100+ languages, AI prompts for ChatGPT, Claude, and Gemini, and exports to TXT, SRT, VTT, or Markdown.