My Struggle With Anxiety and Depression - Giana — Transcript

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1. 0:01all right gianna hi gianna where'd you
2. 0:03grow up where are you from originally
3. 0:05um i grew up in seattle washington i was
4. 0:08yeah i was born in vegas for uh i was
5. 0:10there for three years and then my
6. 0:11parents had divorced and so mainly grew
7. 0:14up all the way through in seattle
8. 0:16and how would you describe your
9. 0:17childhood
10. 0:19um
11. 0:22it was it was good i had me and my
12. 0:24little sister
13. 0:26when my mom and dad split my dad was
14. 0:28still pretty active in my life but um
15. 0:31more virtually just kind of like calls
16. 0:33every day
17. 0:34since he was in vegas he would make
18. 0:35trips to see us so a lot of back and
19. 0:38forth with that um but overall just
20. 0:40very loving very loving family great
21. 0:43yeah good good childhood good childhood
22. 0:45mm-hmm that's nice
23. 0:47and uh you went through high school i
24. 0:49did i graduated um yep excellent and now
25. 0:52you're how old are you now you're 20 25
26. 0:5425
27. 0:56and at some point
28. 0:58you started having problems with
29. 1:01your probably how would you describe it
30. 1:03brain chemistry
31. 1:04yeah it was uh kind of around when i was
32. 1:07younger um
33. 1:09pretty much throwing some crazy fits as
34. 1:12a kid does you know just uh my but as i
35. 1:15still got older my reaction to things
36. 1:18were
37. 1:19like a very very small issue would have
38. 1:21me
39. 1:22erupt i mean
40. 1:24i can i can remember one like about
41. 1:26wanting to
42. 1:28um wear something of my sisters to the
43. 1:30movies or something and she had said no
44. 1:32and i just ended up
45. 1:34freaking out canceled the whole night
46. 1:36like whatever you know things like that
47. 1:37that were just kind of like oh why are
48. 1:39you so freaked out about that and it was
49. 1:41just yeah i think the reactions were um
50. 1:44did not align with like the
51. 1:47event that was going on so it was just
52. 1:49this started what age yeah this was
53. 1:51probably around um 12 or 13 like and
54. 1:54because i had moved over to snohomish
55. 1:57for middle school in high school that's
56. 1:58where i'd gone
57. 2:00um and we moved around a lot like as as
58. 2:03kids my mom was you know single mom so
59. 2:05she was getting different jobs and we
60. 2:07were always kind of the new kids and
61. 2:10um
62. 2:11you know that was that was tough like
63. 2:13for middle school because everybody had
64. 2:15their groups already and so but i ended
65. 2:17up finding a place okay um but
66. 2:20definitely just
67. 2:22never felt like i had fit in and stuff
68. 2:25um so
69. 2:27uh that was just that's where the
70. 2:29reactions kept coming kept coming and
71. 2:31um pretty sad a lot of the times
72. 2:35so what was your
73. 2:36were your parents reaction or what was
74. 2:38there
75. 2:39um i mean attempted fixing it yeah my
76. 2:42mom was kind of like i my dad wasn't
77. 2:45fully aware just because he wasn't there
78. 2:47all the time so i don't know if he could
79. 2:49really see those reactions i can't fully
80. 2:51remember if i was like how to had an
81. 2:53episode around him
82. 2:55um
83. 2:56he's an italian guy so he's just very
84. 2:58like you want to i wanted to always be
85. 3:00careful about how i was acting
86. 3:02and um but my mom uh you know she
87. 3:06met a guy while i was in high school and
88. 3:09he had uh pointed out you know i this
89. 3:12isn't this doesn't look right you know
90. 3:14she's
91. 3:14that was kind of the thing i think my
92. 3:16mom was a little at that time it wasn't
93. 3:19um
94. 3:20mental health wasn't as like there was a
95. 3:22lot of awareness on it so
96. 3:24i think she was kind of stuck too i
97. 3:27don't know she really knew what to do
98. 3:29what steps to take yeah i think she just
99. 3:31was like
100. 3:33yeah you know and so a couple people had
101. 3:35to point it out and then that's when i
102. 3:36had gone to see my doctor
103. 3:39um
104. 3:40well they wanted me to try therapy and i
105. 3:42i just wasn't having it and i wasn't
106. 3:44clicking with the right person so i gave
107. 3:47the doctor a try
108. 3:49and that's where the medication kind of
109. 3:51came out so you tried therapy for a
110. 3:52while i did i met with probably three or
111. 3:55four and at that time i was just in
112. 3:58getting out of high school and had the
113. 3:59mentality of
114. 4:02well i guess kind of to backtrack that's
115. 4:04why i started smoking weed and like
116. 4:06self-medicating
117. 4:08and thinking it was gonna kind of ease
118. 4:09my anxiety and depression and i didn't
119. 4:11know what i had at that time but i knew
120. 4:13this was making me feel good so maybe i
121. 4:16should stick with that
122. 4:18um so that the therapy part again the
123. 4:21awareness was not there at the time so i
124. 4:23just had this thought of like
125. 4:25they i don't feel like they care to hear
126. 4:28my stuff and and that was my mentality
127. 4:30so i never really
128. 4:31opened up and gave it a try at that time
129. 4:34and then we just had to there was only
130. 4:36the other option was to go
131. 4:38get a doctor that could put me on
132. 4:39medication to
133. 4:41stabilize them the moods and tell me
134. 4:43about your
135. 4:44self-medicating your drug use
136. 4:46yeah it was just weed my senior year of
137. 4:49high school i got really into it um
138. 4:52i felt like most of high school i was
139. 4:54trying to i felt like i was trying to
140. 4:56fit into places and with people that i
141. 4:59it wasn't me um
142. 5:01i always felt off about that i made
143. 5:03great friends though i i still talked to
144. 5:05a few to this day but in that moment i
145. 5:08wasn't
146. 5:09so you know i i started smoking weed and
147. 5:12went with a different crowd my senior
148. 5:14year and kind of
149. 5:15backed out of wanting to be that
150. 5:19you know the i guess maybe the popular
151. 5:21person i don't know but i just took a
152. 5:23step back to you know we we smoked a lot
153. 5:26and just
154. 5:27got high i made it through high school
155. 5:28fine and that's the reason i kept
156. 5:30justifying the smoking is i just call
157. 5:33myself a functional stoner
158. 5:35and i'd just be like hey like i'm still
159. 5:36getting you know i can do this like i'm
160. 5:38fine you know
161. 5:40definitely wasn't smart i was just
162. 5:41driving around doing it all the time my
163. 5:43mom was
164. 5:44definitely aware of it it caused a big
165. 5:46kind of a strain in our relationship at
166. 5:48that time
167. 5:49um and then i did move out when i was 18
168. 5:52because i just wanted to keep smoking
169. 5:54and uh i was
170. 5:56that's how i was self-medicating for a
171. 5:58bit and i still did when i got on the
172. 6:00medication so i never
173. 6:02fully gave up weed which
174. 6:04i know was probably just a big mistake
175. 6:06it wasn't it wasn't helping so and you
176. 6:09started getting prescriptions for psych
177. 6:11meds at what age yeah psych meds was in
178. 6:132016 or 17 i think um i know i started
179. 6:17with the general uh the prozac was the
180. 6:20one
181. 6:21that i started with um
182. 6:23but
183. 6:25the psychiatrist had
184. 6:27or the doctor actually hadn't diagnosed
185. 6:29me with anything yet it kind of was just
186. 6:31like a here you go like
187. 6:33you know my mom had explained the
188. 6:35episodes i was having so that she
189. 6:36thought the prozac would help the prozac
190. 6:38was making me feel kind of
191. 6:41wired a lot um definitely couldn't sleep
192. 6:44i was
193. 6:45very very amped up
194. 6:47and i was definitely trying to work on
195. 6:50self-awareness through this to be like
196. 6:51what what's working what's not working
197. 6:53so i knew something was wrong
198. 6:55and he had then
199. 6:57switched to zoloft
200. 6:59which then did a complete 180 because
201. 7:01the zoloft was treating more of the
202. 7:03anxiety but the depression was
203. 7:05there
204. 7:06so for me i like to think that prozac
205. 7:09was helping my
206. 7:10depression making me happy but
207. 7:12constantly anxious always and then the
208. 7:15zoloft was treating the anxiety so it
209. 7:18was kind of was going like back and
210. 7:20forth
211. 7:21and neither one of those were working
212. 7:22for me
213. 7:23and then that is when i met with uh
214. 7:26a psychiatrist that actually
215. 7:28diagnosed me with bipolar depression and
216. 7:30anxiety
217. 7:32yeah
218. 7:33and put you on different medications
219. 7:35yeah that's when i switched to
220. 7:38lamotrigine actually and which is
221. 7:40lamotrigine has as
222. 7:42they explained it was just like a a
223. 7:44stabilizer mood stabilizer so prozac
224. 7:46would treat one thing zoloft would treat
225. 7:48the other i was kind of dealing with the
226. 7:49middle
227. 7:50middle ground so that was like the the
228. 7:52stabilizer so
229. 7:54it kind of brings your levels to the
230. 7:56same
231. 7:57um and i think i
232. 7:59i think i started
233. 8:01unfortunately kind of at a high dosage i
234. 8:03think i started at i was about on
235. 8:06300 milligrams of low much gene
236. 8:11so during this time when you're
237. 8:13experimenting with different
238. 8:15psych meds and
239. 8:17and also using uh
240. 8:20other drugs as well or just um so that
241. 8:22was kind of the the other drugs came in
242. 8:25the picture after the psych meds the
243. 8:27lamotrigine because it was
244. 8:29i was still struggling um
245. 8:32and
246. 8:33again i it the awareness like i i didn't
247. 8:36know who to really it was hard to really
248. 8:38talk to people um and so
249. 8:41yeah i think that it was still making me
250. 8:43feel a type of depression and i don't i
251. 8:46don't fully remember my memories a
252. 8:48little
253. 8:49fragmented there but i know that um
254. 8:53around
255. 8:54the age of 20 i was that's i had gone to
256. 8:58um
257. 8:59molly and and cocaine and stuff like
258. 9:01that throughout a period of my time
259. 9:03because i was still depressed and still
260. 9:04trying to see what i could do to fix it
261. 9:07probably not you know uneducated there
262. 9:10but
263. 9:11yeah and what what what kind of
264. 9:14effects did all this have on your
265. 9:16relationships with friends and
266. 9:18and your just your
267. 9:20your mood yeah it was uh i would say for
268. 9:22a time i probably wasn't fun to to be
269. 9:25around i lost a
270. 9:27when i was really into uh weed before
271. 9:31because the molly and cocaine was kind
272. 9:32of like trying to fit in again you know
273. 9:34like um going to
274. 9:37concerts and things like that and
275. 9:39you know i
276. 9:40i knew it wasn't smart to be
277. 9:43mixing the two like an ssri and
278. 9:46something like that so
279. 9:48i was trying to be careful but it was
280. 9:51it was pretty dumb um but before that
281. 9:53when i was just smoking
282. 9:55weed and getting high all the time i i
283. 9:57lost a pretty good chunk of friends
284. 9:59because i never i i was so introverted i
285. 10:02did not want to go out i
286. 10:05turned 21 i had a little bit of fun and
287. 10:07then i just kind of
288. 10:09um
289. 10:10isolated myself from everybody and just
290. 10:14was getting high all the time so i did
291. 10:16lose i lost some friends that
292. 10:18um
293. 10:19you know
294. 10:22that was hard but
295. 10:24during that period do you feel like that
296. 10:26was the real
297. 10:27gianna at that point no it wasn't at all
298. 10:30and in fact it was like um
299. 10:32after the lamotrigine i was still
300. 10:35struggling
301. 10:36and i wasn't being very honest with my
302. 10:37psychiatrist which of course like
303. 10:39looking back i i should have been a
304. 10:41little more open about it and saying
305. 10:42what i was doing but
306. 10:44um she had a new
307. 10:46drug
308. 10:47came to the market it was like a latuta
309. 10:49there was commercials for it and stuff
310. 10:50and so um she was like well i'm gonna
311. 10:53i'm gonna put you on
312. 10:54uh i think 20 or 40 milligrams of latuta
313. 10:58while you're taking the lemon lamontagne
314. 10:59to maybe help you i think i was telling
315. 11:01her i was having trouble sleeping
316. 11:03and things like that and this was
317. 11:05supposed to to help that right
318. 11:07um
319. 11:08so now i was kind of double drugging a
320. 11:10little on the antidepressants and
321. 11:13uh the latuta just took a really bad
322. 11:15turn um
323. 11:18that was like
324. 11:20and that was only for
325. 11:21two or three months but i was i mean
326. 11:24i started like hearing hearing voices
327. 11:28uh
328. 11:29put me in a
329. 11:30i don't even remember being that way
330. 11:32before that drug like that wasn't how i
331. 11:34i wasn't dealing with that
332. 11:36and i was just hearing things i used to
333. 11:38have to sleep with the tv on every night
334. 11:41i had a roommate
335. 11:43i don't really know if she even knew
336. 11:44what was going on
337. 11:46and i was just
338. 11:47i remember i would have visions of me
339. 11:49just blacking out like completely i
340. 11:51could was almost scared to drive a car
341. 11:54because i would be driving and feel like
342. 11:56it was i would just
343. 11:57drop and and lose control i don't know
344. 12:00it was like that's what was going
345. 12:02through my head all the time
346. 12:03and i had a job at a restaurant
347. 12:06and i was always feeling
348. 12:09you know and i probably should have said
349. 12:10something and i kept kind of doing it
350. 12:12and it was just making me
351. 12:14feel even worse and worse so the the
352. 12:17weed picked up higher and higher to like
353. 12:19try to fight it and so i was
354. 12:22yeah that was like i think if i didn't
355. 12:25have like my mom
356. 12:26talking um talking with me and like
357. 12:29helping me i probably
358. 12:30i don't know like i don't really know
359. 12:32what would have happened
360. 12:33so um
361. 12:35that was the hardest one that i had to
362. 12:37be like i just had to tell
363. 12:40my psychiatrist that i need to get off
364. 12:41of this i don't think this is
365. 12:44right something's wrong
366. 12:45was there a time where you just just
367. 12:47wanted to get off of everything and just
368. 12:49try that again
369. 12:51to go just clean clean
370. 12:52not at that time yeah no i still
371. 12:56i still knew i i still wanted some
372. 12:57problems so
373. 12:59yeah
374. 13:00i was really scared and that and then
375. 13:01the thing goes with like i just didn't
376. 13:03know
377. 13:04who i was like i didn't i didn't know
378. 13:06gianna um
379. 13:07i was like i'm
380. 13:09not very in touch with myself it was
381. 13:11just very like kind of felt like
382. 13:14just a body kind of navigating through
383. 13:16life it wasn't like i could
384. 13:18i didn't feel i was making connections
385. 13:20with people or
386. 13:22i just felt really out of it for about
387. 13:24three or four years of my life i don't
388. 13:27it's hard to kind of remember some of
389. 13:29that but
390. 13:30um so your basic problems before the
391. 13:32psych meds were were
392. 13:36your overreaction to things and yeah
393. 13:38just depression yeah not
394. 13:40just not having anything in me to get up
395. 13:42and go i had a lot of
396. 13:45a lot of insecurities like you know
397. 13:47people in high school that
398. 13:49that's that's a was a normal thing and
399. 13:51but i was i was struggling with finding
400. 13:54my
401. 13:54my place in life and i was i just had a
402. 13:57lot of self
403. 13:59self-confidence issues
404. 14:01which made me
405. 14:03not care so much for myself so i was
406. 14:06like
407. 14:06doing drugs i didn't really
408. 14:08see
409. 14:09i didn't map out a future for myself you
410. 14:12know
411. 14:13and
412. 14:14so it was probably before all of this
413. 14:16was definitely just a lot of depression
414. 14:19not wanting to leave
415. 14:21my room or leave it was just
416. 14:24but on the side on the other side acting
417. 14:26very very happy to my peers and in
418. 14:29school and like outside and
419. 14:31co-workers just making sure like
420. 14:34i didn't want to be like the depressed
421. 14:36girl you know so i tried my best to have
422. 14:38fun and look like
423. 14:40everything was okay i just was uh
424. 14:43just what it just was going it was going
425. 14:45downhill you're in your early 20s can be
426. 14:47a time where
427. 14:48typically
428. 14:49a person will
429. 14:51figure out what direction they want to
430. 14:52go in in life and really kind of push
431. 14:54towards that were you
432. 14:56able to do any of that or you were just
433. 14:57kind of drifting i'm i went to um i went
434. 14:59to college i went to a community college
435. 15:01um and so i uh my mom was very
436. 15:05really wanted me to go i probably if i
437. 15:07didn't have her steering me down that
438. 15:08path probably would have never gone to
439. 15:10school
440. 15:11but again i i kind of picked something
441. 15:13to major and i i didn't know i i had no
442. 15:16clue you know but i
443. 15:18made it through college
444. 15:20high every every day you know i ended up
445. 15:22i did okay
446. 15:24but got my degree still was like
447. 15:27i i don't know you know like it was like
448. 15:30okay i got i got the degree that was i'm
449. 15:33grateful for that beyond grateful i just
450. 15:35never had i never had a plan for it some
451. 15:38people go and they're like they take the
452. 15:39classes i was checked out on a lot of
453. 15:41them
454. 15:42because nothing was really clicking for
455. 15:44me
456. 15:45um oh actually my last
457. 15:48my last quarter one of the last classes
458. 15:50i took was on medicine behavior and like
459. 15:52human yeah that one
460. 15:54was like
461. 15:56i should have done this i should have
462. 15:57gone down that rat and i still
463. 15:59contemplate going back and like
464. 16:02doing something in psychology and things
465. 16:04like that and that that class kind of
466. 16:06that was the one i was reading
467. 16:07everything and kind of reading about the
468. 16:09stuff i went through and
469. 16:11that was the first sign of like i didn't
470. 16:13feel like i was so alone i was reading
471. 16:15other people's stories
472. 16:17because again it wasn't so
473. 16:19out there people weren't very open with
474. 16:21their mental health issues um
475. 16:23i think there was like a stigma against
476. 16:25it so
477. 16:26and it also seems like the doctors don't
478. 16:28have a
479. 16:29really firm understanding of what drug
480. 16:32is the right one for
481. 16:33maybe a certain patient so they
482. 16:35experiment a little bit yeah totally and
483. 16:37that's like no there's there's nothing
484. 16:39against that i just think for me i i
485. 16:41ended up putting myself in a worse
486. 16:43position by trying to self-medicate with
487. 16:45other drugs and so did you have friends
488. 16:48that are
489. 16:48going through the same struggles
490. 16:51not at that time i didn't um
491. 16:54i don't think so i didn't have
492. 16:58i know i know one of my roommates had
493. 17:00struggled with depression too and we we
494. 17:02would smoke all the time so i know she
495. 17:04was kind of on that and i can't fully
496. 17:06remember if she was taking any
497. 17:08medication but
498. 17:10um
499. 17:11it was just i felt like it was just kind
500. 17:12of me to start on the journey you know
501. 17:15no one in my close circle
502. 17:17was kind of going through that
503. 17:19and definitely no one was going to like
504. 17:20therapy or anything so no one was really
505. 17:22telling me like gee i think you should
506. 17:24give this like another shot
507. 17:26of like trying out therapy maybe it can
508. 17:28benefit you more so i didn't have any of
509. 17:30that kind of guidance with my medication
510. 17:32do you feel like you're in a good place
511. 17:34today
512. 17:35yeah today is a lot uh better i i mean
513. 17:38still still struggle i've gone um i got
514. 17:41off of
515. 17:43pretty much all the the only
516. 17:45antidepressant i stayed on was the
517. 17:46lamotrigine because that one really
518. 17:47wasn't ever giving me any negative side
519. 17:50effects at all the other ones we would
520. 17:52try to work in
521. 17:53with it
522. 17:55was just not you know um
523. 17:57i was even trying to take after the
524. 17:59latuta and telling them about the the
525. 18:00voices
526. 18:02i was
527. 18:04i got 150 milligrams of seroquel
528. 18:07but after at that time when i was um
529. 18:10with my ex he had said like oh that
530. 18:12that's something they give schizophrenic
531. 18:14that's a schizophrenic drug you know
532. 18:15that they treat for schizophrenia which
533. 18:18i think was um
534. 18:19a misunderstanding because the the
535. 18:21latuto was causing schizophrenia so
536. 18:24treating
537. 18:25the schizophrenia that wasn't there
538. 18:27anymore with the latuta i mean i was i
539. 18:30was a full zombie i don't
540. 18:32i would take the circle at night and i
541. 18:34just know 30 minutes was set in and i
542. 18:36couldn't
543. 18:37move my body i mean if i was on the
544. 18:40couch i was staying on the couch so it
545. 18:42sounds like you noticed the effects of
546. 18:44each of these drugs yeah yeah that's one
547. 18:46thing i was trying to um pay attention
548. 18:49to the way i was feeling i was not i
549. 18:51wasn't enjoying it
550. 18:53so it wasn't fun you know i was
551. 18:55definitely like this this can't be right
552. 18:57i'm not able to
553. 18:59uh the one memory i have is like someone
554. 19:01was calling me and i i remember just
555. 19:03looking over and i i couldn't even move
556. 19:05my hand to get the phone call it was
557. 19:06like
558. 19:079 30 at night and i've taken that
559. 19:09medication
560. 19:11and so i ended up there are certain
561. 19:13drugs you can kind of what i was told
562. 19:15was you can taper off of and then
563. 19:16there's certain ones that you can
564. 19:17actually just kind of remove and like
565. 19:19and get off of so latuta i didn't have
566. 19:20to like taper off i was like i'm done i
567. 19:23need to be done
568. 19:24the seroquel i had to taper a little
569. 19:27down to i think we took it by 50
570. 19:29milligrams and it was getting a little
571. 19:31better and then finally i just said no
572. 19:33you know never mind um so i got i got
573. 19:36rid of that so now it's only lamotrigine
574. 19:38i've gone from
575. 19:39300 milligrams to uh
576. 19:42uh 75 today
577. 19:45so
578. 19:46and do you feel like you're you're in
579. 19:48the best spot you've been since you've
580. 19:49been taking these spikes
581. 19:51yeah i think there's definitely room for
582. 19:52improvement still like room for growth
583. 19:55and um self work
584. 19:57again like when you say you're working
585. 19:58on yourself it takes
586. 20:00it takes work um it's not something you
587. 20:02can just for me i couldn't just depend
588. 20:04on something to fix that for me so
589. 20:06depression is a hard one for
590. 20:08like family members who just want to use
591. 20:10common sense and reason and convince you
592. 20:13that your life is great
593. 20:14yeah it doesn't work like that that was
594. 20:16hard too you know it was like um and i
595. 20:18love my dad an amazing man it was hard
596. 20:21for him to kind of see
597. 20:23that because you know he would
598. 20:26of course like i i reflect a lot
599. 20:28nowadays i think at that time i wasn't
600. 20:30really focusing on the things that i was
601. 20:32grateful for and the things i had
602. 20:34it was always just the negatives and
603. 20:36that's been my shift of mind change as
604. 20:38i've lowered on the medication is now
605. 20:40telling myself the things that i have
606. 20:42to be grateful for
607. 20:44and that was hard for him because you
608. 20:46know he would just be like well you
609. 20:48or you know the typical like you've got
610. 20:50a great life it's like yeah i'm just
611. 20:52battling some demons like i know i'm i'm
612. 20:54blessed i'm not in denial about that you
613. 20:56know i know there's
614. 20:58people out there that have it much worse
615. 21:00it was just what was going on in my head
616. 21:02was like
617. 21:04it it just was a scary time and i think
618. 21:07yeah a lot of people like it it's hard
619. 21:09to understand that when people are
620. 21:11struggling with real depression like
621. 21:14really of deep sadness that they're
622. 21:15trying to mask and act like
623. 21:18they're okay you know it almost makes it
624. 21:20more difficult for you
625. 21:22to hear everyone just saying no your
626. 21:23life is great relax yeah yeah i
627. 21:25definitely that that made me that made
628. 21:27me kind of stay quiet
629. 21:30i didn't feel
630. 21:32you know there'd be times um
631. 21:34another step i took too is i got off of
632. 21:36social media completely so i i just i
633. 21:39got off of it
634. 21:41and
635. 21:42because there were times that i'd want
636. 21:43to post like i need some help i'm
637. 21:47a whole thing and
638. 21:49i knew that awareness was getting better
639. 21:51and better and people were getting more
640. 21:52open but i just i was nervous people
641. 21:55would be like who is this did you feel
642. 21:56like social media is a
643. 21:59i mean we hear we hear that it's a
644. 22:01problem all the time but do you feel
645. 22:02like it's a serious
646. 22:04you know i think for it to each their
647. 22:06own like i think if um you're using it
648. 22:08for the right reasons and you've got
649. 22:09like
650. 22:10there can be very successful
651. 22:12things that can happen with social media
652. 22:14so it's definitely not to be like
653. 22:16everybody should get off of it and you
654. 22:18know but for myself um
655. 22:21i was not using it for the right reasons
656. 22:23it was like
657. 22:24trying to again post for the likes and
658. 22:27look like i've got this a grand life and
659. 22:29i'm happy and look at me when i'd be
660. 22:31typing the post in like tears
661. 22:34just behind the screen just miserable i
662. 22:37suspect they can probably make you more
663. 22:38depressed
664. 22:40yeah just acting and then you wouldn't
665. 22:41you wouldn't hit your certain amount of
666. 22:42likes and you just be like like ah like
667. 22:45no one likes me the whole scheme that i
668. 22:48was using it for
669. 22:50and i hit a point where i realized like
670. 22:52how am i going to grow each day if i'm
671. 22:55starting my day looking at how everyone
672. 22:57else is living their life like that is
673. 22:59very
674. 23:00i'm i'm um
675. 23:02holding myself back from that you know
676. 23:03what i mean because you can't it's hard
677. 23:05to
678. 23:06if you start your day by looking at
679. 23:08someone in the bahamas and you've got to
680. 23:10go work your 9 to 5 or your your job i
681. 23:12mean
682. 23:13that's not a good it's just not a great
683. 23:15start and so
684. 23:17since removing that i have noticed in
685. 23:19myself and
686. 23:21this could apply to other people too i
687. 23:22have just noticed the
688. 23:24drastic change in self-confidence
689. 23:27and uh
690. 23:29and like genuine happiness and just like
691. 23:31kind of living in my own in my own space
692. 23:33in my own bubble and like who comes into
693. 23:35it and who leaves it's it's just i'm
694. 23:38just navigating that part so
695. 23:41yeah i'm i'm
696. 23:42i'm very happy about that part um
697. 23:45and kind of in the the ability to get
698. 23:48get down on on medication but it
699. 23:50definitely isn't something that can
700. 23:52happen overnight it was a very hard
701. 23:54journey there were times i wasn't
702. 23:56comfortable with going down anyways like
703. 23:58i would really want to try to go fast
704. 24:00and
705. 24:01i had to take a step back because when
706. 24:03the lockdown happened i i was trying to
707. 24:05do that but again that was a very hard
708. 24:09time for a lot of people that struggled
709. 24:10with um that struggle with
710. 24:12any type of mental illness or you know
711. 24:15it's um that was hard to be locked in
712. 24:18again you know
713. 24:20that was still a lot of a lot of
714. 24:21drinking for me and like trying to
715. 24:23trying to self-medicate through that so
716. 24:25definitely wasn't ready and your mom who
717. 24:27you live with still
718. 24:28no
719. 24:29i don't live with you
720. 24:31i've been on my own i moved home for
721. 24:33uh actually i moved home
722. 24:36um gosh i can't remember the the time uh
723. 24:39not
724. 24:40i want to say maybe three years ago
725. 24:42three or four years ago i moved back
726. 24:44home because i did quit weed
727. 24:46because i started for
728. 24:49smoking weed for three years and then
729. 24:50the last two years of the weed smoking i
730. 24:52was adding tobacco on the top to give
731. 24:54that kind of that head rush
732. 24:57so
733. 24:58it was a really really dangerous thing
734. 25:01because you're just kind of smoking it
735. 25:03right out of there so are you still
736. 25:05smoking pot or using um i'm still
737. 25:08weed will be every it's just been
738. 25:10regulated more and now i've kind of gone
739. 25:12to cbd because i still struggle with
740. 25:14smoking that's the problem i still have
741. 25:16that like addiction to wanting to smoke
742. 25:19um so i've tried to regulate it but i'm
743. 25:22still kind of on that on that journey
744. 25:24you know you feel like pot is addictive
745. 25:26yeah totally yeah it's very hard for me
746. 25:28i i don't know a lot of people would be
747. 25:30like oh that's you you can get off of it
748. 25:32anytime i'm like huh
749. 25:33but i think i've gotten it um i've tried
750. 25:36to
751. 25:37regulate it so that it's not the
752. 25:40type of smoking i was doing in the past
753. 25:42of like i had to be high before every
754. 25:45single thing i mean i would try to go
755. 25:47home
756. 25:48because when i lived in my apartment i
757. 25:49was like okay i'm going to not smoke in
758. 25:51my car anymore because that's just
759. 25:52stupid you know then the dui like all
760. 25:54that so then i just ended up going home
761. 25:57i would go home before everything to
762. 25:58like smoke a bowl or two
763. 26:01and a lot of my family members knew what
764. 26:02was going on it was very obvious and
765. 26:05when i added the tobacco was when i just
766. 26:07kind of
767. 26:08dropped a ton of weight was very
768. 26:09unhealthy um
769. 26:11and the reason i stopped actually i just
770. 26:13one day i coughed
771. 26:15coughed up like some kind of black mucus
772. 26:17and i just remember i was 22 and i was
773. 26:19like
774. 26:20if this is happening as i'm 22 i do not
775. 26:22know what is going to happen in
776. 26:2410 years that's not that that's not a
777. 26:26good sign so i actually just bagged up
778. 26:28everything in a garbage bag
779. 26:30threw it over into a dumpster
780. 26:33and moved back home to
781. 26:35to sober up for i went about eight or
782. 26:37nine months how has your mom been
783. 26:38through all of this very uh very
784. 26:41supportive um like i said our my senior
785. 26:44year we had a little fall a little
786. 26:45breakaway um i was a little distant but
787. 26:48through everything
788. 26:50um yeah i probably wouldn't be here uh
789. 26:52without her that's great yeah
790. 26:55definitely not where do you want to take
791. 26:57your life now you're 25 you have plenty
792. 26:59of
793. 27:00yeah um i definitely want to do
794. 27:02now i see myself in a career so i do
795. 27:05sales now um so that's kind of the
796. 27:08career path i've been feeling like i'm
797. 27:10i'm
798. 27:12i'm good at um
799. 27:14i would like to
800. 27:15kind of get um
801. 27:17get into things like helping those with
802. 27:20um mental health like that's something
803. 27:22i've and so i've been contemplating
804. 27:24going back to school or maybe even just
805. 27:26using the degree i have to try to go and
806. 27:29and do stuff like that so i would like
807. 27:31to um
808. 27:33to do some help and i guess yeah i just
809. 27:35have a career i that's that's all i can
810. 27:37see right that's all i can see right now
811. 27:39um i don't have all the little things
812. 27:41mapped out yep stabilizing yourself
813. 27:43mentally is a big part of yeah being
814. 27:45able to think this way yep yeah so now
815. 27:47it's crazy yeah now lowering the
816. 27:49medication and kind of really stopping
817. 27:52the consistent weed smoking because now
818. 27:54it's just like
819. 27:55you know i mean
820. 27:57i cbd will be a little more often but if
821. 27:59i want to do like a joint or something i
822. 28:01try to limit it to maybe one twice a
823. 28:03week i try not to go every day and like
824. 28:06get into depending on it to like get
825. 28:08through the night so
826. 28:10with all of that lowering i just have
827. 28:12been like i can actually see
828. 28:15i can like see my future now because a
829. 28:17long all that time
830. 28:19i did not see anything for myself it was
831. 28:21almost like i
832. 28:23i would deal with some suicidal thoughts
833. 28:25but i never wanted to
834. 28:27i had all the love and support for my
835. 28:29family it never made me want to make
836. 28:30that that um
837. 28:32do that action but uh definitely was
838. 28:34like i guess the best way i could say it
839. 28:36is like i was okay with dying like at
840. 28:38any time because i just did not like see
841. 28:41i didn't see anything for myself so if
842. 28:44that's i guess that's kind of a weird
843. 28:45way to put i don't know but
844. 28:47jenna what would you say is the most
845. 28:49important thing you've learned through
846. 28:50all this
847. 28:51uh i would say the most important thing
848. 28:56just that
849. 28:57that working on yourself um
850. 29:00it takes work for
851. 29:02for me and it was just
852. 29:03it wasn't something that i could easily
853. 29:05do i think
854. 29:07um taking the time to figure out what
855. 29:10works for you and like all these
856. 29:11medications are still a mystery to it
857. 29:13yeah to everyone it seems
858. 29:15yeah and i i guess you know um again it
859. 29:18is like everybody's own journey and
860. 29:20maybe latuta worked for some people like
861. 29:22things like that you know so it's not to
862. 29:23say what could work for you what could
863. 29:25not
864. 29:26but just the most important thing i
865. 29:28think is like being in touch with
866. 29:30yourself and your emotions and how
867. 29:32you're feeling
868. 29:33um and
869. 29:35you know i that was what was worked for
870. 29:38me was my just being self-aware of like
871. 29:40how i was um feeling and
872. 29:43you know just taking the steps that you
873. 29:44can to
874. 29:46to work on you put yourself first and
875. 29:49i think that's really important
876. 29:52all right gianna thank you so much for
877. 29:53sharing your story thank you so much
878. 29:54wish you the best of luck awesome thank
879. 29:56you
880. 30:22you