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My Son’s Text: “We Need to Step Away From You.” What I Did That Night Changed Everything — Transcript

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0:00At 9:52 on a Tuesday night in early
0:02September, my son sent me a text that
0:05ended 38 years of being his mother, or
0:08so he thought.
0:09I was standing at the kitchen counter in
0:11my slippers, pouring hot water over a
0:15red rose tea bag, and hoping it would
0:17settle the ache in my knuckles.
0:20The phone buzzed against the counter. I
0:22assumed it was a photo of my grandson,
0:25Leo, who is seven and has recently
0:28discovered that a tooth can be a
0:30bargaining chip. Before the rest of this
0:33story, tell me where you're hearing it
0:35from.
0:36Every town you name makes my day.
0:39It was a long block of text from Evan's
0:41number.
0:43Mom, Britney and I have talked it over
0:46and we need to step away from you.
0:48Your energy is too heavy for our family
0:51tame. You're suffocating and negative.
0:53Please don't try to find us. We are
0:56finished with this relationship. I read
0:59it twice. The tea bag slipped off its
1:01string and sank to the bottom of the
1:04mug. I didn't cry.
1:07I noticed that about myself even as it
1:09was happening. I knew those words and
1:12they didn't belong to my son.
1:14Evan has never in his life said the word
1:16energy unless he was talking about a
1:19hockey team. That was Britney talking.
1:22She had a way of speaking as if she were
1:24reading from a pamphlet at a wellness
1:27retreat. But Evan had typed it or at
1:30least he had let it be typed on his
1:32phone and he had pressed send. His thumb
1:35had been on that button.
1:38My name is Joyce. I'm 68 years old, a
1:41widow, retired from the school board
1:43office in Hamilton, Ontario, where I
1:47spent 31 years being the person who knew
1:50where everything was. I have a small
1:53brick bungalow, a vegetable garden, and
1:55a very good neighbor. And for four
1:58years, I had been the quiet floor under
2:00my son's feet.
2:02I'll tell you what I felt standing
2:04there. It wasn't heartbreak, not yet.
2:07It was something closer to a latch
2:09clicking into place.
2:11For years, I had swallowed the rolled
2:13eyes, the canceled visits, the phone
2:16calls that only came when something was
2:18needed.
2:19I told myself that mothers endure. I'd
2:22said it so often, it had turned into a
2:25kind of religion.
2:27I picked up the phone and opened my
2:28banking app. I went to the
2:30pre-authorized payments and the
2:32recurring e-transfers. There were two. I
2:36typed my reply slowly with steady hands.
2:40No problem.
2:41I'll be canceling the monthly payments
2:43toward your mortgage and your truck
2:46effective right now.
2:48I sent it.
2:49Then I deleted the $1,350
2:53mortgage transfer and the $610
2:56truck payment.
2:58Done. I rinsed out the mug, turned off
3:01the kitchen light, and went to bed. I
3:03slept better than I had in months.
3:06I woke at 6:00, the way I always do.
3:10The house hummed. The light came through
3:12the blinds in thin stripes. For the
3:15first time in years, I didn't open my
3:17eyes thinking about Britney's budget or
3:20Evan's latest business idea or whether I
3:23was being a burden by existing.
3:25I made coffee and opened the laptop at
3:28the dining room table.
3:30I wanted to see my own life in plain
3:32numbers. So, I scrolled back through 4
3:35years of statements. Evan had left his
3:37steady job at the distribution center to
3:40start a home renovation company, and
3:42Britney had cut her hours at the dental
3:45office to be present for Leo.
3:48Every month since I had sent $1,960.
3:53It was nearly all of my Canada Pension
3:55Plan and Old Age Security. I was living
3:59on what was left of it and on the small
4:01pension Wayne's work had left me,
4:05I bought no-name groceries and waited
4:07for flyer sales at No Frills. I hadn't
4:10bought a winter coat in 6 years. The
4:12guest room window had a crack across one
4:15corner that I'd been taping since March.
4:18Why? Because Evan needed a newer truck
4:21for the business, and Britney needed a
4:24house in a better school catchment. And
4:26it was always only for now.
4:29My phone rang at 8:10.
4:32I didn't have to look.
4:33Evan's name, and then a text from
4:36Britney's number right behind it. As if
4:39they'd been standing in the same room.
4:41Mom, what do you mean cancel? The
4:44mortgage comes out on Friday.
4:46Friday was still 2 days away. I took a
4:49sip of my coffee. It tasted wonderful.
4:52I didn't answer.
4:54Another text came 2 minutes later. Evan
4:57is under so much stress right now. The
4:59business is finally getting somewhere.
5:02We need that transfer. Please don't
5:04overreact.
5:06Overreact. That had always been the word
5:08for me. If I asked to see Leo on a
5:11weekend, I was being demanding. If I
5:14said I couldn't afford a big birthday
5:16gift, I was being dramatic. Now I was
5:19overreacting by giving them precisely
5:22what they'd asked for.
5:24I blocked Evan's number, then Britney's.
5:27I wasn't going to argue by text. They'd
5:30wanted a life without me in it, and I
5:33was going to honor that. Beginning with
5:35the part of me they actually used.
5:38At 9:30, the doorbell rang. Through the
5:41peephole, I saw them on my front step.
5:44Evan had his arms crossed so tightly,
5:47his jacket bunched at the shoulders.
5:49Britney stood a half step behind him,
5:52pale, gripping a purse that cost more
5:55than my washing machine.
5:56I opened the door and stayed in the
5:58frame.
5:59I didn't step back to let them in.
6:02"Mom, why aren't you picking up?" Evan
6:05said.
6:06"You asked me not to look for you," I
6:08said. "I'm respecting that."
6:11Britney spoke the way she always spoke
6:13to me, without a title, as if I were a
6:16coworker she'd been told to put up with.
6:19"Joyce, this is ridiculous." Evan said
6:22some things in the moment. "Obviously,
6:25you can't just pull the rug out from
6:27under us."
6:28"You said we were finished."
6:31"We said we needed space," she said.
6:34"Not that you should punish us."
6:36"I'm not punishing anyone, Britney."
6:39"You wrote that my energy was too
6:41heavy." "I'm lightening the load."
6:43Evan's face went red. "Mom, we don't
6:46have the 1400. It's due Friday."
6:50"1350," I said. "I covered the
6:53difference between what you could afford
6:55and what you wanted.
6:57You have a house and a truck. Pay for
6:59them."
7:00Britney reached for my hand. I looked at
7:03her fingers, then at her face, and I
7:06searched for regret over what she had
7:08written.
7:09I found panic, nothing else. The bank
7:12machine had closed, and that was her
7:14whole grief.
7:16I noticed the key ring dangling from
7:18Evan's hand, a brass key with a bit of
7:21green tape on it, the spare to my back
7:23door. "Since we're keeping our
7:25distance," I said, "I'll take that
7:28back."
7:29He didn't even resist. He was too
7:31surprised. I unhooked it from the ring
7:34and closed my fingers around it.
7:37"Have a good day," I said, and shut the
7:39door.
7:40I turned the deadbolt. Through the wood,
7:43I heard Evan swear, then Britney's heels
7:46clicking away down the walk. I dropped
7:49the key into the ceramic dish by the
7:51door. It made a small, satisfying clink.
7:55That afternoon, I was out back pulling
7:57the last of the dead tomato vines when
8:00my neighbor, Martha, put her head over
8:02the fence. Martha is 73 and has lived
8:06next door for 22 years. She misses
8:10nothing.
8:11"Heard some shouting at your front door
8:13this morning." She said.
8:16Evan and Brittany stopped by. It was
8:18short.
8:20She made a noise in her throat. "I was
8:22at Costco last weekend. Saw your Evan
8:25loading a television into that truck of
8:27his. A huge thing. 75 in at least. The
8:32young fellow helping him asked if they
8:34were putting in a theater. And Evan went
8:36on about the basement being finished
8:38into a home theater."
8:41She watched my face.
8:43I didn't want to say, "But Joyce, those
8:46two treat you like a bank machine with a
8:48pulse.
8:49Brittany posts the wine tour weekends in
8:51Niagara. You never get a seat in that
8:54car, do you?"
8:56"No." I said, "I don't."
8:58They'd been spending money on a theater
9:01while I did arithmetic over my blood
9:03pressure pills. They'd been sipping
9:06Riesling while telling me I was
9:08negative.
9:09They weren't struggling. They were
9:12rearranging their money toward luxuries
9:14because they knew I'd cover the
9:16necessities.
9:18"Come have tea." Martha said, "I made a
9:20lemon loaf."
9:22I sat in her kitchen for an hour.
9:24I didn't tell her everything. I don't
9:27air family laundry over a fence. But I
9:30told her I'd cut them off, and she
9:32lifted her cup and said, "About time,
9:34Joyce." And I felt something in my chest
9:37loosen.
9:38That was only the first stitch.
9:41When I got home, I sat down with a
9:43notepad and wrote out every place my
9:45life was tangled up with theirs.
9:48I intended to clean house properly.
9:51On Thursday, I drove to the Rogers store
9:54on Upper James.
9:56Three years ago, Evan had talked me into
9:58a family plan in my name to save
10:01everyone money.
10:03What it actually did was let me pay the
10:05$200 bill while they got unlimited data
10:08and new phones every other year. A young
10:11man named Tyler sat me down at the
10:13counter.
10:14"I can move them to their own account,
10:16Mrs. Hart," he said, "but somebody has
10:19to take on the balance of those two
10:22phones."
10:23"Not me," I said. "Cancel the lines if
10:26you must. My name comes off both devices
10:29today."
10:30It took 45 minutes and a modest penalty,
10:33and I walked out with one phone and a
10:35bill of $44.
10:38I felt lighter with every step to the
10:40car.
10:41In the parking lot, I logged into
10:43Netflix and Disney Plus on my phone,
10:46changed both passwords,
10:48and signed everyone out of everything.
10:51When I got home, my landline was
10:54ringing. I almost never use it, but Evan
10:57knew the number. I let the machine take
10:59it. His voice filled the living room,
11:02tight and breathless.
11:04"Mom, our phones just cut out. I was in
11:07the middle of a quote with a client. Did
11:09you do something to the account? Netflix
11:12is logged out, too. Call me back right
11:14now. This isn't funny."
11:17I didn't smile. Exactly. I made a
11:19sandwich. I wasn't being cruel. I was
11:22handing them back their own
11:24responsibilities,
11:25the way you'd return a borrowed ladder.
11:28They wanted to be independent of me, and
11:31I thought they should have the full
11:32experience.
11:34There was one more thread. A couple of
11:36years back, when Evan and Britney were
11:38redoing their garage, they'd asked to
11:41keep a few totes in my rented storage
11:43unit out on Barton Street.
11:46I drove over that afternoon and rolled
11:49up the door.
11:50I stood there a long moment. Wayne's red
11:53tool chest and my boxes of winter
11:56clothes were wedged in the back corner
11:58behind a wall of their things. Two
12:00kayaks they'd used once, a hockey net,
12:03Leo's outgrown baby furniture, the
12:05expensive kind, Home Depot core they
12:08swapped out every season, stacks of
12:10cartons from one of Evan's failed ideas,
12:14a line of imported patio heaters that
12:16nobody had wanted. They had filled the
12:19place.
12:20I'd been paying $140 a month to house
12:24their clutter.
12:25Stay with me because the next part
12:27matters. But first I'm curious.
12:30Helping the people we love is one of the
12:33oldest instincts we have and it isn't
12:35always easy to know where help ends.
12:39Has helping your grown children ever
12:40felt more like being used than being
12:43loved?
12:44I didn't phone.
12:46I walked to the office and told the
12:48manager I was giving my 30 days notice.
12:51For $50 cash,
12:53two young men helped me carry Wayne's
12:55tools and my boxes out to the car.
12:58We left everything else exactly where it
13:01stood.
13:02Back home, I carried the tool chest into
13:05my own garage and wiped the lid with a
13:07rag. It felt good to have his things
13:10near me again.
13:11That evening, I unblocked Britney's
13:13number for exactly long enough to send
13:16one message.
13:18I have given notice on the storage unit.
13:21It's paid through September 30th.
13:24After that, the manager will need you to
13:26sign your own agreement.
13:28I blocked her again before the phone
13:30could buzz.
13:32I kept something else to myself during
13:34those weeks.
13:35Evan and Britney had the down payment on
13:38that house because of me.
13:40Five years before, Wayne's old friend
13:43Larry, who practiced real estate law,
13:46had drawn up a simple loan agreement
13:49when I lent them $40,000
13:51from our savings. Wayne had insisted on
13:54paper before he died.
13:56"Family or not, Joyce," he'd said,
13:58"write it down." Evan signed it at
14:01Larry's office, grinning, saying saying
14:04it was a formality. It said the loan was
14:06repayable on 60 days written notice. I
14:09had never thought I'd need it.
14:11The Monday after the storage unit, I put
14:13on my good blazer and went to see Larry.
14:17I came out with an envelope and a
14:19registered letter went to Evan and
14:21Britney the next morning.
14:2260 days as agreed and not a day more.
14:26$40,000
14:28due the 12th of November.
14:30October arrived with a bite in the air
14:33and Thanksgiving coming up.
14:35Our Thanksgiving, the real one, the
14:37second Monday of October.
14:40For 5 years I had hosted. I bought the
14:42free-range turkey that Britney insisted
14:45on, cooked for 3 days, and scrubbed the
14:49roasting pan alone while Evan watched
14:52the game and Britney scrolled her phone.
14:55I assumed I wouldn't hear from them. I
14:58was wrong.
14:5910 days before the holiday, an email
15:02landed in my inbox from Britney.
15:05Joyce, my mom and her husband are coming
15:08for Thanksgiving.
15:09We're hosting at our place.
15:11Since you already know how to do the
15:13turkey and the sides, we'd like you to
15:15make them and drop everything at the
15:17side door by noon on Monday. We're
15:20keeping the table small this year, but
15:22we'd appreciate the help with the food.
15:25We'll e-transfer you for groceries.
15:28I stared at the screen. The nerve of it
15:31was almost beautiful. They wouldn't have
15:33me at the table, but they expected me to
15:36buy, cook, and deliver the meal
15:39like a caterer they didn't have to pay.
15:42I knew what it was about. Britney's
15:44mother, Brenda, had never once visited
15:47their home without a full spread, and
15:50Britney had bragged about the spreads as
15:53if she'd made them.
15:55She wanted Brenda to see the perfect
15:57holiday, and she had a long habit of me
16:00delivering it.
16:01Brenda was no fool, though.
16:04I'd met her many times at birthday
16:05parties,
16:07and she'd always asked after me kindly,
16:09and Britney had always steered her away.
16:13A year ago I would have cried and and
16:15gone to the grocery store for a 20-lb
16:18bird, desperate for any crumb of
16:21approval.
16:22I typed two words, "No, thank you."
16:25Then I closed the laptop and walked next
16:27door.
16:29"Martha,"
16:30I said when she opened her door,
16:32"what are you doing for Thanksgiving?"
16:35"My kids are with their in-laws this
16:36year. Just me and a very small chicken.
16:40Come."
16:41"I'll bring wine and a butter tart pie,"
16:43I said.
16:45Thanksgiving Monday was beautifully
16:47quiet. I slept in. I watched a movie in
16:50my housecoat. At noon, I baked, and the
16:53kitchen filled with the smell of brown
16:55sugar and butter.
16:57At 1:30, I walked over to Martha's and
16:59found a little table laid by her window.
17:02We poured cold white wine and toasted to
17:05good health and quiet lives.
17:08At 2:15, my landline rang. I'd forwarded
17:11it to my cell, and the cell buzzed on
17:13the table.
17:15Evan's number. I let it ring. 10 minutes
17:18later, it rang again, and this time the
17:20screen showed a number I didn't know.
17:23Martha lifted an eyebrow. "Trouble?"
17:26"Someone forgot to hire a caterer."
17:29The unknown number left a voicemail,
17:32and I played it after dinner.
17:34It was Brenda.
17:36"Joyce, it's Brenda,
17:38Britney's mother. I'm standing in my
17:40daughter's kitchen, and there is no
17:42turkey, and Britney keeps telling me you
17:45were supposed to make it. Then she says
17:48it's complicated.
17:50I don't understand any of this.
17:52Could you please call me?"
17:54I sat with the phone in my hand.
17:56There was nothing cruel in her voice.
17:59She sounded frightened and ashamed in a
18:02way she hadn't earned.
18:04After a while, I called her back from
18:06Martha's porch.
18:08"I'm sorry to ruin your dinner, Brenda,"
18:10I said.
18:11"Don't you apologize to me," she said.
18:14She had gone quiet and slow. "Joyce,
18:17I've just heard from my daughter what
18:19you've been doing for them. 4 years. I
18:22had no idea. I thought Evan's business
18:25was doing well. Britney told me they'd
18:27taken a loan.
18:29"They did take a loan." I said, "from
18:31me."
18:32I heard her inhale. "I'd like to come
18:34see you." she said, "if you're willing,
18:37not for them, for me."
18:39"Come Wednesday." I said, "I'll put the
18:42kettle on."
18:43She came with a box of shortbread and
18:46sat at my dining room table. She is 70,
18:49a retired nurse, and she cried without
18:52making any noise. I told her the whole
18:55of it. She asked to see the loan
18:57agreement and I showed her. She read it
18:59twice.
19:00"Evan will ask me for money."
19:02she said, "Britney already has, twice
19:05since last year. I gave her 2,000 in the
19:08spring and never asked why. I won't give
19:12another dime to bail out a decision they
19:14made."
19:15She folded the page.
19:17"And I won't ask you to take it easy on
19:18them. You've been generous to people who
19:21didn't deserve it, Joyce."
19:23My daughter wrote that message. I know
19:26her phrasing. I'm ashamed.
19:29I didn't know what to say, so I poured
19:31more tea.
19:32Two days later, Evan came to my house.
19:35I was sweeping the porch when his truck
19:38jerked into the driveway.
19:40He slammed the door and stormed up the
19:42walk.
19:43His face the color of brick.
19:46"You humiliated us." he shouted before
19:48he reached the steps. "Britney's mother
19:51walked out of our house. We ended up
19:53eating frozen pizza on Thanksgiving.
19:55You've made us look like idiots."
19:58I kept sweeping. "Good morning, Evan."
20:01"Don't do the calm routine."
20:04He took the first step. "You knew what
20:06you were doing. The mortgage payment
20:08bounced. It's going to hurt our credit."
20:12I rested my hands on the broom. "I
20:14canceled that transfer 5 weeks ago.
20:17If you didn't have the money, that's
20:19your budget, not mine."
20:22"We're family. You're supposed to help
20:24us.
20:25"You wrote that you were finished with
20:27me." I said.
20:29"You wrote that I should never find
20:30you."
20:31"Brittany was stressed. She wrote half
20:34of it. You know how she gets."
20:37"Half of it." I said, "And you sent it."
20:40He didn't have an answer for that.
20:42I looked at him, a grown man of 38 in a
20:46jacket with his name stitched on the
20:48chest, standing on my steps, throwing a
20:51tantrum because his mother had stopped
20:53paying his bills.
20:55He wasn't frightening. He was a boy who
20:58had never been told no by the one person
21:01who loved him enough to say it.
21:03"There's also the registered letter you
21:05signed for last month." I said, "From
21:08Larry Franklin's office.
21:10The 40,000 is due on the 12th. Read it
21:13carefully. It's the paper you signed."
21:17His mouth opened. "You can't be serious.
21:20We can't pay that."
21:21"Then you should talk to a realtor."
21:23I picked up the broom.
21:25"Or your mother-in-law. She knows about
21:28it."
21:29I went inside and slid the chain into
21:31place. I did not look back. I did not
21:34need to.
21:35Six months have to go by in a story
21:37before you see the change in a person,
21:40and I'll tell you what they held.
21:43Spring came early.
21:45I hired a contractor to replace the
21:47guest room window, and I stood in the
21:49doorway watching him lift out the
21:51cracked glass, and I nearly cried. I
21:54bought a winter coat on clearance, wool
21:57in a deep green.
21:58I signed up for a bus tour of the
22:00Maritimes for the fall. My bank balance
22:03grew a little every month, then a lot.
22:06My doctor, looking at the numbers on my
22:08chart, said, "Whatever you're doing,
22:11keep doing it."
22:12I missed Leo.
22:14That was the only wound that didn't
22:16close.
22:17I thought about his tooth stories and
22:20his drawing of me as a stick figure with
22:22a very large handbag.
22:24But I told myself that if I went back on
22:27their terms just to hold him, I'd be
22:29teaching him that people who love you
22:31can be treated like furniture.
22:33So I waited. I wrote him a postcard
22:36every month addressed to him at his own
22:39home. I never knew whether he got them.
22:42On the 12th of November, Evan and
22:45Britney could not pay.
22:47Larry wrote to them again.
22:49He was courteous about it, but he was
22:51exact. The house was listed in January.
22:55In February, the truck, which had fallen
22:58behind on payments for months, was
23:00repossessed from their driveway one cold
23:02morning. Evan's renovation company had
23:05never really been a company. And with
23:07the financing gone and the customers
23:10drifting off, it folded by March.
23:13Brenda, true to her word, gave neither
23:16of them a penny.
23:18I found out the rest from Larry and from
23:21Brenda, who now phones me every second
23:23Sunday.
23:25She told me that Britney had been
23:27standing in the driveway in her slippers
23:29the morning the tow truck came and that
23:31she'd screamed at Evan that this was his
23:33mother's doing.
23:35Evan had said, very quietly, that it was
23:38theirs.
23:39The house sold in April.
23:41It cleared the mortgage and left just
23:43enough to repay me with Larry taking his
23:47fee out of the interest. I went to his
23:49office on a Tuesday to collect the
23:52check.
23:53Britney and Evan were in the waiting
23:55room when I arrived. I hadn't expected
23:58that. I stopped in the doorway.
24:01Britney looked smaller. Her hair was
24:03tied back with an elastic, no makeup,
24:07a thin coat I didn't recognize.
24:10Evan wore the same kind of work jacket,
24:12but with the name of a big box hardware
24:14store on it.
24:16He was in the flooring department at
24:17Canadian Tire now, I'd been told,
24:20evenings only. They were renting a
24:22two-bedroom apartment above a dry
24:24cleaner in Stoney Creek. Brenda had
24:27refused to let them move into her
24:30basement.
24:31Britney stood up. For a moment, she
24:33looked as though she'd say something
24:35sharp out of habit.
24:38Then her face crumpled.
24:40"Joyce," she said. It was the first time
24:43she'd said my name with anything in it
24:45besides contempt. "I'm so sorry. About
24:48the message, about all of it. I thought
24:51you would always just be there."
24:53"I know you did," I said.
24:56Evan stepped forward. His eyes were red.
24:59"Mom," he said. The word sounded rough
25:02in his mouth. "I was a coward. I let her
25:05say what I should have been ashamed to
25:07think. I let you give and give, and I
25:10treated it like weather. I'm not asking
25:12for money. I just want you to know I see
25:15it now."
25:16I looked at my son. I loved him. That
25:18was the unbearable part, that it hadn't
25:21stopped. But love was never the same as
25:24paying.
25:25"I believe you're sorry, Evan," I said.
25:28"I'm not sure you'd have been sorry if
25:29the money hadn't stopped.
25:32Only you know that. What I can tell you
25:35is what happens next."
25:37He nodded, waiting.
25:39"I'm not going to finance you again, not
25:41a dollar. If you want me in your life,
25:44it will be as a mother and a
25:45grandmother, and you'll treat me that
25:47way, with respect, on my terms, and
25:50you'll earn it slowly."
25:52I turned to Britney. "And that goes for
25:55you.
25:56You'll call me Joyce or Mrs. Hart, I
25:59don't mind which.
26:00But you'll say it like you'd say a
26:02person's name, not a bill."
26:05"Yes," Britney whispered.
26:07"Leo can come on Saturdays," I said. And
26:10I heard my own voice crack on his name,
26:12with Evan. Two hours to start.
26:16Britney, you can drive him, but you'll
26:18wait in the car until you've earned the
26:19porch."
26:20She wiped her face with the back of her
26:22hand. She didn't argue.
26:26Behind her, through the glass, I could
26:28see the lot where Evan's old truck had
26:30once taken up two spaces.
26:33And a bus sat there now, idling, waiting
26:36for people who couldn't afford to drive.
26:38Larry's secretary slid the check across
26:41her desk. I signed for it. I tucked it
26:44into my purse next to a postcard I'd
26:46bought for Leo, one with a loon on it,
26:49and I walked out into the April light.
26:52The next Saturday at 10:00, there was a
26:55knock on my door. I opened it, and a
26:57small boy with a gap in his teeth looked
27:00up at me holding a drawing and said,
27:03"Grandma, I got your postcards."
27:06I stepped back and let them in.
27:09Loving your children and funding their
27:11lifestyle are not always the same thing.
27:14When did you first realize that saying
27:17no to a grown child might be the kindest
27:20thing you could do?

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