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My Relationship went from Dead to Alive when I understood THIS... — Transcript

by Jimmy on Relationships · 4,270 words · 620 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00all right these leaves represent your
0:01relationship I took two leaves from the
0:03same healthy plant one of them was given
0:06sunlight and water and soil and the
0:08other wasn't and it died and that
0:11doesn't surprise anyone does it we all
0:12know what a plant needs to survive
0:14that's obvious right the question is do
0:17you know what your relationship needs to
0:19survive what is sunlight and water in
0:21that context because some things lead to
0:24life in your relationship and other
0:26things lead to death do you know what
0:28they are because we act surprised when
0:29our relationships end we say things like
0:31we just fell out of love or I don't know
0:33what happened but the truth is your
0:35plant was being deprived and one or both
0:37of you didn't realize it just like I
0:39didn't but that ignorance comes at a
0:42cost and if you've never asked that
0:43question with your partner then I think
0:45there's no better day in today than to
0:46Simply ask them in your opinion can you
0:49tell me what you believe a relationship
0:51needs to survive and as they are talking
0:53don't interrupt don't correct don't roll
0:55your eyes don't react just try to
0:59understand that means listening first
1:00and nodding and asking open-ended
1:02follow-up questions like what led you to
1:04think or feel that or why do you believe
1:07that's so important or what are some
1:08examples you've seen where that worked
1:10best or how would you like that to show
1:12up specifically in your relationship
1:14because if you ever want to have a
1:15partnership with another person I think
1:17it's essential that we actually care
1:19about what each other believes is
1:21necessary for that to even succeed right
1:24and yet if you're like me I had never
1:26asked those questions and the truth is
1:28we all have an answer to that question
1:30and it affects everything about
1:32everything about your relationship
1:33together doesn't it let's stop burying
1:36our heads in the sand like it doesn't
1:37exist and let's talk about it all right
1:39so let's answer that question what does
1:41your relationship need first and
1:43foremost it will always need safety the
1:45entire reason you started this
1:46partnership with another person was
1:48because you wanted to feel something
1:50with them didn't you you wanted to
1:52experience love you wanted closeness and
1:54connection with them right you will
1:56never experience any of those longterm
1:58without feeling safe
2:00physically or emotionally we simply
2:02cannot be someone who is violent or
2:04aggressive or full of Rage there's a
2:06zero tolerance policy for any physical
2:08harm and if you've ever engaged in that
2:11behavior I can have compassion and
2:13empathy for you because I know you've
2:15had a very rough childhood and
2:16experienced a lot of pain yourself
2:19however you are still accountable and
2:21need to get help and heal and to the
2:23best of your ability repair the damage
2:25you've done to those you've hurt because
2:27no one ever deserves to be abused
2:29physically or emotionally and hurt
2:31people hurt people and if you've ever
2:33been on the receiving end of any abuse I
2:35just want to say I'm so sorry for what
2:37you have been through my prayer is that
2:38you never internalize that and think
2:41that you deserved it somehow you are
2:43valuable and worthy of kindness and
2:45respect you aren't broken or flawed
2:47you're wonderful and you deserve love
2:50starting with yourself physical safety
2:52is extremely important but a
2:53relationship still won't survive without
2:55emotional safety as well closeness and
2:58connection will die in environment ments
3:00where there is consistent yelling or
3:01name calling or disrespect or disgust I
3:05don't care if that's how your parents
3:06fought I don't care if that's how your
3:07other relationships went it's not
3:09healthy mature or sustainable and it
3:12will always lead away from love not
3:15towards it this doesn't mean that you
3:16won't get into fights or disrespect each
3:18other or lose your temper or get
3:20triggered but we have to be working
3:22towards maturity and maturity takes
3:24accountability we stop blaming our
3:26parents we stop blaming our partner or
3:28our past we take responsibility for what
3:31we need to do different maturity means
3:33learning how to apologize it's not
3:35weakness it's strength it's humility and
3:38it's attractive maturity means owning
3:40our triggers owning our own destructive
3:43defaults that we all have analyzing our
3:45conflicts trying to figure out where we
3:47can learn from them and grow Perfection
3:49isn't the goal growth is and growth is
3:52learning how to speak to each other in a
3:53more respectful and vulnerable tone
3:56understanding and expressing your needs
3:58Without Blame or criticism growth is
4:00learning how to take breaks when you can
4:01feel yourself getting too heated growth
4:03is pausing even if it's just for a split
4:06second when you used to become defensive
4:07or interrupt or dismiss them and instead
4:10be curious about what they are
4:12experiencing or feeling in that moment
4:14now people will push back and say hey
4:16that's not fair I only yell at them and
4:18I only get Critical with them because
4:20they're neglecting me or they don't
4:21listen to me in the first place okay
4:23these are two sides of the same coin
4:25neither is Right relationships can't
4:27survive if one partner feels ionically
4:30neglected or when we think we're
4:32Justified to speak to them however we
4:34want because they hurt us first that's
4:36called immaturity now it's true that
4:38couples stay together in those
4:39environments all the time I mean this
4:41plant still exists it's still in the pot
4:44it's just not alive or growing or
4:46maturing and that's the majority of
4:48relationships out there dying that was
4:51my relationship in the past and I'm not
4:52a coach or a counselor I'm not selling
4:54you anything I'm simply here to remind
4:56you that your path has a destination
4:58some paths lead to life other paths lead
5:01to death are you feeding your
5:04relationship or depriving it because the
5:06sad truth is one person alone can't
5:08provide it with the water or sunlight
5:10that it needs to thrive it takes both of
5:13you there's simply no room for
5:14self-centeredness in these Partnerships
5:16their needs matter just as much as yours
5:17do I mean if you want this thing to
5:19actually be successful if you want to be
5:21blindsided in a few years when they
5:22leave then keep acting like your needs
5:24are somehow Superior to theirs there's
5:26no room for dominant Behavior there's no
5:28room for pride you are equals therefore
5:31you both deserve respect but if you're
5:34not giving it you're not going to get it
5:36that might work at your job but it's not
5:38going to work in your romantic
5:39relationships no one causes you to yell
5:41at each other no one causes you to
5:43become rageful no one causes you to
5:45disrespect them or neglect them now that
5:47doesn't mean I don't have Grace for you
5:49those behaviors those coping mechanisms
5:51were heavily influenced by your past and
5:54your childhood but I can have empathy
5:56for your traumas and wounds and for how
5:58you learned how to to become safe as a
6:00child by either becoming anxious or
6:02hypervigilant to disconnection or
6:05disconnecting from yourself and turning
6:06off your feelings and shutting down
6:08during conflict and avoiding intimacy
6:10altogether those things make sense but
6:13healing is still our responsibility
6:15right it's our choice whether or not
6:16we're going to stay ignorant to what any
6:18intimate relationship demands from all
6:20of us or we want to keep doing things
6:22our own way and keep wondering why it's
6:24not working and listen I know how hard
6:26this is I'm the guy who never
6:28communicated my actual needs or
6:30boundaries and then I would just get
6:32resentful and become Furious and
6:33critical and disrespectful and call them
6:35names or dismiss them as a way to punish
6:37them because I desperately wanted them
6:39to feel the pain that I was feeling deep
6:41down the truth is if you're being taken
6:43for granted if your boundaries are being
6:45neglected your anger is telling you
6:47something your resentment is telling you
6:49something there's signals saying this is
6:52not fair you're feeling abandoned and
6:54taken for granted and that makes sense
6:57it's real but the answer isn't lashing
6:59back out at them to pay them back the
7:01answer is realizing where we need to do
7:03a better job at communicating advocating
7:05for our needs and enforcing our
7:07boundaries now I know what you're
7:08thinking but they're not going to listen
7:10they don't care or they're just going to
7:11do whatever they want because they're
7:13just a
7:14narcissist here's my answer that's a
7:16path unfortunately I know that
7:19destination and it's going to lead to
7:20the death of this relationship because
7:23the thriving relationship is one where
7:24both Partners actually care how the
7:26other person feels right two people
7:28can't experience closeness if one person
7:30doesn't care how the other person feels
7:32hurt alone or disconnected that
7:35relationship will always die why because
7:38there's no trust Dr Sue Johnson the
7:40creator of emotionally focused therapy
7:42says there's one thing that matters in
7:44your relationship one thing separates it
7:47all it's not how you fight it's not your
7:49communication skills of course those
7:50play a role but there's one thing that
7:52we have to get right in our
7:54relationships or else it can't succeed
7:57and it's emotional responsiveness trust
7:59is so much more than confidence that
8:01your partner isn't going to cheat on you
8:02trust is confidence that your partner is
8:05there for you when you need them that
8:07they care about you they care about what
8:08you need to feel safe loved appreciated
8:10and desired that they think you're
8:12important enough to respond to with
8:14kindness and compassion trust is faith
8:17that when I need them if I reach for
8:19them during a vulnerable moment that
8:21they will be there for me I can count on
8:23them they are my person trust doesn't
8:26require Perfection just consistency if
8:29we truly want to say that we love
8:30someone we should want them to feel like
8:32they can trust our words and actions
8:33right that they have confidence in us as
8:35a partner that we will move in their
8:37Direction when they are hurt or in pain
8:39especially if we unintentionally caused
8:41it the way this shows up so often is in
8:43our conflicts we have to work on how
8:46we're bringing things up which we have
8:48every right to do with respect and love
8:51and we have to work on how we receive
8:53those things with curiosity and empathy
8:55and validation and I won't go into too
8:57much detail on this cuz I already made a
8:58whole video about about how to stop
9:00fighting in your relationships and I'll
9:01link it in the description if you're
9:02interested but it's so important that we
9:04remember that we're all more sensitive
9:06than we realize even the avoidant is far
9:08more sensitive than they think the
9:10reason your walls are so high the reason
9:12you've shut off all your feelings the
9:14reason that you've numbed out and you
9:16get so defensive and so dismissive is
9:19because of how badly someone hurt you in
9:21the past you were neglected emotionally
9:24or physically consistently to the point
9:26where the only logical and rational
9:27conclusion was that people aren't worth
9:29trusting because when I trust them I get
9:32hurt so there's no point and that makes
9:35sense sometimes we're so scared to be
9:37seen as a failure it doesn't even feel
9:39like it's worth it to try but we all
9:41need to remember that when someone we
9:43love reaches for us vulnerably and we
9:45reject or invalidate or dismiss them it
9:48creates an emotional wound and they will
9:51begin to slowly detach from us which is
9:53ironically the last thing that we
9:55actually want but just like what you
9:57experienced it simply C cause and effect
10:00the way out of all this is learning how
10:02to be considerate of each other again
10:04consideration is always at the heart of
10:05a mutually fulfilling relationship
10:07relationships can't survive without
10:09consideration just think of how amazing
10:11a relationship would actually be if two
10:14people actually considered each other a
10:17relationship where there's no fear to be
10:18open and honest about our inner World
10:20about what we're feeling or thinking or
10:23needing a relationship where you know
10:25they value you and they won't take
10:27advantage of you or use your
10:28vulnerability against you isn't that
10:30what we all want if you're in a
10:32relationship be that person and if
10:34you're dating someone and the person
10:36you're dating doesn't seem like they
10:37consider you break up with them yes it's
10:39hard but you deserve better and there's
10:41literally no point in wasting time with
10:43someone who has no ability or desire to
10:46consider you now I know what all the
10:47married people are thinking what about
10:49me my partner doesn't consider me at all
10:51what should I do and honestly I can't
10:53answer that for you that's something
10:55that you need to be talking with a
10:56professional about because you deserve
10:58someone who can hear your entire story
11:00and guide you on what's the best course
11:02of action for you but I can tell you
11:04this when you have a relationship where
11:05one partner doesn't feel consistently
11:07considered closeness and connection
11:10aren't possible so if you both actually
11:12want to stay together then learn how to
11:14be honest with each other learn how to
11:15open up learn how to be vulnerable and
11:17talk about what consideration means to
11:20you and then do the hard work of being
11:22intentionally considerate now here's
11:24where it gets tricky sometimes we feel
11:26like we're being considerate but our
11:28partner doesn't agree in those instances
11:31we need to remember this isn't about
11:33proving who is right or wrong this is
11:35about understanding the dynamic that
11:37we're in our plant isn't getting enough
11:40water or sunlight that's just a fact
11:42does it mean the plant is wrong no some
11:44plants only need a little bit of water
11:46others live in water the point is we
11:48just need to understand what's happening
11:50so first get in the right head space to
11:52actually listen to your partner ask
11:55questions valid any feelings or
11:57vulnerabilities as real and valid and
11:59when it's your turn to talk if you're
12:01feeling a strong urge to defend yourself
12:03be honest about that learn about where
12:05that is coming from and admit this is
12:08really hard to hear that would sound
12:09something like this I care about what
12:11you're feeling and if I'm honest I have
12:13a really strong urge to defend myself
12:15right now I'm frustrated that you don't
12:17see my efforts as enough it makes me
12:20feel like I'm not enough and it makes me
12:22scared that I'll be taken advantage of
12:24or that your standards are too high that
12:26I'll never actually meet them that makes
12:28me scared of being seen as a failure
12:30which doesn't make me want to put in
12:32more effort but instead pull away and
12:34protect myself from that shame and if
12:36the other person was being considerate
12:38they might say thank you so much for
12:40being vulnerable and sharing I don't
12:42want you to feel shame and I can
12:44understand how hard that would be
12:45thinking that you're doing everything
12:46you can do and it's still not enough I
12:49don't consider you a bad partner I just
12:51think we might be showing love to each
12:53other in different ways and if you're
12:54open to it let's talk about how we can
12:57redirect some of the efforts you're
12:58already put putting in to the areas
13:00where I feel connected and valued most
13:02sound good do you see how that's so much
13:04better than you're such a selfish
13:05narcissist who doesn't even love me and
13:07the other person saying nothing I do
13:09will ever be good enough for you we can
13:10learn how to communicate with each other
13:12but it takes self-reflection which is
13:14learned it takes emotional maturity
13:15which is learned it takes vulnerability
13:17and empathy and consideration which all
13:19can be learned you both just have to
13:21have the desire to learn it and when we
13:24consider each other and when we trust
13:25each other we are far more flexible and
13:28less contr rolling if one partner loves
13:30their alone time and Independence that's
13:32fine give them that time but if that's
13:34you and your partner is giving you that
13:36freedom and not being controlling or
13:38passive aggressive about it it's your
13:40job to reciprocate that consideration
13:42and be cognizant of their
13:43vulnerabilities or fears around
13:45disconnection and tell them how long
13:46you're going to be gone when you'll be
13:48back and remind and reassure them that
13:50you can't wait to see them plan a date
13:52night for when you get back so they have
13:54something to look forward to it's all
13:55these little things that end up making
13:57the biggest difference with between
13:59thriving or dying when we consider each
14:02other equally there's no power Dynamic
14:04we influence each other we care about
14:06each other we look for ways to
14:07appreciate each other we navigate
14:09conflict as a team instead of us vers
14:12them we take on conflict headon we talk
14:14about it before we're in one so we know
14:16the game plan and we hold each other
14:18accountable in a loving and respectful
14:20way this is what marriage expert Dr John
14:22Gman calls accepting each other's
14:24influence can you imagine how fulfilling
14:27a relationship would be if both Partners
14:29actually accepted each other's influence
14:31that means we're malleable we're
14:33flexible we're responsive to
14:35constructive feedback we're open do you
14:37know why we're open because we're
14:39supposed to trust each other we feel
14:41connected to them we feel bonded when
14:44you have this mindset I don't care what
14:46the conflict is about the domestic labor
14:48the parenting moving to a new city
14:50taking a new job the dishes the bedroom
14:52it's all the same game plan we are
14:54considerate about how these things
14:56affect our partner and their mindsets
14:58around them and we are mutually
15:00interested in learning about what our
15:01partner needs to feel valued and desired
15:03and loved in these areas is that your
15:06relationship because it needs to be it's
15:08like a great friendship when we feel
15:10safe when we feel trusting we can relax
15:12and play and have fun together do you
15:15have any idea how important having fun
15:17together is it's vital fun is bonding
15:20and that's most likely how you fell in
15:22love together in the first place doing
15:23something fun right and I understand
15:25full well everything that gets in the
15:26way of your playfulness together but
15:28it's your job to fight against that
15:30current stress is usually a huge
15:32component isn't it that's why as each
15:34other's partner it's our job to learn
15:36about each other's stressors carry each
15:38other's burdens find out where the
15:40blocks are and what we can help to do to
15:42remove them and prioritize fun again in
15:45true friendships we naturally defer to
15:47each other we more easily give the
15:49benefit of the doubt or move in their
15:51Direction because we aren't trying to
15:53protect ourselves from being taken for
15:55granted right one person isn't always
15:57bending in the other person's Direction
15:59it's equal that's what makes true
16:01friendship so great you're naturally
16:03kind to each other you're not afraid
16:05that your efforts aren't going to be
16:06reciprocated another thing that our
16:08relationship needs is transparency
16:10Secrets don't build trust they break it
16:12not being able to talk to your partner
16:13about things that are on your heart
16:15doesn't build trust it breaks it my
16:17advice be courageous enough to learn how
16:18to practice having the hard
16:19conversations it's really the only way
16:21forward anyways learn about how they
16:23feel loved and valued most and also
16:26learn about what pushes them away or
16:27makes them feel disconnected in this
16:29relationship learn about their triggers
16:31and insecurities invest in this
16:33relationship again be intentional
16:35prioritize each other go out of your way
16:38to compliment each other regularly
16:40practice intimate conversations together
16:42the average couple rarely talks anymore
16:45and they are unhappy and unfulfilled you
16:47don't think those two things are related
16:49at all be as physically affectionate
16:51with each other as you can and men never
16:53forget for so many women she needs to
16:55feel safe and valued and emotionally
16:57connected outside of the bedroom before
16:59she has a desire for you inside of the
17:01bedroom affection doesn't start in the
17:03bedroom she needs to know that you value
17:05her body all the other times of the day
17:07so kiss her hug her touch her gently
17:09with no push for the bedroom I'm willing
17:12to bet that is a turn on for her and I
17:14understand some of this seems very
17:16far-fetched because of the partners that
17:17you've been with or the partner that
17:19you're currently with and I am in no way
17:21discounting how difficult it might be
17:23for you to have a healthy relationship
17:26one day this stuff always takes two
17:27willing participants
17:29and some of you only have one now does
17:31that mean that you'll never experience
17:32intimacy or connection with the person
17:34you're currently with maybe but also
17:37maybe not because when we change for the
17:39better when we decide I'm not going to
17:41fight anymore I'll talk about how I'm
17:42angry and what I need to feel close or
17:45what I need to repair this I'll learn
17:47how to self-regulate and set healthy
17:48boundaries and be vulnerable but I'm not
17:50going to yell or scream anymore to be
17:53heard when we make positive changes in
17:55ourselves that's growth and it
17:57positively impacts the relation
17:58relationship I didn't say it saves it
18:00but it impacts it in a positive way the
18:02relationship might still end but if it
18:04ends because of you making healthy
18:06changes it was already a sinking ship
18:09you becoming the best version of
18:10yourself only sped up the inevitable
18:13because they weren't interested in
18:14putting in the work and some of you need
18:16to do what Emily and I had to do and
18:18recognize that your plant is on the
18:20verge of dying and sometimes that means
18:23leaving the situation but other times it
18:25means staying and flat out telling them
18:26I can't be in this relationship anymore
18:29however I am willing to go to counseling
18:31and put in the hard work of learning how
18:33to love you so that we can both feel
18:35close and connected to each other I'm
18:37willing to do that work and start a
18:39brand new relationship with you built on
18:41a foundation of trust and respect and
18:43intimacy tell them I don't think you're
18:46the enemy and I won't let the counselor
18:47blame you as the main problem either if
18:50that's what you're afraid of I think
18:51you're doing everything that you know to
18:53do but this isn't working for me so if
18:55you want this relationship to continue I
18:57need you to come come and learn about
18:59what efforts we both need to put in and
19:01change in order for this to become a
19:02mutually fulfilling relationship now
19:05does that mean that they will go no
19:07because love is always a risk and
19:09connection always takes two but this is
19:11our best chance at the type of
19:13relationship that you deserve but if
19:15both people are willing once you change
19:17your mindset and set appropriate goals
19:20we can plant seeds of safety and trust
19:22and emotional responsiveness and with
19:24water and sunlight those seeds can grow
19:26into something beautiful the truth is I
19:29don't know you but I want the best for
19:31both of you and I know healing is
19:33possible I felt it and I've experienced
19:35it every time you go to a wedding you
19:37look at these two people and you think
19:39maybe they can make it maybe they can
19:41experience actual reciprocal love and
19:44you're right they can and so can you but
19:47it takes work and there's a lot of
19:48people out there that are depriving your
19:51plant of what it needs to survive you're
19:53depriving your relationship and you
19:54don't even realize it you're hiding
19:56behind your shame you're too scared to
19:58to open up again so many of us are just
20:00protecting ourselves from pain but what
20:02we have to realize is that sometimes
20:04those protections are now hurting your
20:06relationship so have the humility and
20:08the courage to come to your partner and
20:10say I'm so sorry I think I've been
20:12hurting us let's start this over but not
20:15by building a bridge over the hurt
20:17you've experienced and pretending like
20:18it doesn't exist instead I want to Wade
20:21through it with you I'm willing to do
20:23the work I want to learn how to repair
20:25and reconnect I want to invite and
20:28encourage us to be honest even at the
20:30risk of my own discomfort I want to work
20:33towards safety and respect and I know
20:35I'm going to mess up and it's going to
20:36be hard but you're worth it we're worth
20:39it help me learn how to love again help
20:43me to go deep with you like we did in
20:44the beginning this is what leads to a
20:46thriving relationship that we all want
20:48and deserve not a perfect relationship
20:51but a loving and respectful one thank
20:54you so much for watching know that I'm
20:55praying for you and pulling for you
21:06for

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