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My MIL Uninvited Me From Thanksgiving. My Husband Went Anyway. I Hosted 22 People Without Them. — Transcript

by Married Into It · 2,673 words · 408 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00My name is Allison. I'm 30, and 6 weeks
0:03before Thanksgiving, my mother-in-law
0:05uninvited me by text. "Since you've made
0:08it clear where your priorities are this
0:10year, I think it's best if you sit
0:12Thanksgiving out as well. Evan is, of
0:15course, welcome." My priorities were my
0:17dad. He'd just had knee surgery. My
0:20husband read the text once and said,
0:22"She doesn't mean it." Then he went to
0:24her dinner anyway.
0:26I didn't argue.
0:28I didn't ask for my seat back. I started
0:31thinking about everyone else who'd lost
0:33their seat at that table.
0:35On Thanksgiving, 22 people were in my
0:381,100 square foot house. People were
0:40eating on the stairs, and at 7:15, the
0:43doorbell rang. It was my husband holding
0:46his mother's pie, and he looked like a
0:48man who had just counted the chairs.
0:51Before I tell you how many chairs were
0:53empty at her table, tell me where you're
0:56watching from in the comments. And if
0:58you've ever been uninvited from a
0:59holiday for something that wasn't your
1:01fault, subscribe because this one's for
1:04you.
1:06I'm a hair stylist in Omaha, Nebraska.
1:09My husband Evan and I have been married
1:114 years, and for 3 of those years,
1:14Thanksgiving meant his mom's table. His
1:17mom is Marlene.
1:18And Marlene's Thanksgiving is not a
1:20dinner. It's an institution.
1:2320-some people, name cards in
1:25calligraphy, cloth napkins folded into
1:28little fans. She starts planning in
1:30September. She has a binder.
1:33To be fair to her, it's beautiful. The
1:36first year I went, I thought, "Oh, this
1:38is what a big family is supposed to feel
1:40like." I'm an only child. My parents
1:44live in Arizona. I'd never been in a
1:46room that loud.
1:48The second year, my name card was at a
1:50little card table in the den with the
1:52teenagers and a toddler in a booster
1:54seat. Marlene said, "I put you there
1:57because it's more fun, honey. The
1:59grown-up end is so boring." Evan's card
2:02was at the grown-up end. I laughed it
2:04off. I told myself it was about space.
2:07It was a big family and I was new. The
2:10third year, I was back at the kids
2:12table. The teenagers had moved up. But
2:15you learn things about a table when you
2:18sit at it long enough.
2:19You learn who isn't there. Evan's aunt
2:22Deb, Marlene's younger sister, hadn't
2:25been invited in 6 years. Nobody would
2:27tell me why. Evan just said there was a
2:30thing. His cousin Theo got married a
2:32couple of years ago and Marlene left his
2:35wife Maya off the name cards because, in
2:38Marlene's words, "They eloped, so it
2:40doesn't really count yet." So Theo
2:43stopped coming, too. And every year,
2:45Grandpa Gene, Marlene and Deb's father,
2:4884 years old, sat at the head of that
2:51table and said the same grace. And I
2:54watched him look at the door when he
2:55said all of us.
2:58That year, my dad had knee surgery in
3:00October. Nothing scary, but he couldn't
3:02travel. And my mom quietly asked if we'd
3:05come to Arizona for Christmas. We'd
3:08spent three Christmases in a row at
3:10Marlene's. So Evan and I agreed.
3:12Thanksgiving with his family, Christmas
3:14with mine.
3:16I called Marlene myself. I thought that
3:19was the respectful thing. I said, "We'll
3:21be at yours for Thanksgiving like always
3:24and this year we're going to spend
3:26Christmas with my parents." There was a
3:28pause.
3:29Then she said, "Oh.
3:31Well, okay. That's fine."
3:34In the voice people use when it is not
3:36fine. That night I got a text. "Allison,
3:40since you've made it clear where your
3:42priorities are this year, I think it's
3:44best if you sit Thanksgiving out as
3:46well. It'll be less awkward for
3:48everyone. Evan is, is course, welcome."
3:51I read it four times. Then I handed my
3:54phone to Evan. He read it once. He said,
3:58"She doesn't mean it. And she's upset.
4:01Give her a day."
4:03I gave her a day. I gave her a week. She
4:06didn't take it back. She sent Evan a
4:08separate message asking whether he'd be
4:11bringing the good folding table from our
4:13garage. Two days later, Evan's sister
4:16Paige called me. Paige is Marlene's
4:18favorite and knows it. She said,
4:21"Allison, I love you, but you know how
4:23Mom gets. Just call her and say sorry.
4:26It's easier."
4:27I said, "Sorry for what?"
4:29She thought about it.
4:31She really did.
4:33Then she said, "For making her feel like
4:35second place."
4:37I said, "Paige, my dad had surgery."
4:40And she said, "I know. That's why it's
4:42so awkward."
4:45This is the part of the story I'm least
4:47proud of Evan for. I love him.
4:50He's patient. He's kind. He's the guy
4:52who drives back to the store because
4:54they forgot the ice. But when it comes
4:56to his mom, he has one setting, and that
4:59setting is keep the peace.
5:01He said, "It's one dinner. If I don't
5:04go, it becomes a war. I'll go. I'll eat.
5:07I'll be home by 8:00. Then it's over."
5:10I said, "Evan, she uninvited your wife
5:13by text
5:14for visiting my father after surgery."
5:17He said, "I know.
5:19It's not okay.
5:21But if I skip it, she'll make it about
5:23you forever."
5:24She's already making it about me. You're
5:27just choosing not to be in the room when
5:28she does.
5:30He didn't answer that. He went to bed.
5:33And I sat in the kitchen and did the
5:35math on what Thanksgiving was going to
5:37look like. Me alone in a small house
5:41with a rotisserie chicken while my
5:43husband ate off a cloth napkin folded
5:45into a fan.
5:47And then I thought about Aunt Deb, and
5:49Theo and Maya, and the chairs nobody
5:52talked about.
5:54I want to be really clear about what I
5:56did next, because people have asked me
5:58if it was revenge. It didn't start as
6:01revenge. It started as loneliness. I
6:04called Maya first. We weren't close, but
6:07she'd always been kind to me at the few
6:09things she was allowed at. I said, "This
6:12is weird, but are you and Theo doing
6:14anything for Thanksgiving?" And she
6:17laughed. Not a happy laugh. "We never
6:20get the invite. We usually just do
6:22takeout. Do you want to come to mine?"
6:26There was a long quiet on the line. Then
6:28she said, "Alison." "Yes." "That was
6:32two."
6:33Before I went any further, I called my
6:35mom in Arizona. I told her everything.
6:39The text, the kids table, Evan. I
6:42expected her to be angry, and she
6:44wasn't. She was quiet, and then she
6:46said, "Your grandmother used to say you
6:49can't make people come to your table.
6:51You can only make sure there's a table."
6:53And she paused. "And that there's enough
6:56gravy." So I kept going, and I did the
6:59thing that made my hands shake. I found
7:01Aunt Deb on social media, the one I'd
7:04only ever heard about, and I sent her a
7:06message. I said who I was. I said I
7:09didn't know what happened 6 years ago,
7:11and I didn't need to. I said I was
7:13hosting a Thanksgiving for anyone who
7:15didn't have a table this year, and she
7:18was welcome. She wrote back in 10
7:20minutes. "I have a table. I just haven't
7:24had anyone to put at it. Can I bring my
7:26sweet potatoes?" We met for coffee that
7:29Saturday. Deb looks like Marlene, if
7:32Marlene laughed with her whole face, and
7:34halfway through a cinnamon roll, without
7:36me asking, she told me about the thing.
7:396 years ago, their mother passed.
7:41Marlene wanted the memorial at her
7:43house. Deb wanted it at the little
7:45church their mom had gone to for 40
7:48years. The family voted for the church.
7:51Deb didn't gloat. And she didn't fight.
7:54She just said no to Marlene once in
7:57front of everyone. "And that was it,"
7:59Deb said. "No more Thanksgiving.
8:02No more Christmas.
8:04She sends Dad over on Easter like he's a
8:07casserole dish she's returning."
8:10I said, "I told her we'd do Christmas
8:12with my parents."
8:14Deb put down her fork and looked at me
8:16for a long time. Then she said, "Oh,
8:18sweetheart, you said no." That was
8:21three. Deb has two grown kids. A five.
8:25My assistant was in town. A six. My
8:29neighbor Tom, a widower, who I'd seen
8:31eat alone on his porch last
8:33Thanksgiving. A seven.
8:35And then, because I am not a sneaky
8:37person, I did the thing that made it
8:40honest. I texted Marlene.
8:43"I understood. I'll be hosting at our
8:45place this year. Anyone's welcome, and
8:48that includes you." She didn't reply.
8:51But she read it.
8:53Nine days before Thanksgiving, my phone
8:56rang with a number I didn't recognize.
8:59It was Grandpa Gene.
9:01He does not text.
9:03He barely calls. He said, "Is this
9:06Allison?"
9:07"It is."
9:09"Hi Gene."
9:10He said, "Deb tells me she's going to
9:12your house for Thanksgiving."
9:14My stomach dropped. I thought, "Here it
9:17comes. I've started a family war with an
9:2084-year-old man."
9:22He was quiet for a long time. Then he
9:25said, "I haven't had Thanksgiving with
9:27both my girls in 6 years."
9:29I didn't know what to say. So I said the
9:32only true thing, "You'd be welcome,
9:34Gene.
9:35You'd be very welcome." He said, "I'd
9:38need a chair with arms. My back." "I'll
9:41find you a chair with arms."
9:43"And I say the grace." "You say the
9:46grace?"
9:47He hung up without saying goodbye, which
9:49Evan later told me is how Jean says, "I
9:52love you."
9:54I did not recruit anyone. I need you to
9:56know that. But families talk. Jean told
10:00Evan's Uncle Jim that he was going to
10:02Allison's thing. Jim and his wife said,
10:05"Well, if Dad's going." Their two kids
10:08came home from college and asked why
10:10everyone was going to the small house.
10:13Theo's parents found out Theo would be
10:15there with Maya. And his mom called me
10:18and cried a little on the phone and
10:20asked what she could bring. By the
10:22Monday before Thanksgiving, I had 19
10:24yeses. By Wednesday, 21.
10:2822 counting me.
10:30I borrowed folding chairs from my
10:32church, from Tom next door,
10:35and from a woman on the neighborhood app
10:36who dropped off six and wouldn't take
10:38anything for them. I found Jean a chair
10:40with arms, my own desk chair with a
10:43cushion and a blanket over it. We moved
10:46the couch into the bedroom.
10:48Everyone brought something.
10:50Deb brought her sweet potatoes and a
10:52second roaster oven. Because at 10:00 on
10:55Wednesday night, I called her in a panic
10:58that one oven was not going to cook a
11:00turkey and a ham and six sides. Maya
11:03brought biryani because her family
11:05always has biryani at Thanksgiving.
11:08And by the end of the night, the college
11:10kids were fighting over it. Tom smoked a
11:13turkey in his backyard and carried it
11:15over the fence in a foil pan like he was
11:18delivering a baby.
11:20And the whole time, Evan watched. He
11:23didn't say much. He carried chairs. He
11:26picked up the turkey. On Wednesday
11:28night, he stood in the doorway of our
11:30tiny, crowded living room and said, "My
11:33mom knows, right? That grandpa's coming
11:36here."
11:37I told her everyone was welcome,
11:39including her.
11:41He nodded slowly.
11:43He still went to her house the next day.
11:46I only know what happened at Marlene's
11:48because Evan told me. So, this is his
11:51version.
11:52He got there at 2:00. The long table was
11:55set for 24, the way it always was.
11:58Calligraphy name cards on every plate.
12:00Jeans, Uncle Jim's,
12:03the college kids.
12:05Marlene had set them all anyway, as if
12:08setting a place could make someone come.
12:10By 3:00, it was Marlene, her husband
12:13Ron, Evan's sister Paige, and Evan. Evan
12:16said his mom kept checking the window.
12:18At 3:30, Ron, who says maybe 10 words a
12:21holiday, put down his fork and said,
12:23"Marlene, your dad's not coming."
12:26And Marlene said brightly, "He'll come
12:29for pie. He always comes for pie." Ron
12:32didn't say anything else. He just moved
12:34Jean's name card very gently off the
12:37plate at the head of the table and put
12:39it in his shirt pocket.
12:41Four people
12:43at a table for 24.
12:45Evan said nobody talked about the empty
12:48chairs. Marlene carved a 22-lb turkey
12:51for four people. She kept saying, "Well,
12:54more leftovers." Ron ate quietly and
12:56checked the football score. Around 5:00,
12:59Paige's phone buzzed, and she looked at
13:01it and said, before she could stop
13:03herself,
13:04"Oh my gosh, grandpa's saying grace in
13:07Allison's hallway."
13:09Someone had sent a video to the cousins
13:11group chat. Jean in my desk chair with a
13:14blanket on his knees, and Deb holding
13:17one of his hands, and Maya holding the
13:19other. 22 people squeezed onto chairs
13:22and stairs, heads down. Evan said his
13:25mom didn't watch it. She just pie.
13:28I didn't need the video. I was there.
13:31Jean held out his hands and Deb took one
13:34and Maya took the other and everybody
13:36went quiet, even the baby by the dryer.
13:40And he said the same grace he says every
13:42year. When he got to the end, for all of
13:44us together, he didn't look at the door.
13:47He looked at Deb. And then he looked at
13:50me and then he said, "Well, let's eat
13:53before it gets cold."
13:55And 22 people said amen at the same time
13:59and a folding chair collapsed under
14:01Uncle Jim and it was the best
14:03Thanksgiving I have ever had. And that
14:05was the moment, Evan told me later, that
14:08he finally saw it. Not the empty chairs.
14:12The fact that she'd rather sit at a
14:13table for four than walk into a room she
14:16didn't control.
14:18So at 7:15, the doorbell rang and there
14:21was my husband holding his mother's pie.
14:25Pecan. She'd made it for 24 people.
14:28He didn't make a speech. He just said,
14:31"I should have been here. I should have
14:33been here in October." And then he said,
14:35"Mom sent the pie. She said not to tell
14:38you she sent it."
14:40We put it on the counter with the
14:41others. Jean had two slices.
14:44Evan sat on the stairs next to Theo and
14:47I watched my husband talk to his cousin
14:49for an hour, really talk, for the first
14:52time since I've known him. That night,
14:54after everyone left, we stacked chairs
14:57in the dark. Evan said, without looking
14:59at me, "I booked the flights. Arizona.
15:03The 22nd to the 28th."
15:05I said, "Did you tell your mom?"
15:07He said, "I told her myself. From the
15:10car, just now, before I rang the bell."
15:13He picked up another chair. "She said it
15:15was fine. In that voice."
15:18"And"
15:19"And I said, 'Okay, Mom. I love you."
15:23And I hung up. He shook his head. 34
15:27years old. First time I ever hung up
15:30first.
15:31Paige texted me a week after
15:32Thanksgiving. It just one line.
15:35"Is the small house doing Christmas Eve,
15:37too?" I told her we'd be in Arizona. She
15:40sent back a sad face. Then, next year,
15:44Deb and Marlene still aren't close, but
15:46in December, Marlene called Deb. They
15:48talked for 20 minutes. Gene told me
15:51that, and then he hung up without saying
15:53goodbye.
15:54As for Marlene and me, it's not fixed.
15:57It's better.
15:58She didn't apologize, exactly, but at
16:01Christmas, a small envelope came to my
16:04parents' house in Arizona, addressed to
16:06me. Inside was one of her calligraphy
16:09name cards. My name. And no note.
16:13I don't think I won anything. I just
16:15stopped waiting for a chair at someone
16:16else's table, and made one.
16:19The next story is worse. Her
16:21mother-in-law had a key to the house,
16:23and she only found out when her kitchen
16:25got rearranged. The doorbell camera
16:28counted 17 visits. It's on your screen
16:30now.
16:31And tell me in the comments, should Evan
16:34have skipped his mom's dinner, or was
16:36showing up at dessert enough?

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