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My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant — My Mom Asked Me To Donate My Frozen Embryos To Her Instead — Transcript

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0:00My husband got my younger sister
0:02pregnant and my mother asked me to
0:04donate my frozen embryos to her instead.
0:06She had known for 11 weeks. She sat at
0:09the head of her dining table in
0:10Meridian, Idaho with a fertility clinic
0:13consent packet in front of her plate,
0:15every signature line marked with a pink
0:17sticky flag in her handwriting while my
0:20sister sat two chairs down with one hand
0:22resting on her belly. "You're getting
0:24divorced, Lindsay. You're never going to
0:26use them." my mother said. This way it
0:29all stays in the family. My husband
0:32nodded and said they were half his.
0:33Anyway, what none of them remembered,
0:35not even Derek, was the form he had
0:37signed at that clinic 3 years earlier.
0:40The one that said exactly who those
0:41embryos would belong to if our marriage
0:43ever ended. My name is Lindsay Abbott. I
0:46was 38 that summer, and I worked as a
0:49hydraologist for the state water
0:50department in Boise. Every winter I
0:53snowshoed into the mountains and
0:55measured snow. How deep it was, how
0:57heavy, how much water was locked inside
0:59it. Every spring I turned those numbers
1:02into a forecast of how much water the
1:04state would have in July. Every inch of
1:07snow on those mountains ends up as water
1:09in somebody's kitchen. You never meet
1:11those people. I owned a small craftsman
1:13house in Boise's North End with my
1:15husband and I had a retirement account
1:17I'd been feeding since I was 23. In my
1:20family, I was the reliable one. My
1:23sister Kayla was the one everybody
1:25worried about. I grew up in a split
1:27level house in Meridian with my parents
1:29Sharon and Ron Picket. My father was a
1:32fire captain who worked 48-hour shifts.
1:34So for most of my childhood, my mother
1:36ran everything. She ran the house and
1:39for 19 years the fire auxiliary, which
1:42meant every pancake breakfast in the
1:43department went through her. She had one
1:46phrase she used more than any other.
1:48stays in the family. Mostly, she said it
1:51when something of mine was about to
1:52become Kais. When I was 17, I spent two
1:56summers bagging groceries to buy a used
1:58green Subaru for $2400.
2:00I drove it all through college. The
2:03summer I was 23, home from my master's
2:05program in Moscow, Idaho. Kayla turned
2:0816, and my mother handed her my keys at
2:11breakfast. They have buses in Moscow,
2:13she told me. Kayla needs it more. It
2:16stays in the family. When I said I'd
2:19paid for it, my father looked at his
2:20coffee and said, "Your mom's got a
2:23point, kiddo." Kayla wrecked it 11
2:25months later, sliding through a stop
2:27sign on Eagle Road. Nobody was hurt.
2:30Nobody replaced it. But Kayla wasn't
2:32only that. When I was 14, I had my
2:35appendix out and I spent 4 days in the
2:37hospital scared and sore. Kayla was
2:40seven. She made me a snow globe out of a
2:42baby food jar, glitter, and a plastic
2:45deer from her toy farm, and she glued
2:47the lid shut so it couldn't leak on my
2:49blanket. She sat on the end of my
2:51hospital bed and shook it for me every
2:53time I woke up. I've kept that jar for
2:5524 years. Sits on my desk at work. My
2:59father gave me the other thing I loved.
3:01On his days off, he took me snowshoeing
3:04at Bogus Basin and taught me how to dig
3:06a snow pit and read the layers like
3:07pages in a book. I became a hydraologist
3:10because of those Saturdays. I think
3:12that's why it hurt so much later how
3:14quiet he was. I met Derek Abbott at a
3:17trivia night at a tap room on Grove
3:19Street when I was 29. He was the
3:21manager. When my team won, he brought us
3:24a flight with my name chocked on the
3:25paddle spelled wrong, then came back
3:27with a second one spelled right. He
3:30could make a room of strangers feel like
3:31regulars. We married when I was 31 at a
3:34lodge in Macall on the lake. Kayla was
3:37my maid of honor. Her toast about the
3:39snow globe made half the room reach for
3:41napkins. We started trying for a baby
3:44when I was 33. Two years later, a
3:47reproductive endocrinologist at a clinic
3:49on Curtis Road told us my egg reserve
3:51was low for my age and that if we wanted
3:54biological children, IVF was our best
3:56chance. We did two retrievalss that
3:59year. I gave myself shots in the stomach
4:01every night at 8 and Dererick held the
4:03ice pack. At the end, we had five
4:06embryos frozen in a tank at the clinic.
4:08The embryologist gave us a printed photo
4:10of them. Five tiny gray circles under a
4:13microscope, and I stuck it to our
4:15refrigerator with a magnet shaped like
4:17Idaho. Before anything was frozen, the
4:20clinic made us fill out a disposition
4:22agreement. It was 11 pages long. Page
4:25seven asked, "What should happen to any
4:27remaining embryos if we divorced?" There
4:29were four boxes. Discard them. Donate
4:32them to research. Give control to the
4:35male partner. Give control to the female
4:37partner who could use, donate, or
4:40discard them at her sole discretion. I
4:42hesitated with the pin. Dererick reached
4:45over and checked the last box himself.
4:47Your eggs, your body, your call, he
4:50said. I trust you, Lind. Then we both
4:53signed and initialed it. And I put my
4:55copy in the fireproof box in our closet
4:57with our passports and the deed to the
4:59house. And I never thought about it
5:01again. Our first transfer when I was 36
5:04failed. Our second the next year worked.
5:07I was pregnant for nine weeks. On
5:10October 9th, I lost the baby in an
5:12urgent care bathroom while Derek drove
5:14from the tap room. In December, I needed
5:16surgery to remove scar tissue from my
5:19uterus, and my doctor told me to wait at
5:21least 6 months before trying again. We
5:24scheduled our third transfer for August.
5:26Three embryos were still in the tank.
5:28The tap room threw a Halloween party 3
5:30weeks after the miscarriage, and
5:32Dererick hired Kayla's business for it.
5:35She ran a mobile cocktail cart out of a
5:37converted horse trailer, and she was
5:39always one slow month away from losing
5:41it. My mother had asked me to arrange
5:43it. She's your sister, Lindsay. Help her
5:47out. I stayed home that night under a
5:49blanket, and Dererick texted me photos
5:51of the costume contest until almost
5:54midnight. Then the photos stopped. That
5:56winter, Derek started closing the tap
5:58room himself three, then four nights a
6:01week. In December, he missed my
6:03postsurgery appointment because of what
6:05he called an inventory crisis. He
6:08started keeping his phone face down on
6:10the arm of the couch. He came home
6:12smelling like orange peel and bitters,
6:14and when I mentioned it, he laughed and
6:15said he smelled like work. In March, I
6:18brought up the August transfer and he
6:19said, "Maybe we don't rush. Maybe next
6:22year." When I asked why, he said,
6:25"You've been through enough, Linds.
6:27You're still grieving. You're not seeing
6:29things clearly." I believed I was the
6:31problem. That's what grief does. It
6:34makes you doubt your own measurements.
6:36In April, Kayla stopped drinking. At my
6:39birthday dinner, she ordered sparkling
6:41water and told everyone she was doing a
6:43sober spring because it was trending. At
6:45Memorial Day, she wore a loose linen
6:48shirt in 90° heat. My mother, who asked
6:51Kayla questions about everything, didn't
6:53ask a single one. In early May, my
6:55mother called me at work. She said she'd
6:58been thinking about how hard the year
6:59had been, and she wanted to pay the
7:02annual storage bill for my embryos
7:04herself. $795.
7:07"Let me do something for you, honey,"
7:09she said. I cried at my desk. I thought
7:12it was the kindest thing she'd done for
7:13me in years. On Thursday, July 10th, I
7:17was standing in the Boise River and
7:18waiters taking flow measurements below
7:20Barber Park when my phone buzzed in my
7:23chest pocket. Years earlier, I turned
7:26off delivery notifications on our shared
7:28Amazon account because Dererick ordered
7:30brewing supplies constantly. That week,
7:33I turned them back on to track a
7:35refrigerated package of medication for
7:37my August transfer. It wasn't my
7:39medication. It was a delivery photo. A
7:42huge flat box leaned against a blue
7:44apartment door. Hanging on that door was
7:47a wreath of dried lavender. I had made
7:49that wreath with my own hands and given
7:51it to Kayla when she moved into her
7:53apartment in Garden City. I sat down on
7:55the riverbank in my waiters and opened
7:57the order. A convertible crib in natural
8:00pine, $389
8:03charged to our joint credit card. There
8:05was a gift message for our peanut. Can't
8:08wait to meet you, D. Then I opened the
8:11order history and found the archived
8:13orders. Derek had hidden 14 of them
8:16since the end of March. Pregnancy tests
8:18on March 29th. Prenatal vitamins,
8:22maternity leggings, a pregnancy pillow,
8:25a baby monitor, a book called the
8:27expectant father. Most had gone to an
8:30Amazon locker near the tap room. The
8:32crib had been too big for a locker.
8:35$3,486.19.
8:38All of it charged to the card we used
8:40for our IVF bills. I read that statement
8:43every month. Every charge just said
8:45Amazon MKTP. And Derek ordered brewing
8:48supplies every week. I never looked
8:50twice. I trusted the one number in my
8:53life I never measured. I screenshotted
8:55every order. I finished my flow
8:57measurements because somebody downstream
8:59needed them. Then I drove home and sat
9:02at my kitchen table under the photo of
9:03our embryos and waited. Derek got home
9:06at 10:40. I had my laptop open to the
9:09delivery photo. I turned it toward him.
9:12Who's the peanut, Derek? He looked at
9:14the screen for a long time. It's for a
9:17bartender's baby shower, he tried. Your
9:20buddy lives at Kayla's address, I said.
9:23And he signs his notes. D. He sat down
9:25across from me and rubbed his jaw. She's
9:28due December 5th, he said. When did it
9:31start? The Halloween party. The math did
9:34itself. 3 weeks after I lost our baby in
9:37an urgent care bathroom. You told me I
9:40wasn't seeing things clearly, I said. I
9:43didn't want to hurt you while you were
9:44healing. So, you waited until I healed
9:47so you could hurt me then. Does mom
9:49know? I asked. He hesitated just long
9:52enough. Kayla told her in April. After
9:55her first ultrasound. When in April, the
9:58last Sunday. I asked him to leave. He
10:01packed a gym bag and walked out at
10:0311:15. I heard his truck turn left at
10:06the end of the street toward Garden
10:08City. He went to her. Of course, he went
10:11to her. I sat on the kitchen floor with
10:13my back against the dishwasher and
10:15called my best friend Tasha Morrow, a
10:18ski patroller at Bogus Basin. She came
10:20over with a bag of huckleberry licorice
10:22and sat on the floor next to me in the
10:24dark. Around 2:00 in the morning, she
10:26said, "Tell me the numbers." She knew I
10:29survived on numbers. End of April, I
10:32said. My mom has known since the end of
10:34April and she paid your storage bill in
10:37May. Tasha said, "We both sat with that
10:40for a minute. My mother called me at 7
10:42the next morning. Kayla had already told
10:45her everything. I wanted to tell you,
10:47Lindsay." I did, but Kayla had some
10:50spotting in May, and the doctor said,
10:52"No stress, and you were still so
10:54fragile. You paid my storage bill," I
10:57said. "Because I love you," she said.
11:00and her voice cracked like she was the
11:01one who had been hurt. Then she said,
11:04"Come to dinner Sunday. Your dad's home.
11:07We need to talk about what happens next
11:09as a family." I almost said no. Then I
11:12thought about the 14 hidden orders and
11:14how long they'd all been planning
11:15without me. And I wanted to see the
11:17plan. On Sunday, July 13th, I drove to
11:20Meridian. 11 weeks to the day after
11:23Kayla had told my mother. My mother had
11:26made finger stakes. Kayla sat next to
11:28Derek. She wore a fitted blue dress. And
11:31for the first time in months, she wasn't
11:33hiding anything. My father sat at the
11:36far end of the table, still in his
11:38department polo, 5 weeks from retirement
11:41after 31 years. Halfway through dinner,
11:43my mother at the head of the table,
11:45wiped her hands, reached under her
11:47chair, and set a thick packet beside her
11:50plate. Known embryo donation, recipient
11:52information, and consent. She had
11:55printed it from their website. Every
11:57signature line had a pink sticky flag.
11:59And on each flag in her round
12:01handwriting, it said Lindsay. I've
12:03thought about this a lot. She said,
12:06"Those embryos are Dererick's children,
12:08too. They're going to be this baby's
12:10brothers and sisters. You're getting
12:12divorced, Lindsay. You're 38. You're
12:15never going to use them. So instead of
12:17leaving them in a freezer for a marriage
12:19that's over, you can give them to Kayla.
12:21They grow up together with their
12:24father." She put her hand flat on the
12:26packet. This way it all stays in the
12:28family. I looked at Kayla. She was
12:31looking at her plate, but her hand was
12:33on her stomach. "Kayla wants this?" I
12:36asked. "Kayla's always wanted a big
12:39family," my mother said, answering for
12:41her the way she always had. Dererick
12:44leaned forward. "They're half mine,
12:46Lind," he said quietly. "I'm not trying
12:49to be cruel. I just think it's the right
12:51thing. Derek's already set up a consult,
12:54my mother added. Tuesday, August 19th.
12:58All you have to do is come and sign. I
13:00turned to my father. Did you know about
13:03Derek and Kayla? He set down his fork.
13:06Your mother told me in June, he said.
13:10She said she was handling it. Is this
13:12you handling it, Dad? He looked at the
13:14packet, not at me. Your mom's thought it
13:17through, kiddo. He said it was the same
13:19voice he'd used about the Subaru 15
13:22years earlier. I looked at my name on 12
13:24Pink Flags. You said you paid my storage
13:27bill to do something for me, I said to
13:29my mother. I did, she said. And because
13:32I did, I think I've earned a say in what
13:34happens to them. I've been keeping them
13:37alive. Kayla finally looked up. Lindsay,
13:40I never wanted to take anything from
13:42you. Somebody carried a crib up three
13:44flights of stairs to your door, Kayla. I
13:47said somebody wanted something. I didn't
13:50say yes. I didn't say no. I said, "Don't
13:53book anything else in my name." And I
13:56walked out to my car. Through the screen
13:58door, I heard my mother say, "Let her
14:00sulk. She'll be fine by your father's
14:03party. She always is." The party was the
14:06Saturday before the consult station 4.
14:10My mother had been planning it for a
14:11year. On Tuesday, I sat across a desk
14:14from Miriam Moduya, a family law
14:16attorney with an office above a bakery
14:18on Banick Street, three blocks from the
14:20capital. She had a policy of not talking
14:23until she'd read everything. I gave her
14:25the screenshots and the packet with the
14:27pink flags. Then I handed her the
14:3011-page disposition agreement from our
14:32fireproof box. She read it twice. Idaho
14:35doesn't have a statute on frozen
14:37embryos, she said. But most courts in
14:40this country that have faced this
14:41question enforced the agreement the
14:43couple signed before anything was
14:45frozen. Yours is clear. Initialed on
14:48every page. He checked the box himself.
14:51He did. Then legally, nobody gets those
14:54embryos unless you decide they do. Not
14:56your sister, not your mother, not your
14:59husband. Clear doesn't mean cheap,
15:01though. If he fights it, it will take
15:04months and you'll pay me for every one
15:05of them. Idaho is a community property
15:08state. Most of what you built gets split
15:10down the middle, affair or not. The
15:13Amazon charges are different. That's
15:15community money spent on someone outside
15:17the marriage. We can ask the court to
15:19charge it against his share. What do I
15:22do now? Nothing loud. Don't sign
15:25anything. Don't tell them about this
15:27form. Don't file yet. Once we file, his
15:30lawyer will want every document you
15:32have, and I want to see everything
15:33first. Request your full medical record
15:36from the clinic. Every page, including
15:38phone notes. You have a legal right to
15:41it. Why the phone notes? Because your
15:44mother showed up 3 days after you found
15:46out with every page already flagged.
15:48Nobody gets that organized in 3 days. I
15:51think somebody's been talking to that
15:52clinic for a while. I requested my
15:55records that afternoon. Then I called
15:57the clinic and canceled my August
15:59transfer. Then I sat in my car outside
16:01Miriam's office for 40 minutes with the
16:04engine running. The next four weeks were
16:06quiet on the outside. Kayla sent
16:08nothing. My mother texted me every few
16:11days. Have you looked at the packet?
16:13Then Derek says the clinic wants both of
16:15you there by 9:00. Then dad's party is
16:18Saturday at 5. Kayla's doing the drinks.
16:21Please don't make it about you. I
16:23answered none of them. Then 10 days
16:26before the party, my cousin Jenna
16:27called. She was in the auxiliary with my
16:30mother. People are talking, she said.
16:33Everybody knows Derek moved out and
16:35somebody saw Kayla at the OB's office
16:37with him. Your mom's getting ahead of
16:39it. She's telling everyone you're fine
16:41with it, that you're giving Kayla your
16:44embryos, that it's a beautiful story. I
16:47didn't say anything, Lind. Jenna said
16:50she's going to say it at your dad's
16:52party. If you're standing there giving
16:54your blessing, nobody can call it a
16:56scandal. I separated my paycheck into a
16:59new account in my own name. I kept going
17:01to work. In August, there's no snow to
17:04measure, so I measured rivers. Water
17:06still moved downhill whether my family
17:08was falling apart or not. My records
17:10arrived on Friday, August 8th, as a PDF
17:13of 206 pages. I read it in my car at
17:17work. On page 181, I found a telephone
17:21encounter note dated Friday, May 2nd, 5
17:24days after Kayla told my mother. Caller
17:27identified herself as patients mother.
17:30Sharon Picket asked about the process
17:32for releasing patients remaining embryos
17:34to patients sister. Informed caller that
17:37we cannot discuss patient information
17:39and that any donation must be initiated
17:42by both patients. Caller then asked
17:44whether embryos could be released if
17:46patient was not in a state to decide and
17:48whether a physician's letter regarding
17:50patients mental health after her
17:52pregnancy loss would be sufficient.
17:54Informed caller this is not possible.
17:57Caller stated that patient will agree it
17:59is a family decision. My hands went cold
18:02in a 90° car. I scrolled back up to the
18:05date May 2nd. 3 days later my mother had
18:09called me at my desk and offered to pay
18:11my storage bill. I called Miriam. She
18:14read the note while I waited. Bring it
18:16Saturday, she said. Bring all of it. You
18:19don't have to use it. But if they put
18:21you on a stage, you should know what
18:23you're holding. Tasha offered to come in
18:25with me. I told her I'd rather have
18:28somebody waiting in the parking lot with
18:29the engine running. On Saturday, August
18:3216th, I drove to station 4 in Meridian
18:35with a gift for my father in a bag on
18:37the passenger seat. It was a framed
18:39print of a snow pit profile I dug at
18:41Bogus Base in the winter before. Every
18:44layer labeled in my handwriting. In my
18:46work tote, I had a blue folder. After
18:48Jenna's call, I knew I would need it.
18:50The crew had pulled both engines onto
18:52the apron and filled the bay with
18:54folding tables and about 80 people. A
18:56sheetcake shaped like a helmet sat on a
18:58table under a banner my mother had
19:00ordered. 31 years, Captain Ron. Kayla's
19:04horse trailer bar was parked by the open
19:06bay door, strung with lights, serving
19:08huckleberry lemonade. She was 24 weeks
19:11along in a white sundress. Dererick was
19:14behind the bar with her cutting limes.
19:16My father hugged me when I came in.
19:19Thanks for coming, kiddo. He said, I
19:21gave him the print. For one second, he
19:24looked like the man who had taught me to
19:26read snow. Then my mother tapped the
19:28microphone. She thanked the Chiefs and
19:30told the story of the night my father
19:32carried a golden retriever out of a
19:34burning duplex. Then she raised her
19:36glass of lemonade. And Ron and I have so
19:39much to celebrate this year. She said,
19:41"We're going to be grandparents in
19:43December. Applause." People turned
19:46toward Kayla. Kayla smiled and waved
19:48from the bar. Dererick put his arm
19:51around her. A few people looked from
19:53Derek to me trying to make the math
19:55work. My mother kept going. And our
19:57Lindsay, who has been through so much
19:59this year, has decided to give her
20:01little sister the most beautiful gift
20:03one sister can give another. Those three
20:05little embryos Lindsay and Derek made
20:07are going to have a home with Kayla and
20:09Derek. Those babies are going to grow up
20:11together because in this family,
20:14everything stays in the family. She
20:16looked straight at me and smiled. We're
20:18signing on Tuesday. Nobody clapped. 80
20:21people stood holding paper plates. Then
20:24everyone looked at me. I put my tote on
20:26the cake table next to the helmet and
20:28took out the blue folder. I didn't need
20:30the microphone. I never agreed to that,
20:33Mom. I said, I didn't say yes at your
20:36dinner and I'm not signing on Tuesday.
20:39My mother's smile stayed on her face a
20:41second too long. Lindsay, sweetheart,
20:44this isn't the place. You picked the
20:46place, I said. I took out the first page
20:48and set it on the table where everyone
20:50near the cake could see it. This is the
20:53agreement Derrick and I signed before
20:54our embryos were frozen. If we divorce,
20:57they're under my soul control. Mine to
20:59use, donate, or discard. Dererick
21:02checked that box himself. Derek came out
21:04from behind the bar. Lindsay, that's
21:07just a clinic form. It doesn't mean
21:09anything in a divorce. My attorney says
21:12it does, I said. And you initialed every
21:15page. My mother's voice went high and
21:17bright the way it did when she was
21:19losing a room. I was only trying to make
21:22the best of a terrible situation. I
21:25never went behind your back. I set down
21:27the second page. This is from my medical
21:30record at the clinic. A phone call on
21:32May 2nd from you. 5 days after Kayla
21:36told you she was pregnant 10 weeks
21:38before I knew anything. I didn't read
21:40the whole thing. I read one line. Caller
21:43asked whether embryos could be released
21:45if patient was not in a state to decide
21:48and whether a physician's letter
21:49regarding patients mental health after
21:51her pregnancy loss would be sufficient.
21:54Oh my god, said Carol Benning, the
21:56auxiliary treasurer who had worked
21:58beside my mother at Pancake Breakfast
22:00for 19 years. 3 days after that call, I
22:03said, you phoned me at work and offered
22:06to pay my storage bill so you could have
22:07a say. Derek turned to my mother. He
22:10looked confused. Sharon, you told me the
22:13clinic said it was just paperwork. He
22:15said, "You said you had a doctor at
22:17church who'd write the letter if she
22:19said no." Kayla stood frozen behind the
22:21bar with the lemon in her hand. "What
22:24letter?" she said. "Mom, what letter?"
22:27My mother didn't answer her. For the
22:29first time in my life, my mother didn't
22:31have the next sentence ready. I looked
22:34at my father. He was holding the snow
22:36pit print against his chest with both
22:38hands. Sharon," he said very quietly.
22:42"You told me she'd agreed." My mother
22:45said, "Ron, she would have eventually."
22:48My father looked at her for a long
22:49moment. Then he walked out of the bay
22:52and stood beside Engine 4 in the sun
22:54with his back to all of us, still
22:56holding the print. I put the pages back
22:58in the folder. "You always said it stays
23:00in the family, Mom." I said, "Not this.
23:04These were never yours to keep in the
23:06family." Then I looked at Kayla.
23:08Congratulations on your baby. I mean
23:10that. But you're not getting mine. I
23:13picked up my tote and walked out through
23:15the open bay door, past the trailer bar,
23:18past the lemonade, past 80 people who
23:20parted for me like water around a rock.
23:23In the parking lot, Tasha had the engine
23:25running. She took one look at me, pulled
23:27out before I'd even buckled and said,
23:29"Only numbers? Two pages." I said,
23:33"That's all it took." She drove me home
23:35the long way along the river and neither
23:38of us turned on the radio. On Monday,
23:40Miriam filed for divorce. On Tuesday,
23:43August 19th, nobody went to the clinic.
23:46Miriam sent the clinic a letter with a
23:48copy of the disposition agreement and a
23:50request that no embryo be moved,
23:52released, or thawed without a court
23:54order. The clinic director called back
23:56that afternoon. They had flagged my
23:58mother's name. Nobody would be
24:00discussing my embryos with Sharon Picket
24:02ever again. Dererick fought. His lawyer
24:05argued that the agreement was signed
24:07under emotional pressure during
24:08fertility treatment, that circumstances
24:11had changed, and that Dererick now had a
24:13stable family ready to raise the
24:15embryos. Miriam handed the judge the 11
24:18pages with Dererick's initials on
24:19everyone, his check mark in the box, and
24:22his gift message on the crib order. The
24:25hearing took less than an hour. In
24:27March, the judge enforced the agreement.
24:29The three embryos were mine to decide
24:32and nobody else's. Because Dererick had
24:34fought a contract he'd signed and
24:36initialed himself, the judge ordered him
24:38to pay $6,000 of my attorney's fees. His
24:42own checkmark cost him more than
24:44anything I could have said. The rest of
24:46it wasn't a clean win. Idaho split
24:48almost everything down the middle. I
24:51kept the north end house, but I had to
24:52refinance to buy out Derrick's half, and
24:55I paid him $58,000 I'd spent 8 years
24:58building. The judge counted the $3,486
25:02from the Amazon orders against his
25:04share. My legal bill came to $13,900.
25:08And even after Derek's $6,000, the rest
25:11was mine. I pay it again. I mailed my
25:14mother a check for $795
25:16the week after the party. In the memo
25:18line, I wrote storage. Paid in full. She
25:22cashed it. My mother resigned as
25:24president of the fire auxiliary in
25:26September after 19 years. She said it
25:29was because of dad's retirement. After
25:32Carol Benning told the auxiliary what
25:33she'd heard in that bay, nobody believed
25:36her. Kayla's cocktail cart had lived on
25:38department events, retirement parties,
25:41and auxiliary fundraisers. By October,
25:43the bookings had stopped coming. She
25:46sold the horse trailer in November.
25:48Kayla had a boy on December 2nd, £7 1
25:51oz. Jenna, who still went to family
25:54dinners, told me his name was Hudson and
25:56that he was healthy. None of this was
25:58his fault, and I hoped he'd never hear
26:01about it. My father called me once on
26:03New Year's Day. He didn't apologize
26:06exactly. He said, "I hung your snow pit
26:09in the garage over my workbench." Then
26:12he said, "I should have asked you back
26:14at dinner. I should have asked you what
26:16you wanted." Yes, I said. You should
26:19have. He said he knew. Then he said, "My
26:22mother wanted me to come for Sunday
26:24dinner." I said, "No, he didn't argue.
26:28He's still married to her. He still goes
26:30home to her every night. That's his
26:32choice to live with." In February, Kayla
26:35came to my office. She was waiting in
26:37the lobby with the baby asleep in a car
26:39seat at her feet. She looked exhausted.
26:42I sat down across from her. "Mom wants
26:45to update her will," she said. "And
26:48mine. If something happens to me, she
26:50wants you to be Hudson's guardian. She
26:53says, "You're the only one who could
26:54handle it." I looked at my nephew asleep
26:57in his car seat. Then I looked at my
26:59sister. "No," I said. Kayla blinked.
27:03"You didn't even think about it. I've
27:05been thinking about it my whole life," I
27:07said. "Every time something broke in
27:10this family, it got handed to me. My
27:12car, my husband, my embryos, now your
27:16son. I'm not the family's backup plan
27:18anymore, Kayla. She cried a little. I
27:21walked her to the elevator and went back
27:23to work. She and Derek lasted until
27:26April. He moved into a studio apartment
27:28above the tap room, and Kayla and the
27:30baby moved into my old bedroom in
27:32Meridian. Jenna said my mother had
27:34painted it yellow. After the judge's
27:37order, I sat with the clinic's counselor
27:39for three sessions. I didn't want to use
27:42embryos that would make Derek the father
27:44of my children. I didn't want them
27:46thawed and gone either. And I would
27:48never let them be raised by the two
27:49people who had lied to me while I
27:51grieved them. Not after five tiny gray
27:53circles had lived on my refrigerator for
27:563 years. The clinic had an anonymous
27:58embryo donation program for couples
28:00who'd been trying for years and had run
28:02out of options. In May, I signed the
28:05papers alone with my own pen at my own
28:07kitchen table. I would never know who
28:10received them. That was the whole point.
28:12My mother found out in June. Dererick's
28:15lawyer had to be notified. She texted me
28:17for the first time in 10 months. You
28:20gave my grandchildren to strangers. I
28:22typed one reply. You tried to give them
28:25to Kayla. I gave them to people who
28:27asked. Then I blocked her number. In
28:30July, two summers after I sat on the
28:32bank of the Boise River in my waiters
28:34and saw a crib leaning against my
28:36sister's door, the clinic forwarded me
28:38an envelope with no return address.
28:40Inside was a card with a pressed wild
28:42flower on the front. Inside in neat blue
28:45handwriting, it said, "We waited 7
28:47years. We don't know anything about you
28:49except that you said yes. Our daughter
28:51was born in April. She sleeps with her
28:54arms over her head like she's cheering.
28:56We hope your life is full of good
28:58things. Thank you from the bottom of our
29:00hearts." I read it at my kitchen table
29:03until I could read it without crying.
29:05Then I took the photo of the five gray
29:07circles off the refrigerator, put it in
29:09the drawer with the card, and hung
29:11something new under the Idaho magnet. It
29:13was a print out of that spring snow
29:15survey from the Boise River Basin, the
29:18deepest snow pack we'd measured in 6
29:20years. The next morning, I drove up to
29:22Barber Park with my flow meter, and
29:24stood in the river in my waiters. The
29:26water was cold and fast, the last of the
29:29snow melt. Somewhere downstream, it was
29:31going to fill a reservoir, water a
29:33field, come out of a kitchen faucet in a
29:36house I'll never see for a family I'll
29:38never meet. On my desk at work, Kayla's
29:40snow globe was still there. I'm not a
29:43person who throws away a 7-year-old's
29:45kindness, but I'd stopped shaking it. My
29:48mother spent my whole life telling me
29:50that everything stays in the family. My
29:52car, my husband, my children, if she
29:55could have managed it. But snow doesn't
29:58stay where it falls. It melts and runs
30:00downhill to people it will never meet.
30:02And that's the whole point of it. I
30:04measured snow for a living for 15 years
30:07before I understood that. Some things
30:09you don't keep and you don't hand them
30:11to the people who took everything else.

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