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My Daughter-in-Law Called Me “The Shrew” at Mother’s Day Dinner — So I Took Back the $41,000 She... — Transcript

by Boundaries With Mother · 3,565 words · 578 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00My daughter in law called me the shrew
0:03at my own dining table on Mother's Day.
0:06And she said it with her mouth full of
0:09the prime rib I had been roasting since
0:118:00 that morning.
0:13My name is Susan Rogers. I'm 64 years
0:16old and I've been a widow for 10 years.
0:19Until that Sunday afternoon, I honestly
0:21believed I had a decent relationship
0:24with my son, Brian, and his wife, Haley.
0:27I wasn't naive about them. I knew Haley
0:30liked nice things. I knew Brian hated
0:33conflict the way some people hate
0:35spiders, which is to say he'd rather
0:38leave the house than deal with it. I
0:40knew they leaned on me.
0:42But I thought there was a floor of
0:44respect under all that leaning.
0:47I was wrong about the floor.
0:49Pull up a chair and before I continue,
0:52let me know in the comments what part of
0:55the world you're in.
0:57We were four bites into dinner. I had
1:00set the table with my mother's blue
1:02willow China, the good napkins, a vase
1:05of peonies from the side yard. Haley
1:08refilled her wine glass with a bottle I
1:10had picked up at the good liquor store
1:12in town and she said, "Susan, you're
1:16being a shrew about this whole thing. We
1:18need a bigger place and you're rattling
1:21around in this house by yourself. It's
1:24selfish not to put us on the deed now
1:27and let us build some equity."
1:29She said it lightly.
1:31The way you'd tell someone they had
1:34spinach in their teeth.
1:36I set down my fork.
1:38I looked at my son, the man who had
1:39cried on my shoulder the day his
1:41father's heart gave out on a Tuesday in
1:44March.
1:45Brian studied his green beans like they
1:48were going to be on a test. He didn't
1:50say her name. He didn't say mine. He
1:53didn't even flinch.
1:55For 3 years, I had been moving $2,500
1:59a month into a savings account at our
2:02credit union.
2:04It was labeled the house fund and Brian
2:06was on it with me.
2:08I paid the lease on Haley's Jeep, 780
2:11dollars a month.
2:13I carried their cell phone plan. I paid
2:161,400 dollars toward their rent every
2:20month, straight to the landlord, so they
2:22could live in a townhouse with a rooftop
2:26deck they couldn't otherwise afford.
2:29I did all of it because I wanted my boy
2:31to have an easier life than I'd had.
2:34Larry and I started out with a couch
2:36from his aunt and a mattress on the
2:38floor.
2:39"A shrew." I said. My voice came out
2:42perfectly level.
2:43"Well, yes." Haley laughed and waved her
2:46fork. "You're sitting on that pension
2:48and Larry's life insurance while we
2:50scrape by. Honestly, it's toxic."
2:54I didn't cry. I didn't raise my voice. I
2:57stood up, picked up her plate, which
3:00still held most of a 4-hour roast, and
3:03carried it into the kitchen. I tipped
3:06every bite into the trash and set the
3:08plate in the sink.
3:10When I came back, Haley was staring at
3:12me, fork in the air.
3:14"Dinner's over." I said. "You both know
3:17where the door is."
3:18She opened her mouth. Whatever she saw
3:21on my face closed it again. Brian
3:24grabbed her purse and his jacket and
3:27they went out into the spring evening
3:29without a word.
3:31The house went quiet and I stood in my
3:33dining room among the peonies and the
3:35blue willow. I wasn't sad. I was
3:38thinking.
3:39I woke at 6:00 the next morning, rested,
3:42which surprised me.
3:44Usually a fight with family keeps me up
3:47half the night rehearsing what I should
3:49have said and apologizing to people who
3:51owe me apologies.
3:53This time, nothing was gnawing at me.
3:56Haley had said the quiet part out loud
3:59and it had burned off every last scrap
4:01of guilt I'd been carrying around like a
4:04purse full of rocks.
4:06I made a pot of coffee, put on my
4:08reading glasses, and opened my laptop at
4:11the kitchen island.
4:13It was time to look at the numbers
4:16without a mother's filter on them.
4:18I logged into the credit union and
4:20opened the house fund.
4:22The balance was $41,000.
4:26I had made the deposits myself month
4:29after month, and I'd told myself it was
4:31building toward a down payment. Then I
4:34clicked on the transaction history,
4:36which I should have done a long time
4:38ago.
4:40Brian and Haley's emergencies were
4:42fascinating.
4:44A $460
4:46charge at a skin care boutique.
4:48A $1,300
4:50weekend at a spa resort in Sedona. A
4:53$380 dinner at a steakhouse in
4:57Scottsdale.
4:58Concert tickets. A pair of boots at
5:01$540.
5:03The money was supposed to be sitting
5:04there growing into a house.
5:07And instead,
5:08they'd been dipping into it every few
5:11weeks like a vending machine.
5:14Then I did some arithmetic.
5:1636 months at $2,500
5:20is $90,000.
5:21That's a real down payment on a house in
5:24our part of Arizona. And with what I'd
5:26also covered on rent, the Jeep, and the
5:30phones, they never needed me to cosign
5:33or sign over anything. They had simply
5:35never kept a dollar of it, and they both
5:39worked.
5:40Brian made $88,000
5:42at Wallace Freight, and Haley made
5:45$62,000
5:46in billing at Harris Medical.
5:49Nobody in that townhouse was poor. They
5:52were comfortable on my money, and they'd
5:54gotten so used to it that asking for
5:57more felt like paperwork.
6:00I didn't call. I didn't write a long
6:02wounded text. I started clicking.
6:05First, I moved the entire $41,000
6:09into my individual savings account.
6:12I was the primary owner, so the credit
6:15union let it go through instantly.
6:18The house fund dropped to zero. Then I
6:21opened my credit card account and found
6:23the page for authorized users. Brian and
6:26Haley each had a card tied to mine with
6:28a generous limit. I selected their names
6:31and hit remove. The screen refreshed.
6:34Done.
6:35I took a slow sip of coffee and watched
6:38the morning light come through the
6:40kitchen window.
6:42For years I had been buying affection, I
6:44realized, scared to death of being a
6:46lonely old widow with a big house.
6:49But looking at those zeros, I didn't
6:52feel lonely at all. I felt lighter than
6:55I had in a decade.
6:57I figured it was only a matter of time
6:59before they noticed.
7:01It took until Tuesday at 1:15 in the
7:04afternoon.
7:05I was out back pruning the roses along
7:08the fence when my phone started buzzing
7:10in my apron pocket. Haley's face lit up
7:13the screen, grinning in some vacation
7:16photo.
7:17I let it ring. A minute later it was
7:19Brian.
7:21I answered on the third ring.
7:23Hello, Brian?
7:24Mom, what is going on with the bank? His
7:28voice was tight as a drum.
7:30Haley's at the jewelry counter at
7:32Dillards. She was buying me a watch for
7:34my birthday and your card got declined.
7:37It was humiliating.
7:39It isn't my card anymore. I snipped a
7:42spent bloom off the stem. You and Haley
7:45have been removed as authorized users
7:48and the house fund is closed.
7:50Dead silence then. Mom, you can't be
7:53serious. You can't just cut us off with
7:55no warning.
7:57Haley made it clear on Sunday that my
8:00money is toxic and that I'm a shrew, I
8:02said,
8:03tugging off one gardening glove.
8:06I thought about it and she's right. It
8:09is toxic for a mother to bankroll the
8:11lifestyle of two capable adults in their
8:1430s. I'm just removing the toxin.
8:17I could hear a scuffle, then Haley's
8:19voice, shrill and close. Give me the
8:22phone. Susan, you listen to me. We have
8:25bills tied to that account. Our rent
8:28auto pay is going to bounce.
8:30Then I suggest you cover it from your
8:32paychecks.
8:34You are wrecking our lives over a joke,
8:36she screamed. You put that money back
8:39right now, or I swear.
8:42I never found out what she swore.
8:45I tapped the red button and put the
8:46phone back in my pocket.
8:49The roses were coming in beautifully,
8:51and it was too nice a day to waste on
8:53yelling.
8:55I knew a dial tone wouldn't satisfy
8:57them.
8:58Two hours later, there was a heavy knock
9:01at my front door. Through the peephole,
9:03I could see Brian and Haley on the
9:05porch, both of them red the face.
9:08I unlocked the door, but left the chain
9:10on and opened it 3 in.
9:13Mom, open the door, Brian said.
9:16We can talk like this.
9:19This is ridiculous, Haley pushed up to
9:22the gap. You're having a tantrum. We
9:25need to sit down and discuss our
9:26finances like adults.
9:29My finances aren't your business
9:30anymore, Haley, and yours aren't mine.
9:34There's nothing to discuss.
9:36You stole our house fund.
9:39Her face went blotchy. That $41,000 was
9:42ours.
9:43Pull up the deposit history,
9:46I said. Every cent of it came out of my
9:49pension and Larry's life insurance. It
9:51was a gift, and I've taken the gift
9:54back. You both have salaries. You can
9:56start saving today.
9:58Brian finally found his voice, though it
10:01was a poor use of it.
10:03Mom, you're backing us into a corner.
10:06The Jeep payment is due next week, and
10:08we don't have it.
10:10The lease on the Jeep is in my name. You
10:12just drive it.
10:14Then you have to pay it, Haley sneered,
10:17unless you want your credit ruined.
10:20I know how leases work. I held my hand
10:23out through the gap. Before I close this
10:25door, I want the spare key to my house,
10:28the one on Brian's ring.
10:30Brian blinked. What? Mom, no. I've
10:33always had a key.
10:35You lost that privilege when your wife
10:37insulted me in my own home and you said
10:40nothing. The key, Brian.
10:43For a long second, he stood there. Then,
10:46looking about 9 years old, he worked the
10:49brass key off his ring and dropped it in
10:51my palm.
10:53Thank you.
10:54Drive safely. I shut the door and slid
10:56the deadbolt.
10:58Before I tell you what happened next, I
11:00want to ask you something.
11:02Helping
11:04our children is something most parents
11:06do out of love, and it can be hard to
11:08see where helping ends.
11:10Have you ever helped your grown children
11:12with money and started to feel more like
11:15a bank than a parent?
11:17Wednesday morning, I woke up with a
11:19plan. Haley had landed on one true
11:21thing, which was that the Jeep lease
11:24hung around my neck.
11:26It was a brand new Grand Cherokee she'd
11:29insisted they needed for safety, though
11:31as far as I could tell it, mostly hauled
11:34shopping bags between the outlet mall
11:37and Scottsdale Fashion Square. I owned
11:39my own paid-off Buick outright. That
11:42Jeep was a $780
11:44a month anchor, and I was done dragging
11:47it.
11:48On Thursday, I drove to the dealership
11:50where we'd signed the papers 18 months
11:52earlier and sat down with the finance
11:55manager, a polite young man named
11:57Thomas.
11:59Mrs. Rogers,
12:01what can we do for you?
12:02I want to terminate the lease on the
12:04Grand Cherokee, I said.
12:07I'm aware there's an early termination
12:09cost. I'm prepared to pay it today.
12:12He tapped at his keyboard.
12:15Between the fees and the remaining
12:16balance, you'd be looking at $3,100.
12:21The vehicle's in great shape. Are you
12:23sure?
12:24Completely sure.
12:27I wrote the check from my own account.
12:29It stung. It was also the cheapest
12:32freedom I had ever bought. I told him
12:34where the Dodge was parked, gave him the
12:37address of my son's townhouse complex,
12:39and set the spare fob on his desk.
12:42We'll have a driver out there this
12:44afternoon, he said, and I noticed a
12:46small understanding smile.
12:49The account's closed, Mrs. Rogers.
12:52I walked out feeling 10 lb lighter. No
12:55more shared accounts, no more cards, no
12:58more car. Nothing left that could be
13:00used as leverage against me. I drove
13:03home, brewed a cup of Earl Grey, and
13:06waited for the fireworks.
13:08They started at 11:42 that night. I was
13:11in bed with a mystery novel when my
13:14phone lit up the dark.
13:16Hayley, where is my car?
13:18I didn't answer. 2 minutes later, the
13:21leasing office just emailed. Our rent
13:24auto pay bounced. We're getting hit with
13:26a late fee and a notice. Put the money
13:29back now.
13:31Then the calls began, three in a row.
13:34When I didn't pick up, the texts piled
13:36in, and I watched the tone change from
13:39orders to panic. Susan, please. Rent is
13:42due, and we don't have enough in
13:44checking.
13:45We have zero savings. The car is gone.
13:49How am I supposed to get to work
13:50tomorrow?
13:52I'm sorry about Mother's Day, okay? I
13:54was stressed. I'm begging you. Please
13:57unfreeze it, just this once.
14:00I read that last one twice.
14:02My daughter-in-law had called me a shrew
14:04on Mother's Day, and I had frozen every
14:07dollar she lived off.
14:09By midnight, she was begging me to put
14:11it back. She apologized for the first
14:14time in her life only after the money
14:17stopped.
14:18A year earlier, I would have panicked.
14:21I'd have jumped to the app, moved the
14:23money, and apologized to her for causing
14:26her stress.
14:27I would have swallowed that thin little
14:29apology just to keep the peace.
14:33But I was finished being the victim of
14:35my own guilt. I swiped down on the
14:37screen, turned on do not disturb, and
14:40laid the phone face down on the
14:42nightstand.
14:44Then I turned off the lamp and slept
14:46straight through to morning.
14:48When I checked it, there were 14 missed
14:51calls and 22 texts.
14:54At 9:00, the doorbell rang.
14:57Brian stood on the porch alone. He
15:00looked terrible.
15:02His shirt was wrinkled, his shoulders
15:04sagged, and I could tell he'd taken two
15:06city buses to get to me because he
15:09smelled faintly of diesel.
15:11I stepped aside and he sat on the edge
15:13of my sofa staring at the carpet.
15:16"The car's gone." He said.
15:19"The dealership called this morning.
15:21They said you paid the penalty and
15:23turned it in."
15:24"I did." I took my armchair.
15:27"Mom, we have $12 in checking."
15:30He finally looked up and his eyes were
15:33red.
15:34"Haley spent her whole paycheck last
15:36week on clothes and a girls weekend
15:39because she figured the rent would come
15:41out of the house fund. We're broke."
15:44"That sounds hard to manage." I said and
15:47offered no solutions.
15:49"Are you really going to let us get
15:51evicted?" "I'm not evicting anyone. Your
15:55landlord would be."
15:57"You make $88,000 a year, Brian. Haley
16:00makes $62,000. You aren't poor.
16:04You're bad with money because I've been
16:06your safety net."
16:07He rubbed his temples. "Haley's furious.
16:11She screamed at me all night. She says
16:13you planned this to ruin her."
16:16"I planned to protect my
16:19I'm not responsible for Haley's
16:21spending, and I'm not responsible for
16:23your refusal to stand up to her.
16:26Something crossed his face then, a
16:29flicker of recognition.
16:31The soft cushion he'd been living on for
16:33years
16:34had been yanked out from under him, and
16:37for the first time he could feel the
16:38floor. Then, he did what he always does.
16:42He leaned forward, put his head in his
16:44hands, and mumbled, "It's Haley. She's
16:48the one who wanted the townhouse. She
16:50wanted the Jeep. I told her we should
16:53budget, and she just steamrolls me."
16:56I knew exactly what that was.
16:58He was passing the blame to his wife so
17:01I'd feel sorry for him and reach for my
17:03checkbook.
17:05"Don't you sit in my living room and
17:07blame your wife for your own silence," I
17:10said sharply.
17:12He flinched. "But she's the one who
17:14insulted you."
17:16"Yes, she did.
17:18And what did you do, Brian?
17:20You sat at my table, ate the food I paid
17:22for and cooked, and studied your green
17:24beans. You let her disrespect me in my
17:27own home. You're every bit as guilty as
17:29she is, maybe more because you're my
17:32son."
17:33He had nothing to say to that.
17:36The silence in the room got thick.
17:38"I paid off your student loans," I went
17:41on, still calm.
17:44"I helped with your wedding.
17:46I gave you a head start most people
17:48never get.
17:49And instead of building on it, you let
17:51your wife treat me like an inconvenience
17:54while you both spent my money.
17:56"I'm sorry," he whispered to his shoes.
17:59"I accept that, but the accounts stay
18:01closed. Go home, sit down with Haley,
18:05and work out your rent. Sell some of
18:07those handbags, ride the bus, figure it
18:10out."
18:11I stood up, and he did too, slowly.
18:14At the door he looked back at the house
18:16as if he thought he might not see it
18:18again.
18:19He had come in hoping to be rescued. He
18:22left as a grown man who had to do the
18:24rescuing himself.
18:26Three days later, Haley played her last
18:28card.
18:30I was bringing in the mail when she came
18:32jogging up my driveway, out of breath,
18:35nothing like the polished woman who had
18:37sipped my wine.
18:39Her hair was in a messy knot and her
18:41mascara had smudged.
18:43Susan, wait.
18:46What is it, Haley?
18:48Ryan's selling my handbags online to
18:50cover the rent. She was practically
18:53gasping. You have to stop this. Give us
18:56the rent money, just the rent. And if
18:59you don't, I swear you will never see
19:01your grandchildren. I'll make sure of
19:04it.
19:05It was the threat she thought would
19:06flatten a lonely widow. She stood there
19:09panting, waiting for me to beg for
19:12children who didn't even exist yet.
19:16I looked at her. I really looked. I saw
19:19a frightened woman who had lost her
19:21safety net and had no idea what to do
19:23about it, and a smile came over my face.
19:27A calm one. If you ever do have
19:29children, I hope you raise them to be
19:31independent and to respect their elders.
19:34But using imaginary babies as a
19:36bargaining chip for cash, that's
19:39pathetic, Haley.
19:41Her jaw dropped. It hadn't worked and
19:43she knew it.
19:45We're done here, I said. Don't come to
19:47my house uninvited again.
19:50You're crazy, she shrieked, and the last
19:53of her polish cracked right down the
19:55middle.
19:56You're a bitter, miserable old woman.
19:59And you're going to miss your bus, I
20:02said cheerfully. I went inside and slid
20:05the deadbolt. I felt no regret, none at
20:07all.
20:08I had let them set the terms of our
20:11relationship out of fear for years, and
20:14I had bought my own misery on the
20:15installment plan.
20:17As of that moment, the account was
20:19closed.
20:21Three weeks went by without a call or a
20:23text from either of them.
20:25A friend from church whose niece lives
20:28in their complex told me the rest.
20:31They had avoided eviction by a hair.
20:33Haley sold most of her designer bags and
20:36two pairs of those boots, and they took
20:39out a payday loan at an interest rate
20:42that would make a banker blush.
20:44Brian picked up Saturday shifts at
20:46Wallace Freight.
20:47Haley, who had never once taken a bus,
20:50was riding the 72 to work at Harris
20:53Medical in her good heels. A coworker
20:56saw her crying on the platform.
20:59Then, Haley's mother, a woman who had
21:01cheered the Jeep and the townhouse from
21:04the sidelines, found out how much of the
21:07life she'd been bragging about was paid
21:09for by me.
21:11According to my friend, the call between
21:13those two women was not pleasant. Nobody
21:17was bragging at the next family
21:19barbecue.
21:20My house felt different. It was quieter.
21:23Yes, but it wasn't lonely. It felt like
21:26mine again. The knot that used to
21:28tighten between my shoulders every time
21:31my phone rang had completely loosened.
21:34On a bright Tuesday morning, I sat on
21:36the back porch with my coffee looking at
21:38the roses.
21:40They were at their peak that week. So
21:42many blooms the bushes leaned over.
21:45On the table beside my mug were a glossy
21:48brochure and a confirmed itinerary. For
21:515 years I had dreamed of a month in
21:53Santa Fe and Taos. Painting workshops,
21:57Adobe galleries, desert light, and for 5
21:59years I had pushed it back because
22:02somebody's emergency needed the money.
22:05Brian's emergencies, Haley's
22:07emergencies. Never mind.
22:09The $41,000 was sitting in my own
22:12savings account where it belonged. I had
22:16booked the trip the afternoon before. A
22:18month in New Mexico. A casita with a
22:21courtyard, a watercolor course on Canyon
22:24Road. I even bought the good travel
22:27easel.
22:28I didn't hate my son. I hope that one
22:31day, when he had learned to stand on his
22:33own two feet, we could build something
22:35real between us.
22:37Something with respect in it instead of
22:39a payment schedule.
22:41A card from him might arrive in the
22:43mail. A knock on my door, maybe, with no
22:46handout. I'd be ready if it came, but I
22:49wasn't going to sit in the dark waiting
22:51for it.
22:53I took a deep breath of the warm morning
22:55air. I had drawn a line and held it
22:58without flinching, and I had survived
23:00the fallout. I wasn't a shrew. I was a
23:04woman who had finally remembered what
23:06she was worth.
23:08Pride on both sides can keep a family
23:10apart longer than the actual argument
23:12ever did.
23:14Do you believe the elder should be the
23:16first to reach out after a quarrel?

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