Musk's Problematic Twitter Takeover | Barack Obama Is "Still Fine" | Lula Wins In Brazil — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00[Applause]
2. 0:00Welcome to The Late Show
3. 0:02I'm your host Stephen Colbert first of
4. 0:05all
5. 0:09happy Halloween everybody it is
6. 0:13love Halloween it's the scariest night
7. 0:15in America just above every other night
8. 0:18in America
9. 0:19and to all the kids out there still
10. 0:21riding a sugar high welcome to late
11. 0:23night okay don't fall asleep no matter
12. 0:25what your parents say because the minute
13. 0:27you go to bed they're stealing all your
14. 0:28best candy
15. 0:30okay I'm talking
16. 0:32KitKat now
17. 0:34what I'm saying you know what I'm saying
18. 0:38give me a break
19. 0:42do you like my costume this year very
20. 0:44nice I'm dressed up as my dog Benny
21. 0:47[Laughter]
22. 0:52he's a very good boy
23. 0:54it's very special Halloween because the
24. 0:56Powerball jackpot has reached one
25. 0:58billion dollars yeah
26. 1:01was only the second time it's been this
27. 1:04high in powerball's history before
28. 1:06Powerball of course the most popular
29. 1:08lotto game was just ball
30. 1:12[Applause]
31. 1:13the winner the winner would get a ball
32. 1:18loser would get typhus
33. 1:21also the winner
34. 1:23Powerball drawing occurred at 11 PM
35. 1:26tonight which is after we taped the show
36. 1:28but I can already announce the winning
37. 1:30numbers they are 4 9 20 22 69 with a
38. 1:38Powerball of 20. those are the winning
39. 1:41numbers you can take it to the bank
40. 1:47how do I know because those are the ones
41. 1:49on my ticket okay so that's what won
42. 1:53regardless of the lies you hear in the
43. 1:55mainstream media
44. 1:57okay
45. 1:58if if I win if I am correct I will split
46. 2:02this
47. 2:03everyone in this room right
48. 2:07okay
49. 2:12that's right okay
50. 2:18like 95.5 down on The Middle
51. 2:21[Applause]
52. 2:22of course I hope everyone wins because
53. 2:24we all need something to cherish up
54. 2:25after that Maniac broke into Nancy
55. 2:28Pelosi's house and hit her husband in
56. 2:30the head with a hammer now Paul Pelosi
57. 2:34is still in the hospital thankfully he's
58. 2:35expected to make a full recovery the
59. 2:37attacker who is now sure go ahead please
60. 2:46the attacker who is now facing federal
61. 2:48charges for assault and attempted
62. 2:50kidnapping is named David Wayne depappi
63. 2:53we've got to stop giving people the
64. 2:55middle name Wayne
65. 2:57it never ends well David Wayne depappi
66. 3:00John Wayne Gacy Osama wenladen
67. 3:04now it appears
68. 3:06it appears the Papi is extremely
69. 3:09mentally ill and has also made racist
70. 3:12posts online including some that
71. 3:14question the results of the 2020
72. 3:16election defended the former president
73. 3:18and echoed Q Anon conspiracy theories so
74. 3:21either he's going to be
75. 3:22institutionalized or the 2024 GOP
76. 3:25nominee
77. 3:29what's the difference
78. 3:35political violence is all too common in
79. 3:37America now but here's something I did
80. 3:39not see coming de Papi is from British
81. 3:42Columbia he's Canadian
82. 3:45that's how toxic our politics have
83. 3:47become Canada got a contact crazy
84. 3:52they went from Dudley Do-Right to Dudley
85. 3:54did what
86. 3:56the discourse in America is about to get
87. 3:58way worse thanks to new Twitter CEO Elon
88. 4:01Musk
89. 4:03seen here watching Street urchins
90. 4:05Scramble for his discarded chicken bone
91. 4:09Musk took over the Twitter on Friday and
92. 4:13immediately there was an explosion of
93. 4:15hate speech including the use of the
94. 4:17n-word on the platform which jumped 500
95. 4:21percent leading Twitter to change the
96. 4:23landing page from what's Happening to
97. 4:30the company of course company blamed it
98. 4:33on Trolls but of all the trolls on
99. 4:35Twitter none are trolliers and the troll
100. 4:37who just bought it because yesterday
101. 4:39musk replied to a tweet from Hillary
102. 4:41Clinton about the attack on Paul Pelosi
103. 4:43that condemned the violence and
104. 4:45conspiracy theories with a link to a
105. 4:48homophobic conspiracy theory blaming the
106. 4:50victim of the violence that's not just
107. 4:52awful that is beyond the pale and so is
108. 4:56Elon Musk
109. 4:58[Applause]
110. 5:00look how white he is not so much Moby as
111. 5:03just a dick
112. 5:15VAR he blows
113. 5:19boy that makes me mad I just wanna what
114. 5:21what do I want to do speaker Pelosi all
115. 5:23right punch him out and I'm gonna go to
116. 5:25jail I'm Gonna Be Happy
117. 5:28and Twitter
118. 5:33and is this true I'm being told that
119. 5:36there is news of musk breaking Twitter
120. 5:38because we found out today that Elon
121. 5:41Musk has dissolved the company's board
122. 5:44and crowned himself sole director okay
123. 5:48that sounds power matted but don't worry
124. 5:50before he got that title he ran it by
125. 5:52the CFO Elon Musk the head of H.R Elon
126. 5:55Musk and the personal assistant to Elon
127. 5:57Musk
128. 5:58Elon Musk
129. 6:00so that's it that's it it's done
130. 6:12he's the only director let that be a
131. 6:14lesson to you kids if you work hard
132. 6:16become wealthy and powerful enough one
133. 6:18day you too can pay 44 billion dollars
134. 6:21to sit in a room by yourself
135. 6:25what else is going on the midterms here
136. 6:27we're coming up the midterms are a week
137. 6:28from tomorrow
138. 6:30and the race is tightening so the
139. 6:31Democrats have Unleashed their secret
140. 6:33weapon Barack Obama
141. 6:35he spent
142. 6:40I know I know I know Constitution
143. 6:47he spent the weekend doing rallies for
144. 6:49his party and some ladies in Michigan
145. 6:52were into it now
146. 6:58what's going on on the campaign Trail
147. 7:01feels a little harder than it's Houston
148. 7:04not just because I'm older and grayer
149. 7:11said I was so fine
150. 7:14okay
151. 7:23I'm not I'm not going to tell Michelle
152. 7:25you said that
153. 7:28although Michelle does a group
154. 7:31I would like to point out that is two
155. 7:34things the 45th president will never
156. 7:36have a crowd shouting how hot he is and
157. 7:39a wife who agrees
158. 7:43foreign
159. 7:48Obama also spoke down in Georgia where
160. 7:51he went after Republican Senate
161. 7:53candidate Herschel Walker seen here in a
162. 7:55stadium filled with his secret children
163. 8:05Obama made the case against Walker in
164. 8:08college he was amazing one of the best
165. 8:10running backs of Alta
166. 8:13but but here's the question
167. 8:17does that make him the best person to
168. 8:19represent you in the USA by the way the
169. 8:22opposite is true too like you you may
170. 8:24have liked me as president but you would
171. 8:26not want me starting a tailback for the
172. 8:29dogs
173. 8:29[Laughter]
174. 8:31respectfully sir you'd be terrible at
175. 8:33any position especially quarterback
176. 8:37uh
177. 8:38look
178. 8:40look uh blue
179. 8:45blue
180. 8:47uh 42.
181. 8:49[Laughter]
182. 8:53Omaha
183. 9:03hold on hold on hold on
184. 9:12there you go
185. 9:24oh there's big news out of Brazil Nega
186. 9:27you're from Brazil big news from your
187. 9:28home country right there yeah Mega
188. 9:31Santos right there
189. 9:34okay it's in the presidential race
190. 9:36between far right incumbent and guy who
191. 9:38won't stop complimenting your open-toed
192. 9:39sandals
193. 9:41jair bolsonaro and left his former
194. 9:44president and cowboy describing his
195. 9:46missing hat Louise Ignacio Lula de Silva
196. 9:49this was a high-stakes election because
197. 9:50bolsonaro is known for embracing fascism
198. 9:53intentionally letting the coronavirus
199. 9:55kill hundreds of thousands and
200. 9:57overseeing a surge in deforestation in
201. 9:59the Amazon and as any Brazilian will
202. 10:01tell you deforestation should happen
203. 10:03only along the bikini line
204. 10:06well the results are finally in
205. 10:09the results are finally in and by a
206. 10:11razor thin margin Brazil has elected
207. 10:13Lula and
208. 10:16it's a good thing is this a good thing
209. 10:19that is a great thing yes there you go
210. 10:22there you go
211. 10:25when the results were announced
212. 10:27thousands of Brazilians across the
213. 10:29country were ecstatic and came out to
214. 10:31celebrate things got so wild even Christ
215. 10:34the Redeemer got into it
216. 10:36[Music]
217. 10:38yeah
218. 10:40this is a huge
219. 10:42I got a little something
220. 10:45this is a huge comeback for Lula in the
221. 10:48years since his last term ended he was
222. 10:50imprisoned after a sentence for
223. 10:51corruption before Brazil's Supreme Court
224. 10:53annulled his convictions Holy Roller
225. 10:56Coaster
226. 10:57this guy's getting one hell of a sequel
227. 10:59you can watch it all in the movie Lula
228. 11:01partulla Electric boogalula
229. 11:05you're gonna be okay there you go
230. 11:08heads
231. 11:14despite the result Brazilians are on
232. 11:16edge Lula's win came at the end of a
233. 11:19very messy election where a
234. 11:20misinformation soared at times Lulu
235. 11:22supporters accused bolsonaro of being a
236. 11:24cannibal and a pedophile and bolsonaro
237. 11:26supporter called Lula a Satanist a gang
238. 11:29leader and a communist communist gang
239. 11:32leaders are the worst a
240. 11:34nice business you got here be ashamed if
241. 11:37the work has controlled the means of
242. 11:38production you know what I'm saying
243. 11:40okay
244. 11:42look I hate to see somebody for the
245. 11:44dialectic
246. 11:46unfortunately it looks like bolsonaro is
247. 11:48pulling a bit of a Maga and has yet to
248. 11:50publicly concede and we all know what
249. 11:53comes next a bunch of insane election
250. 11:55conspiracies from the head of Brazil's
251. 11:57biggest linen company my pilau
252. 12:01[Applause]
253. 12:04yes sir Jennifer Hudson and Sasha
254. 12:06Mammoth and when we come back robot
255. 12:10stick around
256. 12:12[Music]
257. 12:15foreign
258. 12:18[Music]
259. 12:26[Applause]