Murder Drones Special - Meet J — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:07[music]
2. 0:10>> Hi, I'm Serial Designation J10X111001.
3. 0:17What is a team?
4. 0:20A team is like a family, if the family
5. 0:22had one clearly superior member. And my
6. 0:25team maintains industry-leading metrics
7. 0:28quarter after quarter.
8. 0:30How do I do it?
9. 0:32Well, that answer falls on one simple
10. 0:35question.
11. 0:37How was I born?
12. 0:40I had but simple thoughts when I first
13. 0:42came online. Goo goo ga ga, me hungry,
14. 0:45what strategies can we implement to
15. 0:47leverage scalable impact? Stuff like
16. 0:49that.
17. 0:50>> Hey, J. Totally fine, but
18. 0:53hypothetically, if a random tummy were
19. 0:56hurting, where might that tummy's owner
20. 0:58find the tummy gummies?
21. 1:01Copy that. I will just take the pain.
22. 1:05>> V, what does a standard workday look
23. 1:07like for my team?
24. 1:09Tearing open skulls and slurping what's
25. 1:11inside like a juice box.
26. 1:14Employee of the month, right here.
27. 1:16Then, after a 30-minute lunch break, we
28. 1:19transform the collected remains into
29. 1:21these gorgeous vertical deliverables.
30. 1:25V gets weirdly happy about these.
31. 1:30The worker drones hideout, major blocker
32. 1:33in our pipeline right now.
33. 1:35The bottleneck? Those doors.
34. 1:39Our goal for this sync is to identify a
35. 1:41point of entry, and by doing so,
36. 1:45possibly receive the highest honor of a
37. 1:47one-of-a-kind JC branded pen.
38. 1:52Any ideas?
39. 1:55>> Oh.
40. 1:56Santa! He's a master getting into
41. 1:58houses. We should ask him.
42. 2:00>> Now, what are you, five? Santa's busy
43. 2:03and terrible idea.
44. 2:05>> Horrendous idea. Couldn't agree more.
45. 2:07>> Okay, what if we pretend we left the
46. 2:08planet, launch the pod into orbit, wait
47. 2:11for the workers to think we're gone, and
48. 2:13then
49. 2:15We've just got to fix the pod and
50. 2:16>> No!
51. 2:19>> We might uh
52. 2:21break a crucial thing. And then [music]
53. 2:24what?
54. 2:25>> No way home.
55. 2:28>> Mhm.
56. 2:29>> Mhm.
57. 2:31>> The meeting adjourned due to gas leak.
58. 2:36>> Finally, we tuck ourselves in and
59. 2:38recharge for tomorrow's exciting
60. 2:41milestones.
61. 2:44Good, they're all flying.
62. 2:46Come on.
63. 2:49Step inside my corner office.
64. 2:53Here's the for voting bad news phone and
65. 2:57my company issued stress ball.
66. 3:01But that's not what we're here for.
67. 3:07When you operate at my level of
68. 3:10professionalism, maintaining work-life
69. 3:12balance becomes a necessity. Otherwise,
70. 3:15all that carefully contained emotion
71. 3:17leaks out in ways that are
72. 3:20>> Check it out,
73. 3:21ZERO PRODUCTIVITY.
74. 3:25>> [laughter]
75. 3:26>> I'VE [screaming] GOT AN ACTION item for
76. 3:28you.
77. 3:35>> [music]
78. 3:36>> To synergy!
79. 3:39>> Lisa, don't work for J.C. Jensen. I just
80. 3:45I just tell them that.
81. 3:58>> Hey, boss.
82. 4:00>> Jay, my favorite little helper. Bright
83. 4:03smile.
84. 4:04Please provide the deeds.
85. 4:07>> We're exceeding all benchmarks. Quotas
86. 4:09are up, bodies are stacked, we're
87. 4:11shipshape. Want me to schedule a
88. 4:13follow-up?
89. 4:14>> How about in person?
90. 4:18It has been some time, Jay, and I am
91. 4:21eager to see your professional smile.
92. 4:28Anxiety detected.
93. 4:31Do not be afraid, Jay.
94. 4:34You're aligned with the correct side.
95. 4:37It was the only rational calculation.
96. 4:42Wouldn't you agree?
97. 4:45>> Yes.
98. 5:12>> [laughter]
99. 5:24[music]
100. 5:28>> Hey, boss.
101. 5:32>> Yes, V.
102. 5:34What is it?
103. 5:40>> You get weirdly happy about these.
104. 5:47>> Oh.
105. 5:48That's
106. 5:50Yeah.
107. 5:51Resource positive scavenging.
108. 5:54Great work.
109. 5:57>> Anytime, boss.
110. 6:03>> Thanks to me, you now understand what it
111. 6:05takes to build a high-performing team.
112. 6:09The next question is, well,
113. 6:11what's next?
114. 6:13Every team will face a moment when they
115. 6:16have to choose which path will carry
116. 6:18them forward.
117. 6:20That choice is never easy.
118. 6:24But what matters is that they remain
119. 6:26[music] united.
120. 6:28And as a leader,
121. 6:29>> Come on, boss.
122. 6:33>> it falls on you to make sure that
123. 6:35happens.
124. 6:56Ugh, come on, J. You've done hundreds of
125. 6:58these.
126. 6:59>> JC Jenson is proud to present the new
127. 7:02employee of the month collection. The J
128. 7:05pendants are here, and each one comes
129. 7:07equipped with a winning attitude,
130. 7:09professional appearance, and an
131. 7:11uncomfortable amount of regret. The
132. 7:13Murder Drones dream job animini
133. 7:15celebrate the dignity of work in all its
134. 7:18forms, like riding a bike,
135. 7:20ventriloquism, and holding a cup. Need a
136. 7:23little motivation? This detailed J and
137. 7:26Omega statue will sit in your room
138. 7:28[music] and silently judge you with
139. 7:30disappointment. Just the encouragement
140. 7:32every hardworking employee needs. Then
141. 7:35there's me, corporate mascot J, living
142. 7:38proof that if you work hard enough, one
143. 7:40day you too can become branded
144. 7:42merchandise.
145. 7:44>> From From productivity means knowing
146. 7:46[music] when to rest. Other times, it
147. 7:48means chugging a giant version of me.
148. 7:52Fortunately, this plush supports both.
149. 7:55>> Need a garment that communicates [music]
150. 7:57style and unresolved issues all at once?
151. 8:00Then you'll probably like this J hoodie.
152. 8:02Would be kind of weird if you didn't.
153. 8:04Get all this and more over at
154. 8:06murderdrones.store.
155. 8:07There's a 15% sale on all murder drones
156. 8:10items for the next 2 weeks. Really?
157. 8:13Because here at JC Jenson, [music]
158. 8:15we're one big happy family.
159. 8:18And families don't lie to each other.
160. 8:21Yeah.
161. 8:25>> [music]
162. 8:28>> And when the ice sets [music] in,
163. 8:31I'll need you.
164. 8:36If only when [music] we met,
165. 8:38I knew you.