Most Likely, You’re Scared to See Yourself. Here's What to Do — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00If you're scared of being seen, it means
2. 0:01that you're not actually seeing yourself
3. 0:03and most likely you're very scared to
4. 0:05see yourself. And in this video, I'm
5. 0:07going to explain what I mean by that and
6. 0:09then I'm going to talk about three
7. 0:10things you can do to dissipate that fear
8. 0:13of being seen. So, we're going around
9. 0:15thinking, "Oh, I'm scared to be seen."
10. 0:17So, what that typically means is that,
11. 0:19"Oh, somebody's going to see me and
12. 0:20judge me." Or it means somebody's going
13. 0:22to see me and I'm going to judge myself.
14. 0:25And so, if you're judging yourself or
15. 0:27you're worried about somebody else
16. 0:28judging you, it means that you can't see
17. 0:31yourself clearly.
18. 0:32Right? So, whatever it is that you think
19. 0:34is wrong with you, that you think is
20. 0:35going to be judged, here's the thing I
21. 0:37guarantee, there are thousands of other
22. 0:39people, millions, billions of other
23. 0:41people that have that exact same thing.
24. 0:44As a matter of fact, there's billions of
25. 0:46other famous people who are seen all the
26. 0:47time who have that exact same thing.
27. 0:50Right? There are famous people who are
28. 0:51shy, there are famous people who are
29. 0:54there are famous people who
30. 0:56are dumb, there are famous people who
31. 0:58are too smart for themselves, that are
32. 1:00in their head, whatever it is, there's
33. 1:01somebody else that has that.
34. 1:03And the reason that you're not seeing
35. 1:04yourself clearly, that you're not seeing
36. 1:06yourself really at all, is because
37. 1:08you're not seeing yourself as a whole
38. 1:09person.
39. 1:11Right? So, if you can actually see
40. 1:12yourself as a whole person with some
41. 1:14gentleness and some care,
42. 1:16then
43. 1:17you're not going to be scared of seeing
44. 1:19yourself. But if you think there's
45. 1:21something wrong with you, if you think
46. 1:22there's something broken with you,
47. 1:24then seeing yourself is actually quite
48. 1:25scary. It's a little bit like the story
49. 1:27of
50. 1:29Luke Skywalker going into the cave,
51. 1:31right?
52. 1:33And thinking he's fighting this fierce
53. 1:34enemy, but there's actually nothing
54. 1:36there, it's just an illusion.
55. 1:37It's a similar thing. People are very
56. 1:39scared to be able to see themselves
57. 1:41until they actually do it. And then they
58. 1:43realize, "Oh, if I truly see who I am,
59. 1:47I'm going to see
60. 1:49that I am pretty much like everybody
61. 1:51else.
62. 1:52And if there's something wrong with me,
63. 1:53there's something wrong with everybody.
64. 1:55And if there's nothing wrong with me,
65. 1:56then there's nothing wrong with
66. 1:58everybody. And all of a sudden this
67. 1:59whole idea of something wrong with me or
68. 2:00something not right with me becomes like
69. 2:02thinking there's something wrong with
70. 2:03sunflowers and something right with
71. 2:05sunflowers. It doesn't make any sense
72. 2:07anymore. So, that's what I mean by if
73. 2:10you are scared of being seen, you're not
74. 2:12actually seeing yourself and you're
75. 2:13probably scared to see yourself. Of
76. 2:15course, there's the question of like how
77. 2:17do you see yourself in that light? And
78. 2:19we're going to talk about three things
79. 2:20you can do so that you can feel seen,
80. 2:23but there's something really important
81. 2:24about how do you see yourself before we
82. 2:27get to that.
83. 2:29And so, we teach something in the
84. 2:30Connection Course called VIEW, which is
85. 2:31vulnerability, impartiality, empathy,
86. 2:34and wonder.
87. 2:35And it's what we teach about how to
88. 2:37connect with another person, but it's
89. 2:39also how we teach connecting with
90. 2:41yourself. So, when you look at yourself,
91. 2:43can you be vulnerable?
92. 2:45What that means is, oh, I am going to be
93. 2:48truthful with myself even if it's a
94. 2:50little bit scary. Can I be impartial?
95. 2:52Meaning, I'm not trying to manage
96. 2:54myself, not trying to get myself
97. 2:55somewhere. Can I just say, oh, this is
98. 2:57where I am and it's where I am in my
99. 2:58development and I'm evolving
100. 3:01and I don't need to push myself to get
101. 3:02anywhere.
102. 3:04And can I be empathetic with myself? Can
103. 3:05I actually allow myself to feel my own
104. 3:07feelings? And can I be in wonder with
105. 3:09myself?
106. 3:10Can I actually be like, what is it that
107. 3:12I don't understand about myself?
108. 3:14So, instead of saying, oh,
109. 3:17I'm fat and I need to get skinny. I'm
110. 3:19like, oh, I wonder what makes it that I
111. 3:21eat the way that I eat or I wonder what
112. 3:23makes it that I'm not exercising the way
113. 3:25that I want to exercise.
114. 3:28Instead of I should work out every 2
115. 3:30days just like this, it's like being in
116. 3:31wonder. If you can do those things, if
117. 3:34you can have that attitude towards
118. 3:35yourself, you can deeply connect with
119. 3:36yourself. And when you connect with
120. 3:38yourself, you can see yourself more
121. 3:40clearly. So, it's really important to
122. 3:42understand that mindset because it's
123. 3:44that mindset that we teach in the
124. 3:46Connection Course that's going to help
125. 3:47you
126. 3:48in all the things that I'm going to
127. 3:49teach you to do to really allow yourself
128. 3:51to be seen.
129. 3:53So, the first thing you can do to allow
130. 3:54yourself to feel seen is to see how much
131. 3:57you care.
132. 3:58So, if you can own the impact that
133. 4:01you're having on your life and other
134. 4:03people's lives, your need to be seen
135. 4:05starts dissipating.
136. 4:07And if your need to be seen starts
137. 4:09dissipating, then all of a sudden your
138. 4:12your capacity to feel seen increases
139. 4:14because often times if we need something
140. 4:16really, really badly, we're like, "Oh,
141. 4:18please, please, please." which really
142. 4:19chases it away. I mean, think about it
143. 4:20this way. I'm like, "Oh, please, could
144. 4:22could you be my friend? Could you Could
145. 4:23you be my friend?" Right? You're just
146. 4:25like, "I don't want to be that guy's
147. 4:26friend."
148. 4:27And so, if you aren't needy, then all of
149. 4:29a sudden it's easier for you to be seen.
150. 4:32So, what do I mean by allowing yourself
151. 4:34to really feel your impact?
152. 4:37Let's say you have done this great piece
153. 4:39of work.
154. 4:41Can you actually allow yourself to feel
155. 4:42how much you care about that work?
156. 4:45Can you allow yourself to feel how many
157. 4:48people's lives you change with that
158. 4:50work?
159. 4:51Can you allow yourself to see that your
160. 4:53co-workers had an easier job because you
161. 4:56were around?
162. 4:57Can you see the product that you created
163. 5:00and how proud you are of it?
164. 5:02That's what I mean. Can you actually own
165. 5:05the thing that you want other people to
166. 5:07see in you? Can you see it in yourself?
167. 5:09Because if you don't see it in yourself,
168. 5:12what happens is you always are a hungry
169. 5:14ghost. You're saying, "Oh, I want to be
170. 5:15seen as valuable. I want to be
171. 5:17appreciated. I want someone to love me."
172. 5:21But when they do, I'm like, "Oh, no, it
173. 5:22really wasn't me." You You call it
174. 5:25humility or something. You're like, "No,
175. 5:27no, no, no, no, it was the whole group.
176. 5:29It moved through me." Whatever you say.
177. 5:31And so, it never feeds you. So, you
178. 5:33never actually get that nourishment,
179. 5:35that part of you satisfied. So, you're
180. 5:37not giving it to yourself and you're
181. 5:38always subtly rejecting it when someone
182. 5:40gives it to you, which then makes the
183. 5:43person who's giving it to you saying,
184. 5:44"I'm not not to give that person a
185. 5:45compliment again. They just freaking
186. 5:47called me a liar.
187. 5:48"Oh, you're so beautiful." "Oh, no, I'm
188. 5:50not." I'm not going to call you
189. 5:52beautiful. Now, you just freaking called
190. 5:53me a liar. Are you kidding me?
191. 5:56And I remembered this. There were In my
192. 5:57life, I was chasing, constantly chasing
193. 6:00people's approval.
194. 6:01And I was doing it in a really manly
195. 6:03way, like, I don't need your approval,
196. 6:04but I really was, and I really did, and
197. 6:06I was chasing their approval.
198. 6:08And this recognition of like, "Oh, when
199. 6:10I started approving of myself, I didn't
200. 6:12need anybody else's approval."
201. 6:15And what's odd is that people started
202. 6:17approving of me
203. 6:18because I was more connected.
204. 6:21I was more able to just see them as they
205. 6:23were because I wasn't chasing them. And
206. 6:25that actually created the approval I was
207. 6:27looking for, which was like not expected
208. 6:29at all.
209. 6:31And wasn't really so necessary anymore
210. 6:33because one, I was approving of myself,
211. 6:35and two, I could accept their approval.
212. 6:37All right, let's go into the second
213. 6:38thing you can do to allow yourself to be
214. 6:40seen. Whatever it is that you want to be
215. 6:42seen as, maybe I want to be seen as
216. 6:44valuable, maybe I want to be seen as
217. 6:45smart, maybe I want to be seen as
218. 6:49super cool. You're going to have a
219. 6:50judgment around that.
220. 6:53So, maybe you have a judgment just like
221. 6:55in wanting attention.
222. 6:57"Oh my god, I want it to not All those
223. 6:58people over there, they want too much
224. 7:00attention. That person's always
225. 7:01attention-seeking. I don't like that."
226. 7:03Some judgment that you're going to have
227. 7:05around people who are seeking attention.
228. 7:08But everybody is seeking attention.
229. 7:10Think about it for a second, like, kids,
230. 7:12they seek attention, adults seek
231. 7:14attention. Nobody wants to come home and
232. 7:16have everybody ignore them. Are you
233. 7:17kidding me? Like, no, everybody wants
234. 7:19some some part of attention. And if you
235. 7:22can see all the things that you judge as
236. 7:24just part of human nature,
237. 7:27that that oh, wow, this is part of all
238. 7:30of us, then you can start to see that
239. 7:31there are some people who do it in a way
240. 7:33that you actually are super impressed
241. 7:35with.
242. 7:36There are people who get attention that
243. 7:38you're like, "Oh, they're great because
244. 7:39they're generous with giving other
245. 7:40people attention." Or they show a lot of
246. 7:42admiration for other people, or they
247. 7:44actually handle the attention with a
248. 7:46grace that you really appreciate.
249. 7:49But if you're judging it, you can't
250. 7:50actually see the way that you want to
251. 7:52deal with it, or the way that you'd be
252. 7:53proud to handle it. Whatever it is that
253. 7:56you're judging other people for, you're
254. 7:57also judging yourself for.
255. 8:00And that indicator right there is to
256. 8:02tell you what you need to give up the
257. 8:03judgment on for you to be able to be
258. 8:05seen in that way.
259. 8:07Because as long as you think that kind
260. 8:09of person is crappy, you don't really
261. 8:10want to be seen as that kind of person,
262. 8:12even though you actually do. And that's
263. 8:15what creates the conflict in you. Now,
264. 8:17the third trick in being able to be seen
265. 8:19is to figure out what it is that you
266. 8:22think that you're going to get when
267. 8:24you're seen. So, all of a sudden, I walk
268. 8:26into your house and I'm like, "Wow, you
269. 8:28are one of the coolest people that I've
270. 8:30ever met. And I just think you're the
271. 8:32smartest person in the world, and you're
272. 8:33really significant, and I want you in my
273. 8:36life."
274. 8:38What did that give you?
275. 8:40What did you all of a sudden get? Maybe
276. 8:42you got love.
277. 8:44Maybe you got a sense of purpose. Maybe
278. 8:47you got
279. 8:48the feeling of like, "Oh, I'm I'm deeply
280. 8:50seen." So, whatever it is that you think
281. 8:52you're going to get,
282. 8:55there's an opportunity to give that to
283. 8:56yourself.
284. 8:58And the reason that that works, the
285. 9:00reason that helps you allow yourself to
286. 9:02be seen, is because again,
287. 9:03you're super needy for this stuff.
288. 9:05You're hoping to get it.
289. 9:07And as long as you're hoping to get it,
290. 9:08you're pushing it away.
291. 9:10Cuz I really, really want your
292. 9:11attention. And then you get the Get the
293. 9:13heck away from me.
294. 9:15So, that's a big part of it. The other
295. 9:17thing is that when you get it from the
296. 9:19outside,
297. 9:21it's really not ever as good as when you
298. 9:22get it from yourself. As a matter of
299. 9:24fact, I'm hanging out with this one
300. 9:25creator who is, you know, 7 8 I don't
301. 9:29know, maybe 10 million followers at this
302. 9:31point.
303. 9:32And you know, we're having this moment
304. 9:33of intimacy. We're in a coaching
305. 9:35session, and he's basically saying to me
306. 9:37like, "Hey,
307. 9:38I feel like
308. 9:41I'm just not never good enough. I'm not
309. 9:42I'm never
310. 9:43I'm never like I'm never going to get
311. 9:45there. Like all these people love me,
312. 9:46but I if they really knew me, they
313. 9:48wouldn't."
314. 9:50Wow, he's got 7 million people who love
315. 9:52him. He like walks down the street and
316. 9:54people are like, "Hey, man, great
317. 9:56YouTube channel."
318. 9:58And inside, he's still
319. 10:00spinning because he's not giving it to
320. 10:02himself.
321. 10:03There's nothing you're going to get from
322. 10:05the outside world that's going to
323. 10:06satisfy it.
324. 10:08The only thing that is really going to
325. 10:09satisfy it is your recognition of it in
326. 10:11yourself.
327. 10:13The interesting thing about all of this
328. 10:15is
329. 10:16this isn't like a lot of work or it
330. 10:18doesn't have to be a lot of work. So,
331. 10:21like right now, take a moment
332. 10:23and see what it's like to just put the
333. 10:25intention to see yourself clearly.
334. 10:28Like just
335. 10:30see one aspect of yourself or see your
336. 10:32whole self just clearly.
337. 10:34Just close your eyes.
338. 10:38And notice what's here right now. Not
339. 10:40what's in the future. Not what's in the
340. 10:42past. Not what you're scared will occur.
341. 10:44Not what
342. 10:46you think you've done in the past that's
343. 10:47bad, but just like right now,
344. 10:50look only for the evidence that's right
345. 10:52now.
346. 10:53See who you are right now.
347. 10:59And you can feel immediately
348. 11:02what it's like to be seen.
349. 11:04And that's what you're looking for. It
350. 11:06can be just that simple.