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Milo Edwards: Pindos (Full Special) — Transcript

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0:07here's the garage
0:23[Music]
0:30[Applause]
0:35hello hello
0:45I'm Jimmy well
0:48fantastic my name is Milo Edwards this
0:50show is called pindos which is a Russian
0:52slang term meaning the American I'm
0:54aware that I sound like this
0:56we're gonna get to that
1:00I have a theory the theory is this you
1:02can fundamentally change the meaning of
1:04any sentence in any language with two
1:06words or less for example consider the
1:08sentence hello my name's Milo Edwards
1:11and I am famous in Russia
1:15in Russia are the two most important
1:17words in that [ __ ] sentence they
1:19entirely change what's going on because
1:22I think we're all familiar with the
1:24concept of being famous in the west you
1:26know like riches women whatever being
1:28famous in Russia slightly different okay
1:30it's a lot more like being a hot girl in
1:32the west doesn't really do anything for
1:35your career necessarily you do get a lot
1:37of creepy messages on Instagram
1:40that's what I'm working with
1:43I spent three years living in Moscow and
1:46as a result of that okay I have a
1:48favorite place in Moscow and it's called
1:51the Cosmonaut Museum anyone been there
1:55what a couple of people okay right okay
1:57this this a lot of people [ __ ] if they
1:59sent a delegation
2:02I could be in trouble you're not gonna
2:04like where this bit's going if you're
2:05from the Cosmonaut museum look for those
2:07of you who've not been it's a lot like
2:10the Cape Canaveral NASA Museum in the US
2:13right if they had a budget of ten
2:16dollars
2:18it's [ __ ] incredible it's like an
2:20acid trip but cheaper there's papier
2:24mache [ __ ] in there I don't even know
2:26what it's supposed to be it's as though
2:28the Russians went we went to space
2:30everyone knows it went to space [ __ ] the
2:32museum we spent all the money on space
2:37I have a favorite exhibit in the
2:39Cosmonaut Museum it's called dogs in
2:42space let me tell you it does what it
2:45says on the [ __ ] tin
2:47because let me I'll break it down for
2:50you okay at the start of the Soviet
2:52Union there had been zero dogs in space
2:55and uniquely among all the nations of
2:58the Earth the Soviets looked at that
3:00particular stat as a [ __ ] challenge
3:02every day it was like Vitali what shall
3:05we do today shall we perhaps grapple
3:07with some of the Grave socioeconomic
3:09issues facing our vast and desperately
3:11underdeveloped countries like no no
3:13don't be ridiculous you see I found
3:15these Labradors
3:17[Music]
3:18and that is as you know space
3:21we're going to be very busy my friend
3:23there will be no time
3:26no top today or indeed at any point in
3:28the next 75 years
3:31[Music]
3:32and what's [ __ ] wild about the dogs
3:34in space right is every single dog they
3:36went to space right was a dog that
3:38they're like a stray dog that they got
3:40off the street now the interesting
3:42implication of that is if you were
3:43living in Moscow in the 1950s or 60s and
3:46you lost your dog
3:49there was a genuine possibility
3:53some [ __ ] had sent it into
3:56space in the name of communism
4:01what a time in which to live
4:04incredible now the first dog they went
4:07to space she was called Leica she died
4:09because of not to get too technical but
4:11basically there's this problem which is
4:12that dogs aren't supposed to go to
4:13[ __ ] space it's like two things dogs
4:17can't have chocolate and space
4:19ask any vet
4:22immediately after that they sent two
4:24more dogs together belka and stroker now
4:27I don't know what the logic was behind
4:28that but you have to admit from an
4:30outside perspective it sounds a lot like
4:33okay space it seems you can kill one dog
4:37but we have a question for you my friend
4:39what if two dogs you know what's Wild
4:43those two dogs came back alive the
4:46Soviet Union successfully intimidated
4:48space we will keep sending more dogs
4:52until you relent
4:54we fear nothing
4:57absolutely crazy [ __ ] right so that's
5:00not how I ended up in Russia I wasn't
5:01sent there by scientists I ended up in
5:04Russia because I'm a linguist I'm very
5:05interested in the things people say in
5:07the ways in which they say them
5:08something which makes me a hit at
5:10parties thank you
5:13I also studied ancient Greek at
5:15University something else which makes me
5:16a hit at parties there's one thing I
5:19learned from studying ancient Greek it's
5:21that every language has a word which
5:24tells you everything you need to know
5:25about the people who spoke that language
5:26in ancient Greek the word is this word
5:28Raph and a dope now you're probably
5:29thinking Rapha don't what does that mean
5:31probably something ineffable and
5:32untranslatable from Plato about the very
5:35nature of our Human Condition you are
5:36close
5:37graph and a doe what it means is to
5:40insert a radish
5:42which I think we can all agree is a very
5:44good start
5:46into another man's anus now people said
5:50to me Milo what are you studying ancient
5:52Greek for you will never use that in
5:54your job Look At Me Now
5:58it's the only thing I use in my job for
6:01my education
6:02because that's an interesting little
6:04associate political Time Capsule right
6:06because right in in English Okay you can
6:08say the sentence I put a radish in his
6:10anus and you might get thrown out of
6:12pretamonte
6:14but we do not have a word for it the
6:18fact that the ancient Greeks had a word
6:20for it suggests that in ancient Greece
6:22the act of putting a radish in another
6:24man's anus and then deciding to tell
6:26people about it was one of such banal
6:30commonplace everyday Domesticity
6:34that they had to come up with a word
6:36presumably to save time on constantly
6:41saying the entire phrase I put a radish
6:44in his anus
6:45we've got to come up with something
6:47decapolis we're losing entire afternoons
6:50to explaining all of the kind of
6:52fundament radish insertion that we're
6:54doing
6:56something must be done
6:58every every language has a word like
7:00this the Russian language has the word
7:01pizzas now it's very now I'm going to
7:05Loosely translate what basically what
7:06PCS means is some [ __ ] up [ __ ] right
7:09and it's very useful in Russia partly
7:11because it's very flexible in its
7:12context so for example you can say a
7:14sentence like um my grandmother was come
7:16home from shops and she was killed a
7:18Newton by pack of stray dogs
7:22but you can follow it up with something
7:25like however she leave me reasonable
7:27money for inheritance and I use this all
7:29for huge cocaine party with my friends
7:31business
7:34very comfortable with that gray area
7:36between good and bad
7:38you have to be the Russian language has
7:40kind of bent around the country of
7:42Russia right like once a Russian friend
7:43of mine is trying to explain to me what
7:45a niche Russian word I didn't know meant
7:47and what he said was literally well Milo
7:50you see it means like better but in the
7:53sense that it was worse
7:59a concept only the Russian mind could
8:02comprehend
8:04you have to have lived there to
8:06understand what the [ __ ] that means
8:09but I do because let me tell you that
8:11may as well have been the motto of the
8:13Soviet Union the
8:15path that in the sense that they were in
8:16fact significantly worse
8:20significantly yeah
8:22um I was 22 years old when I moved to
8:24Russia that's important because it was a
8:26long time ago right I was 22 decided to
8:28move to Russia this is what the Russians
8:30would call a mid-life crisis
8:34so I decided like the important thing
8:38right is to remember that it was 2015
8:40okay 2015 very different time and like
8:43the reason why it was a different time
8:45is because like Russians were different
8:47then how you think of Russians was
8:49different like now uh if you think of
8:51Russians you're probably thinking of the
8:53war in Ukraine or slightly before that
8:55you were probably thinking of the
8:57world's unluckiest tourist
8:58you remember those guys right chain
9:01Italian restaurant and Cathedral
9:03enthusiasts who by
9:05by pure happens dance would blunder into
9:09these International nerve gas
9:11assassination conspiracies
9:14Dimitri we were just trying to enjoy our
9:16gay honeymoon in this picture as West
9:18Country Town
9:20with its medieval steeple
9:22and we have tripped and assassinated an
9:25enemy of the Russian States
9:27how does this keep happening we must
9:29speak without travel agent
9:32the Russian government was so pissed
9:33about that man they they thought they
9:35had dumbest assassination of 2018 in the
9:38back and then the Saudi Arabian
9:40government was like by Allah hold my
9:42non-alcoholic beer
9:45we are gonna dismember a famous
9:47journalist in our own Embassy on foreign
9:51soil and then to prove that we didn't do
9:53it we are going to release video footage
9:56of him leaving the embassy how are we
9:58going to do that if he's dead are we
10:00going to use a doppelganger or a
10:02disguise no we are going to use reversed
10:05footage I've been walking into the
10:06embassy
10:07yeah
10:09look how alive that man is he even
10:11walked out
10:13he had a fantastic time in the Saudi
10:16Embassy
10:17he learned to dance
10:21yeah 2015 was a very different time yeah
10:24there's no no Trump no brexit David
10:26Cameron had only recently [ __ ] a pig
10:28it was a it was a very different time
10:31for Humanity and um so I showed up in
10:34Russia I thought it would be a good idea
10:36to get a job working as a tutor for a
10:38very rich Russian family now I don't
10:40know if any of you ever done any
10:40tutoring okay but there are certain kind
10:42of Vibes different kinds of clients have
10:44so if you're working for a rich English
10:46family how it works is you kind of show
10:48up and they're like oh very good if you
10:50just come listen a bit embarrassing
10:51spotted bother we appear to have had a
10:53stupid child
10:55yep
11:01can you please do something about it
11:05here's some gold our family acquired in
11:07South Africa right
11:12Rich Russian family is very different
11:13vibe
11:16to shop at Rich Russian family and
11:18they're like oh yes very good of you to
11:19come listen my son is received F in
11:21school for the last five years because
11:22he's trouble genius
11:27you will get him into Oxford University
11:29in the next six weeks he is nine years
11:32old and speaks no English good luck
11:34if you fail I will kill you
11:37different approach right different
11:39approach now this family they had two
11:42drivers which is two more than the
11:44normal number of drivers uh driver
11:46number one he was called Sasha and Sasha
11:49carried a gun and driver number two he
11:52was called Andre and Andre carried a
11:54baffling series of misconceptions about
11:56the world and the way in which it works
11:58loved speaking to Andre there was always
12:01much to learn
12:02one day Andre and I are having lunch and
12:05he advances to me the opinion that he
12:07believes that eating any foreign food
12:08more or less any food that isn't like
12:10boiled chicken is in some way homosexual
12:15[Music]
12:17he said that to me as a man who was sat
12:20there in triple denim with a handlebar
12:23mustache
12:27and now what I want to point out here is
12:29Andre was a pretty nice guy like I know
12:30he's coming over homophobic but what
12:32you've got to realize is that Andre is a
12:34guy of almost 50 who's grown up in rural
12:36Russia right you may have ended up a bit
12:38homophobic in that scenario because
12:40Andre watched a lot of Russian news and
12:42I don't know if they still do this but
12:44at the time on Russian news they used to
12:45regularly refer to Europe as gay Roper
12:49yeah don't get out on your liberal BBC
12:51do you
12:53tune in and find out the truth okay
12:55okay yeah Europe is gay Roper right
12:57because in Europe everyone is gay and
12:59also Europe is run by Sharia law
13:02no no some people quicker on the uptake
13:06than others with that one
13:09yeah and so basically the lion is we
13:11must dig Firm Stance on Europe because
13:13if we don't the Europeans who are gay
13:15we'll come over to Russia with their
13:18Islamic homosexuality
13:20and they will make Russia gay now
13:24obviously that's insane but what it is
13:27is a war I'd [ __ ] love to see
13:31fabulously dressed European soldiers
13:34[ __ ] sweeping across the Baltic
13:36states kicking in the door of some guy
13:38and smellens can make him like a
13:39centered candle and recite the Hadith
13:43the future is now old man
13:47the European Army is here to stay I hope
13:50you like the Halal Taste of [ __ ]
13:56thank you yeah I quit that job
14:01um because the people I was working for
14:02were insane
14:05and I remember the day that I quit
14:07because it was Vladimir Putin's birthday
14:10the reason I remember that is because I
14:12celebrated every year the primary reason
14:13the primary reason I remember it is
14:15because I was waiting to get picked up
14:17by a driver that day and all I had to do
14:19was watch like Channel One Russian news
14:22and there was only one news story that
14:24day which was that Vladimir Putin on his
14:2763rd birthday had chosen to celebrate by
14:30playing ice hockey for the Russian
14:32national ice hockey team as any normal
14:34head of state would do now allow me to
14:38set the scene for you blackout in the
14:40stadium the players are on the ice
14:41Spotlight comes on God Mike
14:45he skates out onto the ice everyone goes
14:48[ __ ] mental people are throwing
14:50flowers newborn children you will be
14:53strong
14:55Putin's doing laps of the ice blowing
14:57kisses to people
14:58the game begins and I'll level with you
15:01I'm thinking where are they going to go
15:03from here we are already at an 11 out of
15:0610. the energy in the room is insane I
15:09tell you what I lacked Faith at that
15:12point because let me tell you the game
15:13began and Vladimir Putin on his 63rd
15:16birthday scored seven goals
15:20against professional ice hockey players
15:24who are 40 years younger than him
15:28and you're watching that and you just
15:30think what a hockey Talent
15:32what made him jacket in to become
15:35president of Russia could have been an
15:37Olympian
15:38maybe Vladimir Putin just didn't have
15:40very supportive parents they were like
15:42no no no you will never be a hockey
15:43player you will go and get a real job
15:45like President of Russia
15:47country which actually does not yet
15:49exist
15:50but eventually it will
15:53yeah so uh I quit that job and I had to
15:56get another job right so I got a job
15:58working for a British company that sold
16:00Financial Services over the phone now uh
16:03it's a bit like imagine okay like Wolf
16:05of Wall Street right but Wall Street is
16:07like an office above a shopping center
16:08in outer Moscow and the Wolf is a
16:11divorced guy from maidenhead
16:14while I was working at this company I
16:16got to meet a lot of people I would
16:17describe as Brits abroad
16:19um now uh the thing about bricks abroad
16:22is uh you kind of leave Britain to find
16:24out how bad some of our exports are
16:26because it turns out that our chief
16:28export is not Marmite no no we are
16:30actually the world's leading producer of
16:32[ __ ]
16:34the Australians had us going for a bit
16:36there but we have stepped up production
16:39we have leveled up British [ __ ]
16:41outnumber Australian [ __ ] three to one
16:43in every major European city
16:46and I got to work with this guy called
16:48Ian now Ian had lived in Russia for
16:51about 10 years and as a point of Pride
16:53had never learned a single word of
16:56Russian
16:57this did not prevent Ian however from
17:00getting into screaming rounds with
17:02Russians who spoke no English
17:05I've never seen anything like it he was
17:07like the rain man of beef it was
17:10incredible to watch the man work
17:12one day it's the morning I'm at the
17:14office now it was usually in very early
17:16and he wasn't in so that would we get a
17:18call from the hospital and Ian's in the
17:20hospital turns out what's happened is
17:22okay Ian was driving into work and he
17:24got involved in a road rage incident now
17:27I don't know if any of you have seen any
17:29Russian dash cam videos
17:32but if you have you may be aware that
17:35this is not a great idea
17:38basically Ian got out of the car and
17:41directed such a stream of like English
17:42invective at this guy that the guy had
17:45decided the only reasonable course of
17:46action was to shoot in in the chest with
17:49a rubber bullet
17:52and Ian is in the hospital with a
17:54fractured Stern
17:56and I'm the real victim here because I
17:58have to go I'm so sorry to hear that
18:02with a completely straight face
18:07the truth is what did I kind of have
18:09contemporary in right because like
18:11literally he learned nothing from this
18:13the first time he's back in the office
18:15it's like two weeks later he goes I'm in
18:16a sling all that Jazzy comes up to me
18:18and he goes well you know them Russian
18:20birds will work down the hill yeah and
18:21I'm like yeah and he's like we know I
18:23always say hello to him every morning
18:24yeah and I'm like yeah and he's like
18:26well this morning I'll walk past and I
18:27go hello and they go aloe but then they
18:30go Ian why is it that we're Russian and
18:32we're in Russia and despite that you
18:35always say hello to us in English and
18:37not like previous or whatever in Russian
18:39and I said because I'm English so I
18:41speak English and I'm like the man's had
18:44a traumatic injury okay
18:45let's go easy on him and I'm like well
18:48Ian for example okay we work with Paul
18:50who's French and even though he's French
18:53he speaks to you in English because
18:54that's easier for you he's like yeah
18:56because I'm English you get it
19:00and I'm not saying that Russian's easy
19:03to learn right it's not it's not a
19:04simple language okay one of my first
19:06encounters with proper Russian on Terra
19:09Firma Russia was I got off the train
19:11from the airport in Central Moscow there
19:13was a sign up at the train station top
19:14of the sign
19:17top of the sign it says minimanya in
19:19Russian which is Russian for attention
19:20underneath that in English it says
19:22attention so far very cosmopolitan
19:27beneath that the rest of the sign
19:29written entirely in Russian
19:32I don't know
19:33interesting approach to signage
19:36because the way it reads is sort of
19:39Russian's attention for you there is a
19:41message foreigners just [ __ ]
19:43attention
19:46you may not be aware you are currently
19:48in Russia this is quite dangerous
19:51maybe keep your wits about you or get
19:53back on the [ __ ] train
19:55but no sympathy for Ian right because
19:57Ian had a Russian wife which is the best
19:59way to learn Russian right like in
20:01theory it's a very complex sandwich
20:03there's lots of grammar going on you
20:04could learn it from a textbook in a
20:05classroom I'm sure some people have done
20:06that but you'll learn the subjunctive a
20:08lot faster when Natalia is screaming at
20:10you believe me that the necessity is the
20:13mother of invention here's an example I
20:16don't know if we know each other well
20:17enough for this story yet let's give it
20:19a go the first time I had sex with the
20:21Russian girl the only time
20:25she turns to me right in media res okay
20:28and she's like [ __ ] me like a crayfish
20:31now
20:37I said what any right thinking person
20:40would do in that situation which was
20:42excuse me
20:46she just repeats [ __ ] me like a crayfish
20:49in a tone of voice as though she is
20:51confused as to why I'm not already doing
20:53it
20:54laughs
20:56now I'm like you see the problem here is
20:59not that I haven't heard what you said
21:01arguably the problem is that I very much
21:04have because to my mind at that point
21:07there were two possibilities right
21:09either [ __ ] as though she is a
21:11crayfish I don't know how you'd go about
21:13that sir
21:15the way in which I would do that would
21:17be to not do it
21:20or possibility too [ __ ] as though I am
21:23a crayfish so I'm now in a sort of Mills
21:25and Boone novel being ghost written by
21:27Franz Kafka
21:30I don't normally carry around a full
21:33kind of hair makeup and costume
21:34Department with me every time I have sex
21:37I don't have sex that often it'd be a
21:39ridiculous overhead
21:41you have to be [ __ ] like a madman for
21:43that to make Financial sense
21:46she then proceeds to explain to me that
21:48like a crayfish is how the Russians
21:50would describe the position we call
21:51doggy style now
21:53I am not a fan of the term doggy style
21:56but I think we can all agree that it
21:57makes sense
21:59because I don't know if you know this
22:01but that's very much how dogs have sex
22:02whereas how crayfish have sex is I don't
22:05know because I'm [ __ ] normal
22:09you know how crayfish have sex and use
22:11it as a descriptor or an analogy you
22:13should be on a list
22:16I don't care which list but one of them
22:20it was a bit of a mood kill I won't lie
22:22to you
22:23but I kind of I tried to get my head
22:25around it and I was like okay I guess if
22:27in Russian you said [ __ ] me like a dog
22:30it might sound like you wanted them to
22:32send you into space
22:36the way it does make sense the crayfish
22:39never got to go to space it was a great
22:40shame really
22:42um but yeah I quit that job as well
22:43couldn't really couldn't really get on
22:45with Ian I'd had enough of Ian right so
22:46I quit that job and uh one of my friends
22:48was like you seem to quit every job that
22:50you have after two weeks aren't you kind
22:52of worried that you're going to run out
22:53of jobs
22:56and I was like no
22:59because I'm in Russia right Russia is a
23:01land of opportunity right okay you know
23:05like people in the west are sometimes
23:07worried about automization like robots
23:09are going to steal their jobs okay no
23:11one in Russia is worried about that for
23:13two reasons first of all there's one job
23:15they can never automate and that is
23:16alcoholism
23:19and second of all Russia is the only
23:21country on Earth where people are
23:23stealing jobs from robots
23:24[Laughter]
23:28playing this team with an example
23:30since I was at a car park in Moscow now
23:32they've got the like exit barrier with
23:34the machine where you put the ticket the
23:35barrier lifts you leave the car park
23:36jobs are good and right now there is a
23:38man in a high for his best and he is Sat
23:40by the exit barrier and his job
23:43is to take the tickets from the drivers
23:45of the cars and then insert them
23:49into the machine and here's looking at
23:52that machine
23:55you would take the tickets yourself
23:57ridiculous you have no arms Vitalia is
24:00future proof
24:03and you might look at that and think
24:04it's a stupid system but that that's
24:06wrong okay that is the most genius
24:08system ever devised okay you've just got
24:09to understand what they're actually
24:10doing because that man isn't there to
24:12make sure that that job gets done right
24:13the Russians understand that doesn't
24:14need to be done that man is there
24:16serving a higher purpose okay that man
24:18is there to save Society from what else
24:21would have happened were such an idiot
24:23not kept busy
24:26the Russians have a very clear
24:28understanding that it's actually much
24:29cheaper to pay that man a salary than it
24:31is to clear up after whatever the [ __ ]
24:33else he would have done with that free
24:34time thank you
24:36because you can read in a newspaper in
24:39Russia like a guy in Shelly Evans drank
24:41four liters of alcohol hand sanitizer on
24:43a Tuesday afternoon and fell off a
24:44school and fell off a balcony and
24:46crushed some school children to death
24:47and you're like pizza how did that
24:49happen
24:50and I'm like I know how it happened that
24:52[ __ ] had a day off
24:54where was his line manager
24:58those jobs exist to keep people in a
25:00given place a given time in some form of
25:02clothing and an approximately sober
25:04condition that is it foreign
25:07it's a full rollout program okay you can
25:10go into any station of the Moscow Metro
25:11at the bottom of the escalator there'll
25:13be like a little guy in a cabin and his
25:16job is to look at the escalators
25:20there's no emergency stop button in
25:22there there's no phone that escalator
25:25catches fire the extent of his duties is
25:27to observe the blaze
25:30like there was a big fire in the Metro
25:32today did you stay in the Box I stayed
25:33in the Box good job
25:36you never leave the Box
25:38you're 90 alcohol you'd go up like a
25:41[ __ ] match
25:44but I got lucky around this time because
25:46I am I bumped into these TV producers I
25:48was doing it I was doing a gig in
25:49English at this bar in Moscow TV
25:51producers came down watched my set came
25:52up to me afterwards spoke to me in
25:53Russian right they're like uh we like
25:55that would you like to be on TV or
25:56something yeah has any offer been
25:58working with them for some weeks I found
25:59out that neither of those two people
26:01spoke any English whatsoever so to recap
26:05two TV producers had come down and watch
26:07me do a set in English understood none
26:09of it gone this guy and that is the
26:10basis of my entire career
26:14I don't know what haunts you in your
26:16darkest moments but
26:18pretty much that one for me so
26:21yeah I am on the basis of this I got
26:24into this show called uh open microphone
26:26it was kind of like um that American
26:28show Last Comic Standing like
26:29competition but sort of a Russian
26:31version so like Last Comic Left Alive
26:33um
26:34and to my surprise I was kind of like
26:36breezing through the rounds of this
26:37competition because I hadn't like a
26:39legal Advantage which was that I was a
26:41British guy speaking Russian which no
26:43one could believe because every British
26:45guy in Russia is Ian
26:48I can't stress that enough it was a low
26:52bar but I was gallivanting over it
26:55and I kind of got to this point where
26:56I'm thinking like I've come to this
26:58country I'm now like kind of a
26:59successful TV comedian maybe I've beaten
27:02Russia now this is not a thought you
27:03should ever have
27:04a hundred percent of people have ever
27:07thought this sort of ended up shooting
27:08themselves in the head in a bunker
27:13[Laughter]
27:16[Applause]
27:18you can see some people a little bit on
27:19the fence about that Jake if you're not
27:22not we're not as like mental health
27:23discourse made it to Hitler's suicide is
27:25that where we're at I was sort of under
27:28the impression it had been an open
27:29season on that guy for a while
27:31online too many dictators they back it
27:34bottle it up don't they you know if only
27:36you'd add someone to talk to if only
27:38Prince Harry and Ed Sheeran had gotten
27:40to him
27:44maybe it could have been averted
27:47um
27:48but yeah so we're filming the show one
27:50day and um one of the one of the main
27:51producers from the station who was this
27:53guy with like no neck like built like a
27:55sumo wrestler just comes over to me
27:57slaps me way too hard on the back and
27:59goes to your [ __ ] star
28:03okay which is credit to how Russians
28:06even when being supportive can be quite
28:07threatening
28:09you will say in Russia you will be a
28:10star I will personally have you killed
28:14um and we have this break in filming we
28:15decided to go to some Petersburg for a
28:16holiday with some friends and um I
28:19happen to be into Petersburg on the 23rd
28:21of June 2016 which some of you may
28:22remember as the day when the British
28:24people in their Infinite Wisdom decided
28:25to vote for brexit now we are not going
28:27to real litigate that here because it's
28:29extremely boring and tiresome there is
28:32one interesting thing about this which
28:33is that on the morning of the 24th of
28:35June 2016 I woke up and I found out the
28:38result I was like [ __ ] hell here we
28:40go right and then one of the Russians
28:42that we were there with came into my
28:44bedroom to congratulate me
28:46and his exact words were as follows
28:50congratulations now your country will be
28:52free like Russia
28:55foreign
28:59s that fundamentally change the meaning
29:02of a [ __ ] sentence
29:11by
29:12the Germans try and take the piss about
29:15brexit like oh now in your country
29:16everything is [ __ ] [ __ ] it's like
29:18yeah that's what they want that's that's
29:20like American nationalists they're like
29:22America's the greatest country on Earth
29:24if you don't like it [ __ ] you British
29:25nationalists alive this country's [ __ ]
29:27it's [ __ ] [ __ ] it's supposed to
29:30be [ __ ] and if you don't like it you can
29:32[ __ ] off laughs
29:37no German could get to me as much as a
29:40Russian congratulating
29:46there were a lot of like very tiresome
29:49people at the time who were like oh you
29:52know like everything's gone mad now
29:53because Trump's been elected and brexit
29:55happens like no those are consequences
29:57things were mad before this that's how
29:59you get to that like right if you want
30:01to understand when things went mad in
30:03the west you could do a lot worse than
30:05September the 11th 2001.
30:08okay 911 quick recap for those who
30:10aren't familiar
30:13first of all didn't happen on the 9th of
30:15November very misleading
30:19brand awareness
30:219th of November I call that European
30:23911.
30:26celebrated every year
30:28second of all 9 11 obviously a tragedy
30:31but when we think about it we often
30:33don't acknowledge the true victims of 9
30:3411 Al-Qaeda
30:37because on September the 11th 2001
30:40Al-Qaeda they were young Mavericks they
30:42were hungry sure they were looking to be
30:44taken seriously on the world stage but
30:46they were not looking to be taken that
30:48seriously
30:50right their agenda was not for America
30:52to go to war with the Islamic world
30:54forever they weren't like yes choke me
30:56daddy that's not what they were going
30:58for
30:59if anything 911's caused nothing but our
31:02sake for Al-Qaeda in many ways 911 is
31:06al-qaeda's Iraq War
31:13on policy joke you'll get this evening
31:15and I know that because I've written all
31:17the others
31:19and I think we can all agree that that's
31:20unfair okay because For Better or For
31:22Worse whether you like it or not 911 was
31:26very good terrorism
31:29terrorism's bad sure fine whatever be a
31:33lib damn about it okay
31:38but if you don't like that try and name
31:40a better terrorism oh wait you can't
31:42because there hasn't [ __ ] been one
31:46they crashed passenger Jets into the
31:48tallest building in the world twice
31:51the Americans are like we're gonna build
31:53the tallest building in the world twice
31:54don't ever blow up both they [ __ ] did
31:57inside the space in 25 minutes
32:00that's not the IRA blowing up a bin full
32:02of dog [ __ ] is it
32:05that is The Real McCoy it's like the
32:08Mozart of terrorism
32:10okay 911 is a lot like Chris Brown's hit
32:13song yo parentheses Excuse Me Miss
32:16I don't agree with the politics of the
32:18guys who did it or probably their views
32:21on women but you gotta admit it is
32:23catchy
32:27and it's weird right we're uncomfortable
32:29with like the concept of a talented
32:32terrorist but we know that they exist
32:33right because we've all seen an
32:35untalented one
32:37I own a van and a bread knife it's Jihad
32:40time
32:43you're embarrassing yourself
32:46this is kind of the Michael Buble of
32:48terrorism right this is no it's no good
32:50it's a poor imitation
32:52and it's weird because we're very
32:53comfortable with people who are talented
32:54to other bad stuff right like Jordan
32:56Belfort The Wolf of Wall Street guy
32:58right talented Financial criminal and
33:00now he goes around the world and gives
33:02talks about like how you too can be a
33:04financial criminal and like cool
33:06whatever but wouldn't a much more
33:08interesting talk be how to make Jihad
33:10and Influence People
33:12eat slay love would you not go
33:16I'd go
33:18because I don't know about you but I
33:19feel a certain Affinity with Osama Bin
33:21Laden like as someone who works in the
33:23Arts right because
33:25I get it that like you know in the 90s
33:28right the Wilderness years people were
33:30probably like Osama
33:32come on mate you're living in a cave
33:35you're sharing with nine other guys
33:38you've got wives and children to support
33:41me I mean maybe terrorism is more of a
33:43hobby for you
33:46have you considered accountancy
33:48but did he listen to them no came back
33:51September 11 2001 [ __ ] the haters showed
33:55them Osama Bin Laden followed his dreams
33:57and For Better or Worse that's more than
33:58most people have the balls to do
34:03if you're still not on board there are
34:05two possibilities
34:06possibility one you simply do not want
34:09to acknowledge the achievements of
34:10non-white people
34:16that's on you brother
34:18option two you're smarter than that I
34:20Believe In This Crowd right and you
34:22simply know as I do right in fact that
34:25Osama Bin Laden was actually the son of
34:27a multi-millionaire Saudi construction
34:29magnate and therefore 911 isn't quite
34:32the rags to riches story dino making it
34:36out to be
34:37sadly even in Jihad the top spots do go
34:39to the privilege
34:43Osama Bin Laden was and I realized the
34:44irony in saying this a champagne
34:46islamist
34:54the crowd don't always agree but it is
34:56it is
34:58thank you so we come down from our
35:00apartment into Petersburg it's like 10
35:02a.m Wednesday morning right whatever day
35:04it was and there's a guy passed out face
35:06down on the pavement and drunk right and
35:09we're like sane
35:10and then some paramedics show up and
35:13we're like [ __ ] is this guy dead
35:15but they're Russian paramedics so they
35:18come over they give them a bit of that
35:20and then they start laughing as well as
35:23if just a signal to everyone on the
35:25street don't worry he's just [ __ ]
35:26wasted continue about your day foreign
35:30because I have a very different attitude
35:31to alcoholism in that country right
35:35like for example if you um if you were
35:38like coming out of your apartment in the
35:39morning right and you saw a guy in like
35:40a tattooed suit in a bin drinking meths
35:42you'd be like that guy has a problem
35:44whereas in Russia it's more like you
35:46don't know his story
35:48[Music]
35:51six months in Moscow I lived in a
35:52building where we had something the
35:54Russians
35:56now
35:57literally translating what that means is
35:59staircase alcoholic
36:02and if you're wondering what that is I
36:04refer you back to the quite explanatory
36:06phrase staircase alcoholic
36:08it's now garlic who lives in your
36:10staircase
36:11does what it says in the tin
36:13every day I would come home and I would
36:15step over this guy on the stairs who
36:17curiously would be either sleeping
36:19drinking or reading the works of fyodo
36:22Dostoyevsky
36:26interesting isn't it oh it says a lot
36:28right that Dostoyevsky is one of the
36:31only authors that a guy who's an
36:32alcoholic who lives in a stairwell can
36:34read and be like it could be worse
36:36yeah
36:39so every day I step over this guy and
36:41he's like good afternoon and I'm like
36:42good afternoon because staircase
36:44alcoholics are extremely polite people
36:47they're the most p's and q's
36:49[ __ ] you're ever gonna meet
36:50because that's right
36:52the sort of noise the staircase
36:54alcoholic might make on the regular
36:57staircase alcoholics are aware of the
37:00precarious position they inhabit they do
37:03not want to become under the bridge
37:04alcoholics
37:07they gotta stay in there with the
37:09residents of the building so I did this
37:11for six months
37:12and after six months I found out from
37:14one of my neighbors that that guy had an
37:16apartment on the sixth floor
37:21and he is choosing
37:23to eat sleep and read Dostoyevsky in a
37:27concrete stairwell
37:29that's the most Russian [ __ ] I've ever
37:31seen in my life
37:33a guy who comes home so blasted that he
37:36looks at that stairwell like Everest
37:38itself
37:40no we will not reach the summit today
37:44and that does make a small base camp
37:46here
37:48have a sleep see how I feel in the
37:50morning
37:52so while I was working in that and
37:54living in that building I um I got a job
37:56on this other TV show I got upgraded to
37:58a TV show that was imaginatively called
38:00Stand Up Now
38:02well I was working outside I've got to
38:03meet this other comedian called Sergey
38:05who is Ukrainian
38:06um and uh we were kind of both getting a
38:08little bit more famous at the same time
38:09right and uh it was Sergey who first
38:12started calling me pindos right the
38:14American now he thought this was very
38:15funny
38:16um and what you've got to realize is
38:18that if you live in Russia and you are
38:20from west of Poland you [ __ ] American
38:24just deal with it it'll make your life a
38:27lot easier I once met a french guy who
38:29was American
38:31we all got along very well at the
38:32Embassy party
38:34uh so again we kind of got on we were
38:36both sort of foreigners in Russia things
38:38were already sort of slightly heating up
38:39with uh Ukraine stuff at that point
38:42um and uh yeah Sergey only had one on
38:45right he'd been born without a left arm
38:46one day he loved smoking weed so we're
38:49really stoned and I'm like Sergey what's
38:52it like only having one on and he turns
38:54to me and goes well I've only ever had
38:56one on so I don't know what having two
38:57arms is like so really the question is
38:59what would you do if you had a third arm
39:07overall someone from the former Soviet
39:09Union a straightforward question
39:13a philosophical training is dangerous
39:19and he and I were kind of we saw a
39:21bonded because we were sharing this
39:23experience of becoming more famous
39:24because it became we weren't that famous
39:25we were like Geordie Shore famous but
39:27that's like more famous than a person
39:29should be okay albeit is not as bad in
39:32Russia because Russia is a country
39:34constantly reminds you you're a piece of
39:35[ __ ] whereas if you get famous in the
39:37west that just takes otherwise
39:39functioning people and turns them into
39:40Ricky Gervais
39:43it's not something that you want right
39:45he was created by us he's our own
39:47monster
39:49Ricky Gervais didn't exist we would have
39:51to build him
39:54and the producers of the TV station
39:56asked me and him if we wanted to go on a
39:59stand-up comedy tour to Siberia now we
40:02went yeah because we heard go on a
40:04stand-up comedy tour we should have
40:06heard the two more important words in
40:07that sentence
40:09to Siberia there were a few questions we
40:13should have asked for example what
40:15airline are you planning to send us on
40:16oh because the people at the TV station
40:19decided they would save a little bit of
40:21money and they sent us on an airline
40:23called pabiada now
40:24pabiada is the Russian word for victory
40:27and I don't know who named that Airline
40:29Victory but they certainly had a sense
40:30of humor
40:32because the victory they had in mind was
40:34over the jurisdiction of the
40:35international Court of Human Rights
40:45orgy of Baroque luxury not scenes it's
40:48the Byzantine Empire
40:52we show up at the check-in desk with
40:54these little rucksack songs we're going
40:55away for three or four days right the
40:57woman behind the tiller's like are you
40:58planning to take this rucksacks with you
41:00on the plane we're like yep that's why
41:02we brought them to the airport well
41:03observed you're a sharp cookie and she's
41:06like no
41:08the hand luggage is not paid for okay
41:10I'm probably that nothing is paid for
41:11the ticket is meaningless you can light
41:13a cigarette with it it really does not
41:15matter
41:16I wouldn't have been surprised if the
41:18question had been are you planning to
41:19sit inside the plane
41:21no no no that is business class
41:25you will be sitting here on the wing
41:29and I'm not making this up does actually
41:32have business class which is the
41:34weirdest Flex in the history of humanity
41:37just buy a ticket on a better Airline
41:40why do you want to be king of all the
41:42poor
41:43like I'm in the front of the plane
41:45experiencing basically a normal easy jet
41:48fight while everyone in the back of the
41:49plane is being spat on by a guy called
41:51Baris from novakaznetsk right
41:55that's not a fun Journey
41:58we turn to this woman and naively said
42:00what do you mean we have to pay for the
42:02hand luggage and she simply pointed
42:05behind her to a big sign that said you
42:07have to pay for that
42:10we're like fair enough
42:13um it is on a sign
42:14beneath that it enumerated all the
42:17things which were banned from hand
42:18luggage one of which was cakes and pies
42:22and you just have to wonder what the
42:24incident was
42:26that provokes that particular thing
42:28right some some months after this I
42:30happened to go on a date with a girl who
42:32was an air hostess for probably right
42:33and um that's my king
42:37and I was like what's the deal with the
42:40cakes and pies thing and then she was
42:42like those [ __ ] took it too far
42:44with the cakes and pies
42:46they were in their rights to ban them
42:48you have no idea and I'm like okay
42:51sorry I asked
42:54but yeah that was basically my life for
42:55two years right like traveling around
42:57Russia uh doing gigs I learned a lot
42:59right about you know professionalism
43:00comedy all that kind of stuff I learned
43:02for example okay that if you are booked
43:04on the same bill as a striptease act you
43:07should go on first
43:10because if as a stand-up comedian you go
43:12on after a stripper what you are is a
43:15stripper who's telling jokes for some
43:17reason
43:20sure the cakes and pies bit is fine but
43:23when's he getting his dick out
43:26it's not my preferred energy to work
43:28with in a room
43:30and um we were kind of enjoying our 15
43:32minutes of fame right except in Russia
43:34it's more like five minutes because of
43:35the lower average life expectancy that's
43:37Pro rata
43:39um and uh we had to like keep getting
43:41stuff on TV because you got forgotten so
43:43fast and so I had to spend a lot of time
43:44with Russian TV producers who had the
43:47unenviable task of producing television
43:49that would never offend anyone they were
43:51big on censorship right but the
43:53censorship didn't work in the way that I
43:54think people would assume it does so the
43:56thing it was less political and more
43:59like socially conservative right so like
44:01one of the things they were most
44:02aggressive about censoring was swearing
44:03they went on a tear at one point where
44:05they were censoring any words which
44:07could be construed as swearing so they
44:09were like bleeping out stuff like
44:10Fiddlesticks which actually made it
44:13sound more like swearing incred like
44:16brain gymnastics you can't imagine
44:18um now like I don't know if you've ever
44:20been told that there's no need to swear
44:22okay but I find it fascinating because
44:25like never has there been a situation
44:27where someone's been in the middle of
44:28like a swearing film old tirade and
44:31someone's gone there's no need to swear
44:34and they've gone oh I'm terribly sorry
44:37I didn't realize there was no need allow
44:41me to continue in Latin that's that's
44:44never happened these people are whingers
44:46they don't understand that there's a
44:47context for everything that's used right
44:49like if you're calling someone a [ __ ]
44:51for example you're probably in a heated
44:53argument or in a business meeting in
44:55Australia
44:57the master of context is the master of
45:00the tool and I love it when people like
45:02come up with these lies about it where
45:03they're like oh well I don't mind
45:04swearing but you know there are children
45:05here we wouldn't want the children to
45:07learn to swear would we and I'm like yes
45:09we would
45:11how else are they going to describe how
45:14[ __ ] everything is
45:16climate change is going to cook him to
45:18death in 10 years and you're worried
45:19about them learning to swear that's the
45:21only useful skill you can equip them
45:23with they're not going to be doing
45:25trigonometry when we're using stone
45:27tools to fight over fresh water are they
45:30hello [ __ ] might stand them in good
45:32stead I think people are just cowards
45:35like some people are like oh they
45:36basically think they're like they don't
45:37want their kid to learn to swear because
45:38then their kid might swear at school and
45:40then people will think they're a bad
45:41parent okay there's way more [ __ ] up
45:43[ __ ] your kids can say right like when
45:45my kids are old enough I don't have kids
45:48yet if I have kids
45:50I'm going to teach them to say stuff
45:52that will damage the other children
45:55like some kids gonna call my kid like a
45:58gaylord or something and then my kid's
46:00gonna be like well that's interesting
46:01Jeremy let's unpack that for a minute
46:03because from your perspective okay as an
46:05optically academically successful not
46:07particularly good looking not
46:08particularly successful in sport or
46:09anything like that representative of a
46:11lower middle class family without the
46:13cushion of inherited wealth and
46:14connections all this school is preparing
46:16you for frankly is a life of drudgery
46:18under the Jack boot of capitalism
46:21no one's bullying my kids
46:27to my kid
46:32my kid I think people confuse swearing
46:36with being mean and it's not it's just
46:38like an extreme part of language we use
46:39it in extreme situations right someone
46:42tells me they're like harrowing story of
46:44like coming to this country as a refugee
46:46and I'm like that's [ __ ] up it's not
46:47eloquent but it's a lot better than oh
46:49golly what a palava hahaha
46:52she's not a broker
46:54the weirdest thing was that a lot of
46:57Russians genuinely believed that the
46:58worst thing you could do was swear in
47:00front of old people which I always
47:02thought was interesting because how am I
47:04going to upset someone who's lived
47:05through the most difficult years of the
47:07Soviet Union with the word pizzas
47:11sorry
47:15darling grad if not well [ __ ]
47:20probably wasn't like well it seems we
47:23are surrounded by German tanks we have 4
47:25000 men two rifles and we are eating
47:27stray dogs to stay alive fiddle Diddy
47:31what a tizzy we have gotten ourselves
47:33into this time
47:35[Music]
47:37they were just weeks from the space
47:38Space Program
47:42I think like uh that gave me a new
47:46perspective on censorship right because
47:48like so I got to know this Russian
47:49comedian called Sasha dogapollov who's
47:51kind of like an like counter-culture
47:53sort of comedian and I was running a gig
47:55at once he came to my gig and he did 20
47:57minutes of material about why he thinks
47:59feminism is a good thing which here
48:01isn't even stand-up comedy that's a TED
48:03talk right
48:05and not even a good one he he got booed
48:09for 20 minutes
48:12I don't know if you've ever tried
48:13stand-up comedy you have to work pretty
48:14hard to get booed for 20 minutes
48:17if anything it's a mark of respect you
48:20have at least engaged your audience
48:23and I kind of had a real like Epiphany
48:25about this because I remember that lots
48:26of Russian comedians would often say
48:27stuff to me like oh my Lord must be
48:29really hard doing comedy in the west
48:31because you can't say anything because
48:32of political correctness this is funny
48:34for two reasons first of all in Russia
48:37there is an official list of buzzwords
48:38and if you say them in a certain order a
48:40van comes
48:42and then you're never seen again
48:45second of all they have right-wing
48:47political correctness right I'm not
48:49going to be one of those people who's
48:50been like this stuff doesn't exist like
48:52sure yeah like in a lot of cases if you
48:54want a career in a kind of liberal media
48:56environment there's stuff that you can't
48:57say about like gay people or black
48:59people well and you probably shouldn't
49:01right but like in Russia they have that
49:04but it's just you can't say about like
49:05patriarch kyrill or whoever the [ __ ]
49:07right like it's the same [ __ ] it's just
49:09applied to people who deserve protection
49:11less
49:13um
49:14and uh this is very weird because like
49:16around this time I got an email because
49:20so basically at this point in the story
49:23two people in zz's in Salisbury are
49:25having one of the worst dining
49:26experiences
49:28of all time like it's negatively
49:31affected the trip advisor rating
49:34I don't think they tipped
49:36and uh this wasn't big news in Russia
49:39right unsurprisingly
49:41um and uh so the first thing I heard
49:43about it was I got an email from Her
49:46Majesty's foreign and Commonwealth
49:47office and it's in pricey right what it
49:50said was dear Milo as you may be aware
49:52relations between Britain and Russia
49:54have gone a little bit spicy this week
49:56so as a Brit in Russia we would advise
49:58you to be careful because things might
50:00become a little bit dangerous now I
50:03think it belies a general
50:04misunderstanding of the sort of
50:05Wikipedia summary of the history of the
50:07country known as Russia at the foreign
50:09office that they're suggesting someone
50:10who's been living there for three years
50:12that just as of now things might get a
50:14little bit dangerous
50:15not exactly health and safety conscious
50:19where were they getting their news about
50:20Russia before this [ __ ] purvi Canal
50:23like there's a fair enough is sat there
50:25watching like Mr Putin is great man I
50:27think castroma they made the biggest
50:28pancake in the world
50:30fantastic news we'll email The Lads
50:32immediately
50:36like it was always dangerous that's why
50:38pretty much every Russian I know has a
50:40funny story about how a childhood friend
50:42of theirs was killed by a falling icicle
50:46that's not a funny story
50:48you have PTSD
50:53turns out when everyone has PTSD really
50:55changes the bar for what normal is
50:58funny story about that in front of my
51:00eyes when I was nine years old
51:02big accident why do I beat my wife like
51:06you could send every psychologist we
51:08have and it would take them A Thousand
51:10Years
51:12um I think what they were trying to say
51:14was people might be more suspicious of
51:16foreigners but again like I was I was
51:18used to it right a while before this I'd
51:19gone to this town called adiol to do a
51:21show now Ariel it's about 400 miles from
51:23Moscow it's a very boring small Russian
51:26town now very boring Russian towns have
51:28very bored Russian cops and there's
51:29nothing more dangerous than a broad
51:31Russian car apart from as we've learned
51:34any American laughs
51:39so it's me and three other comedians we
51:41get off the train from Moscow board
51:42Russian cops stood like this on the
51:44platform and he's immediately like
51:45documentary so we come over give them
51:48our passports flipping through him gets
51:49to mine which is the only foreign one
51:51he's like ah
51:52what citizenship is this and I like a
51:56middle class white kid has never been
51:57arrested before said you're holding my
51:59passport mate you tell me
52:07we are going to station
52:13so
52:16we're going to the little police station
52:18in the train station we sat there like
52:20now I was a little bit concerned because
52:22the only time previous to this that I'd
52:23ever been in a Russian police station
52:24was in a slightly different context so a
52:26friend of mine had bought a car and we
52:29had gone to the police station to
52:31register the car because it's a normal
52:33country with a functioning bureaucracy
52:34now we queued up for like four hours we
52:37get to the front of the queue the
52:38policeman is leafing through this like
52:3920 Page form and he's like ah you're
52:41missing one signature here from the
52:42former owner of the car we're like his
52:44signatures on that document like 15
52:46times he's not here we stood here for
52:47four hours what do you want from us he's
52:49like no no don't worry
52:50of course you should just force the
52:52signature yourselves
52:54[Music]
52:57you recap
53:02for another I Forge a signature on a
53:04legal document in a police station under
53:06his professional supervision
53:09that is not in the Lonely Planet guide
53:12we were deciding how we were going to
53:14handle this one when a guy was stood
53:16behind us in the queue who I presume was
53:17in a hurry said don't worry I will Forge
53:20a signature for you
53:23I'm very good at forging signatures
53:26I do it every day at work
53:32that's what I love about Russians they
53:33have a sense of community
53:36that's what we've lost in this country
53:38so we're in this police station and uh
53:41what's happening is a series of Russian
53:43policemen of increasing rank which you
53:45could tell because the hats were bigger
53:47are asking us the same questions it's
53:49like what are you doing in Ariel we're
53:51like we're comedians we've come here to
53:53do a show and they're like a likely
53:54story
53:55and we're like it's true and they're
53:58like we will get to the bottom of this
54:00another guy would come in the scene
54:02repeats right he eventually gets to the
54:03point we are talking to the highest
54:05ranking policeman available the major of
54:07the local police he's like what are you
54:09doing in Ariel we're like we're
54:10comedians who've come here to do a show
54:12he's like a likely story
54:14well it's it's true and he's like we
54:16will get to the bottom of this
54:18at this point our Booker shows up he's
54:21local he knows some of the cops and he's
54:23like these are my comedians can you
54:25please let them go and they're like no
54:26no no no no we are getting to the bottom
54:28of this we're like there's we're at the
54:30bottom
54:31that's the bottom you found it
54:36we are convinced that we are going to
54:38spend the rest of our mortal existence
54:39in this Russian police station at this
54:42point a very strange thing happened okay
54:44so um me and the communities are stood
54:45against one wall the cops are stood
54:47facing us and behind them is like the
54:49back of the station where the doors to
54:50the cells are out of the door to the
54:52cells comes the smallest policeman I
54:56have ever seen in my life
54:58this man was a child
55:02the Hat's too big the jacket's too big
55:05he looked like nine months old right
55:09he comes out of the door locks eyes with
55:12me across these other cops points at my
55:15face and goes what it's the English guy
55:18from the Devil
55:22you probably think you've experienced
55:24silence before but you've never
55:27experienced silence like that
55:30all the senior cops are looking at me
55:32looking at him back to me back to him he
55:36interprets this silence to mean please
55:38continue with your fascinating story
55:40child
55:41he's like guys do you live in the cave
55:44have you never watched television it's
55:46my last but swim stand up this guy he is
55:49from Comedy Club what the [ __ ] do you
55:51not recognize them
55:53death science
55:57The Silence of undiscovered Crypts in
56:00the Amazon rainforest
56:03the tiny policeman bounds up to this
56:06like penalty wall of cops elbows his way
56:09through their knees grabs me by the
56:12front of the shirt and says we must make
56:14selfie
56:16[Applause]
56:20Now ladies and gentlemen I always make
56:22time for my fans laughs it's very
56:25important to me no matter what else is
56:27going on you've got to take time out for
56:29the supporters
56:31he hands his camera to the major of the
56:34police who does not understand why he's
56:36taking this photo he's doing it out of
56:39pure shock like he's being ordered
56:41around by some kind of uniformed fetus
56:45so this guy comes up and he's like down
56:47here right he and he's excited right
56:49he's like
56:50and I have no idea what I'm about to be
56:53like really shot or crowned in this
56:55world so I'm kind of like
56:56oh
56:58the major of the police then says to me
57:01okay you can go
57:03but never speak of this again
57:06I'm like sure thing mate won't don't
57:09worry
57:10and at that point I was thinking dogs
57:13aren't supposed to go to [ __ ] space
57:15I'm completely out of control in that
57:18situation at the point where you are
57:20under arrest and another cop has just
57:22recognized you from somewhere that can
57:24go either way
57:26that's like what the Russians would call
57:28ordinary roulette
57:35to be fair people aren't really supposed
57:38to go to space either
57:40um here's a fun fact about Yuri Gagarin
57:42right when he went to space he was
57:45pretty convinced that he was gonna die
57:47because he knew about what had happened
57:50to everyone else
57:51so he was like I'm dying for communism
57:54cool fine whatever I'll get a nice
57:56plaque and then he came back alive and
57:59let me tell you no one was more shocked
58:01than that [ __ ]
58:03so he's gone from being gonna be dead to
58:06the most famous man who's ever lived
58:08gets out of the capsule they stick a
58:10microphone in his face and I like to
58:12think that Yuri Gagarin had not prepared
58:14what he was going to say because
58:19they put the camera up to Yuri Gagarin
58:21and he says I went to space and I didn't
58:25see God up there now
58:27the Soviet propaganda poster makers had
58:30to work with what they were given
58:32and they produced what I would
58:34conjecture is the greatest propaganda
58:37poster in the history of propaganda
58:41it is a picture of the world and above
58:44the world floating in space is yogigori
58:46and his spaces little red spacesuit and
58:48he's grinning and above his head in
58:50massive block Capital fund it says there
58:52is no God
58:58that's metal as [ __ ]
59:02Keep calm carry on eat my [ __ ]
59:07unreal vibes
59:09from that post
59:11foreign
59:13there is no God yeah I decided to leave
59:17Russia around this point partly because
59:19of the political situation also partly
59:22because I'd met British guys who'd
59:24stayed in Russia too long right you do
59:26not want to be a 45 year old British guy
59:29desperately explaining to some 20 year
59:31old girl at a bar how cool Euro 96 was
59:34don't want to be that guy right
59:37one of my Russian friends was like kind
59:39of annoyed at me for leaving and he was
59:40like if you think the political
59:41situation is bad like don't you think
59:43that you'll run to kind of an obligation
59:44to stay here and help put it right and I
59:46was like no
59:49that's mental quick recap on the last
59:53guy who tried who was a foreigner who
59:54tried to change the political situation
59:56in Russia a bunker gun right
1:00:00not forgotten about that guy
1:00:02like I care about it I wish it was
1:00:05better I hope that it is in a reasonable
1:00:07way I'd be happy to try and support that
1:00:09but it's not a job for your boy is it
1:00:11it's a job for years of grinding
1:00:13political attrition led by a guy who
1:00:15really likes Rick and Morty for some
1:00:17reason
1:00:19but I'm confident
1:00:21I'm confident that the Russians are
1:00:23going to see all Vladimir Putin because
1:00:24they've already seen off Elon Musk we
1:00:27all remember Elon Musk the most divorced
1:00:30man in history
1:00:33right Elon Musk is a billionaire and he
1:00:35has spent hundreds of millions of
1:00:37dollars trying to go to space and he has
1:00:40never been able to personally go to
1:00:42space and yet he knows that 60 odd years
1:00:44ago in the Soviet Union tens of homeless
1:00:48dogs
1:00:49went there entirely for free
1:00:52as part of a broadening education
1:00:55program
1:00:56it's got to annoy Elon Musk I wrote that
1:01:00on Twitter and someone who's a fan of
1:01:01Elon Musk which is another way of saying
1:01:03not hand sayings
1:01:05replied to me and said yeah well you
1:01:09think you're so smart but you do realize
1:01:11those dogs didn't go there using their
1:01:12own money
1:01:20no I do realize that
1:01:23they're dogs
1:01:25this guy's getting all got a good handle
1:01:26on the concept of dogs he thinks that a
1:01:29western dog right a good capitalist dog
1:01:31they wouldn't have gone to space on
1:01:33somebody else's dime no they've opened
1:01:35up their own small business wouldn't
1:01:36they selling bones or something saved up
1:01:39and gone there the honest way
1:01:41the really [ __ ] up thing though right
1:01:43is that those dogs don't even know they
1:01:46went to space
1:01:47they just think they had a [ __ ] up day
1:01:49and then everyone was pleased to see
1:01:50them they came out of that capsule like
1:01:53what this isn't the [ __ ] vet
1:01:55dogs don't have a word for Pistons
1:01:59I do not to brag but I know literally
1:02:01hundreds of words
1:02:04glad you've laughed
1:02:05after that a gig once and it went down
1:02:07to Absolute silence as though they were
1:02:09sat there going like all right Mr big
1:02:11boots for the hundreds of words
1:02:13coming down here from London to
1:02:15condescend to this room of pirates
1:02:16presumably
1:02:17[Laughter]
1:02:20that's not that many you should aim for
1:02:21more
1:02:23and what I've learned studying ancient
1:02:24Greek is right that like you can't
1:02:26without context you can never really
1:02:28understand something like to me the
1:02:29ancient Greeks are the radish guys
1:02:31I hope they were more than that I hope
1:02:34that was a fringe activity but we'll
1:02:36never know right to me they're the
1:02:37radish guys and so I can tell you this
1:02:40story right about time I had in Russia
1:02:41but I kind of pen meaning to it for you
1:02:43right you have to do that for yourselves
1:02:45um and what it's made me realize is
1:02:46right that I can't control like what's
1:02:48going to survive of me right like I
1:02:50don't know like all I can hope is that
1:02:52if something is dug up of me in like the
1:02:53far future there will be something that
1:02:55devoid of context is still hilarious so
1:02:57if something is Unearthed of me in the
1:03:00year like
1:03:022422 that's not how you would say it it
1:03:04doesn't matter
1:03:06I want it to be this
1:03:18ladies and gentlemen thank you very much
1:03:19good night
1:03:23[Applause]
1:03:41[Music]
1:03:52thank you
1:03:54[Music]
1:04:06thank you

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