Mel Robbins: The Simple Truth About Chasing Happiness — Transcript

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1. 0:00What do you think is the hardest thing
2. 0:03you're working on right now? Like what's
3. 0:05the most challenging thing you're
4. 0:06working on internally or externally?
5. 0:08Could be creatively. It could be
6. 0:11habit-wise. What is What is something
7. 0:13that you're struggling with or grappling
8. 0:14with that you're working through?
9. 0:16>> Happiness.
10. 0:18>> Wow. Okay.
11. 0:19>> Yeah. Happiness. It's interesting. I was
12. 0:22um getting ready to come over here this
13. 0:24morning and so I My daughter goes to
14. 0:26school here uh at the Thornton School
15. 0:28for Music. She's a senior and she spent
16. 0:30the night with me last night. I'm going
17. 0:31to tell you the story because it's
18. 0:32relevant about both learning things the
19. 0:35hard way and about happiness. So, she
20. 0:39slept in my bed with me last night and
21. 0:42it was so awesome and I just love her
22. 0:45and she's 22 and she's about to like
23. 0:48burst into the next chapter of her life.
24. 0:51It is so exciting and I miss her
25. 0:54terribly, terribly. And I Oh, I'm I'm
26. 0:59going to get like totally choked up when
27. 1:00I think about it cuz I live on the other
28. 1:02side of the country. And I think one of
29. 1:05the hardest things that you have to do
30. 1:06in life if you really love somebody is
31. 1:09to encourage them to leave, to encourage
32. 1:12them to grow.
33. 1:15And um I can't believe how choked up I'm
34. 1:17getting about this cuz I mean this just
35. 1:18happened this morning and I was laying
36. 1:20in bed and she's sound asleep, you know,
37. 1:22like sprolled out like this 22year-old
38. 1:25sleep and sweating [laughter] and you
39. 1:27know, just like this. And I thought,
40. 1:29"Oh, I want to take a picture of this
41. 1:30moment." And then I thought, "No, she's
42. 1:32going to kill me cuz she looks
43. 1:33terrible." And you know how that rolls
44. 1:35when you're 20 years old. And so I
45. 1:38closed my eyes to just capture the
46. 1:39memory. And I thought
47. 1:43why is it that I am always
48. 1:47gripping onto the thing that makes me
49. 1:51unhappy?
50. 1:53What is it about this campaign? I call
51. 1:55it the campaign of misery. like instead
52. 1:58of focusing on the fact that here I am
53. 2:02first of all lucky enough to be in Los
54. 2:04Angeles to be able to have the means to
55. 2:06go see her for parents weekend that I
56. 2:08have a relationship with her where she
57. 2:10would want to come and just snuggle up
58. 2:12and spend the night that she is pursuing
59. 2:14her passion and dream of being a singer
60. 2:17songwriter that she is just killing it
61. 2:20she's happy
62. 2:22why am I always defaulting to the loss
63. 2:27>> and so when I say that I'm working on
64. 2:30happiness.
65. 2:31What I've realized about myself, Jay, is
66. 2:34that I have done a lot of things in
67. 2:38life, but I've spent the vast majority
68. 2:40of my life being so busy and keeping
69. 2:44myself so busy as a means to outrun, I
70. 2:49think, a deep-seated unhappiness.
71. 2:52And that when the pandemic hit and I had
72. 2:55to slow down and I had to truly say to
73. 2:57myself, okay, you can't go anywhere. You
74. 3:00cannot regulate your anxiety by running
75. 3:02to Target. You can't catch a plane. You
76. 3:05can't you like it's you and your like
77. 3:09you and yourself right now, Mel. And all
78. 3:12the coping mechanisms that you used to
79. 3:13have that distracted you from the fact
80. 3:16that you're just not that happy.
81. 3:19>> They're not there anymore. And unless I
82. 3:20want to drink myself into the ground,
83. 3:22which I don't, and numb it or hit the
84. 3:24vape pen or take a go, like unless I
85. 3:26want to numb it, I got to deal with it.
86. 3:29And so I've spent the last two years and
87. 3:31I continue to focus right now on the
88. 3:36number one goal that I have, which is to
89. 3:38learn how to be happy and content
90. 3:41wherever I am.
91. 3:43And so this morning is the perfect
92. 3:45example of catching this profound
93. 3:47sadness which is part of the human
94. 3:49experience deeply missing somebody is
95. 3:52also about loving them right and
96. 3:55noticing that I was going into the
97. 3:57negative and part of being content and
98. 4:00being happy wherever I am is not trying
99. 4:02to fix things. It's being okay with
100. 4:05things. It's allowing the emotion to
101. 4:07rise up and then noticing that there's a
102. 4:11different way to feel.
103. 4:13>> And so in that moment, I just am doing
104. 4:15what I'm doing a lot of, which is just
105. 4:18breathing through those deep moments
106. 4:19where I'm like, why am I complaining
107. 4:21about this? This is so stupid. Why am I
108. 4:22obsessing about this thing tomorrow and
109. 4:24I'm not even here right now? And
110. 4:27refraraming things in a more positive
111. 4:30way. And this might surprise people
112. 4:31because I I am a very positive person. I
113. 4:34am a very optimistic person, but when I
114. 4:38really slow down,
115. 4:40my mind runs a million miles an hour and
116. 4:42normally it's 15 steps ahead, which
117. 4:44means I'm never content where I am.
118. 4:47And so I've been doing a ton of work
119. 4:49like in my nervous system, in my body,
120. 4:51instead of going right up here and
121. 4:53trying to wrestle with my thoughts, I've
122. 4:55been going down into here to just anchor
123. 4:59in my body and slow things down and be
124. 5:02physically where I am, where my feet
125. 5:04are. And so then there was a second
126. 5:06thing that happened. So again, I'm
127. 5:07working on happiness. That's the thing
128. 5:09I'm really like working on. It's like a
129. 5:11muscle, right? Um, I'm in the bathroom
130. 5:14and I am terrible at doing my hair. I
131. 5:18know it looks really decent today, but
132. 5:19normally I look like a freaking
133. 5:22labradoodle on a humid day. Like, that's
134. 5:25just me. I just have never figured out
135. 5:27the hair situation. And so, I finally
136. 5:30said, "That's it. I have got to figure
137. 5:31out how to make my hair look halfway
138. 5:35okay." Like, I'm not even looking for
139. 5:37amazing. I'm just looking for okay. And
140. 5:40so I was watching YouTube. I'm learning
141. 5:42the tutorials. I've got the right
142. 5:44sprays. And so Kendall comes rolling in
143. 5:46after she wakes up. And I am sitting
144. 5:48there trying to curl my hair, right,
145. 5:50with this big fat curling. I'm terrible
146. 5:52at it, Jay. And all of a sudden, I hit
147. 5:55my freaking ear and I'm like, "OH." AND
148. 5:58I AND I'M LIKE, "OH MY GOD, I just
149. 6:00burned my ear." And Kendall casually
150. 6:02goes, "Well, you got to learn somehow."
151. 6:04[laughter] And she walks out of the
152. 6:06room. I think there is so much wisdom in
153. 6:08that.
154. 6:09Because that is how you learn. That is
155. 6:13how you learn how close to hold a
156. 6:16curling iron to your ear. You burn
157. 6:18yourself and then your whole body
158. 6:21absorbs the lesson and you don't go that
159. 6:24close to the fire next time. Mhm.
160. 6:26>> And I'm doing that dance with happiness
161. 6:28and contentment
162. 6:31that when I feel the fire of discontent
163. 6:34or friction or complaining or looking
164. 6:36for what's wrong,
165. 6:39I pull the curling iron a little away
166. 6:42from the ear and I go back into a safer,
167. 6:48calmer place.
168. 6:49>> That was a beautiful answer. I I didn't
169. 6:52know what to expect when I asked that
170. 6:53question. I really appreciate you, you
171. 6:56know, going that inward with it because
172. 6:58you could have gone a number of ways. I
173. 7:00I fully understand and empathize what
174. 7:03you're saying because my mom and my
175. 7:06family do something similar. So, and I
176. 7:09love my mom. I have a great relationship
177. 7:10with my mom. She's amazing and anything
178. 7:11that's good about me is because of her.
179. 7:14But every time I go back to London, the
180. 7:17day I land, my family will say, "Well,
181. 7:20you're only here for 21 days." I'm like,
182. 7:2421 days? Like, that's three weeks. Even
183. 7:27if you added up all the hours weekly
184. 7:30that you spend with time with someone,
185. 7:31it probably won't account for 21 full
186. 7:34days with full presence. And then a week
187. 7:37will go and be like, "Oh, you've only
188. 7:38got 40 14 days left. Oh, you've only got
189. 7:41seven days left. Oh, you're leaving
190. 7:43today." And and that mindset just keeps
191. 7:46forcing you to think that day 21 is day
192. 7:49one, right? Right? As in that day, 21
193. 7:51days left is the same as one day left.
194. 7:53And you're living all 21 days as there's
195. 7:55only one day left. And I' I've taken
196. 7:58time and I've sat with my mom so many
197. 8:00times to have that conversation with
198. 8:01her. And I said, "Mom, if you celebrate
199. 8:03that we have 21 days and we're going to
200. 8:05make the most of it and we're going to
201. 8:06create new memories and create new
202. 8:08experiences, then you're going to be
203. 8:10happier for these 21 days. And yes,
204. 8:12you're going to miss me the same. It's
205. 8:14not going to change that. And I'm going
206. 8:15to miss you." So, I I have personal
207. 8:17experience of that. on the other end of
208. 8:19it with having that conversation with my
209. 8:22mom where she's really grown in
210. 8:26understanding how that thought hasn't
211. 8:28served her
212. 8:29>> right
213. 8:30>> and she's so much happier for it now
214. 8:32when I go back. So that I definitely
215. 8:34identify with that. What what you
216. 8:35touched on at the end there though was
217. 8:37really interesting to me when you talk
218. 8:38about happiness.
219. 8:40It sounds like you believe you deserve
220. 8:42it and you sound like you believe it's
221. 8:46yours for the taking. Like it's like it
222. 8:48is a clear goal direction. It's there.
223. 8:51>> Yeah.
224. 8:52>> And I think what's happened is
225. 8:54subconsciously or consciously so many of
226. 8:56us don't feel we deserve happiness or we
227. 9:00don't feel we're worthy of happiness or
228. 9:03we actually think mediocrity is a safer
229. 9:06place to live because then we don't have
230. 9:08our expectations being unmet. We don't
231. 9:11have the fall of I wanted this but I got
232. 9:15this. Right? And so I've been I had a
233. 9:17friend the other day who sent me a
234. 9:18message and he said, "Take a look at
235. 9:20this and it was all about how really we
236. 9:22shouldn't strive for happiness. We
237. 9:24should strive for mediocrity because
238. 9:27mediocrity is where most people will end
239. 9:29up." So that was literally this is the
240. 9:32message. So my friend messaged me. He
241. 9:34goes, "What do you think of this?"
242. 9:35>> I think it sucks. That's what Mel
243. 9:37Robinson I think it's the worst advice
244. 9:38I've ever freaking heard. How about
245. 9:40that? It's the dumbest thing I've ever
246. 9:42heard. Here's the thing, Jay.
247. 9:45So, one of the things I also wanted to
248. 9:47say is that I'm 54 and it's taken me a
249. 9:52long time to figure out that I was
250. 9:56actually not a happy person. And I don't
251. 10:00think I act I I I really truly
252. 10:02understood
253. 10:03what happiness is. And maybe I'm using
254. 10:06the wrong word. Maybe the word is the
255. 10:08problem because I always associated
256. 10:10happiness with like parties and laughter
257. 10:12and like I'm just like full of joy and
258. 10:14I'm and I just, you know, it's like this
259. 10:16very positive thing. And again, I am a
260. 10:19positive person. I'm a very optimistic
261. 10:21person. But if you were to put a speaker
262. 10:23on my head and broadcast the things I
263. 10:25said to myself, you would literally
264. 10:27check me in to the seventh floor at Mass
265. 10:29General Hospital in Boston,
266. 10:30Massachusetts, because it was a constant
267. 10:33drum beat of negativity. And as I one by
268. 10:37one by one Jay started to fix the
269. 10:40problems in my marriage and my finances
270. 10:44um with my anxiety as I built a business
271. 10:47you know a lot of people are surprised
272. 10:48to learn that most of what you see that
273. 10:50I've built has been built in the last
274. 10:52six years literally and so I as I
275. 10:58started fixing things outside
276. 11:01that default drum beat did not go away.
277. 11:06>> It just was a situation where I no
278. 11:09longer had anything outside of me that
279. 11:11was rationally wrong. So, I turned it
280. 11:15back on me and just started hammering me
281. 11:20in in in crazy ways. I'll give you an
282. 11:22example. So, this is where I started to
283. 11:24have this breakthrough. So, I was
284. 11:26sitting my my husband and I have just uh
285. 11:29bought a house in Vermont. And I know
286. 11:32you guys, you know, are in your new
287. 11:34home. It's an incredible thing to do. It
288. 11:37is our dream house. It's the house that
289. 11:38his parents built. It's the family
290. 11:40house. We not only were able to purchase
291. 11:43this thing, we have been able to
292. 11:44completely renovate it, make it our own.
293. 11:47This place is the closest place to God
294. 11:50that I have ever been. We sit nestled
295. 11:54between mountains with a 140 mile view
296. 11:57straight down a valley with cascading
297. 12:00like it is
298. 12:02just spectacular. When I would sit in
299. 12:06therapy sessions eight years ago and my
300. 12:09therapist would ask me to come up with
301. 12:11like a um you know like a totem or a
302. 12:13spiritual guide or vision whatever for
303. 12:16truth or God or what it's always this
304. 12:19view. And so lo and behold, eight years
305. 12:21later, we freaking live there. And I'm
306. 12:25sitting on this covered deck looking
307. 12:28down the valley. My daughter is sitting
308. 12:29next to me, our other daughter who lives
309. 12:31in Boston who's 23. And it's Sunday. And
310. 12:34normally on Sundays,
311. 12:37I'm not even present on Sundays because
312. 12:39I'm now got the Sunday scaries. I'm now
313. 12:41thinking about the week ahead. She is
314. 12:43starting to now do that. Okay, I got to
315. 12:45get going. I got to I got to pack the
316. 12:46car. I got to get going. I got to I got
317. 12:48a big week of work this week. And it's
318. 12:507:30 in the morning on a spectacular day
319. 12:55and the energy is starting and I
320. 12:57recognize the energy because that is the
321. 13:00campaign of misery that I have lived
322. 13:02with for 50 years. And I'm sitting there
323. 13:06and I'm thinking, "Oh, this is
324. 13:07interesting.
325. 13:09That's me."
326. 13:11And then I stopped in that moment, Jay,
327. 13:13and I thought, "I don't feel that right
328. 13:16now.
329. 13:18I just feel that exactly where I am
330. 13:22looking at this view
331. 13:24is exactly
332. 13:26where I'm supposed to be. And it was so
333. 13:29profound. It's almost like that moment
334. 13:31where Echart Tole has on the bench in
335. 13:35the beginning of the power of now where
336. 13:37I have this profound experience where I
337. 13:40think wait a minute is this what
338. 13:44happiness is
339. 13:46that I'm not 15 steps ahead
340. 13:50I'm just able to be right here without
341. 13:53the anxiety without the stress I mean
342. 13:56that is like a revolutionary experience
343. 13:58for me. I don't think I had ever not
344. 14:02felt the default of a revved up nervous
345. 14:05system, an anxious mind, or a to-do list
346. 14:08that was a mile long. And I don't want
347. 14:11to go back to that sort of frenetic
348. 14:13busyness that creates chronic stress.
349. 14:16And you know, the challenge for me right
350. 14:17now is how do I stay in a space that's
351. 14:19that's happy? Because I love the game of
352. 14:23building a business. I love pushing
353. 14:25myself. I love like and I realized, oh
354. 14:28wait, you actually need both. You need
355. 14:32deep spiritual quiet time and you need
356. 14:36the busyiness of Los Angeles or Boston
357. 14:39or New York in small sprints. But that
358. 14:42can't be your default anymore, woman.
359. 14:44>> And that's a that's such a great
360. 14:46realization and reflection, I think,
361. 14:48when you come to that. And it it takes a
362. 14:50lot of self-acceptance to come to that
363. 14:52because I think we think of life as
364. 14:56binary like you have to make a choice.
365. 14:58You're either going to be a hustler or
366. 15:00you're going to be peaceful. You're
367. 15:02either going to be a winner or you're
368. 15:04going to be a loser. You're either going
369. 15:06to be wisdom and zen or you're going to
370. 15:09be money and materialistic. Right? And
371. 15:12it's almost like you feel you have to
372. 15:14make those choices early in life. And I
373. 15:17think when you came in here, we were
374. 15:18talking about something and I really
375. 15:21really think it's something that a lot
376. 15:23of our listeners will resonate with. The
377. 15:26idea that so many of us experience pain
378. 15:32of not going after what we want or what
379. 15:35we need or what we feel is our calling
380. 15:40>> because of the pain that comes with
381. 15:41that.
382. 15:42>> And so we settle for the pain of where
383. 15:44we are.
384. 15:45>> Yeah. And I think those two ideas are
385. 15:48related because again we think there's
386. 15:50this choice you have to make at any
387. 15:52point in time where it's like I'm either
388. 15:54going to live the life of my dreams or
389. 15:56I'm going to be stuck forever and then
390. 15:59we're like okay well I'll be stuck
391. 16:00forever because my dreams seem so far
392. 16:02away. I remember being there and it's
393. 16:05always hard to help everyone who's
394. 16:08listening realize how much I felt that
395. 16:11way.
396. 16:11>> So how old were you? I this was six
397. 16:13years ago for me. It was
398. 16:14>> Oh my god. That's right. You like have
399. 16:16this crazy parallel path.
400. 16:17>> Yeah. Six years ago. So it was six years
401. 16:19ago. I was working a safe corporate job.
402. 16:22Six months from now I was about to be
403. 16:24married to Radhi and I was making
404. 16:30£31,500
405. 16:31a year and that was my salary at this
406. 16:34company. And I was doing extremely well
407. 16:36at the company. So I had a good track to
408. 16:38to progress there.
409. 16:40And I'm sitting there going, I've been
410. 16:42there for two years and I'm like, I
411. 16:44don't think this is where I'm meant to
412. 16:46be. I was looking at people who'd been
413. 16:48at the company for decades. I was I've
414. 16:50always said to people, look 10, 20 years
415. 16:51ahead of you and
416. 16:53>> look at that person in a company and go,
417. 16:54is that where I want to be?
418. 16:56>> And I was like, well, even if they paid
419. 16:57me as much as that person's paid, even
420. 16:59if I got all the benefits that person
421. 17:00got,
422. 17:01>> I don't think I want to do that in my
423. 17:0350s. And so I thought to myself, okay,
424. 17:07well then I have to take a risk. So, and
425. 17:10and obviously that was like a 2-year
426. 17:11journey of even convincing myself. Let's
427. 17:14talk about that. If someone's sitting
428. 17:15there right now passionate about
429. 17:17something, wanting to get inspired,
430. 17:19wanting to do something, but they're
431. 17:20settling for the pain of where they are.
432. 17:22And that's why I asked that med
433. 17:24mediocrity and happiness question.
434. 17:25>> Yeah.
435. 17:26>> It is really that dance between I'm
436. 17:28going to settle for where I'm at or I'm
437. 17:30going to be where I want to be. How do
438. 17:32you think about that journey? How do you
439. 17:33>> You know what just popped into my mind
440. 17:34in a weird way? Cancer. If you got
441. 17:36diagnosed with a cancer that was
442. 17:39treatable, would you try to treat your
443. 17:42cancer?
444. 17:42>> Yes,
445. 17:42>> of course you would. Because otherwise
446. 17:44it would kill you. When you feel this
447. 17:48call or this this burning desire and I
448. 17:52feel like we all have this flame inside
449. 17:54of us. We are not like a boiler where
450. 17:56the pilot light can blow out. That is
451. 17:58not how a human being is wired. you,
452. 18:00whether you're stuck, whether you're in
453. 18:02pain, whether you're suffering, you
454. 18:04still have this this flame inside you
455. 18:08that is burning. And when you actively
456. 18:12engage in your own campaign of misery
457. 18:16and you actively tell yourself the
458. 18:19reasons why it's not going to work or
459. 18:20the reasons why you can't do it or the
460. 18:23reasons why now is not the time or
461. 18:26you're never going to make it happen or
462. 18:28it was great for Jay or great for je for
463. 18:30Mel but nothing ever works out for when
464. 18:32you engage in your own campaign of
465. 18:34misery you are creating literally a
466. 18:38cancer inside of you that eats at you
467. 18:42and we don't realize that by engaging in
468. 18:46this campaign of misery because it's
469. 18:48active that flame is burning inside you
470. 18:51and you are actively convincing yourself
471. 18:54not to do anything it is an active
472. 18:58engage that's why I call it a campaign
473. 19:01because that flame is going to keep on
474. 19:02burning which is why the campaign has to
475. 19:05get louder and the excuses have to get
476. 19:06louder and you know what starts to
477. 19:08happen is you start to listen to that
478. 19:10campaign and you start to feel pain
479. 19:13because there's something burning inside
480. 19:15of you. And the only cure for this is to
481. 19:20stop listening to that campaign and
482. 19:23simply start taking small steps, just
483. 19:25one every day toward the thing that you
484. 19:27want. I talk to my daughter about this
485. 19:28all the time. So she dreams, absolutely
486. 19:31dreams of being a singer, songwriter,
487. 19:35solo artist with a a successful career,
488. 19:38literally stadium tours. And if I'm
489. 19:41being perfectly honest, this kid has all
490. 19:44of the talent and all of the like she's
491. 19:47one of those five tool players and she
492. 19:49is a great person, kind and just
493. 19:52awesome. And she's even in a program for
494. 19:55it, the best in the country. She has
495. 19:57everything. She just has to do the work.
496. 20:00What is the work? Well, the work is
497. 20:04simply writing crappy songs every day.
498. 20:08The work is not listening to the
499. 20:11campaign of misery because all around
500. 20:13you, you're going to see evidence of
501. 20:15this person's better or that person this
502. 20:16or this one's that or there. Uh-uh. When
503. 20:19you listen to that campaign in your
504. 20:22head, it is like a cancer inside. It
505. 20:24causes pain because you can feel when
506. 20:28you are giving up on your own potential
507. 20:31>> and that is the worst kind of life to
508. 20:33live. You are either in the stands
509. 20:36commenting about the game or you're on
510. 20:38the court playing it. And right now I
511. 20:40want you to think about that flame
512. 20:42inside you, that dream that you have.
513. 20:45And I'm going to go back to my daughter
514. 20:46who is on the court. But she will be the
515. 20:48first to say that for many years she was
516. 20:50engaged in her own campaign of misery
517. 20:52sitting in the stands telling herself
518. 20:55why she can't get on the the court right
519. 20:57now. And so I like that visual because
520. 21:00at any moment it literally like cuts
521. 21:02right to the truth. Are you in the
522. 21:03stands criticizing who the people who
523. 21:06are playing the game or being jealous of
524. 21:08them or in the stands telling yourself
525. 21:11it's not time to jump in or are you on
526. 21:13the freaking court? There's only two
527. 21:16places to be in life. That's it. There
528. 21:18is no middle ground here. And so what I
529. 21:22want to say also is that being in the
530. 21:25stands is loud. It is an active thing
531. 21:28that you're doing. This is not a passive
532. 21:30thing that we do to ourselves. We
533. 21:32actively argue against our dream and our
534. 21:35potential. And that is a thousand%
535. 21:39tied to your happiness, to your
536. 21:41confidence. Because if you are arguing
537. 21:43against your own god-given potential,
538. 21:47you are actively destroying your
539. 21:50confidence. You're actively destroying
540. 21:52possibility in your life. And here's the
541. 21:53thing, you freaking know it.
542. 21:55>> Yeah,
543. 21:55>> people know when they have imposttor
544. 21:57syndrome. They know it. They talk about
545. 22:00it openly. And I also hate the term fake
546. 22:02it till you make it. And here's why.
547. 22:04When you say, "I'm just going to fake it
548. 22:05till you make it," you are calling
549. 22:06yourself a fake. It amplifies your
550. 22:10self-doubt. instead say this. I'm going
551. 22:13to get on the court and try until I make
552. 22:16it.
553. 22:17>> Because the pain of sitting in the
554. 22:19stands and never getting down there is
555. 22:22way greater than tripping on the court.
556. 22:25>> Mhm.
557. 22:26>> Way greater. You're causing your And
558. 22:28this is the thing I want people to
559. 22:29understand. You are causing yourself so
560. 22:32much pain by laughing off and making
561. 22:35jokes about how it's never going to
562. 22:37happen. You are causing yourself so much
563. 22:39pain by thinking about it. Get out of
564. 22:42the freaking stands and get back on the
565. 22:45court in your life.